Relationship with a narcissist. Are you willing to tolerate other people's narcissistic traits?

Alyonka (USA)

MENTAL DISORDERS
Part 2 - NARCISSISM
How to recognize them in a person and what to do to protect your own mental health

BEGINNING: PART 1 - PATHOLOGICAL LIES

Narcissism or “I am my universe”
The name of this disorder comes from the hero of Greek mythology Narcissus, who, according to legend, saw his image in the water, with which he fell in love, could not tear himself away from the contemplation of his beauty and died of melancholy. After death, the gods turned the narcissus into a flower.

Usually this disorder is characterized by the patient’s conviction of his own uniqueness, special position, superiority over other people; an inflated opinion of one’s talents and achievements; preoccupation with fantasies about one’s successes; expectation of unconditionally good attitude and unquestioning submission from others; seeking the admiration of others to confirm one’s uniqueness and significance; lack of ability to show empathy; ideas about his own freedom from any rules, that those around him (her) envy.

Psychologists are unanimous in the opinion that the appearance of such a disorder again stems from childhood. The main condition for the development of a narcissistic character: parents do not see (do not want to see) the real child, the new “I” entering this life in its own way, but project their fears, unfulfilled hopes, failures, dreams onto their “product”. This is especially evident in families where they were waiting for the birth of a boy to “continue the family line,” but as luck would have it only girls were born, and now, finally, HE was born! A child raised “with a purpose” will be constantly, explicitly or implicitly, evaluated - and criticized if he does not meet that purpose well enough.

Example in a joke:
- What a nice pair of kids you have. How old are they?
- That's very kind of you. The lawyer is three years old, and the doctor is four and a half years old.

As a result, the adult narcissist cannot tolerate criticism at all and immediately, without rationalizing, throws criticism at the critic or someone who only seems to be criticizing him. This involuntary reaction of rejection is also from childhood.

Communicating, let alone living with narcissists is quite difficult. But they are easy to recognize by their pronounced symptoms.

Typical behavior of a person with narcissism:
. Increased sensitivity to criticism. Responds to criticism with anger and throws it at the critic.
. The image of a victim - I was not given a chance to prove myself/my genius is not understood and unrecognized. This is especially evident in cases of unrequited love - it is possible to create an image of a victim that will be proudly carried throughout life.
. For a narcissist, in essence, there are no people except him. Others are just mirrors confirming the fact of the narcissist’s existence, and this is their purpose and bitter necessity in life.
. Usually he says that everything in life is bad. Requires your participation, attention and support. An emotional vampire - he never gets enough.
. The conviction that “the whole world owes me.” Benefiting from a narcissist or giving him his strength for the benefit of other people is not considered, it’s not even a question at all - after all, he is already a genius and everyone should be grateful to him just for his existence!
. Idealization of people (especially people of the opposite sex they like). The idealized one, however, upon closer examination also turns out to be not without flaws - and instantly depreciates. Many narcissists do not dwell on this disappointment, but quickly look for another object of idealization - and devalue it.
. The narcissist mercilessly exploits and devastates people who feed his sense of identity and self-worth with their validation, admiration and approval. For a narcissist, this is not “feeding”, as is normal, but “main nutrition”. He is tormented by an irresistible narcissistic hunger, since the narcissist is essentially empty inside, his true “I” remains in its infancy, unrecognized by his parents.
. Poor understanding of humor. Takes jokes about himself with offense or ignores them. Incapable of treating himself with humor, incapable of self-criticism.
. He may be a “workaholic” - he loads himself with real or imaginary affairs. Thus, he appears to others as a terribly important and inaccessible person, which in fact is only a fig leaf - often narcissists are subject to severe depression, which they try to hide.
. He loves only himself. If he shows you signs of attention, it means he needs something from you. Usually this is “something” from the “show off” area: power, wealth or external beauty.
. The external side of life is much more important for a narcissist than the internal. He always dresses beautifully and does not deny himself anything. He prefers to make friends with important, rich and beautiful people.
. If he does something for you, it is only with the goal of putting you on an emotional leash, subjugating you in order to control and manipulate - this gives the narcissist a sense of self-confidence, i.e. emotional “nutrition”.
. He will never say that he loves someone. This applies even to the closest people - spouses, children. Remember that this person only loves himself.
. Dramatic. To attract attention to himself, he will dramatize any, even the most ordinary, situation. He uses gestures, sighs, facial expressions (the face of unfortunate Pierrot), ellipses in correspondence, and any other ways to show how bad he feels.
. In cases where you have a really difficult situation, don't expect support. The narcissist is incapable of empathy. He will come up with a distraction and your attention will be paid to him again, even when you feel bad.
. When someone close to them makes a mistake, the narcissist uses the situation to aggrandize himself and to point out to others how insignificant they are. The fact that his own child made a mistake will not stop him - he will be trampled into the dirt.
. If he knows your sore or weak point, he will hit it under the guise of “empathy” or “participation.” As a result, you will feel worse.
. A narcissist will never apologize to anyone. An apology is a sign of weakness in his eyes, as it is an admission of guilt. And the narcissist is never to blame for anything - everyone around him is to blame except him. If you receive an apology, it is usually in such a twisted form that you end up apologizing to the narcissist, he will be able to bring you to this point.
. If a narcissist has the ability to make you feel guilty, he will use it to the bitter end. Even in situations where a normal person would say “no big deal,” the narcissist will not miss the chance to humiliate another.

