From the book "Man and Woman. The Secret of Sacred Marriage" by T. Vasilets.
“...The male aggression necessary for survival is nothing more than a unique and natural force. This is a spiritual force and it inevitably evolves...
Why has a man - a spiritual warrior, consciously protecting his beloved woman, protecting the weak, become a rarity?..
The spiritual ignorance of a technocratic society plays a risky game with this powerful and great natural male force. As long as male aggression is mostly an unconscious force and therefore does not have one hundred percent direction, it represents a hellish cauldron, closed with a heavy lid of infantility. The reason for this state of affairs is the absence in Western culture of the necessary initiations-initiations: special initiation rites that could promptly direct the male aggression of a maturing personality in a constructive direction, transforming it into a protective, creative force.
The culture of spiritually developed countries is always rich in initiations. If they are not there, pseudo-initiations are inevitably born - surrogate tests, which are designed to solve the problems of growth and development in their own way, for example, to channel male aggression and use it for inhumane purposes...
...The lack of useful social channels for using natural male aggression leads to the emergence of the so-called passive aggression... Scott Wetzler described the phenomenon of passive aggression in his book How to Live with That Insufferable Man. He called this phenomenon "meek disobedience."
Passive, disguised aggression, according to Wetzler, is the scourge of modern men. “When someone lacks the strength and sources to challenge directly... resistance manifests itself covertly, indirectly... The tragedy of the passive-aggressive man today is that he misinterprets personal relationships as a power struggle and feels powerless... The secret to dating a passive-aggressive man is to correct this misconception and help him feel more powerful,” writes Wetzler.
Wetzler believes that the passive-aggressive defense exists not only in men, but also in women, but it is more common in men. For modern women, an obvious, open form of aggression has become more typical.
Implicit, hidden aggression is expressed in the lack of open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in indecision, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies. Passive aggression is a chronic failure to fulfill contracts and promises in time and substance, putting things off from day to day, and strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality - “You are making everything up,” “You are doing it wrong,” etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answering questions, avoiding the topic proposed by the interlocutor. A passive-aggressive man resorts to these techniques out of fear of being dependent, fear of competition and emotional intimacy. “As a result, he is often in a bad mood, making himself out to be the victim and blaming you,” writes Wetzler. In this case, men exhibit hidden hostility towards women, refusal of responsibility for male social functions and distortion of real facts for this purpose.
S. Wetzler identifies a man’s question addressed to his woman, characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior: “Why should I do anything for you?” This is the same as: “Why does a man - I, but not You? Why I should give you a hand, not You to me? Why at a wedding ceremony I should take you in my arms, not You- me? Why I should propose marriage to you, not You to me?"
In life, this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression; it has not yet been exposed by public consciousness. This is not yet widely discussed, like, for example, the dangers of smoking. Passive aggression thrives as a socially tolerated form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply penetrates into all areas of human relationships, therefore it is especially toxic and destructive for both business and any interpersonal contacts.
“Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his...indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does doesn't make sense to you or makes you angry... that's passive aggression.
...The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? ...A passive-aggressive man... is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive. The paradox is that he abandons his aggression when it manifests itself.”
Here are two examples from S. Wetzler’s numerous observations of the manifestations of passive aggression in men: “... He tries to make you doubt yourself... “You were mistaken about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. This is exactly why I started a diary. Yes, one o'clock in the afternoon suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Call me if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” Well, how can you not lose your temper!” Wetzler writes: “One woman told me that her husband painted half the window frames in their bedroom and has been promising to finish the job for two years. When guests ask why the frames are gray and white, she replies: “The phone rang.” For years she has tried to use a sense of humor to suppress her irritation and disappointment, but the unfinished work is always before her eyes.”
Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose mental needs were not satisfied... The personality of any person - man or woman - contains both masculine and feminine properties. In every woman there is a hidden masculine principle - Animus, in every man - a hidden feminine principle - Anima. Their internal content is heterogeneous - they consist of parts, certain substructures, each of which performs certain functions in the inner world of a person. It is convenient to denote these parts by representing them as characters. A woman's animus is formed on the foundation of images of her father and other male figures that replace him, real or imaginary. A man’s anima arises from the image of his mother and the images of other women, both real and those arising in his inner world.
The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity as a powerful protective force. Growing up, he remains painfully dependent on both his real mother and image mother, formed in his personality. Carrying this maternal image within himself as the only well-functioning defense mechanism, a man looks for the same figure in the women he meets - this is how he childishly strives for security. Such a man strives for women who are “saviors” or “administrators.” This dependence leads the passive-aggressive man to depend on many external objects, including social structures that provide “care.”
