How do grievances affect a person’s life and is it possible to learn to forgive without feeling the desire to take revenge or gloat. Is it possible to continue communicating with a person who once greatly offended you and derive your benefit from this communication? You will find answers to these questions in the materials of this article.
There are times in the life of any person when he is faced with betrayal and lies from other people. Human nature is designed in such a way that it tends to be offended by the discrepancy between expectations and reality. Of course, this feeling is negative and can ruin a person’s character and health.
But we must also recognize the fact that resentment is a powerful engine of personal progress and relationships. It is thanks to insults and quarrels that the relationship of two loving people moves from one stage of development to another, and, oddly enough, the connection between them strengthens. Resentment towards loved ones and circumstances sometimes contributes to the evolution of a person - he looks for solutions, strives to build his life differently, grows up and “outgrows” his resentment.
But what if this does not happen, if the resentment has been lying on the heart like a stone for many years and does not give rest? Is it possible to forgive and let go of an offense against a person, overcome pride and continue communication with the offender if circumstances require it? Someone will say: “You can’t forgive, otherwise they’ll stab you in the back again.” There is some truth in this, because those who betray once can do it again. What if we are talking about close relatives, mother or father, or your own children? The less connection people have with each other, the easier it is to experience grievances, and the faster forgiveness comes. If we classify grievances, we can establish the following sequence:
- The strongest insults from childhood are those inflicted by those closest to you (parents, close and distant relatives).
- The grievances caused by once beloved people, in whom trust was boundless.
- Grievances at the injustice of life, at public opinion, at circumstances.
How grievances arise and what their accumulation leads to
Resentment does not arise out of nowhere. They appear when the offender hurts some feelings of the opponent. The most vulnerable feeling to offense is self-esteem. By hurting another person's self-esteem, the offender risks never receiving forgiveness. It is also very painful to perceive a critical assessment of those qualities that a person himself considers to be underdeveloped. Simply put, you cannot offend a person by telling him that he is not smart or handsome enough if he himself is not tormented by doubts about this. People are offended by unfulfilled promises, by lack of attention, while feeling injustice towards them.
We have figured out the mechanism of resentment. What happens in the human body when he feels offended? It settles first in the throat, then it is transferred to the thyroid gland, some time passes and it descends deeper - into the heart. This usually happens if the feelings of a person in love are hurt. Insults inflicted by relatives and criticism from others settle in the head, and if forgiveness does not occur, the person begins to suffer from headaches. Problems with the heart and thyroid gland also arise from an excess of grievances, because they, like harmful dust, settle on these organs and, over time, prevent them from functioning normally.
The deeper the resentment, the greater the mark it leaves in the heart and head of the offended person; it is not for nothing that there is an expression “deadly resentment.” Although indirectly, resentment can cause death. Sticking to each other, grievances create favorable conditions in the human body for the development of malignant tumors. The situation can escalate so much that a person is faced with a choice: forgive all offenses or die.
Why is it so difficult to forgive an offense?
To cleanse your soul and body, as well as attract good luck into your life, it is important to cleanse yourself of grievances in a timely manner and prevent their accumulation. Often people understand this intellectually, but in practice they cannot do it. Unexpressed grievances are stored in memory the longest. After all, it is easier to quarrel with a person, express your indignation directly to his face, than to remain silent for many years and avoid open conversation in every possible way. It happens that the offense remains unexpressed due to the fact that the person who inflicted it is no longer alive. But more often, people simply do not want to communicate with each other out of a sense of pride, they ignore their negative feelings, but cannot fully forgive.
If people break up on a bad note and there are unexpressed grievances between them, there are two options for the development of events. Either fate will bring them together again after some time so that they can clarify their relationship to the end, or all subsequent relationships will develop according to the pattern of these unfinished relationships. In other words, life will pit an offended person against people who will touch an old spiritual wound in him until the person is completely cured of this offense.
A psychologist cannot cure a person of resentment; he can only help the person understand the problem and give specific recommendations. But which of these recommendations will actually work in practice depends on the individual qualities of the patient. You can listen to lectures, conduct meditations on forgiving people, but all this works quite slowly. It seems like forgiveness is coming, but when you meet the offender face to face, a lump comes to your throat again. Why? Because the time to heal from resentment is selected individually for everyone. Until all the tears are cried, all thoughts on this matter are expressed, final forgiveness will not come.
