Break the vicious circle of life. Answered by Ekaterina Korotkikh, psychologist

Ending a relationship is always difficult, but it's even sadder when you notice the same problems over and over again. It could be your choice of men or something else. In any case, it's time to change the situation for the better.

Learn how to break this vicious cycle by taking a few important steps to discover the cause of the problem and eliminate its consequences. Here are some tips to help you move towards a better relationship.

Take responsibility

If your partner is to blame for all your failures, you will not be able to improve the situation and find a happy relationship. Start by accepting your responsibility for your mistakes. At the very least, you choose the wrong partners and ignore warnings. Without admitting your guilt, you will not be able to learn from your mistakes and move on.

Forgive yourself for your mistakes

Once you accept your fault for a failed relationship, it's worth forgiving yourself, even if you simply trusted the wrong people. Beating yourself up won't help you make the right choice next time. If you think you deserve everything that happened, you won't be able to attract someone who will treat you right.

Find the source of the problem

Try to objectively identify the reason that pushes you into relationships with the wrong people or leads to an incorrect perception of relationships. It could be low self-esteem or a biased view of others, in any case, try to identify it. Perhaps you are attracted to a certain type of man, even if he is not the right one for you. Find out what leads to failure and don't keep repeating the same mistakes.

Analyze the warning signs

To break the vicious cycle of failed relationships, you need to pay attention to the warning signs. If you get involved with bad guys, just end the relationship as soon as they start treating you badly. If his jealousy is causing problems in your relationship, don't turn a blind eye to the first signs of possessiveness. Once you understand what to pay attention to, you will begin to make good decisions.

Set your priorities

Once you have analyzed your problems, it is important to understand what you want from the relationship. Try to determine your real priorities, and then you will understand who to pay attention to, and you will stop contacting partners who are attractive but not suitable for you.

Go beyond your taste

Even if your problem isn't that you're choosing the wrong people, it's always good to give new people a chance. Try a new approach to choosing a partner. This will show how well you communicate with men you would normally avoid.

Visualize your dream relationship

Having a positive attitude is very important when you are ready to date again. It will also be helpful to imagine what kind of relationship you want. Direct your thoughts in the right direction. Focus on your qualities and how they will help you get the right partner.

Accept help from friends and family

Improvements don't always come as quickly as you'd like, so it's worth taking advice from people who really care about you. They will help you choose a partner who is right for you. The best way to break the cycle of failed relationships is to confide in people who have observed your love problems from the outside.

Try blind dates

Another way to get help from friends and family is to let them set you up on a blind date. Even if you don't feel an immediate connection, try this method to move on.

Stick to the new rules

Once you understand what you were doing wrong and how to break the cycle, stick to the new rules you set for yourself. Don't ignore them just because a new acquaintance seems damn attractive. If you decide to change, don’t back down from it for a minute.

The vast majority of my clients complain that they live in constant tension...

What are the reasons for living in tension?

Mental stress comes from worrying about money., total control over all processes in life, because of the fear of not being able to do something in time, the fear that your competitors will pass you by, that your friends are married and you are not etc….

There is always a specific situation that causes this condition. Constant tension is the lot of people with different incomes. Its insidiousness is that we may not realize it, being immersed in the routine of everyday life, however, it is precisely this that is the background, basic state on which our current life is built, and, most importantly, future events are created!

Staying in this state for a long time, usually, creates endless a series of problems. Why is this happening?

It's simple. Tension is created by CONSTANT UNCONSCIOUS CONCENTRATION OF ATTENTION ON THE PROBLEM . This, in turn, RECREATES in our lives what we focus on.(a certain level of vibrations, I’ll tell you more in another article). It turns out to be a vicious circle.

For example, If you have debts, loans and you live in constant worry about money, your background emotional state is a state of money shortage. Consequently, you will recreate (attract) situations in which you will lose them, again and again (breakage of household appliances or cars, expensive treatment, etc.).

Remember the saying: “Where it’s thin, it breaks”? This is exactly what she's talking about... All attempts to increase income and pay off debts, living in a state of tension about this, will most likely lead to failure.

