In our lives, we often encounter critical comments, and even more often unconstructive criticism. Of course, it is not easy to accept it calmly, because it is precisely unfair statements towards oneself that a person endures extremely painfully.
Instinctively, we defend ourselves from criticism with yelling, anger, and other negative emotions, and this is destructive to us and our health.
Each person can react to criticism completely differently. The reaction also depends on a person’s upbringing, on his individual character traits, and his life experience. But in the end, we can summarize all the reactions and highlight three main ones. So, in response to criticism, a person can:
- Show aggression, hostility and even enter into conflict.
- To remain silent, at the same time feel depressed and harbor a grudge.
- Focus on your reaction. You neither accept nor reject criticism.
“An enemy who reveals your mistakes is more useful to you than a friend who wants to hide them” © Leonardo da Vinci
How can you learn to calmly respond to criticism?
Your first reaction to criticism is truly incredibly important. You can drag your opponent into a conflict or get out of this unpleasant situation very competently.
To respond to criticism correctly, you need to remain calm.
It is very easy to lose your temper if you are unfairly accused and significantly damage your reputation. Take a break and take a few deep breaths, try to calm down and not think about anything. You'll think about it later.
Don’t look for perfect answers to criticism, because most likely at such a moment nothing useful will come to your mind. It's best to calmly repeat the critical comment to the person to make sure you understood it correctly. Look the person straight in the eye and ask, “So what you mean is...” and convey the criticism in your own words.
In your statements, be careful, speak to the point and avoid the temptation to exaggerate what the person told you. Let the person know that you sincerely want to get to the bottom of the matter.
In this way you will show him exactly how you perceived his words and this will be the most adequate first reaction to criticism.
The tactic of objectively repeating and returning criticism can drive the critic crazy and it's time to start a real constructive discussion.
Start your phrases something like this: “From my point of view...”, and when you feel that the person is ashamed of his unconstructive criticism and his pride is hurt, you can use this phrase: “We have a misunderstanding. This happens to everyone, don’t worry.”
Don't forget that if a person is furious and you are calm, this will be noticeable to others and your calm reaction to unconstructive criticism will only improve your reputation among your colleagues.
If, after you have returned the criticism back to the person, he returns to his words again, then it is time to buy some time for a good answer.
You shouldn't be offended by unconstructive criticism at all.
Set yourself up in such a way that you react completely calmly to any criticism or even insult: “What makes you think that I’m a fool?” Even if you now understand that you were accused unfoundedly, still remain calm and tactfully express your point of view.
Try not to make excuses, just tell your opponent what you think about it. It is worth understanding that even if your critic understands that he was wrong, this may hurt his pride. If your boss criticizes you, try to smooth out the corners as much as possible and let him understand that there is simply a misunderstanding.
Of course, after such, and possibly unconstructive, criticism, your pride also suffers. Even if you know you did everything right and don't deserve to be treated that way, your self-confidence may suffer.
Take care to increase confidence in yourself and your abilities
Remember that the problem is the other person’s criticism and perception of your actions, not you as a person. You have become no worse or better, you did exactly what you thought was necessary to do.
Practice critical thinking towards unconstructive criticism and remain optimistic. Draw the right conclusions and never doubt yourself. Be the best!
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People exchange information, as do all living creatures on earth. Even bacteria communicate with each other using certain chemicals. They tell their neighbors in the microbial colony what is happening outside their population. What about food, oxygen, enemy bacteria and viruses, and in general... is there life behind a Petri dish?
In psychology there is a lot of talk about messages - “mutual stroking”. These are situations when we communicate to each other that we are pleasant and accepted by each other. This is like mutual complements, but in everyday life such positive support is less noticeable and occurs almost automatically. We like a person, we send him signals that he is OK, and he returns the same to us.