Fortunately, this pathology is treatable. Unfortunately, treatment is only possible with a professional psychologist; no moral teachings or examples can convince or correct a narcissist. Many narcissists are quite successful people who have achieved heights in politics, finance or any other activity. Outwardly, everything is very good, while they are at the peak of their “grand” dream. But even in this case, the narcissist should not be envied, since the internal cost of narcissistic hunger is rarely visible to the observer.

What should we, non-psychologists, do when we meet such a person? The wife of one of the “narcissists” found out that there is only one way to achieve something from her husband: to prove to him that by doing this and that, he will benefit/improve his image in the eyes of others. Some people, talking about their experience of communicating with narcissists, admit that it was impossible even to work with them in the same office; they had to change jobs.

Here are some tips on how to maintain your mental health:
. Warning: Narcissists are often difficult to recognize immediately. You will only notice the disease when you stop emotionally feeding the narcissist for some reason.
. To make a diagnosis, ask yourself a few questions: Do I feel irritable? Do I often feel depressed? Do I feel devalued and unworthy? Do I take my anger and resentment out on other people? Have I forgotten about myself and no longer do anything pleasant for myself, but only what he needs? If you answer yes, then you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
. Remember that this person cannot be changed. The center of his universe is himself.
. Do not rely on understanding, compassion and ordinary human reactions. The narcissist only pays attention to things that relate to him in some way. This is not just a bad habit, but a component of the disease - cognitive inferiority.
. Indulging in his demands for attention only creates more demands on his part. You have “given in” and become a source of emotional nourishment.
. Rationalization of the narcissist's behavior and pity for such a person will only result in fulfilling his demands and continuing the vicious circle of emotional vampirism. The narcissist does not feel compassion and will not understand your sacrifice, because he got what he wanted!
. Remember that a narcissist will never compromise. He is always right, and you are always to blame for something. Mainly that he is unhappy and feels bad.
. Run, run as far away from the narcissist as possible. I repeat: run without looking back!
. A narcissist will add nothing to your life, he can only consume. Therefore, shake yourself up, break away emotionally and run away from such a person as quickly as possible.
. Remember that you are not obligated to make the narcissist happy - he can only make himself happy. You don't owe him anything.
. The best way is to completely ignore the narcissist on your part if the situation allows.
. Live your life (and you will feel much better about ending the relationship) and be happy!

Thank you all for your attention! I hope the discussion will be interesting.

Recently, a friend told me that she had the opportunity to observe a narcissist, and his behavior made her hate her. This is amazing because she is perhaps the kindest and most caring person I know.

What to do when faced with the unsightly manifestations of narcissism: the inability to empathize, arrogance and arrogance, boasting and delusions of grandeur, the need for constant admiration from others and the tendency to blame everyone around but oneself? Usually, when we experience strong emotions, it is best to discuss them with someone, ideally with the very person who causes these emotions in us. This helps in many situations, but narcissists don't care about our feelings.

Many years ago, I shared my experiences with a narcissistic friend. I spent many hours thinking about how to carefully and carefully express to him everything that was in my soul. I opened up to him, trying to take into account his feelings and psychological state, but in response I received only anger and an endless stream of accusations. So how can you protect yourself from narcissists?

You cannot control or change other people, but you can control yourself and change your own attitude towards what is happening. Narcissists are great at drawing people into their world and making them accept their point of view. Try to notice this as early as possible and take a broader look at the situation.

The person you are communicating with is only one of more than seven billion people on the planet. Why give him power over your emotions?

