Hello! I'm 24. I can't accept myself. I don’t like everything about myself: hair, skin, facial features, figure, nails, chest, legs, I can’t come to terms with the fact that my height is 158... But I’m neither scary nor fat. I understand that there are more flawed people. But I'm imperfect. Do you understand? I'm just like everyone else. In childhood and adolescence, she suffered from excessive obesity. I was very worried about this. Now my weight is normal, but I constantly want to lose weight. I really envy women with model appearance and this feeling is killing me. Sometimes I have dreams that I have a completely different appearance, even a different race, and then I feel relieved. I dream that my legs are too short and all my stockings are too big. It may sound funny from the outside, but I'm not laughing. I often have hysterics about this.
Answers from psychologists
Hello Tatiana.
This is not funny at all. This total rejection of oneself, apparently, has very deep roots. You write that “everything is normal now.” But understanding this does not bring you peace. An ideal appearance is something unrealistic, so the desire to be perfect inevitably brings you disappointment.
You need to work with a specialist to help you accept yourself, this can be a long journey.
Good luck to you!
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0Hello Tatiana!
You have a distortion of self-esteem and self-attitude. What exactly was the basis for this, I cannot judge from the letter; this needs to be investigated. But this is absolutely a consequence of your relationship with your parents or those who raised you. We need to explore children's experiences, comprehend them and give them some meaning in our value system. Self-esteem should normally be adequate, positive and stable. You have a risk of developing anorexia, judging by the symptoms, so don't delay it. Find yourself a psychologist and start reconsidering your self-attitude. All the best, Elena.
Good answer 5 Bad answer 0 
Hello Tatiana!
It is best for you to go to full-time work with a psychologist. So briefly in a letter, simple explanations about how to love yourself cannot be explained. You really are somehow fixated on your painful experiences and self-acceptance. But you can figure this out and correct it only through face-to-face work. Come, let's work. Galina.
Good answer 2 Bad answer 1 
Hello Tatiana!
I agree with my colleagues - personal psychotherapy would be useful for you. Affirmations on the topic “I am the most charming and attractive” will not help here. We need to look for the reasons for this and eliminate them. Such self-esteem was built into you and as a child you could not do anything about it. But now you are an adult and you can choose for yourself whether to live with this opinion about yourself or do something about it.
Good luck! Svetlana.
Hello Tatiana! Loving yourself is not easy work, but this work must be done because it is worth it. Not accepting yourself as you are speaks of a deep internal conflict that has been going on since childhood. After all, even your weight is now normal, but the experience of being overweight remains the same as in childhood. This is exactly what it is advisable for you to work with a psychologist. Good luck to you!
Good answer 8 Bad answer 0 
Tatyana, hello! Accepting yourself is, of course, working on yourself. By changing something on the outside, you certainly won’t change yourself on the inside. There is something wrong within you that needs to be explored. In any case, you only write about the fact that you do not accept yourself as you are. Try to look for what you like in yourself, your strengths, what you can rely on. After all
What makes you feel bad about yourself? Why don't we love ourselves so much? Why do we think that life has failed and our abilities are zero? We sincerely want to correct the situation, accept ourselves, and cannot understand what causes dissatisfaction with our own “I”.There are many reasons that make you feel negative about yourself. This is, for example, criticism of other people. After all, someone has been evaluating us all our lives! Our friends, family, colleagues or even strangers. And, of course, they are not always correct in their statements. If we take the judgments of others about us and our actions too seriously, and consider their words to be objective truth, then our self-esteem suffers significantly. We ourselves are able to evaluate our life, because it is ours, and we are the ones who know everything about it, including the motives for certain actions that may seem completely unreasonable to someone from the outside.
Often we attach great importance to certain events in our lives. For some it’s very much, for others it’s family. And if something doesn’t go well in an area of life that is significant to us, if we are being pursued by another, self-esteem inevitably falls. Do you put all your effort into your job but can't get a promotion? A lot of thoughts about your own inadequacy arise in your head. It’s important to stop here and think about whether this event is really important in your life? After all, this is not all that it consists of. There are friends with whom you have excellent relationships, loving parents or a wife, and you are also well versed in technology! Life is not limited only to this increase, it is much broader and more diverse. Can't all these advantages overshadow failures at work, which, by the way, will not last forever?