But people not only praise each other. Much in relationships and interactions is OK, but much is not OK. So, such an integral part of psychological interactions is telling others that you do not feel good in a relationship. This, by the way, is also important. We all have mirror neurons that enable us to empathize, but empathy is still largely a matter of imagination. People take into account what their own experience tells them. As a result, they can act towards others as the contents of their psyche dictate to them. It is far from a fact that those around us want exactly what we think we would want in their place. Thus, it is very useful to communicate in words that I don’t feel well, I don’t want it this way, but I want it differently. Essentially telling your opponent that their behavior is undesirable.
Another point that is necessary in a relationship is the opportunity to communicate your point of view, to tell how you see this or that situation. So to speak, check the world maps. Do you see what I see? Are we talking about the same thing or different things? The vision of situations may differ. The existence of one point of view can negate another, making it automatically incorrect.
Actually, these two types of messages form the basis of criticism. Naturally, everyone can say this in different ways and for different purposes. In this regard, the following types of criticism are distinguished:
1. Constructive, when messages are intended to improve the existing state of affairs, improve relationships, and understand each other better. At the same time, the person criticizing:
Friendly attitude.
- does not cross social boundaries
- does not interfere with the personal space of the person being criticized
- interested in developing some new solution
- ready to give up their positions for the sake of consensus
- does it in a timely manner, i.e. when it is possible to correct the situation
- can clearly explain what he wants.
2. Unconstructive criticism is associated with situations where it is unhelpful. It can be given:
It's too late (you should have done...)
- an incompetent person (if I were a pilot...)
- not applicable to a specific situation (what should be done with a noisy child, without knowing why the child is making noise)
- the meaning of criticism contradicts the desire of the person being criticized (you should buy pears, not apples. What should I do if I want pears?)
- based on someone else's experience, the value of which is questionable (here is my great-grandfather in 1812...)
3. Destructive criticism, in fact, is not criticism, but a form of aggression. No one is looking for any consensus, but satisfies their emotional needs by unleashing all sorts of negativity on the person being criticized. Or in this case, criticism is used as a tool of manipulation. The main message of such criticism is to lower the opponent at least one step lower and thereby win. Make someone else do what the critic wants. And if you don’t force them to do it, then at least make the person being criticized feel guilty and ashamed.
At the same time, the critic usually cannot properly explain what he doesn’t like specifically, what needs to be done to like it (“kill yourself against the wall” and absurd remarks do not count). His criticism sounds like an order and an insult. Such criticism is often based on an assessment of the personality of the person being criticized.
Destructive criticism is not necessarily just yelling and swearing. More often than not, everything goes quite calmly and is even disguised as good intentions. Such destructive criticism is disguised in order to reduce the victim’s ability to defend himself or to somehow improve and be better. Consensus and precise instructions are not part of the plan, because it makes no sense to dump negative emotions on the victim.
For example, unsolicited advice is often actually destructive criticism. A mother-in-law, eating a cake made by her daughter-in-law, may say the phrase “if you want to bake a really good cake, then you need to buy better quality products.” This often implies that “the cake you claim to be good sucks because you put crap in it,” which means “you’re a crappy housewife.” Such criticism is very often disguised as a wish for good, but in reality such critics care very little about what kind of cake will come out next.
The second version of disguised destructive criticism is “critical IMHO”. People express their negative assessment of anything as an axiom. Because that's how they see it. They refuse to discuss or somehow enter into a discussion about what they do not like. The main idea is that they can simply say any nasty thing in any form, and others should listen to it. Moreover, gratitude and appreciation are expected for every bucket of dirt that they pour on the person being criticized.
Again, a lot comes from childhood. Often criticism from parents is not constructive, but rather manipulative. They try to induce feelings of guilt and shame in the child. Afterwards, this is presented to the child as a manifestation of love. After all, if you do not criticize, then the child will not grow into a human being. If they criticize, it means they love you, it means they don’t give a damn about you. Now, if no one criticizes you, then no one needs you. The harsher the criticism, the more useful it is. Everyone should tolerate criticism because it is “for the good”
Based on this, there are several myths about criticism and its meaning in life:
1. Only insecure weaklings don’t like criticism.. In fact, among the streams of criticism towards any person, most of it is unconstructive and destructive criticism. For what purpose should these types of criticism be loved and tolerated? They are of little use in life. Apart from unpleasant emotions from the invasion of boundaries, a person receives nothing. In this case, a person who does not protect himself from the flow of useless critical information and does not say “no” to “evil critics” can be called a weakling.
