How to recognize manipulation. How to recognize manipulation and protect yourself from it

The manipulator gives you the honorable right to be his slave.

Moreover, your slavery is voluntary. And you do what the manipulator wants because you have something to lose. You were “bribed” with a good attitude or such an image was imposed on you that now it is inconvenient not to correspond to it. You simply become a means to someone else's ends. The manipulator does what he needs with your hands. You are simply in the hands of an experienced trainer.
Nothing wrong with that. Who is not guilty of manipulation? And who has not been a tool in the hands of manipulators? By and large, everyone, consciously or unconsciously, manipulates each other. It just works differently for different people. A woman who, expressing resentment, seeks indulgences and gifts, is clearly manipulating a man. Children manipulate their parents, men manipulate their wives, bosses manipulate their subordinates, and those manipulate their bosses.
But sometimes it gets enough. And not for everyone we are ready to do what he wants. In business they can manipulate deliberately and to your detriment. That’s when it’s important to know how not to fall into the clutches of manipulators. And how to recognize them? This knowledge is taught to intelligence officers. After all, in business you also have to be a scout. Let's take a look at one of the textbooks intended for intelligence schools. It summarizes the signs of a common manipulation.

Signs that may indicate manipulators

1. Interest in the facts of your past experience.
It is very bad if your partner expresses awareness of your plans and long-term aspirations. It's even worse when he knows too much about what exactly you planned among the failed ventures. The higher the awareness of this kind, the more ready the partner is to manipulate you. Think about it, why would another person study your plans if not to manipulate you?
2. Increased personal attention to your person.
Increased interest in the facts of your biography, marital status, hobbies and the manifestation of this awareness is a sign of manipulative interest.
3. Increased interest in philosophical topics.
Various conversations on the topic of “the meaning of life”, so attractive in a partner’s feast, may actually hide the development of plans to influence you.
4. Topics of personal motivation.
Probing your motivation (why, why, for what purpose, what does it give you?) is always an exploration of your personality.
5. Flattery.
Obvious overestimation of your personal, status, professional qualities and capabilities.
6. Theme of personal orientations.
Transferring the conversation from the topic under discussion to your personal values, orientations, opinions, relationships, ideals.
7. Dramatization of the situation.
Description of the frightening consequences.
8. Emphasis on time pressure.
Your partner urges you on, draws your attention to the lack of time for thinking and procrastination.
9. Appeal to third parties.
10. Persistent desire to do you a favor.
11. Appeal to positive previous experiences.
“Yes, we’ve done this a thousand times with this and that.”
12. Links to significant names.
13. Approaching.
Imposing yourself, your environment, any new face.
14. Programming.
Your partner is trying to impose on you a vision that is different from yours.

Warning!
Assign the label of manipulator only to those people who use entire complexes of these techniques. Based on isolated manifestations, do not draw conclusions that you are being deliberately manipulated. We are all unconsciously trying to manipulate each other.

A manipulator can also be recognized by his emotional reactions.

1. High stability during your lunges.
A person’s tendency to suppress emotional reactions can signal a secretive and duplicitous nature.
2. Artificial humor.
3. “Mirroring.”
You smiled, they smiled at you; you speak at a fast pace, they answer you the same way; you crossed your legs, your partner sat down the same way. You are reflected as in a mirror.
4. Increasing anxiety.
5. Extraordinary reactions.
Reactions that are inappropriate to the situation (for example, one shouts at the other during a showdown in extremely elevated tones).
6. An attempt to disorganize your activity, to put you at a bifurcation point, that is, at a point of unstable equilibrium.

Protection against manipulation

"Manipulation.
Protection against manipulation is based on the classical principles of martial arts. Their essence comes down to turning the weapon against the attacker. The harder your opponent attacks, the stronger your counter-action. It turns out that your enemy is actually fighting against himself. Below are various techniques for protecting against manipulation, collected from various sources, including special methods developed in counterintelligence. For your actual situation, you will have to determine for yourself which methods will be most suitable.
If you have been manipulated and succumbed to it, then this can be equated to infection. The disease means that you have become infected and have become a victim of a manipulator. To fight the disease, you need to be able to make the correct diagnosis and choose treatment for it.
Here are some techniques that you can use to diagnose yourself. If you notice these symptoms, it means you have become infected. The techniques are taken from a textbook for economic intelligence officers.

1. METERS
(Current Rational Self-Control Method)

If you have been manipulated and tried to brainwash you, then turn on the control of your thinking time. As soon as you find yourself continuing to speculate on other people's ideas after contact, it is very likely that you have come under attack. It's commonplace. The entire affiliate business is built on infecting someone else’s mind with the right ideas. It's not very common. Because not a single victim wanted to become one.
The more actively someone else’s thought is processed in your brain, the longer you analyze it, the deeper your transformations, the better you are charged.

