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Vladimir Zobern
Orthodox mother. Allowance for raising and caring for a child
© Eksmo Publishing House LLC, 2015
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Preface
For more than 1000 years, the Orthodox faith determined the consciousness of the Russian people. Having accomplished a breakdown of the people's soul, the years of atheism could not erase these centuries. Orthodoxy, being the most important part of Russian self-awareness, has been preserved in historical memory, in the gene pool of the Russian people. Therefore, despite the fact that the book is primarily focused on raising children in the traditions of Orthodoxy, mothers and fathers who do not consider themselves believers will be able to find advice in it on how to preserve the spiritual and physical health of a child. In the West, such literature is intended for people with a different worldview, with a different history, with a different religion.
Traditional Russian medicine has never contradicted the teachings of the Orthodox Church. The unity of priest and doctor in healing the patient has always been emphasized both in the Church and in pre-revolutionary medicine. And above all, this unity lies in love for the sick, in the indispensable adherence to the rule “Do no harm.”
In the Gospel, the body is called the temple of the soul (see: 1 Corinthians, chapter 3, verse 16; chapter 6, verse 19). But the soul not only puts on a body, it finds expression for earthly life in it.
The spirit is that part of the soul through which it communicates with God. "Spirit,- says Saint Theophan the Recluse, - how the power that came from God knows God, seeks God and finds peace in Him Alone.”
Diseases are also divided into physical, mental and spiritual.
Bodily illnesses occur when a person’s physical “composition” is damaged.
Mental - when there is a violation of his mental activity (“psycho” from Greek- soul); The field of medicine known as psychiatry studies these diseases.
Spiritual illness is primarily a sin; its extreme form is possession by unclean spirits. Almost always a person becomes spiritually ill when he resorts to the help of psychics and occultists. Only a priest can help a person who is spiritually ill.
The first part of the book talks about the spiritual development of a child based on patristic literature. Much attention is paid to raising a child in the spirit of Orthodoxy through Baptism, Communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, confession, prayer, and fasting.
The second part of the book shows the period of physical development of a child from birth to adolescence, talks about the main growing pains, their symptoms and pre-medical care.
We hope that the book will be useful to those living in those places in Russia where, for various reasons, it is not possible to quickly call a doctor - in rural areas, hard-to-reach areas.
The third part contains a prayer book to help the sick, and the fourth part contains instructions on fasting for children and parents.
Part one
Spiritual development of a child
Chapter 1
Sacrament of marriage (wedding)
Marriage between a man and a woman was established by the Lord Himself, who created them: “And the Lord God said: It is not good for the man to be alone; Let us make him a helper suitable for him<…>Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; and they will become one flesh"(Book of Genesis, chapter 2, verses 18, 24).
“Marriage is a Divine Sacrament. He was part of God's plan when He created man,– wrote the holy queen-martyr Alexandra Feodorovna, who gave all women an example of Christian fulfillment of the feat of marriage and motherhood. – This is the closest and most sacred connection on earth... Without the blessing of God, without His sanctification of the marriage, all congratulations and good wishes of friends will be an empty phrase. Without His daily blessing of family life, even the most tender and true love will not be able to give everything that a thirsty heart needs. Without Heaven’s blessing, all the beauty, joy, and value of family life can be destroyed at any moment.”
In the Christian Church, God's blessing to those entering into marriage is sent by the Lord in the Sacrament of Wedding. Civil marriage is defined by the Church as prodigal cohabitation, except in cases where one of the spouses consciously comes to faith while already married, and the other does not want to get married. In this case, the Church is based on the words of the Holy Apostle Paul: “If any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she agrees to live with him, then he should not leave her; and a wife who has an unbelieving husband, and he agrees to live with her, should not leave him. For an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife, and an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband. Otherwise your children would have been unclean, but now they are holy.”(1 Corinthians, chapter 7, verses 12-14). But then the apostle adds: “If an unbeliever wants to get a divorce, let him get a divorce; the brother or sister is not related in such cases; The Lord has called us to peace."(1 Corinthians, chapter 7, verse 15).
Consequently, if an unmarried marriage was concluded before the spouses became churchgoers, then the initiative for divorce should not belong to the believing spouse. If both husband and wife come to faith, of course, they need to sanctify their union with the grace-filled church Sacrament of Marriage (Wedding). (The name “Wedding” comes from the laying of crowns on the newlyweds.)
It happens that young people get married in the Church not out of conviction, but only because “it’s beautiful,” not realizing that church marriage is an indissoluble union.
“Unfortunately, those over whom it is performed do not always understand the importance of this sacred rite,” Bishop of Dmitrov Vissarion (Nechaev) instructed the brides and grooms. – That is why, even during its performance, they behave without proper reverence and do not prepare for it with preliminary prayers for the sending of God’s blessing. But if the celebration of Marriage is a Sacrament, then, like any other Sacrament, it requires a prayerful mood of spirit from those approaching it.
Just as those approaching the Sacrament of Confession must predispose themselves to it by a preliminary long feat of prayer, otherwise they will not receive the expected benefits for souls from it, so those entering into marriage must be in a prayerful mood of spirit not only during the performance of this Sacrament on them, but also before the performance his. Whoever does not have such a mood before the Wedding, then the grace of God bestowed in the Sacrament of Marriage falls on completely barren soil.”.
Advising those entering into marriage to refrain from amusements and vain worries before the wedding, the bishop further talks about how good and gracious the joint prayer of the bride and groom for blessings for the upcoming life in marriage is.
Before the Sacrament of Wedding, the Orthodox Church orders the bride and groom to confess and receive communion.
Church marriage is indissoluble, as is clear from the words of the Savior: “What God has joined together, let no man separate”(Gospel of Matthew, chapter 19, verse 6). Exceptions are made in special cases, as we see from the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church” adopted at the Council of Bishops in 2000: “In 1918, the Local Council of the Russian Orthodox Church, in its “Definition on the reasons for the dissolution of a marriage sanctified by the Church,” recognized as such, in addition to adultery and the entry of one of the parties into a new marriage, also the apostasy of one of the parties from Orthodoxy, unnatural vices, inability to marry cohabitation that occurred before marriage or was the result of intentional self-mutilation, leprosy or syphilis, long-term unknown absence, condemnation to punishment coupled with deprivation of all rights of the estate, encroachment on the life or health of the spouse or children, daughter-in-law, pandering, benefiting from the indecency of the spouse, incurable serious mental illness and malicious abandonment of one spouse by the other. Currently, this list of grounds for divorce is supplemented by such reasons as AIDS, medically certified chronic alcoholism or drug addiction, and the wife committing an abortion with her husband’s disagreement.”.
Reasons like “they didn’t get along” cannot be grounds for dissolving a Christian marriage. But what to do in such cases? Let us turn again to the diary entries of the holy queen-martyr Alexandra Feodorovna: “Due to the fault of those who get married, one or both, married life can become a misery. The possibility of being happy in a marriage is very great, but we must not forget the possibility of its collapse. Only a correct and wise life in marriage will help to achieve an ideal marital relationship.
The first lesson to learn and practice is patience. At the beginning of family life, both the advantages of character and disposition are revealed, as well as the shortcomings and peculiarities of habits, taste, and temperament, which the other half did not even suspect. Sometimes it seems that it is impossible to get used to each other, that there will be eternal and hopeless conflicts, but patience and love overcome everything, and two lives merge into one, more noble, stronger, fuller, richer, and this life will continue in peace and quiet...
Another secret of happiness in family life is attention to each other. Husband and wife should constantly show each other signs of the most tender attention and love. The happiness of life is made up of individual minutes, of small, quickly forgotten pleasures; from a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment and countless small but kind thoughts and sincere feelings. Love also needs its daily bread.
