At a time when I was passionately and with interest studying the mechanisms of my codependency, at the same time I was “struggling” with the trauma of rejection. It didn’t occur to me then that these were two sister-friends who were almost always together. The feeling of rejection overtook me in a variety of life manifestations.
*Rejection-non-recognition, denial, as a result of non-acceptance by SOCIETY*
I found recognition as the opposite of rejection. When I discovered and admitted my need for recognition, little by little the puzzles in my head began to come together.
Awareness appears when two poles are realized.
The world consists of opposites that cannot be considered separately from each other. Together, opposites make up 100%; if they are represented as a continuum, then each takes up 50%. Stability is in the middle between them and takes up roughly 10-15% (individually). Being in this zone, we ride on the “small swing” of comfort. If some polarity in manifestation approaches the maximum possibility (approaching 100%), we ride on “big swing” (I love it, I hate it). The closer one polarity is to the maximum, the more unstable the position is, the faster the “big swing” will begin to move in the other direction.
Between polar extremes we find our stable balance.
Zone of comfort, stability,
balance
50%____________________________5%___ 0 ____5%__________________________50%
In nature, opposite, complementary principles always operate (inhalation-exhalation, dawn-sunset, attraction-repulsion, etc.). Without exhalation there is no inhalation, just as without inhalation there is no exhalation. Similar complementary principles can be found in economics, emotions, relationships, the body, and nature. Each state finds its beginning in the previous opposite; we leave one state, replacing it with the opposite.
Along with the folding puzzles in my head, I managed to notice the recognition that I received, but my reception area was so small that I accepted very little recognition, and perceived most of it as mockery and “indirect” rejection. An approximate scheme is this: if in experience the trauma of rejection is large, for example, 90% of 100%, and the ability to accept confessions is only the remaining 10%, then it turns out that... out of all the confessions I take only my possible 10%, the rest is accepted with the opposite sign, 90% are saturated (I am rejected through a “false” confession!!!)
And here the question arises - how to expand your zone of acceptance of recognition to equilibrium with rejection of 50%, equally equal to each polarity..
I learned to expand the zone of receiving recognition: I learned to recognize my own needs for recognition, I learned to understand from whom and in what expression I need recognition, I learned to notice when they give it to me, but.. the zone of reception expanded slowly and narrowed very quickly, my impossibility was revealed , inability to appropriate what is given.
By analogy with food that is not digestible without enzymes, you need to find, revive, and activate your enzymes, your mechanism of assimilation - appropriation.
Was there a polar pair of appropriation and rejection...? In my head, rejection and rejection sounded like synonyms, meaning the same thing.
*Rejection is the inability to assimilate or accept. Thus, the body may reject an organ transplant or food... In all cases, the implication is that the system or structure refuses or fails to incorporate something . *
In my understanding: rejection and recognition are what I can receive from others, and rejection is the property of my body NOT to assimilate... it turns out that I was in a trauma called rejection-rejection? With an exaggerated need for recognition and the inability to appropriate what is needed, when is it given?
Rejection (taking away, deleting) what is necessary for me, as opposed to appropriating (assimilation) what is necessary for me... a good dead end, the brain tried with the pattern.
Rejecting what you don’t need and appropriating for yourself what you need is understanding your own balance.
When studying yourself, you understand how much and what kind of recognition you need, from whom... you can sincerely respond and sincerely appropriate the recognition of others without rejecting (someone) and without rejecting (your part) the significance for yourself...
And you know for sure that you may not be accepted and rejected, but this does not bring pain - because you are already in the comfort zone.
If you accept yourself, you appropriate what is yours - acceptance by others is not more important than this (no more than 50%). And non-acceptance certainly does not traumatize, it harmonizes and restores stability (so that recognition does not make you sick and it does not depreciate).
If you recognize yourself in the description of a person who feels rejected, it means that you have experienced the same feeling towards a parent of the same sex. It is this parent who first opens the existing wound. And then rejection and dislike towards this parent, even to the point of hatred, become completely normal and human.
The role of a same-sex parent is to teach us to love—to love ourselves and to give love. A parent of the opposite sex must teach them to allow themselves to be loved and to accept love.
Without accepting the parent, we just as naturally decide not to use him as a model. If you see that this is your trauma, then know that it is this rejection that explains your difficulties: being of the same sex with an unloved parent, you cannot accept yourself and love yourself.
Fugitive does not believe in his own worth, he does not value himself at all. And for this reason, he uses all means to become perfect and gain value both in his own eyes and in the eyes of others. The word “NOBODY” is a favorite in his dictionary, and he applies it to himself and others with equal success:
"My boss said I was nobody, so I had to leave".
“When it comes to economic matters, my mother is a nobody”.
“My father is simply a nobody in a relationship with my mother. My husband turned out to be the same; I don’t blame him for leaving me.”.
In Quebec they prefer the word "NOTHING":
"I know that I am nothing, others are more interesting than me".
“No matter what I do, it doesn’t work; I still have to start over every time.”.
"I'm okay, okay... do as you want".
One male fugitive admitted at the seminar that he felt worthless and a slacker in front of his father. “When he talks to me, I’m crushed. If I’m able to think, it’s only about how to escape from him; where do all my arguments and self-control go. His mere presence depresses me.”. A runaway woman told me how, at the age of sixteen, she decided that from now on her mother was for her nothing after the mother stated that it would be better for her not to have such a daughter, it would be better for her to disappear, even if she died. Avoiding suffering, the daughter has since completely distanced herself from her mother.
It is interesting to note that it is predominantly the parent of the same sex who encourages the flight of a child who feels rejected. Most often, in stories about children leaving home, I hear a phrase from a parent: "Are you leaving? Very good, it will become freer here". The child, of course, feels his rejection even more painfully and becomes even more angry with the parent. This type of situation easily arises with a parent who is themselves suffering from the same trauma. He encourages withdrawal because the remedy is familiar to him, even if he doesn't realize it.
Prominent place in the dictionary fugitive The words “does not exist” and “non-existent” are also occupied. For example, to the questions: "How are you with sex" or “What is your relationship with such and such a person?” he replies: "Their does not exist", whereas most people will simply answer that things are not going well or that the relationship is not working out.
Fugitive also loves words disappear, vanish. He can say: "My father treats mother like a prostitute... I would like to disappear" or "I wish my parents were gone!"
Fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. Both in the family and in any group of people, he is suppressed. He believes that he must endure the most unpleasant situations to the end, as if he has no right to fight back; in any case, he sees no options for salvation. Here's an example: a girl asks her mother to help her with her homework and hears in response: “Go to dad. Can’t you see that I’m busy and he has nothing to do?” The first reaction of a rejected child will be to think: “Well, again I wasn’t polite enough, and that’s why mom refused to help me.”, and then the girl will go look for a quiet corner where she can hide from everyone.
U fugitive Usually there are very few friends at school, and subsequently at work. He is considered withdrawn and left alone. The more he isolates himself, the more invisible he seems. He finds himself in a vicious circle: feeling rejected, he puts on a mask fugitive so as not to suffer; he fades so much that others stop noticing him; he becomes increasingly lonely, which gives him even more reason to feel rejected.
And now I will describe to you a situation that was repeated many times at the very end of my seminars, at the moment when everyone tells how the seminar helped him. It was with great surprise that I discovered the presence of a personality I had not noticed during the two-day seminar! I ask myself: "But Where has she been hiding all this time? Then I see that she has a body fugitive that she arranged herself so as not to speak or ask questions during the entire seminar, and that she sat behind the others the entire time, trying not to be visible. When I tell such participants that they are too shy, they almost invariably respond that they have nothing interesting to say, which is why they didn’t say anything.
Really, fugitive usually says little. Sometimes he can talk, and talks a lot - he is trying to assert his importance; in this case, those around him perceive pride in his statements.
U fugitive A SKIN PROBLEM often develops - so that it is not touched. Skin is a contact organ; its appearance can attract or repel another person. Skin disease is an unconscious way of protecting yourself from being touched, especially in those places that are associated with the problem. I have heard more than once from fugitives: “When they touch me, it feels like I’m being pulled out of my cocoon.”. The wound of the rejected one aches and makes him eventually believe that if he goes into his own world, he will not suffer anymore, since he himself will not reject himself and others will not be able to reject him. Therefore, he often avoids participating in group work and hangs out. He hides in his cocoon.