2. “Method of introspection”

Introspection is looking into yourself, inside your subconscious, inside your sensations. Trust your subconscious. Very rarely the feelings that bother you are groundless. Your intuition will tell you where to look and what to look for. And although this method is not accurate, it is used even in reconnaissance. It's like shooting at night. It’s better to close your eyes completely and shoot by ear than to stare into the darkness. The main thing is not to neglect this method.

3. “Method of meditation”

Relax and focus. Concentrate on the object. Your subconscious mind will bring answers to your queries to the surface.

To recognize whether you are really being manipulated, you need to do the following:
1. Open attention channels and connect memory to capture and record the slightest nuances of the object’s behavior. Choose an appropriate role and position that allows you to see the object from the angles you need, not be distracted, concentrate your attention and record information as completely as possible.
2. Analyze data by connecting logic to the analysis of behavioral observations.
3. Connect the analyzer of the unconscious, resorting to its stimulation using appropriate methods. A look inside yourself, a review of internal sensations should give you not only answers to the observations received. The habit of analyzing internal experiences opens channels for unconscious processing of information, which leads to a sharpening of intuition.
4. Don't forget that the best defense is an attack. Practice your own influence, and you will not find yourself among the defeated.
5. Remember: “Strangers do not betray.” Take a look around...

Other techniques for protecting against manipulation

"Time out." In negotiations, never agree to the first offer. Don't say yes or no. Better take some time to think.
So, always take time for yourself to think, and try not to give it to others if you want to manage them. If you come across an equally competent opponent and take this time, then be glad that your manipulation did not work. The game is more interesting with a smart partner.
"Pause". When there are attacks, show effects, or attempts to put you into an unstable state, pause yourself. And the longer, the better. During the pause, the mind will awaken. You can imagine yourself as if inside your own aura, which protects you from all harmful arrows of influence. At the same time, you can help yourself with formulas of suggestion such as “I am not a garbage can to draw in the fear, threat, resentment, humiliation that they emit at me.” Simple techniques, but they help a lot in resisting manipulation and avoiding the bifurcation point.
"Do not rush". If they start rushing you, then calmly say: “Hurry is only needed when catching fleas” or “A dog in a hurry gives birth to blind puppies”, “What is done quickly takes a long time to tell”, “If you don’t rush, you’ll get there”, “Don’t rush, otherwise you’ll be late” or “I have a principle: a responsible decision must be made with a fresh mind and after it has rested for a while.”

taken from the site

To manipulate is to try to indirectly influence someone's behavior or actions. Manipulation does not have to be good or bad: a person may try to manipulate others either out of good intentions or to get another person to do something illegal. Manipulation is always covert and often targets our weak points, making it difficult to detect. The cunning that accompanies manipulation can be invisible and easy to overlook, because it is often hidden behind a sense of duty, love or habit. However, it is possible to recognize signs of manipulation and not succumb to it.

Steps

Behavior

Notice whether your interlocutor tries to ensure that you always speak first. Manipulators want to hear us first to determine our strengths and weaknesses. You will be asked leading questions, in response to which you will express your point of view and feelings. Typically, these questions begin with “what,” “why,” and “how.” The answer and reaction of the interlocutor will depend on the information he receives.

• If your interlocutor wants to hear you first, this does not always mean that he is trying to manipulate you. Other factors should also be taken into account.
• The manipulator tries to talk about himself as little as possible and listen to you more.
• If this behavior is observed in most cases, it may indicate that they are trying to manipulate you.
• Even if it seems to you that the person is sincerely interested in you, remember that such questions may have a hidden agenda. If the interlocutor avoids directly answering your questions and tries to quickly move the conversation to another topic, this may indicate that he is insincere.

1. Take a closer look to see if the interlocutor is trying to please you. Some people have a natural charm, and manipulators try to use this to their advantage. Before asking for anything, the manipulator may praise you. He may also give you a small gift, after which he will ask you for some favor.

   • For example, someone might treat you to a great dinner and speak to you affectionately before asking you to borrow money or help with work.
   • Although this behavior is often not dangerous, remember that you are not obligated to do something just because someone is kind to you.

2. Pay attention to attempts to coerce. A manipulator may try to force you to do something through intimidation and threats. In an attempt to get his way, he may shout, criticize and insult his interlocutor. You may hear him say, “If you don’t do this, then I will...” or “I won’t do this until you...”. A manipulator can use such tactics not only to force the interlocutor to do certain things, but also in return for a promise to stop doing something.

   Pay attention to how a person handles facts. If your interlocutor uses facts too freely in order to convince you of something, he may be trying to manipulate you. A person may lie, omit information, withhold information, feign ignorance, or exaggerate. A manipulator may also pretend to be an expert on a topic and bombard you with facts and statistics. At the same time, he will try to seem much more knowledgeable than you.

   Pay attention if the interlocutor constantly presents himself as a martyr or victim. In this case, the person may do something that you did not ask him to do, and then refer to it. After "doing a favor," he expects you to try to repay the favor, and if that doesn't happen, he may start complaining.

