According to psychologists, a person’s character is an individual set of personal properties that determine a person’s attitude towards everything around him and are manifested in the actions he commits.
The most basic, basic character traits are laid down in early childhood; we can confidently say that already at 5-6 years old a child has a sufficiently developed character. Already in the second year of life, the boy demonstrates strong-willed qualities to adults, and by the age of 3-4 years the child’s business qualities are already formed.
All signs of communicative tendencies appear at the age of 4-5 years, when the child begins to actively participate in role-playing games in a group of other children.
While studying at school, the process of character formation continues, but if parents and teachers have the maximum influence on a student in the elementary grades, then starting from the middle grades, the child listens more and more to the opinions of his peers, but in high school, the assessments and recommendations of adults again become important.
During this age period, the young person is also significantly influenced by the media.
In the future, the character will change somewhat based on personal meetings, relationships with other people; at an older age, some personality traits change again, but for different reasons.
At the age of 50, a person seems to be on the border between the past and the future; he no longer makes grandiose plans for his future life, but it is still too early to completely immerse himself in memories. After 60 years, a person already clearly understands the full value of both the past and the present, he begins to be slow and measured in his reasoning and actions, even if such qualities were not inherent before.
Can an adult change his character?
After reaching thirty years of age, dramatic changes in character occur extremely rarely, but still it is never too late to change yourself. At any point in life, a person can influence those traits of his character that he does not like; there are many methods for this, but the main thing is that the decision to change must be voluntary and conscious.
In such a situation, a systematic approach will greatly help. On a separate piece of paper, you need to write down those character traits that cause irritation, and opposite each one, write down exactly how they manifest themselves. Having weighed everything written, it will be much easier for a person to control himself and prevent future unwanted actions on his part.
The process of character formation is long, complex, and getting rid of unpleasant traits will not be easy, but it is still possible, and a person will feel especially uncomfortable during the first week after making a decision. When control over undesirable character traits becomes a habit, it will be much easier to monitor your behavior, and the person himself will not notice how his life and the lives of his loved ones will change for the better.
Perhaps one of the most common and dangerous human misconceptions about a person is the belief that oneself, one’s personality cannot be changed. This faith rests on the conviction that there are qualities, abilities, tastes, habits and shortcomings assigned to us that represent the essence of our personality and cannot be changed. One often hears “Well, that’s the kind of person I am (lazy, without certain abilities, necessary qualities, etc.) I can’t do it any other way and there’s nothing you can do about it.”. Many people think so and carry this belief all their lives.
So is it possible to change your personality? If yes, then how can you change yourself?
Is it possible to change yourself?
Or, indeed, personality is something imperishable and unchangeable, and all the metamorphoses that can occur in it are, so to speak, cosmetic and do not concern its essence. I am sure that you can change yourself and for the better: get rid of personal shortcomings, acquire and develop certain qualities, change your character...
Anyone can, if they want, transform themselves beyond recognition: overcome “natural” cowardice and shyness, becoming strong and confident, moderate their tendency to worry and worry, gaining strong nerves and equanimity. Yesterday's timid and downtrodden young man can become a sociable and young man simply by making some effort.
And it would be a mistake to believe that timidity and isolation are in this young man’s blood and that he is “naturally” tense and not adapted to communication. This mistake, this misconception is not harmless, from a practical point of view, of a nature, such as the misconception that Singapore is the capital of Africa (of course, provided that you do not take the final exams in geography at the institute, and if you fail, you will not A lot of unforgettable impressions await you in the vast expanses of our homeland as part of an army unit).
This false belief is much more dangerous than the harmless geographical one, because, believing that you cannot change yourself, you give up, are afraid to make efforts to work on yourself and live with your shortcomings, which prevent you from living and poison the lives of those around you of people.
Why am I so sure that Is it possible to change yourself?
Firstly, the human species is naturally equipped with a strong adaptive potential, the ability to change, adapting to the conditions of the surrounding reality. This makes a person flexible and makes it possible to change either under external influence or by controlling conscious efforts of the will from the inside, commensurating this effort with the internal need to change the personality. (in the context of this resource, we are interested in the latter, namely conscious management of how we will change and whether we will change at all. We ourselves want to decide what we should become? Right?)
Secondly, there are many examples of how people changed either for the worse or for the better. One such example is myself, the author of these lines. By overcoming internal resistance, I managed to become more self-confident, disciplined, organized and sociable.