Another important element in family life is unity of interests. Nothing a wife cares about should seem too small, even for the gigantic intellect of the greatest of husbands. On the other hand, every wise and faithful wife will willingly take an interest in the affairs of her husband. She will want to know about his every new project, plan, difficulty, doubt. She will want to know which of his endeavors have succeeded and which have not, and be aware of all his daily activities. Let both hearts share both joy and suffering. Let them share the burden of worries in half. Let everything in their life be common. They should go to church together, pray side by side, together bring to the feet of God the burden of caring for their children and everything dear to them. Why don't they talk to each other about their temptations, doubts, secret desires and help each other with sympathy and words of encouragement? So they will live one life, not two.
Be afraid of the slightest beginning of misunderstanding or alienation. Instead of holding back, a stupid, careless word is uttered - and between the two hearts, which before were one whole, a small crack appears, it widens and widens until they find themselves forever torn from each other. Did you say something in a hurry? Ask for forgiveness immediately. Do you have any misunderstanding? No matter whose fault it is, don't let him stay between you for an hour.
Refrain from quarreling. Don't go to bed harboring feelings of anger in your soul. There should be no place for pride in family life. You should never indulge your sense of offended pride and scrupulously calculate who exactly should ask for forgiveness. Those who truly love do not engage in such casuistry. They are always ready to give in and apologize.”
It’s not for nothing that we paid so much attention to the “recipes for family happiness” from the holy empress-martyr Alexandra Feodorovna. Many contemporaries of the holy martyr Nicholas II, even among his obvious ill-wishers, recalled that they had never met such a friendly and happy family that could serve as a role model for everyone. Naturally, with such an attitude of the royal spouses towards each other, the spiritual and mental health of their children was out of danger.
But how often, especially in modern families, the causes of children’s illnesses, not only spiritual, but also physical, are the mood in the family, the atmosphere of unlove, disrespect of parents for each other.
The infidelity of one spouse becomes a disaster for the entire family.
“Many people think that the Church prohibits fornication simply from the principles of Christian morality,– writes Archpriest Boris Nechiporov. – But that's not the point. In marriage, husband and wife form a special unity, but fornication creates a crack, a schism, a black hole. And this, in turn, puts the heaviest burden on children.”
Doctors have proven that for a woman, the first sexual contact is not only a strong psychological shock, but also affects her heredity, since the male seed, having entered the female body, inevitably causes changes in it, which subsequently affects the offspring. That is why it is necessary for a girl to maintain chastity, to preserve herself for marriage. Maintaining purity before marriage is equally important for a man.
But a more serious sin than fornication is adultery. “The biggest sin and the biggest crime in the family is treason, adultery. Betrayal in the family - the sin of Judas - leads to the death of marriage and the breakdown of the family. In a family with children, this is the greatest religious, moral, social, and biological tragedy. If such a misfortune happens in a Christian marriage, the faithful half (husband and wife) must remain faithful. Dante argued that “true love cannot but be mutual. And fidelity in response to betrayal sometimes works miracles and brings back the lost one after a while...”(I.M. Andreev).
Archpriest Boris Nichiporov:
The fornicator or adulterer tells himself that no one will know his adventures. But the heart feels that mystically this is not only not hidden from anyone, but everyone knows about it: heaven, earth, children, wife or husband... The second illusion is that in fornication there is supposedly only the physical combination and there is no spiritual depravity. The Apostle Paul responds to this by saying: “Nothing should possess me. The body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. Or do you not know that whoever has sex with a harlot becomes one body with her? For it is said: the two will become one flesh...<…>Every sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in you? (1 Corinthians, chapter 6, verses 12-13, 16, 18, 19).
The advice of many would-be psychotherapists appears to be a consequence of incredible spiritual and professional degradation: “If you have sexual incompatibility with your husband (wife), find yourself a partner (or partner).” Partner! These “specialists” do not understand anything about the science of man and fully correspond to the gospel image: "They – blind leaders of the blind; and if a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.” (Gospel of Matthew, chapter 15, verse 14).
I may be asked, what should I do if there really is incompatibility? And I will answer. We must understand each specific case, but firmly know that moral failure does not give rise to either mental or physical comfort. On the contrary, such advice gives rise to a whole series of problems and worries.
Christianity is fundamentally about sacrifice. For the sake of saving the human race, the Lord sacrificed Himself for the sins of people and called upon the disciples following Him to self-sacrifice - to bear their cross. The establishment of a Christian marriage as a matter pleasing to God is also never complete without self-sacrifice.
How many times have you heard that a person left his family for the sake of a career, work, because of the inability to come to terms with some qualities of his spouse, because for some reason his “other half” became uninteresting, etc. But people who marry with the intention of spending their entire lives with one single person do not leave themselves such a loophole as the possibility of divorce. Being ready to sacrifice themselves in the name of the family, they overcome many trials, discovering new wonderful qualities in each other and growing from love to love.
Chapter 2
Conceiving a child
In a good, friendly family, the birth of children is always a joy. And this joy is not overshadowed, as in many modern godless families, by thoughts about the upcoming difficulties with the advent of a new person. Bearing in mind that the feat of marriage is a feat of martyrdom, husband and wife are prepared in advance for the inevitable sacrifices for marriage. In this case - in the name of the child that the Lord gives them. The mother must come to terms with the fact that with the birth of her child she will need to devote herself to him, forgetting for some time (preferably for as long as possible) about work, even her favorite one. The mother will invariably have to worry, and lack sleep, and get tired, while giving up many things that are familiar and pleasant. The husband must also understand this and become a real support for his wife and children, and not only support the family, but also take a full part in raising his sons and daughters, and, at first, in caring for them. If spouses approach the conception of a child with such readiness for self-sacrifice, realizing what a great Divine mystery it is, what a great event the birth of a person is, then it will not even occur to them that the child may be unwanted or unplanned. “Family planning” (what a common, familiar phrase these days!) is left exclusively to God by believing spouses. No matter how many children are born in a family, no matter how difficult it is, the mother and father will not perceive the birth of another baby as a test, but only as a blessing.
Speaking about conceiving a child, we emphasize: the Church does not bless the use of contraceptives. Why?
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov answers this question this way:
...The use of a contraceptive is the same as mechanically emptying the stomach to once again accept unnecessary food. This is a kind of self-deception, the transformation of labor life into meaningless physiological exploitation of the human body without the implementation of labor activity... If God blesses children, then we must give birth to them. The use of contraceptives stimulates irresponsibility towards the great Sacrament of Marriage - this Divine, mysterious institution, amazing in its meaning. In marriage, two people unite in love - and from two cells uniting into one, a new person appears, who has never existed on earth, with his own abilities, characteristics, carrying within himself the entire genetic range of his ancestors...
Contraceptives are unnatural means... Therefore, from a moral point of view, such means cannot be used. The Church cannot bless this as a perversion of human nature created by God... Moreover, it is known how harmful every single contraceptive means is.
That is, when it comes to whether to kill a child or not, people think about their health - it is harmful for them to give birth.
And when it comes to contraceptives, they deliberately harm him. This means that it is not a matter of health, but of passion.
If the wife does not want to be a mother or the husband, calling her his wife, does not want to have children from her, then conscience powerfully forbids even approaching the marital bed.
Indeed, how sad that many parents perceive the “unplanned” conception of a baby as an unfortunate accident! But, according to doctors, the effect of all contraceptives is abortifacient. Conception still occurs, but the fertilized egg is killed in the first days after the child is conceived. The human soul, placed by God in this cell, dies - already a real child! Can anyone hope that the children born later will be healthy and happy when so many of their brothers and sisters were killed in such a covert manner?
The fact that the sins of parents are reflected on children is not “a figment of the imagination of the churchmen.” This is confirmed by life itself.
