What surprises me is not that astronomers discovered so many planets, but that they somehow knew their names.
How to find life in the Universe?
Give Putin a telescope a year before the elections.
Using a hoop and a bald boy, a resourceful astronomy teacher showed the children the planet Saturn.
Two blondes look at the moon at night. One asks:
What do you think is closer to us now - the Moon or Miami?
The second one answers:
Are you completely stupid? Can you see Miami from here?
The first day. A giant astroid is approaching Earth. A group of brave drillers went to him to install a nuclear charge.
Second day. A giant asteroid with a nuclear charge is approaching the Earth.
Darling, you will soon become a dad.
Wow. And I wanted to become an astronaut.
From the diary of a space tourist:
“And yet she is spinning,” said the astronaut, landing in Ethiopia instead of Kazakhstan.
Among all the cosmic oddities and practical jokes, the first place rightfully belongs to the joke of Owen Garriott. In 1973, he was a member of the crew of the American orbital station Skylab. The prank he pulled on Mission Control officer Robert Crippen deserves to be forever remembered in the annals of astronautics. Garriott took a voice recorder with him into space, into which his wife spoke several pre-composed phrases. When one day operator Robert Crippen contacted the orbital station, Garriott was waiting at the transmitter with a voice recorder in his hand. The following dialogue took place between the station and the Control Center:
- Skylab, this is Houston, answer.
“Hello, Houston,” the station responded in a cheerful female voice. - This is Skylab.
The earth, after a moment's hesitation, asked:
Who's speaking?
“Hello, Bob,” the station responded. - This is Helen, Owen's wife.
Bob digested the answer for several seconds, and then with difficulty squeezed out:
What are you doing over there?
I decided to bring the guys some food. “Everything is fresh,” a voice from orbit reassured him.
The control center was silent for about a minute and then went dark. Apparently the communications officer lost his nerve.
Space is not that far away at all. It's only an hour's drive away, provided your car is capable of going straight up.
...And there’s nothing to say about the truly cosmic comprehensiveness of the swear word. A syllogism such as “this bullshit” can contain the entire globe and most of the Galaxy in addition.
The young man says to the girl:
Look - the star has fallen! Do you know that if you make a wish, it will come true?
I know, but I don't believe it...
Because you're too timid.
Fragment from E. Lukin’s book “Our Perforated Existence”:
This Copernicus with his jokes... And most importantly, no one wants... let alone use their brains, or even open their eyes! Well, go outside the threshold and see for yourself what’s going on around you! We are a stupid people, gullible...
But the Earth actually revolves around the Sun!
You never know what revolves around!.. The sun over there also revolves around the center of the galaxy. So now, should we count down from the center of the galaxy? We tied the Earth to the Sun, like a ruble to a dollar, and we’re happy about something else, idiots... We don’t live on the Sun, after all! Previously, under the Ptolemaic system, you looked up and you could immediately see where everything was... But now on paper it’s one thing, in the sky it’s something else..."
During the first American flight to the Moon, Armstrong, emerging from the rocket, uttered a historical phrase:
A small step for a man, a giant leap for humanity.
Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.
Upon returning to Earth, for 10 years persistent journalists tried to get Armstrong to explain this phrase, but he answered all questions that he could not say anything. The question has become traditional, as has the answer. Suddenly, 10 years after the flight, having received a standard question at a press conference: “Who is Mr. Gorsky anyway?”, Armstrong unexpectedly replied that since Mr. Gorsky had died, he felt entitled to explain himself:
When I was 7 years old, my brother and I were playing baseball in the yard. My brother hit the ball too hard, and it fell under the bedroom windows of our neighbors, Mr. Gorsky. I ran to pick up the ball and heard Mrs. Gorskaya say to her husband: “Oral sex?! Do you want oral sex? You’ll get it when the neighbor’s boy walks on the moon!”
In our country, preparations have begun for the launch of astronauts to Mars. The Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe strongly condemned these aggressive plans and declared a strong protest against the violation of the rights of Martians by the Russians.
The “red planet” presented another sensation to American researchers. Yesterday, their Mars rover was stolen there in broad daylight, as it turned out that the Russian mafia had long since settled on Mars.
American scientists have discovered water on the Moon. No other drinks have been found there yet.
A symposium on the topic “Is there life on Mars?” was held at Moscow State University. The Martian delegation failed to prove their point of view.
Interesting observations were made by astronomers at the Produvaevskaya Observatory. They watched what their director and secretary did during the break. Well, very interesting!
The Russian Space Agency has started selling tickets to the Moon for space tourists. True, so far one way.
Experts from the Academy of Sciences explain that the unidentified flying object observed by residents of St. Petersburg is in fact nothing unusual. It was not a flying saucer at all, but simply the Flying Dutchman.
From a book about the great Dutch scientist Huygens. In those days (late seventeenth century), scientists tried to see the beautiful Divine plan in everything. Regarding Jupiter's four satellites, Huygens made the following statement: "Since Jupiter has four satellites, it means there is a lot of cannabis on Jupiter." What's the connection, you ask? It is obvious. And not only because Huygens is Dutch.
1) The moon was created by God solely to facilitate navigation.
2) Since Jupiter has 4 moons, navigation is very developed there, and all the seas and oceans are teeming with ships.