2. Remember your strengths

List your five greatest strengths and make a plan to use them to protect your psychological well-being when dealing with a narcissist.

3. Avoid "dirt"

Try to control yourself and not give in to the obsessive desire to meet, communicate, or maintain contact with the narcissist. Be smart and find better uses for your time.

4. Benefit from communication

Ask yourself which personality traits of the narcissist bother you most. That you don't see honesty, kindness and modesty in him? Most likely, the strongest reaction is caused by the manifestation of the traits that are most significant to you. Thus, by observing your reaction to the behavior of a narcissist, you can learn more about yourself, and this knowledge will be useful to you in solving your own problems and conflicts.

5. Learn to better understand the behavior of others

When it comes to mild forms of narcissism that do not reach the level of a personality disorder, it is useful to consider the behavior of such a person in the context of his personality strengths: which of them he does not use enough and which, on the contrary, he uses excessively.

However, in the case of severe narcissism (commonly called narcissistic personality disorder), unhealthy patterns of behavior and thinking are deeply rooted in the person's personality and cannot simply be described as a misuse of strengths.

The narcissist doesn't care about your well-being, but he cares about you. You have the right to defend yourself and take care of yourself

A complete lack of empathy cannot be reduced simply to a lack of kindness or social intelligence. Delusions of grandeur, a constant need to be an object of admiration and outbursts of rage at the slightest provocation are not just a lack of self-control.

Another possibility is that narcissists use their personality strengths in inappropriate ways—for example, to manipulate others. Persistence and creativity can also be used for unseemly purposes. The narcissist uses all his strengths for one purpose: to obtain maximum benefit for himself, regardless of others.

The narcissist likely doesn't care about your well-being, but he doesn't care about your well-being. You have the right to defend yourself and take care of yourself.

about the author

RyanNiemec) – psychologist, coach, specialist in mindful meditation, positive psychology. More details on his website.

Narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder is a psychological condition in which a person has inflated self-esteem. In other words, this is pathological self-love, expressed in constant narcissism and attention to one’s own person. It is difficult for such people to socialize because they do not like to communicate and be friends with them. And even the relatives of the narcissist sometimes find it difficult. How to recognize a narcissist among your friends? Is it possible to help him somehow, and is it worth doing? And how not to become a narcissist yourself?

Etymology of the term

Most people by the word “narcissus” mean a flower with snow-white petals and a yellowish center. But the same term is used to describe a narcissistic person. There is a legend that explains the origin of this word. In Greek mythology there was a young man named Narcissus. One day a nymph named Echo fell in love with him, but the guy was too proud to accept the beauty’s pure and sincere love. Then Nemesis, the goddess of retribution, decided to punish him and doomed him to fall in love with his own reflection. And when the young man leaned towards the pond and saw himself in it, he could no longer leave this place. On the shore of the pond he died from suffering and hunger. Later, a flower grew in this place, which was called narcissus.

By the way! The receptacle of the narcissus is slightly tilted downwards, which symbolizes the head of the young man, inclined towards his reflection in the pond.

Now it is more clear who narcissists are. But today this concept is more blurred. It is understood not so much as sensual narcissism as ambitious. The man is more than confident in his superiority. And he is sincerely perplexed if he loses to someone in something. This can cause serious psychological distress, which is why people are calling for a fight against narcissism.

How to recognize a narcissist

Let us highlight the general and most common signs of narcissism, which at different times were formulated by various psychologists based on data from observations of similar individuals.

• Excessive sense of self-importance.
• Lack of response to criticism.
• Direct mockery of those who, in the opinion of the narcissist himself, do not meet the parameters of perfection.
• Demanding increased admiration for yourself and being sincerely surprised if this does not happen.
• A passionate desire to become the very best (rich, beautiful, powerful, etc.).
• Confidence in uniqueness.
• Lack of compassion for others. Perhaps it is present, but it is quickly suppressed by the spontaneously arising desire to admire oneself.
• Confidence in the envy of others.
• A vivid demonstration of imaginary “achievements” that are actually fictions or simply platitudes (I am the tallest, I have the most beautiful mole on my cheek, etc.).
• Arrogant behavior.
• Violent banter with others; Insults are common (so-called negative narcissism).
• Mercantile interests.
• Fear or anger when others try to reproach him for something.
• Disguising your negative traits and sides.
• Focusing on the shortcomings of others, ridiculing them in one's own favor.