Archpriest Artemy Vladimirov:
Our children suffer even before their conception, or rather, the suffering that voluptuous parents inflict on each other, scolding their own nature, is reflected in the physical and mental state of their future children.
The Church instructs believing parents to abstain from marital relations on Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday (from the evening of the previous day to the evening of the current one). The three allocated days are special: on Wednesday our Lord Jesus Christ was betrayed by Judas, on Friday he endured the torment of the cross and death, and on Sunday he rose from the dead. In the same way, great and especially revered Christian holidays and, of course, the time of the four fasts - Nativity, Great, Petrov, Assumption - and the first Easter week - Bright Week - a person should spend in abstinence, in prayer, and pay special attention to spiritual life. The prohibition of married life at this time is not artificial: long-term observations show that children conceived on such days are quite often born sick.
Archpriest Artemy Vladimirov:
According to the testimony of some church writers, the state of a child’s soul is largely predetermined by the state of hearts at the sacred hour of conception... If people, due to their spiritual ignorance, give themselves up to voluptuous thoughts, dreams, imaginations, if they corrupt themselves with unnatural fornication, then they are thereby already undermining the creative powers of their child.
And of course, there can be no talk of conceiving a baby “under the fumes of wine,” when the child not only physically, but also spiritually can become a victim of the parent’s passion for alcohol.
When I bought this book (with the same cover as in the photo) in a church shop, I was quietly happy. But of course! It’s always interesting and useful to learn something you don’t know yet or to deepen your existing knowledge. I was expecting a beautiful, unobtrusive spiritual narrative. And the title suggested it:
"Orthodox mom. A manual for the family, with instructions from a priest and advice from a pediatrician."
And I was just waiting for my daughter!
True, as a physician and an Orthodox Christian, I was somewhat perplexed by the announcement on the last page of the cover.
Traditional Russian medicine has never contradicted the teachings of the Orthodox Church. And first of all, this unity lies in love for the sick, in the indispensable adherence to the rule: “Do no harm.”<...>Moms and dads who don’t consider themselves believers can find advice in it.”
Traditional Russian? There is no such thing, but oh well, let it be, since the author wants it that way. “Do no harm” was actually coined by the pagan Hippocrates, what does Orthodoxy have to do with it? But then I just shrugged my shoulders and, joyful, went home to read and educate myself.
From the very first lines of the book I was amazed. And then disgust. Why? Because all medical concepts turned out to be inside out. Such nonsense, supported, moreover, by the words of priests, is very difficult and unpleasant to read. Besides this, the book is also full of stupid statements. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh when I read these lines:
“the feat of marriage is a feat of martyrdom in the name of the child that the Lord gives,” “every single contraceptive is harmful,” “the mother will agree to die herself or even with the child, but not become his killer
(have an abortion for medical reasons)."
These are just flowers. My eyes almost fell out of their sockets as I continued reading this “spiritual and educational” book. I’m not even talking about the jaw - it just “fell” on the ground, and until the end of reading it “lyed” there... It turns out that
"according to natural laws"
A pregnant woman must immediately end her marital relationship with her husband immediately after conception. And do not start them until the end of the breastfeeding period, otherwise
“voluptuousness will poison the mother’s nature and penetrate into the milk”, “married life is extremely harmful for the baby”,
and in general the milk will disappear, as it turns out...
The book is not only full of such terrible maxims - it is teeming with them! I repeat, I read the book intermittently, it was very difficult for me to perceive the text (although it was written in fairly good literary language), and at times I was ready to bang my head against the wall in connection with the inverted concepts. My medical mind could not come to terms with the statements of “traditional Russian medicine,” and my church-going Orthodox soul could not come to terms with the terrible paraspiritual “rules.”
Maybe the only thing. What is more or less useful for the soul in this book are quotes from the diary of Empress Alexandra Feodorovna. True, these quotes are tied to very controversial points in the author’s thoughts. And for some reason he does not remember that the martyr queen wrote “about Happiness in the Family” as a deeply unhappy woman. Yes, yes, it’s unlikely that a wife can be happy when her husband has a favorite (with whom the queen “became friends”); or a mother whose several children have died - can she be completely happy?
At the end of the book there are recipes for Lenten dishes - probably. This is the only thing this opus can boast of.
In general, the book left me with a terribly disgusting impression. How this rubbish got into the church shops - I have not the slightest idea. This is the kind of book that needs to be mercilessly thrown into the fire. To the fire!!! That's what I did with her. I think that in spiritual (and secular) terms the book is simply harmful! This is by no means a soulful read. I don't recommend it to anyone for anything.
– Does the problem of fathers and children sound different today than before?
– I think these are problems that are natural for all people. The severity and context may change depending on the time, the specific family, but the essence still remains the same.
Separation and misunderstanding between people began a long time ago, from the time of the Fall. People began to lose touch with each other. The story of the Babylonian Pandemonium is a prime example of this. They suddenly begin to speak different languages, and this is a very characteristic expression, which since then has probably been preserved in a figurative meaning. We, speakers of the same language, can speak “different languages” even within the family.
Disunity and misunderstanding, unfortunately, are a characteristic sign of damage to human nature, what can you do? The Church contrasts this with another unity - in Christ and the feast of Holy Pentecost itself, which shows the opposite perspective: suddenly people who speak different languages begin to understand each other perfectly. Because the Holy Spirit brings everyone together. And we have no other way to unity than only in Christ, only through Christ, through the Gospel, through our own development of hearing, through the development of our heart, painful and unpleasant, because as soon as a person begins to open up in our world, he immediately receives under the breath.
– You have said more than once that people replace life with its imitation, including in the family. How to understand where is the real thing and where is the fake.
– Usually this is understood when everything starts to collapse. When people who tend to live in ideas about something or someone, create ideas for themselves, are deprived of these ideas. That’s when the fall of the house happens great, and from that moment someone becomes able to see the light.
We are faced with situations where a family lives, and instead of love there are ideas about love. When people perceive life for themselves according to certain pre-formed patterns. These patterns can be formed in the previous family in which they grew up and they repeat the image of the parental family in relation to their own.
It happens that this is a pious desire to live according to the rules. For example, the image of an “Orthodox family”, which is read from very pious literature.
But the most pious literature and the best examples can be false helpers here. Let's say, books by Nikolai Evgrafovich Pestov. He himself is a wonderful teacher, created a wonderful family, raised children. But his advice, his experience and experiences may be perceived by someone as a general scheme, needed for everyone and transferred onto his own family thoughtlessly, like a stencil. Or, for example, people read how St. Sergius of Radonezh was raised by his pious parents and again - they attached a stencil. A certain artificial idea begins of what a real Christian family should be like. At the same time, parents may not see the children themselves, their own, with their characteristics. Who are they, their children? What conditions do they live in? How old are they? What are their interests?
Children begin to be trained according to a given pattern. At the same time, parents have pious and very correct desires to make their children real Christians. Although latently, most likely, there is also a desire to show others what our wonderful Orthodox family is like and how we must live up to this image of an Orthodox family. Because the parents themselves never lived up to this, and so they are trying to create these ideas artificially.
Children are left without real attention, without real love, without understanding, without hearing, without seeing by their parents, and all the time they begin to try - to fit in, fit in, fit in. Because children want to please their parents, they want to receive praise from them, they want their parents to notice them, love them, pat them on the head, praise them, and give them gifts. But it turns out that in this situation everything has to be earned and the means of earning money is piety. This works for a certain period, but then it inevitably breaks down, leading to conflict, to terrible misunderstanding.