Therefore fugitive easily and willingly goes on astral travel: unfortunately, these journeys are more often made unconsciously. He may even think that this is a common occurrence and that others happen there as often as he does. In thoughts and ideas fugitive constantly scattered; Sometimes you can hear him say: "I need to get myself together"– it seems to him that he consists of separate pieces. This impression is especially typical for those whose body resembles a structure made of disparate parts. More than once I have heard from fugitives: "I feel like I'm cut off from other people. Like I'm not here.". Some have told me that they sometimes clearly feel their body being split in half - as if an invisible thread is cutting it at the waist. One of my friends had this thread dividing her body at chest level. As a result of using the detachment technique that I teach in one of my seminars, she felt that the upper and lower parts of her body were connected and was very surprised by the new sensation. It helped her realize that she hadn't truly been in her body since she was a child. She never knew what it meant to be earthbound.
At seminars I notice fugitives, mainly women who like to sit on a chair with their legs crossed under them; it seems that they would be more comfortable sitting on the ground. But, since they hardly touch the ground, it is not difficult for them sneak away. But they pay money to attend our classes, and this fact confirms their intention - or at least the desire of some part of them - be here, although it is very difficult for them to concentrate, to “collect themselves”. So I tell them that they have a choice - to go to the astral plane and miss what is happening here, or to remain anchored in their place and be present in the present.
As I said above, fugitive does not feel either acceptance or goodwill from a parent of the same sex. This does not necessarily mean that the parent is rejecting him. It is his, fugitive, personal feeling. This same soul could come to Earth in order to overcome the trauma of humiliation, and incarnate with these same parents with exactly the same attitude towards their child. On the other hand, it goes without saying that fugitive tends to experience the experience of being rejected more than any other person - say, a brother or sister - who does not have this trauma.
A person experiencing the suffering of a rejected person constantly seeks the love of a parent of the same sex; he may also transfer his search to other persons of the same sex. He will consider himself an incomplete being until he wins the love of his parent. He is very sensitive to the slightest comments from this parent and is always ready to decide that he is rejecting him. Bitterness and embitterment gradually develop in him, often turning into hatred - so great is his suffering. Don't forget that it takes a lot of love to hate. Hatred is strong but disappointed love. The wound of the rejected is so deep that of all five characters fugitive most prone to hatred. He easily passes the stage of great love in order to surrender to great hatred. This is an indicator of severe internal suffering.
As for the parent of the opposite sex, then fugitive he himself is afraid of rejecting him and restrains himself in every possible way in his actions and statements towards him. Because of his injury, he cannot be himself. He resorts to various tricks and precautions to avoid rejecting this parent - he does not want to be accused of rejecting anyone himself. On the other hand, he wants a parent of the same sex to curry favor with him - this allows him to not feel his rejection so acutely. He does not want to see that his suffering as a rejected person is caused by an internal, unresolved trauma, and the parent has nothing to do with it. If fugitive experiences the experience of being rejected by a parent (or other person) of the opposite sex, he blames himself for this and rejects himself.
If you see the trauma of being rejected in yourself, then for you, even if your parent really rejects you, it is very important to understand and accept the following thought: “it is because your trauma is not healed that you attract a certain type of situation and a certain parent.” As long as you believe that all your misfortunes are the fault of other people, your trauma cannot be healed. As a consequence of your reaction to your own parents, you will very easily feel rejected by others of the same sex, and you will always be afraid of rejecting someone of the opposite sex yourself.
The deeper the trauma of the rejected person, the more strongly he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he finds himself rejected or rejects himself.
The more fugitive rejects himself, the greater his fear of being rejected. He constantly humiliates and underestimates himself. He often compares himself with those who are stronger than him in some way, and thus develops a belief in his own second-classness. He does not notice that in some areas he may be superior to other people. He will never believe that someone would like to make friends with him, that someone sees him as a spouse, that they can truly love him. One mother told me about her children: they tell her they love her, but she doesn't understand for what they love her!
Everything turns out so that fugitive constantly lives in an uncertain state: if he is elected, he does not believe in it and rejects himself - sometimes to such an extent that, in fact, he provokes the situation; if he is not elected, then he feels rejected by others. One young man from a large family told me that his father never entrusted him with anything, from which the child made a categorical conclusion that all other children were better than him. And it’s not surprising that now the father always chooses one of them. A vicious circle has formed.
Fugitive often says (or thinks) that all his deeds and thoughts are worthless. When attention is paid to him, he gets lost, it begins to seem to him that he takes up too much space. If he takes up a lot of space, he thinks that he is disturbing someone, which means he will be rejected by those whom he disturbs. Even in the womb fugitive Doesn't take up extra space. He is doomed to languish until his injury is healed.
When he is talking and someone interrupts him, he instantly takes this as evidence that he is not worth listening to and habitually falls silent. A person who is not burdened by the trauma of the rejected person, in this case, also concludes that his statement turned out to be uninteresting - but not he himself! to the fugitive it is equally difficult to express his opinion when he is not asked: he feels that his interlocutors will see this as confrontation and reject him.
If he has a question or request for someone, but this person is busy, then he will not say anything. He knows what he wants, but he does not dare to ask for it, believing that it is not important enough to bother others.
Many women say that even in adolescence they stopped trusting their mother for fear of not being understood. They believe that to be understood is to be loved. Meanwhile, one has nothing in common with the other. Loving means accepting another, even if you don’t understand him. Because of this belief, they become evasive in conversation. And it turns out that they are always trying to get away from the subject of discussion, but are afraid to start something else. Of course, they behave this way not only with their mother, but also with other women. If fugitive- a man, then his relationships with his father and other men are exactly the same.
Another distinctive feature fugitive is the desire for perfection in everything he does: he believes that if he makes a mistake, he will be condemned, and being condemned for him is the same as being rejected. Since he does not believe in his own perfection, he tries to compensate for this by the perfection of what he does. Unfortunately, he confuses “to be” and “to do.” His search for perfection can reach the point of obsession. He wants everything so passionately do It is clear that any work takes him an unreasonably long time. And ultimately, this is why he is rejected.
Reaching its limit, fear fugitive goes into panic. At the mere thought of the possibility of panic, the first thing he does is look for somewhere to hide, run away, disappear. He would prefer to disappear because he knows that in a state of panic he will not move at all. He believes that by hiding somewhere, he will avoid trouble. He is so convinced of his inability to cope with panic that he ends up giving in to it very easily, even when there is no reason for it. The desire to hide, to disappear is deeply characteristic fugitives; I have more than once encountered cases of regression to the embryonic state. Such people said that they wanted to hide in their mother's belly - another evidence of how early this begins.
Attracting to himself, like a magnet, people and situations he fears, fugitive in the same way provokes circumstances in which he panics. His fear, naturally, further dramatizes what is happening. He always finds any explanation for his flight or evasion.
Fugitive panics especially easily and freezes with fear in the presence of a parent or other people of the same sex (especially if they in any way resemble this parent). He does not experience this fear with his parent and with other people of the opposite sex; it is much easier for him to communicate with them. I also noticed that in the dictionary fugitive The word "panic" comes up quite often. He might say, for example: "I feel panicky at the thought of quitting smoking". Usually a person will simply say that it is difficult for him to quit smoking.
Is our ego does everything he can to keep us from noticing our injuries. Why? Because we ourselves gave him this mandate. Unconsciously. We are so afraid of reliving the pain associated with each trauma that we use every means possible to avoid admitting to ourselves that we are experiencing the suffering of a rejected being because we are rejecting ourselves. And those who reject us came into our lives to show us how much we reject ourselves.
Fear of your own panic in many situations leads fugitive to the point that he loses his memory. He may even think that he has a memory problem, but in fact he has a fear problem. During course seminars "Become a mass entertainer" I have seen this picture more than once: one of the participants, fugitive, must speak in front of others and tell something or hold a mini-conference; but even when he is well prepared and knows his material, fear at the last minute builds up to such a level that everything flies out of the speaker’s head. Sometimes he simply leaves his body, and it freezes in front of us, as if paralyzed - like a sleepwalker. Fortunately, this problem is gradually resolved as he overcomes his rejection trauma.
