How to resist manipulation: effective methods of protection.

Hi all! The work week has begun, which means social activity and the level of interaction with other people have increased. What am I talking about? There are excellent manipulators from God, as well as an equally large number of people who are eager to master the techniques of controlling other people so that their own life will finally become easy, pleasant and carefree.

I recently covered the topic of this, and you liked this article. While looking for ideas for new articles, I came across a video that talks about 5 things that manipulation is based on. I liked it. I agree with what it says: it passes the test of reason and is often observed in life. I will definitely attach this video at the end of the article. It looks easy, although it lasts 18 minutes.

As a result, I decided to write an article about how to recognize manipulation, how to react to it, and how we are most often manipulated. The video will perfectly complement the article :) Let’s quickly move on to how to resist manipulation!

Manipulation is a trick that is aimed at inducing a person to do something beneficial and convenient for another. It is important for the manipulator to get results at any cost; he does not care about your opinion about it, your desire or unwillingness to do it. Of course, manipulation is not good, regardless of whether a person does it intentionally or not.

It seems to me that you should value not only your freedom, but also the freedom of other people. They absolutely have the right to put their goals, tasks and time ahead of someone else when necessary. At the same time, this attitude gives us freedom too. It's okay to refuse help and it's also okay to face rejection. If this is of a permanent nature, then, of course, you should think about it.

How to recognize manipulation

To know how to resist manipulation, you should first understand how to identify them.

When manipulation occurs, another person or group of people is trying to persuade you to take an action or decision that you, in principle, do not need and are not interested in. To cloud your mind and not let you understand that everyone wins but you, manipulators put pressure on weak points. You will learn more about them from the video.

If you listen to yourself for a second, you cannot help but notice the discomfort, because they are trying to persuade you to do something through leverage. They may be common to many people or to you specifically. Another person is trying to control you and encroaching on your personal freedom through playing on feelings, weakness, lack, and even kindness. Everything is in progress.

It is clear that manipulations can quite rightly cause indignation, because the goal in them is achieved at any cost, and this is a clear disrespect for you. You are not obligated to sacrifice your time and energy for anything that is not part of your plans or desires.

Nevertheless, you can take a step forward, but in response not to manipulation, but to a sincere request. In this case, the person explains why he needs you and gives you the opportunity to decide for yourself whether you can answer the request or not. If they are simply trying to dump things on you, and do not really need help, do not accept refusal and put pressure on weak points, then all this does not deserve a positive response.

How to respond to manipulation

Everyone is trying to manipulate: both the inner circle and the distant one. Depending on these same circles there will be different reactions. Next, you will learn how to resist manipulation by both.

Manipulation acquaintances usually less subtle, so we feel them better. I would not attach special importance to this, I would simply note a person’s tendency to play on the weaknesses of others in order to achieve his own. Agree to something only if it does not cause you any inconvenience and you would like to do it at least a little. If not, then feel free to refuse, you don’t even have to go into long explanations about this.

With manipulations loved ones For people, everything is much more complicated. It is often difficult for us to admit that we are being manipulated, but if we feel pressure, coercion, discomfort, then this is it. If the request goes against your goals and plans, or even if you don’t want to respond to it at all, then refuse.

The manipulator, of course, will not take your refusal seriously and will continue to put pressure and manipulate more and more sophisticatedly. Just understand what is happening and don't change your mind. You can try to better explain the reason for the refusal, but usually this will not bother a person prone to manipulation: he does not need explanations, but for you to do as he needs.

The first refusal will be the most painful. You may feel like the most terrible person on earth, although you just somehow expressed the right to your life with your goals, plans and problems. Remember that your interests are no less valuable, and this alone should exclude any strong pressure on you.

The next act of manipulation will not be so intense. Over time, a person will be forced to learn to accept rejection. Any request implies both answers: “yes” and “no” - and for many people this comes as a complete surprise and a real blow.

What are the manipulations based on?

The main levers of influence on you, especially when communicating with your inner circle, are a pity And guilt. They are truly very effective and can make us drop everything to respond and do what someone else needs. This is noble, but is it noble to achieve such an effect through manipulation?