3) Since there are a lot of ships there, that means there are a lot of sails, ropes and ropes.
4) What are sails, ropes and cords made from - hemp.
I was at the planetarium. There are stars on the ceiling, it’s dark and they talk about the constellations. The microscope is still big.
It's called a telescope, not a microscope.
Well, what's the difference?
They are arranged according to different principles.
Yes, there is only one principle - look into the hole.
Then a proctologist and an astronomer are, in principle, the same professions.
Here is a sketch from life. Sidewalk astronomy, Bauman garden. There are several telescopes on the asphalt, and we show Mars to everyone who wants it (just the opposition). One man looked into the eyepiece:
This yellow circle is Mars?
Yes, this is Mars.
Hmm... Mars... But this black stuff around is what, space?
Well... yes... space...
If you go out into the yard on a summer night, lie down on the ground and look at the starry sky through a colander for a long, long time, you can see the face of an emergency doctor.
The men are sitting and drinking. One says: “I call my cat Styrofoam. No matter how many times I drown it, it still floats up.”
JOKES
***
Thank you aliens for Governor Arnold.
***
Scientists have unraveled the secret of the mysterious signs in the corn field: Ksenia Sobchak - 2150.
***
Aliens thank George Bush for a job well done.
***
The bathroom on the Shuttle broke down - you'll have to do it in outer space.
***
Russians are the first on the moon, Americans are the first people with banjos on the moon.
***
I'm selling a spacesuit, I need money for a return ticket.
***
McDonald's conquers the Moon, this happened after the clown Ronald McDonald enslaved the world and captured Venus.
***
Good news, George Bush was elected president of the galaxy of intelligent bugs. Soon he will fly away to his people.
***
Drunk Rzhevsky at a banquet declares:
- Gentlemen, I went to take a piss!
The ladies are terrified. Natasha Rostova says:
- Lieutenant, you can’t do that, we need something more cultural... Well, for example, I went to look at the stars...
Lieutenant:
- Gentlemen, excuse me, I went to look at the stars.
Five minutes later, Rzhevsky returns and reaches out with his hand for a huge cake. Natasha:
- Lieutenant, you should at least rinse your hands.
- Natasha, don’t worry, I held the telescope with my other hand.
***
You can look at the Sun through a telescope only twice in your life. Right and left eye.
***
Apollo and Soyuz fly together after docking. They fly over the Soviet Union and see millions of telescopes pointed at the sky.
- What a thirst for science in your people! - American astronauts admire.
- No, they drink from the throat!
Design: Wanderer
Einstein said:
- There are only two infinite things - the Universe and human stupidity. I'm not sure about the universe though.
Among all the cosmic oddities and practical jokes, the first place rightfully belongs to the joke of Owen Garriott. In 1973, he was a member of the crew of the American orbital station Skylab. The prank he pulled on Mission Control officer Robert Crippen deserves to be forever remembered in the annals of astronautics.
Garriott took a voice recorder with him into space, into which his wife spoke several pre-composed phrases. When one day operator Robert Crippen contacted the orbital station, Garriott was waiting at the transmitter with a voice recorder in his hand. The following dialogue took place between the station and the Control Center:
- Skylab, this is Houston, answer.
“Hello, Houston,” the station responded in a cheerful female voice. - This is Skylab.
The earth, after a moment's hesitation, asked:
- Who's talking?
“Hello, Bob,” the station responded. - This is Helen, Owen's wife.
Bob digested the answer for several seconds, and then with difficulty squeezed out:
- What are you doing over there?
- I decided to bring the guys something to eat. “Everything is fresh,” a voice from orbit reassured him.
The control center was silent for about a minute and then went dark. Apparently the communications officer lost his nerve.
American program to launch super-sophisticated vehicles into space
spy satellites capable of detecting an object the size of
with a baseball, ended in complete failure - in the first
flight over Russia, it was discovered that there was a complete absence of
territory of a given country... baseballs!
What needs to be done to conquer Mars?
Tell the Americans that there is a lot of oil there.
To the Europeans that there is a lot of gold there,
To the Japanese, there are no cell phones there yet.
Russians that vodka is free there.
To the Ukrainians, it’s so easy to grow ogirochki and lard from the Martian pigs.
And the Chinese simply think that there is a lot of empty territory there.
Luna asks her companion:
- How were you released from the USSR alone?
- And another one is following me, a big one. And with a dog,” answered the first artificial satellite of the Earth.
State of Iowa. It's getting dark. The moon rises over the American steppe.
On the moon there is an inscription: "Marlborough". All of America is in ecstasy.
The next day... Iowa State. It's getting dark. Over the American steppe
The moon is rising. On it there is an inscription in large letters:
"The USSR Ministry of Defense warns:
Smoking is dangerous to your health!"
Interviews with American astronauts. The question is asked:
- Tell me, were there any incidents during your landings on the Moon?
- Yes, one day a simply outrageous incident happened: Tom and I were just taking soil for analysis when a Soviet lunar rover drove up to us, took all the samples and immediately left!!!
Everyone has probably heard, more than once, Gagarin’s famous phrase Let’s go.
But this is not the full version of his speech. Here's the complete one: Hey! Where are you? Why did you put me here? I don’t want to! Release! They locked it in some kind of tin can and want to throw it into space. Eh! What have you got there, in general, everyone has gone crazy!