A healthy male strategy is that a woman should be conquered through inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats. He suffers from a painful dependence on the assessments of others, an obsessive need for acceptance on their part, especially on the part of women. At the same time, he seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He may also devalue many things that are significant to him. This is how the desire to gain masculine strength, freedom and independence is distortedly reflected in the behavior of an immature man.
So, a passive-aggressive man is an immature man who has yet to connect with his natural masculine spiritual strength and inner femininity that heals and replenishes masculine strength...
... Any man has natural aggression from the very beginning. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a kind of internal “bomb”. And if this “bomb” resides in the area of the unconscious, that is, while male aggression is not conscious and its vector is not yet directed towards defense, it, being suppressed (passive) or manifested openly in the form of an explosion, is capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and and the world around him. A mature man differs from a passive-aggressive man in that he is in contact with his natural male aggression and knows how to purposefully use it to protect the feminine and children's worlds, to protect his interests and the interests of those for whom he has taken responsibility.
In Chrétien de Troyes' myth "The Holy Grail" - a unique illustration of the ascent of the masculine principle to the highest stages of maturity - there is a Red Knight. He personifies uninitiated natural male aggression. The Red Knight is dressed in red clothes, even his armor and horse blanket are red. The natural force in the person of the Red Knight is still unbridled and sows evil. The Red Knight openly enjoys his superiority, humiliates and plunders until the hero of the myth - Parsifal (meaning "naive fool"), traveling in search of his masculine destiny, defeats him. Robert A. Johnson, analyzing the myth of the “Holy Grail” in his book “He. Deep Aspects of Male Psychology,” notes that every man on the path to his maturity will have win your inner Red Knight. In other words, every man has to convert natural male aggression into a powerful protective function, otherwise the Red Knight will completely take over and make his personality overwhelming everyone and everything.
...Women have no idea what a long and difficult path (a man) must go through from his dear, irreplaceable, caring mother and embark on a path of trials that is completely different from the one she has traversed, where it is no longer possible to use either maternal experience or advice. From this point of view, it can be noted that a girl should try to be like her mother, while a boy should learn to be different from her...
Rough male power, being uninitiated, paradoxically, leads men to self-doubt, isolation and alienation from their own feelings. This alienation leads to a loss of contact with the female part of the personality - with the world of the Soul, where not only feelings live, but also the inspiring and healing powers of his Inner Woman, which are so necessary for any man. Separated from their Soul, men seek contact with it through numerous contacts with real women.
Male maturity is manifested primarily in how a man relates to woman and children. If the need to protect them and take care of them becomes his deepest need, that is, if a man achieves in his development such a fullness of male protective will, which forms a natural for him giving, outgoing flow, we can talk about male maturity. So in the inner world - the mature masculine principle, first of all, protects femininity. Only when protected, femininity (Soul) is able to “spread its wings” and give its protector the divine experience of flight!
...A man who grew up in conditions of a deficiency of male protection and an exaggerated maternal principle has infantile (immature) masculinity, from which he himself and modern society as a whole suffer. And since many men from childhood receive a distorted, surrogate feminine principle, depressive and depressed, on the one hand, and on the other, overloaded with the masculine traits of the mother, such a man would rather win or destroy than protect the woman.
The insecure female part of the male personality turns on hypermaternal functions for its protection. A man whose anima contains an overdeveloped hypermaternal structure suffers from an unconscious obsessive desire to free himself from its influence and reject its controlling essence. He gets stuck at the stage of separation - separation from the parental family. Such stuckness can take not only the form of depression, alcohol or drug addiction, but also look like neurotic nihilism (denial of any values, norms, rules), or results in frequent changes of places of work and residence. A man can unconsciously express this protest through a series of unsuccessful marriages, tirelessly fighting with his wives instead of defeating the suppressive feminine aspect within himself. Men who are not mature enough unconsciously perceive women with hostility and/or caution. It seems to them that, having won their recognition, they should either separate or free themselves from women, since a woman is unconsciously perceived primarily as controlling mother, or beat them in competition if a woman is unconsciously perceived as sister.
The desire to defeat your internal hypermaternal structure, to free yourself from its influence, can become chronic and, reaching the point of neurotic obsession, manifest itself in the need to “revenge” not only on women, but also on the world as a whole.
It is very important to trust your instincts at the initial stage of a relationship, because most often an aggressive man shows his true essence when he is already sure that the woman will not run away from him.