It is important to distinguish when you actually feel pity and guilt, and when they are imposed on you. Does the person or their situation really make you sincerely pity and want to help? No? Then, most likely, this feeling is simply instilled in you so that you do what is convenient for the other.

You seem to have done nothing wrong, but suddenly you feel terribly guilty. So guilty that you are already rushing to help and make amends. This should be alarming, especially considering that you can simply shame a person and make them feel guilty out of nowhere.

If you doubt the presence of manipulation, then try not to do what you are being encouraged to do: refuse and observe the reaction. If the other person does not accept your refusal and continues to coerce and put pressure on weak points, then there is definitely manipulation. They just tried to control you in an ugly and dishonest way.

I am convinced that requests must be truly justified and sincere. In this case, it’s nice to help, even if sometimes there are more important things to do. Manipulators should not be worth your attention: it is low to try to achieve your goal in this way.

Try to give more freedom to others, take refusals calmly, even if you were counting on the person. He wouldn't refuse you without reason. Also allow yourself to sometimes be “bad” and refuse help: you, like the other person, have every right to do this.

I hope you enjoyed this article on how to resist manipulation! Respect yourself, do not devalue your time and energy, help when you really feel like it! Let manipulators spend their energy not on blackmail and looking for your next weak point, but on solving their problems independently.

I hug you, wish you a good day and attach the video that I mentioned at the beginning of the article. Write your opinion about this topic.

See you on Thursday when the new article comes out! I will also be very glad to see you on social networks. Bye!

When we try to control people and situations that fall into the realm of “none of our business,” we ourselves become controlled.

M. Beatty, Alcoholic in the Family, or Overcoming codependency.

How do we allow ourselves to be manipulated?

In the first part of this article " Relationship manipulation and emotions"We talked about what manipulation is in relationships and how it relates to emotions. In the second part we will discuss.

So, it is not the feelings themselves, but the reluctance to experience them, the flight from ourselves, that makes us manipulated objects. It's really hard to experience guilt, shame, anger, fear. I would like to do something to make this condition stop immediately. The feeling may seem terrible and unbearable. There is even a term for the fear of experiencing negative emotions - emotophobia. .

Therefore, it is not surprising that there are people who prefer to act rather than feel. The problem is that it is emotions (together with a logical assessment of the situation) that give us an understanding of the problem and point to its real solution.

Negative feelings tell us valuable information about what is wrong with us, what our needs are not met, what you need to pay attention to. Fear says that something threatens us (not only physically, but also morally), anger gives strength to struggle and achieve goals, guilt indicates problems in relationships with other people.

If we act without having time to feel and understand the situation, to understand what is happening, it is unlikely that our action will help solve the problem. Because we don’t have time to understand where we need to move. This is similar to running, but the one who runs does not know where and from where (in manipulative relationships, this is most often running in a vicious circle).

Instead of a free, consciously chosen action, a reaction is obtained - an action that depends entirely on external influence. And this is exactly what the manipulator seeks: to control another person from the outside.

Reactions in manipulative relationships are usually quite stereotypical: quickly do what the manipulator wants or respond with counter-manipulation in order to get rid of him. And since manipulation is a hidden influence, the reaction to it is often not realized. And the running begins along a closed trajectory consisting of manipulations and counter-manipulations. Eric Berne called this type of human interaction game.

The drama of such relationships lies in the fact that both ultimately lose in the game. The gain can only be immediate (to achieve the desired reaction or avoid an imposed action). But after victory comes a counter-reaction, and what was gained is lost. With each round, losses increase (energy, time are wasted, other possibilities are exhausted), and all “winnings” are reset to zero.

What is the loss of a manipulative relationship?

The fact is that the participants lose themselves and lose their loved ones. They cannot realize themselves because they are afraid to face negative experiences, and they cannot see the other, because, firstly, he seems to evoke these feelings, and secondly, because for this they need to stop, and they have no time : you have to constantly repel attacks and act-act-act.