Two planets meet:
- Do you know?, says one, some Homo Sapiens appeared on me. What to do?
“Don’t worry,” the other one answers, it happened to me too, but it passed pretty quickly.
Why don't Armenians fly into space?
Armenian radio response:
- Because then all the Armenians would die of pride, the Georgians would die of envy, and the entire Caucasus would go to these Azerbaijanis!
Izya, did you hear, the Gusskies flew into space!
- Shaw, is that all?
Vasily Ivanovich! The Americans have landed on the moon!
- Look where we drove them!
A drunk man fell into a puddle on all fours at night. Looked down, bah! - stars!
Looked up, bah! - stars too! And he thinks: wow, they launched him into space, and yet he didn’t take a piece of bread with him!
Mars. Two small green Martians are leisurely strolling along the surface of the planet. One, looking thoughtfully at the stars, asks the other:
- Listen,... do you believe in earthlings?
- TO THE EARTHLANDS?! Do I look like an idiot? And in general - you've already got me with your pink men!!!
The takeoff of the space shuttle Challenger was greeted with fireworks. The Salyut station continues to fly in automatic mode.
If the Mir orbital space station had all the amenities, then why did the astronauts go into outer space all the time?
A village man stands on the field with a receiver on his chest and mows down. And they broadcast it on the radio.
- Dear residents of the farms of the Uysky district! Yesterday evening a flying saucer landed near the village of Zyutkeli. Friendly humanoids flew to us on it. If you meet them, please, without sudden movements, explain in simple, intelligible terms who you are, where you are from, what you do - don’t be afraid, they won’t do anything bad to you. You can identify them by their appearance: squat, arms reaching to the ground, red muzzle, protruding eyes. If you see them, report them to the regional center for UFO problems.
Man:
- Yeah, these city guys can’t come up with anything!
And he mows on. I mowed, mowed the whole field. Turns back.
- Bah! is sitting! squat, hands to the ground, red muzzle, protruding eyes. The man says with shaking hands:
- Grass..... - points to the ground, - scythe....... - to the scythe, - mower - pokes his finger at himself, - mow.... - depicts the corresponding process. The alien doesn't say a word.
- Grass..... Scythe........ Mower.... Mow.... - the man repeats. Silence again. The man also froze - not good, apparently!.... Suddenly the alien comes to life and points towards the forest and says:
- Forest...... - pointing at himself, - forester.... I’m sitting.... I’m pooping....
Is there intelligent life in the universe?
- Eat.
- Why doesn’t he contact us?
- So that’s why it doesn’t get involved, because she’s reasonable.
Aliens have arrived on Earth. They landed near a gas station and thought among themselves: “The inhabitants of this planet are just like us: they sleep standing up, and the dial is on their stomach. Only we don’t put the end in our ear.”
Advertisement in the newspaper “I’ll exchange three alien skins for a Pentium 3.”
Agent Mauder.
In the same newspaper a day later: “We will exchange Pentium 3 for one skin of Agent Mauder.”
Aliens.
The aliens decided to establish contact with the earth. And then a group of specialists landed at the edge of the forest. We looked around - in a clearing not far away, two men were drinking vodka. One of the aliens approaches the men and introduces himself:
- Hello, I'm Sklins...
One man interrupts him and says:
- Vasya, pour Sklins.
They poured it and drank it. The alien returns to his people and says this and that, they didn’t let him say the words, they poured them out and that’s it. Well, we consulted and decided to try again - maybe we didn’t understand...
The alien approaches again:
- Hello, I'm Sklins...
- Vasya, pour Sklins...
They poured it and drank it. The third time they decided that they needed to speak very quickly so that the earthlings had time to hear who he was and where he came from. The alien approaches the men for the third time:
- Hello, I’m Sklins, I flew from the constellation Gemini, our civilization decided to establish contact with earthlings.
- Vasya, don’t pour Sklins any more.
Deep space. An Earth ship encounters aliens.
Information exchange. Finally, it came to the method of reproduction.
The aliens take out a cone, pour a little brown into it
powder, a little white, add water and place in a warm place:
"In a few months, a new alien will emerge from this."
It was the turn of the earthlings. The guy and the girl from the crew hesitated
undress and demonstrate the earthly way. All the aliens are like
alone, they start laughing. "What's the matter?" - “You won’t believe it, but it’s so
They make us instant coffee!"
Once upon a time, aliens left the earth to find out the intellectual
abilities of an American, Japanese and Russian. They gave each of them two small
steel balls and put them in separate round and completely isolated rooms
(no windows, no objects, no cracks where you could stick a needle
and those are not). And a day later they show up - how are the test subjects doing?
First they go to the Japanese man, he is sitting in the lotus position, in front of him are two balls, one
lying on another, the Japanese is meditating - demonstrating the ability to think.
They go to an American, this guy rolls balls around a round room, experimentally
found out what the approximate radius of the station where they are being held is, the force of gravity, in general not
I rode in vain..
They go to the Russian... and his door doesn’t open, well, the green ones pressed, still
suddenly, the door swings open, and the Russian who was holding it flies into the corner.
The aliens are wondering what happened? How is it going? Russian - "And you beat me
won't you?" - "No."
he looked down - “I lost one ball =(.. and broke the other..”
Two aliens are having lunch:
- What is this delicious meat today, where does it come from?