Often there is alienation of parents towards their children, parental dislike, because suddenly the children stopped conforming, destroyed the parental dream, destroyed this ideal made-up world, which, according to the parents, was supposed to bring the children to the level of holiness, and, in the end, a little maybe until canonization? But the children, even in their teens, destroyed all these dreams.
And then it is very often difficult, even impossible, to break this alienation that has appeared.
Children suddenly begin to behave extremely ungodly, moreover, they move away from the Church, begin to fall into sins, to live completely incorrectly, ugly: the spring is unclenched in the other direction, and their parents hate them for it. They become alienated, close themselves off, and believe that their children are lost to them. They may say to themselves internally: “I don’t need such a child.” And at this moment they cease to be parents, at this moment the child is left completely alone. He must cope with the attack of temptation, for which he is completely unprepared, on his own, without parental help. And he falls under this attack, cannot cope, becomes a toy in the elements of this world and there is no one to help him...
– Even if the grown-up child later returns to the Church, will he still be internally cut off from his parents?
– It often happens that no understanding or connection arises between children and parents later.
I'm not even talking about those cases when parents will never become parents to their child, when they do not perceive their child as a child. “I have a problem with my daughter”, “I have a problem with my son” - what kind of expressions are these! It’s not my child who has problems, but me with him, “I” comes first here.
The relationship develops in such a way that the child is perceived as a problem for the parents, which must somehow be leveled out. Make the presence of the child in the life of the parents convenient and comfortable. Often these children are separated from their parents very far and for a long time. Moreover, if funds allow, they can do everything financially for their children - hire a nanny, enroll them in a good school, and so on. But parents will have their own lives, and children will have their own. What kind of parents are these? Why should you love them? To honor is necessary, but to love is impossible. Because where there was no love, there will be no love.
We are given the commandment “Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). But it doesn't talk about love. Because, unfortunately, not every parent can be loved by children. And not every parent truly loves. If a parent is not ready to give his life for his child, then something is wrong in this family.
– Often grown children are tormented by the contradiction that they cannot truly love their parents.
– Because, on the one hand, it is initially so natural for a person to love his parents. But when parents don’t give enough love, don’t connect themselves with their child with true love, the child’s thirst for love still remains. The potential of love is not exhausted and therefore a person finds himself in a strange state when he cannot connect his own life with the life of the one whom he wants to love and is obliged to love. But there is no meeting, no one to love, no parent. Although physically he seems to be nearby...
“But we need to love our enemies, and people can’t even love their own parents.”
“We have no orders to love our enemies.” We have a commandment. The commandment is a very high state to which a person must be able to approach and learn to love his enemies. Not every Christian succeeds. From which it does not follow that since it fails, then it will be good and right not to love. We just have to understand that the commandment to love our enemies is a superhuman commandment. It puts man on a par with God. This is a very high calling, you can strive for this, you need to know about it, you need to go towards it.
No child can say, “I don’t have to love my parents.” Must. But if there are no parents, then who to love? Yes, there are some people who are called parents (thank God, not everyone has this situation), but how to love them? How are the parents? Or as enemies? Or how in general as some kind of stranger?
I recently happened to give communion to a teenage girl who died of cancer a day later. The girl is from an orphanage, her blood parents abandoned her, and then her adoptive mother took her in. According to the girl’s recollections, her father died, although it later turned out that it was not her father who died, but some person with whom her mother lived at that time.
Some time after the girl came to her adoptive mother, it turned out that she had fast-growing cancer.
Mom managed to find out that the blood father of her adopted daughter had been found, he was alive, he was just in prison. And then this woman came to him, thinking that it would be important for the girl to know: her blood father was alive.
And he thought that now they would demand alimony from him and said: “Prove that she is my daughter.” There were also her blood brothers and sisters who also did not want to meet this girl.
After I gave Holy Communion to Polya, I talked for a long time with her mother, she told me all this and was very worried that she had not told her adopted daughter anything about the existence of relatives, after all, “native blood.” I said that she did the right thing, there was no need to tell the girl anything, because these people are not father, brother or sister. In this situation, inventing a relationship means once again hitting the unfortunate child. The relationship between parents and children cannot be imagined; they either exist or they don’t.
Yes, this situation may be special, although, unfortunately, it is not uncommon. And here the question of honoring parents can arise, but only as a strong, strong feat for a person who, realizing that there is some uncle or aunt who once threw him in the trash, will be able to pray for them as parents.
One of my parishioners approached me - a young woman whose children are schoolchildren. She grew up without a father: her mother said that he was a pilot and died. Suddenly it turned out that he had not died at all, he just didn’t want to know anything about his daughter for almost forty years, and then suddenly he showed up (and he has another family, other children) and wants to communicate. "But I do not want! What should I do, how should I treat him?” she said. I answered: “If this person is in trouble, in need, in some difficult circumstances, then you will have to help him. But if everything is fine with him, he lives surrounded by grandchildren, some of his other children, I don’t see the point in any communication. There was not a note of repentance on the part of this man. It’s just like, “Hey, baby. I'm your dad. Don't you want to be friends with me? Do you have borthers and sisters. Let's play the story that we are all friends, family. Let’s imagine such a prosperous, cloudless world.” No, you can’t, that’s a lie.”
– But if parents, without internal closeness, nevertheless raised a child, invested something in him when he was sick - treated him, clothed him, and so on, he should be responsible for this?
- Yes, I am obliged to something. I have to read it. It’s crazy when a person doesn’t help his parents who raised him. But it is impossible to love if you have not been loved. If you were raised but not loved. If you were dressed, but not loved. If you were treated with medications, but were not loved at that moment.
Imagine, here you are a sick child, you have a mother, you are sick, and she gives you medicine, but what you need from your mother at this moment is not medicine, but for her to sit with you and pat you on the head. As a result, she did not give the most important medicine.
Yes, of course, parents can count on children who were raised this way to respond to them with medicine, food or some kind of financial means. But there is nowhere to get the love that they now lack so much, if it did not exist before. The love between parents and children is special. You won’t get it “later.”
You can cultivate love for the people you meet on the street, thereby struggling with your shortcomings. Forcing yourself to new feats, forgiving insults, and so on. To love people who are not close to you or complete strangers.
But love between children and parents comes from too far away, from the womb, from early childhood. The consequences of early childhood deprivation and lack of love are the sources of all future conflicts in life, the collapse of destinies, misunderstanding of oneself, mental illness...
Let’s say the mother left the child at the age of three for some time, for six months with grandmothers or a nanny, and took care of herself - that’s all, this is a trauma for the child, and maybe he will never recover from it.
Or a terrible situation took place when, before the eyes of a small child, a family broke up and parents divorced. This trauma cannot but manifest itself later in the fate of this person. Many things missed by parents kill a child’s soul and leave an unhealed mark for life…. We need to talk about this, understand that the lack of love is the most important, terrifying problem of humanity. After her everything goes to hell.
– Still, how to overcome these childhood wounds?
– An adult must be able to understand what is happening to him, where and where his problems are coming from, and how to deal with it. It's not an easy matter. For this there is the science of psychology, and I think that in many cases the help of a good specialist is needed. I’m not talking about the Church: participation in church life is a matter of course...
Taxi drivers are talkative people. People often ask what I do. The answer “housewife” causes some to respectfully: “Oh! This is working in two shifts!”, while others have the exact opposite: “Ah! You don’t do anything.” The second reaction is typical for drivers from the Muslim world. They are not even afraid to seem impolite.
Later, I learned to state solidly and succinctly: “Translator.” Although I worked as a translator at most twice a week for two to three hours. And the rest of the time, without days off or lunch breaks, I was a housewife, the mother of two boys the same age at that time.