What is the behavior of an aggressive man? How to recognize it in the early stages of a romantic relationship? What signs in behavior indicate a person’s tendency towards aggression and violence?
Every woman should know the answers to these questions so that it is not too late to find out who a man really is and end the relationship sooner rather than later.
Signs of a man prone to aggression
- He is unreasonably jealous and suspicious
Jealousy is not always a sign of love, more often a sign of the presence of complexes and emotional instability. A self-confident man, even if he is jealous, will not create scenes and scandals when the guy at the next table just looks at you.
- Likes to control his woman
He wants to know everything about you, especially where and with whom you spent every minute of your day. He doesn't like it when you meet with colleagues after work, he reads your SMS, tries to participate in every area of your life. For example, he may insist on picking you up from work even if you don't want to.
- He doesn't respect his woman
He does not respect any woman in the world and will not treat his own differently - this is the reality. He doesn’t listen to her and demonstratively ignores her opinion. Double standards are also a sure sign of aggressiveness. If he treats his woman well and treats others poorly, this means that sooner or later he will show his essence.
- Easily loses his temper over little things
An overly irritable man who has poor self-control may also behave with his woman, but not immediately, but as soon as he feels comfortable in her environment, when he understands that she belongs to him, that she is in love with him, for example, or has become his wife.
- Often uses exaggeration in speech
This indicates a tendency to extremes in a person's character. For people like him, everything is either black or white (more often than not, black), there is no such thing as gray. He doesn’t know what compromise is, he doesn’t know how to negotiate or listen to other people.
- Prefers rapid development of relationships
Numerous studies have shown that aggressive men are most often in favor of rapid development of relationships. They don’t want to wait, the woman must belong to him as soon as possible, because this is the only way he can control her and dictate his rules to her. Women often complain that men are slow to propose marriage, but when he does it too early, it's a good reason to think and analyze your relationship. It happens that this is really love, but if he also shows other signs described in this article, then there is no need to rush.
- Tries to limit your communication with family and friends
He wants his woman only for himself and as the relationship develops, he shows more and more hostility when the woman communicates with other people from her environment. When the relationship becomes serious, or after the wedding, he simply forbids her such contacts.
- Mood often changes radically
Mood changes for all of us, but only in a psychologically unstable person can it change abruptly, often for no apparent reason.
- Uses threats and blackmail to control
“If you don’t do this, then I will...”, a common phrase that sounds from the mouth of an aggressive man. He loves for everything to always be exactly the way he wants it, while he may not use physical violence; psychological aggression is no less terrible.
- Blames others for his problems
For him, everyone is to blame, but not himself. He is perfect and always does everything right. As time passes, he begins to shift more and more blame onto his woman, he makes her feel bad, often humiliates and violates his own dignity. This is a method of control using psychological aggression.
- He has a negative attitude towards women
He often scolds his ex-wives or girlfriends, says nasty things about them and generally considers women “venal” or uses other unflattering words, this means that he already has a certain image of women in his head, and the chance that he really considers you different is minimal. Most likely, he hopes that he will limit and “train” you so that you fit his idea of the right woman.
- He is aggressive towards animals and children
A person who can show violence towards defenseless creatures will not refrain from showing the same attitude towards his woman in the future. If he allows aggression towards the defenseless, you need to urgently run away from such a man and as far as possible.
- He is rude and disrespectful to others
If a man behaves well with his woman, but at the same time treats others poorly, this is a sure sign of aggressiveness, because at the beginning of the relationship he will not show his true essence to his woman, but with others he behaves as usual. Pay special attention to how he treats the service personnel of various establishments, be it a hotel or a restaurant.
An aggressive man believes that if he has paid something for something, then he can behave as he wants. He has the same attitude towards women; if he spent some of his money on her, he often already considers her his property.
Of course, you can sympathize with such people, because most often such behavior is the result of psychological trauma in childhood, growing up in a family with the same aggressive father, but this does not mean that you can somehow help him. Here you need the help of a professional psychologist, and there is no need to selflessly try to somehow survive in a relationship with an aggressive man because “he feels bad.” This is a mistake many women make. Be smarter and more selective in relationships.
There is such knowledge that is vitally necessary. As long as a person does not have an idea of some phenomenon, as long as he lacks a conceptual apparatus, the phenomenon can happen to him, but there will be no understanding of what is happening. Knowledge about manipulation and passive aggression is vital knowledge that should be taught even to children. I highly recommend books: George Simon "Who's in Sheep's Clothing?" and Albert Bernstein's Emotional Vampires.