You need to understand that narcissists do not act out anything. If they admire themselves, it means they really enjoy it. There is no playing to the public here. Everything is done only for self-satisfaction. Therefore, being offended by narcissists is stupid and useless. They still won't understand the reason for your bewilderment. Therefore, you must either accept them or not communicate at all.

Women

It is generally accepted that it is women who love to engage in narcissism. But this is female nature: a man loves with his eyes, so girls want to look perfect, stunning. Therefore, if a woman often looks in the mirror or fixes her hair, this does not mean that she is a narcissistic person. Psychological disorder manifests itself somewhat differently.

While a girl is young, it is difficult to notice manifestations of narcissism in her behavior. She dresses well, takes care of herself and looks great. And a certain arrogance in her communication even attracts men. By the way, a narcissist woman chooses a caring and gentle partner. One who will admire her. But she may not pay attention to his character, so her man will depend on the opinions of others. She simply does not need someone who is ambitious and decisive, because she will play the main violin in family relationships.

The problems for a narcissistic woman begin when the child appears. This is its beginning, its continuation and its reflection, so it must also be ideal. The son or daughter has a hard time: a narcissistic mother will constantly expect something more from the child. Often women strive to see in their children what they themselves have not achieved, so the child becomes a victim of circumstances (the so-called narcissistic expansion). At the same time, the mother herself also suffers, but she cannot help herself.

Men

Narcissism in men, on the contrary, is more noticeable at a young age. The guy is quite active, a cheerful company constantly revolves around him, but there are no close friends among them. The young narcissist devotes a lot of time to his appearance. Modern society may even decide that a boy has an unconventional orientation: he looks after himself so zealously and carefully. Problems can also arise with girls, although relationships with a narcissist are very interesting and exciting in their own way at first. But the young narcissist will sooner or later consider that he deserves more, so every beauty and clever girl will be rejected, like the nymph Echo.

If a narcissistic man does start a family, he still continues to assert himself. A loving woman accepts her husband with all his shortcomings, but the child may suffer. A father with signs of narcissism cannot give him proper education and banal attention. A man will be constantly carried away by his ambitions. The problem is that with each successive victory, the narcissist receives less and less satisfaction. As a result, by about 35-40 years of age, he realizes that there is no longer any pleasure from self-admiration. And it’s too late to look for happiness elsewhere (family, career). Therefore, men often become patients of psychologists at the turn of their fortieth birthday.

If in pairs?

Such families are not uncommon. Two people converge on one common interest: self-love. Those. In a couple, each partner is fixated on himself, but the other person is not at all against this. Narcissistic people support each other, and a family is built on this mutual understanding. And no one has a question about how to live with a narcissist, because he himself is one.

But the children of such a couple have a hard time. They are also forced to adapt to the wishes of mom and dad, embodying what they could not achieve. Although, sometimes parents transfer their love to a small family member, but most often he also grows into a narcissist.

Sexology

There is a type of sexual deviation (deviation) when a person experiences sexual attraction to himself. Otherwise it is called autophilia or autoeroticism. And it is narcissistic behavior that sets the basis for such a disorder. At first, a person simply admires himself in the mirror or receives moral pleasure from the thought that he is ideal. Then this begins to manifest itself in physical self-satisfaction, during which the narcissist does not fantasize, but enjoys his own beauty.

What Freud said

When talking about sex, one cannot help but mention Sigmund Freud. In his descriptions, he argued that narcissists often grow up in single mothers who gave all their love to a single man - their son. The famous psychologist believed that sooner or later a boy in love put himself in the place of his mother, personifying himself with her. This gave rise to problems with one's own self, a topic on which Freud wrote a lot. Such a young man could easily become not only a narcissist, but also a homosexual, because feminine character traits predominated in him.

The term “narcissism” itself appeared in psychoanalysis in 1914. Although long before this, Freud introduced many other related concepts. One of them is narcissistic libido (or self-libido). This is when the energy of drives is projected from others onto oneself. Freud believed that this was a severe mental disorder that required treatment. But he did not deny that such people could live in society.

How to build communication

Those who do not have close people with a narcissistic personality type probably snorted when they saw this question. But a narcissist is not a bad person who needs to be avoided. He does not wish harm to anyone, and his behavior is due to a mental disorder. And if at work or among friends there are people with signs of narcissism, then, willy-nilly, you have to find contact with them and build communication.

Narcissists have such a trait as devaluing other people's merits. He will look for flaws and inconsistencies in you in order to feel like the very best against you. Therefore, your task is to reveal yourself completely, leaving no reason for the narcissist to doubt you. Of course, he will not stop thinking that he is unique and unsurpassed, but respect for you will still appear.