   • The manipulator may also complain and say, “Nobody likes me (I’m sick, I’m being humiliated, etc.)” in an attempt to gain your sympathy so that he can then use it for his own purposes.

3. Think about whether a good attitude towards you depends on something specific. A manipulator can be kind and affectionate with you if you do what he needs, but this attitude will change dramatically if you do not live up to his expectations. This type of manipulator seems to have two faces: an angelic mask when he wants to please you, and a frightening visage when he needs you to be afraid of him. Everything goes well as long as you meet expectations.

   • Sometimes it seems that you are walking on a razor's edge and are afraid of angering the manipulator.

4. Observe characteristic behavior. All people try to manipulate from time to time, but manipulators do it all the time. The manipulator has a hidden agenda and deliberately tries to use another person in order to achieve power, control or some other advantage at their expense. If this behavior occurs regularly, you may be dealing with a manipulator.

   • The manipulator rarely takes into account your rights and interests; they are unimportant to him.
   • Remember that mental illness or disability may play a role. For example, a person with depression may have no intention of manipulating you, but with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, people often forget to check their email. With these and a number of other disorders, it may seem that the patient is trying to manipulate you, although this is not the case.

   Communication style

   1. Note if you are reproached or judged. A common method of manipulation is to pick on the person and make them feel guilty. No matter what you do, the manipulator will always find something to complain about. No matter what you do, something will be wrong. Instead of giving advice and constructive criticism, the manipulator will only point out your shortcomings.

      • This behavior can be expressed in the form of sarcasm and jokes. The manipulator may make fun of your clothes and appearance, your driving style, your place of work, your family, or anything else. Although such remarks are often meant as a joke, they can be quite painful. At the same time, you are the object of ridicule, the purpose of which is to undermine your faith in your abilities.

   2. Pay attention to periods of silence. A manipulator can use silence to gain control over you. He may not pick up the phone or respond to your text messages or emails for long periods of time. This is done to make you feel insecure or to punish you for "wrong behavior." This behavior is different from simply trying to cool down before reconnecting, and is used to make you feel helpless.

   3. Recognize the guilt trap. This technique is to make you feel responsible for the behavior of the manipulator. It puts you under control of another person's emotions: their joy, success or failure, anger, and so on. As a result, you will feel obligated to do something that is wanted of you, even if it seems wrong to you.

      • The guilt trap is often prefaced with statements such as “If only you understood me better, then...”, “If you really love me...” or “I did this for you, why don’t you want to do this for me? " (and this is said about something that you did not ask for).
      • If you agree to do something that you wouldn't normally do (or that you don't like), you may be being manipulated.

   4. Notice if you don't have to constantly apologize. A manipulator can make you feel like you are to blame for something. He may accuse you of something you didn't do or hold you responsible for some situation. For example, you agreed to meet at 13:00, but the person was two hours late. In response to your reproaches, he says: “Yes, you’re right. I’m doing everything wrong. I don’t even know why you continue to communicate with me, I don’t deserve this.” As a result, you soften and change the topic of conversation.

      • In addition, the manipulator reinterprets your words in the worst way, which is why you have to apologize for them.

   5. Notice how you are constantly being compared to other people. When trying to get you to do something, the manipulator may claim that you are worse than someone else. He may call you a stupid person if you refuse to do what he wants. This is designed to make you feel guilty and still force you to do what is asked of you.

      • When comparing with others, the following phrases may be heard: “Anyone else in your place would have done this,” “If I had asked Maria, she would have done this,” or “Except for you, everyone else thinks this is normal.”

   Communication with the manipulator

   1. Know how to say “no” at the right time. The person will continue to manipulate you as long as you allow him to do so. To protect yourself from manipulation, you should say “no” in time. Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “No, I can’t do that” or “No, that’s not for me.” You must be able to defend yourself in order to be treated with the respect you deserve.

      • You shouldn't feel guilty when you say no. You have every right to do this.
      • You can refuse quite politely. If the manipulator asks you to do something, try answering: “I would do it, but I’m very busy in the coming months” or “Thanks for the offer, but no.”

   2. Set appropriate boundaries. If the manipulator discovers that you are succumbing to his persuasion and tricks, he will try to win your favor in order to use you in the future. In this case, he will focus on his “helplessness” and try to get financial, emotional or any other help from you. Pay attention to phrases such as “You are the only one I have,” “I have no one else to talk to,” and so on. You have your own life, and you don't have to help this person all the time.

      • If you hear a person say, “I have no one else to talk to,” try contrasting it with specific examples:
        • “Remember how Anna talked to you for a long time yesterday afternoon? And Maria said that she’s always happy to talk to you on the phone. I’m happy to talk to you for 5 minutes, but then I have an important meeting that I can’t miss.”

