There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can contact them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many consider this quality of their character to be a human virtue, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “no-failure” person in order to transfer some of your problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they can, at best, count on a dubious compliment as gratitude for their reliability.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively take advantage of their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is looking for an executioner. And even if the “non-refusal person” suddenly rebels and refuses to play the role of lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of complete selfishness and heartlessness.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.”
Why are people afraid to say no?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their wishes most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.
Many people later regret what they once wanted, but were unable to say “no”.
Often, when people refuse, they say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being rejected, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.
Some people don't say “no” for fear of becoming unwanted and being left alone.
How to refuse politely?
By saying “no,” we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that what is more important for us is to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that burden us. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say “yes” or “no,” replacing them with the words “Let’s discuss this.”
When saying “no”, it is worth remembering that:
this word can protect against problems;
can mean “yes” if pronounced hesitantly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by refusing what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are several simple ways to politely refuse, which show that anyone can do this task.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when refusing something, you must give a reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, the lie may later be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often gives himself away with his facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I can’t do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirades. There is no need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no.”
This method is suitable for refusing aggressive and overly persistent people.
2. Compassionate refusal
This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their way with their requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help.
For example, “I’m very sorry for you, but I can’t help you.” Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”
3. Justified refusal
This is a fairly polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both when refusing to older people and when refusing to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.
This refusal assumes that you give a valid reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this because I’m going to the theater with my child tomorrow,” etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing when using it is the brevity of the wording so that the person asking quickly grasps the essence.
4. Delayed refusal
This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone’s request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically respond with consent to any request. People of this type often doubt that they are right and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
Delayed refusal allows you to think about the situation and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say “no” immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. This way you can insure yourself against rash steps.
A justified refusal might look like this: “I can’t answer right now because I don’t remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I have arranged to meet someone. I’ll need to look at my weekly planner to confirm.” Or “I need to consult at home,” “I need to think. I’ll tell you later,” etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise refusal
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the terms of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.
For example, “I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be ready by eight o’clock.” Or “I can help you do repairs, but only on Saturdays.”
If such conditions do not suit the requester, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we don’t want or can’t, but together with the person asking, we look for a solution to the problem.
For example, “I can’t help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues.” Or “Perhaps I can help you in another way?”
In response to examples of different refusal techniques, one can argue that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on anyone’s help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to “playing with one goal”, believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.
“No” is an incredibly simple word to pronounce, but many people find it difficult to say, despite the fact that others use it quite often and impartially towards them. Many people are unable to refuse a person. There are people who, not wanting to offend another, categorically refuse to say “no”, expecting some negative consequences in case of refusal.
There are many reasons why they cannot protect yourself from manipulation and say this simple word. As a result of constant continuous violence against oneself, a person earns stress. It makes no sense to take your psyche to such an extreme. A polite refusal can make your life a lot easier.
In this article we will try to thoroughly understand why it is sometimes so difficult to say “no” and learn how to learn to refuse people.
Why is it so hard to say no?
Many people agree in cases where they would gladly say no. Why is this happening? In fact, saying “yes” is much easier, since such an answer, despite the internal violence against oneself, is more comfortable for many. When a person agrees to a request, in most cases he can count on gratitude and a positive attitude towards himself. When you say “yes” to your boss, a co-worker, or an unknown passerby on the street, you have every chance of feeling goodwill and sympathy for yourself.
Refusal is inextricably linked with the need to justify one’s “no,” thereby heating up the situation between people. When you say no, you may have a 100% feeling that you did the right thing, but nevertheless, there is some internal discomfort due to the fact that you feel that you were not responsive enough. You may even feel guilty for not helping the person.
Low self-esteem can also cause people to be unable to say no. This quality is formed in childhood. If the parents loved the child just for who he is, then he will not have problems with self-esteem. Such people are able to say “no” absolutely regardless of other people’s opinions without any feeling of guilt. A person doesn’t even think about making excuses to someone. He just says no because it's what's best for him.
If a person is overly educated, then he runs the risk of turning into a trouble-free personality. The fear of appearing poorly brought up becomes the reason that a person simply cannot imagine how to politely refuse. To get rid of such a complex, it is enough to understand one simple truth: the word “no” in no way violates the norms of decency, and in some situations even strengthens them.
Another reason why people fail to refuse is a misunderstanding of the significance of refusal.
Why is it important to learn to say “no”
When you politely refuse a person, you can save yourself wasted hours, days, or even months of your personal time. This way, you won't fall into the so-called promise trap.