In psychology there is a technique that allows you to win over a person. In the case of a narcissist, you need to mirror his pomposity. For example, he enthusiastically tells you about nanotechnology, which you have absolutely no understanding of. The narcissist takes pleasure in the fact that he is better versed in this area of ​​science than you are. What to do? Hit the ball by raising a topic that he does not understand. 95% out of a hundred, the narcissist will give you his crown, or at least take off his.

A narcissist is a person who also has positive character traits. He can be kind, sweet, sympathetic and simply meaningful to you. Therefore, if this is a loved one who is dear to you, do not try to change him, but simply accept him for who he is.

If you encounter a malignant narcissist who is aggressive and trying to manipulate you, then it is not necessary to find a common language with him or maintain friendship. Every person has the right to choose their social circle, so if you are completely uncomfortable with someone, there is no need to suffer. So-called destructive narcissism, when all the actions of a narcissistic person are aimed at destroying everything around, is rare. But communicating with such a narcissist is very difficult. If you have forced contact (at work, for example), then you can use ignoring. Just ignore his antics and concentrate on business.

I'm a narcissist. What to do

Narcissists rarely try to understand themselves. They simply do not understand and do not experience any uncomfortable symptoms. It seems to them that their behavior is normal and quite adequate. But if a person suffers from deficit narcissism, he may feel strongly dependent on the opinions of others. This is a special type of mental disorder when the narcissist is not satisfied with admiration from himself. He needs others to admire him too. And if this does not happen, problems begin.

A person who experiences deficit narcissism syndrome is recommended to consult an experienced practicing psychologist. Yesterday's university graduate will not help him. What you need is a professional who has been working for many years. You can visit a psychologist either alone or with your loved one.

This article required to read for those who are in relationships with the most dangerous type of men - narcissists. Studies have shown that 10% of girls already at the age of 20 had contact with a narcissist. Both men and women are narcissists and they have certain characteristics.

Knight in shining armor Duke Narcissus.

A narcissist is an easy person to love because they will appear confident, stable and ready to support us at any time. However, they often themselves create the situation from which you need to be “rescued.” This type of man is not uncommon, but they disguise themselves.

Daffodils artfully break all your usual supports that saved you before meeting them, so you have no choice but to turn to them for help. This is how you fall into their trap.

You're slowly but surely getting tight dependent from a narcissist. There is a feeling that you are not you can take care of yourself yourself, thereby strengthening your attachment.

The narcissist loves not you, but himself in the reflection of your eyes

You start to feel like it's just the two of you against the world.

The first step in the game of alienation is to create a Romeo and Juliet prototype connection with you, you begin feel, that it's you two against the world. Gradually, you become paranoid, thinking that others want to make you unhappy, trying to harm you and separate you from your loved one.

Only with Romeo you can be happy, and he saves you from these evil people who are trying to hurt you. The narcissist's main goal is for you to stayed only with him, therefore, if you hear from your man a good reason for phrases in style, then this is the first bell:

“Don’t talk to her, she’s not your friend, spend more time with me and not with your friends”

No, this is the ringing of bells, which means that you have met. The manipulator creates such an atmosphere that you begin to feel that he is the only one you can truly trust. Actually this is not true.

We've all been in relationships where we start to neglect old friendships, but if you're in a relationship with a narcissist... you may lose not only friends, but also family. One of the goals that a narcissistic man has is deprive you all so that you have time only for him, he will not spare even your family. By isolating you from everyone, they take away your resources and support, making you more dependent. They may even tell others that you are crazy or unstable.

The narcissist knows your weaknesses and keeps you in in limbo

Narcissus knows your weaknesses therefore, he uses against you what will hurt you as much as possible, in order to destroy everything that you value. For example, you hear phrases such as “If people knew you as well as I do, they would never communicate with you. You would be disgusted by them” or “If you do this, then I will take your children away from you”, “These people don’t like you, they are good, but you are not”, “Only I treat you well, others will wipe their feet on you "

Narcissists love to keep in limbo, and always give you an aggravating feeling of guilt. You know that you are a good person, but you always do something wrong, for which you are constantly reprimanded. Just give the narcissist a reason to criticize you, believe me, he will not miss it.

The narcissistic personality is absorbed in the contemplation of his own beauty, his own importance or his own suffering and, with the help of a psychoanalyst, savors it rapturously, sitting comfortably on a bed of sadness.