We are forced to have complexes. What kind of job is a mother? Unrespectable. Unprestigious. Not modern. We are taught to follow the example of such mothers who, a month after the birth of their child, are already back at work, in the fitness club, in their previous form. It’s as if nothing has changed since the birth of the child. And the admiration of friends and acquaintances: “Well, really, it’s as if I never gave birth!” The figure is the same, the interests are the same, the ability to work is the same.” Bravo, and that's all. Can you imagine this picture: Cinderella waited for the prince, but nothing in her life has changed: the same job, the same appearance, the same interests. This means that princes are still called upon to radically change our lives. What about children?
“I’ve completely fallen down: I’m sitting at home with my child,” the researcher justifies himself. Well, that's how to understand it. Some people go down, and some people go up.
One friend, well off with her husband, competed with him all the time, hurt by his success. “I don’t want to take my husband’s surname and depend on him. I want to achieve my own success, glorify my own name.”
In general, I come to the conclusion that this is a big inferiority complex. Well, why shout about your equality at every step? This is something I have never suffered from. Well, I don’t feel like I’m any worse than a man. Well, tell me, why is a hand inferior to a leg? Or is the ear inferior to the eye? Why do they need equality? They're just different. Equally necessary.
And if I make modest progress in the male field, is it really necessary to be sad about this? I would like to realize my potential in women's. Well, I like it, my field. And I always liked it. My boys feel this and say: “Oh, what a pity that only mothers can feed their babies.” What's it like? They see that pregnancy and nursing a child do not burden me, but on the contrary, I am full of mystery and seem to them to be a mysterious creature.
You can probably learn to play the piano with your feet. What for? You can hammer nails with a microscope, but are there enough hammers for this purpose? I consider my mother’s work to be one that requires special skills and qualifications, compared to which sorting through paperwork in a company is like hammering in nails, you don’t need much intelligence.
And here’s what the character in Chekhov’s story thinks about this:
“Men are frivolous at home, they live with their minds and not with their hearts, they don’t understand much, but a woman understands everything. Everything depends on her. Much has been given to her, and much will be demanded from her. Oh dear, if she had been stupider or weaker than a man in this regard, then God would not have entrusted her with raising boys and girls.”
God trusted, and did not hang her, did not punish her in this way, did not force her to do it, because she was not capable of the best.
The most important thing is women's happiness
Among my friends and acquaintances there are two poles. At one extreme is the mother of four children, the wife of a professor, who believes that if we are not talking about basic survival (we do not consider such cases), then it is a crime on the part of the mother to go to work and deprive the children of maternal care. The other pole is clear what it is, and there is a majority. “I don’t want to stand at the stove for ages, I want to realize myself, express myself, etc.” I am somewhere between the two poles, but I gravitate towards the first.
I am especially interested in the issue of self-realization. What do we mean by this? Obviously, self-realization for a violinist is music, for an astronaut - space, for a writer - literature. And so on. But some violinist wants a nosebleed! - be realized in medicine. And the writer will become famous as a sea captain. If a person is versatile, then he will find himself in various fields. But is it necessary to distort your nature?
Why should a woman be ashamed of wanting to realize herself as a mother?
I heard about a woman who successfully raised six children and did not give up her favorite mathematics. I shared my admiration with my mother. “What’s especially surprising here? I’ve always said: a talented person is talented in everything!”
In the third year of marriage, I called my favorite teacher, an unusually talented and eccentric woman. As a phonetics teacher, she could guess a lot from the voice.
“Wait,” she told me when I introduced myself, “don’t say anything. I’ll tell you everything myself now, and you can tell me whether I’m right or wrong. So that's it. First of all, you cut your hair. How did I know? It’s so elementary: you have the voice of a freshly cut woman! Secondly, she revealed herself as a person. If you had told me that you would call me someday, I would never have believed it. At the institute you were reserved, always to yourself. Married, has children. How many children? Two boys? So, we still need a girl. I never gave birth to a girl, and I regret it all my life. In short, I’ll tell you what: the most important thing is feminine. Everything else is nonsense, you can trust me.”
Of course, there are mothers who have no support, who... There are situations where the only way out is for mom to go to work. But much more often it is not about basic survival, not about the husband’s meager salary. And it’s all about the same thing – about self-realization. About running away from home to work so as not to go crazy. About not limiting your world to a house that smells of poop and formula.
One friend, who gave birth to her first and only child at the age of thirty-seven, told with a laugh how she ran to work early in the morning and only there she relaxed, combed her hair, calmly drank coffee and came to her senses.
Another admitted that when she sent her first child to a nursery, she didn’t even think about other options: she had to write a dissertation and make her way in life. With the second, it suddenly dawned on me: a child is not a toy. It cannot be “surrendered.” They need to be taken seriously. The professionalism of private nannies and employees of child care institutions is not a guarantee of the successful development of a child.
When I told the department that I was going on maternity leave, the head of the department said: “Oh, this is terrible... I mean, wonderful!” And she sadly raised her eyes to the ceiling. But everything settled down and they found a replacement for me. When I announced the second maternity leave, without leaving the first, she cheerfully said: “Well, well done! Now science has proven that a child cannot be surrendered to anyone until he is three years old. Mom’s kisses and hugs are all he needs for the first three years.”
I remember the withdrawal I had with my first child. Shock: I no longer belong to myself. The first calm cup of coffee and an article in a magazine a month after giving birth. The desire to live for oneself. Postpartum depression. I felt so sorry for myself, my beloved. With the second one everything was easier, more fun, without shock. Understanding began to come with the third baby.
I enjoyed every minute of communication with him, without any artistic exaggeration.
I recently read that scientists allegedly discovered a flow... I don’t like this word, but there’s no escape, a flow of energy, rays emanating from the mother’s eyes and penetrating directly into the child’s brain, and the brain immediately begins to develop intensively, and so on.
I don’t know if it’s possible to detect the rays of love flowing from my mother’s eyes with the help of instruments, but measure or measure, but my mother’s love flows through her gaze. And it has a powerful effect on the child’s soul, mind, heart, and psyche. You can limit this irradiation with love to short-term evening and morning sessions, and the rest of the time irradiate the child mentally at work. If time permits and the boss is not harmful. It’s like bringing a light-loving plant into the light periodically. No one deprives a plant of light! Well, this morning they shined a light on him. Well, in the evening too. What else does he need? Try to explain this to the plant. I hope it understands. And then compare this plant with another that always grows in the sun.
I like one short word in the arguments of women who strive to work unnecessarily, and even in spite of their husbands. Try to guess it.
Reason number one: To stay at home until I’m three years old would drive me crazy.
Reason number two– I need my own sources of income.
Reason number three- the work is interesting.
Reason number four– I want to realize myself not only as a mother and housewife.
“Sitting at home, I’m degrading as a person, it’s one continuous Groundhog Day.”
“I would go out, just not to see the family that absolutely made me cry.”
All of the above is united by the capacious word “I” and its derivatives. I want, I need, I have a need. The child's wishes and needs are not considered in principle.
The child lived with his mother for nine months, and suddenly he has to stay with strangers. An infant experiences separation from its mother as a catastrophe. For him there is no concept of time. He does not understand that separation is temporary, for him it is eternal. I also read somewhere that people who were not loved by their mother in early childhood and were not breastfed are more prone to have sex in adolescence. This is not because of special depravity, but because of the desire for tenderness, love, and security. I don’t know how well-founded this opinion is, but it seems to me that there is something in it.
By the way, it seems to me that mothers who have not realized their teaching potential in their time will most likely become overbearing mothers-in-law or annoying mothers-in-law. Now, with grandchildren, it finally comes to fruition. I want to know the joy of motherhood. Better late than never. “The first child is the last doll, the first grandchild is the first child.”
Here's another point of view from the same forum:
I really don’t understand the option when a mother goes to work and spends all the money she earns on a nanny.