Several effective ways to get rid of grievances
And now about specific ways to forgive people and heal yourself from the internal pain associated with resentment. To begin with, it is important to understand one thing: the weak in spirit are offended by everyone, but only the strong are able to forgive. By forgiving, a person becomes morally stronger, does not destroy himself from the inside, and does not shift responsibility onto the shoulders of others. But many people simply don’t know where to start when they decide to let go of grievances and think that forgiveness is humiliation. They speak of pride and anger, and if this stereotypical thinking is not destroyed, then you can quickly become disillusioned with life and people. You need to forgive for yourself, without paying attention to the opinions of others. And here are the most effective ways:
- Write a letter to the offender, in which you should describe your hurt feelings;
- Pour out your feelings on paper and, without re-reading, burn them. It may take several such sessions before cleansing occurs;
- Do not dwell on the unpleasant moments of communication with the offender and do not replay the scenario of a decisive quarrel in your head every time;
- Work with your own self-esteem, focus on those points that require improvement, and work in this direction;
- Allow the people around you to be who they are, without creating illusions about their transformation. Allow them the right to their own opinion and not try to understand the meaning of their actions.
You can stop at some of these points and consider them in more detail. As for letters, in the modern version, this is an email or SMS. You can express your feelings in it, but correctly and not vaguely enough so that the essence is clear. At the end of this message, it is necessary to mention that at the moment the offense inflicted has practically been eliminated, and there are no more complaints against the addressee. You should definitely write “I forgive you”, or even better - wish you happiness and success, and sincerely, from the bottom of your heart. Such letters do not require an answer; they are a monologue of a soul that longs for healing from pain.
But if the answer does come, it only means that the second person is also uncomfortable with the offense caused, and then a dialogue begins. It is important not to go too far in this dialogue so that it does not develop into an argument, because the goal was different. If your opponent apologizes in his letter, you need to accept them, but if he accuses you, you should not enter into further arguments and respond negatively.
If it is really scary to send such a message, or the addressee is no longer alive (there is no desire to communicate with him anymore, it is impossible to find him, etc.), you can write a letter with the same content, but do not send it, but simply burn it. In this case, the purification of the soul also occurs, only through fire. You can perform this ritual several times as long as the need is felt.
Christianity and other religions teach to forgive the sins of another person, to forgive and accept other people with their shortcomings. And there is a rational grain in this: every person has the right to live the way he wants. Everyone treats others as their upbringing and morality allow them. It is useless to demand anything from a person who is unfamiliar with these concepts. It is useless to fight his consciousness, manipulate and make him feel guilty; this person simply feels and lives differently, is guided by different principles. Recognizing a person’s right to make mistakes also facilitates the process of forgiveness itself.
After all, parents often offend their children unintentionally, due to a lack of parenting experience. Also, other people, passing by, sometimes hurt each other’s feelings so much that for a long time afterwards they cannot move away from this collision.
To say goodbye means to forgive, it’s not for nothing that when they finally part, they say goodbye, and don’t say “bye.” – this is the end of a relationship, summing up. The word “farewell” outlines the line between the past and the future, and the magical phrase “I forgive you everything” serves as a kind of talisman against the person to whom forgiveness has been given. Over time, the presence of the offender nearby will no longer bother you, and this means true forgiveness. It borders on indifference and reasonable rationalism. You can see a person, greet him, as well as any other acquaintance, and not feel bitterness in your soul after that.
Resentment is like a balloon, and like one it can burst inside a person if it continues to inflate endlessly. But you can fill this ball with negativity and, with the help of the power of forgiveness, release it into heaven. This will make you feel much easier.
Bye everyone.
Best regards, Vyacheslav.
How to forgive an offense and let a person go is a difficult question and life situation for many people of different ages. Resentment is a feeling that prevents you from living and enjoying a harmonious relationship with your other half. Sometimes it can consume you completely, making you forget all the good things that happened between you. Often because of this, people quarrel so much that they separate. How to prevent such an outcome of events?
Resentment is a negative thing that poisons a person from the inside.
You don't know how to forgive and let go of an offense? You need to understand your true feelings. If you really love or respect a person, you shouldn’t waste time on such negative emotions!
In such a state, everyone is tuned only to negativity
They seem to burn a person from the inside, forcing him to look at the world around him through a veil of fog. Everything positive fades into the background, and you see in front of you only the reason that became the main factor in the occurrence of resentment. But you need to drive all this away, because this way you will never become happy.
Analysis of grievances
To get rid of this feeling you need to understand its causes.