Manipulative relationships are paradoxical!

Firstly, although the “players” are focused on each other more than on anything else, they do not see or know each other. That is, the wife of an alcoholic has perfectly studied his habits, places for possible drinking, she knows all the typical excuses, knows all his bad friends, and quickly calculates, based on indirect signs, the risk that he will now start drinking again. But that's all.

For her, her husband's personality boils down solely to alcoholism. She is only interested in information that will help her understand: does she drink or not? And the fact that he played the guitar in his student years, and that sometimes he still thinks about his small business, that he is still scared and ashamed, is completely uninteresting.

Secondly, although manipulative relationships require constant tension and action from the participants, nothing changes in them. Years go by, a lot of effort is spent, but the relationship remains within the same closed pattern. No development is possible in them. Because development requires the emergence of something new, and for something new to appear, something must be done differently. But giving up your usual reaction is too scary, because if you stop, your feelings will immediately catch up with you.

Conclusion: to understand how to resist manipulation, you must first learn to face your own feelings and experience them.

Stop and step away

Try to “slow down” your usual reactions. Don't rush into action. It's difficult. The feeling of being “hooked” by the manipulator is very unpleasant. But a quick reaction is not a way out of the situation, but, most likely, another run in a circle. How to stop?

Yes, just at the moment when you want to run away/scream/give money/drink again - you can’t do it. But don’t continue the showdown if you feel that you are being overwhelmed by passion.

You need to go beyond the conflict situation at least for some time. You can do it physically: go for a walk, do some exercise, be alone. You can switch to your thoughts and bodily sensations. You can read a prayer. Or before you act, count to yourself... At least to a thousand.

Expand your focus

That is, redirect it. Take a calm breath and remember: how did you even end up here (in this situation)? What's happening? What do they want from you? What do you want? What will happen if you do this or that way? And... why do you need to do anything at all?

Look at the terrible manipulator who makes you experience such unpleasant experiences. How do you feel about him? How do you think he feels now? What would he tell you if he allowed himself to speak honestly? Maybe you'll notice something you hadn't noticed before.

And never forget about yourself. Don't let another person and their problems occupy all your thoughts. Find yourself in space. You will feel your body and the soil under your feet (yes, it’s time, right now). Focus on your own thoughts and feelings.

Don't try to prevent or control emotions

This will only make things worse. Suppressed feelings create tension, which accumulates and then breaks out in the form of uncontrollable affect.

Instead, accept what you are experiencing at the moment, even if it is something painful or wrong. Just tell yourself: “right now I feel guilty (fear, shame, etc.).” Try to look for the reason: why do I feel guilty? Did I do something bad? If yes, what can be done to fix it, if not, then where did this feeling come from?

Remember: a feeling does not oblige you to act. . They need to be separated in your consciousness.

When you allow yourself to experience negative emotions, they may not be so unbearable, and maybe they will go away altogether.

Untangling the tangle of irrational beliefs

Manipulation of loved ones is especially effective because the same family, as a rule, has a common set of unspoken rules. Try to formulate what dogma underlies a typical manipulative act in your relationship. If, for example, an elderly mother tells you that your selfish desire to live separately upsets her so much that you will give her a heart attack, check yourself: do you think that you are really responsible for the health and mood of your parents? Can you really control other people's emotions? Or maybe your parents are still beyond your control?

To be honest

As described above, manipulation in close relationships is rarely one-sided. Maybe you're afraid to do things differently or call things by their proper names. Or are you more comfortable leaving everything as is. Then why do you say you are being forced? Sometimes one frank conversation allows people to finally express their desires, get to know each other and experience great relief. Although, of course, there are no guarantees.

Allow others to be themselves

Even if it seems that the way he is, he is harming himself and you. His choice is his business, and you make yours. You cannot be free yourself without accepting the freedom of others. Power and control are always a double-edged leash.

Breaking out of a vicious cycle of manipulative relationships is not an easy task. If you want to solve it, but you are scared, difficult, or don’t understand where to start, you can contact me for professional help and support.

