How to resist manipulation and not let yourself be controlled.

How to avoid falling into the manipulator's network?

Manipulative communication is something we have to deal with quite often. To resist a manipulator, you need to know the enemy by sight. The article answers the following questions: What is the manipulation based on? What are the techniques and tactics of the manipulator? How do you know if you are being manipulated? How to counteract a manipulator?

Have you ever bought useless things? Going to work on a day off? Fulfill someone's endless requests? Follow the lead of a mother or a whining child?
In life, each of us has had to find ourselves in situations where we are forced to do something. The role of a manipulator can be your child, relatives, friends, colleagues, boss, seller - anyone!

Manipulation is an open or hidden psychological influence with the aim of introducing into a person’s consciousness ideas and intentions that do not coincide with the person’s desire to receive something from him or achieve the desired action.

Manipulation, like lies, can be beneficial in some situations. Parents promise their children something, forcing them to eat, go to bed, do homework, etc. Doctors use the method of intimidation, forcing patients to quit smoking or start doing exercises.

But more often than not, such “guidance” from the outside harms us, ignores the person as an individual, neglects our interests, and humiliates us. To prevent this from happening, you need to know the enemy by sight and meet him fully armed.

What is the manipulation based on?
Manipulators skillfully play on our feelings, weaknesses, and complexes. Fears, feelings of guilt, duty, pity, love, low self-esteem, stereotypes of social consciousness - these are the reasons to hook you.

Were you planning to spend the weekend with friends? And mom, appealing to feelings of pity and duty, “invites” you to help at the dacha. “I raised you, I didn’t see the white light, but you...” - we often hear.

Politicians know that there is a contagion effect, the “crowd effect,” so they prefer rallies to other forms of PR. The crowd is easily suggestible, accepts and spreads any slogans or ideas.

"Trump cards" of the manipulator
Manipulators know and successfully use psychological influence techniques.

By suggestion used if it is necessary to “instill” a certain idea, intention, emotion. Human more susceptible to suggestion if he is tired, depressed, or experiencing a feeling of anxiety.

Threats.“Oh, you are so! I'll quit school! I’ll commit suicide!”, “If you don’t go to work on Saturday, then I will draw the appropriate conclusions.”

Blackmail.“And I’ll tell your boss!”, “If you do this, then don’t come home.”

Depreciation discredits a person, for example, questions his professional competence (“Don’t you know that?”).

Encouragement.“No one but you can cope with this task!” This flatters a person’s vanity, and he will try to justify the trust. Just what a manipulator needs.

Ignoring– deliberate inattention to the statements and actions of a communication partner, deliberate absent-mindedness, avoidance of visual contact. This hurts the interlocutor, forcing him to follow the manipulator’s lead.

Manipulation tactics could be like this:

1. Close acquaintance. People are more likely to comply with requests from those they know. It is always more difficult to refuse an acquaintance. If you refer a friend, it will be much easier to get support.

2. Search for similarities with those who are influenced. If you are similar to your opponent in some way (appearance, interests), then the task of subordinating him to your goals becomes much easier.

Professional communicators pay attention to all the details. Having learned that the interlocutor is a doctor by education, they will touch upon medical topics. Having seen the place of birth of a potential client in the questionnaire, they will report (with practiced surprise) that they have relatives living in this city.

3. Quid pro quo– a very common method of influence. “I have done so much for you, but you don’t want to help me.” Try to refuse - you will be labeled ungrateful.

4. Attempts to gain self-esteem. The question “What, no money?” humiliates a person. “What, weak?”, “Can’t you make a decision without your wife?”

5. Underestimation of one’s own capabilities, self-deprecation is one of the tricks of a passive manipulator. He pretends to be weak, sick, helpless, forcing others to help him, to do something for him. Or the person may become offended, forcing you to make concessions.

6. Choosing one option out of two possible ones. The manipulator uses phrases like: “Will you pay in cash or by card?”, “When is it more convenient for you to meet: in the morning or after lunch?” It’s possible on a day off.” You choose one of the proposed options, and any of them suits your partner.

How to recognize a manipulator?

So, it's worth taking precautions if your partner:
Violates the boundaries of your psychological space, gets too close to you, positioning himself as a person close to you.
He hypnotizes with his gaze, or, conversely, looks past you and looks away to the side.
He fusses, tries to ingratiate himself with you.
Flatters, showers with compliments.
He jokes too much.
Takes excessive care of you: “Are you comfortable?”, “Aren’t you cold?”, “Would you like some coffee?”
He imposes his services and goods.
He imposes stereotypes of behavior: “Be a man!”, “It’s customary in our team,” “If you love me, then...”
Dramatizes the situation, causing a state of anxiety and anxiety.
He answers evasively, with a question to a question (“What do you think?”).
He tries to change the topic, the course of the conversation, to direct it in the right direction for himself.
He hurries you: “Take it now - tomorrow it will be more expensive,” “Discounts are valid only today.” You are not given time to think. If you think, you won’t have time.
After communication, you feel tired, irritated, and empty.

