Just now, worried about the fate of the state, I published my vision of reforming Family Law.
The OZhP who came running began, of course, by shouting that we have a de-secular state and how should we deal with atheists in general, the Church is separated from the state, our state is secular and there is no God at all, etc. and so on.
It would seem, what difference does it make who proposes amendments to the Laws and on the basis of what worldview? It is necessary to look first of all at the essence of these amendments, at their logic, reasonableness and usefulness, and not at the nationality and religion of the author. For example, when in the Duma some deputy introduces some kind of legislative initiative, no one rejects it on the grounds that he, for example, is a Jew and was guided by his Jewish ideas about good and evil when drawing up his initiative. Nobody shouts that “down with article 105 of the Criminal Code, because we have a secular state, and article 105 is a punishment for violating the 6th Commandment of the Bible”? Or another well-known media character, Dmitry Seleznev, no one is shouting that we have a secular state and this is the 21st century, when he proposes to make changes to Family Legislation on the issue of alimony obligations. But he is a Jew by religion, what if he relied on the Bible when developing this initiative?
Men don't care about this. They are used to looking at the essence of the problem. Solve the question itself, and not discuss the personality of the person who asked it. The latter is the prerogative of women.
So here it is. In my article, I drew a red line through the entire history of mankind on the issue of the institution of marriage and family, starting from ancient pre-Christian Rome, Christian Rome itself during the time of the emperors Constantine and Justinian, through the history of the Russian Empire and to the present day.
Where the evolution of the institution of marriage and the consequences to which certain changes led were shown.
So. According to statistics, I made the following analogy:
1. The laws of God in family law in the Roman Empire and the Russian Empire - 3% of divorce.
2. Laws invented by the human mind in modern Russia and the world after 1917 - up to 93% of divorces, fornication, fatherlessness, social injustice, infringement of men in divorce.
The only reasonable conclusion that can be drawn from this is that you can’t argue with statistics, the situation is catastrophic, it is necessary to return to all the good things in family law that existed before the Bolsheviks “emancipated” women.
What conclusion did the women reading and commenting on my article make? Here are the ones:
1. Everything is great. There is no need to change anything, because now is the 21st century and the “emancipation” of women is an achievement of civilization. The way back is slavery and humiliation for women.
2. It is not clear why fornication, debauchery and divorce are so widespread all around - probably the “general decline of morals” and “both are always to blame for a divorce” are to blame.
3. It’s not clear what to do with all this, most likely you need to “give the woman more bonuses” - she won’t run away.
But after talking more closely with these women, I found out from them that their hostility to my amendments is based not only and not so much on an aversion to Christianity in general and Orthodoxy in particular, but rather on an unwillingness to lose freedom—the freedom to commit sin in marriage without fear of consequences. One even described her vision to me with a well-known line from one catchy song:
"I give my body to whomever I want,
My business - I give it to whoever I want..."
Those. fucking philosophy - do you understand? It’s as if serial killers were against the introduction of Art. 105 into the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.
Those. they don’t care about those unfortunate children for whom the divorce of their parents is a lifelong tragedy in any case. They don’t care about the catastrophic statistics regarding divorces and abortions, as long as divorces “for love” are not banned.
So. Without offering anything in return, these women are, in fact, de facto satisfied with the catastrophic divorce situation that reigns in our society. They deny all initiatives in this area if they, these initiatives encroach on their “right to fall out of love in marriage.”
Anyone who is satisfied with the current edition of the Family Code is either a harlot or blind.
Question. Can a woman be considered a good mother if she reserves the right to “stop loving” the father of her children and her husband, to leave him (divorce), at any time suitable for herself, if she thought that she had “met a new love”? Can a woman, in principle, be a good mother if she destroys with her own hands her own family, the family of her child, depriving him of a normal, dear, full-fledged family and his own father? Can a woman who does not respect her own choice of husband, who does not want to bear responsibility for this choice, and who is unable to save her first family, be a good mother?
M. QUEEN: Hello! This is the Let's Go! program. I'm Marina Koroleva. Can teenagers be good? – this is the topic we are discussing today. And let’s try to do this using the example of several countries at once, including Russia, Holland and, possibly, India. Nelly Litvak, teacher of higher mathematics at the University of Twente - this is Holland for us, author of the book “Our Good Teenagers”. Nellie, hello!
N. LITVAK: Hello!
M. KOROLEVA: Well, look - I open the book and see. Introduction: “My name is Nelly, I’m 38 years old, I’m a mathematician, I live in Holland, I work at one of the Dutch universities. I have two daughters, the eldest is 16 and the youngest is 4.” It's like that? Or has something already changed?
N. LITVAK: The eldest is 17 and the youngest is 5.
M. KOROLEVA: How long have you been living in Holland? Well, to understand the situation.
N. LITVAK: I have been living in Holland for 11 years.
M. KOROLEVA: And all this time you have been working there at the University, right?
N. LITVAK: Yes, at first I did my dissertation there for three years and only did scientific work. Since 2002, I have been teaching Dutch students and, accordingly, also doing scientific work. But I still have a lot of teaching work to do.
M. KOROLEVA: I’ll just tell our listeners right away that this book, “Our Good Teenagers,” is written in Russian and, as I understand it, written mainly for Russian parents. The book hasn't been translated, has it?
N. LITVAK: no.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, it is for us. Here it is for us! But the only thing is that somehow the thesis “our good teenagers”, with such a statement and with the emphasis on the word “good”, it immediately confused me a little. Because here I began to remember myself, my friends’ conversations about their teenage children, and I thought: “Oh my God! This is truly the most miserable time!” When you are a teenager, when you are no longer a small child, but when you are not yet an adult, you are simply unhappy! And yet, here I read that, according to statistics, Dutch children are the happiest in the world. I'm sorry, isn't this a stretch?
N. LITVAK: no, this is not a stretch at all. I think there was a UNICEF study in 2006, and they conducted research among 21 developed countries among teenagers about how happy they were. There were several indicators - education, health, safety, well-being - well, we are really talking about the countries of Western Europe and America, that is, a fairly high level of well-being - and interviews with the teenagers themselves. And Holland came out on top. Dutch teenagers are statistically truly the happiest teenagers in the world.
M. KOROLEVA: Still, is it we who take the factor of material well-being, their security, and so on, or is this conclusion made on the basis, indeed, of their own words? Do they recognize themselves as the happiest?
N. LITVAK: This is done on the basis, of course, of objective indicators, but to a very large extent this study uses interviews with the children themselves. And the Dutch children themselves, indeed - I came across these children very often and a lot, and I come across these children already grown up, when they become students - these are really very happy children. And everything in this country and in their relationship with their parents is aimed at making them happy.
M. KOROLEVA: You know, our Russian parent will answer this for you, who will pick up this book, or listen to you and say: “Just think! Well, I wish I could live in Holland...” If I knew the purchase, I would live in Sochi. “If I lived in Holland, I myself would be happy - and my children would be happy too.” What kind of secret is that? Let us little by little try to understand this issue, whether there is any method of creating a happy person out of a teenager. How do they do it, Dutch parents? By the way, do you consider yourself to be of Dutch parents? Or rather, to the Russians?