A trouble-free person initially remains at a disadvantage for himself. Such a person will be constantly used by everyone for their own interests, and the person himself will neglect his own. The importance of mutual assistance cannot be denied, since it is an important component of normal relationships between people. But by constantly fulfilling someone’s requests, while ignoring his personal interests, a person acquires a reputation as a spineless person who can be used without a twinge of conscience.
The desire to learn to say “no” will instantly stop any manipulation from others. In addition, if we fail to refuse any request, we risk letting down the person who turned to us for help, because the lack of time, desire and energy to do something will lead to ineffective completion of the task. In the case when you are not able to cope with some problem, it is better to refuse immediately than to force the person to place certain hopes on you. Remember that by constantly responding positively to any requests, you risk completely losing touch with your own “I”, not realizing what you really want.
When will you understand how to properly refuse someone, you will gain significant respect in your social circles. When you say “no”, it does not mean that you become unnecessary to people. There are many different options to prove your irreplaceability and uniqueness.
Successful people know simple recipe for success. To do this, you need to do exclusively what arouses admiration and enthusiasm. In order to weed out uninteresting and useless tasks, you simply need to learn to say “no”.
To achieve unprecedented career growth and to learn to manage your life, you must be able to firmly and impartially refuse when your heart tells you, and agree where your intuition says “this is really what you need!”
The ability to refuse - how to learn to say “no”
The main mistake of people who do not know how to say “no” correctly, is that they do not realize that anyone can get into their position just as they can. However, if you see any signs of aggression as a reaction to your rejection, you should definitely consider whether it makes sense to contact someone who completely ignores your interests.
Don't give people the opportunity to slow you down on your way to set goal. If any request seems insignificant compared to your plans, then you should definitely answer with a 100% refusal. Don't make someone else's life easier at the expense of your own happiness. Remember that you have your own life, work, interests, leisure and hobbies.
In order to understand how to refuse correctly, you need to clearly highlight your life priorities. For example, you put the peace and well-being of your family first, your career second, and hobbies and hobbies third. Don't forget these things when you're vacillating between yes and no.
If there is an expression that says that even a dead fish can easily swim with the flow, but only the one with a backbone will go against it. Unless you are a spineless creature, when you need to refuse, show strength of character and determination, and remember that you have the right to refuse in any case when the request goes against your interests.
You need to find and strengthen your resolve. Before making a decision, be sure to think about the motives of this or that person, decide whether his request really plays into your hands. Make a decision in your head about refusal and confidently express it to your interlocutor.
When you say “no,” be sure to use the pronoun “I.” Briefly justify your refusal so that the person understands why he came across your “no”. You should not mumble or show any signs of uncertainty, since such behavior will either lead to a conflict situation, or they will still take advantage of your vulnerable position, and you will again say an unwanted “yes”. Refuse as firmly and succinctly as possible so that your interlocutor does not have the desire to persuade you.
Remember that your posture and intonation should communicate your confidence. It is very important.
Some psychologists advise recording in a special notebook those moments when you were unable to answer “no.” It is necessary to evaluate in what situations and with what people this happened more often. You need to describe the feelings you experience at such moments, and also think about how you should have behaved in a given situation.
How to properly refuse a person - how to say “no”
In cases where you know for sure that you will refuse a person, you should not interrupt him. Give him the opportunity to speak fully. Refusal should not look like a spit on his interests from a high mountain. In order to show a lack of indifference towards the person asking, you can show the person any alternative options for getting out of the situation. We need to understand that very often we have to refuse proposals or requests that under other circumstances or at another time we would have responded with consent. Therefore, do not forget to offer various options for solving certain problems.
It is good when the refusal must be in writing, even if the communication takes place in real time. You always have time to think through your “no.” If you contact a person verbally, never respond immediately with the argument that you need to think about it. This formulation will simultaneously prepare the person for a possible refusal and give you the opportunity to buy some time to justify your “no.”
When you finally decide to refuse, think through everything you plan to say. You are unlikely to give up something very pleasant, so your emotions can be very diverse.
It must be borne in mind that in most cases your refusal will be followed by another attempt to convince you. Listen to your partner without interrupting. Voice your refusal again, several times if necessary. This technique is called a “broken record.” Form clear, understandable arguments.