This has manifested itself in an improvement in my quality of life and the realization of significant life achievements. But before, I also considered laziness, a tendency to worry and depression, cowardice, shyness, the inability to control oneself and control one’s feelings as my primordially enduring qualities and did not believe in the possibility of changing them.
It seemed to me that I am who I am and will remain so. Reality showed that I was wrong: I coped with depression and anxiety and panic attacks without any pills or treatment, my mathematical abilities improved, (I previously thought that I had none at all), even my musical tastes changed (not just changed, but expanded very much) and much more, this list can be continued for a very long time.
The value of fighting yourself
So I will insist that the reader of these lines, instead of ruining himself by believing in the immutability of his personality, still takes it and tries to work on himself and change. Even if he fails to become what he wants, his efforts will still be rewarded. Because struggling and trying to cope with the internal resistance that will definitely arise along the way if you want to change yourself always pays off!
By acting in spite of resistance, against your weaknesses and ingrained habits, you train your will and strengthen your character. The degree of control over your feelings increases and a sober understanding of what is happening inside you and what guides you comes!
And exactly the opposite. An individual who is accustomed to viewing himself as a set of unchangeable characteristics, habits, shortcomings and pathologies is always led by his character and weaknesses. He remains as he is.
His will is not tempered in the fight against feelings; he is controlled by his Ego, fears and complexes. Every day he capitulates to them: his will weakens, and his true essence begins to fade behind the abundance of shortcomings and habits.
Internal struggle and resistance and their value are the core of my system of self-development and self-improvement. The value of these things is not only of an instrumental nature (i.e., not necessarily only a means to achieve a certain goal: the fight against complexes in order to defeat them), but also carry great value in themselves. I will write about this more than once in more detail.
Can personality change?
You must understand that your true personality is not a collection of habits, upbringing and childhood traumas. All this is just tinsel and habits of the mind and feelings!. This is a profit, i.e. appeared as you grew and will also disappear as soon as you want it: after all, all this is not written in your genes. Personality is a dynamic concept, constantly changing, and not something predetermined forever!
Well, of course, there are some natural limitations, innate inclinations, etc. Something that you have no influence on, and I understand that very well. At the same time, I see a general need to exaggerate the number of personality factors that supposedly cannot be influenced.
What is simply an acquired shortcoming, manifested as a result of laziness and reluctance to do something, is mistakenly perceived by many as a natural and once and for all defined personality trait! Perhaps this is just a psychological trick designed to relieve a person of responsibility for his character.
This is the same blatant misconception as “innate illiteracy”! (well, think about how it can be innate? We are all born without knowledge of language, our first words are the simplest syllables “MOM” “DAD”) In fact, there are many properties of our being that we fundamentally cannot influence due to natural, There are far fewer natural restrictions than we are all accustomed to believing.
And you will see this for yourself when, as a result of your self-development, you experience many positive personal metamorphoses that will affect those qualities of yours that you previously considered ingrained in you forever.
My experience of personal metamorphoses
I myself managed to overcome many internal negative character traits that bothered me since childhood and would continue to bother me and ruin my life (and I was a very weak and sickly child, and then a young man and had many shortcomings (and still have them, but much less)). It’s a pity that I didn’t pay attention to them even then and didn’t start working on myself, gaining confidence that I was able to cope with it.
And practice only confirmed my confidence, giving me valuable results both in terms of developing my internal potential and in the context of improving factors of external comfort and order (relationships with people, financial situation, life achievements, etc.), as a reflection of personality changes.
Usually those who say “I am such a person and will remain that way” have never tried to do something with themselves and change for the better. Then how do they know that nothing can be done?
How to change yourself? This is a big question and almost all materials on this site will be devoted to this. After all, self-development and self-improvement imply changing oneself and this is always the case. Therefore, this article is simply an attempt to destroy the established misconception and call for action and perhaps instill hope in someone that you can change yourself. And you can find specific recommendations now and later as they are published on the pages of this site - the topic is very broad.
Is it unnatural to change for the better?
Once I ran into such an objection. “Like, yes, you can change yourself, but why do it? Isn't this unnatural? You are who you are, why show violence against a person?”
I asked counter questions: “Well, what do you think shaped your personality, what factors influenced its formation? Why are you the way you are now? It must be due to upbringing, parents, social circle and some innate parameters (heredity, natural predispositions, etc.).