- Oh, don’t pay attention - a simple human being.
- How?! Are you crazy! According to Intergalactic laws, it is forbidden to eat intelligent beings!
- Calm down, this is not a rational creature - he grabbed five bribes on a measly basis...
First alien contact. A crowd of presidents, ministers, generals, all wearing ribbons and medals, and in front of them an alien ambassador is delivering a speech:
- Our civilization strives for peace and cooperation with all inhabited planets, even such backward ones as yours...
The public is understandably confused and displeased. The ambassador tries to smooth things over:
- Sorry, I forgot that savages are very touchy...
Tell me, is it possible to have sex in zero gravity?
- Do you think that if you can’t do it here, you’ll succeed in zero gravity?
Just because aliens don't need anything from us doesn't mean they don't exist.
Do you know that
If Ilya Muromets lived on Mercury, he would have lain on the stove for only 8 hours and 32 minutes.
How does a bird feel in zero gravity?
- What a fool!
What do economic growth in Russia and the planet Pluto have in common?
- No one has seen them, and their existence is proven using complex calculations.
***
- Rebbe, is it possible to make the Earth flat and stand on three pillars?
- No problem. Five hundred dollars, and I will make an agreement with Him. Why do you need this?
- You see, I work at the design bureau where they make GLONASS. It's time to put it into operation, but it only works for us with this surface shape...
According to experts, the Proton-M launch vehicle with the Glonass-M satellites after launch deviated from the specified trajectory by 8 degrees due to errors made in the mathematical support of the flight mission.
What do you want by abolishing astronomy in schools and introducing Orthodoxy? The rocket hit the sky.
A man drives a truck along a deserted road at night. He sees a red light flashing on the side of the road. Stops. The little man sees.
- I'm from the planet Mars. Gay. Give me a ride.
- Aren’t you going to pester?
- No, earthlings do not interest me.
They sit down and move on. A man sees a blue flashing light on the side of the road. Stops. Little man again.
- I'm from the planet Venus. Gay. Give me a ride.
- You won’t bother me.
- No, I’m not interested in earthlings.
_Here I have another one from Mars.
- And the Martians are not interested.
They sit down and move on. A man on the side of the road sees a light flashing red and blue. He stops and leans out of the cab:
- What planet will you be from?
- Citizen, show your documents!
Odessa courtyard.
- Tsilya, is Syoma your new life partner?
- Oh, what are you talking about, Sara Markovna, he’s a new communications satellite.
Do you know that
When the Chinese fight area to area, the fight can be seen from space.
I went here to get tested. So some smart guy added a second ear to the UROLOGIST sign near the letter P.
There is a line of sullen men. To a ufologist.
Primitive single-celled life discovered on Titan.
This was done by the sanitary and epidemiological inspection commission.
Two Martians are going on vacation and one asks the other:
-Where are you going?
- Yes, I’ll fly to Earth and seduce the dugout!
- Well, come on, come on...
- ?!
- Because 2010 years ago I seduced some Jewish woman, so they still only talk about our son...
The formation of the Universe was caused by the Big Bang.
God took responsibility for this Explosion.
The term “black hole”, as politically incorrect, is proposed to be replaced with “afro hole”.
The Americans are planning to land on Mars...
They have almost everything ready - the film crew, the scenery...
All that remains is to cut out the rocket and rub the bricks...
2110, a radio signal sent from a distant galaxy reached the gas-dust nebula of the Sun - “We are going to launch the LHC here. Has anyone tried it yet?”
Since 2010, the United States has been curtailing the Space Shuttle program, and only Russians will fly into space. The project will be called "NASA RUSSIA".
Yesterday, at the ISS, astronauts celebrated the birthday of their American colleague and also performed three spacewalks. Smoke twice, and once explain to a colleague who is in charge on the ISS!!! ...
What an unusual constellation!
- Sorry, it was my son who scribbled these three letters on the telescope...
Experts concluded that the Columbia shuttle crashed as a result of a collision with ball lightning.
The Columbia crew will be awarded the title of national heroes of America.
The crew of "Ball Lightning" is given the title of Heroes of the Russian Federation.
Why aren't astronauts given a bottle of vodka into orbit?
- Because then there is nowhere to run for the second one!
How the Earth will perish
The first day.
A giant asteroid is approaching the earth. A group of brave drillers
went to him to install a nuclear charge.
Second day.
A giant asteroid with a nuclear charge is approaching the earth.
An old and very rich Jew paid for the right to become a space tourist. Before the start he asks his daughters:
- Well, my little Rachel, Golda and Sonechka, what should I bring you from the vacuum?
12th of April.
General Buldakov sits in front of the TV with a bottle and
snacks.
Svanidze broadcasts from the television screen:
- Previously, on this day we celebrated Cosmonautics Day.
General, pouring the first glass:
- Well, for the Soviet cosmonautics!
Svanidze says again:
- But we now know that the US merits in space exploration were greater, and
It would be more correct to say “Astronautics Day”.
The general pours a second glass:
- Well, for Soviet astronautics!
Svanidze, leaning half out of the television screen:
- Stop the red-brown agitation! And in general - your Gagarin
there was a robot, a robot, a robot!!
The general pours a third glass:
- Well, for Soviet cybernetics!