Not long ago, one of the users of a famous social network shared a “discovery” with friends: the background colors that users of this social network can choose for their messages are strikingly reminiscent of the colors of the famous Luscher test. That is, it is not pure colors that are offered, but a kind of smeared, muted option. By the way, it’s interesting that he discovered this completely by accident. It’s just that where he was located there was quite a slow Internet connection. And he noticed that before the “funny pictures” familiar to users of the social network, which prompt users to choose a background, are loaded, a color layout appears, reminiscent of Luscher’s.

If you are paranoid...

The user who discovered this oddity suggested that the social network was testing its users in this way. One can dismiss this assumption as just another bout of naive conspiracy theory. But, firstly, conspiracy theories have recently proven that they are not so naive after all, when it turns out that what “naive conspiracy theorists” once warned about is only a soft version of what is happening in hardcore reality, and in Secondly, it’s probably worth listening to well-known and seemingly humorous statements, like this: “If you are paranoid, this does not mean that you are not being watched.”

They're watching, be calm...

In fact, social networks no longer particularly hide the fact that they collect information about their users using all sorts of algorithms that evaluate certain of their reactions. That is why you suddenly find from time to time that you are being harassed by some kind of intrusive advertising or that you see messages from some of your friends, but not messages from others. For some reason, the social network “knows better than you” what you need, or “thinks” it “knows better.” If you knew that the matter is limited only to this, and that the information is not used for anything else, then okay. But we don't know that. And we rightly suspect social networks of playing dirty games. This time. And one more thing: it’s one thing when you are tested in agreement with you for a purpose known to you, and quite another thing when you never dream of such testing for unclear purposes. That's two.

Luscher test

What exactly is the Luscher test? It seems that those who have been at least somewhat interested or are interested in psychology know what it is. For those who don’t know, here’s a brief, albeit vulgar (for obvious reasons) explanation. This is a psychological test that was invented by Swiss psychologist Mark Luscher. The point is that preferences for one color or another, according to the Swiss psychologist, are subjective, in contrast to color perception itself. Plus, the choice of one color or another is based on unconscious algorithms, and therefore, a person becomes visible in full view - the way he is, and not the way he imagines and positions himself. Next are the technical details. But the point is this. Some argue that this, if not pure quackery, is a very rough assessment of a person. However, those who took the test were sometimes shocked by how famously it brought to light those traits and potential of them, sometimes very unpleasant, which they themselves suspected of themselves.

"Do not chat!"

But in fact, it is always unpleasant that you are an object of study for someone. And, we repeat, without your request. Who gets the data that social networks collect about us? Maybe those who say that they end up with the special services are right? It’s not for nothing that former CIA and NSA employee Edward Snowden, now living in Russia, is afraid to talk about serious topics even with an iron on nearby. And he knows what surveillance is. Let us recall exactly what information he published in the newspapers (after which he had to flee the United States). This was NSA information about the real World Wide Web, created by American intelligence agencies to track information flows between a huge number of people from different countries. With the help, among other things, of various information networks.

Social engineering

But in general, it’s not even about the special services and vigorous conspiracy theories. Simply, the data collected by social networks can be used, for example, in social engineering. Yes, in principle, social networks themselves in their current form are a tool of social engineering. At least some of the so-called color revolutions that swept across the world were also promoted on social networks. And if only they would unwind. Social networks have sometimes been the organizing and guiding force of such revolutions, and in fact, coups. At least judging by their results (and none of them had a positive result for the majority of members of society in the territory where it unfolded), these are definitely destructive coups.

Manipulate and manipulate again

“Social engineers,” in fact, do not hide the fact that their goal is to create, with the help of various technologies, conditions that will lead to a specific desired result. All this is heavily influenced by the achievements of sociology and psychology. In short, this is manipulation, most often secret, in its purest form. One can argue that social engineering is just a tool, and everything depends on in whose hands this tool ends up. But in fact, manipulation always remains manipulation, no matter for whatever good purposes it is used. Yes, we all manipulate each other, but in the case of “social engineers” we are talking about conscious, sophisticated, scientifically based manipulation of individual and mass consciousness. This is akin to... nuclear weapons. Which, as you know, requires close control. Perhaps social engineering methods will be useful for medical purposes. But even then the temptation to manipulate remains.