Another reason for low self-esteem is too high expectations from ourselves. We take on an overwhelming amount of work, and we also want to get it done in the shortest possible time! As a result, we fail to achieve the required result, and we lose faith in our abilities, but do not appreciate the complexity of the task. After all, no one could cope in our place!
Self-esteem is also closely related to loneliness. Humans are social creatures; we simply need relationships with our own kind. Imagine a situation where a person lives alone, he has no friends, he does not maintain contact with his family, in a word, he is completely alone. Looking at this situation from the outside, we will most likely say that such a person is inferior. This is the opinion of society, and we ourselves feel deprived of something when there are no close people nearby, when no one can support us in difficult times. Perhaps in these moments thoughts will flash through our heads that since we have not been able to establish relationships with anyone, we are not worthy of respect and love. These thoughts need to be driven away from yourself, and the sooner the better. Due to the inability to communicate and establish contacts, many feel isolated and realize that they are deprived of some important part of life, which means they feel inferior. Develop communication skills, be and don’t be afraid to take the initiative.
Our low self-esteem can be caused by various reasons, but if we are aware of this problem and are determined not to give in to it, everything is in our hands! Having understood how and why self-dislike arises, we have a chance to look at the situation in a new way, without illusions and embellishments. The main thing is to start acting and not stop there, because the first step has already been taken!
I will have to either ask for “more” or give up the other person’s feelings, because it’s still not enough for me. In any case, it will be difficult for me to give anything: without loving myself, I think that I cannot give anything worthwhile or interesting to others.
Someone who doesn’t love himself first uses and then destroys his partner’s trust. The “supplier of love” becomes embarrassed, he begins to doubt and eventually gets tired of proving his feelings. The mission is impossible: you cannot give to another what he can only give to himself - self-love.
Someone who doesn’t love himself often unconsciously questions the feelings of another: “Why does he need such a nonentity like me? That means he’s even worse than me!” Lack of self-love can also take the form of almost manic devotion, obsession with love. But such obsession masks an insatiable need to be loved. So, one woman told me how she suffered from... her husband’s constant declarations of love! There was hidden psychological violence in them, which negated everything that could be good in their relationship. After separating from her husband, she lost 20 kilograms, which she had previously gained, unconsciously trying to protect herself from his terrorizing confessions.
I am worthy of respect, which means I am worthy of love.
The love of another can never make up for our lack of self-love. It’s as if you can hide your fear and anxiety under the cover of someone’s love! When a person does not love himself, he craves absolute, unconditional love and demands from his partner to show him more and more evidence of his feelings. One man told me about his girlfriend, who literally tortured his feelings, testing the strength of the relationship. It was as if this woman kept asking him, “Will you still love me even if I treat you badly, if you can’t trust me?” Love that does not fit into a worthy relationship does not shape the personality and does not satisfy its needs
I myself was a beloved child, my mother’s treasure. But she built her relationship with me with the help of orders, blackmail and threats, which did not allow me to learn trust, benevolence and self-love. Despite my mother's adoration, I did not love myself. At the age of nine I fell ill and had to be treated in a sanatorium. There I met a nurse who (for the first time in my life!) gave me an amazing feeling: I am valuable - just the way I am. I am worthy of respect, which means I am worthy of love.
During therapy, it is not the love of the psychotherapist that helps change the way you look at yourself, but the quality of the relationship that the therapist offers. This is a relationship based on goodwill and listening skills.
This is why I never tire of repeating: the best gift we can give a child is not so much to love him, but to teach him to love himself.
14.03.2017 11:18:28
The topic of self-dislike and failures in life is extremely important. Regarding the article, you have received many letters with questions, which we will try to sort out in the near future.
Each of us wants to be happy. But because of self-dislike, because of non-acceptance of one’s complexes and shortcomings, a person deprives himself of the opportunity to become better. What you cannot accept in yourself, you cannot change, which means the problems will remain...
How to understand and accept yourself? Let's find out.
Today we will talk to you about where your bad habits and failures in life come from. I warn you right away, we will talk about the structure of our brain, and no matter how hard I tried to write simply and clearly, the text turned out to be complex. Those who want to understand this issue will have to strain their brains. Those who are too lazy to understand their problems may not read this article.
Why am I afraid of my success?
Many people do not like themselves because they cannot achieve anything THEMSELVES in this life. They cannot make a conscious choice and achieve what they want. And they suffer from it...
I love them very much. But I'm too obsessed with them. They are my center of the universe. I call them several times a day. I constantly monitor where they are, with whom, and what they are doing. They never followed me though. They just asked me to let them know where I was going and when I’d be back, so that they wouldn’t worry.