2. Criticizing people always give a person the opportunity to see themselves from the other side. In fact, critics have a very specific and far from unbiased view. Often they simply project their problems onto others. Information about the inner world and internal conflicts criticism is completely useless to most people.
3. People around you know more about you, so you need to listen to what they tell you.. This statement echoes number 2. And even if they really know more, it is not at all necessary that their opinion about what they know will turn out to be correct and necessary.
4. If you said "A", be prepared to be stoned for it.. Many people believe that any action you take gives those around you a free hand for any type of aggression. It’s like “I came out in a short skirt, don’t complain about being raped, I wanted to.” If you posted photos, you'll get a brown "IMHO" in the face. If you wrote about something personal in your diary, be prepared to have your personality mixed up with dirt.
5. If I want good for a person (even theoretically), then I don’t have to restrain myself. “Good” is a very flexible concept. Not all good things are needed by someone.
6. If you are criticized, they want the best for you.
7. Without criticism, you cannot become better than you are now.. And if you refuse to listen to criticism addressed to you, then people will stop loving you.
Why do critics do this? One of the most serious factors pushing destructive criticism and some unconstructive criticism is the presence of an inflated self. I.e. “I” is very significant, “my opinion is very important” for everyone, it cannot be disputed. If you say that my opinion is not important to you, then I may stop loving you (I will unfriend you!). You can't think of anything worse than this. And I will never tell you my opinion again. It's like an anathema.
Another reason, no less significant, is those same childhood habits associated with criticism. People sometimes simply cannot imagine other relationships, friendships and love. That is, how, this is all, and without criticism? What to talk about? How to take care of friends, loved ones, and family?
Another important reason is that people do not know how to cope with their negative emotions, channel them in the right direction without dumping them on others, and raise their self-esteem by working on themselves, and not by humiliating others.
And of course, it’s not just critics who play a role in this phenomenon. Not only the content is important, but also its perception.
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Is criticism constructive?“Can I give you constructive criticism?” These are the six scariest words you can hear in your entire life. Partly because we each have our own idea of constructiveness, and partly because no matter how well-meaning criticism may be, very few people are able to present it well.
And also because some people use it as a convenient excuse to pretend to be nice and lower your status a notch or two.
For one reason or another, criticism usually looks much more constructive from the point of view of the critic, rather than from the point of view of the person being criticized.
So is the expression " constructive criticism» internally contradictory?
I'll lay my cards on the table: I believe that criticism can be constructive. In fact, it is necessary if you want to become extraordinary. However, since criticism means many different things, I will start by explaining what I mean by its different types:
Constructive criticism
This is when someone has a certain opinion about your work or results and expresses it in a way that is helpful. Criticism can take the form of helpful advice (being told what to do) or simply thoughtful evaluation (what to do next is up to you).
Constructive criticism can be both positive and negative (the critic may or may not like your work), and contain both praise and recommendations for improvement.
Here several features of constructive criticism:
- Objectivity- the critic clarifies his point of view without claiming to be omniscient.
- Specificity- detailed enough to understand exactly what the critic is talking about and what evaluation criteria he uses.
- Availability of examples- the critic supports his statements with specific examples.
- Relevant- the critic focuses on the essential aspects of your work.
- Takes into account nuances- the critic recognizes that the outcome can be measured in smaller units and there may be alternative methods of evaluation.
- Respect- the critic does not get personal, does not imply that you are a bad performer, and does not imply that you are capable of making the necessary improvements.
Whether constructive criticism is encouraging or not is up to you to decide. Of course, if someone praises you, you will most likely feel energized. But even if a critic exposes many mistakes and shortcomings, I would advise not to be discouraged, even if you are not in seventh heaven.