(Pours himself from a decanter)
Do you want to go for a ride? Sit down.
- No thanks. I'd rather take a trolleybus.
- Trolleybus is not prestigious. You sit down here.
- I don’t care about such prestige. I'm better on a bike.
-Are you afraid?
- I'm not afraid. I just don't want to.
- Come on. If you're a coward, just say so.
- I’m not afraid. A.. Let's go for a ride another time?
- Gagarin, don’t give up and march into the rocket. Do you want to disrupt our Cosmonautics Day?
Once upon a time, the USSR launched the first artificial earth satellite...
He flew over the entire planet and sent into space: pi, pi, pi...
And only over the USA: hehe, hehe, hehe
Do you know that
Black holes formed where God divided by zero
Rabinovich walks through the forest and sees: there is a UFO, and next to it is a small green alien. Rabinovich (with a characteristic accent):
- Hello, dear representative of extraterrestrial civilization!
Alien (to himself, with annoyance):
- Wow, they are here too!!!
An observation about films...
"Armageddon" - an asteroid is flying towards the earth - the president is black.
"The Fifth Element" - an asteroid is flying towards the earth - the president is black.
Obama is the president who is flying towards the ground???
Late in the evening the boy comes up to his father and asks:
- Dad, what’s next, the moon or New York?
- Son, you are already big, and you should be ashamed to ask such stupid questions. Look out the window and look at the sky. What do you see there?
- The moon.
- Right. Do you see New York anywhere?
- No.
- So draw the appropriate conclusion!
American scientists warn: Bruce Willis is getting old, and the Earth is once again becoming defenseless against asteroids!
The Estonian satellite, launched last year, has successfully completed its first orbit around the Earth.
A French woman is resting on the seashore. A UFO arrives, an alien gets out, satisfies her several times and flies away. The next day, ten French women are already resting there. A UFO flies there, does the same thing to them and flies away.
The next day, 100 French women rest on the same shore. arrives
2 UFOs, 2 aliens come out, satisfy all women on this
shore of this sea and are about to fly away. Suddenly one French woman says:
- Dear aliens, if you have other aliens there, you tell them - let them come. We will invite women from other countries.
To which the aliens respond:
- Dear women of France. Unfortunately, my brother Gogi and I have flying saucers.
Roma Abramovich flies into space. For 500 lemons.
- Why is it so expensive?
- Yes, he is on a yacht.
Immediately after the announcement of American scientists about sending an expedition to Mars in
2015, the Russians promised that they would be on Mars earlier and almost in
twice cheaper.
What is the secret of Russian scientists? It’s just that the Americans are planning to return from there. And ours plan to simply wait for them and return with them.
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Professional astronomers and amateur astronomers love to joke. Astronomical humor brings into the life of an astronomy lover a special feeling of closeness to the Universe, as something close, integral, awakening interest in further studies and observations. Our site has decided not to deviate from tradition and we are starting to publish astro-humor. Astronomical humor is remarkable in that it is equally understandable to both professionals and amateurs, unlike, say, monographs with many formulas. Astrohumor allows professional astronomers to return to the past, to the beginning of their studies in astronomy, and allows the novice amateur to feel on an equal footing with specialists, because humor speaks the language of laughter, equally understandable to all people. But most importantly, astro humor comes to mind when you already have a certain amount of knowledge behind you. And humor is never superfluous. Amateurs joke, scientists joke. We offer you a selection of humoresques from the magazine “Earth and the Universe” of different years, as well as from the almanac “The Universe and We” No. 1. Stay with us! The Galaxy website exists only for you, dear astronomy lovers, and does everything to make your astronomy studies interesting, entertaining, varied and fruitful. Sincerely yours Kremenchutsky-Kozlovsky (Kozlovsky-Kremenchutsky) Alexandra - Almost twins, perhaps not Siamese.
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www.DEKANAT.Ru to the dean's office: daily real science news!
BLACK HOLES ARE COMING AT US AGAIN.