There is a question: how to cope with resentment so that it does not interfere with building harmonious relationships? At the very beginning, you should analyze what caused such feelings.
Try to remember the situation in every detail. It often turns out that a person did not offend you as much as you thought. You can correct the situation in time by taking the first step towards reconciliation.
It also happens that analysis will help you understand that it is you who are to blame for the conflict. Here you need to act carefully, explaining to the person that you misunderstood each other.
Getting rid of anger
Do you feel like anger is overwhelming you? This is very dangerous, since such emotions bring a lot of negativity to you and those around you. Here's how to deal with anger:
- master the technique of deep breathing, as this will give you the opportunity to find spiritual harmony;
- completely relax your muscles, which will make it possible to relieve anxiety and stress, and therefore relieve you of anger;
- release your anger. You can find a quiet and secluded place to shake yourself off like a dog after water. You can also write down your thoughts on paper and tear the paper or burn it;
- switch to something funny, for example, watch a video on the Internet to take your mind off the negativity;
- listen to music that will relax you and completely calm you down.
Here's how to deal with resentment and anger without losing your valuable nerves. After such actions, anger will fade into the background, and you will be able to completely calm down and think about what to do in the future.
Recognizing that there is a problem is half the battle in solving it
Getting rid of guilt
Another unpleasant situation is the feeling of guilt. If you have offended any person, it will haunt you every day. Because of this, people often face stress or depression, since guilt constantly weighs on the subconscious.
You can get rid of it by following these tips:
- never blame yourself for the fact that others reacted to your behavior differently than you would like;
- you should not mentally reproach yourself for any misdeeds;
- there is no need to feel guilty if people from your close circle do wrong;
- “burn” the feeling of guilt by writing down all your main experiences on a piece of paper;
- there is no need to constantly apologize to everyone, even if you are not guilty;
- do not allow yourself to be manipulated, because if you fail to complete the tasks, the feeling of guilt will return again.
These are simple tips that will help you cope with negativity. You will feel free if everything works out.
How to learn to forgive grievances and let go
Not everyone knows how to learn to forgive grievances and let people go. But it is a valuable skill that will help you cope with many problems in life.
Have you been seriously insulted by a loved one? Are you unable to find relief from your worries? Then you need to forgive him by following these tips:
- remember that resentment is a strong evil. You must realize that it must be destroyed in order to live happily;
- Negative motivation will also allow you to forgive a person faster. Think about what awaits you if you live with the experiences inside. This often leads to illness, depression, and loss of interest in life. It is better to forgive than to radically ruin your life;
- Positive motivation will also help to cope with negativity. Think how much your life would change if you were happy and carefree again. These are new acquaintances, fun meetings with friends, happy evenings with family;
- If you don’t know how to learn to forgive insults, eliminate the weakness in yourself that attracted them. Perhaps it's low self-esteem or problems at work. Try to correct these shortcomings in order to become a strong person who does not depend on all the bad things;
- be grateful for the lessons that life teaches you. If you made a mistake that led to negativity, reel it off. In the future, you will no longer repeat such actions, which will make it much easier;
- A sense of humor always saved me from such situations. Make fun of yourself, accept criticism adequately, and don’t be offended by the caustic phrases of your colleagues or people you know. Only in this case will everyone understand that it is useless to try to hurt your pride.
You understand how to forgive an offense and let go of your loved one. Do not forget that you cannot keep anyone near you by force. It’s better to part ways peacefully than to torment each other for the rest of your life. But you need to part with a calm soul in which there is no place for negativity.
How to deal with resentment and negative emotions
Negative emotions destroy a person’s aura, as a result of which it becomes vulnerable to all sorts of factors. People who experience such feelings are prone to depression and stress.
You need to understand how to learn to forgive insults (psychology) in order to feel great. In fact, it is not as difficult as it might seem at first glance. You just need to control your emotions to get rid of all the negativity.
Negativity can accumulate for a long time, and then suddenly burst out
- Identify the source of irritation
At the very beginning, it’s worth understanding what irritates you so much. Perhaps it’s her husband’s scattered things or an annoying work colleague. Never accumulate emotions within yourself, because sooner or later they will burst out in a huge stream of claims and grievances.
If it's about your loved one who is doing something wrong, try to talk to him. The conversation should be calm and friendly. Explain why you don’t like this or that action. In most cases, everything can be fixed without accumulating negative emotions within yourself.