I want to take care of my child for the entire prescribed period and then go to work, and not be forced to look for someone else’s aunt, who will have to replace me for most of the day and at the most important moments of my child’s life.
It’s just that now it’s fashionable to work and make a career, and it’s not fashionable to be with your child when he needs you most. My grandmother is 80 - she still works... I started working at 18, while studying full-time. Out of 62 years of work, in my opinion it is quite possible to allocate 3 per child... by the way, a mother is not the same as a housewife, for some reason everyone confuses this all the time.
I don’t take into account force majeure financial situations, that’s a different topic. But the option when there is no financial need, there is also no particular desire for self-realization, but a woman wants to “live beautifully” and she leaves a three-month-old child for this, it seems disgusting and disgusting to me.
Over the past three years, I’ve been so fed up with work that I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy. I slept four hours a day and ate whatever I had to, whenever I had to - now on maternity leave I at least look like a human being :-)
It is quite possible to realize yourself at home. True, everyone’s concept of self-realization is different.
This is a purely Russian stereotype - sitting at home means you are a stupid chicken, uninteresting to your husband and others.
I think that most are eager to go to work because they cannot do anything interesting to do at home. In the “baby” community, quite often it is from these mothers that questions like “What to do with a child?” come from.
Weak people always look for external causes of their problems.
Why should you sit at home if you don’t need to go to work? On the contrary, those who do not work have much more time for all kinds of entertainment. Or does personal development only happen when chatting with girlfriends?
But we remembered that there is more than one child:
Hmm, people around you, what do you suggest mothers of 2 or more children should do? Kill yourself against the wall? Kidding.
Judging by the comments, such mothers need to give up their careers or hang themselves from their aprons.
Lay the foundation of
Let's look at British statistics.
Here is the pattern that British sociologists have drawn: success in life, education, and professional careers of 1,263 representatives of the “group of the 70s” was directly dependent on whether their mothers worked in the early period of their childhood or not and how time was divided mothers between work and home.
The greatest success befell those whose mothers devoted themselves to their baby until the child was five years old, sacrificing their professional career for him during this time. It was these “mother’s” children who turned out to be more successful than other peers in their studies, in their future professional careers, and finally, they were simply more confident and happier in life. The dependence between the time spent by the mother within the walls of the house and the success of her child in school, as it turned out, is so great that any extra hour “won” by the child from his mother’s professional career added additional points to him in his subsequent achievements...
However, the researchers measured not only the children’s intellectual development and their ability to learn, but also their mental and emotional state. The dependence of the latter on the mother’s presence within the walls of the house has been quite eloquently proven here: among those whose mothers worked only a year and a half before their children turned five, various kinds of psychological problems arose less often in their adult lives - they were noted in 23 percent...
“The results of our study are clear,” says its leader, Professor John Ermisch, “if parents failed to devote sufficient time to their children in their preschool years, they thereby increased the risk of negative consequences for their offspring in the future.”
In other words, it is impossible to postpone laying the foundation for a successful future for your child until “later.” And if parents calculate their family’s strategy in such a way that they first get on their feet themselves, earning money, official positions, connections, etc., and at the same time postponing caring for a growing baby until better times, then they are thereby making a strategic mistake. For neither the subsequently “purchased” places in prestigious educational institutions, nor the provision of all conceivable benefits to the grown-up offspring will no longer fill or compensate for the moment of truth missed at an early age. The daily presence of the mother, hourly communication with the baby is as precious for his personal development as mother’s milk is precious for his physical development...
But if, first of all, this study appeals directly to parents, then not secondarily – to the state, the author of labor legislation and social policy. “Our study argues for policies that support parents' rights to long-term paid leave to care for and raise children,” the authors say. “By providing parents with these rights and opportunities, we are investing in the high potential of our tomorrow’s workforce”...
In one of the countries where such a policy is most consistently pursued, a married woman, as a rule, leaves her job. And she returns to service only when her primary duty to society, from the point of view of Japanese morality, has been fulfilled - when her children have gotten back on their feet, grown up and become stronger...
It is this morality and precisely this policy that works perfectly both for the benefit of the prosperous Japanese economy and for the benefit of the Japanese family.
Survival tactics at home
And yet, being a stay-at-home mom sometimes leaves an unpleasant imprint on women: memory and mental flexibility may deteriorate, self-esteem is low, the range of interests is narrowed, and depression may develop. Everyone’s situation is very different, and there is no panacea for these misfortunes, although you can try to derive general principles.
First. It is advisable to feel like a full-fledged member of the family from the very beginning of family life. It is good to realize your unworthiness before God, and not before your husband. Only the most highly organized men are able to value their wives higher than they value themselves.
Yes, the wife is an assistant to her husband, and her work is no less important and should be respected first of all to herself. When a woman is fine with her self-esteem, this is usually passed on to those around her. Not petty bargaining about who is better and more important, but a calm consciousness of one’s own strength and significance. Unfortunately, I know examples where a woman tacitly agrees that she is just an appendage of her husband, which can be painlessly removed if desired. I know situations where a woman is instilled with an inferiority complex. Financially dependent means a freeloader.
Having come to terms with such an assessment from her husband or mother-in-law, a woman may indeed recognize herself as a freeloader. By the age of fifty, this may get boring, but try, throw off the yoke that you voluntarily accepted thirty years ago. To avoid getting into such a situation, you must prevent it from the very beginning. Simple arithmetic comes to the rescue: the work of a cook, housekeeper and nanny is now very expensive. Analysts calculated that if you pay the average housewife for each position she performs at home (nanny, maid, accountant, etc.), then she should receive 47,280 rubles. per month.
By the way, a non-working mother has more time to master the complex art of planning a family budget. Sometimes she finds brilliant options, and saving means making money. In general, what is marriage? With harness. A husband and wife are driving a cart. Both themselves and the children. There is no time for arguing about who is in charge. Both are irreplaceable. The more smoothly they drive, the easier it goes.
Second. You must have some kind of passion, hobby. Reading, sports, embroidery, music, growing flowers, cats - whatever. This does not mean that you need to put a lot of effort and time into it. To nourish it, it is enough to do what you love, albeit a little, but regularly.
Third. Nowadays, there are unusually many opportunities; distances can be overcome with the help of the Internet. From my own experience, I know that participation in forums based on interests helps: there are forums for young and experienced mothers, literary communities, and various virtual clubs. It doesn’t matter if the mothers in the yard are not accepted into your company or their company is not interesting to you. You can always find a like-minded person, even virtually.
But I wouldn’t neglect live human communication either. Let your neighbor tell you once again about what you have heard for a long time. After all, she is a nice woman, and she can look after the child while you run to the market.
Fourth. Avoid the inferiority complex like fire. If there is an opportunity to master a computer, learn to write emails, drive a car, learn to swim, you should use this chance. No, you are not stupid or a coward. You are a smart, capable young woman. And me too. In this connection, I promise to go to driving courses, which, with my topographic cretinism, poor eyesight and weak reaction, I am deathly afraid of. Sorry, you didn't hear that. For better orientation on the terrain, the mechanic advised me to first ride a bicycle along the roads being developed. So I take my husband’s bike and start driving around the neighborhood. Join us!
Fifth. Regular relieving of the mother from the household routine and periodic release of her into the wild by a nanny, grandmother, friend and other person suitable for this purpose. Don’t rush to throw tomatoes at me for those who can’t afford it. This is also not available to me for most of my married life. We live far from our grandmothers, and the nannies bite. That is, prices for nannies. But even here you can find a way out. For example, mutual assistance between friends and children: you give me, I give you. Although I got burned by something like this once. “You to me” turned out to be incomparably easier than “I to you.” But we need to try again.