"Manipulators are the type of people who are willing to make any effort to achieve their goal, but do everything possible to hide their aggressive intentions.[...]
When emotional suffering causes victims of hidden aggression to seek help for the first time, they usually have little idea why they feel so bad: they simply feel confused, anxious or depressed. However, gradually they come to understand that the presence of a certain person in their life is driving them crazy. They don't trust this person, but they can't explain why. They are angry with him, but at the same time they themselves feel guilty. They try to conflict with him because of his behavior, but ultimately they themselves find themselves on the defensive. People feel depressed and desperate because they make concessions when they intended to insist, and they say “yes” when they want to say “no,” and all attempts to change the situation are in vain. Contact with such a person always leaves them with a feeling of confusion, a feeling that they have been used. [...]
Hidden and passive aggression
Passive aggression, as the phrase itself implies, is aggression in inaction. Examples of passive aggression include various ways of taking emotional “revenge” on another person - refusing to cooperate with him, boycotting, showing resentment and dissatisfaction, complaining and whining, deliberately “forgetting” because you are angry or do not consider yourself obligated to cooperate, etc.
Hidden aggression, on the contrary, is very active, although it looks veiled. When someone acts covertly aggressive, they use calculated and cunning ways to get their way or get a desired reaction, but at the same time skillfully hide their intentions. [....]
It is extremely important to learn to see the inherent aggressiveness in manipulative behavior and to recognize the clever techniques with which manipulators direct their aggression in our direction. [...]
We are pre-programmed to believe that problem behavior only occurs when a person is experiencing a storm of emotion or is seriously anxious about something. We were taught that people only act aggressively in response to some form of attack. Therefore, even when our instinct tells us that someone is attacking us for no good reason, simply trying to get the better of us, we are not ready to heed the warnings of our inner voice. As a rule, we are puzzled, trying to understand what has annoyed this person so much, forcing him to act so unbalanced. We immerse ourselves in analyzing the situation instead of simply responding to an attack. It almost never occurs to us that this may simply be a person’s desire to win what he needs, to insist on his own, or to become the master of the situation. And when we see him first and foremost as a victim, we get stuck trying to understand him instead of taking care of ourselves.[...]
How to recognize manipulation and control techniques *
Understatement.
This technique is a unique fusion of denial and rationalization. With its help, the aggressor tries to convince others that his behavior is not as harmful and irresponsible as someone might think. This is an attempt to make a molehill out of an elephant. Understatement clearly highlights the difference between a neurotic and a character disordered person. A neurotic often makes a mountain out of a molehill, that is, he “catastrophizes” what is happening. An individual with character disorders often seeks to present his wrongful actions as something insignificant. The purpose of this technique is to make the person who is trying to resist the manipulator consider his criticism too harsh and exaggerated, and his assessment of the situation as unfair. Minimizing is not so much a way of reassuring yourself about your own behavior as it is a way of manipulating your impression of that behavior. They don't want you to see them as outright scoundrels. It is important to remember that they themselves are quite happy with their aggressive behavior, so the main task here is to convince you that there is nothing reprehensible in their behavior.
Lie.
Manipulators and other individuals with character disorders have refined lying to a high art. It is important to remember that individuals with character disorders lie often, sometimes simply for sport, and do it willingly even when it would be entirely possible to get by with the truth. Lies by default- a very elusive type of lie used by manipulators. The same can be said about lie by distortion. The manipulator withholds an important part of the truth or distorts some essential elements in order to leave you in the dark. One of the most subtle types of distortion is vagueness. This is a favorite tactic of manipulators. They carefully craft the story to make it seem like you have the information, but at the same time omit important details that would allow you to reconstruct the whole picture.
Negation.
Denial is the abuser's refusal to acknowledge harmful or hurtful actions that he has clearly committed. Thus, he lies (both to himself and to others) about his aggressive intentions. Reception "Who am I?!" makes the victim, who is trying to resist the aggressor, doubt the validity of his actions. In addition, the aggressor thereby gives himself permission to continue in the same spirit. The manipulative technique of denial is a maneuver through which the aggressor forces those around him to stop, retreat, and perhaps even blame himself for injustice.
Selective inattention.
The aggressor ignores warnings, requests, desires of others and, more broadly speaking, everything that can distract him from the implementation of his intentions. Using the “I don’t want to hear about it!” technique, the aggressor, as a rule, knows perfectly well what you need from him. With this technique, he actively resists attempts to attract his attention and force him to refrain from behavior that needs correction.
Rationalization.