   3. Don't blame yourself. The manipulator will try to make you feel guilty. Remember that they are trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty and that the problem is not you. If you feel wrong, take a closer look at what is happening and check your emotions again.

      • Ask yourself: “Does this person respect me?”, “Does this person have reasonable demands and expectations?”, “Is this a one-sided relationship?”, “Do I like this relationship?”
      • If the answer to these questions is no, then the problems in your relationship most likely lie with the manipulator, not with you.

   4. Be persistent. Manipulators often twist and distort facts to present themselves in a more favorable light. Respond to this with persistence and seek to clarify the facts. Explain that you remember the facts differently and would like to better understand what exactly happened. Ask your interlocutor simple questions and try to identify common ground. Once you figure out what you agree on, take it as a starting point for further reasoning. For example:

      • Your interlocutor says: “You won’t lure me to these meetings anymore. You use them only for your own benefit, and you always leave me to be eaten by the sharks.”
      • Respond with: "That's not true. I thought you were ready to tell investors about your ideas. If I had heard you made a mistake, I would have intervened immediately, but I thought you did an excellent job."

Basic Concepts

Manipulation as a certain way of influencing a person. Non-metaphorical and metaphorical understanding of manipulation. Main signs of manipulation. Reasons for manipulation. Basic manipulative systems. Manipulation and control. Manipulation as the realization of selfish interests. Methods of protection against manipulation. Types of manipulation: economic, political, bureaucratic, ideological, psychological.

Lecture outline:

1. Manipulation as a certain way of influencing a person

2. Types of manipulative systems. Types of manipulation

1. Manipulation as a certain way of influencing a person

In the most common sense, manipulation is understood as a certain way of influencing human behavior in order to change this behavior. But the question arises: can any influence be considered manipulation? Most authors, describing the phenomenon of manipulation in various contexts, proceed mainly from an intuitive understanding of the essence of manipulation.

In a non-metaphorical meaning, the term “manipulation” means complex types of actions performed with the hands (controlling levers, performing medical procedures, voluntarily handling objects, etc.) and requiring skill and dexterity. A transitional step to metaphor was the use of the term “manipulation” in relation to the demonstration of tricks and card games, in which skill in carrying out false distracting techniques, hiding true actions, creating a deceptive impression or illusion is valued.

In a metaphorical sense, manipulation can be defined as the act of influencing or controlling people with dexterity...as a covert rule or manipulation. In a figurative sense, that is, when the objects of manipulation are no longer things, but people, then manipulation means the desire to “tame” another, to “get your hands on”, an attempt to turn him into an obedient instrument, a puppet.

However, it would not make sense to call it manipulation if it was done so obviously. A bad puppeteer is one who is unable to make the audience forget that the characters in the play are just puppets. A bad illusionist is one who has all his tricks in plain sight. Therefore, for manipulation in a metaphorical sense, it is important to create the illusion of independence of the recipient of the influence from outside influence, the independence of the decisions he makes and the actions he performs; the skill of influence, dexterity and dexterity in carrying out techniques are also important.

The metaphorical definition of psychological manipulation ultimately contains three most important features: the metaphor of “taking control”, a careful condition for preserving the illusion of independence of decisions and actions of the recipient of the influence, and the skill of receiving the influence.

Main criteria or signs of manipulation:

1. Manipulation is a type of spiritual, psychological influence on a person, group or society.

The first sign determines the generic affiliation of the concept of manipulation,” in other words, it deciphers what type of influence this phenomenon belongs to. This type of influence is aimed at the spiritual state, the inner world of individuals, as a result of which a person’s thoughts, intentions, and behavior change. To a certain extent, thoughts and human behavior is programmed.

2. During manipulation, one subject views the other as a means or an obstacle to the project of his activity.

The second sign affects the moral nature (side) of the manipulation process. From the height of his own “I,” the manipulator turns the other into “it,” reducing him to the level of “things subject to control and management.”

3. Manipulation is used to manage and control human behavior and situations in order to obtain a one-sided gain.

The third sign is related to the function or role that the manipulation plays (performs). The main goal of any manipulator is to get a win, and the win is one-sided. Of the combinations “I won - he won”, “I lost - he won”, “I won - he lost” - only the last pair corresponds to manipulation.

4. Concealment of the fact of influence on a person during manipulation.

It should be taken into account that this means, on the one hand, the very fact of influence, and on the other, concealment or distortion of information about the intention of the manipulator. An attempt at manipulation only has a chance of success if the fact of influence is not realized by the addressee and the final goal of the manipulator is unknown to him. Otherwise, either the attempt will be unsuccessful, or it will no longer be manipulation.

5. The existence of any important advantage of one interaction partner in relation to the other, the use of which allows one to overcome the partner’s resistance.

The fifth sign is related to the nature of the relationship between communication partners. An advantage can be physical strength, financial wealth, professional position, professional qualifications, abilities, argumentation, communication skills, etc.

6. The main effect that is achieved as a result of successful manipulation is a change in the motivation of the person being influenced.