N. LITVAK: I feel Russian. I'm certainly not Dutch! But I must say that I myself grew up in a very tolerant family, which is probably different from many Russian families, and I later saw a lot of what was accepted in my family in Holland. And of course, while already there, I learned a lot from my Dutch parents. Many things shocked me at first.
M. KOROLEVA: Well, for example?
N. LITVAK: Well, for example, here’s a thing that shocked me. I just arrived in Holland. And we are working. We have scientific work. But how are we used to treating work in Russia? - It’s very important, we want a great result. And here we are working with a colleague, writing something with great enthusiasm. And he is the same age as me now – 37-38 years old. And suddenly at 5 o’clock in the evening my colleague closes everything, gets up and says: I have to go home. You see, this wording “I have to go home”... I think it’s at his house, I don’t know...
M. KOROLEVA: You probably asked?
N. LITVAK: Yes, I’m asking: what’s the matter? Nothing is the matter - the point is that he must be home on time! To prepare dinner, and at 6 pm they all sit down to have dinner. Therefore, if he doesn’t leave work now, at 5, then they simply won’t be able to all sit down to dinner together at 6, and so he now has to go home. He has two children, a wife, and at 6 they all have to sit at the table together. And it was a shock for me! I didn’t understand: how could this be? We are finishing the article, it needs to be sent... And then he suddenly gets up, and you see, he needs to have dinner with his family! What's happened?
M. KOROLEVA: How did he explain this to you?
N. LITVAK: I didn’t explain it at all. He got up and left.
M. KOROLEVA: And you had to figure it out yourself later.
N. LITVAK: I had to figure it out myself, and believe me, Marina, it took me seven years for it to finally dawn on me what happened on that day.
M. KOROLEVA: What happened?
N. LITVAK: And the following happened on that day. In Holland there is such an old principle. It's called the "three R's principle." This…..translates as “purity, peace, regularity.” The moment he went home, he realized the principle of regularity. Do you understand? It is customary in their family to sit down at the table every day at 6 o’clock with the whole family.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, it is not that in every Dutch family it is customary at 6 o’clock. Is it just customary in this particular family?
N. LITVAK: It is accepted in most Dutch families. Either at 6, or at half past five, or at half past seven. At 7 it is already considered late. But in most Dutch families it is customary for them all to sit down for dinner in the evening. The whole family. And this is very accepted. And this is sacred! And he can't break it. Do you understand? Sometimes you have to. Well, for example, he went to a conference. Then, of course, he'll miss the family dinner. But if this is just today’s normal work, then he will not sacrifice for the sake of today’s normal work...
M. KOROLEVA: That is, he will not call and say: I’m late, dears, I’m at a meeting... Or: my colleagues called me here, let’s say, and the party is urgent...
N. LITVAK: Unthinkable! Unthinkable! It's simply unthinkable.
M. QUEEN: My God! But, on the other hand, you say, this is an adult, he does this consciously. He already understands why he is doing this, why this principle is being implemented. But teenagers... Forgive me, it’s hard for me to imagine a 12-year-old, 14-year-old, 16-year-old teenager who will consciously speak like this, giving up all his teenage charms and affairs, he will say: no, I have dinner at 6 hours with my parents. This is fine? By some Russian standards, it seems to me that this is impossible!
N. LITVAK: Perhaps. The fact is that they are used to it since childhood. By the way, Dutch children learn to be independent very early - already at the age of one they try to eat something with a spoon. And they are used to the fact that, starting from a very early age, that at 6 o’clock they sit down with their parents to eat. And this is sacred! And the children themselves love it. You see, in Russia some kind of image has been created that children and teenagers do not like to communicate with their parents. It is necessary to communicate with parents!
M. KOROLEVA: Look, if you watch our series “School”, where children are, indeed, completely... - these are, of course, teenagers, boys, girls - they live a completely separate life! What kind of parents are there? There, teachers are the first enemies with whom they communicate every day. They see their parents from time to time. Therefore, for Russia, it seems to me that this is indeed the case. They don’t like it, as it seems, they don’t like it. Do you think this is not so?
N. LITVAK: This is certainly not so! Man is born with the need to love. And then let’s imagine... I’m a mathematician, I’ll now prove it to you by contradiction. Imagine that children do not like their parents. The question is: who do they love then?
M. KOROLEVA: They can love themselves, they can love their friends, right? More likely than parents, if we talk about teenagers. Not children, not small children - we are talking about teenagers.
N. LITVAK: Well, okay, where did this love go then? When children are little, they certainly adore their parents. No one will argue with this. Now you claim that at 6 years old they adore their parents, but at 12 they can’t stand them. Where does this love go? And why does it come back later as an adult? This love doesn't go anywhere. It’s just that in adolescence, in their rules of etiquette, it is not customary to demonstrate love for their parents. This is true. But love for parents does not go away. It’s just that parents, due to their inflated demands and due to the fact that they themselves are already afraid - because they have such an image in their heads that the teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me - are afraid to simply offer their company to the child. Because of this, this contact is lost. And therefore, parents do not receive enough manifestations of this love. And, by the way, teenagers also don’t get paid enough.
M. KOROLEVA: This is what we are talking to you about right now. Let's go back to Holland. We remembered about Russia: indeed, the Russian standard is like this, that is, there, starting around the age of 14, a child very seriously moves away from his parents, to the point that they feel like strangers. And, indeed, as you say, this love returns someday later, 10 years later. What's happening in Holland? How do they manage to keep them near them? If, of course, it succeeds.
N. LITVAK: It works out very easily. And, indeed, the child goes at 6 pm like a little darling, and with great pleasure sits down to eat with his parents.
M. KOROLEVA: With pleasure?
N. LITVAK: Yes!
M. KOROLEVA: Not because it’s necessary and not because they’ll punish you and won’t give you any pocket money?
N. LITVAK: No, with pleasure! Moreover, if, for example, such a family dinner did not work out for a couple of days in a row, then the children feel somehow confused. 70 percent of Dutch teenagers have a good relationship with their parents. This is statistics. And why? And it's very simple. Who do we like, with whom do we have a good relationship? With people who like us and with people who praise us, and with people who don’t demand too much from us. This is exactly what Dutch parents do.
M. KOROLEVA: You want to tell me that parents of teenagers in Holland praise their children, right? And yet they don’t demand too much from them? Well, this, excuse me, is at the level of just fairy tales.
N. LITVAK: It's true!
M. KOROLEVA: I don’t know, maybe you will prove this again with your mathematical meticulousness, maybe even by contradiction. Can you give me some examples?
N. LITVAK: Let me give you an example. I also have a wonderful colleague, he is so sweet, and smart, and so positive. He has two children. At that time, the eldest boy was 16 years old. And so I ask him: well, how is your boy doing? He says: oh, I have a wonderful boy, absolutely wonderful, handsome, already quite an adult. - Well, how are his studies? Well, how are his studies? But he is a smart boy, but he doesn’t want to study at all, he abandoned his studies and moved to a lower level. (The secondary school there is divided into several levels). At first he was at the highest level, now he has moved to a lower level. I put an earring in my ear... I say: well, does he have a girl? “The girl... I don’t know, maybe there is, but I haven’t seen her yet.” You see, if you
listen to this, you will think...