If you are offended by a work colleague, then try to talk to him. If all is unsuccessful, do not intersect or keep meetings to a minimum. Do not accumulate resentment within yourself, because it will definitely spill out in a stream of negative emotions.
- Understand the reason
To understand how to learn to forgive people and let go of resentment, understand yourself. Why are you offended by others? Perhaps it's your low self-esteem? Do you not know how to cope with your emotions?
You can find spiritual harmony with the help of breathing exercises or yoga. In practice, it has been proven that such activities calm and distract from negative emotions. If suddenly negativity has already settled inside you, it will soon stop bothering you, because its negative influence is eliminated.
How to deal with resentment and anger
People ask the question: how to deal with resentment and negative emotions quickly and effectively? There are tips that will make you feel much better:
- stop feeling like a victim: instead of “I was offended,” say “I feel offended”;
- look at yourself through the eyes of the offender and think whether everything is so smooth on your part, or whether you, too, have done something wrong to the person;
- Perhaps you are missing something, which stimulates you to be angry. If so, then allow yourself to fill what is missing in life;
- tell yourself “Stop” because the feeling is poisonous from within. If you don't want to face stress or depression, try to control your emotions right now;
- calm down and think about how you feel at the moment, because it may turn out that this is not anger, but a simple lack of attention;
- React to different situations calmly, and over time you will notice that the feeling of resentment is no longer inherent in you.
A big grievance usually develops gradually from several small ones.
These are simple tips that will help you cope with resentment and anger. You should not waste your time on such negative emotions, as they will only bring you harm.
How to deal with resentment towards a man
Often women ask: how to cope with resentment towards a man if I live under the same roof with him? Of course, such emotions can destroy a relationship in a matter of days.
If we are talking about betrayal, then not everyone is ready to forgive their loved one. In such a situation, you should understand that getting rid of negativity will benefit you, not him. Try to completely calm down and tune in for the best. Remember that it is very difficult to go through life with resentment. If you want to become happy and loved, drive away negative emotions in order to calmly let go of the man.
Women are the most touchy - they are real masters of this matter.
You don't know how to forgive a person and free yourself from grievances if the situation is not that serious? Then a simple conversation can help you. Talk to your significant other so that she understands what exactly is bothering you. In practice, it has been proven that conversations often make it possible to get rid of all negative emotions!
I think this article will help many people sort out their grievances.
“Resentment is something I know firsthand. Resentment is my usual state; I was born with it (and maybe even earlier). After everything that was written, this state passed, disappeared. I am writing while I still remember this state a little, otherwise I will soon forget it completely.
Resentment is:
Always a reaction to a situation, always negative.
Powerlessness, making oneself look weak.
You hide the shortcomings that you don’t want to admit in yourself (and when you notice or point out, here is where the RESULT is ready, as a defensive reaction)
Deceived expectations (and don’t expect, then you won’t be deceived!)
Not a creative position, wait-and-see, passive (the offender will come and ask for forgiveness, or compensate, do something, pamper me, feel guilty next to me... endless options)
You put yourself as the consequence, and the offender as the cause, you give control over yourself, i.e. someone influences your state, mood (you have already lost if you are offended).
Limiting contact (do not communicate with the offender) Any restriction of contacts
This is a LIMITATION, you can lose a lot, miss a lot.
Self-isolation, narrowing, reduction, degradation, non-development (there is no contact, bad mood, lousy thoughts... ad infinitum).
Revenge on oneself, for the mistakes of others (not invented by me, borrowed)
An attempt to influence another with one’s condition, an attempt to put pressure on him (and this is already manipulation of a person, does not pass without a trace)
Demonstration of your dissatisfaction (no matter what). (What signals you emit into the universe, you receive back, there will definitely be more reasons for dissatisfaction). But we are offended! We don’t think about this “trifle” thing.
The state of expecting something and not receiving it. Don't wait! Be free from this. Learn to accept any result (especially a different one! :))
A distorted understanding that someone owes you something, you waited and didn’t receive it (Standby mode is a bad thing, waiting and catching up is nothing worse! :)
You carry a load of negative emotions with you all the time, like a bucket of unfermented poop, and there is no way to get rid of it. You constantly stir with a stick so that, God forbid, it doesn’t settle down and you offer to smell it to others (when you tell them how bitterly they offended you)
Self-isolation (rarely does anyone really want to free themselves). And this is a ready-made program or psychological block, which joins an already considerable group of similar programs, compacting and making this “cute” lump more dense.