Responsible Manipulator Code

The above does not mean at all that social engineering should be prohibited. Once upon a time we already declared genetics the “enemy of the people.” And they fell behind. Enough of this shamanism. On the contrary, social engineering must be developed in every possible way precisely with the goal of not only discovering weaknesses in human perception, but also developing methods of countering even high-level manipulation. In addition, no one has yet canceled science, despite the craze for various obscurantisms. But most importantly, the “social engineers” themselves must approach their work responsibly, being aware of not only the pros, but also the disadvantages of this “engineering.” They would, perhaps, create some kind of code for a responsible manipulator...

It is a trap

You can find many recommendations on how to recognize and cut off attempts at manipulation. The only trouble is that in most cases they do not work. Why? Yes, because, whatever one may say, they are all based on awareness. And people, for the most part, are unconscious creatures. You can argue with this statement, but if you try to trace your everyday reactions, you will easily see that in the vast majority of cases we act automatically, without thinking. No, in our heads there is always some white noise from fragments and shadows of memories and thoughts, but for the most part this has nothing to do with what is happening in reality. Or rather, it has an indirect relationship. That's the problem. This is the weak point that allows us to be manipulated, causing the necessary reactions. And even when it seems to us that we are quite logical in our reasoning and are fully aware of what we are doing, this rarely coincides with reality. After all, it is not enough to think logically; I would like to understand what caused the chain itself, what emotions it is based on and what ancient instincts or simply habitual algorithms feed these emotions themselves. Agree, this looks very much like a trap. Moreover, into the trap that we set for ourselves.

Take breaks

On the other hand, we arranged it ourselves, and we can disassemble it ourselves. But it is difficult. The main trick in this is attention. You need to listen to your reactions and take a break. That is, do not react automatically. A certain emotion has appeared, a certain urge to action, a certain direction of thought in response to a reaction - take a break. Relax. Try to understand what really motivates you. Again, this is difficult, incredibly difficult. But there is no other way out if you do not want to be a victim of manipulators. You must gradually extend your attention and awareness to more and more waking hours. And it will become a habit. Don't sleep in reality.

Each of us has had to experience psychological pressure from acquaintances, relatives, colleagues and just friends. Such “attacks” always leave behind a disgusting feeling and force us to do something that we absolutely don’t want to do. They can drag us into dubious stories, and even if we feel that we need to say a decisive “no” and stop the manipulator without allowing us to suppress our will, we often simply give in under the pressure of the emotions evoked in us. Masquerading behind good intentions, a manipulator, as a rule, puts pressure on our feelings of guilt or pity, deceives us, threatens, seduces, flatters, blackmails and tries with all his might to get a concession from us.

How can one resist such an unpleasant onslaught and how to recognize a manipulator who is sometimes very cleverly disguised? In this article, we will introduce you to the top 8 rules for communicating with manipulators that allow you to resist and nullify such emotional terror. These counter-manipulations will allow you to act according to the dictates of your will and feelings and fight back against the most skillful “psychological terrorist”.

Rule #1. Always remember your inviolable rights

You should not allow a manipulator to violate the boundaries of your personal space or disregard your rights and life principles.

The boundaries of the personal space of each of us are inalienable, and we have the right to stop the manipulator’s attempts to grossly violate them. Remember that you have the right:

to mutual respect;
get what you paid for;
independently determine your priorities;
express your views despite the fact that they do not coincide with someone else's expectations or views;
say “no” without feeling guilty;
express your opinions, feelings or desires;
build your life in accordance with your own understanding of happiness;
protect yourself from emotional, physical or moral threats or blackmail.

All these boundaries or some of them are always grossly violated by emotional manipulators - they do not recognize them and pretend that their behavior is normal. Remember that only we ourselves can save this situation.