How to counteract manipulation?

1. Be extremely attentive, trust your “sixth sense”. The task is to notice in time the elements of manipulation, the hidden motive, if there is one in communication.

2. If you guess that they are trying to use you, then you need to understand what they want from you. Try to imagine yourself in the place of your interlocutor. How would you behave, what would you achieve? His position will become clearer.

3. Hide your emotions, don’t show your “pain points.” Don't worry about your weaknesses. Everyone has them. Ignore negative assessments of your capabilities and abilities. This will prevent the manipulator from discovering your true feelings and influencing them.

4. Don't obey his rules. Be tone deaf. Consciously ignore hints, violent emotions, and intimidation. Stop attempts to impose feelings of pity, guilt, and duty on you. For example, a mother asking for help needs to explain that you are busy this weekend, but next Sunday she can count on you.

5. Your actions can also be active. Ask questions, be interested in details. The manipulator “shoots” with pre-prepared phrases, counting on the quick effect of his words, on making a lightning-fast decision. Often not ready to go into details. By asking a question, you may confuse him, you will be able to notice lies and inaccuracies. Then the manipulator will be forced to retreat.

6. Avoid calculated, predictable reactions. If you behave unconventionally, it will be impossible to adapt to you. Surprise your interlocutor by directly asking: “So what do you want from me? Should I do this work for you?

7. Use criticism, evaluation, and ridicule of your opponent’s actions.

Use counter manipulation tactics. For example, interrupt the annoying suggestions of a cosmetics company representative with the words: “I use my grandmother’s recipes and, in my opinion, I look good. Would you like me to share my secrets?

We may not like it, but manipulation is part of our communication. Therefore, you need to learn to resist it or respond to the manipulator in kind. But don’t forget the rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Manipulators can be a variety of people: work colleagues, boss, father or mother, loved one, new friend, friend.

It is important to know how to resist a manipulator and how to end a relationship with him, since manipulation can significantly worsen a person’s mental well-being both in the short and long term.

Who are manipulators?

Manipulators in psychology are people who systematically resort to various types of psychological pressure, including blackmail, to achieve certain goals.

At the same time, people who are difficult to classify as manipulators can also use manipulation and blackmail as a means of influencing others, because they do it too rarely and softly.

Manipulators resort to this extremely often. Some of them practice emotional blackmail unknowingly, but a fairly significant percentage may somehow realize that they are doing something not very good.

Also, usually such people use not only manipulation, but also other means of mental influence. They can be classified as , and communication with them is rarely pleasant.

That the person is a manipulator, the following facts may indicate:

Each manipulator acts in his own way, but, one way or another, they usually cause harm to others discomfort of varying severity.

Many manipulators behave this way because there is something wrong with their psyche.

For example, manipulations of the format “I am bad and worthless, and I also feel very bad, so help me, be there for me” can be in the arsenal of people with,.

When a person overcome your mental illness, the manipulativeness in his behavior will also disappear or significantly decrease.

However, not all people who use manipulation can be “remade” with the help of persuasion or visits to a psychologist or psychotherapist.

And it is important to understand that a person who has fallen into the bonds of a manipulator is not obliged to take care of him or find a special approach to him. Maybe, but not required.

How to behave with such a man?

Men tend to more rude, aggressive manipulative methods, while women more often use soft, careful manipulations, which are not always possible to recognize.

How to beat a manipulator? If you understand that the man in your environment is a manipulator, it is important:

How to protect yourself from a manipulator? How to talk to him? Basics of communication with a manipulator, counter-manipulation techniques:

answer briefly, in abrupt sentences;
resort to vague, vague statements;
use template phrases, stereotypical formulations;
joke, tease, if possible;
smile more often, create the feeling that you do not take the manipulator and his words seriously;
at the same time, control yourself, be polite, under no circumstances try to insult him, directly humiliate him, or hit him;
joke gently with yourself;
do not try to make excuses and apologize for refusing: this will give the manipulator the feeling that he can put pressure on you.

To beat a manipulative narcissist, you can use the following techniques:

How to fight back a manipulator?

Manipulators quickly lose interest in people who do not respond to their manipulative influence.

It is important throughout the entire period of communication with the manipulating person stand one's ground to make it disappear.

How to live with a husband who manipulates you?

A significant percentage of women regularly find that involved in an overtly toxic relationship, in which partners seek to hurt them and force them to obey.

In such relationships, various types of violence are common, including manipulation, sometimes in extremely cruel forms.

Why is this happening? “Oh, they probably want this themselves, since they didn’t stop all this earlier,” many will say with confidence. But in general in toxic relationships everything is quite complicated.

There are a number of features that lead to a woman ending up in a toxic relationship and unable to get out of it:

How to fight? Male manipulators do not always resort to other types of violence, but relationships with them are usually built according to the above-mentioned scenario.

Coexistence with a manipulator is an extremely difficult matter, and a woman faced with regular harsh manipulations should think about divorce.