As a child, my dad spoke to me only when something didn’t work out. For example: “Something has gone crazy.” But when I was losing weight, no one paid attention to it. They sent me to dance and kicked me out in disgrace: “She will never learn.” My parents sent me to art school... I didn’t like it there, and after a couple of years I stopped going there. Mom always said: “You won’t succeed, your hands are in the wrong place.” Hence, apparently, my dislike for myself. And how to use the technique of forgiveness here? I love my parents anyway, and I’m not offended by them.”
Irina.
Irina, cadets often write to me that they have wonderful parents, and they are not to blame for their misfortunes in life. But starting to work with Forgiveness and Reprogramming, they suddenly find out a lot of interesting things about their character traits. For example, you wrote in a letter about how you were kicked out of a dance in disgrace. Unconsciously, you blame your parents for this and are seriously offended by them. But you consciously write that there are no hard feelings.
What is good or bad luck in your past?
This is your parents' opinion about that situation in life. In fact, experienced teachers cannot expel a child from the circle in disgrace because he is not good at something. A person with a pedagogical education is obliged to tell the child: "Can't dance? Don't worry, you can try: singing, chess, painting, or whatever your heart desires! And you will definitely achieve success if you put in the effort! Just look for what you REALLY like!"
There are no stupid and unworthy children, there are only those who are not minding their own business.
But your parents did not have a pedagogical education, and they made it clear to you that you were kicked out in disgrace. And it makes no sense to blame them for this, they did not know how to behave.
But you must see the reasons for your failures. In this case, you will know how to set yourself up for success in life.
And so far you haven’t succeeded, because... your parents made decisions for you, and you got used to living like that. Why? Because by their actions your parents instilled in you the idea: “I can’t make the right choice myself!”
“If you tell a person a hundred times that he is a pig, the hundred and first time he will grunt.”
Khoja Nasreddin
How is a person's character formed?
In childhood, gaining new experience and knowledge, more and more new connections between neurons appear in the child’s brain. Some connections are often used and gradually become overgrown with myelin. The myelin sheath is an electrically insulating sheath that covers the axons of many neurons. It allows connections between neurons to become fundamental in the future. Those connections that are rarely used are not overgrown with myelin, which means you will not use them in the future.
This can be compared to wires. If a child often thinks about something, this connection between neurons gradually becomes a thick rubberized wire through which electrical impulses easily pass, which means they are easy to use. If a child rarely thinks about something, such connections between neurons are like thin, constantly breaking wires. And if the wires are thin and break, your thoughts will only run along good and thick “wires”.
If your parents regularly made decisions for you and said that it was better this way, a thick neural connection appeared in your brain: “Do as your parents say.” The brain tends to use old and strong connections more often, in any life circumstances. Most often we think in terms of old and thick “wires”!
This is why people are so conservative and it is so difficult for them to change their habits, character and type of thinking.
Yes, of course, you may have other connections in your brain, for example: "Making conscious choices is healthy and right". But if this connection is subtle, in order to take advantage of it, you need to make a conscious decision (i.e. FORCE yourself to think this way). If you don’t make this decision, you will think according to the old program.
A child’s brain, its main connections between neurons, are formed before the age of four. By the age of seven, they are completely overgrown with myelin, and we get a person with a formed character and destiny. In the future, it will be extremely difficult to change anything in his thinking and character.
And even if you think that your parents are not involved in the formation of your life principles, habits, restrictions, etc. - they are still involved!
That is why, if our cadet fails to complete some course assignment and achieve her goal, we work with Forgiveness and Reprogramming. If she responsibly works on her complexes and problems, she will be able to convince herself that this opinion of hers is not correct and is leading her to failures in life. This means you need to make CONSCIOUS efforts to change your habit.
And the methods of different psychological schools are used to help her. If a cadet works responsibly on herself, after 45 days she will form a new connection between neurons that she needs, which she gradually begins to use out of habit.
This is how we form a new character and a new destiny.
Where do new and useful connections between neurons come from?
First you need to understand the REASONS for your strange and unnecessary behavior.
It is clear that my cadets do not remember themselves before the age of four, so they need to remember all the later life situations that formed their bad habit. By remembering and rewriting ALL these situations (starting from today and gradually moving into the past) from the position of an adult and successful individual (and this is a long process), the cadets themselves program themselves to use the new connection between neurons.