Sixth. Make it a rule to give yourself a little rest. For example, a friend of mine does not and never had money for a nanny, but she rested in her own way: she walked for forty-five minutes every day. Alone, without a restless child. In any weather. Otherwise I just fell apart. Despite the domestic order prevailing in the family, she forced her husband to respect this iron and strict rule. And I couldn’t think of anything better. The husband turned out to be an intelligent man, and he also saw the daily fruits of such mental relief and physical activity. His wife rewarded him with great patience and endurance in an unequal battle with everyday life and his son, the natural leader of the Redskins.
By the way, a Jewish joke. A mother with many children comes from the market and, locking herself in the kitchen, eats calmly and tastefully. Children burst into the kitchen, knock and ask: “Mom, what are you doing there?” Mom replies: “I’m making you a healthy mother!”
When I come across pathetic statements from young girls on forums that “a real mother cannot get tired of children, she must think only about them every minute, forget about herself,” I immediately calculate: eighteen years old, unmarried. And I think: “Uh, honey! Live with mine! I was like you too. And you'll probably be like me. If you can implement what you demand from us, I will be the first to applaud you.”
Seventh. There is no need to wait for favors from nature, or the salvation of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves. If you are romantic and expect your husband to act like the hero of a novel or TV series, you may wait until you are old and become disappointed in people. Take the initiative. You are tired, you urgently need to go to a concert or to the cinema, but your spouse does not notice this. You hint, but he doesn’t take the hint. In this case, do not wait resentfully for an invitation. Invite him yourself! Buy tickets, arrange with a friend to babysit the children, and relax. My husband will appreciate it. Verified.
Eighth. Try not to wait for an emergency, but to prevent it. Here it is accumulating, accumulating, accumulating... Don’t wait idly for it to break out. I understand: there is no money, no time, it’s somehow awkward to spend on yourself, there are more pressing needs... If you’re completely fed up, there are no more pressing needs than rest. We need to understand and come to terms with this.
One day, our elderly friend with a long family history found me on the verge of a breakdown. I complained that we absolutely couldn’t celebrate the wedding day, because... a nanny plus a road plus a cafe is very expensive. To which he replied: “A psychiatrist is more expensive.”
Mothers sitting within four walls have tactics for surviving at home. Everyone has their own.
When I, overwhelmed by depression about being confined to four walls all the time, complained to the priest, he uttered wonderful words: “Just don’t think that this is your cross. If the situation is absolutely unbearable, you need to think about how to change it.”
There was simply no money for many beneficial changes in the form of nannies and regular holidays with my husband, but I continued to search. Not in one, but in another, we must try to change the situation and make it acceptable.
When the children grew up, I got a job as a freelance translator. Then they began to provide written translations. Later the situation changed, we moved, there was no need for translators there. I found an unexpected solution: attending courses once a week. On Wednesday evening you dress up, socialize with like-minded people, meet interesting people, receive an assignment for the next class, and the whole week is filled with the thought: class is coming, you need to do your homework, propose a topic for discussion, read this, write that...
And now you’re peeling potatoes not like a slave, but with a song. You make sketches of children and are surprised by the new things that suddenly open up in them. And with inspiration you make a house with them out of a cornflakes box, and write an article “On the developmental properties of cardboard.” And the children ask: “Mom, why are you singing? Is it a holiday or something? And all this without taking time away from the children, without hiring nannies.
I don’t think that my higher education is wasted, that my home is rotting, and that my professional skills are becoming moldy. On the contrary, I try to transfer everything I have received in life into my children. I teach them everything I know myself. Here is the middle son whining that he is bored, and I am trying to tell him the secret of why I am rarely bored. “What could be more boring than washing dishes or peeling potatoes? But I try never to do a routine dry.
I either sing or make up a story in my head. Sometimes I even leave the computer and go wash the dishes on purpose: after the monotonous work, interesting thoughts come.” He also loves to write, I find his notebooks, notes, diaries and leaves everywhere. Either I’ll be pleased early in the morning with an opus on the topic “Trees in our lives,” or I’ll take out a piece of paper from my school trousers with the inscription: “In memory of George. Thanks George. You were a true friend." It turns out that they were burying an accidentally crushed ladybug. He composed a funeral eulogy. Then I stumble upon a top-secret diary with encrypted entries. I won’t hide it – I’m happy. I’ve already managed to lay down something. Now water, dig...
My eldest and I went to a concert. And suddenly I understand that we have already reached the moment when you take a break not from the child, but with him. In the second section, he poked me in the side. “It’s begun,” I thought doomedly. And my son asked: “Mom, will you buy more tickets?”
Met with former classmates. We haven't seen each other for eleven years. Many of our ladies have taken important positions and realized themselves in the most unexpected and interesting areas. There were two homebodies: me and Lena. We listened with interest to successful friends, admired photographs, outfits and cars. But I realized that there is a high price to pay for this: many of our girls live at an incredibly harsh pace, chronically do not get enough sleep, and see little of their children.
And I kept looking at Lena. She sat quietly. I only showed one photo. She has a wonderful family, a surprisingly unspoiled child. She said almost nothing about herself. I guessed why. So that no one is jealous.
One acquaintance shared: “My father was a prominent scientist, he achieved a lot, but he shared nothing, nothing at all with us, his sons. He didn't care about us at all. He came true. And we?"
Take a closer look at your little one. Here he is examining the pyramid with interest, blowing bubbles from his nose. Or artistically spreads jam on the table. Or beats his foot to the beat of the music. Maybe in front of you is the future Mendeleev, Rachmaninov, Stolypin. Would you mind? Notice? Can you help?
A city family with several children cannot do without helpers. Even if the mother does not work and is ready to sacrifice everything for the family.
“A good nanny can be 70 years old or 15. The main thing is that she, like us, believes: the more children, the better” - Konstantin, father of five children
Why help mom?
For some reason, this attitude towards an Orthodox mother has taken root: she gave birth herself, raise her herself. Surprisingly, mothers themselves often adhere to the same positions. An Orthodox mother, endlessly humbled, gives all of herself to her children. And he doesn’t expect outside help. But such help would not only come in handy, it is simply necessary. There is nothing wrong with a mother with many children or a working mother enlisting help around the house. Or he counts on an Orthodox nanny.But what should a good nanny be like? Young and cheerful or old, with life experience? And what do parents expect from a nanny - simple supervision, housework, diligence in education, teaching good manners, practical training in English?
Maria, mother of seven children (left her job after the birth of her fifth child):“We used the services of nannies before, but quickly came to the conclusion that the quality of the services provided did not correspond to the money that nannies were asking for. In the summer we invite an Orthodox nanny to our dacha. We can go to the city and leave all the children with her. Upon return, both the children and the entire household are normal. She helps with the children and with business. It’s a pity that you can only resort to her help in the summer. In winter she teaches at an Orthodox gymnasium. And the lack of a person who would help with the children every day or at least once a week is felt.”
Valentina, mother of six sons: “Sometimes you just give up. My fidgets require attention. And I'm torn between the desire to clean up the room and spend an hour with them. I need a nanny who would take the children for a walk a couple of times a week. That works out to four hours a week. It’s difficult to find such a person, because we pay little for these four hours. As a result, we have a woman whom we attract twice a week, when I need to be away on business.”
Konstantin, father of five children:“When my wife and I were still in college, we needed a nanny. The financial part of the issue was resolved this way: the nannies lived with us. One of them was from Ukraine (Odessa). They looked after the children in the morning while we were in class. Then, when my wife and I started working, a nanny was hired full-time. She read books to them, taught them handicrafts, and picked them up from kindergarten. Now my wife does not work, we need a nanny only when we are away on business. In such cases, we ask our previous nanny to babysit. This usually happens two to three times a month.”