The sixth sign is, as it were, system-forming. A person is encouraged to do something that he did not even imagine, someone else’s desire is imposed, new goals are imposed that the recipient of the influence did not have. Manipulation is the implementation of the selfish interests of one person in relation to another.

So, manipulation is a type of psychological influence used to achieve a one-sided gain through hidden inducement of another to perform certain actions.

Psychological reasons forcing a person to resort to manipulation:

1) distrust and self-doubt. A person does not trust himself, his abilities, others, and in order to gain confidence he looks for “strings” with the help of which he will control those around him as puppets;

2) thirst for power as an alternative to love. Love is the result of enormous and incessant spiritual work, avoiding which the manipulator is forced to achieve absolute power. A true lover will do anything, even self-sacrifice, in the name of his love. This is precisely the kind of readiness that a ruler craves from his subjects. The manipulator really loves to control, but, in accordance with the mental law of compensation, the stronger this desire is in him, the more acute the need to be controlled by someone;

3) risk and uncertainty. Dependence on the vicissitudes of fate forms a philosophy of apparent indifference to these vicissitudes;

4) fear of emotions, intimacy and difficult situations. The manipulator treats people ritually, avoiding intimacy in relationships and difficult situations;

5) thirst for approval;

6) fear of responsibility (fear of punishment) and lack of understanding of people.

Manipulation is one of the types of psychological games, such purposeful influences of one person on another, when the player pretends that he wants to do one thing, but does another. How is the manipulative game carried out? There are two subjects of interaction: the Player and the Victim. The player finds a weak point in the victim - problems, shortcomings, etc., which he influences. Under the influence, the Victim falls into a trap. The player makes a return strike. The victim is perplexed; she expected different behavior. The player receives a reward.

A game is a set of purposeful interactions with hidden motives that are outside the consciousness of adults, do not clearly appear until the partner’s behavior changes, and lead to the fact that participants experience bewilderment and a desire to blame the partner.

Ways to protect against manipulation:

1. Don't show your weaknesses. Manipulation is always based on exploiting the weaknesses of the interlocutor.

2. Realize that you are being manipulated. A sign of manipulation is a feeling of discomfort: you don’t want to do or say something, but you have to – otherwise it’s uncomfortable.

3. Passive defense - ignore the manipulative statement.

4. Active defense - pretend that you don’t understand that they are trying to manipulate you, start a counter game and end it with a sudden question showing your psychological superiority.

Tatiana Kulinich

In recent years, topics related to violence have been increasingly raised by psychologists. This very concept is being revised; what was previously considered a relative norm is now perceived as something unacceptable. The saying “hitting means loving”, fortunately, now seems to us a terrible relic of the past. But violence is not only physical. In some cases, it is psychological violence and manipulation that can cause more harm, simply because it is more difficult to notice. Manipulators or psychological vampires are skilled at convincing their victims that violence is being done for their own good. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where, when communicating with someone, on some subtle level you feel trapped, for some reason you do something that you not only don’t want, but also that causes you harm in some way? ? Have you ever felt guilty when interacting with someone? Were there people in your life who often made you upset or even cry? Has it ever happened that you even acquired chronic diseases as a result of such long-term communication? There may be many manifestations of an encounter with manipulators, but we still do not always realize what is the cause of our troubles. In this article we will talk about how to recognize psychological violence and protect yourself from it.

What is psychological manipulation?

Before considering the signs of manipulation and ways to protect against it, it is appropriate to understand the definition of the very subject of our article. In short, psychological manipulation is a hidden influence on another person for one’s own selfish purposes to his detriment.

Signs that you are being manipulated

As mentioned above, the biggest difficulty with the issue of psychological abuse is that it is difficult to notice. Most of us have become accustomed to the manipulation of others from early childhood. Some parents were intimidated by an “uncle policeman” or an “evil gypsy”, to whom they would give the child if he did not obey. Someone's mother or grandmother began to demonstrably clutch at his heart as soon as he did something wrong. All this leads to manipulation becoming a part of our lives, destroying us from the inside.

The surest sign that you are being manipulated is your guilt. You know that you have not done anything wrong, but, nevertheless, when communicating with a particular person, every now and then you experience a burning feeling of guilt. At the same time, this happens very often. You yourself don’t understand how this happens. But if when communicating with him you find yourself feeling guilty, be wary! Another sign that you have fallen into the trap of a manipulator is an underlying sense of anxiety. It seems that the person in front of you is smiling, and outwardly friendly, sweet, etc., but you feel something is wrong, intuitively you catch yourself with a barely noticeable feeling of anxiety, as if “cats are scratching at your soul.” Your intuition is screaming at you that you are being deceived! But how often do we trust our inner voice?