How to put it in place? If she wants to continue the relationship and believes that she is able to tolerate manipulation and can find some approach to her husband, it is important for her:

Also important use countermanipulation to counteract, if the situation allows it, and to say “no”.

What if a manipulative man stopped communicating? Manipulative men may resort to silence to put pressure on their women and other loved ones.

Such silence is designed to provoke convenient reactions in them, make you do what you want, especially in cases where the victim has already begun to resist.

In such situations, the most important thing is not to play along, not to show the man that his technique can work. Keep calm and act as normal.

If no means help, it is important overcome yourself and file for divorce.

How to punish him?

It's hardly worth punishing him. This can rarely bring real benefit, unless will allow you to throw out the accumulated negativity(but it’s better to throw it out in other ways).

The best way to punish a manipulative person is actively use countermanipulation and make it clear that you are not interested in him being around.

If the manipulator is a close person, you can try to use his own methods. For example, ignoring. Don't answer his calls, don't interact with him if he appears nearby, and so on.

How to break up with such a person?

How to get rid of a manipulative man? Advice for women who want to break up with a manipulator:

After this, the smartest thing to do is to ignore it. It will also be useful to find a new partner: this will push the manipulator away.

How to resist female manipulation?

As mentioned earlier, women tend to use more gentle manipulative techniques, not associated with aggression or direct insults.

Usually they tend to press on pity, use their own tears as a means of persuasion, and resort to indirect influence (for example, the use of pseudo-concern).

In addition, manipulative women love to “get offended”: they use their pseudo-resentment as a means to cause discomfort, remorse, shame in the victim.

How to avoid being deceived? It is not always easy to recognize such manipulations, but if this is possible, it is important for the recipient to use the protection methods described above:

remain calm, no matter what the woman does, and stand your ground;
under no circumstances resort to any form of violence;
use countermanipulation;
say no;
if she chooses silence and ignoring, do not try to interrupt it and behave casually;
respect yourself;
if constructive communication seems like a possible option, discuss the situation with the woman, report your discomfort, give advice, suggest options that will correct the situation.

If various means of influence do not work, you should move away from her.

Countermanipulation at work

Manipulation by colleagues - common phenomenon.

Usually they resort to them to throw off their affairs on whoever comes to hand.

How to avoid being manipulated? Ways to deal with manipulative colleagues:

Use countermanipulation. In the fight against lazy people, all means are good. Ignore, joke, tease and do not give your colleague any opportunity to understand that you can be useful to him.
Make an agreement with your colleagues. It is possible that the manipulator is targeting not only you, but someone else. If you work harmoniously in the fight against the psychological pressure of the manipulating person, you can win and force him to practically stop the attacks. Until a new convenient victim appears, of course.

Also remember that sometimes the art of playing on the side of a manipulative colleague can be useful. If you see that you are able to benefit from what is happening, take advantage of this opportunity.

The hardest thing is people new to the team, in which there is one or more manipulators. At first, you need to be especially alert and do everything possible to demonstrate strength and resilience.

First impression- the most important. If local manipulators quickly realize that they will not get anything from you, in the future you will be able to work in comfort.

How to communicate with manipulators? Find out from the video:

When we try to control people and situations that fall into the realm of “none of our business,” we ourselves become controlled.

M. Beatty, Alcoholic in the Family, or Overcoming codependency.

How do we allow ourselves to be manipulated?

In the first part of this article " Relationship manipulation and emotions"We talked about what manipulation is in relationships and how it relates to emotions. In the second part we will discuss.

So, it is not the feelings themselves, but the reluctance to experience them, the flight from ourselves, that makes us manipulated objects. It's really hard to experience guilt, shame, anger, fear. I would like to do something to make this condition stop immediately. The feeling may seem terrible and unbearable. There is even a term for the fear of experiencing negative emotions - emotophobia. .

Therefore, it is not surprising that there are people who prefer to act rather than feel. The problem is that it is emotions (together with a logical assessment of the situation) that give us an understanding of the problem and point to its real solution.

Negative feelings tell us valuable information about what is wrong with us, what our needs are not met, what you need to pay attention to. Fear says that something threatens us (not only physically, but also morally), anger gives strength to struggle and achieve goals, guilt indicates problems in relationships with other people.

If we act without having time to feel and understand the situation, to understand what is happening, it is unlikely that our action will help solve the problem. Because we don’t have time to understand where we need to move. This is similar to running, but the one who runs does not know where and from where (in manipulative relationships, this is most often running in a vicious circle).

Instead of a free, consciously chosen action, a reaction is obtained - an action that depends entirely on external influence. And this is exactly what the manipulator seeks: to control another person from the outside.

Reactions in manipulative relationships are usually quite stereotypical: quickly do what the manipulator wants or respond with counter-manipulation in order to get rid of him. And since manipulation is a hidden influence, the reaction to it is often not realized. And the running begins along a closed trajectory consisting of manipulations and counter-manipulations. Eric Berne called this type of human interaction game.

