Each of us has faced this question. After all, it would seem that just yesterday we were talking with one person, and today a completely different person stands in front of us. We are at a loss whether it is a mask, a theatrical play, or a harsh reality that signifies constant changes in our environment, which do not always benefit us personally.
There is no point in talking about short-term changes or those that we all face throughout our lives. Perhaps, at the moment when you are reading this text, the person whose changes bother you has already returned to his usual role. In childhood we believe and consider one thing correct, in adolescence another, in adulthood a third. All this happens not because we deliberately modify our inner world. No. This happens because everyone has their own personal life experiences, encounters certain situations and reacts to them differently. Accordingly, we draw our own conclusions. Short-term changes are more like a game, like a falling meteorite. Usually, like the last one, they flare up quickly and go out just as quickly. “Today I was offered meditation to make me feel happy. On the first day, I was so fascinated by the result that I immediately told all my friends about this technique. However, after three sessions the effect diminished and, in the end, after a week this meditation was thrown into the trash.” Short-term changes are also not interesting because they often relate to certain people or groups. And we all know very well how easily the opinion of us changes in the eyes of every person and how quickly we move from one socially significant group for him to another. However, there are other changes.
« Yesterday we stood in line for three hours for a ticket, hugging and basking in one world for two, and today she stopped loving cinema... and me.”
Each of us will more than once encounter such changes in the ranks of people close to us, no matter how sad it may sound. How does a person’s soul manage to turn everything upside down in such a short period of time?
Fortunately, most of these seemingly grandiose changes are actually temporary. It all depends on the person - one can stick to innovations for a couple of hours, another - for several years. In the latter case, it is extremely difficult to determine whether these changes are important, or whether they have no foundation and will not exist forever. However, today, several reasons are precisely known that can change a person in a catastrophically short period of time.
5 situations in which you will have to get to know a person again
On the brink of death
In a critical situation, a person is capable of making subsequently inexplicable efforts. This is called the “body maximum.” Imagine what could happen to a person who was on the verge of death? In most cases, he begins to rethink his own values, life, ideas, tries to live, and, naturally, each of us will find a lot of shortcomings that could be corrected. If we imagine that we have dozens of development paths, then the situation in which you are on the verge of death corresponds to the fact that you did not move, but jumped from one course to another;
Care of loved ones
Just like the previous point, it can hurt us very painfully when people close to us die. We become very attached to them, and each of us has our own. The principle of the mechanism remains the same and, falling asleep with one person, we wake up completely different.
"Teacher and pupil"
We are all formed individuals with our own unique views. Most of us, due to our nature and era of self-centeredness, can easily express our own opinion on almost any general issue. However, many of us have encountered people who, in our opinion, definitely did not fit into the ordinary with whom we argue or agree. read, We become attached to the white crows and, at first incredulously, then blindly believe every sound that comes from the lips of the guru. Accordingly, very soon our friends and acquaintances begin to notice that something is wrong with us. Naturally, we disagree with them and refuse to accept the truth.
"Balance"
On one side is your life, on the other is the life of your grandmother’s neighbor’s second cousin. Does your nephew's life weigh more? So you have to push yourself and do everything like him! Sounds familiar, doesn't it? We won against one, lost to another. We are always in a race for a mediocre, meaningless reward - to be better than someone else. And, sometimes, you can notice how amazing changes have befallen the person who got involved in this struggle. However, it is worth noting that only people with a high level of willpower can complete such changes. For the rest of us, everything will look serious until a new object of comparison appears on the other side of the scale. Moreover, people with great willpower can be asked: is this person worthy of emulation? Or maybe you should try to create your own, individual, personal story?
"Depressive Army"
The soldiers in this army are familiar to us all - failures, financial difficulties, betrayals, illnesses, stress. A person loses interest in life, like scientists. This point is the most popular culprit of change. This only slightly knocks some of us out of the saddle, while others force us to plunge our faces into the mud. Regardless of the strength of perception, with frequent collisions with this army, any of us learns a lesson for ourselves and somewhere, very noticeably or not, will change.
Finally...