These are tears, wrinkles, drooping corners of the lips, a mask of grief on the face. (Beauties - why do we need such unattractive makeup?:)
This is a pose: I’m offended, that’s what I am!
An unconstructive state, there is no desire to change or improve anything.
Always!!! YES YES!! ALWAYS! Inappropriate reaction to the situation!
What is resentment?
Resentment is not flight, it is a low, uncreative state. What great or simply good can be created while in it? Same poop.
Resentment makes you
Weakened, powerless (after all, he transferred control over himself and his condition to the offender).
- Deprived, because there is a feeling that you were not given something, deprived, passed over...) Calm down, my friend, soon this will happen in life. It will be given according to your thoughts.
- Flawed, powerless (you sit and delve into your grievance, but what are you really doing? Nothing!) You give signals to the universe, and then you receive back. Are you surprised??
What does resentment do?
Clogs your space (with nasty thoughts, worries, accusations...)
- introduces inharmonious vibrations into your field, which spread further from you like a stench).
- makes you sick (and not just in the head :)) actually, blocks accumulate in the organs (in the liver, or what? - there is an opinion that it even leads to cancer.
- lowers your emotional tone (with all the consequences...)
Where do the legs of resentment grow from?
Probably from childhood, perhaps I once managed to get what I wanted in this way. As a rule, this game does not work with a conscious person. Or copied behavior, perhaps a force-imposed program.
Those who take offense are great cunning people! They know very well who can be offended (the lower terminal, who can be influenced by it, who can respond to it...) and who can’t (the higher terminal, the weather, the leg of a chair, if a cat gets caught... the moon, the sun, the rain, even if it gets wet ).
And so, resentment has appeared, what to do with it?
Realize it. Yes, I was offended, “there is such a letter in this word”
. Look for inadequacy in yourself, ask questions honestly and also answer honestly (after all, no one will hear to yourself, your loved one, you can! :):
What exactly hurt you? (Intonation, words, appearance, posture, actions...)
· Why?
· Did you have a similar feeling before?
· Under what circumstances (people, situations, place...)
· Where in the body is it found?
· What does it look like?
· How long can I be offended?
· How strong?
· What will my resentment give me?
· What benefits can it bring?
· How can it harm?
· What do I want to achieve by being offended?
· Why does it benefit me to be offended?
· How often do I get offended?
· For what exactly?
· On whom?
· What do you want to do in response (What feats do you want to do - punch your face, quietly shit, call names, hide, take revenge, forgive, laugh?)
· When do I get offended?
· Who in my family is offended? And from your acquaintances? And from those who I like, like, from whom do I take an example?
WOW HO! How much you can learn about yourself!!! You can come up with your own questions, family, friends, interesting ones.
What can you do about RESULT?
– Play (make it smaller, make it bigger, move it, paint it, shape it... Imagine it yourself!)
– rhyme – resentment-libido, aikido...)
– make friends, take them for a walk, to the cinema, to the store, on a string like a dog :)
- write down all the grievances in life in a beautiful notebook, design a beautiful album.
- write a dedication to her, an ode, declare your love, tell how pleasant and sweet it is to pick her apart, blame someone else, drown in her, etc. Fantasize yourself!
- communicate beautifully: in front of the mirror, pout your lips, lower the corners of your lips, eyes up, down - in short, play, create!
– play with intonation: saying with different accents “I AM OFFENDED”, “I AM OFFENDED”, “I AM OFFENSED”, “I AM OFFENSED”, “THE RESULT IS EATING ME, I gnaw at the insult”:)
– play with the pose. Leg to the side, head lowered, belly stuck out, tail tucked :)
– imagine that you are filming a movie, in front of a camera.
– Come up with 5 (10.15...) ways you can do more: to be offended, to offend someone else, not to be offended, to make peace, etc. There are no limits to imagination. Create it yourself.
Can you remember a time when you actually told someone, “I forgive you”? Forgiving another person who has harmed you is not always easy. It will be even more difficult to forget that he hurt you. In this article, we'll look at how to forgive and forget grudges for your own well-being and mental health.
In life, it can be useful to deal with pain and anger in order to then move on! When you stop, get angry or upset, it doesn't cause your offenders as much pain as you cause yourself when you hold on to something that hurt you.
When someone has wronged you, it is better to try to forgive that person and ultimately forget what happened, although you will never actually forget (as a fact) that they once hurt you.