Rationalization is the bully's attempt to justify behavior that he knows was inappropriate and harmful. This technique can be very effective, especially if the explanation or justification sounds meaningful enough for any decent person to believe it. Rationalization not only removes internal obstacles, muffling the remorse that the aggressor might have, but also allows him to avoid accusations from other people. If the aggressor manages to convince you that his actions are justified, this frees his hands and allows him to continue moving towards his goal without interference.
Evasion.
A moving target is more difficult to hit. When we try to push the manipulator to the wall, or keep the discussion on something that does not suit us, he brilliantly changes the subject, evades and fusses. Magicians have long known that if you distract the viewer's attention, you can completely unnoticed hide something in your pocket or remove it from there. Manipulators use distraction and evasion techniques to confuse us, preventing us from focusing on their behavior and calmly continuing with their hidden intentions. Sometimes this happens subtly. You can argue with a manipulator on a very important issue, and a minute later catch yourself inexplicably slipping into a discussion of a completely different topic.
Prevarication.
With the help of this technique, closely related to evasion, the manipulator tries not to allow himself to be driven into a corner by giving random answers to a direct question or otherwise obfuscating the topic. An implicit but effective option for prevarication is deliberate vagueness. Hidden-aggressive individuals masterfully give vague answers to simple, “head-on” questions. Here you need to keep your eyes open: sometimes the vagueness is not obvious, and you think that you have received the answer, although this is not the case.
Hidden threat.
Aggressors often threaten their victims to maintain a state of anxiety, intimidation, and compliance. They put forward counter-arguments with such force and passion that they force their opponents to go on the defensive. As for covertly aggressive individuals, they intimidate their victims mainly veiled threats. This allows you to force others to defend themselves without openly threatening or demonstrating obvious hostility. For covertly aggressive individuals, it is important to get their way while saving face.
Inducing feelings of guilt.
This is one of the two favorite techniques in the arsenal of hidden aggressive individuals (the second is an appeal to conscience). This is a special type of intimidation. Aggressive individuals know very well that other people (especially neurotics) are very different from them in the structure of their conscience. They also know that a full-fledged conscience is accompanied by a developed ability to experience shame and guilt. Manipulators masterfully use their knowledge to present themselves as more respectable than the victim and thereby drive him into a subordinate position, causing him to worry and doubt himself. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.
Aggressive personalities of all stripes often and effectively use guilt pressure for manipulation, which serves as an excellent illustration of the fundamental differences in character between them and all other personality types (especially neurotics). The manipulator only needs to hint to a conscientious person that he is not caring enough, too selfish, etc., and the victim immediately begins to feel terrible. On the contrary, a conscientious person can try until he is blue in the face to force the manipulator (or an aggressive person, or a person with a character disorder) to feel remorse, admit the wrongfulness of his actions, take responsibility - everything will be in vain.
Reproach, or appeal to conscience.
It is a way of reinforcing another person's self-doubt or fear through subtle sarcasm and demeaning criticism. Covert-aggressive individuals use this technique to make the enemy feel inferior, unworthy, and ultimately make concessions. This is a good way to create an inescapable feeling of inferiority in the weaker party, which allows the aggressor to maintain a dominant position for as long as desired.
Hidden-aggressive individuals skillfully use appeals to conscience in its most subtle form. Sometimes this technique slips through only in a glance or intonation. Through rhetoric, subtle sarcasm, and other methods, they can make you feel a burning shame for even attempting to challenge them.
Playing the role of the victim.
The essence of this technique is to present yourself as a victim of circumstances or someone else's actions in order to evoke sympathy, arouse pity and thereby receive something from others. One of the principles that covertly aggressive individuals rely on is that less hostile and insensitive people usually cannot bear to watch someone suffer. So, this technique is very simple: convince your victim that you are suffering in one way or another, and he will try to alleviate your suffering. The ease with which one can play on the sympathy of conscientious, sensitive, caring people is their weak point.
Denigration of the victim.
This technique is often used in conjunction with playing the role of the victim. The aggressor uses it to pretend that he is only responding to aggression from the true victim - that is, defending himself. This helps the aggressor force the victim to defend himself. The technique of denigrating the victim is the most powerful tool for making someone unconsciously defensive and at the same time masking their own aggressive intentions and actions.
Disguise as service.
Covert-aggressive individuals use this technique to hide selfish plans under the guise of serving a noble goal. This is a common, but difficult to recognize tactic. Under the guise of hard work for the benefit of others, covertly aggressive individuals smuggle in their own ambition, lust for power and desire to occupy a dominant position.
Projecting guilt (blaming others).