How to break the circle of problems?

Is it possible to get out of this state and series of problems? Yes, definitely.

The most important thing to know is that exactly at s, your Consciousness is the Source of everything that is in your life. Any problem that causes emotional stress is only your Creation, Creation.

Deficiency, For example, money does not exist objectively, it is born of your worldview, your subconscious beliefs. Those. Debts, a certain level of income are entirely your creation! And if you are the Author, then you can change the situation!

Method to solve problem No. 1.

Identify, recognize and eradicate the negative subconscious beliefs that created the problem, and then create new, positive ones for yourself, and continue to live according to new laws. In fact, reprogramming the subconscious. To identify the subconscious reasons that led to a certain problem, you may need the help of a specialist.

Method to solve problem No. 2.

Conscious attention management. Realize what specific situation or circumstance is causing tension... By an effort of will, completely remove your attention from it and direct it to creation, to the search for ideas, to prospects, goals, plans... Do not let the attention that you can control slide to the problem!

Today, all the people in the world who have money can be represented as a pyramid.

Its base, the lowest and widest, is the huge number of people who are in poverty. The layer that is higher and smaller in area means the people are more affluent. And so on.

But at the very top of the pyramid there are only a few people - the richest people in the world, with a huge amount of money.

Such a pyramid can also be looked at from a different angle - from the point of view of all the means that people have at their disposal. This time the picture will be completely different.

The largest layer of very poor people has minimal resources, the next layer has more money. And so on. At the top is a giant amount of money belonging to just a few people.

It turns out that the pyramid has turned upside down and cannot be stable. Lyudmila Golubovskaya considers this situation as the main one in the emergence of social upheavals, revolutions, and wars.

“And remember: always before the start of a revolution, the rich got even richer, and the poor got poorer.”

It turns out to be a closed karmic circle. Let's return to karma again: bad internal energy creates difficult living conditions for a person, which give rise to despair and hatred in him.

“Hatred, together with difficult living conditions, leads to the fact that in subsequent incarnations a person is born rich, but now he himself is hated by the poor.

Since while he was poor, he had not yet managed to become an altruist, then, having become rich, a person continues to be an egoist, mishandles money, spends his good karma and is again born poor.”

A person who is rich and wealthy must handle money correctly - help humanity overcome poverty

And this will continue until each of us opens this circle with two correct means.

First remedy- being in a state of poverty, a person will give up hatred, will try to realize at the deepest internal level the fact that now his karma is not good, because he created it himself.

At the same time, he will make efforts to improve his karma, will do good deeds, work and develop.

Second remedy lies in the fact that a person, now rich and wealthy, handles money correctly - helps humanity overcome poverty, ignorance, disease and other social problems, supports the development of everything progressive.

Here we should remember our eleventh exercise on the principle of “tithing”, when we explained in great detail why it is so necessary to share money with other people.

Let's imagine a situation where the richest people in the world share with those in need, help them, finance their projects. Those, in turn, share with representatives of that layer of the pyramid, which is located next door, but a little lower. And on and on.

In this case, the pyramid would gain stability - funds would gradually flow from the top of the pyramid to its base. Therefore, it is so important to remember and constantly practice one simple rule:

“By giving money - helping another person, we restore the harmonious distribution of energy in the world, restore its stability. Then it will be a pyramid, firmly standing on a broad and regular base.”

Always remember: a lack of money- this is a state of weakness, the inability to influence anything, the inability to change life for the better. While possession of money- this is the opposite state of power and the ability to materialize almost instantly all material and spiritual benefits.

“A person who has this living energy, capable of almost instantly “materializing” into any wonderful and happy events, is capable of creating a whole sea of good.”