How to forgive someone? This means “letting go” of your resentments and dissatisfaction towards this person. Only then can we be okay, at least with ourselves. Forgiveness is critical to healing relationships and clearing your mind.
Why should we forgive anyone?
When we think about how to forgive someone who has hurt us, we often feel like we are letting them off the hook. This limiting belief prevents us from healing.
We don't necessarily forgive that person for their own good. Instead, we're going to do this because we can get relief. The purpose of forgiving others is not so that they can be like a “blank slate” (we are not God!!!), but so that we can be cleansed.
Remember that you will have some anger in your life (which happens naturally). But the problem arises when you do not let it go, but carry it within yourself and “cook” in it.
Look at the situation this way: everyone makes mistakes in this life. We are all human and sometimes we act selfishly. Try to think of the situation as a “mistake.” It's important to remember that none of us are perfect, and if we made the same mistake - would we want forgiveness? Have you ever caused suffering to someone unintentionally? Was your mistake so bad that you couldn't hope to be forgiven? Putting yourself in the shoes of someone who has hurt you can be difficult, but it can help you see the other side of the situation more clearly and find a way to forgive those who have hurt you.
How to truly forgive: steps to freedom
Here are the keys to effective forgiveness that will teach you how to forgive people who have offended you. These tips will help you move from pain to freedom and a healthy life.
- Step 1 - Acknowledging the pain
The first step in learning how to forgive is to accept the fact that you have been hurt. Some of us have big egos that may need work because we don't want to admit that we've been hurt or that we could be hurt at all. Awareness of pain and resentment is already the first step in the beginning of the process of forgiveness.
What to do if the person who treated you badly no longer lives? What to do if you were wronged 20 or 30 years ago? Even if this person is not available to you now (for whatever reason) to discuss the situation, this does not prevent you from forgiving him.
Forgiveness is not denying the offense. We must admit that this really happened. Denying that you are offended (or offended) means that it is too painful for you to deal with emotions. Once this recognition is made, we can move on to the next step.
- Step 2 - Don't expect an apology
Even if the person never apologizes for what happened, decide within yourself that it is okay to continue your life and work without those apologies. An apology should not be seen as permission to forgive. Even without an apology, set your mind to forgive, forget and let go. You make the decision to forgive someone for your own good. If you truly decide to forgive them, then you are already halfway to recovery.
You are going to free someone else from their “debts” to you. You felt hurt and angry at how poorly they treated you, and you felt that they now owed you - owing you just as much (which they may never be able to repay you). This is exactly what you are going to release.
How to truly forgive? In essence, you can tell yourself, “They don’t owe me anything. I forgive their debts. They hurt me, but God will deal with them on His terms. I'm letting it out of my hands."
In the same situation, if a person still comes to you for forgiveness, give him a chance to apologize. Although you may be angry and not want to listen to the person who hurt you, it is important to receive an apology from them. Let him apologize to you for the damage he caused. This will help you begin your healing. Perhaps you will see that the blame for the situation lies partly with you. Before you can allow this person back into your life, you must be able to forgive yourself. This is probably the most difficult part of the process because you have to be completely honest with yourself.
Try to be open and listen carefully to explanations of what happened. Understanding the causes can often provide a clear picture of what happened. Questions will also help. Tell the person that you are hurt, that you have questions and want an honest answer to them. Listen to the answers you get and if they are not good enough for you, say you want to know more. Getting to the core of why someone hurt you can help you deal with the pain and forgive that person.
- Step 3 - Forgive and be patient
Make a conscious decision to forgive someone for something.
Conventional wisdom might say that if you don't tell a person that you have forgiven them, then you really haven't done it. This is simply not true. Remember, we forgive for our benefit, not theirs. It is possible to forgive someone without even letting them know it. Forgiveness is between you and God.
This is liberation from your personal grievances. Others don't necessarily need to know about it. You do not necessarily have to tell the person that you have forgiven them, but you must sincerely release the person from their debt. If you believe in a Higher Power, let him go. Open yourself to the idea that justice will be done in a different way. If you are inclined to prayer, pray for them. Pray that they can live a better life.
It may take some time for your pain to go away. You cannot expect the pain to disappear the moment you say, “I forgive you.” Be patient. You have made the decision to forgive, and your feelings will change over time.
If you still find it difficult to forgive someone, then seek help. Talk to a spiritual director or someone else you trust. Pour out your feelings to them and get help from them. But don't continue to carry the heavy burden of resentment. You deserve to be happy.