Aggressive individuals are always looking for ways to shift responsibility for their aggressive behavior onto others. Covert-aggressive individuals are not only excellent at finding scapegoats, but they do it so subtly that it is difficult to catch them by the hand.
Ostentatious innocence.
The manipulator demonstrates ostentatious innocence when he tries to convince you that any damage he caused was accidental or that he did not do what he is accused of. This technique is designed to make you doubt your assessment of the situation and perhaps even your sanity. Sometimes this tactic is so subtle that it appears only as an expression of surprise or indignation on the manipulator's face at the moment when he confronts you. But even the facial expression is designed to make you wonder, in hindsight, whether you were right to point out this person's bad behavior.
Displayed ignorance or embarrassment.
This technique is closely related to ostentatious innocence and looks like this: the manipulator acts as if he is aware of what you are talking about, or is confused by the important issue to which you are trying to attract his attention. Thus, the manipulator is “playing the fool”, trying to force you to doubt your sanity. All types of individuals with character disorders tend to resort to ostentatious ignorance or embarrassment. This is a very effective way to veil your malicious intent. Remember that all individuals with character disorders (and especially aggressive individuals) are very purposeful individuals who strive to achieve their intentions at all costs and use the described techniques consciously, prudently and intentionally. Although they will often claim that they “don’t know” what you mean when you make these claims, or “don’t understand at all” why they did something you found offensive, it’s important not to fall for this ploy of perceived ignorance.
Demonstrative anger.
According to conventional wisdom, anger is an involuntary emotional reaction that precedes aggression. But deliberate displays of anger can be a very effective and well-calculated tool of intimidation, coercion and ultimately manipulation.
Moreover, when it comes to the behavior of an aggressive person, it would be a mistake to assume that anger necessarily precedes aggression. Aggressive individuals use open expressions of anger to intimidate and manipulate others. Initially they have no anger. They just want what they want and get angry when they don't get it. In this case, they begin to use any techniques to remove the obstacle from the path. Sometimes the most effective technique is to demonstrate sufficient emotional intensity and fury to shock the other person into submission." (c)
From D. Simon's book "Who's in Sheep's Clothing?"
* given with my abbreviations.
I will add on my own behalf.
Reading Simon's book for the first time, I caught myself thinking, how can I understand who is the manipulator and who is the victim? I often come across such a phenomenon as “everyone has their own truth.”
Now I have an answer to this question. In interpersonal relationships between two people, it is possible to determine what social roles they have. For example, mother-daughter, husband-wife, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, friend-friend, boss-subordinates, grandmother-grandson, etc. Each role has an obvious set of functions unique to that role. Anyone who does not perform functions in accordance with his social role is manipulating.
For example, a child has problems with school performance. The mother learns the homework, the grandmother helps with the homework (practically she does it herself) - in this case the child manipulates. Another thing is that in this story, for some reason, one of the members of the family system needs it. But more on that another time.
Everything about passive aggression: signs, reasons, help.
A person who suppresses anger and irritation looks for nonverbal ways to express displeasure. The only way to reduce internal tension and at the same time meet the expectations of others is through passive aggression. This kind of compromise between “want” and “should” distinguishes pessimism and inaction.
Main features
Passive aggressiveness in men manifests itself in postponing matters and making decisions. They are extremely dismissive of deadlines and act according to their ideas about time, without caring about the promises they make.
People who tend to be passive aggressive can often see themselves as innocent victims who are being unfairly treated or oppressed.
Another symptom is tricks aimed at gaining everyone's attention. Even if for this others will have to wait for the hero of the occasion who did not appear at the appointed time.
It is noteworthy that this type of personality looks for any excuse for a quarrel with loved ones. So they try to keep their distance and not let you get closer to them.
In women and children this takes the form of fear of responsibility. They long to live their lives on their own terms, without being limited or controlled. Inactivity is often excused as forgetfulness.
Another fear is addiction. To cope with it, a person will try to control and command others.
A person with signs of passive aggression rarely admits his mistakes, even if his guilt is obvious. He will blame those around him, the circumstances and, most surprisingly, demand that the “culprit” be found and punished.
Very often you can notice a quick switch from hostility, disobedience (in children) for repentance. They tend to exaggerate their failures and complain constantly, which creates the impression of a gloomy person, always dissatisfied with life.
Causes of passive aggression
Passive aggressive traits should not be considered mental , but we must admit that this in itself is a problem. This not only has a detrimental effect on the individual, but also causes suffering to others.
The main reason lies in the social or family atmosphere, where it is not customary to express desires and needs, which are perceived as a manifestation of selfishness. Such upbringing on a subconscious level instills the idea that wanting something is unacceptable in principle.