Previous articles in the series:

Good afternoon I really need your help to understand my situation. I’m already tired of everything, I’ve overwhelmed all my friends with my problems. Although I understand that no one needs to listen to this, other people’s negativity. But time passes, and nothing changes for me.
I’m 36, two children (boys, twins, 4 years old), married since 2007, before that we dated for another 4 years. There were no children for a long time. The relationship with my husband was not very good before, when the children were born, everything became very bad. I don't even know where to start. Today we don’t live with him, but are in constant quarrel. Not a day of rest. He openly says that he hates me.
When we met, we were very young, my husband seemed so kind and affectionate to me then, he tried to please in everything, helped. We rarely fought, only once a year he had regular attacks, he would throw himself at me, beat me, and destroy everything in the house. I left him every year. But a couple of days passed, he came, cried, begged to come back, asked for forgiveness. And I felt sorry for him, for myself. I don't know... I was returning.
But one day I found out that he was cheating on me... With prostitutes, and for many years. I left, and a couple of weeks later I found out that I was pregnant (before that we had not had children for a long time). The ultrasound said it was twins. I was scared. I don’t have parents, my aunt raised me. There wasn't much money either. The husband asked for forgiveness. And only the fear of being left alone with two children made me come back. During pregnancy everything was more or less normal. But I avoided intimacy with him under any pretext. I have not forgiven and forgotten. But a year after giving birth, I found out that he was cheating on me again. And almost every day. Moreover, he did not have money for food and gifts for me and the children for the holidays, but he did have money for prostitutes, who visited several times a month. I had a terrible hysteria. This time he admitted everything, confirmed everything. We were in church, he vowed never to cheat on me again. But he did not keep his vows.
And a year ago they told me. That they saw him with someone else. I found out everything, this is a woman from his work. She is 6 years older than him. He says he fell in love with her. I talked to her, she said that they had nothing and she didn’t need him and that she wouldn’t interfere with someone else’s family and destroy it. But he didn’t stop communicating with her after I found out. He constantly texted her, called her, complained about me, and still congratulates me on the holidays. When I find out about this, he first blames me for everything, and then apologizes and says that I am his beloved, and he does not need that woman and he is deceiving her.
I feel bad, I feel bad with him, I don’t see a way out, I have no vitality. I'm a masochist. All the swearing happens in front of the children. They feel bad. I understand. That in many ways I myself provoke the situation with prostitutes, and with the swearing and beatings, and with the fact that he fell in love. We both feel bad for each other. But we can't part. It seems to me that I am already developing some kind of mental illness... I saw a psychologist three years ago. She said that we need to get a divorce and the sooner the better. Help. I'm afraid to be alone with the children.

March 13, 2017

IrinaIrina

Hello Irina. I am very sorry that you have to go through such pain and despair. What you call your mental illness is most likely a feeling of emotional dependence on your husband and on your relationship, from which you cannot get out.
If you were raised by an aunt, I assume that you did not receive enough care, acceptance and approval, right? In turn, the husband’s craving for sex on the side also speaks of the children’s unsatisfied needs for attention and security. That is why you and he chose each other more unconsciously than on the basis of sincere deep feelings, creating a codependent relationship.
Three years ago, after a recommendation from a psychologist, were you also afraid to get a divorce for fear of not being able to cope with the children alone? Are they going to kindergarten now? Are you working part-time? Do you have relatives and friends who support you now and are ready to help if you need it?