Just a few hours ago, there was a commotion in the astronomical scientific world: suddenly, without prior notice, the airwaves of several major television channels were filled with breaking news about the new discovery of an aggressive black hole. This time in the galaxy RX J1242-11. Despite the unexpectedness of the event, the most famous and independent space analyst, Mr. Ts. I. Olkowski, had already managed to give a detailed comment by phone from his London apartment, clarifying the always vague messages from NASA and representatives of the European Space Agency. Everyone knows, said Mr. Ts.I. Olkowski, that there are a great many black holes and that they surround the Solar System on all sides. To date, over three hundred objects have been included in the black hole catalog. Therefore, there is nothing sensational in the very fact of discovering a new hole. According to Mr. Ts. I. Olkowski, the circumstances of the discovery of a new black hole and its behavior are important. In this new case, - explained Mr. Ts.I. Olkowski, - we are talking primarily about the extreme aggression of the new black hole. Yes, astrophysicists know that black holes have the ability to quickly and chaotically move through galaxies and absorb stars. However, until now only cases of swallowing old stars that had spent their nuclear fuel and cooled down were known. Now, astrophysicists and astronomers watched as a black hole literally pounced on a passing star that was in full bloom, and, unable to swallow its prey right away, took a huge bite out of it! No X-ray telescope has ever recorded such vandalism. It should be noted that the new black hole (which has not yet received an astronomical name) has chosen a rather good place for its hunt: located in the very center of the RX J1242-11 galaxy, it has access to many stars of different sizes orbiting each other. The luminaries spin and fly back and forth, and the black hole rushes at one victim or another and bites off pieces of them. Not a single competent expert has yet been able to authoritatively say how long this bacchanalia will last. “All this looks even more terrible,” warns Mr. Ts. I. Olkowski from his London apartment, “if we take into account that the star torn apart by an aggressive black hole, the same one that was observed by astronomers and astrophysicists who discovered the new object, was exactly just like our Sun. For me personally, it is absolutely clear that this indicates the specialization of this black hole: it undoubtedly prefers to tear off pieces from luminaries of the class of the Sun. Thus, the current astronomical situation appears in a very alarming light, because the galaxy RX J1242-11 is located in close proximity to the Solar system. At the moment, it is not clear whether this black hole will go towards Earth, eating all the stars in the occupied galaxy RX J1242-11, as others traditionally do, or fly in the other direction, explains Mr. C. I. Olkowski. - So far, with the help of the existing several telescopes, it has been possible to accompany it, but, as always happens, there is a catastrophic lack of funding and no one can say whether the black hole will escape from observation in the coming days. If we do not monitor such an aggressive black hole, then it is difficult to imagine what kind of things it can do when it arrives in the solar system. All this only demonstrates the urgent need to find new funds to strengthen the astronomical science of black holes.
We comment:
Okay, with humor from all visitors! We are waiting for more daily real science news from dekanat.ru. Hello students!! Mr. Ts.I. Olkovsky also has a big greeting from “Galaktika”, and also with the approaching first of April :-))))))
Caution: virus A. (Humoresque).
Candidate of Medical Sciences O. KULARCHIK.
Long gone are the days when a passion for astronomy was considered a completely harmless deviation from the norm. Now it has acquired such proportions that doctors had to seriously address this problem. The causative agent of the disease was isolated - the so-called virus A. Apparently, this is a virus of extraterrestrial origin that enters the atmosphere mainly at night. Here are some tips on how to protect yourself from the virus and the serious consequences it sometimes leads to.
It has been established that 92% of cases of virus A infection occur between the ages of 11 and 14 years. It is likely that it is during this period that the body is already completely deprived of the immunity inherited from its parents, but has not yet had time to acquire its own. At this age, stargazing at night is especially dangerous, and if you still need to get acquainted with the starry sky, then experts strongly recommend doing this under the planetarium dome, which reliably protects you from contaminated night air.
The first sign of the onset of the disease is an irresistible craving for popular scientific literature on astronomy. The victim of virus A quickly “swallows” all the books that she can get her hands on at home, from friends and in the local library, and then strives to extract everything she can from newspapers and magazines. Soon the second phase of the disease begins, characterized by a transition to practical activity. Sometimes the matter is limited to studying the constellations and looking at the Moon through binoculars borrowed from neighbors, but more often the patient(s) try to make an observation instrument with their own hands. It’s good if it’s just a cardboard tube with spectacle lenses, otherwise building a homemade telescope involves searching for a piece of thick glass and grinding powders, dirt and trash in the apartment, insomnia and other inconveniences. It is in this state that patients most willingly unite in astronomical circles...
If the victim of virus A does not feel anything abnormal in his behavior, then for her parents everything that happens is a real nightmare. Of course, if you think sensibly, then the construction of a telescope promises them only everyday troubles, and forced insomnia is still inevitable when the child begins to leave home not for observations, but for dates. But the collapse of the hope of introducing the heir(tsu) to some fairly promising or at least just decent profession is, of course, as difficult to survive as the message of a beloved child about leaving for a monastery.
The worst behavior is those parents who actively oppose the passion for astronomy and thereby further strengthen it. In most cases, parental worries are in vain: like measles or mumps, the disease goes away on its own. Only the unhealthy interest of some people in flying saucers reminds us that they once had the A virus in their youth.
Unfortunately, however, the outcome is not always successful; the disease can drag on and take on a chronic form. Well, what could be funnier than an adult, respectable man who froze in the middle of the yard in the most unimaginable position, crouching against a homemade pipe? Of course, at this moment he himself is completely absorbed in the contemplation of the Universe, but what is it like for his wife to constantly endure the jokes of her neighbors? Can such a person count on a serious promotion if his secret passion becomes known to his colleagues? No, virus A, as you can see, is far from safe and, alas, is almost untreatable. The most severe chronic patients are registered at the Virological Outpatient Clinic of the Head Department (VAGO).
The optimal way to combat virus A would be universal vaccinations, but a vaccine against it has not yet been discovered. The only method of therapy that has shown positive results in practice is to enroll in the astronomy department of a university. Almost immediately after the start of regular astronomy studies, the symptoms of the disease weaken, and by the fifth year, even the most zealous telescope builders have lost the last signs of interest in the stars. There is nothing wrong with the fact that graduates’ diplomas include the profession of “astronomer”; this does not prevent them from working fruitfully in a variety of branches of science and the national economy. Even those who are randomly assigned to work in astronomical institutions should in no way be considered sick; these people will never repeat the mistakes of their youth, and distant galaxies will never obscure from them the thousands of important and urgent matters that have to be dealt with at home and at home. work. One should also not confuse their exhausting work at the telescope with the happy contemplation of the beauty of the sky - the difference here is no less than between catching fish with a rod and working on a fish canning ship.