M. KOROLEVA: And he says this without horror.
N. LITVAK: Exactly! The most important thing is expression. He says all this with a smile! Kindness and love for his son shine in his eyes. I say: so what? - Everything is OK. I say: well, what will you do? - We won't do anything. Wonderful boy! What's wrong? He is not involved in bad company, has no bad habits, studies in an easier program - it’s easy for him to study, that’s why his grades are good. And then, he says, he will grow up and come to his senses. And you know - I came to my senses! This was all two or three years ago. I recently talked to him again. The boy finished school and did not want to study. I worked for a year at some jobs. And then I wanted to - I began to study and entered a technical school. He studied for the first year at the technical school, passed the exams, and is now studying chemical technology at the university, and every evening he and his dad sit in the kitchen and discuss quantum mechanics.
M. KOROLEVA: Yes. Well, come on, I'll perform at in this case as a representative of Russian parents. Let’s say an earring in your ear or even a ring in your nose is a must. I remember how my daughter changed her color... except she wasn’t green, she tried all the other colors. I watched this, realizing that, most likely, nothing catastrophic would happen, then she would return to her normal color. Which is exactly what happened. But when it comes to studying... Look how we used to think: a child cannot understand what is good for him in the future. And we see. We see this whole subsequent picture. If now he misses something in his studies, moves, as you say, to a lower level, that means that’s it! This means losses in a future career, losses in training. Is not it so?
N. LITVAK: You know, this is indeed a very difficult question. And the question is correct. Because in Holland, in fact, with any level of education you can find a good job and live a normal life, but in Russia this is not the case. You need to earn a living, and, of course, you need to study, you need higher education. A child is raised to a large extent by society. In Holland the society is not very ambitious. Dutch society does not push children to achieve heroic deeds. But Russian society pushes. Our children grow up in an environment where achievement is rewarded, where it is considered good to succeed...
M. KOROLEVA: Are you talking about school or family at the moment?
N. LITVAK: I think about society as a whole. About the values of society as a whole. And children, of course, feel these values too.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, they do not feel pressure.
N. LITVAK: It seems to me, yes. And so I think you can't underestimate their self-motivation, really. It's the same in studies. You see, it seems to me that many Russian parents are so worried about this study that they simply almost take it upon themselves. But in fact, in Holland the most important principle in children’s education is self-motivation. In general, the attitude of parents and schools in Holland is a different matter. I hope we have time to talk about this. You see, in Holland a very big emphasis is placed on the child’s self-motivation. And actually, if you think about it, that's right. Imagine... Of course, it’s dangerous to say directly: study as you want, I don’t care. I probably wouldn't do that.
M. KOROLEVA: From your words I got exactly this impression. It’s like they’re leaving it to the mercy of fate - learn as you want. You won’t study at all, but that’s fine. Somehow you'll swim out later.
N. LITVAK: It’s also different in Holland, you know? Some parents are like this. I know parents who react differently. Even in the book, one of my main ideas is that you need to distinguish a problem from a non-problem. And, of course, poor academic performance of a capable child is a problem. I had this problem too. My daughter suddenly got terrible grades - unsatisfactory, they almost left her in the second year. In Holland, people are often left for the second year.
M. KOROLEVA: How did you solve this problem? In Russian or Dutch?
N. LITVAK: It seems to me that this is a more or less universal approach. I probably learned it from the Dutch. But it seems to me that it works flawlessly in any case. You see, first of all, do not confuse the problem and life tragedy. I'll give you another example. For example, at our university there is a secretary who suddenly told me that her son was being transferred to a school for the mentally retarded. Do you understand? And she reported this quite calmly over a cup of coffee. I said: how?! - So like this. He is normal, he has no abnormalities. It's just that he's 6 now and can't keep up with the school curriculum. The pace is too fast for him, so he is transferred to a school where the pace is slower, and where teachers pay more attention to each individual child. So you know, she’s so calm... She says: what if he feels calmer, and easier, and better there? Why should I because of this...
M. KOROLEVA: So the child went to school for the mentally retarded?
N. LITVAK: The child went to a school for the mentally retarded. There they helped him to master the material at a more relaxed pace that he had not mastered in a normal school, then he was transferred back to a normal school. And the child is now studying at the gymnasium, studying brilliantly, and will go to university. M. KOROLEVA: That is, no tragedy occurred?
N. LITVAK: There was no tragedy. You see, parents, as soon as something goes wrong, love to make a life tragedy out of it. But we need to distinguish a problem from a tragedy, you know? Here I have a daughter there. She is healthy, she is beautiful, she is cheerful, she is a good girl. But our grades are bad. This is a problem and we will solve it. How are we going to solve it?
M. KOROLEVA: I think we will continue to talk about this. It will be literally in a few minutes. Nelly Litvak, lecturer in higher mathematics at the University of Twente, Holland, author of the book Our Good Teenagers. Program "Let's go?"
M. KOROLEVA: The program “Let's go?” I'm Marina Koroleva. Today we are addressing the question of whether teenagers can be good. Nelly Litvak, teacher of higher mathematics at the University of Twente, from Holland, author of the book “Our Good Teenagers” is today’s guest on our program. Well, and at the same time the mother of two daughters, who are 17 and 5 years old. We were just talking about your eldest daughter, about whom you said: well, everyone is a good girl, but she had bad grades. By the way, were there or are they still there?
N. LITVAK: The tail is still out - the nose is stuck, but at least this does not create some kind of general gloomy background in our family.
M. KOROLEVA: But anyway, how did they decide?
N. LITVAK: I believe that in any problem the approach should be very simple. We need to understand what we, as parents, actually want to achieve in this situation. The situation already exists. We can go around and cry about this, but it is completely useless. We can argue with children - it’s completely useless. My problem was that the grades were such that the child could either be kept in the second year or transferred to a lower program, according to the Dutch system. In the second year they leave them there all the time. There’s just a “6” - that’s satisfactory; if you have two “5s”, you’re kept for the second year.
M. KOROLEVA: And then they can study until they are 30 years old...
N. LITVAK: No, no! If you are studying in the most difficult program and stayed for a second year once, then you cannot stay for a second year a second time in a row. Let's say you can't stay in the next grade for a second year either. Then they transfer to the program. It is believed that then the child cannot cope. They are not allowed to sit in each class for two years. But, no matter. In short, the problem is that if they transfer to a lower program, then the child cannot go to university after school. Then you need to study, finish your studies for another year or even two more, but we really didn’t want that. And, you see, then you just need to leave your emotions aside. Yes, I really don't like bad grades. This has nothing to do with the matter, what I like and what I don’t. We have a problem that a child may not get into university. And then I need to understand what I want to achieve. I formulated the following task for myself: I want us to have no more than two A’s in our certificates, so that we can be promoted to the next class. All! This was my task.
M. KOROLEVA: At least two A's?
N. LITVAK: No more than two A's. There's a ten-point scale. Five is just unsatisfactory. That is, six is our three, as it were. You see, I had to accept that yes, let there be a couple on the certificate, as long as there weren’t too many bad grades to be transferred to the next class. All! Further, you see, even in the book I divide tasks into simple and complex. Difficult tasks are those that the teenager will have to work on himself. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t write a test for her; she had to do it herself. If she does not want to study well, then it is impossible to force her to do so. She herself must agree that she needs to study better.
M. QUEEN: Did she agree?
N. LITVAK: In my case, I was very lucky. She has a friend who is a student. She already told her: oh, it’s great to be a student, there are all kinds of parties there...