Confusion and self-doubt

All these manipulations start small and get worse and worse. A narcissistic man does everything to make you think that everything is fine, to tire out your self-preservation instincts and you will not see that there really is a problem. You start to notice that Is there something wrong, but the narcissist does everything to make you think what you think.

If you make accusations against a narcissist, they will shift the blame onto you. As a result, you will have thoughts: “It’s not he who is bad, but me,” “I was the first to start the conflict, he was only defending himself.” When this happens, it means gone process of internal destruction. The purpose of this game is to confuse you so that you start doubting yourself. When this happens, you have lost and lost yourself.

You won’t be able to find any logical explanation for some of your partner’s actions - yesterday he said that you have a beautiful new dress that fit you like a glove, and the next day he declares that it makes you look fat, and it didn’t stop you from losing weight in order to against its background it will not look like a gray mouse. You will be kept in limbo so that you will completely lose your way.

Narcissists distract your attention

The final and most skillful element of the narcissist's manipulation is abstraction. They intelligently direct your attention in the direction that is beneficial to them. They act as skillfully as magicians.

Narcissus distracts you from important problems and leads you astray, directing your attention in the direction that it benefits him. Such actions lead to the feeling that your conversations and problems have no meaning.

How to recognize and break free from the influence of a narcissist

Take care of yourself, develop your personality.This is important in any relationship - develop your personality, do not lose close friends, no matter what, do what you love and do not give up on your goals.

Do what makes you feel you stronger, conquer the peaks, even if they tell you that you can’t handle it, and when you succeed, be sure to praise yourself. If you become a strong personality, then you will be able to resist the narcissist at an early stage and even not allow such a person to approach you at the dating stage.

If you have already fallen under the influence of such a person, then fight, you will be led astray, humiliated and manipulated, but you can handle it.

Analyze your partner's strange actions

To fully understand the situation, you need to keep in mind all the points that have been described above. Analyze your partner’s strange actions if, while reading the article, you found out your partner or friend, then you need to save yourself.

Pay close attention to your safety and emotional and physical health. Trust in this matter is an important factor; listen to yourself, which will help you recognize a narcissist.

How to break free from the influence of a narcissist

If you recognize a narcissist, then it is not enough to just take care of yourself. It is necessary to fight it. He will leave and then return (they always come back), manipulating you, blaming you for all your troubles, threatening you, feeling that they are losing control over you.

You are dependent in this relationship, you need to admit this, as soon as you accept this, then your treatment will begin from this stage. Read, which will tell you how to realize and get rid of codependency. There is also a situation when your partner is not only a narcissist, but also

If you can't cope on your own, then there is no shame in ask for help. If your boyfriend/girlfriend finds himself in this situation, then you can save him and isolate him from the narcissist, but this will not be easy. The narcissist will do whatever it takes to get rid of you, to deal with him you will have to really want to help.

The Myth of Narcissus

Even the ancients had a story about a narcissistic young man. The instructive story tells about a pretty young man - Narcissus, who was in search of love. He had such a high opinion of his beauty that he even refused the beautiful nymph Echo. Soon after this, Narcissus accidentally noticed his reflection on the water. Unable to take his eyes off the picturesque face, he remained frozen in one place. Subsequently, a flower of the same name grew there, reminiscent of excessive self-love.

Thanks to the myth, self-centeredness, which is destructive for humans, received a sonorous name. The collective image of a narcissistic and arrogant personality was ideally embodied in an ancient legend. The short parable captured the essence of the pretentious and distorted self-perception common to all narcissists. Let us consider the phenomenon of narcissism in more detail.

Is narcissism a syndrome?

First of all, this is a complex mental disorder that causes harm not only to the “carrier”, but also to others. The matter is not limited to just inflated self-esteem and an inadequate need for people’s admiration. A person really thinks that he is superior to others (even relatives and partners). A narcissist demands special attention and royal privileges. He behaves arrogantly in society and treats its participants with contempt. Beginning in adolescence, the self-adoration of such people subsequently goes beyond all boundaries. A person develops obsessive fantasies about imaginary greatness. And high self-esteem does not justify this. For narcissists, it is rather inflated, not necessarily based on specific achievements in life.

The spectrum of mental disorder is quite large: from a “normal” narcissist to a pathological disease. The phenomenon can be classified as follows:

1. Constructive narcissism

This type of disorder is classified as so-called “healthy” manifestations. The need for dominance, communication and attention, one way or another, is characteristic of many of us. And it is not at all necessary to accuse all public people (athletes, politicians or actors) of excessive narcissism in advance. It is quite possible that a person simply wants to reveal his talent, help society, and realize healthy ambitions. The only exceptions are those people who achieve a high position in society in order to dominate others. By the way, this is the most common type of narcissism.