If your loved one has changed dramatically, one thing remains the same - each person is free to choose his environment and assign roles in accordance with his own individual life scenario. That is why you and only you have to decide - to accept a person as he is, has become, will become, or to say goodbye to him on a good note, without expecting any contradictions and misunderstandings to arise, and to go your own, unique path.
Incredible facts
People become taller, thicker and live longer, than ever before in history. And all these changes have occurred over the last century, scientists say.
However, it is not only a matter of evolution, since one century is not enough for such changes.
Scientists believe that most of the transformations that have occurred over this period of time are the body's response to changes in conditions, such as improved nutrition, health care and hygiene.
Here are the main changes that have occurred to people over the last century.
Increasing human height
People have become taller
A recent study showed that in developed countries people have become taller and the highest average height in the world - 1.85 cm is observed in the Netherlands. Although Americans were the tallest people in the world during World War II (1.77 cm), growth rates plateaued towards the end of the 20th century.
And while average growth has increased in many countries, it has not been uniform. In some countries, stricken by disease, war and other problems, average height has declined from time to time.
Researchers believe that this suggests that negative factors such as famine or epidemics affect subsequent generations, and it takes about 5 generations to overcome these factors.
According to recent studies, it has been revealed relationship between growth and quality of life, and tall people are perceived as smarter and more influential.
Obesity problem
People are getting fatter
Since the 1970s, researchers have studied the growth dynamics of Mayan children and their families living in Guatemala, Mexico and the United States. When the Mayans moved to the United States, they became 11.4 cm taller than their peers in Guatemala and Mexico. However, their weight also increased, and they were more likely to suffer from obesity.
There is also a global trend towards weight gain. So in 2013 29 percent of the world's population was overweight or obesity.
Why people get fatter is a matter of scientific debate. Some researchers believe that this is to blame overeating and lack of physical activity. But there is also a theory that genetics play a role, as well as viruses that have been linked to obesity. Contrary to popular belief, many studies have found a link between excess weight and poverty.
Some researchers suggest that this trend is due to epigenetics or inherited changes that affect how the body stores excess energy from food.
For example, if your mother and grandmother went through hard times, this is passed on to the next generations, and when good times come, the body tries to store extra energy in the form of fat.
Early puberty
In many countries, children begin to mature earlier, especially girls. Many studies have shown that over the past half century the age at which girls reach puberty has decreased.
A US study found that the age at menarche fell by 0.3 years per decade from the mid-1800s, when the first period occurred at age 17, until the 1960s.
Research also indicates that there is connection between excessive obesity and early onset of puberty, and girls with a high body mass index reach puberty at an earlier age.
This can have negative health consequences, as studies have shown that early maturation is associated with the development of hypertension and diabetes later in life.
There are also social consequences. In some cultures, a girl who reaches puberty is considered old enough to marry, which means she has fewer opportunities to pursue further education or a career.
Human longevity and its negative consequences
People are living longer now than ever before. According to WHO, life expectancy worldwide has risen from 30 years in the 20th century up to 70 years old in 2012. Experts predict that the global average life expectancy for women born in 2030 will rise to 85 years.
Increased life expectancy is associated with advances in medicine, improvements sanitation and access to clean water.
However, while these factors have reduced death rates from infectious diseases, death rates from degenerative diseases such as Alzheimer's disease, heart disease and cancer have increased.
In other words, people live longer, but die from other diseases, than in the past.
Some scientists link the rise in autoimmune diseases such as multiple sclerosis and type 1 diabetes to improved hygiene. That is, when the body is exposed to too few germs, the immune system overreacts to even the most benign germs.
Human development in the future
What does the future hold for people, given how quickly technology is changing our world?
There is some concern that the future of evolution will be determined by genetic engineering. Bionic implants, nanotechnology and new drugs can further extend human life.
Some scientists believe that we can achieve immortality through technology in the next 30 years. Although it sounds like science fiction, it is clear that humans are rapidly evolving and technology is having an impact on this. big influence.
At present, advanced representatives of science do not doubt the fact that millions of years ago man gradually separated from the animal world. Material scientists have deeply studied the process of turning the ancients into... Qualitative and profound changes in the appearance of a person and him turned out to be associated with his social and labor activities.
The creation and purposeful use of tools is a distinctive feature of man.