- Step 4 - Set up restrictions for another
Once you have forgiven someone, it can be difficult to allow that person back into your life fully. Not everyone who forgives reconciles with the person who hurt them. There are relationships that are toxic and even physically dangerous. If someone is dangerous, then be alert around them.
While it is possible to forgive the person and move on, it may also mean that the person can no longer play an active role in your life. After the forgiveness process, your emotional and physical safety is very important.
Once you have forgiven, you can set limits. For example, take a promise from another that he will not hurt you. If he truly accepts it, you will allow him back into your life. Let this happen step by step. You can start by only allowing him to talk on the phone once or twice a week.
In the future, you can meet periodically for short periods of time. Give the other one time. Tell the person who hurt you that you need space. Explain that it will take you a little longer to learn to forgive and forget. It's hard to think clearly when the person who hurt you is always around you.
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Time and space are necessary for our healing. Try to take this time to find out how much you have truly learned about how to forgive and forget. Remember that nothing is more terrible than when we cannot forgive and let go of pain. Even if you were hurt so badly that you can't talk to them again - it's still important to forgive... for your own mental health. And time, as they say, heals all wounds.
Only getting rid of old accumulated grievances, “throwing out” bad thoughts from the head will allow a person not only to find complete happiness, but also to look at life in a new way.
Today we would like to dwell on the consideration of such an issue as mental grievances. How exactly can you get rid of grievances against your parents, spouse, work colleagues, friends, neighbors. Together with you, we will understand the very term “resentment” and try to get rid of this condition once and for all.
Resentment is a mental illness
Remember how in childhood, when our knees bled, we cried loudly. We were hurt and offended at the same time. Mental resentment is somewhat similar to physical pain, the only thing that suffers is the soul. Only in childhood did a caring mother or grandmother smear brilliant green on our knees, and after a couple of days there was no trace left of the wound on the skin.
What do we do with mental wounds? Contrary to common logic, we are not trying to heal it, but on the contrary, we are constantly disturbing it.
That is why grievances will never heal until the person himself begins to decisively heal them.
This is a fundamental condition for effectively getting rid of all grievances.
Stages of development of resentment
Let's take and introduce the concept of “general grievance”. This term includes the derived average of grievances towards our spouse, parents, colleagues and other people around us.
Based on this concept, we can deduce the phases of development of any offense, regardless of the cause of its occurrence, as well as the person to whom it is directed and other factors.
First phase “Stressful situation”
Characteristic physical signs: rapid heartbeat, rush of blood, rapid breathing, tears, sometimes hysteria and loss of consciousness, trembling of lips and limbs, headache, loss of appetite.
By the way, in some people, in addition to the above symptoms, others may be added, for example, increased sweating. An interesting fact is that later, when remembering the offense or the offender himself, some of these signs may be repeated.
At the first stage, a person only learns that someone has offended him. He experiences the strongest and incomparable anger, malice and hatred towards his offender, as well as feelings and desires that are abnormal for a healthy person (a thirst for death or illness of the offender, etc.).
If we compare resentment to a flame, then the first phase is a bright flash that literally blinds a person. As it fades, the resentment enters the second phase.
Second phase “Rooting of resentment”
We erect a whole system of justification for our grievances
As soon as strong emotions cease to control a person, they recede into the background.
An offended person begins to look more realistically at the world and his position in it. Anger begins to take root, and there is no longer a single chance to justify the offender.
A person begins to mentally construct a whole system of justifying his offense, as well as condemning his opponent.
If we are talking about time periods, then the second stage is longer than the first. Strong emotions fade into the background, and thoughts of resentment and consideration of further actions persist for a long time.
Based on the above data, we can conclude that resentment occurs in two phases:
- primary manifestation of strong emotionality;
- long-term storage of negative feelings and memories.
Based on the above important facts, we can conclude that we need to deal with resentment at both the first and second stages. Let's decide how important it is to master the art of forgiveness.
The ability to forgive: how to master this skill?
The ability to forgive is a great art, mastering which you can improve not only your mental, but also, without a doubt, your physical health. After all, if you seriously think about it, the time spent thinking, worrying, understanding the offense could have been used to communicate with your most wonderful family, do what you love, and just read an interesting book.