The drama of such relationships lies in the fact that both ultimately lose in the game. The gain can only be immediate (to achieve the desired reaction or avoid an imposed action). But after victory comes a counter-reaction, and what was gained is lost. With each round, losses increase (energy, time are wasted, other possibilities are exhausted), and all “winnings” are reset to zero.

What is the loss of a manipulative relationship?

The fact is that the participants lose themselves and lose their loved ones. They cannot realize themselves because they are afraid to face negative experiences, and they cannot see the other, because, firstly, he seems to evoke these feelings, and secondly, because for this they need to stop, and they have no time : you have to constantly repel attacks and act-act-act.

Manipulative relationships are paradoxical!

Firstly, although the “players” are focused on each other more than on anything else, they do not see or know each other. That is, the wife of an alcoholic has perfectly studied his habits, places for possible drinking, she knows all the typical excuses, knows all his bad friends, and quickly calculates, based on indirect signs, the risk that he will now start drinking again. But that's all.

For her, her husband's personality boils down solely to alcoholism. She is only interested in information that will help her understand: does she drink or not? And the fact that he played the guitar in his student years, and that sometimes he still thinks about his small business, that he is still scared and ashamed, is completely uninteresting.

Secondly, although manipulative relationships require constant tension and action from the participants, nothing changes in them. Years go by, a lot of effort is spent, but the relationship remains within the framework of one closed scheme. No development is possible in them. Because development requires the emergence of something new, and for something new to appear, something must be done differently. But giving up your usual reaction is too scary, because if you stop, your feelings will immediately catch up with you.

Conclusion: to understand how to resist manipulation, you must first learn to face your own feelings and experience them.

Stop and step away

Try to “slow down” your usual reactions. Don't rush into action. It's difficult. The feeling of being “hooked” by the manipulator is very unpleasant. But a quick reaction is not a way out of the situation, but, most likely, another run in a circle. How to stop?

Yes, just at the moment when you want to run away/scream/give money/drink again - you can’t do it. But don’t continue the showdown if you feel that you are being overwhelmed by passion.

You need to go beyond the conflict situation at least for some time. You can do it physically: go for a walk, do some exercise, be alone. You can switch to your thoughts and bodily sensations. You can read a prayer. Or before you act, count to yourself... At least to a thousand.

Expand your focus

That is, redirect it. Take a calm breath and remember: how did you even end up here (in this situation)? What's happening? What do they want from you? What do you want? What will happen if you do this or that way? And... why do you need to do anything at all?

Look at the terrible manipulator who makes you experience such unpleasant experiences. How do you feel about him? How do you think he feels now? What would he tell you if he allowed himself to speak honestly? Maybe you'll notice something you hadn't noticed before.

And never forget about yourself. Don't let another person and their problems occupy all your thoughts. Find yourself in space. You will feel your body and the soil under your feet (yes, it’s time, right now). Focus on your own thoughts and feelings.

Don't try to prevent or control emotions

This will only make things worse. Suppressed feelings create tension, which accumulates and then breaks out in the form of uncontrollable affect.

Instead, accept what you are experiencing at the moment, even if it is something painful or wrong. Just tell yourself: “right now I feel guilty (fear, shame, etc.).” Try to look for the reason: why do I feel guilty? Did I do something bad? If yes, what can be done to fix it, if not, then where did this feeling come from?

Remember: a feeling does not oblige you to act. . They need to be separated in your consciousness.

When you allow yourself to experience negative emotions, they may not be so unbearable, and maybe they will go away altogether.

Untangling the tangle of irrational beliefs

Manipulation of loved ones is especially effective because the same family, as a rule, has a common set of unspoken rules. Try to formulate what dogma underlies a typical manipulative act in your relationship. If, for example, an elderly mother tells you that your selfish desire to live separately upsets her so much that you will give her a heart attack, check yourself: do you think that you are really responsible for the health and mood of your parents? Can you really control other people's emotions? Or maybe your parents are still beyond your control?

To be honest

As described above, manipulation in close relationships is rarely one-sided. Maybe you're afraid to do things differently or call things by their proper names. Or are you more comfortable leaving everything as is. Then why do you say you are being forced? Sometimes one frank conversation allows people to finally express their desires, get to know each other and experience great relief. Although, of course, there are no guarantees.

Allow others to be themselves

Even if it seems that the way he is, he is harming himself and you. His choice is his business, and you make yours. You cannot be free yourself without accepting the freedom of others. Power and control are always a double-edged leash.

Breaking out of a vicious cycle of manipulative relationships is not an easy task. If you want to solve it, but you are scared, difficult, or don’t understand where to start, you can contact me for professional help and support.

Book fragment Nazar-Aga I. They play on your feelings! Psychological protection from manipulators. M.: Peter, 2013

Who among us has not experienced psychological manipulation by relatives, friends, colleagues and just acquaintances? The disgusting feeling of being forced to do something that you absolutely do not want to do, of being deceptively drawn into yet another dubious story, is familiar to almost everyone. As a rule, we feel that we need to say “no,” but we give in under the pressure of emotions, which is exactly what manipulators count on. They threaten, seduce, press for pity, make you feel guilty, and it seems to you that, despite the arguments of reason, you must give in. How to resist such emotional terror? How to recognize a talented camouflage manipulator? Advice is given by the famous French psychologist Isabelle Nazaré-Aga. Her books on psychological manipulation have become bestsellers in Europe and have been translated into dozens of languages.