How to help someone with signs of passive aggression
The methods described below are effective, but do not guarantee complete elimination of the complex. Each person is unique, so standard methods may not always give a positive result. In such cases, an individual approach is required specialist.
It is necessary to understand that a passive aggressive person, while expressing aggression, nevertheless tries to protect those around him from himself, so do not provoke his militant spirit.
Avoid taking on a dominant role. This will only increase tension and cause conflict. Instead, lay out the different options and let the person make the choice for themselves.
A passive aggressive person is unwilling to take responsibility and commitment. This needs to be clearly understood. Do not try to provoke situations where the successful outcome of events will depend only on him.
Do not force what he does not accept. Let him live a free life according to his definition of freedom.
A passive aggressive person will cause irritation with his behavior - this is natural. But you can only help with a gentle and calm attitude towards the person and a gradual push towards the formation of a new model of behavior.
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A month and a half ago I couldn’t stand it and complained to my mother. Of course, she is on my side in any situation. He will never say that I am wrong. He won't judge. But I really want to understand what to do next. Maybe I'm to blame for what happened to me.
I have problems with my husband. I cannot explain to him that we live in a world where money is needed to live normally, as a human being.
I recently returned to work after maternity leave. I wanted to return to my old place. We agreed to meet with the boss. He said that, of course, come out, but we need to discuss some details. I returned back under good conditions. I had to leave in about a month.
And suddenly he calls me a week after the meeting - to take me on the terms that he could not agree on. A crisis. No money. I have a place, but it will just be a salary. And these are pennies (this is 0.1 bets and that’s all).
I went to quit my job.
A man from another department intercepted me. I asked you not to quit, but the money situation is difficult, but we need you. We can pay the amount N. Then it will be higher. And I agreed.
To be honest, I didn’t want to look for a new job. Because of the child. If he gets sick, for example, I simply have no one to leave him with. And here there will be no problems with this. Everyone knows me as a specialist, plus they treat sick leave with understanding, work from home when necessary, and we’ll help with the rest. I decided to work while the child is little, and then I’ll see how it goes.
And so I come to my husband and say that I’m losing money, but now I won’t be able to find a job with a high salary. He himself will not want to sit on sick leave. So that's it for now. What do we do?
He got angry that I was so mercantile and calculating.
Before maternity leave, I had a good job with a high salary. My husband has a job he loves, but the money is not very good. It didn't bother me at all. This began to influence me after a 3-year maternity leave. While on maternity leave, I did not depend on my husband. I had savings, plus I received benefits for a year and a half, plus maximum maternity leave. They left within 3 years.
I did not spend it entirely on myself, as is commonly believed that a wife’s money is only her money, and her husband’s money is common money.
That is, the husband did not have to support the entire family after the birth of the child. We both contributed. I never asked him for money for children’s clothes, furniture, car seats, I did the repairs entirely on my own.
And when I was faced with the situation that I had no money, we started a conflict.
The most offensive thing is that he blames me. Plus there is no praise for this. I’m a bad mother, I’m a bad wife, I’m a bad housewife, I’m a bad driver (he doesn’t drive himself).
At some point I felt offended. This resentment is choking.
The resentment hit me when I got sick. My mother called me and realized from the conversation that I was sick (I had sinusitis). These are headaches and pain all over the face. An unpleasant disease. It turned out that I got sick at the wrong time. A lot of money.
After she asked where my husband was looking, I burst into tears (I actually burst into tears, burst into tears). It just suddenly struck me, my husband seemed to be gone. If you get sick, it means you’re not living the right way, correct your mistakes and you won’t get sick - this is the husband’s position.
Mom donated money. I started treatment. I've recovered. It's a shame that I had to resort to the help of my parents. But my mother said that I am their child, don’t you dare be shy.
Constantly need money. The husband lives in his own world. The child grows, and the expenses for him grow with him. But my husband doesn’t seem to understand this.
I don't want gold, diamonds and fur coats. I want to travel with my child, at least around Russia, for starters. Show him the capital, St. Petersburg.
I've never been there myself! I want to see at least these cities first. I dream of visiting the museums of these cities with my child. Crap, to Red Square. Yes, it’s so banal, but when he gets a little older, I want to go with him.
I understand that I won’t have this with my husband. I understand that I won’t be able to fully support my family, but my husband doesn’t want to. He was offered a job for good money. But in another city. He refused. And I realized then that this was the end. That all his talk about “I want to take care of you, I want a family” is just talk. I understand that it will be easier for me alone. And he seems to be leading me to divorce. With my comments that I am not a capable person for anything.