With the help of even the most primitive tools, man was able to provide himself and his relatives with the most necessary things for life. This sharply reduced human dependence on the influence of natural factors and reduced the importance of natural selection, which plays an important role in the development of biological species.
In the process of collective labor activity, people united into social groups. This led to the emergence and development of speech as a way of exchanging messages. At the same time, the vocal apparatus and those areas of the brain that are responsible for thinking and speech developed. But the sense organs, so important, have lost their significance, vision, smell and hearing have become dull.
How man developed and changed
There is every reason to assume that the ancestors of modern apes and humans were the narrow-nosed apes, herds of which lived in the ancients. This largely determines the similarity between humans and primates in external features and behavior. But there are also significant ones.
Having descended from and moved on to terrestrial habitation, human ancestors acquired upright walking. The forelimbs thus freed could be used to perform simple labor operations. Straightening the body led to a shift in the center of gravity, which caused a restructuring of the skeletal system and musculoskeletal system. The spine has become more flexible.
Over time, the ancient man developed a springy, arched foot, the pelvis expanded slightly, and the chest also became wider.
The movements of a developing person have become more free. A step forward in evolution was the opposability of the thumbs, which enabled humans to make more complex and precise hand movements. The separate thumb made it possible to securely hold weapons and tools in the hand.
With the advent of tools, hunting weapons and fire, the human diet also changed. Food cooked over fire reduced the load on the masticatory digestive apparatus. The intestines gradually became shorter, and the structure of the facial muscles changed. In the course of slow mutational changes, the oral apparatus and larynx were gradually transformed. As a result, a person received developed speech organs.
The described changes did not occur immediately, but stretched over many hundreds of generations. Man acquired his modern appearance approximately 40-50 thousand years ago. Since then, there have been dramatic changes in people's lifestyles, unprecedented technological capabilities have appeared, but the appearance of man has not changed significantly.
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Some of them may even contradict the conclusions reached by the authors. These are thoughts evoked by the entire range of materials presented in this collection.
1. The only general rule is that in each department
In any case of change, we must carefully analyze the specific
figures of this situation. Recognizing that no other generalizations apply
exists, leads to one important conclusion: any attempt to consider
looking at the situation through the prism of a predetermined scheme is most likely
will be unsuccessful. We will be able to effectively use what we have from
known, only if we realize how little we know.
2. Understanding the conditions of a specific situation will allow us to develop
create an intervention appropriate to change the given situation. IN
depending on the situation, the details may vary, but they are in any case
tea is, and we always need to be attentive to them.
3. In any condition, change upsets the balance. When it
occurs, both external and internal pressures often arise,
aimed at canceling it and restoring balance.
But if equilibrium is restored to a new and higher level, then
there will be forces at work that support this new, more preferable
new position. To ensure the sustainability of the change, its agent
you must work with the consequences of this change until
this stage will not be reached.
4. A purely arbitrary change is extremely rare. That's how much
a direct ban turns out to be simplistic and ineffective. People
always act in such a way that it is better for them, although in a very peculiar way
good reasons. Perhaps these foundations will be weak and unconstructed
tive, but they can be considered sufficient if we understand especially
the living conditions of a particular individual. If a person changes, then we
must bear in mind that he is giving up something and therefore has
every right to expect that he will receive something in return for what he was given
forced to refuse. Robert Ruark 1 once wrote a book “Something About
values”, dedicated to changes in customs and relationships in
modern Africa. In the introduction he says that if you want to
people have given up what is dear to them, then in return you must offer
something more valuable to them. This should not be forgotten when we plan
We are intervening for change. Something valuable at an early stage
can provide a relationship with a psychotherapist, but then it must
be supported by the world in which the patient lives.
5. Another issue is related to the randomness of change. Somebody
Some people do not change, although they have a desire to change. Others
change, despite the fact that they don’t want to and don’t understand that they can
change. People who want to change do not put anything before us.
1 See: Ruark R. Something of Value. Garden City. N.Y.: Doubleday, 1955.
Curtis R., Stricker D. How people change inside and outside therapy 587
What problems, except for testing our skills. But what are the ethical implications beyond the prescribed (instituting) process of change if a person does not want and does not understand them? I don't have an answer to this question. But I want you to become more aware of the problems that can arise when we do not have a contractual relationship with a patient or we violate it.