Learn to use countermanipulation techniques

The concept of “countermanipulation” most often implies the use of technology nebulae. This technique uses vague and superficial communication techniques and consists of not making commitments. It is widely used by manipulators themselves, as well as by people immune to the manipulations that use it intuitively and are completely unaware of this.

However, this technique allows us to expand the field of our capabilities. The basis of countermanipulation is every second adaptation to the manipulator in order to protect against it. Some points are favorable for an answer with humor, others - for an answer with irony, and others - for a negative answer without comment (but not for an incomprehensible and vague answer). You need to be vigilant when using this technique because its use does not come naturally to most of us and requires a lot of effort from the nervous system. As you probably already understood, countermanipulation is accomplished using verbal means.

Do not think that the practice of countermanipulation was created by my imagination. It is based on observations of those who managed to extricate themselves from difficult situations associated with the presence of a manipulator. I mean people who are immune to manipulation and various provocations. In addition to the fact that these people do not emotionally feel attacks, criticism, threats and other dangerous means of unbalancing, they, as a rule, also respond to them in a similar way. They never read about it in books; they instinctively learned this at a very young age (due to the presence of a manipulator in their environment).

Human relations experts have become very interested in this form of communication (strongly undesirable in other circumstances) for one reason: the manipulator quickly distances himself from people who are insensitive to their influence. At least to their ability to evoke emotions that unbalance. In fact, a manipulator cannot feel important or superior to an insensitive person because he does not react on his provocations, no matter how sophisticated they may be. Remember in the first chapter we talked about a drowning man who can float to the surface only by leaning on the heads of others? The manipulator simply slides off and cannot touch an unresponsive person. Sometimes we even say: “It passed me by,” “I don’t pay attention to it,” or “It doesn’t bother me.” If the verbal and non-verbal behavior of an unresponsive person allows one to avoid suffering from the onslaught of the manipulator, then this technique is effective. We observed it, conducted experiments, reproduced it, evaluated it, and gave it a name: countermanipulation.

The beneficial outcome of using countermanipulation varies depending on whether you are familiar with the manipulator or not. If you start practicing from now on, the first manipulator you meet will immediately feel that the boomerang he throws will definitely return to him. He will secretly fear you, respect you (despite appearances to the contrary) and try to avoid communicating with you as much as possible. Be aware of the negative psychological impact it has on those around you. If you manage to get out of the minefield, do not forget that he is checking the others in the same way as he was checking you. It takes him from five to fifteen minutes to understand who is in front of him.

Sometimes this happens almost instantly - a few seconds are enough.

Manipulators under the guise of a seducer often use their insight and tell you about your personality (at first only about the positive aspects) from the very first minutes of your acquaintance. This stuns you, and you fall under the spell of his promising gift! But at the same time, if you live or work with a manipulator or are constantly near him, he becomes able to predict any of your reactions. If it does not coincide with the reaction of an unreceptive person, if it is defensive or focused on your internal experiences, he will be able to notice the slightest change in your behavior. He won't understand why you suddenly started answering him as if you were confident in yourself. He won't stand it and will force you to react the way he needs. You should be on guard whenever the manipulator tries to create discomfort. For as long as it takes.

This process requires concentration, but it also involves doing personal work on the feelings of guilt that may arise as soon as you accept the appearance unresponsive, which means heartless,inhuman,evil man. All these epithets have nothing to do with the truth, but somewhere deep down you may doubt it. The manipulator will be able to blame you for this so that you will again take up your defensive positions. Therefore, to any of his reproaches (“You have a stone instead of a heart,” “You are selfish,” “You never loved me”) you can clearly answer him: “If this is what you want to believe, so much the worse!” Or use another, no less revealing answer. The words you choose to answer are important. They convey your state of mind.

Your emotional state when you are face to face with a provocation, a strategy of a manipulator, or simply in the presence of him, is not neutral. However, this does not apply to the immune people I mentioned above. You feel an internal discomfort or a trap in which the other person is trapping you, and you only strive to convey to him in an aggressive manner the idea that his behavior and statements are inconsistent, immoral or destructive. A waste of time! The manipulator will answer you in kind, using contradictory, fundamentally false arguments that nevertheless seem logical! This will touch you to the quick, and you will begin to make excuses, trying to return the truth to its rightful place. Anger will take over you, and it will become stronger the better the manipulator manages to turn your arguments backwards and convince you. No (or practically no) positive result will come from this. Ultimately, you will express your point of view that your tension (it arises because you want to protect yourself at all costs) will be evidence of a lack of self-confidence to him.