March 13, 2017

There really was no close relationship with my aunt. She herself had a lot of problems. She was left without a mother early, then at 22 she gave birth to a daughter out of wedlock. She is small and fragile, she has made herself in life, she has a difficult character. I understood that I was a burden for her, and she often said that no one else needed me except her, and no one else from my relatives wanted to raise me. I always felt guilty for everything. Moreover, she also said that she could not arrange her personal life, because she was raising me and her daughter. But I helped as best I could. Her daughter was one year old when her aunt went to work, I was 15. The child remained in my arms. Then I took her to the garden, picked her up, and cleaned the house every day. Although I left for my current husband, she was only 35 and her daughter was already quite old. Now I understand that it's not just me.
My husband grew up in a dysfunctional family. His mother is a stupid woman whose husband cheated on her. She poisoned him with showdowns. My husband is very similar to his mother both in appearance and behavior. Before, I didn’t pay attention to it, didn’t attach any importance to it. And we had to run away right away before this addiction to each other arose. His mother really did not give him tenderness, he was born late, she was 40, the second child, whom she did not want and often talks about this, including in front of him. And for his father he is the first-born. His parents finally separated when my husband was 15 years old. And all these years they fought. I don’t want this, my children feel bad, they worry a lot, they don’t love their father, although they miss him.
Now the children go to kindergarten. They get sick just like everyone else. I went to work, where I was not expected after maternity leave. Which is what I'm worried about too. My income has halved. I take a part-time job and am torn apart.
When the children were almost a year old (even before I found out and my husband confirmed about prostitutes) we bought an apartment with a mortgage. Construction has stopped, money is frozen. Because I was on maternity leave, the apartment was arranged for two people with my husband, although his share there is less than 10%. Now, just like that, he blackmails me with an apartment, saying that he will sell the share to realtors cheaply, etc.
I don't want to live like this. My grandmother and grandfather were intelligent people, my mother was a nurse. We never had such swearing, no one beat me, no one destroyed anything in the apartment. I am ashamed to live like this, ashamed of myself. All the neighbors see this, he beat me twice so much that I walked around with bruises on my face. And I work as the head of a department. I do not love him. And for a long time there has been no sympathy, no good feelings, no warm relationships. My behavior is like a vicious circle: he beats me, humiliates me, insults me, and I take offense at him and neglect him, saying nasty things. But I can't support him when he eg. Not finding a new job, he quits and sits at home for half a year. As a result, I get him a new job (this has happened twice already, and then at work I support him, protect him, they complain to me about him and only for my sake they keep him and find excuses for him). Or when he takes my car and in 20 minutes (right in the yard) manages to scratch it badly. Yes, I don't respect him, I think he's a loser. He didn’t want to get a higher education (I persuaded him for 5 years, I studied for a year for him), he doesn’t want to grow. He sits all day on the Internet and watches ***** until the morning.
There is nothing positive in this relationship. He blames me for everything. Despite the fact that he is not guilty of anything, as he says. He says that I don’t appreciate him, I find fault with everything, I humiliate him. He is right. But maybe he needs another woman? He says that he will find someone who will obey him in everything, without opening her mouth and do everything he says. But he is not responsible for his actions. If you crashed your car, no problem, just do it. No, he never has money for this. He has golden hands, he did the renovations in the apartment himself: from electrics to tiles. But he does everything very slowly, about five years per 44 square meters. m. And all with anguish, with swearing. I'm really tired. I'm scared. I dream of a family, of a husband whom I will meet from work in the evening and discuss with him my life every day, I want to be loved! Really want to! I don’t believe that anything can improve in our relationship. This is not my man. But as one lady told me, I can’t count on another husband with two children and my character. Only if some older man picks us up.

Again, this is my version of our relationship. And I'm talking about how I feel all this and what happens to me.

March 13, 2017

IrinaIrina

Irina, the lady’s words that you cannot find another husband “with such a character” - what is this about (what qualities of yours)? Do you agree with her opinion?
You talk about the desire to be loved, but do you love yourself? Can you take care of yourself: retire when it’s too noisy, don’t endure, but say, for example, in a cafe that they served you an unwashed plate or didn’t bring you the sauce you ordered, defend yourself when you are unfairly criticized, and so on? Have you directly told your husband about the need for his attention and kind attitude, tenderness, support?
The fact is that a married couple is a system, and according to the laws of the system, everything in it must be balanced. According to the roles you have unconsciously chosen, you are in a positive role (I call it the role of an Angel) - helping your husband get a job, enduring his scolding and reproaches, working for two, bearing the burden of everyday problems and raising children alone; and the husband has no choice but to take the negative position of the “Devil” - lead a riotous lifestyle, do not strain and do not help around the house, do not take care of the children, insult and beat you, and believe that everything is as it should be.
This happens due to the fact that you do not allow yourself to express your minus, that is, negative emotions, and you constantly hold back, endure until the last (a habit from teenage life with your aunt). You need to learn to defend your personal boundaries (“You can’t do this with me!”), immediately talk about the negative emotions that arise in the “I-message” (when you talk not about how bad your husband is, but about how you yourself feel): “I feel hurt/unpleasant/offended/scared/anxious when I see/hear that...” and then explain the reason for your feelings, in the last sentence inviting your interlocutor to find a way out (“Let’s think about how we can solve this problem? ", "Do you think we can overcome this? "). In addition, it is necessary to get rid of expectations regarding your husband: now he is who he is, and perhaps it will not be possible to improve the situation, so do not waste time and energy trying to change him (education, etc.), but take care of yourself: try find more time for your interests, take more time off from everyday worries (the dust won’t go anywhere, but you’ll get a break), communicate with positively minded people who support you. Gradually the situation will begin to level out. But before you completely heal from traumatic childhood events and gain self-confidence, you need to undergo a course of meetings with a psychologist.