It's interesting to see how our traumas affect our relationship with food. A person nourishes his physical body in the same way as his mental and emotional body. Fugitive prefers small portions; he often loses his appetite when he experiences bouts of fear or other strong emotions. Of all the listed types fugitive most prone to anorexia: he almost completely refuses to eat because he seems too big and plump, although in reality the opposite is true. Weight loss below normal and exhaustion is his attempt to disappear. Sometimes appetite wins, and then fugitive with greedily attacks food - this is also an attempt to disappear, to dissolve in food. However, this method fugitives rarely used; More often they are attracted to alcoholic drinks or drugs.
Runaways have a weakness for sweets, especially when they are overcome by strong fear. Since fear robs a person of energy, it is natural to assume that introducing sugar into the body can replenish the loss. Indeed, sugar gives energy, but, unfortunately, not for long, so you have to replenish it in this way too often.
Our traumas prevent us from being ourselves; Because of this, blocks arise in the body and, as a result, diseases. Each character type has its own special ailments and diseases, determined by its internal mental structure.
Here are some typical ones: fugitive illnesses and ailments.
He often suffers from DIARRHEA - he rejects, throws away food before the body has time to absorb the nutritional elements, just as he rejects a situation that could be beneficial for him.
Many suffer from ARRHYTHMIA - irregular heart rhythm. When the heart begins to beat like mad, they have the feeling that it wants to break out of the chest, fly away; this is another form of wanting to avoid a painful situation.
I have said before that the wound of a rejected person is so painful that fugitive It is quite logical that hatred develops towards a parent of the same sex, whom he, while still a child, condemned for the suffering caused to him. Forgive yourself, however, for hating your parent fugitive cannot and prefers not to think and not know about the existence of this hatred. Without giving himself the right to hate a parent of the same sex, he can lead himself to CANCER: this disease is associated with bitterness, anger, hatred - with mental pain experienced alone. If a person manages to come to the recognition that he hated or hates a parent, there will be no cancer. He may develop an acute illness if he continues to harbor plans hostile to this parent, but it will not be cancer. Cancer most often manifests itself in someone who has suffered a lot, but only blames himself for it. It is really difficult to agree that you hate your father or mother, because it means admitting that you are evil and heartless; it also means admitting that you are rejecting the parent whom you yourself accused of rejecting you.
Fugitive does not give himself the right to be a child. He forces maturation, believing that this way he will suffer less from his injury. For this reason, his body (or some part of it) resembles the body of a child. Cancer indicates that he did not give the child in himself the right to suffer. He did not accept what is humanly fair - to hate a parent whom you consider to be the culprit of your suffering.
Among other diseases characteristic of fugitive, we also see disturbances in RESPIRATORY FUNCTIONS, especially during panic.
Fugitive susceptible to ALLERGIES - this is a reflection of the rejection that he has experienced or is experiencing in relation to certain foods or substances.
He may also choose VOMITING as an indicator of his disgust towards a certain person or situation. I have even heard such statements from teenagers: “I I want to throw up my mother (or father)." Fugitive often wants to “throw up” a situation or a hated person and can express his feeling with the words: "This is a sickening man" or "Your conversations make me sick". All of these are ways to express your desire for someone or to reject something.
Dizziness or fainting are also suitable remedies if you really want to avoid a situation or person.
In serious cases fugitive is saved by COMA.
Fugitive A person suffering from AGORAPHOBIA uses this disorder when he wants to avoid certain situations and people that can cause him to panic (more about this behavioral disorder will be discussed in Chapter 3).
If fugitive Abuses sugar, it can provoke pancreatic diseases such as HYPOGLYCEMIA or DIABETES.
If he has accumulated too much hatred towards the parent as a result of the suffering he has experienced and is experiencing as a rejected being, and if he has reached his emotional and mental limit, then he may develop a DEPRESSIVE or MANIAC-DEPRESSIVE state. If he is planning suicide, he does not talk about it, and when he proceeds to action, he provides everything so as not to fail. Those who often talk about suicide and usually make mistakes when they take action belong rather to the category of the abandoned; they will be discussed in the next chapter.
To the fugitive with childhood, it is difficult to recognize himself as a full-fledged human being, so he strives be like the hero or heroine he adores, he is ready to get lost, to dissolve in his idol - for example, a young girl passionately wants to be Marilyn Monroe; this lasts until she decides to be someone else. The danger of such deviation in behavior is that over time it can turn into PSYCHOSIS.
The illnesses and ailments listed above are also possible in people with other types of trauma, but are still most common in those who feel rejected.
If you find yourself with rejection trauma, then it is more than likely that your same-sex parent also feels rejected by their same-sex parent; Moreover, there is a very high probability that he feels rejected by you too. This may not be realized by either party, yet it is true and has been confirmed by thousands of human fugitives.
Remember: the main reason for the existence of any trauma is the inability to forgive yourself for the wound inflicted on yourself or other people. Forgiving ourselves is very difficult because, as a rule, we do not even know that we are judging ourselves. The deeper your rejection wound, the more unmistakably it indicates that you are rejecting yourself - or rejecting other people, situations and projects.
We blame others for what we do not want to see in ourselves..
This is why we attract those people who show us how we behave with others or with ourselves.
Another means of realizing that we are rejecting ourselves or rejecting another person is shame. Indeed, we experience shame when we want to hide or hide our behavior. It is normal to find shameful behavior in which we reproach others. We really don't want them to discover that we behave in the same way.
Remember: all of the above is experienced only if the suffering rejected person decides to wear the mask of a fugitive, believing that thereby he will avoid suffering proportionate to the depth of the trauma. He wears this mask in some cases for several minutes a week, in others almost constantly.
Behavior characteristic of fugitive, is dictated by the fear of repeating the suffering of the rejected one. But it may also be that you recognize yourself in some of the behavioral characteristics described above, but not in all. A complete match of all characteristics is almost impossible. Each trauma has its own forms of behavior and internal states. The way a person thinks, feels, speaks and acts (in accordance with his traumas) determines his reaction to everything that happens in life. A person in a state of reaction cannot be balanced, cannot be concentrated in his heart, cannot experience well-being and happiness. That's why it's so important to recognize when you're reacting and when you're being yourself. If you succeed, then you have the opportunity to become the master of your life, and not let fears control it.
My goal in this chapter was to help you understand the trauma of being rejected. If you recognize yourself in a mask fugitive, then in the last chapter you will find complete information on how to heal from this trauma, how to become yourself again and not suffer from the feeling that everyone is rejecting you. If you do not find this trauma in yourself, then I advise you to turn to those who know you well for confirmation; this will eliminate the error. As I already said, the trauma of the rejected person may not be deep, and then you will only have certain characteristic traits fugitive. Let me remind you that you should trust first of all the physical description, because the physical body never lies, in contrast to its owner, who is quite capable of deceiving himself.
If you detect this trauma in someone around you, you should not try to change him. Instead, use everything you learn in this book to develop more compassion for other people so you can better understand the nature of their reactive behavior. And it is better to let them read this book themselves if they become interested in the problem, than to try to retell its contents to them.
Characteristics of Rejected Trauma:
Awakening Trauma: from the moment of conception to one year; with same-sex parent. Doesn't feel the right to exist.
Mask: fugitive.
Parent: same sex.
Body: compressed, narrow, fragile, fragmented.
Eyes: small, with an expression of fear; impression of a mask around the eyes.
Dictionary: “nothing”, “nobody”, “does not exist”, “disappear”, “I’m sick of...”.
Character: Detachment from the material. The pursuit of excellence. Intelligence. Transitions through stages of great love to periods of deep hatred. Doesn't believe in his right to exist.
Sexual difficulties. He considers himself useless and insignificant. Seeks solitude. It's stewing. Able to be invisible. Finds various ways to escape. Easily travels to the astral plane. He believes that he is not understood. He cannot allow his inner child to live in peace.
Most afraid: panic.
Nutrition: Appetite often disappears due to an influx of emotions or fear. Eats in small portions. Sugar, alcohol and drugs as escape methods. Predisposition to anorexia.