The main weapon of psychological “vampires” is a special mixture of sensations that they evoke in their victims, as if enveloping them in an impenetrable fog. This fear, guilt and responsibility. Fear may be associated with a reluctance to lose the love and affection of the manipulator, fears for his health, etc. Guilt is skillfully imposed by manipulators using their uncompromising attitude and the aura of holiness with which they surround themselves. It seems that by refusing them, you are committing a terrible crime or mistake. You don’t just disagree with this particular person, but you allow yourself to disagree with common sense, morality, and almost God himself. From guilt and fear comes responsibility. You are too afraid of losing the manipulator or you realize your “badness”, and you begin to feel dependent on the psychological rapist and try to please him.

Here are some of the manifestations of a person committing psychological manipulation:

1. Uncompromising demand

The manipulator usually considers his demands objective and self-evident. He never admits that he is capable of being wrong about anything. Such a person speaks about his desires as if these were the laws of the Universe itself. Therefore, when a person demands something from you, using phrases such as “how can you not understand this”, “this is what all normal people do”, “you must”, you should be wary. For example, a husband may be unhappy that his wife, in his opinion, dresses too revealingly. He can tell her that he is jealous, that he is uncomfortable with the way other men look at her. As long as he simply talks about his feelings, it does not turn into manipulation. But if he starts talking about how “decent women don’t dress like that”, “everyone is laughing at you, how you don’t understand this”, this is psychological manipulation.

2. Inability to accept refusal, perceiving it as a personal insult

Manipulators are incapable of dialogue. There is only one opinion: theirs is wrong. Such a person does not know how to consider a problem from different angles, does not have sufficient empathy to put himself in the place of another. The manipulator perceives refusal inadequately and draws false logical connections between refusal and the attitude and character of his victim. And then tries to impose this vision.

For example, a friend suggested you have coffee after work. You are forced to politely decline as you are in a hurry to get home. A friend may be upset, and this will be a normal reaction. But if she starts saying that you don’t love her, you are a selfish person who doesn’t have time for anyone, this is manipulation. This also includes all phrases like: “if you do this, you are not my son/daughter!”, “you are dead to me,” etc.

3. Pressure or threats in case of refusal

When the manipulator is not obeyed, he begins to “punish” his victim in order to still achieve his goal. Pressure can manifest itself in different forms, depending on the type of manipulator (we will talk about them a little further). For some, this is open aggression in a rude form, up to and including physical violence. Some people have passive aggression in the form of complaints and constant persuasion. Some manipulators begin to play a martyr, provoking a strong feeling of guilt in their victim.

Types of manipulators

Punishers

These are the most aggressive manipulators who prefer to push their victims through force, punishing them. When someone disagrees with them, they may shout, insult, and sometimes even use physical violence. In an open form, they let the victim know what will happen if she disobeys them. “If you communicate with this person, I will leave you,” “If you do not become a doctor, I will disinherit you,” etc. The Punisher does not see his victim as a person; he has obvious problems with psychological boundaries. He perceives her as a part of himself, in fact his property.

Some punishers prefer to act on their victims using so-called passive aggression. This is a refusal to communicate, breaking promises, breaking agreements, ignoring. Such manipulators often punish loved ones with icy coldness. Each of us can probably remember a case when parental silence after a quarrel was so difficult that the children were ready to beg for forgiveness.

False victims

This type of manipulator is especially dangerous, as it turns the whole situation upside down, presenting itself as a victim. Such people blackmail others, trying to show how dependent they are on them. An example of such manipulations is “Don’t leave me, or I will die”, “If you marry this woman, I will have a heart attack”, etc. The main goal of such people is to induce in the victim a huge feeling of guilt and a sense of responsibility for the life of the manipulator. Such manipulations are often resorted to by older people with health problems, as well as women of any age. After all, demonstrating aggression openly is considered indecent for the fairer sex, so they resort to such hidden, but very powerful psychological violence.

False victims often have hysterical traits in their character; they are born actors and pretenders. They take pleasure in “making mountains out of molehills” and inflating a scandal out of nothing. Wringing their hands, rolling their eyes and clutching their hearts are their favorite techniques. They want to turn their lives into a drama, as if they were playing a role in some heart-warming Brazilian series.

Martyrs

This type of manipulator is in many ways similar to the previous one. They also try to make their victim guilty of all their troubles and shift responsibility for their well-being onto her. But, unlike them, the martyrs do not express any claims or demands. They simply suffer in silence, periodically hinting to the victim that it is all because of her. Deep sighs, meaningful phrases, and the like are used. For example, a daughter recently moved into separate housing from her mother. When she comes to visit her mother, she complains about feeling unwell, that there is no one to look after her, etc. She does not directly reproach her daughter, but hints in every possible way that she, like a good daughter, needs to live with her elderly mother.

Martyrs expect almost psychic abilities from their victims: they want their thoughts to be read, to guess the slightest changes in mood. They never speak about their desires or thoughts directly. Everything is done in a veiled form. If you ask them directly: “Is it because of me that you have this condition?”, they will begin to deny everything. To the question “What happened?” they like to answer: “Nothing...”. Of course, taking a deep breath before doing so.