6. The erudition of a psychotherapist is not limited to therapy. That's how much
both clinical and social psychologists have a lot to teach
us and each other. This possibility is sometimes veiled because they
different problems are studied in different laboratories, and the problem being studied
Ma often sets the structure of its solution. The main source of controversy
which lead to change, researchers can see in their own way
mu depending on the problem being studied, but this should not lead us astray
sense to such an extent that we neglect all other sources
nicknames
7. What to focus on: how People change, or how
We can we push them to change? Should we aim for
personality change as such, or whether the main thing for us should be
the process by which this change occurs? Perhaps it is
This is where the border between social and clinical psychologists lies
mi. Should we focus on external reality, how are things going?
are social psychologists, or, like clinical psychologists, are trained
focus primarily on internal change? This reminds
There is a discussion on the problem of the relationship between the individual and the environment, the most
the economical solution of which lies in the concept of their interaction.
A social psychologist who ignores the dynamics of internal change
individual and not seeing his active response to an attempt to intervene,
will fail at least sometimes or with some people
mi. Clinical psychologist trying to change the inner world without
taking into account whether reality will support this change is hardly possible
produces a significant and lasting result. Our perspective is
recognizing the interaction between internal and external rather than choosing
between them.
8. If we want the effect of our external interventions
was durable, then you need to remember that their value is determined by how
the effect they have on internal structures. We torture
Let's change feelings, cognitive processes (cognitions), knowledge,
person's expectations and motivation. Thus, we provide personal
the ability to respond to one's environment in a different way. If ok
If the weapon does not support the changes caused, then most likely they will not
will be long lasting. Here again we need to expand, not su
reap our perspective.
9. The main means of changing a person is education.
It is much more than the transfer of information. ABOUT
588 Topic 14. Personal development
Necessities of education (experiential learning) They speak continuously, pointing out the key role of the teacher. The success of a teacher is determined both by what he does and, most importantly, by what he represents as a person. In an intense relationship between teacher and students, contact is formed, but resistance, often unconscious, prevents joint progress towards a common goal. The change agent's skill is demonstrated to the extent to which he is able to facilitate the development and maintenance of these relationships, opening up the possibility of constructing a form of them that can facilitate change.
10. In light of ideas about the decisive role of the change agent, the question arises, is it possible to become a psychotherapist or does one have to be born? There are some qualities such as sensitivity, contact and sociability (as capacity for human sensitivity, relatedness, and connectedness), which are not easy to acquire. They are absolutely necessary, but not sufficient for change to occur. However, there are certain techniques that we can learn, certain skills that we can hone, and there is certain knowledge, theory and understanding of how to lead the process of change. As Bettelheim writes in the title of his book: “Love alone is not enough.” 1
In this book we have seen a huge number of examples and different explanations of the change process. Which explanation is correct? It should not be forgotten that theories cannot be true or false. We can say that they can be useful or useless for the correct perception and understanding of reality. Instead of searching for one correct explanation, I would suggest keeping all explanations in mind and selecting from them what can be built into a coherent, reality-based explanation that helps you understand and bring about change. Some explanations are more appropriate for some people than others, and some are more appropriate for some situations than others. Many explanations can be developed, the creative combination of which can be so powerful that they push us toward greater understanding and lead us to a more promising path to fulfilling our purpose of helping people change.
1 See: Bettelheim V. Love is Not Enough: The Treatment of Emotionally Disturbed Children. Glencoe, IL: Free Press, 1950.
D. P. Schultz HEALTHY PERSONALITY 1
What is a healthy personality? What are the characteristics of a person who has a healthy personality? How does such a person act, think and feel? Can you or I become a healthy person?
These questions are increasingly being asked not only by psychologists, but also by millions of other people. As you might expect, these questions are followed by many different answers. There are a lot of books from the “self-help” series, guides that promise a new life. Some of them are banal, grandiloquent and meaningless, while others have potential value in helping us better understand ourselves.
Many Americans attend trainings and participate in various forms of group psychotherapy, where they explore and expose their inner selves (as well as their bodies). Criminals and drug addicts, students and teachers, workers and managers, young and old, thin and fat, participating in such experiences, apparently discover changes and resources in themselves that they had not even suspected before.