Typical diseases: Skin, diarrhea, arrhythmia, respiratory dysfunction, allergies, vomiting, fainting, coma, hypoglycemia, diabetes, depression, suicidal tendencies, psychosis.
Fugitive diseases:
Among other diseases characteristic of a fugitive, we also see disorders respiratory functions, especially during times of panic.
The fugitive is susceptible allergies- this is a reflection of the rejection that he has experienced or is experiencing in relation to certain foods or substances.
He can choose vomiting as an indicator of his disgust towards a certain person or situation. I have even heard such statements from teenagers: “I want to throw up my mother (or father).” The fugitive often wants to “sick up” a situation or a hated person and may express his feeling by saying: “This is a sickening person” or “Your talk makes me sick.” All of these are ways to express your desire for someone or something to reject.
Dizziness or fainting- also suitable means if you really want to avoid a situation or person.
In serious cases, the fugitive is saved coma.
Fugitive, suffering agoraphobia, uses this disorder when he wants to avoid certain situations and people that can cause him to panic (more about this behavioral disorder will be discussed in Chapter 3).
If a fugitive abuses sugar, it can cause pancreatic diseases such as hypoglycemia or diabetes.
If he has accumulated too much hatred towards the parent as a result of the suffering he has experienced and is experiencing as a rejected being, and if he has reached his emotional and mental limit, then he may develop depressive or manic-depressive state. If he is planning suicide, he does not talk about it, and when he proceeds to action, he provides everything so as not to fail. Those who often talk about suicide and usually make mistakes when they take action belong rather to the category of the abandoned; they will be discussed in the next chapter.
Since childhood, it is difficult for a fugitive to recognize himself as a full-fledged human being, so he strives to be like the hero or heroine he adores, he is ready to get lost, to dissolve in his idol - for example, a young girl passionately desires to be Marilyn Monroe; this lasts until she decides to be someone else.
The danger of such deviation in behavior is that over time it can turn into psychosis.
Schizoid character structure.
Description
The term "schizoid" comes from "schizophrenia" and means a person who has a predisposition to a schizophrenic state. This includes the splitting of the personality as a single whole, for example, thinking is separated from feelings. What a person thinks seems to have little apparent connection with what he feels or how he behaves; withdrawal, rupture or loss of contact with the world or with external reality. A schizoid individual is not a schizophrenic and may never become one, but a predisposition to this disease is present in his personality, usually well compensated.
The term "schizoid" describes a person whose sense of self is diminished, whose ego is weak, and whose contact with the body and with the feelings is greatly weakened.
Bioenergy conditions
Energy is removed from the peripheral structures of the body, namely from those parts through which the body is in contact with the outside world: the face, hands, genitals and legs. They are not fully energetically connected to the center, that is, excitation from the center does not flow freely to them, but is blocked by chronic muscle tension at the base of the head, shoulders, pelvis and hip joints. Therefore, the functions performed by them are separated from the feelings in the human heart.
The internal charge tends to “freeze” in the center area. As a result, a weak impulse is formed. However, the charge is explosive (due to its pressure) and can erupt in the form of violence or murder. This happens when defenses can no longer hold back and the body is filled with a huge amount of energy that it cannot cope with. The personality is divided into many parts, resulting in a schizophrenic state.
The defense consists of a pattern of muscle tension that together continuously holds the personality, preventing the peripheral structures from being filled with feelings and energy. Muscular tensions, such as those described above, are responsible for cutting off the peripheral organs from contact with the center.
Defense is therefore problematic. In the waist area there is an energetic splitting of the body, and as a result of this - disintegration of the integrity of the upper and lower halves of the body. Bioenergy analysis is shown in the diagram.
Physical aspects
In most cases, patients with such signs have a narrow and tight body. Where paranoid elements are present in the personality, the body is fuller and more athletic in appearance.
The main areas of tension are at the base of the skull, in the joints of the shoulders, legs, pelvis and in the diaphragm. The latter is usually so powerful that it splits the body into two parts. The main compression is concentrated in the small muscles that surround the joints. Therefore, in this type of character one can observe either extreme rigidity or hyperflexibility of the joints.
The face is mask-like. The eyes, although not empty, as in schizophrenia, are lifeless and do not make contact. The arms hang, more like appendages than extensions of the body. Feet tense and cold; they are often everted; body weight is transferred to the outer side of the foot.
There is often a noticeable discrepancy between the two halves of the body. In many cases they do not appear to belong to the same person.
For example, under stress, when a person assumes an arched position, the line of his body often appears broken. The head, torso and legs are often at an angle to each other.
Psychological relationships
The person does not feel whole /14/. The tendency towards disunity, which arises at the bodily level due to insufficient energetic connection between the head and the body, leads to a split personality. Thus, you can find a pose of arrogance combined with humiliation, or a virgin who feels like a whore. In the latter case, the body seems to be divided into two parts - upper and lower.
The schizoid character exhibits hypersensitivity due to a weak ego boundary, which is the psychological counterpart of the lack of peripheral charge. This weakness reduces the ego's resistance to external pressure and forces it into self-defense.
Such people avoid close, sensual relationships. In fact, it is very difficult for them to establish such relationships due to the lack of energy in the peripheral structures.
The desire to always motivate actions gives schizoid behavior a tinge of insincerity. This has been called “as if” behavior, i.e. it appears to be based on feelings, but the actions themselves are not an expression of feelings.
Etiological and historical factors
Here it seems important to provide some data on the origin of this structure. These are the summarized observations of those who have studied this problem, treated and analyzed patients with such disorders.
In all cases there is clear evidence that the patients were rejected by their mother at an early age, which they perceived as an existential threat. The rejection was accompanied by hidden and often open hostility on her part.
Rejection and hostility developed in the patient a fear that any attempts at contact, demands or self-assertion would lead to his own destruction.
From childhood comes a lack of any strong positive feelings of security or joy, frequent nightmares.
Typical of such patients is both detached and unemotional behavior with occasional outbursts of rage, which is called autistic.
If either parent repeatedly intervened in the child's life during the oedipal period (for example, for sexual reasons), which is very common, then a paranoid element was added to the main symptom. This made some activity possible in late childhood or adulthood.
In all this, the child has no choice but to separate himself from reality (the intense life of the imagination) and from his body (the abstract mind) in order to survive. Due to the fact that his main feelings were horror and mortal rage, the child fenced himself off from all feelings through self-defense.
By voice:
· The fugitive's voice is weak and powerless.
Dance manner:
· The fugitive does not like dancing. If he dances, his movements are minimal and inexpressive; he does not want to be noticed. It seems to say: “Don’t look at me for too long.”
Car selection:
· The fugitive loves unobtrusive cars of a dull color.
Sitting posture:
· The fugitive shrinks, trying to take up as little space as possible in the chair. He loves to tuck his legs under himself: when he is not connected to the ground, it is easier to escape.
Fears:
· The fugitive's greatest fear is panic. He cannot properly realize this because he hides, disappears as soon as he begins to panic, or even before it begins. Those around you see panic without difficulty - it is almost always your eyes that give it away.
Trauma by gender:
· The trauma of being rejected is experienced with a same-sex parent. That is, the fugitive feels rejected by people of the same sex as himself. He blames them for rejecting him and feels more anger towards them than towards himself. On the other hand, when he is rejected by a person of the opposite sex, he rejects himself even more. Accordingly, in this case his anger at himself dominates. At the same time, there is a high probability that this person of the opposite sex did not reject him, but left him.
Healing Traumas:
· Your injury rejected you are close to healing if you gradually take up more and more space, if you begin to assert yourself. And if someone pretends that you are not there, it does not unsettle you. Situations in which you are afraid to panic occur less and less often
A chronic feeling of rejection accompanied me for many years. I couldn’t even imagine that it and love almost always go together. Inside me, these feelings changed with such speed that it seemed that I was about to be thrown overboard. Rejection found me in a variety of life situations, and the only thing left was to flee from myself, my emotions. What did this mean?