2. Vulnerable narcissism

This type of disorder is somewhat less studied because its representatives are difficult to identify. Behind a social mask and ostentatious bravado, they hide low self-esteem and mental vulnerability. Unlike the constructive type, vulnerable narcissists are afraid to show themselves in public: their sensitivity to criticism is too high. However, like the self-obsession of loved ones. Even phlegmatic and inconspicuous guys believe in their uniqueness and do not allow any doubts about it. However, they are easier to upset than public narcissists. Their self-esteem is shaky.

3. Narcissistic personality disorder

The extreme degree of development of narcissism is its pathological form (NPD). In this case, a person’s egoism goes beyond all moral boundaries. The behavior of a narcissist is akin to the habits of some wild animal. He easily makes reckless and immoral decisions, reacts aggressively to fair comments, and distorts even obvious facts in his favor. Such self-affirmation at the expense of others brings a lot of suffering to the loved ones and partners of the narcissist.

Narcissism and its symptoms

You can put together a number of factors that in one way or another influence the formation of a narcissistic personality:

1. Genetic factors (heredity really matters);

2. Biological (in individuals with NPD, scientists have discovered a lack of gray matter in the area of ​​the brain responsible for emotional behavior);

3. Social (if a strict parenting style can give impetus to the development of hidden narcissism, then constant praise is a constructive type of illness).

Excessive sensitivity, experiences of violence, family problems or permissiveness can also cause the development of the disorder. The onset of the disease can be determined by characteristic signs:

- grandiose conceit and illusion of one’s own exclusivity;

- a sense of superiority and, as a result, a tendency to exploit others;

- absence of the slightest feeling of guilt for the heinous acts committed.

The narcissist skillfully devalues ​​others, and at the same time idealizes himself. This brings him some peace of mind. He is really concerned about his own image in the eyes of others, and does not allow criticism of it. He is in constant search of values ​​and status things that confirm his reputation as an exceptionally highly developed person. This is a supporter of bohemians, the elite class. A priori, a narcissist must be able to break any rules. All orders of a powerful person must be carried out unquestioningly, and motives must not be questioned. This is his credo.

At the same time, a person’s self-esteem may be unstable and fragile. The protective redoubts of the grandiose Ego sometimes so obscure the real personality that a person himself cannot understand himself.

Perverse narcissism and its treatment

Not every narcissist will cause outrage if he is somehow offended. Many people with signs of NPD try to fight their disease. However, there is also a category of people who are truly dangerous to society. They are called perverted narcissists. A feature of the psyche of such children is a tendency to moral violence in all its forms. Abuse is often accompanied by a distortion of the present state of affairs. By constantly turning the words and arguments of a partner inside out, a perverted narcissist can easily drive him to suicide.

At the same time, they do not choose weak or inherently complex people as victims. Perverted narcissists are interested in successful representatives of the human race, full of health and strength. They squeeze their juices out so much that victims still have to heal psychological trauma for many years. Despite good camouflage skills, a perverted maniac can be identified by the following signs:

- negative attitude towards former partners, shifting responsibility for the breakup onto their shoulders;

- inability to admit one’s mistakes, as well as a tendency to judge and criticize others;

- the narcissist’s persistent desire to live together, to tie a partner to himself;

- visible deterioration in well-being, problems with psychosomatics after the start of a relationship with a perverted vampire;

- skillful imitation of human emotions along with the manifestation of reactions more likely to be characteristic of an animal or a psychopath;

- pathological envy coupled with a thirst for appropriation;

- taking pleasure in the suffering of others;

- conscious position of the victim to develop a guilt complex in the partner;

- denial of reality, avoidance of responsibility.

The goal of a perverted narcissist is to make others love him more than himself. Like a leech, it attaches itself to a person’s energy. At the first stage of the relationship, he uses the tactics of the “candy-flower period.” Treats you to your favorite dishes and gives valuable gifts. However, the feeling of inner insignificance, desperate envy and the illusion of one’s own greatness take their toll over time. Negative feelings spill out like an icy shower onto the “beloved” person. Communication becomes terrible, respect for the personality of the other disappears somewhere, and behavior becomes inexplicable from the point of view of ordinary logic. Instead of a loving partner, a ruthless monster appears.