Countermanipulation is a technique. Your task is to answer so as if you were an unreceptive person. Respond in such a way that he perceives your behavior that way. The manipulator plays with words and the vagueness of their meaning. He believes that he is able to influence others. Start using words and you will go down the same road. In the beginning, the first few months, you will be in constant tension: heartbeat, fever, uneven breathing. But at least your answers will be more confident, appropriate and less emotional. When you are looking for the best counter-manipulation line, pay attention to external criteria and focus on what is best to say in such a situation, not on the emotions that overwhelm you.

The right words do not come on their own in the context of such an abstract conversation; first you need to understand what exactly you can use. If you learn a dozen of these phrases by heart, they will appear in your memory with increasing certainty. It is important not to let the manipulator understand that you are offended by his hidden attacks. Also, don't let him realize that you need to think carefully about your answer before voicing it. He is smart enough to also learn to answer accurately, but without anger and aggression (in this case, irony is an acceptable maximum), although this takes several months. Don't give up, even if your objections aren't perfect. Practice shows that countermanipulation achieves its goals even in cases where it is far from ideal.

Calculating our efforts in countermanipulation does not happen from case to case. It can't be said that countermanipulation doesn't work only because the manipulator had the last word or he remained unconvinced, despite your logical and detached answers! The results of your new behavior will only become visible after several months. Therefore, your primary task is not to give up after two weeks just because the manipulator continues to try to do the same thing to you that he always succeeded in doing before. Only after a certain number of situations does the manipulator realize the presence passive confrontation on your part, which will lead to him unknowingly moving away from you. He may even suddenly become completely indifferent to you, and you will not be able to take advantage of the advantages that he could provide you in some areas. This needs to be understood. If you doubt what you are doing, remember what you can achieve and forget about what you will lose.

Dialogues with examples of countermanipulation

Read the above dialogues with manipulators (each of them has at least fourteen characteristics, some have up to twenty-five) and identify common points in the behavior of various people who have adopted the countermanipulation technique. Some situations are not given in full, however, none of them has lost its essence. Each dialogue begins with a remark from the manipulator (indicated by the letter M). Dialogues unfold around four areas: social, professional, marital and family.

Social sphere

The manipulator is a friend, acquaintance, colleague or stranger.

Dialogue No. 1

M: This person is not suitable for you.

- That's your point of view. The rest of my friends don't think so.

Do your friends know him?

Certainly.

Why didn't you introduce me to him?

The opportunity just never presented itself.

I still think you deserve better.

This is also just your opinion!

But that’s how it is! You're such a smart girl... and some kind of musician, really!

- He can’t be smart because he’s a musician?

No. I did not say that. I think you deserve someone of your caliber.

That's your opinion.

Okay, after all, it's your life.

That's it.

Dialogue No. 2

M: All lawyers are scammers.

What a stereotype!

This is not a stereotype. Look at your friend...

And what happened to him?

Listening to him, you might think that he is extracting money from his clients.

- But he protects them well.

He protects them! The number of lawyers who defend criminals and...

- Wait! This is about my friend. And not about other lawyers. My friend doesn't defend criminals.

Yes, I'm not talking about your friend, I'm talking to you about lawyers in general.

- Then, it's OK!

Yes... after all, your friend may be different from them, I don’t know anything about him.

- Yes, you don’t know anything about him.

In any case, I am convinced that all lawyers are scammers.

- You can believe it.

Dialogue No. 3

M: People who aspire to become government employees are not very hardworking.

That's your opinion.

This is not just an opinion. This is true.

- I have several such acquaintances; on the contrary, they are very conscientious.

I'm not saying that they are unscrupulous: I'm saying that they are not hardworking.

It's the same thing in terms of work.

Not at all!

As you say.

Dialogue No. 4

M: Oh! Do you have a new dress?

Did your grandmother give it to you?

- Certainly! My grandmother loves dresses from Cerutti. This style suits her very well!

And they sell this at Cerutti?

Well, yes!

It is unlikely that this fact would make me want to wear such a dress!

- And that’s great, otherwise we would always look the same!

Dialogue No. 5

M: Tell me, can you do me a favor?

Which one?

I'm just in a very difficult situation right now.

Which one?

I have... how to say... my friend is supposed to come spend the night with me, he will come by train. He has a lot of suitcases, but I don't have a car. I think it will be quite problematic to travel by metro with such luggage.

Yes, I understand. And when?

- You can just offer him to take a taxi and...

You see, he doesn't have much money.

- But I don’t know him, try to meet him yourself.

It doesn't matter, I'll go with you.

- Meet him, and you'll take a taxi together, that's all.

Yes, but like I said, he's not very good with money, so it's quite problematic.

- I understand, but tomorrow I’m busy, and you’ll have to come up with...

What are you doing tomorrow?

I need to do a lot of things.

Important.

Well thanks, girlfriend! When you find yourself in... I will remember this.

- I think all circumstances must be taken into account.

You take into account the circumstances, but you don’t take into account the fact that I am your friend.

I'm doing you a favor.

- But just like you, I do it under the conditions that suit me too.

Until today, you haven't provided me with many services.