The main theme of this very popular movement is to find and define a healthier self. The emphasis in this movement is not so much on healing childhood conflicts and past emotional traumas, but on releasing hidden talents, reserves of creativity, energy and motivation. The main thing is what a person can become, not what he is now or what he was in the past.
Psychology, which has studied primarily mental illness rather than mental health, has long neglected the study of a person's potential for personal growth. But in recent years, more and more psychologists are beginning to recognize the ability to change and grow as a person.
1 Schultz D.P. Growth Psychology: Models of the Healthy Personality. N.Y. etc.: Van Nostrand Reinhold Company, 1977. P. 1-5, 143-146. (Translation by El. Zagryazhskaya.)
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“Personal growth psychologists” (most of them consider themselves humanistic psychologists) offer a new perspective on human nature. The personality type they have in mind is different from those previously described in the traditional branches of psychology: behaviorism and psychoanalysis.
Humanistic psychologists criticize traditional approaches because they believe that behaviorism and psychoanalysis take a narrow view of human nature and do not take into account the heights to which people can rise. They accuse behaviorism of viewing a person as a machine - “a complex system whose behavior occurs in a natural way” 1. Behaviorists describe the individual as an ordered, regulated, predetermined organism, no more spontaneous, alive and creative than, for example, a thermostat. Psychoanalysis shows us only the sick or disfigured side of human nature, as it focuses on neurotic and psychotic behavior. Freud and his followers study not a healthy person, but a person with emotional disturbances, i.e. the worst, not the best, of human nature.
Neither behaviorism nor psychoanalysis deals with our potential for personal growth, with our desire to become bigger and better than we are. In fact, they paint us a rather pessimistic picture of human nature. Behaviorists see us as passive reactors to external stimuli, and psychoanalysts see us as victims of biological forces and the conflicts of childhood.
For personal growth psychologists, a person is much more than this. They do not consider a person to be an eternal victim of these forces, although most of them do not deny that external stimuli, instincts and childhood conflicts influence personality. We can and must rise above our past, above our biological nature and the circumstances of our environment. We must develop and grow personally independent of these potentially overpowering forces. Personal growth psychologists paint an optimistic and hopeful picture of a person. They believe in our ability to open up and enrich ourselves, to develop and fulfill our potential, to become all that we are capable of becoming.
Proponents of the human potential movement assume that there is a desired level of personal growth and development that is above the “normal” and argue that a person must strive for this higher level in order to realize, fully update your potential. In other words, it is not enough to free yourself from emotional disorders - the absence of neurotic or psychotic behavior is not a sufficient criterion for determining a healthy personality. This is only the first, although it is obligatory
1 Skinner B.F. Beyond Freedom and Freedom. N.Y.: Knopf, 1971. P. 202.
Schultz D. Healthy personality 591
An exciting step on the path of personal growth and self-realization. The individual must achieve more.
This point of view may be discouraging to those who believe that avoiding mental illness is already difficult enough. Now they are told that being normal is not enough, that they are missing out on the opportunity to achieve a higher level of personal growth, i.e. some kind of “supernormality”. But what's wrong with being just normal? Why should you strive for a higher level of development if your life (without neuroses and psychoses) is rich and meaningful? You may know the answers to these questions from your own experience. After all, you can be completely healthy (in the sense of the absence of emotional disorders and provided that your needs and desires are sufficiently satisfied) and at the same time unhappy.
If we trust what personal growth psychologists say (and perhaps our own experience), we will agree that it is possible to be satisfied in all areas of life and at the same time suffer from excruciating boredom, stagnation, hopelessness and meaninglessness. Apparently, even under ideal conditions, we can feel the gaping emptiness of our life, as if there is nothing significant in it, although we are not able to determine what is wrong. We can live comfortably, have a good job, a warm and loving family, not worry and at the same time we will not have great joy, all-encompassing inspiration, a strong sense of calling or duty. (dedication or commitment). Obviously, in this case we feel that not everything is so good. Despite our outward well-being, our lives are not as full as they could be.