Seducers

Unlike the three previous types of manipulators, seducers do not seem to demand anything from their victims and do not reproach them for anything. Their weapons are more subtle and invisible. This is a promise of all sorts of rewards for behavior that is beneficial to the manipulator. The simplest manipulation of this kind is promises to the child to buy a toy for a high rating in a quarter, etc. In a more sophisticated version, this manipulation is presented in the form of concern for the victim and admiration for his talents. For example, relatives may persuade you to move to another apartment, saying that a school in another area will be better for your child. Your boss may convince you that he sees in you extraordinary abilities for a job that you do not particularly like, and therefore you should transfer to another department. Particularly skilled seducers can use your dreams for their own manipulations. For example, promise you to pay for vocal training and make your childhood dream of becoming a singer come true if you quit your job now.

How to protect yourself from manipulation?

1. Don't let your self-worth depend too much on what others think of you. We all need the approval of loved ones, but the pursuit of it should not become our goal. Ask yourself often: “Am I doing this because I really want to or to please others?” Simply put, always ask yourself: "For what?" Why would you do this? Do you really need this?

2. Guard your own boundaries carefully. Remember: you are only responsible for yourself and your small children up to a certain age. You, like other people around you, are individual adults and are capable of solving your own problems. You can help, but do not shift responsibility for someone's life onto yourself. Yes, You don't owe anything! If you think otherwise, be prepared for manipulators to flock to you like flies to honey. D. Rowling very aptly noted that very highly moral, decent people are most susceptible to manipulation. They have an overly expressed obligation. And they consider others to be just as decent, so they easily fall into the trap.

3. Don't allow yourself to focus your entire life on one person, be it a parent, child or partner. Your affection should be more or less evenly distributed among several people. No one should become your only reason in life.

4. Don’t think for another person, don’t try to read his thoughts, even if he tries hard to hint at something to you. Express your thoughts and desires directly, and try to encourage others to have frank conversations.

By constantly monitoring your feelings and asking yourself the questions mentioned above, you will learn to identify psychological violence against you and be able to resist manipulation. Although this may not happen immediately. But gradually you will develop the skill and everything will become easy. And try to limit your communication with the manipulator. Surround yourself only with those people who harmonize you, and do not destroy you.

Tatyana Kulinich for https://junona.pro

Junona.pro All rights reserved. Reprinting of the article is permitted only with the permission of the site administration and indicating the author and an active link to the site

Manipulators are people who have an uncanny way of making us believe that they are charming, supportive and kind. But by the time we realize otherwise, we find ourselves in their web of subtle deception, mind games and control.

They know how to manipulate people, manage their emotions and control the initial result for their own benefit.

I'm sure you have experienced manipulation in relationships before, and it took some time before you felt the bitter taste. Over time, you realized that situations were getting weird and you just couldn't rely on this person.

You may notice that you feel uncomfortable, irritated, or confused in the presence of the manipulator. Exists toxicity, which lingers in the air when you spend time with him or her.

It can be quite painful to be with a manipulator, especially if you are trying to be kind and reasonable. In response you will receive nothing but manipulation and attempts use your kindness.

Surely you have heard the expression "Best defense is attack", and I fully support this strategy when it comes to manipulators.

If you want to avoid pain and suffering in a relationship with a manipulator, you need to know his behavioral tactics and be able to communicate with the manipulator.

10 sneaky manipulator tactics to watch out for

1. The manipulator hones in on your weaknesses

The manipulator knows how to find your weak points, putting you in awkward positions and undermining your strength. He observes your behavior very carefully and asks questions to reveal any dark thoughts. secrets or flaws that you could have.

He may also make you feel comfortable because you are sensitive, warm, and generous—qualities he knows he can twist to his advantage. A manipulator views your kind heart as a weakness, not a positive one.

Initially, it may seem flattering that this person is showing such interest in you. He may offer sympathy and support to distract you from his ulterior motives.

Which brings me to my next tactic.

2. The manipulator takes advantage of your weaknesses and your generosity.

As soon as this person discovers your weak point, he begins to “kill”. A manipulator will use your weaknesses to get you to bend to his will.

He may make subtle threats of blackmail, indicating that he has embarrassing information about you. The manipulator is master of using your insecurities as a tool to get you to give up some part of yourself in order to serve his interests.

Or the manipulator will use personal knowledge about you and trusting relationships that you have shared with him if you try to back down or speak out against his behavior.

Knowing how kind and generous you are, the manipulator will ask too many questions and use your time and resources.

3. The manipulator uses your guilt

One of the favorite tactics of the control manipulator is blaming you. “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t have gone to your friends today.” “He will come right away and help, unlike you.”

This tactic works especially well on people who are careless or people-loving, and the manipulator will often seek out such a person because he knows that they are... easy prey.