March 14, 2017

I don’t know what to answer about my character anymore. I used to consider myself a strong person, set goals and go towards them. She graduated from college with honors, then from a university, also with all 5's. She got a job in her specialty and after three years became the head of a department at a large enterprise, she was always in the thick of things. I set a goal to have children, it took three years, and I achieved it. And then at some point everything went wrong... Both at home and at work. What I am now - unsure of myself. The husband is the only man. There used to be fans, but nothing more. Now they are also paying attention to me, but no one is offering anything)
I am emotional, sociable, touchy. I can say no if I'm on edge. I tolerate everything from management; it seemed to me that the manager himself should notice my work. But no, this is not happening. If I receive unfair criticism, I can defend myself. And I will say that you are wrong. But all conversations with my husband don’t work out. He literally shuts my mouth. Doesn't listen at all. I am the word, he is ten to me. I tried both with examples and in letters (since he doesn’t listen). But he is like blind and deaf-mute. He’s just making noise and doesn’t even want to hear me, that I feel that this is painful and offensive for me.
I don’t really understand how the husband has no choice but to take a negative position? What should I do? I experimented, tried to divide responsibilities on paper, and left dishes in the sink for three days. So nothing changes. At the same time, he agrees with me, but does nothing. It’s funny, he found me vacancies and sent me to interviews for management positions with a good salary. I tell him that in such a job I will just live, and I want to be close to the children. And if I get such a job, then all the housework should fall on your shoulders. He says: it’s okay, you’ll work for three months, save some money and start your own business. That is, he is not going to share responsibilities. As soon as I stay late, or the children sat with him when they were sick for a couple of days, everything at home is upside down. Children are running naked, hungry, grimy. Well, what kind of work is there for big money...
He's such a manipulator. I don’t like these showdowns and constantly give in. If only he didn't yell.
And how to properly learn to defend your boundaries? Of course, it’s easier for me to do everything myself than to listen to him and waste energy and nerves to move him. Then it will be my fault and I will get hit in the face for disturbing him.
I don’t believe that I can talk to him, agree that he will hear me. Yes, I don’t want this anymore. He's really inadequate. It seems to me that he also has childhood traumas.
And to tell the truth, I don’t want to be with him. If you don’t open the door for him, he will kick it and shout that he will burn my car and pierce all the tires. I just can't anymore. We exhaust each other for no apparent reason. He doesn't understand me, doesn't listen, and ultimately irritates me. He has some crazy ideas that I should be the one to implement, because I can do it, but he can’t. And I have to help him.
I want to love myself, everything you say is correct. But now I feel that we need to part with him, after some time I need to come to my senses. And then think about the future, move on. But I really feel this need to recuperate. I'm just on edge.
Thank you very much for being there and for responding to my letter.

March 14, 2017

IrinaIrina

Irina, the behavior of your husband that you described is really strange and sometimes inappropriate. You are right: with a 99% probability, he also has deep childhood traumas, which is why you attracted each other (your need for care and approval, his need for strength and security that came from you). Now, with the passage of time, you have grown up, but your husband, on the contrary, has descended to a primitive level (is this a scenario from your family, or from his family?).
“I now feel that we need to part with him,” - do you have the opportunity to live with your children with one of your relatives or friends? There is no agreement at all with your husband regarding the divorce (he demands to leave everything as it is)?