So, it is urgent to come to the aid of the victims of the insidious virus and provide them with the opportunity to master the profession of astronomer, which is so necessary for the country, that is, a generalist. To achieve this, the number of universities with astronomical specialization should be significantly increased. As a preventative measure, we strongly recommend including an intensive course in astronomy (preferably with an exam) in the fifth grade school curriculum. As is well known, after a school course in literature, a person cannot pick up the works of the classics for several years without disgust, and this positive experience must definitely be taken into account in the fight against virus A. Compulsory lectures from society should also play an important role here “Knowledge”, obligatory cultural trips to the planetarium, etc. Only in this way, together, will we get rid of this disease.
Observation of Halley's Comet by the US Army. (Humor 1985).
This is how humorists from Mercury magazine present observations of Halley's Comet in the US Army.
The colonel gave the lieutenant colonel a directive:
“Tomorrow evening at about 8 p.m., Halley’s Comet will be visible, an event that occurs only once every 75 years. Line up the people on the parade ground, and I will explain to them this rare phenomenon. If it rains, we won't be able to see anything; in this case, gather people in the club and I will show them a film about a comet.” The lieutenant colonel said to the company commander:
“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 20.00 Halley’s Comet will appear above our parade ground. If it rains, line up the people on the parade ground and then take them to the clubhouse where this rare phenomenon that happens only once every 75 years will occur.”
Company commander to lieutenant:
“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow evening at 20.00 the phenomenal Comet Halley will appear at the club. If it rains, the colonel will give another order. This happens to him once every 75 years.”
Lieutenant to Sergeant:
“Tomorrow at 20.00 the colonel will appear at the club along with Halley’s Comet. This phenomenon occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the colonel will bring the comet to the parade ground.” Sergeant to recruit:
“Tomorrow at 20.00 it will rain and the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, together with the colonel, will lead his comet across the parade ground.”
Translation from English by Y. N. EFREMOV.
Astronomers - who are we?
A.F. Pugach.
Astronomers are those who think they are exploring the universe, while most people believe that people in this profession predict the weather. I was convinced of this hundreds of times when my interlocutors, having patiently listened to my story about the outburst of the last nova, said goodbye and asked if I would take an umbrella to work tomorrow. Such ignorance does not, however, prevent the best part of humanity from persistently seeking ways into astronomy. No matter how strict the professional taboos of our workshop are, the number of people wishing to become its masters is large. The attractive power of astronomy lies in the accessibility and almost planned regularity of discoveries. Only very capable losers do not make discoveries in this science. Several guaranteed per year comets, novae and supernovae, X-ray sources or quasars - this is the “duty menu” for the sophisticated taste of the discoverer. The discovery recipe is simple and well known: you need to point the telescope at the right point at the right time. The rest is a matter of technique. And if, as they say in the East, the black wind of failure has blown the sail of your expectations in the direction opposite to the shore of discovery, you can always justify yourself by bad weather.
By the way, about the weather. We divide weather into bad and good. Bad weather, according to astronomers, always happens, but good weather occurs only under one of the conditions: either the telescope is out of order, or there are no objects in the sky at that time, or the full Moon makes it difficult to see in the sky even what is good without it visible to the naked eye.
As in any other developed science, in astronomy employees are divided into experimenters, theorists and scientists. However, you will not hear the word “experimentalist,” except in a mocking sense, at any observatory. Everyone who deals with telescopes and measurements is called here with the non-binding word “observers”. By calling themselves this, observers immediately place themselves outside the experiment, which, however, does not bring them any closer to theorists. There is not much difference between these two categories, except perhaps for a small thing - theorists do not know how to observe. Perhaps this is why they make discoveries more often, but observers still do this more reliably, although less often. If the ability to observe and think is embodied in one head, then it is very likely that this head belongs to a scientist. The latter group of astronomers has not yet received a more precise definition due to the exceptional rarity of clearly defined specimens.
One quality distinguishes my colleagues - they love everything big: big numbers, huge telescopes, giant stars, monstrous distances. But most of all they love the mountains, and everything that is good is taken there - away from people. That is why only the lucky ones get to visit a real observatory, especially at night. But even if you consider yourself one of those, do not expect, by looking through a telescope, to penetrate the mysterious regions of the Universe, to see how stars are born and die, to discover Martians or traces of other civilizations; Don’t be fooled by empty romance, everything looks much more prosaic. From the light corridor you will be led into a completely dark pit, where for some unknown reason (or perhaps precisely in order to emphasize the impenetrability of the darkness) several reddish dots flicker. Then they will grab you by the sleeve and yank you to the side, where, even if you are an inch taller than a meter, you will definitely meet some kind of metal protrusion. Following this, you will climb a few steps on a rickety stepladder, at the top of which, for ease of observation, there is a swinging box, and you will be told: “Now look here.” You will have to look for this very “here” for a long time, opening your eyes wide in the dark and, for safety, ten outstretched fingers put forward. After a couple of minutes, if to your surprise you still have not parted with the ladder, the box and the hope of seeing something, you will suddenly feel a sharp pain under your right eyebrow. It indicates a successful outcome of the search. When the pain shock has subsided and allows you to open your eye, you may be lucky enough to see a few light spots on the gray background, especially if you wear glasses. It is possible that these specks may turn out to be stars, provided that there is no rain outside and your guide did not forget to open the telescope dome before demonstrating the sky.