In order to make your refusal a little softer, you can use the so-called “Refusal with Understanding” technique. Let your interlocutor understand that you sympathize with his problem, and convince him that there is nothing you can do to help at the moment. It would not be superfluous to add how important it is for you to trust a person in you.
Summarizing everything said above, we note that no matter how they try to manipulate you, you are not obliged to make excuses to anyone. Often, a firm “no” without unnecessary ranting is enough for no one to ever think about using you for their own purposes.
You should also not go to extremes by refusing any requests. Remember that the decision to fulfill a particular request should be your own, and not the product of another person’s manipulation.
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Useful tips
Saying no to another person is always difficult, and many of us take on obligations that we would like to avoid.
Sometimes we we agree out of politeness, but sometimes we just don’t know how to refuse a person.
Human nature is such that we want to be liked. b We want to be kind and pleasant to other people.
In many cases, not being able to say no can become a problem because,that we forget about ourselves and our needs, while at the same time trying not to hurt someone else's feelings.
If you're afraid to say no most of the time, you're doing yourself a disservice. It is important for you to set your priorities. By agreeing to everything, you risk simply burning out.
So how to refuse a person without offending him? Here are some tips, how to do it politely and tactfully.
How to learn to refuse people
1. Use the word "No."
Use " No", "Not this time", but not " I don't think so", "I'm not sure", "Maybe next time". The word “No” has incredible power. Use it if you are absolutely and definitely sure that there can be no other answer. And you don’t need to apologize for your answer. Practice saying the word “No” until you feel comfortable, pronouncing it.
2. Use decisive but polite options.
I appreciate your time, but no thanks.
Thanks for thinking of me, but my plate is already full.
No thanks!
Not today, thanks.
Not for me, thanks.
I'm afraid I can't.
I'm not that interested in yoga/hard rock/computer games, but thanks for asking.
I don't want to.
I think I'll refuse.
3. Don'tbe cunning.
This goes for family, friends, and even your boss. You don't have to come up with some elaborate ploy all the time - just say you don't want to. If you don't want to go to an event because you've had a rough week and would rather stay home and watch TV, say so. You shouldn't invent a dying grandmother to make your excuse more acceptable.
4. Don't keep explaining.
In some cases it is better not to go into details. If you make too many excuses, it will appear that you are lying, or it will allow the person asking you to find ways around it and get you to agree.
5. Don't be afraid to say it twice.
Some people don't respect other people's boundaries or are used to the person giving in if asked again. Don't give in just because someone is too persistent. Smile politely and say “No” again, even more firmly than the first time.
6. If necessary, say “because.”
Research has shown that the word "because" makes people agree with you, even if the reason is completely absurd. Instead of saying, "Sorry, I won't be able to make the appointment," try to give a reason to soften the refusal.
7. Smile and shake your head.
You can resort to this before leaving. This works when people on the streets are handing out leaflets or trying to get you to sign something.
8. Be relentless.
How to refuse a request
16. Don't delay.
There is no point in making someone wait for an answer if you know the answer will be no. Delaying a response only makes the situation worse. Don't say "I'll think about it" if you don't intend to.
17. You can change your answer.
Just because you agreed once doesn't mean you have to always do it.
18. Repeat this often.
The devil is not as scary as he is painted. The more you practice, the less scary it becomes. Start saying no to everything that doesn't add any value to your life.
19. What a pity!
When you say, "Sorry, I can't," while it softens your message and makes it polite, it sounds rather vague. It's better to say" What a pity, I would like to help, but I have already made an appointment with.... I wish you good luck".
20. Desire to please.
We often agree to things that aren't of primary importance because we don't want people to think badly of us. However, some people will still think badly of us, no matter how polite you are. So stop worrying about what other people will think and finally say “No.”
21. Get ahead of the request.
When you learn to say no, you will begin to proactively say “No” before the request comes up. If you think someone you know is going to invite you to their wedding, let them know you're broke.
22. Avoid those who constantly ask for things.
If you know someone who constantly asks for money without ever paying it back, avoid them, especially when you know they are going through such a period.
23. White lies.
Of course, most of the time you need to tell the truth, but sometimes you have to be creative with your answer. For example, if you know that your grandmother will try to persuade you to eat her pies, tell her that the doctor has forbidden you to eat flour unless you want to offend her. If grandma is very persistent, go back to tip number 2.
24. Not now.
You should only use this answer if you know for sure that you will consider this request later. For example, you could say that you will look into the matter when you return in a week. If the request is not urgent, do not drop everything, but say that you will take the job as soon as you complete your project.