M. KOROLEVA: Well, here's your motivation. Please!
N. LITVAK: You see, this is not the motivation that I would like to see. I would like to see that: “Mom, I dream of having only the best tens!” Do you understand? “I want to learn and know mathematics.” This is what I would be happy about! But this is beside the point. My goal is to improve grades, and the most important thing is that the child is ready to work on it. For what reasons he is ready to work on it is completely unimportant! Let her be attracted to the fun life at the university.
M. KOROLEVA: Was it successful?
N. LITVAK: It was a success. The child grabbed hold of it with his hands and feet and began gnawing on the granite. You see, we also succeeded because we did not set too high goals. I didn’t tell her: “You should only study for eights!”
M. KOROLEVA: So you didn’t put pressure on her?
N. LITVAK: No, I didn’t press. I said: “If you move to the next class, I will be glad.” All!
M. KOROLEVA: I would like to return you to where we actually started - with these same family lunches, dinners, and so on. I see chapter number 2 in your book “How to communicate with them and what to talk about with them” As if we are talking about, excuse me, aliens. And, indeed, I thought: yes, it is possible to make the child follow the rules of regularity. He will come home every day at 6 o'clock for dinner. But! Everyone will sit and eat their cutlet in quiet, decorous silence, right? After all, for some reason they come, besides just to have dinner. Talking - this, it seems to me, is a huge problem, for example, in Russian families. That is, when a seemingly adult approaches a child and he seems to want to talk to him, but at most he asks: have you done your homework? Was everything okay at school today? When he receives a positive answer, as a rule, the child nods his head and says: yes, yes, everything is fine, everything is fine, I did my homework - well, show me the diary, then they can still say. He will show the diary. That's all! There is nothing more to say. What do Dutch parents talk about with Dutch children?
N. LITVAK: About everything. You know, this is also one of the theses of this chapter, that a conversation with a teenager does not necessarily have to be educational. You will understand that next to you is almost an adult and a very interesting person. You see, in many respects, teenagers are very interesting, because they have this protest, when they may not like what we like, but in fact, what they like is modern. And they have a very interesting idea, they know how to joke well. You just need them to relax and start talking to you. And for this they need to feel safe...
M. KOROLEVA: They knew that in front of them was not some kind of boss, but simply someone equal. Or is it still unequal?
N. LITVAK: There can be no equality between parents and children. But in a casual conversation you can calmly talk to them like adults. Imagine that you have a friend in front of you and talk to your child the same way. The child will appreciate it. It also seems to me that many parents make a mistake... One woman told me such a story when she wanted so much...
M. KOROLEVA: Let’s just clarify – in Holland or in Russia?
N. LITVAK: In Russia. This is Russian history. The girl really wanted a good relationship with her mother, she was a very good girl. But, you see, what turned her away from her mother was that her mother never shared her problems with her. The child is already an adult, 14 years old, who saw that something was wrong, and her mother tells her: everything is fine, it’s none of your business. We want frankness from children. Before us is a man almost an adult. It is completely logical that there will be no frankness if it is not mutual. Of course, you cannot overload children with unnecessary information that they do not need to know. But…
M. KOROLEVA: So, it’s still not necessary? That is, not all information is suitable.
N. LITVAK: Yes, filter. But you probably don’t tell your friends everything. Depending on what kind of friends. That is, you always filter a little depending on the interlocutor. But not saying anything at all about yourself and expecting children to be frank in response is simply illogical!
M. KOROLEVA: Can a mother cry in front of her child? Well, what if something is wrong, if something happened at work? In general, something happened in life, my mother may burst into tears and say: do I feel very bad?
N. LITVAK: Well, why not? The only danger is not to change roles. If, for example, the daughter is so strong and stable, but the mother is so weak and cries all the time, then very soon it may turn out that it is not the mother who is helping her daughter, comforting her and helping her get through this difficult age, but on the contrary, the daughter is helping her mother and consoles. It seems to me that this is still not a very correct situation. Teenagers need support from their parents. It seems to me that showing weakness too often is somewhat dangerous. But sometimes why not? But, you know, when you came home from work, suddenly something was lying around in the kitchen, again the child threw something, and you yelled at him, you know? And even a child can say: why are you clinging to me? And instead of saying something like “leave me alone because it’s your fault,” it’s much better to say: “you see, I had such a hard day today, my boss yelled at me today, I’m in big trouble, I’m in a bad mood, don’t pay attention "- and the child will appreciate it. Because this part of him, which is already an adult, expects some kind of trust from us. And often parents, depriving their children of this trust, simply spoil their relationship with them.
M. KOROLEVA: Nelly Litvak, teacher of higher mathematics at the University of Twente in Holland, author of the book “Our Good Teenagers”, guest of the “Let's Go?” program. Since we have such a program, built, as a rule, on the comparison of different countries, I have no doubt that in your book, which I have not yet fully read, you actually carry out, in a sense, a comparative analysis on some examples. Here are Russia and Holland, Holland and Russia. Since your first child, as I understand it, a girl was born in Russia, the second girl was born in Holland, and moreover, she is half of Indian origin... By the way, what language do you speak in your family?
N. LITVAK: In our family every day we speak four languages. I speak Russian with both daughters. The older one answers me in Russian, the younger one answers me in Dutch. Dad speaks Bengali to the youngest, and my husband and I speak English together. That is, it turns out Russian, Dutch, Bengali, English every day.
M. KOROLEVA: This is actually a whole separate linguistic situation, which we won’t even mention. But besides the language, there are probably also problems of differences in mentalities, including on the Indian side. Let's try now to return to adolescence, and this comparative situation - Russia-Holland. If we talk about the relationship between parents and teenagers in the family, can you point out the difference between Russia and Holland... one, two, three, literally a few, list the most blatant, the most acute, the things that catch your eye? What is the difference?
N. LITVAK: And by the way, is it always bad in Russia? Maybe in Russia we know something that in Holland they don’t know? And what can we teach them?
N. LITVAK: I try to avoid comparisons in the book. I think comparison is dangerous. Who am I to compare the lives of different people who have their own considerations, perhaps no worse than mine? But still, if you try to generalize—generalization is a bit of a dangerous thing—but if you try to generalize, let’s start with the advantages of Russian upbringing. I believe that Russian parents are more ambitious towards their children. This isn't always a bad thing.
M. QUEEN: Ambitious... Explain this word a little. It sometimes has different meanings. In this case, what do you mean?
N. LITVAK: Russian parents still pay attention not only to the happiness and health of their children, but still very much focus on their intellectual development, their education and their success. And this has big dangerous sides, pitfalls. But this is not always bad. Overall, I think within reason it's probably a good thing. In Holland I often see that parents somehow really neglect this side...
M. KOROLEVA: That is, it doesn’t matter at all whether the person is a good person. In this sense, right? To be happy simply, to have peace in your soul - that’s all?
N. LITVAK: I was happy - it’s not easy. Peace of mind is very important. Therefore, when Dutch parents do not push their children, they are probably more right than wrong. But still, it seems to me that sometimes... For example, when a smart, capable child does not study well, is it still possible, well, to motivate him at least a little? Some parents do this in Holland, but still many parents do not do this at all. And I think it's a shame.