What’s funny is that academician A. Ukhtomsky proposed changing our habits with the help of constant conscious influence on them back in the first half of the 20th century, before it was clarified how our brain is structured and works. The science of neurobiology has fully confirmed his discoveries.
In fact, any person already understands how to influence their character and change habits. These things are obvious and undeniable.
But why doesn't a person do this?
Because he needs a program to help him in this useful activity. Clear, systematic, influencing precisely the formation of new stable connections between neurons. Working with our course "DAO: The Way of a Woman" From the first day of school, you will form new and useful attitudes in your brain, and also support each other on our project. And what’s important is to write interim reports, which is also very good for forming useful habits.
Why can't I achieve something in life?
"Good afternoon, Oksana! Thank you for the information you provide in your books and newsletter!
Answer to the question:
My dislike for myself at the moment lies in the fear of expressing myself, my virtues, capabilities and qualities, both professional and personal. The idea that I still need to work on myself, that I’m not good enough, and it’s too early to show myself. All from the series “they don’t show half the work to a fool.” On the other hand, “there is no limit to perfection.” This is a popular double-edged sword: responsibility for one’s work means self-doubt.”Elena.
Elena, it is important to understand that some harmful connections between neurons are formed in a person under the influence of stress. And in the future they seriously influence his character. For example, this connection: “Why try if it doesn’t work anyway.”
Look here, from Irina’s previous letter:
“...They sent me to dance, they kicked me out of there in disgrace: “She will never learn.” My parents sent me to an art school... I didn’t like it there... And my mother always told me: “You won’t succeed, your hands are weak.” from that place."
The child experienced shame, and from the people closest to him. Didn't live up to their hopes. The stress is severe, which means a strong connection between neurons: “Why try if nothing works anyway?”. This is how the human brain strives to protect you from future stress, depriving you of the opportunity to do something - after all, they will scold you anyway, so it’s better not to try. You unconsciously do not allow yourself to become better.
Therefore, I no longer like anything in the drawing circle, and there is no interest in studying. Although they may have the ability to draw...
One cadet described to me how her mother taught her to play the piano. She screamed all the time and said what a stupid student she was. As a result, the daughter never learned anything, although she has excellent musical abilities... Having worked with the course materials, understanding and forgiving her mother and herself, she is now successfully studying classical guitar, and is already performing in public (everyone is in crisis, but her income is growing :)).
How does the brain not allow a person to do something?
With the help of cortisol - the stress hormone.
Do you want to do something new or complete your business? It won't work, because... your brain will protect you by giving you a dose of cortisol.
So a person, without even realizing it, will sabotage his work. You will experience anxiety, and thoughts will unconsciously swirl in your head: “We still need to work on ourselves. I’m not good enough, it’s too early to show myself...”
Elena, so that new connections appear between neurons, for example: "I know and accept my shortcomings, and work on my strengths", or “I’m already good enough, and I believe in myself! I allow myself to get what I want!..”- you need to figure out within a couple of months where your self-doubt came from - find situations in the past that provoked such thoughts. And if there are grievances from the past, it means that these connections were formed under the influence of stress.
If you get rid of grievances, you will allow yourself to do new things and get results from your actions.
I don't like myself because I eat too much!
"Good afternoon, Oksana!
In the last issue of the newsletter, you asked to write about the reasons for not loving yourself. My reason is that I just can’t force myself to eat less and eat healthy food. Because of this, I don’t lose weight, I get upset - and I want to eat again. It turns out to be some kind of vicious circle..."Regards, Anastasia.
Cortisol is a good thing. When its level in the blood rises, a person seeks to understand what he is doing wrong. And it's good when we unconsciously withdraw our hand from the hot stove.
But sometimes this protection is completely useless and even harmful.
For example, you remembered your boss who scolded you for a poorly completed report. A feeling of anxiety arises. And life experience tells you that chocolate will bring a feeling of comfort. When eating, “happiness hormones” enter a person’s bloodstream. The feeling of newfound comfort distracts you from your worries, and it seems that when you eat, the threat recedes.
Consciousness tells you that chocolate did not solve the problem, but the molecules of “joy hormones” create new neural connections. The next time you think about your harmful boss again, an electrical impulse runs along the previously created neural pathway, forcing you to remember that it would be nice to eat something fatty and sweet... Having eaten and enjoyed it, you strengthen this neural connection.