Basically, all these factors are random, those that you could not influence. After all, parents are not chosen and social circles are not always chosen either. Not to mention heredity and genes. It turns out that you consider the development of you as a person under the influence of external, arbitrary factors that do not greatly depend on your will to be natural.
And attempts to consciously influence your character and habits, based on an understanding of who you want to become and the formation of what qualities in you meet your goals - does this mean unnatural? To be led by external circumstances, attributing everything to chance...
What is so right and natural about this? And why is conscious work on oneself, changing oneself for the better in order to achieve happiness and harmony perceived as violence against oneself?”
On the contrary, by independently determining the vector of your own development, you bring the order into your life that you yourself desire and do not allow external circumstances to completely decide what you will be like. This brings you closer to the implementation of your life plan, to satisfaction with yourself, your life and your environment, which you choose yourself, and are not content with what external circumstances have imposed on you.
Regarding the question “why change yourself?” I answer this question, perhaps, in most of my articles, both explicitly and implicitly. I will answer again. Self-development is a dynamic process of continuous improvement of all the best human qualities.
The best and worst qualities of a person
By best qualities I mean those qualities of nature that correspond to considerations of personal comfort and happiness, harmonious relationships with people, success in life, overcoming difficulties, inner peace, order of thoughts, health, willpower and spiritual freedom.
Bad qualities are those that make us suffer, get angry, be torn by internal contradictions, complicate our lives and poison the lives of those around us, make us sick, dependent on passions and desires, weak morally and physically.
By developing good qualities and freeing yourself from bad qualities, you strive for happiness and freedom, but by doing the opposite, you fly into the abyss of suffering and dependence. Self-development implies the first. When you promote the development of the best qualities of your nature, you change, as new abilities appear in you and old shortcomings disappear. This is the meaning of self-development in these positive personal metamorphoses.
That, in fact, is all, no sophisticated philosophy or relative morality, everything depends on your personal happiness and harmony, and not on some abstract ideas. This is what I want you to strive for and what this site is entirely dedicated to.
I have already said what a terrible mistake it is to believe that you cannot change yourself. But another more dangerous thing is the lack of need to change something in yourself. Many believe that they are already the crown of creation, the most worthy representatives of the human species, and they have seen all sorts of self-development sites in their graves.
It really happens that a person is really very developed, but most often he falls into the trap of his pride and pride, believing that he has nowhere to develop, because there is almost always the opportunity to move somewhere and improve something.
And besides, very often education and upbringing are not able to develop personal potential completely (and can even do harm in some places), leaving behind many gaping gaps, undiscovered abilities, hidden anxieties and complexes within the structure of individuality.
Therefore, in almost all cases, it is necessary to make an effort to make something out of oneself: after all, few people are so lucky that their educators and parents were able to give the leap necessary for harmonious development and resolve all emerging internal problems and contradictions.
If you're wondering is it possible to change yourself?, it means you recognize the presence of such properties in yourself that need to be changed and do not consider yourself an ideal and a dead end of development and everything is not so scary, you are taking the first steps towards self-development, standing on the threshold of wonderful metamorphoses.
All that remains is for you, armed with the support that I will provide you with my advice and recommendations for self-improvement, to move on this difficult but bright path with a song.
The question is rhetorical and very pressing. Many of us have probably encountered almost insoluble situations in life, when we need to maintain relationships and want to, and there is love, and a desire to be together, but, alas, one thing becomes an obstacle to all this: someone has to change in some way .
Situations are different: a person can either drink too much, or be zealous, or cheat. Maybe he has a terribly difficult character, is overly touchy or hysterical. He can be an unbearable fan of football matches, and for a ticket to the next match, as they say, “he will sell his own mother.” Someone is an incorrigible workaholic and cannot find even a little free time to communicate with their family, give a summer house or renovate their apartment. And some people can’t live even an hour without calling a friend or consulting with their mother about any little thing.
Everyone has their own “problems”, their own shortcomings, their own “pain points”. But in all other respects, life with this person is wonderful, and there’s nothing else to complain about. But it is precisely this feature that interferes with life, spoils everything in the bud and is the main obstacle on the path to happiness and well-being. So, willy-nilly, it spreads to all spheres of life together: everyday, intimate, worldview.
So, precisely when we are on the verge of separation, a complete severance of all relationships, we ask ourselves the question: is it possible to change a person? And there will be only one answer: it is very difficult and almost impossible to change a person if he himself does not want it.