A vivid description of a man who, at first glance, had everything perfect, was given by the Russian writer Leo Tolstoy. This man was so crushed by an overwhelming sense of the meaninglessness of existence that he was on the verge of suicide. He asked: “Why should I live?” Tolstoy knew well the suffering that he described, because he wrote about himself.
I felt that what I stood on had given way, that I had nothing to stand on, that what I lived on was no longer there, that I had nothing to live on... My life stopped...
And then I, a happy man, hid the rope from myself so as not to hang myself on the crossbar between the cabinets in my room, where every evening I... [undressed]; I stopped going hunting with a gun so as not to be tempted by the too easy way of ridding myself of life. I didn't know what I wanted. I was afraid of life, longed to get away from it and, meanwhile, expected something else from it.
And this happened to me at a time when on all sides I had what is considered perfect happiness. I had a kind, loving and beloved wife, good children and a large estate, which grew and increased without any difficulty on my part. I was respected by loved ones and acquaintances, more than ever before, I was praised by strangers and could consider that my name was glorious without much self-delusion. At the same time, not only was I not crazy or spiritually unhealthy, on the contrary, I enjoyed both spiritual and physical strength,
592 Topic 14. Personal development
What I rarely saw among my peers: physically I could work in the mowing, keeping up with the men; mentally I could work for 8-10 hours straight without experiencing any consequences from such stress...
What will come of what I do today, what will I do tomorrow, what will come of my whole life? Why should I live, why should I desire anything, why should I do anything? Is there any meaning in my life that would not be destroyed by the inevitable death that awaits me?
These questions are the simplest thing in the world. They sound in the soul of every person - from a stupid child to a wise old man. As I have seen from my own experience, it is impossible to continue living without an answer to them 1 .
Tolstoy wrote about his mental turmoil when he was fifty years old, and it cannot be considered that at that time he was a healthy person. This brings us back to the original question: what is a healthy personality? So far we have only talked about what it is not. And there is a good reason for this - we do not know what constitutes a healthy personality, because there is little agreement among psychologists working in this area. There are quite a few definitions of a healthy personality - so many that they can be collected in the form of a small book. The best we can achieve at this level of our knowledge is to explore those concepts of real psychological health that seem to us most complete, and understand what they say about us.
I will discuss models of healthy personality proposed by Gordon Allport, Carl Rogers, Erich Fromm, Abraham Maslow, Carl Jung, Viktor Frankl, and Fritz Perls. These theories are selected among others as the most developed, recognized, influential and attention-grabbing in modern psychology. Although not all of these theorists are personal growth psychologists, each of them believes that there is a certain level of personal development that is above normal, and according to this criterion fits into the general direction of personal growth psychology.
The concept of a healthy personality is vital. Its content is difficult to understand, it is complex, controversial, there are a lot of gaps, half-truths and, undoubtedly, there is something strange and bizarre. As such, it reflects the area it is trying to cover - the person's personality.
Many psychologists believe that the study of healthy personality should be the focus of psychology; What other discipline should study human health? (human condition)? What, if not a person, can change the world for the better or for the worse?
1 James W. The Varieties of Religious Experience. N.Y.: Longmans, Green, 1920. P. 153-153. This passage is almost entirely quoted from the Russian edition of W. James “The Variety of Religious Experience” (St. Petersburg: Andreev and Sons, 1910/1992, pp. 130-131), the translators of which, in turn, used one of the published versions of the text of “Confession” » L.N. Tolstoy. For a slightly different version, see, for example, in the collection: Tolstoy L.N. I can't remain silent. M.: Soviet Russia, 1985. S. 50, 54.
Schultz D Healthy personality 593
Does anything have a greater impact on the content of our lives than the degree of psychological health with which we solve our problems?
As Abraham Maslow put it so clearly: “If you deliberately plan to become less than you can be, I warn you that you will be miserable for the rest of your life.” 1<.„>
The question is rhetorical and very pressing. Many of us have probably encountered almost insoluble situations in life, when we need to maintain relationships and want to, and there is love, and a desire to be together, but, alas, one thing becomes an obstacle to all this: someone has to change in some way .