As a child, my mother willingly shared her life experience and the notorious female wisdom with me. She showed by her example how to live, and I absorbed the example with every cell of my skin. You had to be wise, understanding, not pay attention to problems, turn a blind eye to the unpleasant truth, pretend that everything is fine. It doesn’t matter what feels like it’s tearing you to pieces inside. After all, if you show this, voice your feelings, something terrible can happen: a man can leave you, and then you will be left alone.
This approach was evident in all the mother’s stories. Of course, she did not use such formulations, because admitting the fear of being abandoned or even admitting the idea that you might be abandoned is shameful and painful. Why? Because this rejection in the mother’s life already happened long ago in childhood.
This is a paradox of the psyche - we are afraid of what has already happened. Therefore, mental defense mechanisms try to protect us from experiencing pain again. To prevent inner monsters from breaking out, colossal energy and maximum tension are required. To minimize the pain, my mother unknowingly shared it with me through her stories, and for her there was temporary relief. At the same time, she, of course, did not realize that she was writing the script of a child’s life.
Confession is what truly makes you take a deep breath. This was the first thing I started working on myself with.
What about me? I adopted my mother’s attitude and was also a “wise woman.” I didn’t seem to notice the obvious facts pointing to my husband’s infidelity. Why? So as not to face the terrible feeling of being abandoned. Denial allows you to deceive yourself, ensuring your stay in a world of illusions. After all, the truth is so hard that it seems impossible to bear.
Confession is what truly makes you take a deep breath. This was the first thing I started working on myself with. I admitted that it really hurts me, that this pain is inside me and it needs space.
This step was difficult for me. It's like entering cold water - you have to want it fiercely, gather all your will into a fist and dive. Scary, unpleasant. Water burns an unprepared body from all sides. But when the crisis of the first step is overcome, amazing things begin to happen: awareness of oneself in a new space. This is also a painful process, and you also need to go through it. Crisis and temporary discomfort make development possible, and this is the positive side of overcoming.
What can be done at this stage? Allow yourself to be with this experience, to feel it. You can describe your feelings on paper in detail - in what part of the body this pain lives, what it looks like, what size and color it is, how old it is. You can draw her and get to know her. Detailing transforms our internal state from something incomprehensible into something quite concrete, having certain boundaries - size, shape, name.
This technique allows you not to repress pain, not to hide it, but, on the contrary, to make it visible and understandable, to bring it out. And you can continue to work with this external image.
The free association method has been very effective for me. The exercise is best performed in silence and in a relaxed state. Take a piece of paper and a pen, formulate your sore subject. In my case, “I feel lonely.” Write down 16 associations to your key phrase in a column. Associations must be expressed in one word and can be in the form of a noun, adjective or verb.
You need to write immediately, spontaneously, everything that comes to mind. It is unnecessary to think, since spontaneity will be the answer of the unconscious. Even if you think the thought is shameful, immoral, or something else, write it down. Don't judge. You cannot repeat words, they must be different.
Combine the 16 interpretations received into pairs - the first with the second, the second with the third. This will give you 8 pairs. For each pair, write down one more image, which you also group into twos. For each pair, select one more unifying value. And so on until we get one single word - one deep thought related to your problem.
What is it about for you? What thoughts, images, feelings arise? Perhaps you have already experienced similar conditions? Think about when and with whom? Under what circumstances?
This is the healing process - drawing out hidden emotions, acknowledging their existence
By reflecting on this, you release deep experience, make it understandable, and put it into concrete forms. It may take several weeks or months to understand the meaning of the keyword. There is no need to force the process. Just stay with this thought, and after some time the subconscious will give you a solution. This will definitely happen, because our psyche is designed in such a way that through naming and pronouncing, the healing mechanism is launched.
When the associations are brought to the surface, you can proceed to the next step - creating a new idea of yourself. Think about how you would like to live if you didn’t have such a problem? Just fantasize, allow yourself to imagine it. Feel your sensations in a new type. Remember what thoughts, feelings, images, sensations in the body arise at this moment.
By such actions you write a new positive experience, a different reality, into your subconscious. This is the healing process - pulling out hidden emotions, acknowledging their existence. By allowing yourself a new life scenario, you create an internal resource. When internal integrity comes, you are no longer tormented by previously incomprehensible emotions and experiences, because you have already lived, accepted and transformed them. And this provides a huge resource for achieving any result, including being happy.
about the author
Analytical psychologist. Works with fears, complexes, guilt, self-doubt.
FUGITIVE PHYSIC (Rejected Trauma)Let's look in the dictionaries what the words “reject” and “rejected” mean. Dictionaries give several synonymous definitions: push away; dismiss, refuse; do not tolerate; to not allow; expose.
Often people have difficulty grasping the difference between the two concepts of “rejecting” and “abandoning.” To leave someone means to move away from him for the sake of someone or something else. To reject means to push away, not to want to see you next to you and in your life. The rejecter uses the expression: "I don't want", and the one who leaves says: "I can't".
Being rejected is a very deep trauma; the rejected one feels it as a rejection of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist. Of all five traumas, the feeling of rejection appears first, which means that the cause of such trauma in a person’s life occurs earlier than others. The soul that returns to Earth to heal this trauma is rejected from the moment of birth, and in many cases even earlier.
A suitable example is an unwanted child born “by chance.” If the soul of this baby could not cope with the experience of being rejected, that is, it was not able to remain itself and be in well-being, despite rejection, then he will inevitably experience the state of being rejected. A striking case is a child wrong gender. There are many other reasons why a parent rejects their child; It is very important for us here to understand that only those souls who need to experience the experience of being rejected are attracted to a parent or parents of a certain type: these parents will inevitably reject their child.
It often happens that the parent has no intention of rejecting the child, but nevertheless the child feels rejected for every, even small reason - after an offensive remark, or when one of the parents experiences anger, impatience, etc. If the wound is not healed, it is very easy to open it. A person who feels rejected is biased. He interprets all events through the filters of his trauma, and the feeling of rejection only intensifies, although it may not be true.
From the very day when the baby felt rejected, he begins to develop a mask FUGITIVE. I had to observe and treat many times regression to the embryonic state, and I became convinced that a person with the trauma of being rejected in the womb feels very small, tries to take up as little space as possible, and also constantly has a feeling of darkness, darkness. This confirmed my guess that the mask fugitive may begin to form even before birth.
I ask you to note that from now until the end of the book I will use the term “fugitive” to designate a person suffering from a rejection complex. Mask fugitive- this is another, new personality, character, developing as a means of evading the suffering of the rejected.
This mask manifests itself physically as elusive physique, that is, a body (or part of the body) that seems to want to disappear. Narrow, compressed, it seems to be specially designed so that it is easier to slip away, take up less space, and not be visible among others. This body does not want to take up much space, it takes on the image running away, escaping and throughout his life strives to occupy as little space as possible. When you see a person who looks like a disembodied ghost - “skin and bones” - you can with a high degree of confidence expect that he is suffering from the deep trauma of a rejected being.
Fugitive- this is a person who doubts his right to exist; it even seems that she has not fully embodied. Therefore, her body gives the impression of being unfinished, incomplete, consisting of fragments poorly adjusted to each other. The left side of the face, for example, may differ noticeably from the right, and this is visible to the naked eye; there is no need to check it with a ruler. Remember, by the way, how many people have you seen with perfectly symmetrical sides of the body?
When I talk about an “incomplete” body, I mean those areas of the body where entire pieces seem to be missing (buttocks, chest, chin, ankles are much smaller than calves, depressions in the back, chest, abdomen, etc. ).
Having seen how such a person holds himself (shoulders are shifted forward, arms are usually pressed to the body, etc.), we say that his body crooked. It seems that something is blocking the growth of the body or its individual parts; or as if some parts of the body differ from others in age; and some people actually look like adults in a child's body.
A deformed body that evokes pity speaks volumes about the fact that this person carries within himself the trauma of being rejected. Before being born, his soul chose this body to put itself in a situation that would help it overcome this trauma.
Characteristic feature fugitive are small face and eyes. The eyes seem empty or absent, because a person with such a trauma tends to go into his own world or “fly to the moon” (to the astral plane) whenever possible. Often these eyes are filled with fear. Watching the face fugitive, you can literally feel the mask on him, especially in his eyes. He himself often imagines that he is looking at the world through a mask. Some fugitives They admitted to me that the feeling of a mask on their face sometimes does not go away all day, while for others it lasts for several minutes. It doesn't really matter how long it lasts; the important thing is that this is their way of not being present in what is happening around them.