Such a drastic change is necessary for the narcissist to make his victim feel guilty about what is happening. The methodical destruction of a partner's self-esteem, his humiliation and declassification are only occasionally replaced by outbursts of a complacent mood. These short-term “honeymoon” revivals are needed only to keep the partner close, to form codependency.

Then comes the second stage of unhealthy relationships: the narcissist actively uses mental blocks and insidious tactics. Coldness in relationships, irrational attacks of anger, torture by silence, threats of separation, ridicule of the partner's sensitivity, demonstrative non-compliance with one's obligations, accusations of dramatization - all this is in the arsenal of a perverted maniac. He seeks to depersonalize a previously healthy human personality in order to completely subjugate it to himself.

Narcissism in women

The excessive ambition of women with NPD is immediately noticeable. They spend an enormous amount of time and money on caring for themselves and treat their partners with conscientiousness. They try to choose caring and sensitive men for themselves, so that they can then mercilessly exploit them. They have absolutely no respect for them, they almost directly call them rags. At the same time, they don’t consider it necessary to earn their own living; they look for sponsors. Another distinctive feature of female narcissism can be considered problems in relationships with their own children. There is no true love between mother and child. Women often demand too much and do not rest on their laurels. Parental narcissism does not bring joy to children in life. Men, at first, admire their arrogant ladies.

Narcissism in men

If you look at the statistics, NPD is more often observed in men. It all starts in adolescence and then progresses slowly and surely. The peak of the disorder usually occurs after 35, when a person achieves high status in society. He gets the opportunity to assert himself and prove his exclusivity to everyone around him. Male narcissists openly use their women to climb the social ladder. In borderline forms of the disease, they become domestic tyrants and moral abusers. However, by doing so, the two-faced guys only bring the moment of their loneliness closer. Not every woman can withstand their regime.

Narcissism and forms of its treatment

Since we have already dealt with the behavioral patterns and key symptoms of NPD, we will now present ways to treat it. The difficulty of the latter lies in the fact that narcissists rarely turn to professional psychologists. They have difficulty admitting that they have problems. Most often, these guys come to the appointment because of a conflict with their partner. An experienced clinician will quickly recognize the behavior of a narcissist while observing their interactions.

Another reality that psychologists have to put up with is the impossibility of radical personality change. In the process of therapy, it is only possible to change a person’s attitude towards his own behavior, to open his eyes to the damage being done to all parties. Treatment can be considered successful if the client begins to better understand his meager emotions and discuss them with others. Learns to take responsibility, abandons exorbitant and unrealistic goals. Tolerant of other people's and own mistakes, and adequately perceives criticism. However, bypassing the narcissist's defensive posture is very difficult to achieve. Sometimes you have to play giveaway - to demonstrate your respect in every possible way to regulate a person’s self-esteem.

Treatment should take both individual and group forms. During group therapy, the patient learns to perceive and respect human dignity.

Narcissism and personality transformation

Freud wrote about pathological self-love in a negative aspect at the beginning of the century. Narcissism in psychoanalysis was viewed exclusively pejoratively: the patient was denied the opportunity for successful therapy due to his emotional impenetrability. In other words, they put an end to the person’s personality and rejected the person. Narcissism, according to Freud, has long served as a fundamental basis for psychological research, but further practice has shown the master’s judgments to be erroneous. Scientists have identified key disturbances in the interaction between the ego and the true personality, and have been able to classify mental disorders more structurally. Narcissism began to be considered not only in clinical psychiatry, but also in ordinary psychoanalytic offices.

Professionals have begun to recognize the objective reactions of a person with NPD who has gone through a specific traumatic experience. Determining a person's true identity allowed therapists to talk about the possibility of personality transformation. Moreover, the modern world initially sets unrealistic standards that undermine the human psyche. Nowadays you need to be smart, rich, forever young, etc. to keep up with the times. The inability to be perfect undermines self-esteem and provokes mental problems in a person. Social networks may not directly cause narcissism, but they do contribute to its development in every possible way. The narcissist, like any other person, gets an excellent opportunity for self-expression. At the same time, the level of his protection on the Internet increases many times: he can erase a negative comment or remove an unwanted interlocutor at any time. Low empathy finds its justification in virtual etiquette. And showing exclusively positive aspects helps to perpetuate the disease.

Despite the fact that doctors now allow the treatment of mental disorders, internal self-improvement and transformation of a person is often an overwhelming task for him. A conscious and strong desire of the narcissist himself is necessary in order to achieve significant success in this direction.