M. KOROLEVA: But material things are important? Where is materiality more important now – in Russia or in Holland? When a child is told: if you don’t do this, you will earn little, you will live poorly - where is this more important now?
N. LITVAK: You know, Holland is a very Calvinistic country, and I have noticed this many times. My friend works at Phillips. She told me directly and frankly: “I don’t need more money than I currently earn. I need more free time." In Holland, people value their time more than money. Most people live very modestly. The typical income of a Dutch worker, the typical statistical average, is 1,700 euros per month. At the same time, there are often 3-4 children in a family, and when there are children in a family, it almost never happens that mom and dad work full time. If dad works full time, then mom usually stays at home 3 days a week maximum, or even stays at home. And, accordingly, the salary is already slightly below average. You can imagine these incomes. Moreover, they like to buy a big house, take out a lot of debt... on credit. Loan for 30 years. That is, it is a kind of financial bondage, and they live very, very modestly. And at the same time, they do not chase big money and do not cultivate this need in their children.
M. KOROLEVA: Okay, we started comparing. You talked about the first one - ambition, motivation, and so on. We talked about material things. What else are the differences? Let's say in terms of communication between children and parents. We started talking about it.
N. LITVAK: I would say so. Dutch parents consider it good practice to spend time with their children. Among Dutch parents, it is considered rude not to spend time with your children or not to want to.
M. KOROLEVA: So, somehow society shows parents that they are wrong if they don’t spend enough time with their children? As you say, what is considered decent is indecent. How is it encouraged to spend time with your children?
N. LITVAK: You see, when 99 percent of those around you run home in the evening for a family dinner, when nowhere - not a single newspaper, not a single magazine - is even discussed the question of whether to take children with you on vacation. This is a typically Russian question. I subscribed to a Russian magazine for parents - half the magazine is devoted to: whether to take children with you on vacation! You see, in Holland this is a nonsense question!
M. KOROLEVA: Have you also seen, perhaps while relaxing somewhere, how, say, a married couple is traveling, their small children are traveling with them, and a grandmother is taken along, and maybe two nannies as well? This also happens. I have never seen anything like this, for example, among Dutch or French holidaymakers...
N. LITVAK: The Dutch simply don’t have the money for this, to take their grandmother with them on vacation, or to take their nanny with them on vacation. In general, many people have nannies... There are, of course, nannies, anything can happen, people organize their lives in different ways. But going on vacation without children is nonsense! Parents who allow themselves to go somewhere on their day off once a year, without children, to relax - and I read about this in a magazine. How he convinces women: don’t worry, don’t worry, go with your husband, spend two days a month...
M. KOROLEVA: Nothing like this will happen to your children!
N. LITVAK: This really appeals to me, you know? Moreover, they say - again, I quote my own friend - she tells me (my friend works at Phillips): I don’t need more money, I need more free time to spend more time with my children. Do you understand? And this is an absolutely typical thing! Why does mom work three days a week? She says: my children grow only once, and I want to see it myself, and I want to take part in it. Do you understand? And when the whole society is structured this way, it is involuntary...
M. KOROLEVA: Here we again come to the conclusion that society. This is the second time we have come to this conclusion, that society itself, it is structured in such a way that there is such a possibility. Dads and moms – that’s another question. What is the role of dad and mom in raising these same teenagers? I'll tell you that in Russia, of course, when it comes to boys, it seems like dad should already be involved, although he doesn't always get involved. And in general, this is somehow all a woman’s prerogative. Here is a woman, she should take care of children. And dad works, works and works.
N. LITVAK: Do you know, when I arrived in Holland, what was one of my first shocks? When I was asked: Do Dutch husbands help their wives a lot? I said that in Holland this formulation – “husbands help their wives” – is absurd! Because no one helps anyone - they have a common house and a common family, and they do everything together. Well, of course, when dad works full-time and mom works part-time, then mom probably takes the children from school, but dad doesn’t. And yet all common responsibilities are divided in half! For a dad not to participate in raising children is simply indecent.
M. KOROLEVA: But when it comes to teenagers? Because there, indeed, often such delicate, difficult moments arise - what to talk about with a boy, what to talk about with a girl, who to talk about? How do they resolve all these subtle, delicate issues?
N. LITVAK: It depends on what you call a “subtle, delicate moment.”
M. KOROLEVA: Anything can be there. From some sexual issues to... although this is hardly such a delicate moment in Holland.
N. LITVAK: So, I’m at a conference, my daughter calls me and says: Mom, I got a “nine” for sex! On a ten-point scale.
M. KOROLEVA: Is this a lesson or something?
N. LITVAK: I explain how this matter stands. In Holland, for secondary school children at a certain age - I think about 14 - special classes are held in which they are told in absolutely cold blood about alcohol, smoking, drugs and sex. This means that they are divided into groups about sex. Boys separately, girls separately, everything else is for everyone together. Someone else's uncle arrives. Someone else's uncle who knows how to convey the necessary information to teenagers. The purpose of these presentations is one - to protect teenagers from potential dangers. No moral education in them, not that “sex is too early for you,” but that sex carries certain dangers and you need to avoid them.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, they tell you how to use a condom, for example.
N. LITVAK: Yes. They are told what sexual diseases are, why they are scary, and how to protect themselves from it. The same goes for smoking, alcohol, drugs, why it’s harmful. All this is presented to them in an understandable form and in an absolutely cold-blooded manner and by a stranger. After that, they are given a test.
M. KOROLEVA: So, the teachers have nothing to do with it?
N. LITVAK: Usually this is an outsider, but a teacher can do this too. But this is just a lesson. After this, they are given a test, which is also graded. This assessment is included in one of the subjects, in my opinion, social studies. It is taken into account in the assessment, which is then based on the results of the year. And in fact, why does the Dutch state do this? The Dutch state proceeds from the fact that parents are amateurs in education, absolutely not professionals, and it is not a fact that parents will be able to convey this information to a teenager. And a teenager needs this information, because otherwise his life and health are at risk.
M. KOROLEVA: But I wonder, Nellie, are there any parents who object to conveying such information to their child? Maybe for some religious reasons. I'll explain my question. The fact is that we are still having discussions about this, because, for example, some representatives of the Russian Orthodox Church believe that telling children how to use condoms means promoting early sex among them. Sex before marriage. There are such discussions. Don't such problems arise there, for example? Well, among believers, maybe.
N. LITVAK: You know, there are many believers in Holland, and schools used to be divided into religious and state schools. In public schools, everything is decided by the state. Now all schools are funded by the state, and religiosity has practically disappeared from schools. The fact is that parents cannot prohibit anything from the school...
M. KOROLEVA: We have gradually moved on to the issue of the relationship between the school and parents, but this is exactly what is needed.
N. LITVAK: ...precisely for the reasons that parents may have their own considerations, but parents, from the point of view of society, have their own function. Parents must raise a child. In Holland, a child's education is entirely the responsibility of the school, and if the school in its program considers it necessary to convey this information to them, then they will do it. And I have never heard, I don’t know if this is possible... I know that my daughter, for example, in her class there are girls who are very religious from very religious, very strict families, but I have never heard that any - the parent asked to release the child from this lesson.