- Come on! Of course, if the services I provided to you are not very meaningful to you, then I...

No, they are insignificant because you did not provide them to me, that’s the point!

- And now you, therefore, expect me to repay your debt and...

I'm not waiting. I’m just making a request to you... if you want to fulfill it, of course. After all, I know you are an altruist. And you say that you like to help people... And so, I have problems with money, and so does he. He took a lot of suitcases with him, and it won’t be possible to get there by metro and...

- Wait…

It will only take you five to ten minutes...

- Wait: I have to tell you something. From today, my altruism has limits... Here.

Okay, now I'm in the know.

- It's simple. Under other conditions, I might have agreed to do you a favor, but tomorrow I can’t. I hope you respect my business.

Dialogue No. 6

The manipulative friend is constantly depressed. She often calls late at night, without thinking that it may be inconvenient for others. She is trying to detain me, although I already need to leave (I’m going to the theater).

M: You don’t care about my problems. You calmly go to the theater.

- I think some things should not be confused. On the one hand, if you continue to call me every two days and tell me about your misfortunes, it means that I am a very attentive listener. On the other hand, it won't be very good if I don't do what I want.

Yes, I realized: you don’t care about other people’s lives.

- I care. But if you are so convinced of this, you can understand it all exactly like that.

Yes, I'm convinced of it.

Well, so much the worse for you.

But Blandine, I’m telling you, I’ve just been dumped, and you’re calmly going to the theater!

Sure sure.

I would answer differently if I were you!

That's just what you say.

I don't leave my friends in trouble.

- If you consider the fact that I am leaving for the theater just when you call me to talk it out, a mistake to the extent of making me feel guilty, you are right: we react differently to what is happening around us. But I really have to go because I'm late. I'm sorry. I can't listen to you now. Try to do something good for yourself.

Professional area

The manipulator is the owner of the company, manager, colleague or client.

Dialogue No. 7

The two participants in the dialogue have just completed complex negotiations to sign a contract.

M: What are you writing?

This is for me. This way I won't forget anything.

You do not trust me?

On paper it is still more reliable.

But it seems to me that you are only writing this down because you don’t trust me.

I'm sorry you think that way.

After all, my word is my word. It's my honor.

I hope for this reason it will not be difficult for you to sign here.

Dialogue No. 8

Director and his secretary.

M: How did it happen that you did not come to this meeting, although I asked you to?

- You know me, I write down everything they tell me. You must have forgotten to warn me.

You are not infallible and perfect!

- I have shortcomings, but I don’t let them show at work. And the fact that we have been working together for three years is only possible because I am sufficiently worthy of your trust. You know that I write everything down so that you don’t forget anything. But don't be angry. We need to verify information about important meetings if you need my presence so that this doesn't happen again.

Dialogue No. 9

The secretary asks the manager to approve the work schedule.

M: I don't have time. I have an important meeting and I need to go.

- Yes, I know that you are in a hurry. The thing is, I have a question about the meeting on Wednesday, which...

Yes Yes Yes.

You yourself asked me...

Convene.

So what?

If I do not agree with you on the start time...

Can't we discuss this tomorrow? Because now I'm very late...

- Please, I know that you are trying to improve the efficiency of our work, so if you want everyone to come to the meeting on Wednesday, tell me what time suits you.

Can I schedule it for three o'clock in the afternoon?

Look, I don’t know, I don’t have my diary with me...

- Three PM. I looked through your diary. You will have time at three o'clock in the afternoon...

Good good…

Three hours, three o'clock?

Yes, set it for three o'clock.

- Fine. Thanks a lot. Will you write this down in your diary?

Yes, I'll remember that.

I’ll write it down myself and remind you of this.

Dialogue No. 10

The manipulator regularly convenes meetings with colleagues, but their opinions constantly differ. This time he acts as a demagogue.

M: Madame Darmon, you seem to disagree.

I have a different opinion. Well, express it to us.

- Usually I like to express my opinion when it is appreciated.

But that's what we're here for.

- I’m very glad that you reminded me of this.

Sphere of marital relations

Spouses living together or apart.

Dialogue No. 11

M: You only think about yourself.

-You might want to think before you speak.

What's your new craze - going somewhere on Saturdays when I'm not working?

- If you feel abandoned because I started going to the pool on Saturday mornings, this is an alarming sign.

You've never done this to me before!

- There is no need to feel deprived because I started doing what I like.

Don't you like being with me and the children?

It's not the same.

What do you mean - it's not the same?

- I devoted a lot of time to you all. Now the children are thirteen and sixteen years old, and I can devote some time to myself.

What should we do?

- But each of you has your own affairs, regardless of my presence. Now I do the same as you: I take care of my own. I will only take good things out of this for myself.

Who turned you against me?

“I’m upset that you don’t think I’m capable of making decisions on my own.” I didn’t say anything before not because I didn’t think. On the contrary, I had time to think everything over in detail. I don't want to be alone. It will be more interesting for you if your wife develops, right?

Yes, sure.

Dialogue No. 12

M: All women are liars.