Ekaterina, working mother of two children:“I need a nanny twice a week for ten hours a day. I don't need a nanny-teacher or a nanny-doctor. You just need to look after the children so that they don’t scald themselves, jump out of the window, or who knows what else. Just so as not to leave them alone. The ideal nanny seems to me like this: cheerful, young, not intrusive, dutiful, Orthodox.”
Anastasia, working mother of three children:“Older children cannot look after the younger ones to the required extent: in addition to common subjects, they also have choreography, flora, and modeling. Plus a music school and a swimming pool. A nanny appeared in our house a year after I gave birth to my first child. Grandmothers help with the children, but a nanny is still needed. Take the older ones to school, pick them up after school. In the meantime, the older ones are at school, you need to stay at home with the baby: take a walk, read a book, feed him. I hire a nanny three days a week for five to six hours. I used to think that the nanny should be young. But for young people, children are not even in the background: their heads are filled with either family problems or starting a family. My current nanny is seventy years old, and I’m not going to change her.”
Interestingly, none of the mothers surveyed expressed a desire for the nanny to be involved in raising the child. Orthodox parents reserve this responsible role for themselves, considering the nanny precisely as an assistant, an executor of the rules by which the family lives, and not as an “introducer” of new pedagogical methods.
We asked the person responsible for assistance to large families in the Commission for Church Social Activities under the Moscow Diocesan Council Priest Igor Fomin, do Orthodox mothers contact the commission with a request to find them a nanny. As it turned out, most often a nanny is needed in families with no more than three children. And only in the morning or evening. According to Fr. Igor, in Moscow there are 80 families with ten or more children, and not one of them turned to him: in such families, older children look after the younger ones.
The position “she gave birth herself” is an exclusively modern phenomenon. We have already lost the habit of large families, and before the revolution, no one could be surprised by five children. According to Tatyana Listova, a senior researcher at the Institute of Ethnology and Anthropology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, a specialist in the pre-revolutionary culture of motherhood, household help for large families has always been the norm. In the villages, even very poor people took girls eight to ten years old as nannies. The girls worked for “food or new clothes.” Grandmothers could stay with the children, and the older ones looked after the younger ones. In the city, nannies cost money. The poor took teenagers into their homes, who looked after the children for the sake of learning some craft.
It is interesting that today the idea of attracting young people and students to help large families has again become relevant. As reported by Fr. Igor Fomin, “in the subcommittee on work with large families, negotiations are underway with the leadership of one of the pedagogical universities about students undergoing official internship in large families. This would be equivalent to practice in school. Students will help children prepare homework and play with the kids. At this time, the mother will be able to go away on household chores (if the grandmother does not help, a mother with many children often does not even have the opportunity to go and fill out the necessary documents, pay for the apartment, etc.). Now we are working on a project for “alternative” student practice.”
“In some families, rich and successful, the nanny is treated like a thing. Having to work in such a family is my nightmare,” - Tatiana, Orthodox nanny
Where can I find a nanny?
Unfortunately, the Orthodox service, which would help large families with housework or select nannies, is still only a project. Every mother gets out as best she can, usually looking for a nanny through friends. The most popular way to find nannies is still in parishes: you can post an ad, or you can leave information behind a candle box. A unique recruitment agency was discovered in one of the Moscow churches. At first, the candle maker gave us the coordinates of a certain “woman who does all this.” She, in turn, gave Lyuba’s phone number, who helps mothers in the parish who need nannies and nannies looking for work. And Lyuba already introduced us to nanny Marina.Searches for Orthodox nannies in parishes turn out to be quite effective. In contrast to searches through agencies specializing in the selection of baby sitters, where, moreover, the prices are much higher. The very first agency promised to find an Orthodox nanny with alarming ease: “They are all Orthodox.” And after clarification: “this must be a person who regularly attends church,” they became confused. You often hear complaints from parents who have used the services of one company or another. For example, agencies may withhold important information regarding the mental adequacy, characteristics, or simply pedagogical incompetence of a potential nanny.
Many mothers recommend looking for nannies online. This is a cheap, fast and effective way. Anna, mother of three children:“I always look for nannies on the Internet and am very pleased with the result. This is very convenient for busy people. You schedule an interview with the nanny and at the same time continue to work, call someone, solve your problems.”
Nanny exam
In conversations with mothers, it turned out that for Orthodox families it is desirable, but not at all necessary, for the nanny to be Orthodox. It is much more important that she loves children and easily finds a common language with them. Among the negative qualities of nanny candidates are often called optionality, intractability, and self-government. One completely Orthodox nanny, when asked by her mother whether she could come at such and such a time, answered: “Everything is God’s will.” Another, without asking or even warning her parents, left with her children on a multi-hour pilgrimage instead of a walk. So, if in front of you is a modest woman in a headscarf and a floor-length skirt, do not rush to rejoice.Catherine:“All of our nannies were Orthodox, but this was not the main selection criterion for me. They just turned out to be people who suited our personality.” Maxim, father of five children:“I think it’s even more convenient if the nanny is non-Orthodox. After all, she can work on church holidays. For Easter, for example.” Konstantin:“Sometimes a nanny comes and it’s clear that she judges us for having so many children. Therefore, it is important that the nanny and I have the same approach to education. It’s good, of course, if she is also Orthodox.”
However, some nannies in their job advertisements emphasize the fact that they are Orthodox. And they are not necessarily trying so hard to attract believing employers. Nanny Tatyana:“I feel calmer this way - I know that everyone has been warned. I can take time off from work for the twelve holidays. It’s even better for non-church parents if I work during public holidays, and they can go somewhere to relax. And then, many people are annoyed when the nanny crosses herself before eating. And if you tell a child about Christ, they will become absolutely furious. Why put a person into temptation in vain?”
Unfortunately, none of the search methods (neither through friends, nor on the Internet, nor even through parishes) guarantees that you will find an honest nanny who will treat your child well. People who are clearly “weird” can be identified from the very first conversation. But other shortcomings of the nanny are much more difficult to identify. Based on the experience of our interlocutors, we can advise you to take a photocopy of the candidate’s nanny’s passport, address, phone number (home and mobile), and e-mail. Inquire about your health and family well-being, call those who gave letters of recommendation. You can ask for a letter from your confessor. Much attention should be paid to whether the nanny arrived on time for the interview. Be wary if the nanny starts scolding her previous employers right away. Most likely, you will also find yourself in the shoes of these poor people.
Maksim advises setting up the first meeting at the nanny's home. Moreover, plan it in such a way that she does not have time to specially prepare for your visit: you will immediately notice the unsettled situation in the family. Nina, a victim of a kleptomaniac nanny, who took jewelry and small coins from the house, suggests placing banknotes in a visible place before the nanny arrives for an interview.
Katya Solovyova, suspecting something was wrong in the nanny’s behavior, she disguised the video camera among the toys on the baby’s closet. The camera recorded how the nanny hit Katya’s five-year-old son in the face. Now, when assigning a week-long trial period to another nanny, Katya not only disguises the camera, but also sets up a tape recorder to record: “To some, this may seem like reinsurance. Before I saw my son being beaten, I thought that Orthodox Christians should believe each other. Don't be afraid to check in with your nanny. A normal person will treat any checks with understanding: after all, they trust him with the most valuable things.”
According to many parents, a good nanny is a real gift from God that can be prayed for and taken care of. Because in the work of a nanny, the most important thing is love - for children, family, people. Love is quiet and modest, “not seeking its own.”
Anastasia, mother of three children:“When two of my children fell ill, and I myself along with them, our nanny took in a healthy child so that he would not become infected. For five days she fed him, read books, and took him to the museum. And at the end of the month, receiving a salary (two dollars per hour), she refused to take money for these five days - her action was dictated by her love for the kids and was not calculated in money.”