Not to be present so as not to suffer.
The presence of all of the listed signs indicates that the trauma of the rejected person is very deep, much deeper than that of a person with a single sign - for example, only with eyes fugitive. If the body has, say, half of the characteristics fugitive, then we can assume that this person does not wear a protective mask all the time, but about half of the time. This could apply, for example, to a person with a fairly large body but a small face and small eyes fugitive or to a person with a large body and very short ankles. If not all the signs of being rejected are observed, then the trauma is not so deep.
Wearing a mask means not being yourself. Even in childhood we develop not yours behavior, believing that it will protect us. The first reaction of a human being who feels rejected is the desire to run away, to slip away, to disappear. A child who feels rejected and creates a mask fugitive, usually lives in an imaginary world. For this reason, he is most often smart, prudent, quiet and does not cause problems.
Alone, he amuses himself with his imaginary world and builds castles in the air. He may even believe that his parents are not real, that they mixed up newborns in the hospital. Such children invent many ways to escape from home; one of them is an expressed desire to go to school. However, having come to school and feeling rejected there (or rejecting themselves), they go to their own world, “to the moon.” One woman told me that she felt like a “tourist” at school.
On the other hand, a child of this type wants to be noticed, although he is not sure of his right to exist. I remember one little girl who hid behind a closet at the very moment when her parents greeted guests at the doorstep of the house. When they noticed that the child was missing, everyone rushed to look for her. She did not leave her shelter, although she could clearly hear the adults’ anxiety growing. She told herself: “I want them to find me. I want them to understand that I exist.". This girl was so unsure of her right to exist that she arranged situations that could confirm this right.
Since the body size of such a child is smaller than average and he often resembles a doll or some kind of fragile and defenseless creature, the mother overprotects him; and he gets used to everyone constantly saying: he is too small for this, he is too weak for that, etc. The child begins to believe in this so much that his body really becomes small. For this reason, “being loved” for him means something suffocating. Later, when someone loves him,
his first instinct will be to reject this love or run away, because the fear of suffocation will still nest within him. An overprotected child feels rejected and feels that he is not accepted for who he is. Trying to somehow compensate for his smallness and fragility, those close to him try to do everything and even think for him; but even then, instead of feeling loved, the child feels rejected in his abilities.
Fugitive prefers not to become attached to material things, because they can prevent him from running away whenever and wherever he wants. It seems as if he really looks down on everything material. He asks himself what he is doing on this planet; it is very difficult for him to believe that he can be happy here. He is especially attracted to everything connected with the spirit, as well as the intellectual world. He rarely uses material things for pleasure, believing such pleasure to be superficial. One young woman told me that she doesn't like going to stores. She does this just to feel alive. Fugitive admits that money is necessary, but it does not bring him joy.
Detachment fugitive from material things causes difficulties in his sex life. He is ready to believe that sexuality is contrary to spirituality. Many fugitives-women told me that they consider sex to be a soulless phenomenon, especially after they became mothers. Some even managed to set up their spouse in such a way that he did not want physical intimacy with them throughout the entire pregnancy.
To the fugitives It can be very difficult to understand that they can and have the right to have the same sexual needs as any normal person. They gravitate towards situations in which they find themselves rejected sexually - or they deny themselves a sexual life.
The trauma of rejection is experienced with a same-sex parent.
If you recognize yourself in the description of a person who feels rejected, it means that you have experienced the same feeling towards a parent of the same sex. It is this parent who first opens the existing wound. And then rejection and dislike towards this parent, even to the point of hatred, become completely normal and human.
The role of a parent of the same sex is to teach us to love - to love ourselves and to give love. A parent of the opposite sex must teach to allow oneself to be loved and to accept love .
Without accepting the parent, we just as naturally decide not to use him as a model. If you see that this is your trauma, then know that it is this rejection that explains your difficulties: being of the same sex with an unloved parent, you cannot accept yourself and love yourself.
Fugitive does not believe in his own worth, he does not value himself at all. And for this reason, he uses all means to become perfect and gain value both in his own eyes and in the eyes of others. The word “NOBODY” is a favorite in his dictionary, and he applies it to himself and others with equal success:
“My boss said I was nobody, so I had to leave”.
"IN in economic matters my mother is a nobody".
“My father is just a nobody in his relationship with my mother. My husband turned out to be the same; I don’t blame him for leaving me.”.
In Quebec, the preferred word is “NOTHING”:
“I know that I am nothing, others are more interesting than me”.
“No matter what I do, it doesn’t work; I still have to start over every time.”.
“I’m okay, okay… do as you want.”.
One man- fugitive admitted at the seminar that he felt like a nonentity and a slacker in front of his father. “When he talks to me, I’m crushed. If he is able to think, it is only about how to escape from him; Where do all my arguments and self-control go? His presence alone depresses me.". Woman- fugitive told me how at the age of sixteen she decided that from now on her mother was for her nothing- after the mother stated that it would be better if she didn’t have such a daughter, it would be better if she disappeared, even if she died. Avoiding suffering, the daughter has since completely distanced herself from her mother.
It is interesting to note that it is predominantly the parent of the same sex who encourages the flight of a child who feels rejected. Most often, in stories about children leaving home, I hear a phrase from a parent: “Are you leaving? Very good, it will become freer here.”. The child, of course, feels his rejection even more painfully and becomes even more angry with the parent. This type of situation easily arises with a parent who is themselves suffering from the same trauma. He encourages withdrawal because the remedy is familiar to him, even if he doesn't realize it.
Prominent place in the dictionary fugitive The words “does not exist” and “non-existent” are also occupied. For example, to the questions: “How is your sex?” or “What is your relationship with such and such a person?” he answers: "They don't exist", whereas most people will simply answer that things are not going well or that the relationship is not working out.
Fugitive also loves words disappear, vanish. He may say: “My father treats my mother like a prostitute... I would like to disappear” or “I wish my parents were gone!”
Fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. Both in the family and in any group of people, he is suppressed. He believes that he must endure the most unpleasant situations to the end, as if he has no right to fight back; in any case, he sees no options for salvation. Here's an example: a girl asks her mother to help her with her homework and hears in response: “Go to dad. Can’t you see that I’m busy and he has nothing to do?” The first reaction of a rejected child will be to think: “Well, again I wasn’t polite enough, and that’s why my mother refused to help me.”, and then the girl will go look for a quiet corner where she can hide from everyone.
U fugitive Usually there are very few friends at school, and subsequently at work. He is considered withdrawn and left alone. The more he isolates himself, the more invisible he seems. He finds himself in a vicious circle: feeling rejected, he puts on a mask fugitive so as not to suffer; he fades so much that others stop noticing him; he becomes increasingly lonely, which gives him even more reason to feel rejected.
And now I will describe to you a situation that was repeated many times at the very end of my seminars, at the moment when everyone tells how the seminar helped him. It was with great surprise that I discovered the presence of a personality I had not noticed during the two-day seminar! I ask myself: “But where has she been hiding all this time?” Then I see that she has a body fugitive that she arranged herself so as not to speak or ask questions during the entire seminar, and that she sat behind the others the entire time, trying not to be visible. When I tell such participants that they are too shy, they almost invariably respond that they have nothing interesting to say, which is why they didn’t say anything.
Really, fugitive usually says little. Sometimes he can talk, and talks a lot - he is trying to assert his importance; in this case, those around him perceive pride in his statements.
U fugitive A SKIN PROBLEM often develops - so that it is not touched. Skin is a contact organ; its appearance can attract or repel another person. Skin disease is an unconscious way of protecting yourself from being touched, especially in those places that are associated with the problem. I have heard more than once from fugitives: “When they touch me, it feels like I’m being pulled out of my cocoon.”. The wound of the rejected one aches and makes him eventually believe that if he goes into his own world, he will not suffer anymore, since he himself will not reject himself and others will not be able to reject him. Therefore, he often avoids participating in group work and hangs out. He hides in his cocoon.