Yes, you consciously understand that chocolate (pancakes, donuts, etc.) does not solve problems. But your vile brain is already working at full capacity, and as soon as you experience a feeling of anxiety, how unbearably you want to eat...
But that is not all. After all, you see that your figure is deteriorating, this makes you angry and irritated: "I won't like a man, what a nightmare!" And the stress hormone again enters the blood.
What to do? That's right, the brain already knows what will help you - you need to eat! And you eat your stress again. It turns out to be a vicious circle, and the person gets fat...
How do we solve such problems in the course?
First, we change the habit. If you want to eat, then you need to do something different. The simplest thing is physical activity. When you exercise, you get endorphins - happy hormones - and this perfectly relieves anxiety and stress.
I squatted 20 times and calmed down. Next time I did push-ups. Then the press shook. I went for a walk. And I don’t want to eat anymore.
But that is not all. With a competent approach, you need a whole range of work on a bad habit. For example, instead of running to eat away stress, you can pick up a notepad and pen and ask yourself: "What caused me to feel anxious? A quarrel with relatives, colleagues, bosses?"
Then you can discuss how to solve this problem in another way. Write these methods, outline solutions. Maybe someone needs to be forgiven. Maybe learn to deal with people differently so that they don’t get offended by you (he will come to your aid). I talked to myself - and I didn’t want to eat. A feeling of calm came. Sometimes it’s enough just to write out your grievances - and they will disappear without a trace.
You can also outline a plan to solve problems:
It is also important to forgive yourself for bad habits and a spoiled figure. If you walk around with a notebook for 45 days, you will definitely want to eat.
And finally, I offer you the story of our cadet, who worked on the topic of self-love through forgiveness of her mother, and what results this brought her in her life. So, a success story
Why don't I love myself?
What makes you feel bad about yourself? Why don't we love ourselves so much? Why do we think that life has failed and our abilities are zero? We sincerely want to correct the situation, accept ourselves, and cannot understand what causes dissatisfaction with our own “I”.
There are many reasons that make you feel negative about yourself. This is, for example, criticism of other people. After all, someone has been evaluating us all our lives! Our friends, family, colleagues or even strangers. And, of course, they are not always correct in their statements. If we take the judgments of others about us and our actions too seriously, and consider their words to be objective truth, then our self-esteem suffers significantly. We ourselves are able to evaluate our life, because it is ours, and we are the ones who know everything about it, including the motives for certain actions that may seem completely unreasonable to someone from the outside.
Often we attach great importance to certain events in our lives. For some, work is very important, for others family. And if something doesn’t go well in an area of life that is significant to us, if we are haunted by one failure after another, self-esteem inevitably falls. Do you put all your effort into your job but can't get a promotion? A lot of thoughts about your own inadequacy arise in your head. It’s important to stop here and think about whether this event is really important in your life? After all, this is not all that it consists of. There are friends with whom you have excellent relationships, loving parents or a wife, and you are also well versed in technology! Life is not limited only to this increase, it is much broader and more diverse. Can't all these advantages overshadow failures at work, which, by the way, will not last forever?
Another reason for low self-esteem is too high expectations from ourselves. We take on an overwhelming amount of work, and we also want to get it done in the shortest possible time! As a result, we fail to achieve the required result, and we lose faith in our abilities, but do not appreciate the complexity of the task. After all, no one could cope in our place!
Self-esteem is also closely related to loneliness. Humans are social creatures; we simply need relationships with our own kind. Imagine a situation where a person lives alone, he has no friends, he does not maintain contact with his family, in a word, he is completely alone. Looking at this situation from the outside, we will most likely say that such a person is inferior. This is the opinion of society, and we ourselves feel deprived of something when there are no close people nearby, when no one can support us in difficult times. Perhaps in these moments thoughts will flash through our heads that since we have not been able to establish relationships with anyone, we are not worthy of respect and love. These thoughts need to be driven away from yourself, and the sooner the better. Due to the inability to communicate and establish contacts, many feel isolated and realize that they are deprived of some important part of life, which means they feel inferior. Develop communication skills, be open to other people and don't be afraid to take the initiative.
Our low self-esteem can be caused by various reasons, but if we are aware of this problem and are determined not to give in to it, everything is in our hands! Having understood how and why self-dislike arises, we have a chance to look at the situation in a new way, without illusions and embellishments. The main thing is to start acting and not stop there, because the first step has already been taken!