I grew up in a big family. Our parents loved us. There were also difficult times when the salary was not paid, but if a job appeared for real money, my father did not refuse it.
Now the situation is completely different. They don’t pay here, I’ll go where they pay. But my husband doesn't want to.
That's what I want to understand. Am I really a bad wife for not supporting him? But you understand what's going on. I have a child, a boy, for whom I want a different life. More precisely, I want him to grow up in different conditions, but, of course, he will choose how to live himself. My husband and I are both healthy and strong. We can provide. But he doesn’t want to, he thinks everything is fine. And I don’t want my child to sit in one place. I want trips for him. I do not know how to explain it.
I am responsible for this person, for my child. I want us all to enjoy life, and not count pennies.
Am I mercantile and calculating? Just such a terrible predator? Do I want something beyond?
I don't want a divorce. I don't want him until the very end. I want to understand why this happened.
How to explain to your husband that you need to move forward, that you shouldn’t be afraid to change jobs or cities? I want to support him in this. And don’t sit in one place where you are not valued.”
You are not a predator, of course, but you want the beyond: you want your husband to live and understand life with your mind, to see with your eyes - in other words, you want to live his life for your husband, as if he were your own avatar, and not a person with free will, with by which even God is not bound by freedom.
And now it is noticeable that you have enough passion to live his years for your child - on the high ground that you want the best for him.
Yes, you are a strong, smart, strong-willed woman who knows how to subjugate large pieces of reality to your will, and gets paid for it.
You are a successful, skillful manager. And you are quite understandably indignant when you come across resistance and passive male aggression in your own home.
“Not only is he not a breadwinner, not a protector, but he also sabotages and does not appreciate” - I share your indignation, seriously.
And to let the worthless little man fly away with half a kick is also an understandable emotion.
Because you do so much for your family, but this one sits as he likes and does what he likes, and so that you don’t bother with reproaches, he works to prevent them from doing so, criticizing you in every way.
Now look: you perceive the child and family as a subsidiary project of your “I-company”. But my husband doesn’t accept it. That is, he perceives exactly as you do: the family is a project of his wife’s “I-company,” and not his personal “I-company.”
Because he is not an idiot and sees everything. He sees that the main thing for you is that it be your way. He sees that he himself, as a person with interests and his own leisurely rhythm, does not interest you at all, that you are entirely devoted to your “family” project, in which his husband’s business is a calf: he hummed - and into the bazooka. If you don’t get much here, give up everything and go where they pay more.
But maybe my mother didn’t give birth to me for this,” the husband, from whom dedication and responsibility is required, is offended. He does not want to answer and give on terms dictated by someone.
The husband strives to preserve himself, at least in his own eyes, he acts childishly and disgustingly, but his goal is not to please, not to conquer, but to fight back.
A man in this passive-aggressive mode misinterprets personal relationships as a power struggle and considers himself powerless.
If you don’t want a divorce, as you say, then you need to open your eyes and see your husband as a human being. But in a girlish way, but in a human way.
It was not he who promised, but he himself sits on his ass and does nothing.
Look at him more closely, covering your ears so as not to hear his criticism and offensive attacks.
What kind of temperament does he have? What kind of intelligence. Will he get a higher position? Men hold on to their jobs and do not strive for more when they are unsure of themselves and are afraid of defeat. And if he is not sure, then he will not climb higher, because that is how self-preservation works, and not because he loves this work and is attached to it. Because he’s already gotten used to shielding humiliation from you, and he can’t bear humiliation in his male world.
Take a closer look to see if your expectations from him are realistic or if the guy has reached his current ceiling.
You don’t want a divorce, I understand, but you don’t want it on the condition that this idiot will come to his senses and do as he’s told - earn more so that the child can live better and so that you can live according to what you have planned.
But an imbecile may, firstly, not want to live for the sake of the child, but want to live for the sake of himself, and secondly, he may simply not be able to jump over his head.
He made such a leap anyway - he got a smart, strong, strong-willed female as his wife, and even got used to pushing her around.
Therefore, once again, take a closer look at who you live with, reconsider your expectations and apply the reality factor to them.
In your couple, you are stronger, smarter, and you decide how things should be, whether there should be a family.
And if in moments of girlish weakness you want to hold your arms, then you will either have to draw these arms for him, convince him that they are real, that he can hold and lull you with them,
and only then can you use them when necessary. Or introduce a self-prohibition on "on the handles." Or find these pens elsewhere.