Every normal person is born under his own star, the star of sad fate or happy fate. And only the astronomer is an exception, confirming the truth that the shoemaker walks without boots. Decades will pass before he himself discovers “his” star, the one and only, distant, but captivating, which, more accurately than a thousand horoscopes, will determine his future path.
Autumn equinox.
G.I. Shirmin.
They say that when the Strugatsky brothers wrote their immortal fairy tale for younger scientists called “Monday Begins on Saturday,” then, along with the Pulkovo Observatory, one of the prototypes of NIICHAVO (Research Institute of Witchcraft and Wizardry) was the State Astronomical Institute named after P.K. Sternberg (SAI). Why? For the simple reason that SAI is a unique place in all respects; after all, whatever happens there, as a rule, has no analogues. The prophetic brothers wrote all their characters, one might say, from life. All they could do was conscientiously record the events that once happened, giving them, for the purpose of conspiracy, a magical form. According to the aborigines of the institute themselves, this would not be difficult to do for anyone who wants it and has an “unbiased eye.” It would have been even easier for the brothers if they had visited the traffic police at least once during the celebration of the Autumn Equinox. This action, and there is no other word for it, has been going on, and continuously, for a quarter of a century now.
Yes, it was a real holiday. Everything was as it should be: the opening ceremony, consecrated by the welcoming speech of the Director of SAI, head of the astronomical department of the Faculty of Physics of Moscow State University, Professor Anatoly Mikhailovich Cherepashchuk, there were welcoming speeches by the oldest employees of the institute and teachers with parting words to first-year students, there were course interludes in which first-year students got acquainted with the stages they will have to go through while studying at the university. There was the swan song of the graduating students, leaving to return, this time forever... Finally, the pinnacle of the action - the rite of passage into astronomers with a solemn oath on the Astronomical Yearbook and "biting the granite of science." At the very end, according to custom, there was a collective performance of the faculty anthem “Dubinushka” by all those present.
Yes, I almost missed it. Well, of course, is it possible to cover in a short note, in two or three words, the entire grandiose action that was the twenty-sixth day of the Autumn Equinox. There was a lot more. Well, for example, a competition for the best female and best male roles, as well as very tasty prizes, including the Main Prize of the Astronomical Society, awarded to second-year students by one of the co-chairs of the Society, N. G. Bochkarev. Then, as expected, there was a disco. In general, we could continue further... There was, as always, a festive performance at the Astrotheater. However, that's another story...
Let us cite only the toast proclaimed by the actors of the Astrotheater in the prologue to the performance: “Our holiday is a quarter of a century old. May it last a millennium!” Below is the oath of astronomers at Moscow University.
OATH of astronomers of Moscow University: We, young admirers of the proud Muse Urania, on this significant day, when the Great Sun crosses the Celestial Equator, joining the sacred legion of astronomers, take a vow of allegiance to her and, placing our hand on the Astronomical Yearbook, SWEAR with all the fundamental constants to serve her as armed and naked eyes; We SWEAR never to confuse a lens with an eyepiece, Mars with the North Star, Algol with Algol, and Algol with alcohol. And, seeing two stars where before there was one, don’t shout: “Eureka!” without pouring a bucket of cold water on your head. WE SWEAR, when leaving, to turn off the light; when falling, do not grab the telescope; and generally not touch what does not concern us! WE SWEAR to uncomplainingly bear the yoke of diligence and piety, and also to take care day and night about the learning of the SAI Shevka! And no forces, earthly or heavenly, will force us to change the beautiful Urania... at least until the sixth year! And... let us play Mailbox... and let us be assigned to the Ministry of Agriculture if we break this sacred oath! WE SWEAR! WE SWEAR! WE SWEAR!
This solemn oath also has its own history... It was first pronounced in the SAI in 1970. Since then, each new generation of first-year students at the Faculty of Physics of Moscow State University takes this oath of allegiance to the Muse of Urania during the rite of passage into astronomers.
The current text of the oath also did not arise instantly. It took years to form and now it is impossible to establish all of its primary sources. But one of them is beyond doubt - this is our unforgettable “Uncle Kostya” - Professor Konstantin Alekseevich Kulikov. Here, for example, are the “three commandments”, outlined back in 1962 at his lectures on the course of spherical astronomy:
- When leaving, turn off the lights.
- When falling, do not grab the telescope.
- And generally don’t touch anything that doesn’t concern you.
The three commandments of the astrometrist listed above were not only organically included in the current text of the oath. They served as the basis for the following literary parody of the poems of Valery Bryusov, “A pale young man with a burning gaze...” A pale young man with a trembling gaze, Now I give you three covenants. First Testament: leaving, the burning light, do not leave it burning until dawn. Listen to the second one: If you happen to fall down the stairs, having lost your dexterity, do not grab the telescope, my friend, So as not to disturb your orientation. Third Testament will bring you happiness, You try to observe it religiously, And never try to touch You to what does not concern you... A pale young man with a confused look, If you do everything selflessly, Silently I will immediately fall, amazed, Knowing that the world gave an astrometrist!
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