If criticism is truly constructive, it provides an opportunity to correct mistakes and improve. I can think of a few occasions when a critic respectfully but mercilessly “torn my work to shreds,” but when I left the room I was eager to move on to the prospects that opened before me.
One of your career goals should be to find good sources of constructive criticism. Like feedback, it gives you an advantage, especially over those who are too selfish to accept any feedback.
Destructive criticism
This is when someone has a certain opinion, but either does not know how to express it correctly, or does not understand what he is talking about, or both.
I call this criticism destructive because of its effect: if you're not careful, it can seriously damage your motivation, creativity, and ability to learn. An equally accurate definition would be “incompetent criticism”: it speaks more about the mistakes of the critic, rather than of the criticized. If criticism is an art, the incompetent critic is an artist who can barely draw a stick figure.
Here typical features of destructive criticism:
- Bias- the critic speaks as if he is the bearer of the ultimate truth, and not a person who tends to make mistakes.
- Nebula- the work is rejected with vague formulations (“terrible”, “bad”, “no good”), without specifying what criteria the judgment is based on.
- Unsubstantiated- the critic does not illustrate his conclusions with specific examples.
- Not relevant- the critic introduces inappropriate criteria or focuses on unimportant aspects of the work.
- Sweepingness- general black-and-white judgments, non-recognition of gradation of quality and alternative points of view.
- Contempt- the critic is rude, aggressive, or does not show respect for the performer’s feelings.
If the incompetent critic is a reviewer, a heckler in the audience, or an internet troll, he can be ignored. However, if it's a boss or a client, you have a problem. Chapter 37 describes what to do then.
What is criticism?
Wikipedia tells us the following:
Criticism(from fr. critique from ancient Greek κριτική τέχνη
"the art of disassembling, judgment") -
- identifying contradictions;
- identifying errors and analyzing them
- analysis (analysis), discussion of something with the aim of giving an assessment;
- a negative judgment about something (in art, social life, etc.), indicating shortcomings;
- research, scientific verification of the reliability, authenticity of something (for example, criticism of a text, criticism of historical sources).
- review, discussion of something in order to express one’s point of view
My “fictions” on this topic. I believe that constructive criticism is distinguished from unconstructive by a number of criteria. For example, the reason why a person wants to express his, often negative, opinion about something in general. So, what could be the reasons:
In general, that’s what the Internet is for: here you can say whatever you want, shit yourself until you lose your pulse, and present your shit as constructive criticism. But fights are usually full of emotions. So, what kind of objectivity do you have here?
Although any human opinion is initially subjective. And only in cases where some approved “quality” criteria have already been formed for certain situations, for certain objects, can we consider that there is something to build on. This, so to speak, relates to the question: “WHO are the judges?”
I rarely come across constructive criticism on the Internet, mostly crap. Well, here everyone chooses for themselves. How and with whom to communicate. But often the feeling of illusory impunity plays in the direction of the negative hero who lives inside us... and many simply begin to “carry”.
I myself advocate constructive criticism. In general, one can say that it is one of the engines of further human development. But only in the case when it doesn’t immediately make you want to hit the person who’s writing this on the head with a battle :). People are generally very vulnerable and many of us do not know how to take criticism. So if you want to really “get through” to a person, driven by good desires to shed light on his dark head, then choose more polite wording... so that the person can perceive it.
Of course, I myself am far from perfect and it’s not for me to teach others what and how. And I am often guided by emotions more than by reason. My judgment may be biased, but I try not to offend people. And I think that's a good thing.
Examples of unconstructive criticism:
- Are your arms growing out of your ass? Why such a clumsy design?
- Are you an asshole?
- You did shit because I think it's shit. And I'm a cool specialist.
- This site is lame because it's blue, and blue is my least favorite color.
- You're definitely an asshole.
- Your singing sucks because Celine Dion sings better than you.
- Your job sucks because you really irritate me. And you don’t have to do anything at all, because you will always annoy me anyway. And everything you do will always be a mess for me.