March 15, 2017

We left him anyway. Aunt allowed us to live in her apartment, separate housing. But less than a month later, my husband moved in with us again.
He is not against divorce, but he does nothing himself. Even when he fell in love with another woman, he did not file for divorce. I confronted him with a fact: either family or another woman. He chose her, made a conversation with her, opened up about his feelings. But she said that she could not reciprocate his feelings. I don't know about its true reasons.
And I don’t understand myself about this: when I realized that he really fell in love with her, I cried every day, I had hysterics, I just didn’t know what to do. The world around me literally collapsed. I tried to change in order to preserve what I have (although I don’t know why), I found this woman and talked to her. And now I think that she was my chance to make him leave.
With every quarrel, my husband screams about divorce and that he hates me. At the same time, he is frightened that he will quit from everywhere and is not going to pay any alimony. He is only going to share the property with me.
Regarding the scenario, this is apparently the development of the relationship between his parents; he is now trying to repeat the same in our family. This was the only way his mother behaved. I know many relatives from his father’s side, they are all normal, family-oriented and prosperous people. I saw his father only three times during his lifetime. But I can say that he also strived for well-being. At home his table was always full, clean and comfortable. I can't say the same about his mother. Although she lives alone, doesn’t even have a cat, and you can only enter the house in boots, you feel some kind of superficial dirt, as if everything is somehow unwashed... And she herself hasn’t earned anything in her life. I have no respect for her for raising such a son, I don’t even want her to communicate with my children. And she doesn't really strive.
You can talk about his inappropriate behavior every day. Every day there is inappropriate behavior.
I must break this connection for the sake of my future, for the sake of the health of my children.

March 15, 2017

IrinaIrina

“And I don’t understand myself about this: when I realized that he really fell in love with her, I cried every day, I had hysterics, I just didn’t know what to do. The world around me literally collapsed. I tried to change in order to save what exists (although I don’t know why)” - all this is about codependent relationships, Irina. Apparently, at that time you still had too much self-doubt in yourself and your strengths (it’s really difficult to work and raise children at the same time), fear of a lonely future (“What will I do alone with two small children?”), and an attitude of preserving the marriage at any cost ( parental - from childhood). Now you have already outgrown this behavior pattern and are ready for decisive action.
“Less than a month later, my husband moved in with us again,” how did this happen, since he didn’t have the keys? You probably gave in and allowed him to do this? Then the question is not about your husband’s inappropriate behavior, but about your internal resistance to breaking up with him. “I must break this connection for the sake of my future, for the sake of the health of my children,” these words come from your head, but in your heart (feelings) you are still so dependent on this person and your relationship with him that you cannot finally decide to divorce.

March 16, 2017

You are right about everything. I can't decide to divorce. I can’t even hear his voice on the phone, it’s annoying. But at the same time, if he doesn’t call for a long time, I can dial it myself. Nonsense. It’s not my thing, it infuriates me, irritates me. And at the same time, I sit and wait for a miracle that will suddenly resolve itself, a fairy will come and everything will change. I understand that I have to do everything myself. He, too, cannot just leave forever, take a decisive step. This is how we torture each other and our children. Probably, you really can’t do without therapy here. Otherwise, at this rate it will simply lead to disaster.
No strength, no confidence, no determination. It's like that.

March 16, 2017

IrinaIrina

Irina, it’s good that you recognize all this. There is also a moment of mutual benefit in your relationship with your husband: against his background, you look like a hardworking, purposeful, successful woman, and you can justify any of your shortcomings or mistakes by the fact that there is such a person next to you - lazy, dejected, and unsupportive. Probably, by telling others about him and taking the position of the Victim, you receive the attention and sympathy you need, feeling important and fulfilled in many areas (compared to your husband). If this is so, then you have a burdened codependency, and it is really very difficult to cope without therapy.
How are you now? What's going on between you and your husband now?