It is important! Forgiveness is a continuous spiritual cleansing. This is complete deliverance from the oppression of grievances and the severity of experiences of the past. Only full awareness that we are the masters of our destiny and only we can control our emotions will help us not only get rid of grievances, but also find the strength to forgive another person.
What can prevent forgiveness?
Forgiveness is not a momentary emotion, but a conscious decision. If you decide to forgive a person and forget the offense, do it once and for all.
The main obstacles to forgiveness may be:
- recurring situation
For example, you were offended by your friend because she bought exactly the same exclusive dress as yours. Having cooled down a little, you decided that it was funny to be offended by this and resumed communication with your friend. However, the next time, your friend again bought exactly the same outfit, and even came to your birthday in it.
- deep mental wound
This obstacle occurs when your loved one causes you severe pain. The mental wound is so deep that it will take years for it to heal at least a little.
For example, your beloved spouse, with whom you lived happily together (as you thought!), started a family on the side. Despite the fact that his relationship with another woman broke off, and you still decided to forgive your unfaithful husband, a worm of doubt is constantly nagging at you in your soul.
The resentment was too strong, it will be too hard to forget it and let it go.
- other obstacles
In addition to the two obstacles listed above, there are other obstacles that prevent you from forgetting the offense and letting it go once and for all.
For example, your loved one has left for another city, and you simply do not have the opportunity to discuss your problems with him. In this case, distance will be a barrier for you that will not allow you to let go of the grudge.
Or, for example, your best friend, with whom you were friends all 10 years of school, offended you at the prom. You still don’t communicate, although 20 years have passed. Time will become a barrier to forgiveness for you.
You need to know this!
Resentment is the cause of headaches, irritability, and panic.
And yet, no matter what the obstacles, grievances can and should be let go.
"Why?" - you ask. In addition to worsening your emotional well-being, unforgotten grievances directly affect your physical health. Constant internal worries lead to the fact that you become a faithful hostage of migraines, and also suffer from panic attacks, irritability, and excessive emotionality.
Therefore, it is better to think about happy moments and enjoy every day than to sit and grieve.
Special exercises will help you quickly and effectively get rid of grievances. These effective methods were developed by professional psychologists. Hundreds of thousands of people have already put them into practice, and now you can do it too.
Five ways to get rid of grievances
Method No. 1 “Open door”
What does the word “resentment” mean to you? What do you feel when you are overcome with heaviness and bitterness from disappointment in a loved one. Try one simple exercise.
Close your eyes. Think about being in a dark room filled with your grievances. Find the door to the light in this room and open it.
Remember this feeling. With the same ease as you swung open the door, leave your grievances in that gloomy room and never think about them again.
Method number 2 “New feeling”
It is not easy for many people to just erase an offense, forget it and leave it in the past. In this case, new feelings will help them.
For example, you have long dreamed of learning to drive a car, but you never had enough time for it. Take advantage of this opportunity and finally get your driver's license.
Go towards bright feelings, rejoice and love, and then there will simply be no room left for offense in your heart.
Method number 3 “Unsent letter”
If emotions overwhelm you, and you don’t want to share your innermost experiences with anyone, write about your feelings on paper. You can even write a letter to your offender.
In it you can describe in detail the essence of your grievance, as well as the negative feelings that it causes in you.
After you write the letter, wrap it in an envelope and burn it. You yourself will not notice how your grievances will turn into ashes.
Method No. 4 “New page of the book of life”
When we respond to anger with anger, we degrade
Constantly experiencing resentment, getting confused in the endless labyrinths of your soul, you do not allow yourself to live here and now. This can negatively affect your intellectual and physical development, and your career.
Be generous. Take the insult inflicted on you as a bridge along which you can move to a new stage of your development.
When we respond with anger to anger, hatred to hatred, we do not evolve, but only plunge into the problem. It is better to consciously move to a new level and become a happy and joyful person.
Method number 5 “Revenge for good”
If the resentment does not go away and the thirst for revenge covers you headlong, try to benefit from this situation. Take revenge on your offender, but only in a positive way.
The best revenge is your happy and very successful life.
Think positively, give kindness to people, and before you know it, you will achieve positive results.
At the end of the article I would like to quote the words of the great Albert Einstein: “You cannot solve a problem with the energy with which it was created.” There is truth in every word of this expression.
You cannot get rid of resentment by taking revenge on your friend, husband or spouse. You cannot solve the problem by further accumulating negative emotions. Think positively, go towards happiness, love and light, and then you yourself will not notice how your grievances will disappear behind the veil of days!