How to refuse beautifully and competently
25. It's not about you, it's about me.
Use this phrase if you feel that the idea/person/activity is better suited to someone else, but that someone is not you. You can also say that it doesn't suit you.
26. It's not about me, it's about you.
Turn that phrase around and don't be afraid to say a firm "No" if you feel confident about it. For example, if you're a vegetarian and don't want to try "a little" of your aunt's meat, say, " Thanks, but you know I'm a vegetarian and would never try this"Draw the line when necessary, and people will respect your choice.
27. Show empathy .
Sometimes all it takes is empathy for the other person. For example, " I know it's unpleasant, but I can't, sorry".
28. You don't have to be nice all the time.
Do you need permission to refuse because you don't want to? Consider it given to you.
29. State your discomfort.
If a friend asks you to borrow money, say something like: " I don't like borrowing money, sorry".
How to refuse a job
30. I would like to help you.
Sometimes you need to be softer. " I'd like to help you with a project, but I'm swamped with work this week.".
31. Thanks, but no.
Sometimes, that's all that needs to be said. Or you can say the above phrase to soften the answer. Thus, you thank the person for contacting you, tactfully refusing him.
32. Use facial expressions and gestures.
Shake your head, raise your eyebrows, and sometimes roll your eyes. Use your body language to demonstrate that you mean business, even when you refuse politely.
33. Buy time.
Use this as a last resort, otherwise you risk being inundated with requests later. You're just postponing the inevitable, but if it helps you, you can say: " Let me think about it", "I'll check my schedule and tell you".
34. I'm flattered, but no, thank you.
Sometimes you need to be grateful that a person has asked you for something. For example, you were offered a promotion at work, but you didn’t want it.
35. I really shouldn't.
This answer is suitable for times when you would like to say "Yes", but feel that you should say no. For example, when you receive an unexpected gift. When you say this, the person will most likely respond so that you accept it without any doubt.
36. No way in the world!
This phrase should be used with caution, and perhaps only with friends.
37. I said "No."
This works with children or pushy consultants. Again, you need to be polite but firm.
38. This is not the best option.
This is a gentle way of saying “No” when, for example, someone asks you “Does this neon dress suit me?” Instead of responding harshly, say that this is not the best color and that you should try on a blue dress.
39. Mmm, no (accompanied by laughter)
Use this phrase carefully, for example, in cases where someone is asking you to work for free or is trying to insult you.
40. I know this is not the answer you were hoping for.
It is important to acknowledge the other person's feelings, and this response will help soften the rejection. If you know that the person is expecting something from you that you cannot do, say “No” and say this phrase.
How to tactfully refuse
There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can contact them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many consider this quality of their character to be a human virtue, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “no-failure” person in order to transfer some of your problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they can, at best, count on a dubious compliment as gratitude for their reliability.
A striking example of a reliable person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film “Autumn Marathon” with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life was almost over, but he never became a person because he always lived the way others wanted.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively take advantage of their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is looking for an executioner. And even if the “non-refusal person” suddenly rebels and refuses to play the role of lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of complete selfishness and heartlessness.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.”
Why are people afraid to say no?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their wishes most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.
Many people later regret what they once wanted, but were unable to say “no”.
Often, when people refuse, they say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being rejected, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.
Some people don't say “no” for fear of becoming unwanted and being left alone.
How to refuse politely?
By saying “no,” we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that what is more important for us is to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that burden us. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say “yes” or “no,” replacing them with the words “Let’s discuss this.”
When saying “no”, it is worth remembering that:
- this word can protect against problems;
- can mean “yes” if pronounced hesitantly;
- successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
- by refusing what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are several simple ways to politely refuse, which show that anyone can do this task.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when refusing something, you must give a reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, the lie may later be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often gives himself away with his facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I can’t do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirades. There is no need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no.”
This method is suitable for refusing aggressive and overly persistent people.
2. Compassionate refusal
This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their way with their requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help.
For example, “I’m very sorry for you, but I can’t help you.” Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”
3. Justified refusal
This is a fairly polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both when refusing to older people and when refusing to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.
This refusal assumes that you give a valid reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this because I’m going to the theater with my child tomorrow,” etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing when using it is the brevity of the wording so that the person asking quickly grasps the essence.
4. Delayed refusal
This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone’s request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically respond with consent to any request. People of this type often doubt that they are right and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
Delayed refusal allows you to think about the situation and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say “no” immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. This way you can insure yourself against rash steps.