March 17, 2017

Maria, good afternoon!
I have long noticed that I chose the position of the victim. It seems that you are right in that in this way I attract attention to myself, people feel sorry for me, oh, poor thing, my husband is such a bastard. Ugh, I feel disgusted for myself. It is clear that he is a bastard, raising his hand to a woman and cheating on him, there can be no excuse for this. But everything is again interconnected. I never loved him. I always felt sorry for him. When we met, he was all in trouble. He walked around in torn socks, pants and sweaters. But I’m a fool, I fed him, dressed him up. He tried to please me in everything then, to guess my desires. But now neither he wants to take care of me, nor do I raise my hand to take care of him. Although out of habit, seeing how frayed he is, I take him to the store... I feel sorry for him. But he doesn’t feel sorry for me.
About the fact that compared to my husband I look more successful... You opened my eyes to this, to be honest. Of course, it's just as simpler. Look, look how useless my husband is, and how wonderful I am) It’s more difficult to set new goals for yourself and go towards them. Strive for new accomplishments and achievements. Learn new things. You open my eyes to things that really lie on the surface. Why don't I notice this myself?
What is happening to us now? Everyone lives their own lives and lives together at the same time. We constantly express dissatisfaction with each other. Both are tired.

March 20, 2017

IrinaIrina

Irina, you have seen a lot in the mechanism of your relationship with your husband, and this is the first step on the road of change. My colleague Maya Hen has a short but important text about leaving the role of a victim - read:
"Realize that you yourself are playing the role of the victim.

The key word is himself.

It's hard to admit.

The role was imposed on an unconscious level in childhood by parents, school and other well-wishers. This role was approved and encouraged by significant figures and the child felt very good and happy performing it.

Often the victim does not know that he is a victim. She feels her great mission, is proud of herself, feels valuable and significant, very good. The victim believes that he is doing good to others. The first realization comes when she realizes that she is not valued. Others for some reason do not appreciate the good that she wants to do to them and even shy away from it. They are bad, and I am good, the victim decides. They are bad because they don’t appreciate them. The victim believes that others will one day understand her value and be grateful. For this, she is ready, with new strength and with all zeal, to sacrifice herself even more. She soon realizes that she is not only not appreciated, but moreover, she is required to do good in full and with even better quality. And the demands are growing day by day, expressed in a rude and disrespectful manner. It’s good if there is an insight that something is not gelling here. In this case, the victim can pay attention to himself: what is he doing that over and over again finds himself in the position of a victim. How does she herself contribute to this?

Realize the harm of being a victim for yourself and your loved ones.

The key word is for yourself.

The victim offers herself and is glad when she is used, because someone needs her! Delight and Hurray! Her value increases when someone depends on her services, and especially when she cannot do without her at all. The victim's child often becomes unconsciously, for her sake, powerless or sick. The husband/wife starts drinking and quits work. As a result, the children hate her/him, the husband/wife scolds and beats her/him.

Quit the game: rescuer, rapist, victim.

It is very difficult to get out of the vicious circle of rescuer, criminal, victim. Drastic measures are required. The victim cannot leave because she sincerely believes that the others will die without her. She does not understand that she urgently needs to save herself. The others hold her tightly so that the game does not end, because the unknown is scary. They don’t yet know how to live differently. Usually the victim comes to a psychologist when he has reached the point of depression or suicide, when the children are drug addicts, drink, and do not work.

Release the "criminal".

The criminal must be released in two ways: external and internal. Letting go of the external criminal means accepting all the violence that occurred as inevitable under the conditions that previously existed, moving away from the external criminal, leaving his sphere of influence so that the violence against you does not happen again, demanding compensation for the damage caused, if possible.

Letting go of the inner criminal within yourself means giving up the desire for revenge, seeing your own inner executioner who has mentally tortured the criminal many times in your imagination, turning your attention to yourself, and deciding how you can help yourself make your life more prosperous.

Refuse to “save” other adults.

Caring is wonderful when it does not interfere with the development of the one being cared for. There is no need to try to change someone else. Change yourself. Change your life to become an example of a better life, to become happy. Even the Lord God does not decide the fate of people, but gives them the opportunity to choose and make mistakes.