There are several options for the development of events.
1) It is practically impossible to change a person against his will. This is unlikely to be achieved by scandals, threats, leaving and filing for divorce. Most likely, he will simply get angry, conclude that you did not understand him, did not accept him, do not love him... And the situation will remain unresolved.
2) A person can be changed by external life circumstances. Such as, for example, the army, a new job, taking off in or going broke in business, the birth of a child, the realization that you can lose someone close. During these periods, there is a reassessment of values, a look at one’s behavior, one’s life and actions.
It is bad and difficult if the cause of change is the death of someone close, life shocks, an accident, war or tragedy. After all, this is, in a sense, a “withdrawal”, a stress factor, and it is not a fact that a person will remain psychologically healthy, happy and ready for a full life. Although, sad as it may sound, it is negative life events that change a person for the better, make him stronger, expand his worldview, and make him think about life more globally and constructively. (But there are, of course, a number of cases when a person “breaks down,” becomes embittered, falls to the bottom, and becomes a fatalist after bad events).
3) A person can change if he himself wants it at least a little, understands how important it is for his life partner, his loved ones and loved ones. In this case, you need to help and support him in every possible way, facilitate him with all your mental strength and financially available means, negotiate and discuss his every step on the path to change.
4) There is, of course, another cunning and time-consuming method. You need to have patience, ingenuity and psychological “cunning”. And over a considerable period of time, try to make a person want to change himself. But this is a very delicate process that requires mental work, endurance and great desire. And one more important nuance: if you want to correct an obvious flaw in your partner (a destructive outlook on life, degradation, irrational delusions), this is a good and necessary thing. But if you want to adjust it simply to your tastes, standards or interests, then it’s better to think about whether you have the right to do this, is it humane in relation to the individual, will you be interested in an “artificially” created partner, will you want to manipulate him again and again.
Of course, it is worth noting that the older a person gets, the more difficult it is to change him in some way. The fact is that our personal characteristics are given to us not only by nature, they are also formed throughout life, depending on upbringing, environment, personal life, professional fulfillment and much more. Character and temperament are natural components, but ideological attitudes, tastes, motivations for actions, views are a product of the social environment and personal experience. So if the “candidate for change” is still in the age period from 16-18 years to approximately 26-28, then the chance of change is quite real.
During this period, a person can find himself in a different environment at a university and make important decisions regarding his future life, profession, and occupation. During this period of his life, his company will most likely change, and he will find a new circle of friends and acquaintances. At this age, they can change several times and, finally, the basic views on life will be formed. A person can come to create a family. And all of this, by the way, can be contributed to if there is a desire and opportunity. And the result is very real, because in such “sensitive” periods of life (the most sensitive, and therefore turning, decisive) changes in personality are most likely.
But at an older age, a person’s life enters a certain direction, opinions are confirmed, beliefs become stronger, stereotypes become ossified, and the worldview remains inactive. On top of everything else, habits, tastes and lifestyles are firmly established. And at this stage it is almost impossible to change a person without his will.
But in general, we need to say: love each other, try to understand and accept the person for who he is. After all, each of us has some shortcomings or something that another person may not like. Think, maybe someone loves you and appreciates you not only “for” something, but also "in spite of". Well, if we are talking about serious life mistakes, try to support your partner, use all means and methods to push him to make an independent decision about change.
Greetings friends! Question from our reader Alexander: Can a person truly change? That is, by working on yourself, to actually become a qualitatively different person, a different, stronger, more confident and brighter Personality? Or is everything predetermined by genes and, as you wrote in the article, by parental programming from childhood?
Great question! And all people need to know the answer to it, especially those who want to change something in themselves, reveal some talents, develop strong personal qualities and get rid of weaknesses, vices and shortcomings.
Answer: Yes! A person can change radically, change precisely as a Personality, and not just externally, by changing his image and all that. It is a myth that a person cannot be changed! You can't change only someone who doesn't want to change.
Also, I immediately want to remove the fear of many people who believe that if they change, they will lose themselves! This is absurd and boundless stupidity! A person loses himself, his soul, his individuality when he buries them under a thick layer of his problems, accumulated suffering and weaknesses, multiplied vices, negative emotions that corrode the soul and bad habits that destroy the body. This is what actually leads to a complete loss of oneself and one's individuality.