M. KOROLEVA: Do children generally respond normally to such lessons? Doesn't this make them feel some kind of awkwardness? I remember we had similar lessons in schools, where children would run out giggling... there they separated girls and boys... there were some kind of trial ideas.
N. LITVAK: I'm sure this causes a feeling of awkwardness. But, you know, I always say: even a conversation between a mother and her daughter about sex is a difficult issue, because sex and parents are not very compatible things. Even if the relationship is very good, this topic can cause awkwardness. I always say the same argument: the Virgin Mary was a virgin for a reason. Mom and sex are concepts that are not very compatible even for adults. What can we say about teenagers for whom this topic is generally painful? Therefore, it is better when strangers do it, in fact, in my opinion. It’s awkward, I’m sure, but these people who do this know it very well.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, they are just professionals, unlike us, parents?
N. LITVAK: Absolutely! They are professionals in this sense, they know how to do it, they do it according to modern methods. Maybe in a year - in Holland, by the way, everything is very flexible - these methods will turn out to be outdated, others will be more correct, but at least for now, this is being taught to children according to modern theories.
M. KOROLEVA: A few more words about the relationship between parents and school. Who is in charge there in this relationship? More precisely, there are three sides: the teenager, the parents and the school. Is there anyone from this three who is in charge, who has the last word?
N. LITVAK: Wow! This is a very interesting question, a very interesting formulation too. I should probably say no, although the school has the final say.
M. KOROLEVA: Behind the school?
N. LITVAK: Yes. So, I’m explaining how it works there, but you should be prepared for the fact that this is a story about Mars. In general, take a break from your daily ideas and try to take this information on faith. So. Teaching a child is a process, and in Holland this process is treated absolutely business-like. The school is responsible for this process. The school, not the parents, is responsible for the child’s education and assimilation - not only for teaching, not only for providing him with the opportunity to gain knowledge, but also for the assimilation of knowledge. Parents have one responsibility to the school - parents are obliged to ensure the physical presence of the child at school...
M. KOROLEVA: That is, bring him?
N. LITVAK: That is, bring it. At least you can't skip school. If a child misses school, then this can be said to be a crime. At the very least, it is a public violation for which parents bear administrative responsibility. Children cannot even be taken somewhere on vacation or to a wedding during the school year - there are some special regulations for all this. And if a child is absent from school for more than two weeks, then parents must write an official request to the mayor’s office. I remember how my sister laughed: I wonder how Luzhkov would react to my request to take the children on vacation during the school year? So here it is. Parents are responsible for the child’s presence at school; the school is responsible for not only giving the child the opportunity to gain knowledge, but also to teach. And the school is responsible for the results. And parents have the right to demand results from the school.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, we brought him to you, and you will teach him to us.
N. LITVAK: And you teach him to us - teach him to read, write... And here the child comes into the role at the level at which his abilities and desire to learn allow. Because school is a rather dry enterprise. If a child is given the opportunity, and teachers teach him, and test his knowledge, and see that his knowledge does not correspond to the required level, then measures are taken. And in elementary school, if the situation is critical, the child can be transferred to special education, that is, for children with disabilities. And in secondary school everything is divided into levels - from the highest, which then goes to university, to the lowest, vocational training, which people then go to, say, become garbage collectors. And if a child does not want to study, then he will be transferred lower, lower, lower, lower - until they find a level suitable for his abilities and motivation.
M. KOROLEVA: But, unfortunately, Nelly, we must finish now. Because this is a whole, separate topic. Therefore, answering our question: can teenagers be good, tell me - can they be good in Russia?
N. LITVAK: Yes, of course!
M. KOROLEVA: What should parents do for this? In two words.
N. LITVAK: Accept children as they are. Don't demand too much from them. Like the Dutch school, they only demand what they are able to do.
M. KOROLEVA: Well, maybe just love?
N. LITVAK: Of course! Just love and don’t scold aimlessly, and just enjoy their company, be glad that they exist, don’t miss this time, get the maximum possible joy from it.
M. QUEEN: Thank you! Nelly Litvak, lecturer in higher mathematics at the University of Twente, Holland, author of the book “Our Good Teenagers,” was today a guest on the “Are we going?” program. Thank you!
In one Moscow newspaper under the heading “EUREKA” I read a small article, which I quote almost in full. "WHY ARE CRIMINALS CALLED BY RARE NAMES? Among young criminals in the United States, researchers David Calist and Daniel Lee from Shippensburg University (California) extremely rarely met teenagers with the most popular names in America, John or Michael... But among those with the names Alec, Ernest, Ivan, Karim and Malcolm were found to be higher in the juvenile delinquency database."
Since my grandfather's name was Ivan, I immediately rushed to check everything. This is what the result turned out to be.
The city of Shippensburg is located not in California, but in Pennsylvania, its population is a little over five thousand six hundred. There really is a university there, and that’s good. In many of our cities with such a large population you will not find a second secondary school. The great Internet immediately made it possible to find out that the authors of the study were undergraduate students; they wrote up their abstract (apparently a course work) and posted it on the university website. This is, in essence, a rather mediocre student's work. The Shippensburg boys artlessly, although rather diligently, analyzed the police statistics available to them. At the end of their work, they wrote that if among the population of criminal neighborhoods and suburbs someone is called by a name that is unconventional for these places, this child has a high chance of going to prison. They did not explain why in their work. Either they were lazy, or they simply didn’t know what to say. But they advised the policemen to pay special attention in advance to the behavior of the American Ivans and Karimovs from the urban poor.
But I'll explain. When I served in the police (I caught crooks there), I had a colleague named Adolf. His parents named him that at birth in 1938 in honor of the then best friend of the USSR, the leader of Germany Adolf Hitler. It is clear that the time came when at school they began to call him simply Hitler, which Adolf did not like. In the end, he inevitably hit one of the name-callers on the head with a log and almost ended up in a children's colony. Fortunately, they had a wonderful local police officer; people like him don’t exist anymore. A sergeant-major by rank, he very sensibly explained to all Adolf’s offenders that by calling him Hitler, they were committing a state crime by promoting fascism. And for this the whole family, including the grandmother, can go to prison. The school fell into horror, Adolf was carried in his arms until graduation, then he went to work in the police, where twenty years later I met him. A wonderful man, Adolf Mikhalych, kind-hearted and a lover of life, I have met few like him. But he was lucky in that he had a good local police officer.
Others, whom semi-normal parents called rare names: Dazdraperma (Long live the First of May!), Engelmarx, Stalilena, Mels (Marx, Engels, Lenin, Stalin), Alphonse (well, this is clear to everyone), Albert, Eduard and even, no matter how strange, Georgy, - less fortunate. If they were not born into elite families of party workers, protected from the surrounding everyday life, in the courtyards, on the streets and in school corridors they were thrashed for wonderful names without any fear of being subject to political charges. So as not to show off. Those who are beaten for no reason sooner or later become embittered and respond to cruelty with super-cruelty. Not necessarily to specific offenders, but simply to the entire world around us. And subsequently they end up in prison. That's the whole secret. If, from birth, by your own stupidity, by the unusualness of the name, you place your child in an exceptional position in a ferocious and ruthless children's pack and cannot protect him from this pack - reap the results. What is there to study there? In addition, it is obvious that the exotic Ivans and Karims for America are the children of immigrants who have not sufficiently adapted to the specific environment of American towns.