Find a new purpose in life.

Redistribute priorities."

March 21, 2017

Surprisingly, every word is spot on... It never even occurred to me. Now, analyzing and remembering my childhood, I understand that I needed my mother’s love. And she was always busy with work, her own affairs, and her personal life. And I tried my best, tried to be obedient and good, as if saying: well, pay attention to me, I’m so good, so great. The same goes for college, the same goes for my current husband. But all I wanted was love, support, attention.
Over the past week, a smooth relationship has been established with my husband. He fulfills my requests, I react to many things more calmly. But it is precisely this behavior of his that makes me extremely suspicious. Yeah, that means he's up to something bad. I’m starting to suspect, I’m starting to beat myself up about why he’s behaving so calmly, he’s probably building a relationship with his beloved again. And I found his February correspondence, where he writes to her how much he misses her, how he wants to see that she is his drug - her lips, eyes, figure, character, soul... And I don’t know why I’m bothering, why something look out. I just can't calm down. It hurts me to tears that he loves someone else so madly, and not me. But I really need it.
Well, how can I get out of my head that he is not mine now, for a long time already, that he has love for someone else. She periodically answers him with something, she doesn’t immediately send him to hell, but keeps him at a distance. And if it weren’t for me and the children, they would have had a relationship long ago. http://psiholog-galina.ru/psichologiya-zhenschini/kak-prinyat-sebya-takoy-kakaya-est
Then you should think - why do you need this relationship (given that we have discovered the mechanism of its action in your couple)?

March 27, 2017

Maria! I'm literally going crazy. I didn’t want to write to you, because I’ve already tormented you with my whining. But I can’t, I have no one to talk to... I’m furious because of that woman who appeared in my husband’s life. More than a year ago, he went to work, where a woman works on his team, who is 6 years older than him, she is 40. He fell madly in love with her. I wrote about this. And now more than a year has passed, and he still communicates with her. She hides it, gets new SIM cards, erases messages, etc. When I talked to her, she said that she has a man with whom she has been in a relationship for 4 years, he is 10 years older than her and she does not want to sacrifice this relationship for my husband's sake. But still, when I asked her to just send it, rudely, she didn't do it. And when he writes to her, she answers him. It’s clear that she’s pleased that someone is crazy about her; her husband is simply blown away by her. And I don't understand what's wrong. She is completely ordinary, such a “modest teacher”, it would be understandable if it were a sex bomb. And here... As a result, he writes to her about his incredible feelings and emotions, she receives all this and answers something neutral. Neither no nor yes. And she doesn’t care that we have quarrels because of her. After all, he tells her how bad everything is at home, that he will divorce me anyway and will do everything for her, he is ready for anything. I saw these letters of his, she showed them herself. Last summer, right after work, I stood and waited for her to go home. We work at the same company. When I saw her, the mere sight of her made me furious, just from the fact that she passed by. And she tells me that my husband is not her type, that he is too small for her, and that she accidentally gave him her phone number, but at the same time she listens to his declarations of love, not even love, but adoration!! ! And he lowers his eyes languidly. One day I overheard their conversation when he forgot to hang up. I came to their department, and my husband said that he was glad that I heard everything. And she stood in the corner, her eyes downcast.
I don’t want to live with him, but the thought that he will leave for her just breaks me. When I had a situation, I immediately told the young man that that’s enough, I don’t need this. She said it rudely, but honestly. And he fell behind. And she didn’t bother torturing him. And here... She knows that he is crazy about her, she knows that I am very worried and crying, she knows that we have quarrels because of her and the children also suffer. But she doesn't care. She receives his SMS, sends holiday greeting cards, keeps in touch... Now my husband has been on sick leave for 4 months. But soon he will go to work, and they will be together for 8 hours every day. And again he will begin to run after her, wait around every corner, say his endearments and so on. And this literally makes me climb the walls. And I can’t switch to something, as you advised. I already go to fitness 3-4 times a week. It's an obsession. This is the kind of codependent relationship I have.. It’s called I don’t like it myself, and I won’t give it to others.

IrinaIrina