Situations are different: a person can either drink too much, or be zealous, or cheat. Maybe he has a terribly difficult character, is overly touchy or hysterical. He can be an unbearable fan of football matches, and for a ticket to the next match, as they say, “he will sell his own mother.” Someone is an incorrigible workaholic and cannot find even a little free time to communicate with their family, give a summer house or renovate their apartment. And some people can’t live an hour without calling a friend or consulting with their mother about any little thing.
Everyone has their own “problems”, their own shortcomings, their own “pain points”. But in all other respects, life with this person is wonderful, and there’s nothing else to complain about. But it is precisely this feature that interferes with life, spoils everything in the bud and is the main obstacle on the path to happiness and well-being. So, willy-nilly, it spreads to all spheres of life together: everyday, intimate, worldview.
So, precisely when we are on the verge of separation, a complete severance of all relationships, we ask ourselves the question: is it possible to change a person? And there will be only one answer: it is very difficult and almost impossible to change a person if he himself does not want it.
There are several options for the development of events.
1) It is practically impossible to change a person against his will. This is unlikely to be achieved by scandals, threats, leaving and filing for divorce. Most likely, he will simply get angry, conclude that you did not understand him, did not accept him, do not love him... And the situation will remain unresolved.
2) A person can be changed by external life circumstances. Such as, for example, the army, a new job, taking off in or going broke in business, the birth of a child, the realization that you can lose someone close. During these periods, there is a reassessment of values, a look at one’s behavior, one’s life and actions.
It is bad and difficult if the cause of change is the death of someone close, life shocks, an accident, war or tragedy. After all, this is, in a sense, a “withdrawal”, a stress factor, and it is not a fact that a person will remain psychologically healthy, happy and ready for a full life. Although, sad as it may sound, it is negative life events that change a person for the better, make him stronger, expand his worldview, and make him think about life more globally and constructively. (But there are, of course, a number of cases when a person “breaks down,” becomes embittered, falls to the bottom, and becomes a fatalist after bad events).
3) A person can change if he himself wants it at least a little, understands how important it is for his life partner, his loved ones and loved ones. In this case, you need to help and support him in every possible way, facilitate him with all your mental strength and financially available means, negotiate and discuss his every step on the path to change.
4) There is, of course, another cunning and time-consuming way. You need to have patience, ingenuity and psychological “cunning”. And over a considerable period of time, try to make a person want to change himself. But this is a very delicate process that requires mental work, endurance and great desire. And one more important nuance: if you want to correct an obvious flaw in your partner (a destructive outlook on life, degradation, irrational delusions), this is a good and necessary thing. But if you want to adjust it simply to your tastes, standards or interests, then it’s better to think about whether you have the right to do this, is it humane in relation to the individual, will you be interested in an “artificially” created partner, will you want to manipulate him again and again.
Of course, it is worth noting that the older a person gets, the more difficult it is to change him in some way. The fact is that our personal characteristics are given to us not only by nature, they are also formed throughout life, depending on upbringing, environment, personal life, professional fulfillment and much more. Character and temperament are natural components, but ideological attitudes, tastes, motivations for actions, views are a product of the social environment and personal experience. So if the “candidate for change” is still in the age period from 16-18 years to approximately 26-28, then the chance of change is quite real.
During this period, a person can find himself in a different environment at a university and make important decisions regarding his future life, profession, and occupation. During this period of his life, his company will most likely change, and he will find a new circle of friends and acquaintances. At this age, they can change several times and, finally, the basic views on life will be formed. A person can come to create a family. And all of this, by the way, can be contributed to if there is a desire and opportunity. And the result is very real, because in such “sensitive” periods of life (the most sensitive, and therefore turning, decisive) changes in personality are most likely.
But at an older age, a person’s life enters a certain direction, opinions are confirmed, beliefs become stronger, stereotypes become ossified, and the worldview remains inactive. On top of everything else, habits, tastes and lifestyles are firmly established. And at this stage it is almost impossible to change a person without his will.
But in general, we need to say: love each other, try to understand and accept the person for who he is. After all, each of us has some shortcomings or something that another person may not like. Think, maybe someone loves you and appreciates you not only “for” something, but also "in spite of". Well, if we are talking about serious life mistakes, try to support your partner, use all means and methods to push him to make an independent decision about change.