But further in the same newspaper there is a continuation: “According to the Russian scientist Boris Khigir, some names tend to calm the psyche, while others, on the contrary, excite. The result of the influence depends on the timbre and frequency of the sounds of the pronounced name.”
Boris Khigir became famous in the early 1990s for writing many books about names. He still writes. By names, he claims, one can determine a person’s future, past, character, passions, and even find a mate for him. The preface to one of Boris Khigir’s books (this preface was written by a woman with the mysterious name Natalia Tolly) says that he, “being naturally observant, was once amazed at how the docile character of the tigress Elsa had changed (Khigir then worked in the circus. - Author. ) when the trainer changed her name." After this, Higir began studying human names.
This is the normal evolution of any researcher. All great scientific discoveries have been made with the help of animals: fruit flies, laboratory rats and mice, and dogs. It's the same with names. Although, strictly speaking, Boris Khigir cannot be considered a pioneer. It has been known since the time of Turgenev: if you name a dog Mumu, it will certainly drown. If you call her Laika, she will die heroically in space. The tigress is even more understandable: she was Elsa, but became, for example, Bug. I wonder what results the trainer expected? Usually my name is Borey, and when they suddenly call me Volodya, I do not respond and do not carry out the commands given, even for a reward.
Again a quote from the newspaper. Words by Boris Khigir. “For some reason, in Russia, Sergei is the most criminal name. However, character is determined not only by the name, but also by the patronymic. The patronymics Dmitrievich, Nikolaevich, Eduardovich, Semenovich, Konstantinovich contribute to a complex character. Sergei Sergeevich is a terribly negative combination.”
I really want to argue with authority about Sergeev. There was Sergius of Radonezh, Sergei Yesenin, Sergei Pavlovich Korolev, Sergei Sergeevich Prokofiev (those who were truly unlucky!). Hello now are other well-known and previously unconvicted Sergei: Bezrukov, Lukyanenko and even, not to mention, Zverev.
And again the word from Natalia Tolly: “Since childhood, he (Boris Khigir. - Author) ended up in the circus, where at first he looked after animals, and then worked as a juggler... Subsequent work as a massage therapist at a school of sports skills, where through the hands of Khigir in the literal sense of the word hundreds of people passed through, gave him a rich opportunity to compare and contrast the characters of people with their names."
Judging by her first and last name, the author of these lines is an extremely wise woman, because she understands: the main thing to become a real scientist is observation and life experience. Everything else is deeply secondary. When Boris Khigir worked in the circus, I worked part-time at the Kursk station as a porter, gaining life experience. Hundreds of people and thousands of their suitcases also passed through my hands, which gives me every reason to engage in serious science and become, like him, a Russian scientist.
I believe that Higir's conclusion about the Sergeevs is somewhat hasty. A truly scientific assessment of the danger of this name requires the use of the mathematical apparatus of game theory. He tossed a coin: the “obverse” came up - right away, literally from kindergarten, get ready for prison. But if it’s “reverse”, there is every chance of becoming a stylist or actor. And if he turns out to be a great composer, poet or designer of space rockets.
However, Boris Khigir is ready to predict by name not only the prospect of receiving a criminal record or a state award, but also the state of health and the name of the owner.
Quote from another newspaper about the science created by Khigir: “Among those who are predisposed to pulmonary diseases, for example, Natalia, Vladimir, Yana, Alexey, Alexandra are most often found. Neurotics are most often seen among Nikolaev, Dmitriev, Igor, Ekaterin, Angel, Tamar "Diseases of the cardiovascular system haunt owners of names such as Olga, Zoya, Arkady, Boris, Valentin, Yuri, and diseases of the gastrointestinal tract - people with the names Nina, Inga, Alena (not to be confused with Elena), Daria, Anatoly, Victor." .
To avoid the inevitable, it is written in the newspaper, you just need to ask Boris Khigir to help with the renaming. “Higir never refuses anyone. Sometimes it takes him two weeks to come up with a new name. The result has never disappointed either the master himself or his wards. Some time after the name change, according to Boris Yuryevich, before a completely different person appeared to him! The way it happened, for example, with 8-year-old Nana (formerly Dasha). Until she was renamed, she was a real hedgehog: neurasthenic, uncontrollable, prickly. It came to a visit to a child psychiatrist. Having become Nana on the advice of Higir (whom her parents asked for), the girl was transformed. She became softer, calmer. Not a trace remained of yesterday's problems" (from the same newspaper).
I met Boris Khigir about ten years ago in the same company. Having learned that I write all sorts of articles and books, he immediately began to tell me about his science. It is clear that I offered to demonstrate his method personally on myself and on the example of my wife. Unfortunately, he did not succeed in either the first or the second. Almost everything is out of place. Almost - because any attentive person, wise with life experience, is quite capable of giving a psychological description of his interlocutor that is very close to the true one, and even guessing by some signs the approximate occupation - for example, by professional tattoos. But I didn’t have any tattoos, and defining the past and future solely by name is, of course, complete nonsense. So I told him right away. He is a smart person, so he didn’t waste any more time on me with his science. And I can perfectly imagine how he, smart, charming, explains to a little girl that all her troubles come from the wrong name and all she has to do is change it... And the girl believes, and changing her name really works, because she believes Boris Khigir, who performs in this case as a good psychotherapist. Although it is still worth following the fate of this girl in order to draw final conclusions. What if she someday reads Emile Zola’s novel “Nana” about a Parisian courtesan, the embodiment of vices, who died a terrible death, and understands that her refusal to be called Dasha was somewhat reckless.
But I also imagine how many others, who suddenly believed that their temporary or repeated failures, illnesses or family conflicts were to blame for their parents, who named them incorrectly, realize that for this very reason there is no way out of trouble...
The science of onomastics (more precisely, its section - anthroponymy) deals with the study of human names. This is an extremely complex, interesting and important science that allows us to study the origin of families and clans, the ways and circumstances of the migration of peoples, and much, much more, by name - by family name - by name, which makes it possible to better understand who we are, beings of the human race - " homosapiens" on this planet. This science will not make you better or happier (unless you do it yourself) - that is not the goal of science, any science. It will just help connect the knots of the past and present, explain tiny, but infinitely important for everyone, pieces of the personal history of an individual and his loved ones. From such pieces, like a mosaic, the history of peoples and humanity gradually and difficultly takes shape. For many years, on the pages of the magazine “Science and Life,” the wonderful scientist and philologist Alexandra Vasilievna Superanskaya talks about exactly this.
Higir's books (as well as the stories of astrologers, experts in human aura, Feng Shui, etc., etc.) can only be read seriously by the gullible. Those of them who have the correct names are lucky. And those who have incorrect ones (according to Higir) are out of luck. And if two trusting people (a man and a woman) separated, and then read from Higir that this was due to a mismatch of names, and calmed down, this is bad. Because both of them will most likely select their next partners by name, but they will most likely never think about what fools they themselves are.
He’s a nice guy, this Boris Khigir, he’s great because he figured out how to make money where no one had made money before, and he also made money for the publishers and sellers of his books. By the way, they are sold in departments of occult sciences next to astrology and palmistry. Maybe he himself already believed in what he came up with and doesn’t know what he’s doing. He fools a little, deceives a little, fascinates a little with the feeling of the unknown... All this, in essence, is not such a big evil.