A justified refusal might look like this: “I can’t answer right now because I don’t remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I have arranged to meet someone. I’ll need to look at my weekly planner to confirm.” Or “I need to consult at home,” “I need to think. I’ll tell you later,” etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise refusal
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the terms of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.
For example, “I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be ready by eight o’clock.” Or “I can help you do repairs, but only on Saturdays.”
If such conditions do not suit the requester, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we don’t want or can’t, but together with the person asking, we look for a solution to the problem.
For example, “I can’t help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues.” Or “Perhaps I can help you in another way?”
In response to examples of different refusal techniques, one can argue that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on anyone’s help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to “playing with one goal”, believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.
It's always hard to refuse. To a child - in the hundredth toy, to a colleague - in a request to take overtime, to a mother - to come when you have no strength at all and other plans, to a friend - to “just try” the fifth pie, “after all, she tried so hard !".
However, if you never refuse anyone anything, those around you will sit comfortably and securely on your neck and will ride until you lie flat. Therefore, you will have to refuse. We learn to do this politely and gently, but in such a way that no one doubts your intentions.
So, how to say no:
1. Don't answer right away
Take a break, you can even say directly: “I need to think.” This will give you time to collect your thoughts and build an argument if your interlocutor suddenly begins to insist. Most often, this does not happen, by the way.
Remember the last time you were rejected? Did this lead to your lifelong resentment? No, most likely, you took the refusal as additional information and simply changed your plan of action. However, occasionally you come across people who hear the word “no” too rarely; they need additional arguments.
2. Don't apologize too much
You have the right to manage yourself, your time, money and other resources. Even if you refuse to let your child go to an amusement park or buy another toy, you shouldn’t apologize profusely. You have your reasons, you proceed from them. It is unlikely that you are driven by greed or a desire to offend.
The same logic applies in other situations; you have the right to refuse. It is enough to be polite and apologize once for the fact that you cannot help in this or that matter.
3. Don't go into detail
Be laconic in your refusal, just say: “I’m very sorry, but I can’t help you,” “Sorry, nothing will work out.” Even a simple and short phrase “It won’t work today” is already a sufficient justification.
Any attempts to describe the situation in detail are like excuses. In addition, they provide an opportunity to drag you into an unnecessary discussion or pressure you into feelings of guilt, a sense of duty, and other room for manipulation.
4. Become a “mirror” of your interlocutor
Your answers must be absolutely symmetrical. For example, a colleague asks you to take on part of his work, you have enough of your own to do, so you cannot help him.
- I need to do this work before Friday, could you help me?
- I understand that you need to do this work before Friday, but, unfortunately, I cannot help you.
- But I really need it!
- I understand that you really need this, but unfortunately I still can’t help.
Repeat your interlocutor’s phrase over and over again, ending with his refusal; you won’t need any additional arguments.
5. Broken record effect
Have you ever experienced a child refusing? Well, of course, we have encountered who did not persuade a child to eat these very tasty vegetables and this very healthy fish! The child repeats his “no” and “I won’t” until you give up. Just follow his example next time.
If you feel uncomfortable refusing without giving a reason, for example, you have to refuse your parents or one of your close friends, you may well state the reason for your refusal, making it clear that you are absolutely unable to change the circumstances. For example: “I would be glad to come by in the evening, but I have urgent work to complete, so I won’t be able to.”
7. Offer an alternative
Yes, you cannot help the person right now, but perhaps you can find time tomorrow or another time when you have free resources. Having received a refusal, the person will not be offended and will know that he can still count on you if the need arises and you have the time and desire to help.
8. Get the details
How long exactly will this take? Can you start without me? Let's move this to another time? Simulate the situation until it becomes comfortable for you. The ability to refuse is not a sign of intransigence, but a sign of rationality. If you cannot devote time to someone else's question, your help will still be of no use.
9. Postpone a decision
Ask for time to make a decision. Practice shows that half of the problems will disappear before you even need to give a final answer. Well, it’s psychologically more difficult to approach a person with the same request the second time.
And, of course, the easiest and most effective way to tell someone is to simply say “no.” There is a psychological exercise for raising self-esteem - for a whole week, answer “no” to any request or question. At first, this word is very difficult to give, but after a few days you notice that it is becoming easier to refuse and feelings of guilt no longer arise. Of course, you won’t always refuse everyone, but the very knowledge that you can do this already makes life much easier and in some places more enjoyable.