Therefore fugitive easily and willingly goes on astral travel: unfortunately, these journeys are more often made unconsciously. He may even think that this is a common occurrence and that others happen there as often as he does. In thoughts and ideas fugitive constantly scattered; Sometimes you can hear him say: "I need to get myself together"- it seems to him that he consists of separate pieces. This impression is especially typical for those whose body resembles a structure made of disparate parts. More than once I have heard from fugitives: “I feel as if I am cut off from other people. It's like I'm not here". Some have told me that they sometimes clearly feel their body being split in half - as if an invisible thread is cutting it at the waist. One of my friends had this thread dividing her body at chest level. As a result of using the detachment technique that I teach in one of my seminars, she felt that the upper and lower parts of her body were connected and was very surprised by the new sensation. It helped her realize that she hadn't truly been in her body since she was a child. She never knew what it meant to be earthbound.
At seminars I notice fugitives, mainly women who like to sit on a chair with their legs crossed under them; it seems that they would be more comfortable sitting on the ground. But, since they hardly touch the ground, it is not difficult for them sneak away. But they pay money to attend our classes, and this fact confirms their intention - or at least the desire of some part of them - be here, although it is very difficult for them to concentrate, to “collect themselves”. So I tell them that they have a choice - to go to the astral plane and miss what is happening here, or to remain anchored in their place and be present in the present.
As I said above, fugitive does not feel either acceptance or goodwill from a parent of the same sex. This does not necessarily mean that the parent is rejecting him. It is his, fugitive, personal feeling. This same soul could come to Earth in order to overcome the trauma of humiliation, and incarnate with these same parents with exactly the same attitude towards their child. On the other hand, it goes without saying that fugitive tends to experience the experience of being rejected more than any other person - say, a brother or sister - who does not have this trauma.
A person experiencing the suffering of a rejected person constantly seeks the love of a parent of the same sex; he may also transfer his search to other persons of the same sex. He will consider himself an incomplete being until he wins the love of his parent. He is very sensitive to the slightest comments from this parent and is always ready to decide that he is rejecting him. Bitterness and embitterment gradually develop in him, often turning into hatred - so great is his suffering. Don't forget that it takes a lot of love to hate. Hatred is strong but disappointed love. The wound of the rejected is so deep that of all five characters fugitive most prone to hatred. He easily passes the stage of great love in order to surrender to great hatred. This is an indicator of severe internal suffering.
As for the parent of the opposite sex, then fugitive he himself is afraid of rejecting him and restrains himself in every possible way in his actions and statements towards him. Because of his injury, he cannot be himself. He resorts to various tricks and precautions so as not to reject this parent - he does not want to be accused of having rejected anyone himself. On the other hand, he wants a parent of the same sex to curry favor with him - this allows him to not feel his rejection so keenly. He does not want to see that his suffering as a rejected person is caused by an internal, unresolved trauma, and the parent has nothing to do with it. If fugitive experiences the experience of being rejected by a parent (or other person) of the opposite sex, he blames himself for this and rejects himself.
If you see the trauma of being rejected in yourself, then for you, even if your parent really rejects you, it is very important to understand and accept the following thought: “it is because your trauma is not healed that you attract a certain type of situation and a certain parent.” As long as you believe that all your misfortunes are the fault of other people, your trauma cannot be healed. As a consequence of your reaction to your own parents, you will very easily feel rejected by others of the same sex, and you will always be afraid of rejecting someone of the opposite sex yourself.
The deeper the trauma of the rejected person, the more strongly he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he finds himself rejected or rejects himself .
The more fugitive rejects himself, the greater his fear of being rejected. He constantly humiliates and underestimates himself. He often compares himself with those who are stronger than him in some way, and thus develops a belief in his own second-classness. He does not notice that in some areas he may be superior to other people. He will never believe that someone would like to make friends with him, that someone sees him as a spouse, that they can truly love him. One mother told me about her children: they tell her they love her, but she doesn't understand for what they love her!
Everything turns out so that fugitive constantly lives in an uncertain state: if he is elected, he does not believe in it and rejects himself - sometimes to such an extent that, in fact, he provokes the situation; if he is not elected, then he feels rejected by others. One young man from a large family told me that his father never entrusted him with anything, from which the child made a categorical conclusion that all other children were better than him. And it’s not surprising that now the father always chooses one of them. A vicious circle has formed.
Fugitive often says (or thinks) that all his deeds and thoughts are worthless. When attention is paid to him, he gets lost, it begins to seem to him that he takes up too much space. If he takes up a lot of space, he thinks that he is disturbing someone, which means he will be rejected by those whom he disturbs. Even in the womb fugitive Doesn't take up extra space. He is doomed to languish until his injury is healed.
When he is talking and someone interrupts him, he instantly takes this as evidence that he is not worth listening to and habitually falls silent. A person who is not burdened by the trauma of the rejected person, in this case, also concludes that his statement turned out to be uninteresting - but not he himself! to the fugitive it is equally difficult to express his opinion when he is not asked: he feels that his interlocutors will see this as confrontation and reject him.
If he has a question or request for someone, but this person is busy, then he will not say anything. He knows what he wants, but he does not dare to ask for it, believing that it is not important enough to bother others.
Many women say that even in adolescence they stopped trusting their mother for fear of not being understood. They believe that to be understood is to be loved. Meanwhile, one has nothing in common with the other. Loving means accepting another, even if you don’t understand him. Because of this belief, they become evasive in conversation. And it turns out that they are always trying to get away from the subject of discussion, but are afraid to start something else. Of course, they behave this way not only with their mother, but also with other women. If fugitive- a man, then his relationships with his father and other men are exactly the same.
Another distinctive feature fugitive is the desire for perfection in everything he does: he believes that if he makes a mistake, he will be condemned, and being condemned for him is the same as being rejected. Since he does not believe in his own perfection, he tries to compensate for this by the perfection of what he does. Unfortunately, he confuses “to be” and “to do.” His search for perfection can reach the point of obsession. He wants everything so passionately do It is clear that any work takes him an unreasonably long time. And ultimately, this is why he is rejected.
Reaching its limit, fear fugitive goes into panic. At the mere thought of the possibility of panic, the first thing he does is look for somewhere to hide, run away, disappear. He would prefer to disappear because he knows that in a state of panic he will not move at all. He believes that by hiding somewhere, he will avoid trouble. He is so convinced of his inability to cope with panic that he ends up giving in to it very easily, even when there is no reason for it. The desire to hide, to disappear is deeply characteristic fugitives; I have more than once encountered cases of regression to the embryonic state. Such people said that they wanted to hide in their mother's belly - another evidence of how early this begins.
Attracting to himself, like a magnet, people and situations he fears, fugitive in the same way provokes circumstances in which he panics. His fear, naturally, further dramatizes what is happening. He always finds any explanation for his flight or evasion.
Fugitive panics especially easily and freezes with fear in the presence of a parent or other people of the same sex (especially if they in any way resemble this parent). He does not experience this fear with his parent and with other people of the opposite sex; it is much easier for him to communicate with them. I also noticed that in the dictionary fugitive The word “panic” comes up quite often. He might say, for example: “I feel panicky at the thought of quitting smoking”. Usually a person will simply say that it is difficult for him to quit smoking.
Is our ego does everything he can to keep us from noticing our injuries. Why? Because we ourselves gave him this mandate. Unconsciously. We are so afraid of reliving the pain associated with each trauma that we use every means possible to avoid admitting to ourselves that we are experiencing the suffering of a rejected being because we are rejecting ourselves. And those who reject us came into our lives to show us how much we reject ourselves.
Fear of your own panic in many situations leads fugitive to the point that he loses his memory. He may even think that he has a memory problem, but in fact he has a fear problem. During course seminars “Become a mass entertainer” I have seen this picture more than once: one of the participants, fugitive, must speak in front of others and tell something or hold a mini-conference; but even when he is well prepared and knows his material, fear at the last minute builds up to such a level that everything flies out of the speaker’s head. Sometimes he simply leaves his body, and it freezes in front of us, as if paralyzed - like a sleepwalker. Fortunately, this problem is gradually resolved as he overcomes his rejection trauma.