But the laws of our current Russian Universe are such that every small evil sticks to a large one, multiplying its destructive power.
This consideration alone became the reason why I wrote this article.
We all want to be liked by others, we want to be loved, to say only good things about us. But what can such a desire lead to? Is it useful for ourselves? Or is the goal of being good and convenient for everyone doomed to failure in advance?
If you look around your surroundings, you will probably find a person who would be defined as “good”. This is a non-conflict person, responsive, always polite and friendly, ready to help and support at any time. And you yourself often want to be the same... Why?
From childhood, we develop certain behavior patterns that help us adapt to life in society. One of them is the “be good” model, which helps you get support and recognition without putting in much effort. Children quickly learn: if you are good, you will receive a gift from your parents, and the teacher will be more favorable to you than to a bully.
Over time, this model can become the basis of our entire lives, business and personal relationships. What does this lead to and what problems await a good person?
1. IF YOU ARE TENDED TO SACRIFICE YOUR INTERESTS TO PLEASE OTHERS
Politeness and the desire to avoid conflicts can lead to the fact that at some point we begin to sacrifice our interests for the sake of others. This happens due to the fear of being rejected (by friends at school, colleagues, the yard company). It's important for us to feel like we're okay and loved because that's what makes us feel safe.
The desire to please everyone around us forces us to maintain our brand always and everywhere, to be good in a taxi, in a store, in the subway. You will automatically want to do something to please the driver. And now you are already giving more tips than you should, and you are doing it completely unexpectedly for yourself. Or you start entertaining the hairdresser with conversations, instead of just relaxing in the chair. Or you don’t reprimand the manicurist who applied the polish unevenly; after all, you’ve been going to this salon for years, so why ruin a good impression of yourself.
As children, we quickly learn that if you are good, you will receive a gift from your parents.
As a result, our focus shifts from internal to external: instead of directing resources to working on ourselves, we spend all our efforts on external signs. It’s more important to us what they think and say about us, and we do everything just to be appreciated and approved.
We are no longer even interested in our own well-being; we harm ourselves by doing things we don’t like, or remain silent when our interests are violated.
We deny ourselves for the sake of others. Sometimes this is the reason for a sharp change in mood, at work and at home, when a conflict-free and polite person in the family becomes a real monster. It’s quite easy to be nice to strangers, but at home we take off our masks and lash out at our loved ones - we scream, swear, and punish our children. After all, the family already loves us and is not going anywhere, we can not stand on ceremony with them and finally relax and become ourselves.
Everyone needs to wean themselves from such behavior - a big boss or a small clerk, a child or a parent. Because it is a matter of balancing your life, what you yourself give and receive. And if you don’t respond in kind to your loved ones who give you so much, your life may take a turn, your family will fall apart, your friends will turn away.
2. IF YOU CONSTANTLY NEED APPROVAL
This model of behavior forms a painful dependence on the approval of others. From morning to night we need to hear compliments, recognition of talent or beauty. This is the only way we feel confident, inspired, and able to do something.
This works like an energy dope, which is constantly needed to cover the inner emptiness, because everything external becomes important, and internal values, feelings and sensations fade into the background.
If you strive to be good in both places, sooner or later it will lead to a feeling of devastation.
This pattern leads to a categorical perception of everything that happens to you. A striking example is a person who reacts painfully to any comment, even to constructive criticism. In his model, any feedback is perceived in only two ways: “I’m good” or “I’m bad.”
And now you no longer see where is black and where is white, where is truth and where is flattery. It becomes more and more difficult to communicate with you, you are touchy and eventually turn into a neurotic, because you see an “enemy” in everyone who does not admire you, and if someone criticizes you, then there is only one reason - he is jealous of such a good person, how are you.
3. IF YOU WANT TO PLEASE EVERYONE
Your friends quarreled, and you want to remain good for both of them? But that doesn't happen. As the poet said: “You cannot be with both of them without betraying both.” If you strive to be good here and there, or are neutral everywhere, sooner or later this will lead to a feeling of devastation. And most likely both friends will feel betrayed, and you will lose both.
Another side of this coin is that you try so hard to be useful to others, do so much for them, that at a certain point you begin to demand the same attitude towards yourself. Internal anxiety and resentment appear, and you begin to blame everyone. This addiction works the same way as any other addiction: it leads to destruction. A man loses himself.
The feeling of wasted effort, time, and energy does not leave you. After all, you have spent so much effort, but there are no dividends. And you are bankrupt, energetically and personally. You feel lonely, irritated, and it seems to you that no one understands you. And at some point they really stop understanding you.
It’s quite easy to be nice to strangers, but at home we take off the mask and take it out on our loved ones
Let's face it, it's nice to deal with good people, and we all want to have such friends around. But truly good people are not those who always follow the lead of others and agree with other people’s opinions in everything. These are those who know how to be honest and frank, who are able to be themselves, who are willing to give, but at the same time defend their interests, beliefs and values, while maintaining dignity.
Such people are not afraid to show their dark sides and easily accept the shortcomings of others. They know how to adequately perceive people and life, and do not demand anything in return for their attention or help. This self-confidence gives them a sense of success in work and in personal relationships.
"Hurray! Finally tea!" -
the liver screamed joyfully
Well, dear friends, our endless holidays and endless fun are finally over. And you can already exhale.
We spent the old year and welcomed the new one
We celebrated Christmas (as best we could, of course).
In a word, we had a lot of fun (this is for Santa for those who behaved badly last year).
Unbridled, as they say, New Year's fun.
However, if someone still hasn’t had enough fun and indulged, then the Editor-in-Chief has good news for you.
It turns out that the New Year can be celebrated again and again and, if desired, without even drying out and stopping.
From January 13 to 14 according to the Julian calendar
- Between January 21 and February 21 with the Chinese,
- March 1, like the ancient Romans and Venetians
- March 21, with Baha'is
- March 21 or 22 with Iranians
- March 25, like the ancient Scots
- From April 13 to April 15, as in Thailand
- April 14, with the Bengals
- June 21 Yakut New Year Ysyakh
- July 26 according to the Mayan calendar
- September 1, like the ancient Rus and Byzantines
- Between September 5 and October 5, with Jews
- September 11, with Copts, Ethiopians and Rastafarians
- On the last Sunday of October, according to the Druid calendar
- October 31st, like the ancient Celts
Well, in the meantime, we will allow ourselves to return to pressing matters, which in this situation means remembering what happened last December.
Roman Shaposhnikov
in spite of everything, he continues to mercilessly shower us with heartbreaking battle memories.
It’s about the creation of the first team, and about the last Vsop, and about the training Games.
Those were fun days!
What about whether it could have been better or not.
Let me tell you a story, and you decide for yourself.
After visiting the exhibition of a famous artist, a journalist left a comment in the newspaper, “The exhibition could have been better.”
The artist, offended in his best feelings, demanded a written refutation.
The next day, a journalist’s note appeared in the newspaper: “Refutation: the exhibition could have been worse.”
The artist, furious, demanded another refutation.
On the third day in the newspaper: “Refutation: The exhibition could not have been worse.”
It could have been or not, worse or better, it’s probably not that important.
The main thing is that the New Year's mood and feeling of celebration remains with us throughout the coming year, no matter what.