And a person who does not know who he is, why he lives, why he was born and what good he wants to do with his life - he never knew himself and his individuality, has not yet found it. Therefore, such a person has nothing to lose except his weaknesses, ignorance, delusions and problems. This person has not yet begun to understand himself and his inner world. Although I could read a bunch of “smart” books on the topic “How to live” and fill my intellect to capacity with theoretical knowledge, in reality, in practice, I would never move in life.
Most people who are so afraid of losing themselves and their individuality, in fact, have not even found themselves yet! Because 99% of them have no idea who they are! Who is this Man?
The basics of where a person’s ability to change and develop comes from
Of course, there are still adherents of the old materialistic worldview who naively believe that everything is in the genes, and nothing can be changed! But their theory has never been confirmed either historically or factually. After all, millions of people who have set the appropriate goal successfully change themselves, develop, overcome their problems and reveal their talents and their potential!
Let's look into history! How many outstanding brilliant scientists came from worker-peasant families! Mikhail Lomonosov - from the village, was the son of a Pomor from a family of fishermen. Where then do the genes of a brilliant scientist come from? Schubert was the son of a master who made carriages. Victor Hugo was the son of a farmer. All of Beethoven's relatives were involved in vineyards. The artist Orest Kiprensky was the son of a serf. And so on and so forth. And what do genes have to do with it, I ask you? By the way, three modern presidents - Putin, Lukashenko and the former president of Ukraine, Yanukovych, also come from the outback, from villages and simple working families.
The reverse is also true! When the modern scions of royal families, noble blood, dukes and princes - everywhere demonstrate weakness of character, descent into vices, stupidity, stupidity and any lack of nobility. How they destroy the worthy reputation of their noble ancestors that has developed over centuries and all the myths that genes determine everything, including a person’s personal qualities.
Nobility, dignity, honor, strength of character, talents and qualities - at all times were determined by purposeful long-term education, spiritual mentoring and continuous work of a person on himself! And you can read about these systems of human upbringing and development on the Internet.
Now to the point! To understand why a person can change, it is necessary to first understand who a Man is, what a Soul is and what a person’s Consciousness is:
After all, scientists have not yet found, either in the human body or in his genes, those hundreds and thousands of spiritual qualities and personal characteristics that people possess. Where exactly in the body is Honor, Influence, Leadership, Charisma, Love, and hundreds of other qualities, values and feelings? Because all these are the qualities of a person’s Soul, his consciousness!
Therefore, every person, if he wants, can change himself radically, form the necessary qualities, values, feelings, emotions, habits and reactions. If, of course, he knows how to do it.
But you need to keep in mind that changing yourself is always very difficult, painstaking and lengthy mental work. But it's worth it! After all, having gotten rid of at least one bad habit that ruins a person’s life (alcoholism, for example), his fate can radically change for the better. And by developing just one key quality, for example, discipline, a person can achieve 10 times more in his life than he had before. Therefore, it is always worth striving to change yourself! You just need to figure out and not make mistakes about what you need to get rid of, what to cultivate in yourself, and how to do it effectively.
But, before moving on to the question of how a person changes, let me remind you of the well-known wisdom: “It is impossible to change a person unless he very much wants it.” Therefore, the first condition for a person to change is that he himself must want it with all his soul!
And in order to understand how change and human development occurs, I suggest you read the following articles, just on this topic:
If you approach your development seriously and professionally, you can change a lot, because you can develop almost everything in yourself! Any problem can be solved! And any talent, any ability or quality that you have ever heard of can be revealed in yourself. The basis for this is Knowledge, appropriate Methods and work on yourself!
And further! 🙂 When someone tells you that a person cannot change, always look at the root - look at the person’s motives, why he says that. Very often this is said by those who want to justify themselves and their shortcomings, their own spiritual and mental laziness to change something in their lives and in themselves! And also those who really do not wish you well and may die of envy if suddenly you manage to become better, stronger, smarter and achieve much more than them.
Never focus on such people! Focus on the best! Those who never stop there and don’t justify their problems and weaknesses, but solve them! Who knows what it is to work on yourself and made yourself!
There are many such examples not only in history, but also in the modern world, These are billionaire businessmen, public figures, scientists and many others. etc. Most of them do not come from rich families and there were no brilliant scientists or hereditary billionaires among their ancestors. By the way, they write about this in their books. By their own example, by their own destiny, they prove to the whole world for the millionth time that a person can and must change if he wants to achieve something in this life!
If you have any questions or need to work with me as a mentor on an individual program -!