It's interesting to see how our traumas affect our relationship with food. A person nourishes his physical body in the same way as his mental and emotional body. Fugitive prefers small portions; he often loses his appetite when he experiences bouts of fear or other strong emotions. Of all the listed types fugitive most prone to anorexia: he almost completely refuses to eat because he seems too big and plump, although in reality the opposite is true. Weight loss below normal, exhaustion is his attempt to disappear. Sometimes appetite wins, and then fugitive greedily pounces on food - this is also an attempt to disappear, to dissolve in food. However, this method fugitives rarely used; More often they are attracted to alcoholic drinks or drugs.
Runaways have a weakness for sweets, especially when they are overcome by strong fear. Since fear robs a person of energy, it is natural to assume that introducing sugar into the body can replenish the loss. Indeed, sugar gives energy, but, unfortunately, not for long, so you have to replenish it in this way too often.
Our traumas prevent us from being ourselves; Because of this, blocks arise in the body and, as a result, diseases. Each character type has its own special ailments and diseases, determined by its internal mental structure.
Here are some typical ones: fugitive illnesses and ailments.
He often suffers from DIARRHEA - he rejects, throws away food before the body has time to absorb the nutritional elements, just as he rejects a situation that could be beneficial for him.
Many suffer from ARRHYTHMIA - irregular heart rhythm. When the heart begins to beat like mad, they have the feeling that it wants to break out of the chest, fly away; this is another form of wanting to avoid a painful situation.
I have said before that the wound of a rejected person is so painful that fugitive It is quite logical that hatred develops towards a parent of the same sex, whom he, while still a child, condemned for the suffering caused to him. Forgive yourself, however, for hating your parent fugitive cannot and prefers not to think and not know about the existence of this hatred. Without giving himself the right to hate a parent of the same sex, he can lead himself to CANCER: this disease is associated with bitterness, anger, hatred - with mental pain experienced alone.
If a person manages to come to the recognition that he hated or hates a parent, there will be no cancer. He may develop an acute illness if he continues to harbor plans hostile to this parent, but it will not be cancer. Cancer most often manifests itself in someone who has suffered a lot, but only blames himself for it. It is really difficult to agree that you hate your father or mother, because it means admitting that you are evil and heartless; it also means admitting that you are rejecting the parent whom you yourself accused of rejecting you.
Fugitive does not give himself the right to be a child. He forces maturation, believing that this way he will suffer less from his injury. For this reason, his body (or some part of it) resembles the body of a child. Cancer indicates that he did not give the child in himself the right to suffer. He did not accept what is humanly fair - to hate a parent whom you consider to be the culprit of your suffering.
Among other diseases characteristic of fugitive, we also see disturbances in RESPIRATORY FUNCTIONS, especially during panic.
Fugitive susceptible to ALLERGIES - this is a reflection of the rejection that he has experienced or is experiencing in relation to certain foods or substances.
He may also choose VOMITING as an indicator of his disgust towards a certain person or situation. I have even heard such statements from teenagers: “I want to throw up my mother (or father).” Fugitive often wants to “throw up” a situation or a hated person and can express his feeling with the words: "This is a sickening man" or “Your conversations make me sick”. All of these are ways to express your desire for someone or something to reject.
Dizziness or fainting are also suitable remedies if you really want to avoid a situation or person.
In serious cases fugitive is saved by COMA.
Fugitive A person suffering from AGORAPHOBIA uses this disorder when he wants to avoid certain situations and people that can cause him to panic (more about this behavioral disorder will be discussed in Chapter 3).
If fugitive Abuses sugar, it can provoke pancreatic diseases such as HYPOGLYCEMIA or DIABETES.
If he has accumulated too much hatred towards the parent as a result of the suffering he has experienced and is experiencing as a rejected being, and if he has reached his emotional and mental limit, then he may develop a DEPRESSIVE or MANIAC-DEPRESSIVE state. If he is planning suicide, he does not talk about it, and when he proceeds to action, he provides everything so as not to fail. Those who often talk about suicide and usually make mistakes when they take action belong rather to the category of the abandoned; they will be discussed in the next chapter.
to the fugitive Since childhood, it has been difficult to recognize himself as a full-fledged human being, so he strives be like the hero or heroine he adores, he is ready to get lost, to dissolve in his idol - for example, a young girl passionately wants to be Marilyn Monroe; this lasts until she decides to be someone else. The danger of such deviation in behavior is that over time it can turn into PSYCHOSIS.
The illnesses and ailments listed above are also possible in people with other types of trauma, but are still most common in those who feel rejected.
If you find yourself with rejection trauma, then it is more than likely that your same-sex parent also feels rejected by their same-sex parent; Moreover, there is a very high probability that he feels rejected by you too. This may not be realized by either party, yet it is true and has been confirmed by thousands of people - fugitives.
Remember: the main reason for the existence of any trauma is the inability to forgive yourself for the wound inflicted on yourself or other people. Forgiving ourselves is very difficult because, as a rule, we do not even know that we are judging ourselves. The deeper your rejection wound, the more unmistakably it indicates that you are rejecting yourself - or rejecting other people, situations and projects.
We blame others for what we do not want to see in ourselves. .
This is why we attract those people who show us how we behave with others or with ourselves.
Another means of realizing that we are rejecting ourselves or rejecting another person is shame. Indeed, we experience shame when we want to hide or hide our behavior. It is normal to find shameful behavior in which we reproach others. We really don't want them to discover that we behave in the same way.
Remember: all of the above is experienced only if the suffering rejected person decides to wear the mask of a fugitive, believing that thereby he will avoid suffering proportionate to the depth of the trauma. He wears this mask in some cases for several minutes a week, in others - almost constantly .
Behavior characteristic of fugitive, is dictated by the fear of repeating the suffering of the rejected one. But it may also be that you recognize yourself in some of the behavioral characteristics described above, but not in all. A complete match of all characteristics is almost impossible. Each trauma has its own forms of behavior and internal states. The way a person thinks, feels, speaks and acts (in accordance with his traumas) determines his reaction to everything that happens in life. A person in a state of reaction cannot be balanced, cannot be concentrated in his heart, cannot experience well-being and happiness. That's why it's so important to recognize when you're reacting and when you're being yourself. If you succeed, then you have the opportunity to become the master of your life, and not let fears control it.
My goal in this chapter was to help you understand the trauma of being rejected. If you recognize yourself in a mask fugitive, then in the last chapter you will find complete information on how to heal from this trauma, how to become yourself again and not suffer from the feeling that everyone is rejecting you. If you do not find this trauma in yourself, then I advise you to turn to those who know you well for confirmation; this will eliminate the error. As I already said, the trauma of the rejected person may not be deep, and then you will only have certain characteristic traits fugitive. Let me remind you that you should trust first of all the physical description, because the physical body never lies, in contrast to its owner, who is quite capable of deceiving himself.
If you detect this trauma in someone around you, you should not try to change him. Instead, use everything you learn in this book to develop more compassion for other people so you can better understand the nature of their reactive behavior. And it is better to let them read this book themselves if they become interested in the problem, than to try to retell its contents to them.
Characteristics of injury to the REJECTEDAwakening Trauma: from the moment of conception to one year; with a parent of the same sex. Doesn't feel the right to exist.
Mask: fugitive.
Parent: of the same gender.
Body: compressed, narrow, fragile, fragmented.
Eyes: small, with an expression of fear; impression of a mask around the eyes.
Dictionary:“nothing” “nobody” “does not exist” “disappear” “I’m sick of...”.
Character: Detachment from material things. The pursuit of excellence. Intelligence. Transitions through stages of great love to periods of deep hatred. Doesn't believe in his right to exist. Sexual difficulties. He considers himself useless and insignificant. Seeks solitude. It's stewing. Able to be invisible. Finds various ways to escape. Easily travels to the astral plane. He believes that he is not understood. He cannot allow his inner child to live in peace.
Most afraid of: panic.
Nutrition: Appetite often disappears due to an influx of emotions or fear. Eats in small portions. Sugar, alcohol and drugs as escape methods. Predisposition to anorexia.
Typical diseases: Skin Diarrhea Arrhythmia Respiratory dysfunction Allergies Vomiting Fainting Coma Hypoglycemia Diabetes Depression Suicidal tendencies Psychosis.