- Aren’t there any men? (Without showing that she was offended.)

Men have other disadvantages. But women are special precisely because they are liars.

- Indeed, when a woman communicates with several men at the same time, it is better that she does not talk about everything.

They are cowardly.

Maybe.

Dialogue No. 13

M: You look like your mother.

Thanks a lot.

But this is not a compliment!

And I consider it a compliment.

As you say. You'll see that I'm right.

Wait and see.

Dialogue No. 14

M: You are always right.

Yes, sometimes.

You always want to be right.

- It often happens that I turn out to be right. You don't have to really want it for it to happen.

Principles of countermanipulation

The principles that can be used for countermanipulation are very precise. The result depends on this accuracy.

Use short phrases.
Be unclear.
Try to use ready-made phrases, sayings and proverbs.
Give preference to impersonal offers.
Use humor if the context allows.
Smile, especially at the end of a sentence, if the context allows it.
Express yourself self-ironically (talk about yourself with humor).
Stay polite.
Don't engage in a discussion if it leads nowhere or if it leads to humiliation.
Avoid aggression.
Use irony only if you are responding to a remark and are completely confident in yourself.
Don't try to justify yourself. In short, act as if you were immune to manipulation person. In addition to the rules, which are guidelines for liberation from all negative emotions, self-control is also necessary.

A few phrases in the countermanipulation technique

This is just (your) opinion.
You can continue to think like that.
You can continue to believe in it.
This is just (your) interpretation.
You can see it (it can be viewed) from this angle.
You can take it however you want.
You have the right to think so.
I can tell you yes if that's what you want to hear.
If you say so!
If you really think so!
It's just a point of view.
Oh! People often talk about things they know nothing about.
You only see part of the picture, that's normal.
If you don't know, you can always figure it out.
You can make it up.
I have a different opinion.
It's possible.
It's possible... from your point of view!
This is true.
This is true.
Is not it?!
This happens to me.
Happens.
I don't have exact information.
Sometimes you need to be able to do this.
And yet, you are not omniscient!
I should have used someone as an example...
It just amuses me to do the same thing as everyone else.
Everyone knows this.
Depends on the circumstances.
Obviously, I'm not saying this.
It's too easy!
Are you saying this to me?
This doesn't happen every time!
Every man to his own taste. Everyone has their own tastes.
Everyone needs this, regardless of tastes.
Personally, I love it, but does that really matter?
Appearances are deceptive.
And I don't feel any discomfort.
It all depends on who we are talking about.
It really doesn't annoy you.
I love to be original.
Oh yes! I don't do anything, just like everyone else!
This is my charm.
My friends (my husband) love me the same way.
Nobody's perfect, right?
Everyone has their own style.
ABOUT! This is a very interesting idea!
Don't worry about me.
Advice is always useful.
The future will judge.
Wait and see.
Sometimes it gives something.
Everyone has their own experience.
He who strives for nothing receives nothing.
Yes, I didn't think about that!
I wouldn't be wrong about that.
I am calm.
Thank you!
Thanks for reading.
Thank you for giving me a choice.
Really, do I have a choice?
As usual.
It's very nice of you to take care of me.
It's nice of you to allow me to do this.
Apparently.
It does not matter.
There's nothing really serious. But there are many important things.
I use a different ethic.
This is a moral issue!
I have no doubt about it.
Of course.
I see.
OK then!
Uh-huh.
Definitely.
Really often.
Without a doubt.
I really hope.
We understood each other well.
You know this very well.
It is sad.
So much the worse!
I'm sorry for you.
This time yes.
You can't be wrong all the time.
I didn't think you noticed that.
I'm glad to hear this from you.
Naturally, there are reasons.
Are you talking about yourself?
We are talking about different things.
You think so?
I don't understand who you are talking about.
I have the impression that you are adding fuel to the fire.
We are not here to add fuel to the fire.
Why do you say such things?
Everyone develops in their own way.
Yes, but there is some development within the profession.
You can't solve everything with your mind.
What do you do with love (friendship)?
When they love, they don’t count.
Is this your problem? (Instead of: “This doesn’t concern you.”)
Did it bore you that much?
Why?
Why not?
And you?
What do you think about this?
Why are you asking me this question?
You understand, I know what I'm doing.
It gives me pleasure.
Who said that?
Where did you find out about this?
Are you telling gossip now?
What do you think?
What do you mean by that?
What else should I have done?
Why are you saying this?
Can you be more precise?

Now close your eyes and try to reproduce ten of the above expressions from memory. Then emphasize in the list of expressions that you were able to remember.

Now I suggest that you highlight the most commonly used countermanipulation responses.

It is your opinion.
You can believe it.
You have the right to think so.
It's possible.
This happens to me.
Everyone has their own tastes.
Don't worry about me.
I am calm.
I have no doubt about it.
What are you trying to say?

Learn these ten expressions by heart.

The one hundred and eighteen expressions above are responses to defend against situations in which the manipulator is present, or the comments of the manipulator. There are others, they need to be formulated depending on each specific case.