But manipulators use guilt mercilessly and indiscriminately, even with those who could call them deceivers and pretenders. Manipulators love divert responsibility from oneself, and they take a strange pleasure in making other people feel bad or uncomfortable.

If you expose the manipulator for his espionage, find him guilty, he will be indignant and offended. You are the one who is not helping. You are a selfish, unkind friend, wife, child or helper.

4. The manipulator plays the victim

Blaming is just one of many ways a manipulator can play the victim. The manipulator will do this not only to get what he needs, but also to attract attention.

If you share the same grief or problem, there will always be situations more painful. Your pain is never as great as his. Your difficult childhood will not make the manipulator sincerely cry.

Most manipulators quickly realize that if they appear helpless, hurt and incapable, they will be able to force other people take action and take action instead. They can be forgiven for bad things or because they are victims and “just couldn’t help.”

5. The manipulator twists the truth

The manipulator is a master at entangling himself in half-truths. He will twist his own words to give an element doubts or confusion about a situation.

A good manipulator knows how to cover his tracks and muddle his words so much that you begin to doubt yourself. “Perhaps I didn’t say that.” "I thought we had confirmed our wedding date, but apparently we didn't."

The manipulator can say all this with a normal appearance and a calm voice - better than any two-faced politician. As soon as he notices that you are perplexed, he realizes that you are hooked.

6. The manipulator makes subtle hints

The manipulator will not blatantly put you down or point at you. He has much more understated ways of making you feel bad or unpleasant.

He will say things that may seem harmless, perhaps even helpful or kind, but you may feel negative, hurtful subtexts for comment.

These passive aggressive comments and subtle hints feel like bee stings, and they have the cumulative effect of a slow-killing poison.

"Oh, I see you've finally decided to wear this dress." “Do you need help with calculations? I know how hard math is for you." “How do you feel about your daughter not getting into the college she wanted to go to?”

If your manipulator knows you well, he will use the most painful place the kind that knows to put the knife in without seeming cruel or unkind, but with full understanding of how it affects you.

If you show your resentment, he will deny, deny, and deny again. “You're too sensitive. I didn't mean that at all. I would never hurt you, you know.”

7. The manipulator has a childish reaction to situations

Manipulators are child hooligans at heart. They may not have the communication skills of mature people. Or maybe their ego is out of whack and they've discovered that using and abusing people gives them what they want.

Either way, it feels like they're stuck in their early teens when they can't reach their goals naturally. They may become upset, cry, complain to other people, not give promised support, or act impulsively.

Moreover, manipulators want to attract your attention and cause you so much discomfort that you will agree to almost any of their demands.

8. The manipulator blames other people

Part of playing victim to a manipulator is blaming other people for any problems, failures, or moral failings.

The manipulator can masterfully point the finger at anyone but himself, even when it is painfully obvious who exactly is to blame.

Even when they are caught red-handed or they say something wrong or inappropriate, there will always be someone who made them do it or say it.

Or they assume that everyone else is seeing the situation wrong and that only they, the manipulators, understand the “real” truth.

Manipulators will take responsibility for everything that happens directly or indirectly in their lives, but they always refuse to take any responsibility when things go wrong.

9. Manipulators don't see boundaries

Manipulators don't respect your boundaries. As long as they withstand a lot of resistance, they will continue to say and do things that cross the line of your patience. Sometimes they cross the line even when you ask them to stop.

They may take up too much of your time, show up uninvited, frequently ask for money or things, introduce themselves into your life inappropriately, and do many other things that do not align with your values ​​and personal boundaries.

Manipulators don't seem to care that they might hurt or bother you. In fact, they feel insulted that you did not immediately respond to meet all their needs.

10. The manipulator is a master of relationship imbalance

The manipulator is usually loves drama and often uses friends, relatives, or work partners to facilitate it.

He knows how to create scenarios and interactions that lead to intrigue, rivalry or jealousy. He enjoys disharmony and chaos, and will do his best to encourage and promote this.

Manipulative people will often gossip about other people you know or will talk about your unscrupulous situations to their friends or family. Discussing dirty laundry is an art form for a manipulator, and once the confusion has cleared, they will sit back and enjoy the show.

The manipulator in such situations tries to remain the only person next to you, quarreling between you and his loved ones.

If you allow a manipulator to remain in your life, you will surely see how your quality of life deteriorates. This person will infect you with their toxic words and behavior to the point where you will lose your inner peace as well.

You may be forced to spend time with a manipulative person who is employee or family member, but you can minimize the time you spend with him and protect yourself from unfavorable situations.

When you figure out a manipulator, try not to react to his behavior. Avoid verbal confusion. Don't doubt that he doesn't respect your boundaries and values. Have power in these situations.

But the best way to deal with a manipulator is not to be implicated in his intrigue. Armed with knowledge and awareness, you can spot these harmful and destructive behaviors before inviting a manipulator into your life.

Are you currently in a relationship with a manipulator?