In general...friends, constructive criticism is welcome;)
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Criticism is a controversial phenomenon. For some people it really hurts, but for others it becomes a good incentive to move forward and develop. Someone gives up when they hear critical phrases about what they do or think. And, perhaps, a very interesting idea remains unrealized. And some do not pay any attention to criticism at all, continuing to stubbornly move along the chosen path. In some cases this brings success, in others it brings complete failure.
We all react to criticism differently. We all have to deal with it at one time or another in our lives. And our attitude towards criticism, as a rule, does not change throughout life. Does this mean that someone who in childhood learned to painfully accept criticism will be forced to suffer from this trait until the end of his days? Not at all, psychologists say. If you figure out which criticism is constructive and which is called unconstructive, and also learn to respond to it adequately, you can turn other people’s desire to criticize your actions to your advantage. This skill is especially relevant at work, because in the process of joint actions every now and then you have to listen to comments from management.
Useful construct
The main sign of constructive criticism is the clear desire of the one who questions the reasonableness of your thoughts or actions to help you. That is, his words are intended to contribute to your successful solution of some task.
This becomes possible with the presence of several important components. Firstly, the critic must be an expert himself in the field in which he decided to give you advice. Perhaps this is a leader who has extensive experience. And he is quite capable of giving practical recommendations for the employee. If we are not talking about work, then the critic should have his own personal experience in the topic on which he decided to criticize you. Otherwise, all this is empty talk and destructive criticism.
Secondly, although none of us can be completely objective, it is still worth trying to be as neutral as possible about the situation. Only then will it be possible to look at it more fully. Accordingly, the opinion will be expressed with the greatest benefit.
Thirdly, constructive criticism always has specifics. That is, your words, thoughts and actions are assessed not in general, not on the basis of emotions, but according to specific moments, facts, results.
Fourthly, it is important that the critic can provide clear and compelling arguments and examples in support of his opinion.
Fifthly, there should be no assessments of you as a person. Only what you did or said is criticized. Your character, appearance, demeanor have nothing to do with it.
The rules of constructive criticism also mean that the critic will certainly notice the positive aspects of your actions, words or ideas. This is important because no thought or deed can be all “bad.” The one who is criticized feels that he did something right. This is encouraging and helps you calmly accept the rest.
This is the exact opposite. Its main “symptom” is a lack of specificity and too much emotion.
As a result, you are bombarded with a stream of information that is difficult to systematize, from which usually only one thing can be learned: you are wrong, but why exactly the speaker thinks so remains a mystery.
- Getting personal is a big mistake in the process of criticism. As a rule, this is direct evidence of the speaker's incompetence. And also evidence of his lack of self-confidence. In this situation, the “best” method for an illiterate critic – attack your opponent, in the figurative sense of the word, of course.
- Sometimes people, including ourselves, become emotionally involved in the process and are simply unable to argue their position. Such methods don't work. The result is unfounded criticism that does not give the expected effect.
- The critic begins to cling to words instead of looking at the essence.
If a very sensitive person becomes the object of unconstructive criticism, he may simply stop doing anything at all. And if we are talking about personal relationships, then he is quite capable of simply turning around and leaving. This is why criticism should not be destructive.
Learning to criticize
All this is a reason to think about how you yourself criticize other people. And learn to do it correctly. After all, criticism is also a kind of art, technique .
And if you understand that clearly unconstructive criticism is being directed at you, what should you do?
- Don't start doubting yourself. Your self-esteem is not something that can be manipulated depending on someone else's mood.
- It’s worth listening: what if there is a reasonable grain in the stream of incoherent sentences?
- It makes sense to think about why this happened and why you became the object of unconstructive criticism.
- It is important to maintain emotional detachment. The critic often seeks to drag you into emotions. Here it is easy to follow his example and start pouring out on your opponent what is not at all what is needed. Here we are not far from a serious conflict
- You can listen to everything, and then give yourself time to think - not answer right away.
As for constructive criticism, it can be very useful. Just learn to separate the words about your actions and ideas from yourself. And then you will have good tools for growth. You can even thank the person who criticized you. This is the benefit of such criticism.