Rule #2. Always keep your distance

Don't forget that the manipulator can deftly change masks. He is very rude with one person, hyper-polite and helpful with another, today he is completely helpless, and tomorrow he is extremely aggressive and unrestrained. If you notice such a person in your environment, try not to come into contact with him unless absolutely necessary. Try to keep a safe distance from him and do not let him cross the boundaries you have set.

As a rule, the manipulator has been practicing this behavior since childhood. Remember that saving him, re-educating him or correcting him is not your task. By making such attempts, you risk your personal space and waste your time.

Rule #3. Don't blame yourself for not meeting the manipulator's demands.

Any manipulator always plays on the weaknesses of others. Having achieved what he wants, he receives a benefit or simply consoles himself with the thought of the victory achieved. Using his tricks and bait, he makes you feel inferior or even guilty. Record such actions of the manipulator and, having tracked them, remember that you are not obliged to meet someone else's requirements. Remember that the problem is not you, but you are being manipulated to make you feel like you are not good enough. Having achieved what he wants, the manipulator will definitely take advantage of the opportunity and subjugate you to his will, forcing you to give up your rights.

In order to thoroughly think about your relationship with the manipulator, answer yourself the following questions:

Does he show you respect?
Are his demands, requests or expectations reasonable?
Are your relationships making it difficult for you to feel good about yourself?
Is your relationship balanced or is it only you who invest your time and effort into it, and the other always benefits from it?

The answers to these simple questions will allow you to really understand the essence of the problem and answer the question - the problem lies in you or in another person.

Rule #4. Ask the manipulator a few distracting and testing questions about him

The main goal of any manipulator is to make you forget about your needs and switch to fulfilling his demands or numerous requests. When faced with such another and unreasonable attack, move the manipulator’s attention from yourself to his person. To do this, you can address him several questions, the answers to which will allow you to find out whether he has even minimal self-criticism. By asking such questions, you will, as it were, put a mirror between you and him, and he will be able to see the true meaning of his request or demand.

The manipulator will be forced to retreat by the following questions:

Are you asking me about this or are you confirming it?
Do you think this request/demand is reasonable?
Can I have my own opinion regarding this issue?
Do you think this is fair to me?
What will I get in exchange?
Do you really expect me to comply with your demand or request? (Reframe the manipulator’s attack as directed at him.)

However, there are completely impenetrable manipulators who will not even think about the current situation and will stubbornly insist on their own, finding endless arguments. In such cases, the tips described below will come in handy.

Rule #5. Learn to say no

You should not be afraid to tell the manipulator “No!” or feel guilty about it.

Always remember that you have the right to set your own priorities and plan your personal time. You have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty for saying no. A clearly worded refusal will allow you to insist on your own and keep your comfort boundaries unshakable.

Usually people are afraid to say no for the following reasons:

they are afraid of offending or angering by refusing to fulfill a request;
are afraid of losing a good or favorable attitude;
They think that refusing is rude and impolite.

In the case of a manipulator, such fears are, to put it mildly, inappropriate, since he always pursues his only goal - “to ride someone.” That is why all our worries about the refusal to communicate with such aggressors are unfounded. Only through disagreement can you “win back” your personal space and rights.

Use these tips to refuse:

Show your irritation or dissatisfaction with the demand or request. By showing your feelings, you will let your interlocutor know that his invasion of your territory is unpleasant to you. Use the phrases “this makes me a little angry”, “I’m not interested in this”, “I can only do this if absolutely necessary”, etc. to express your emotions.
Say no and give a clear and concise reason for your refusal.
Suggest a solution to the problem.
Pause so that your interlocutor can speak. Listen to him calmly.
Repeat your refusal - say the word “no”, and then say what exactly you refuse to do, briefly explaining why you will not do it.

By following these simple rules, be persistent and consistent. Your tone should not inspire even the slightest doubt in the manipulator - this way you will not allow him to drag you into the discussion.

Make it a rule to do only what you consider necessary for you (that is, what you want to do, are obliged to do, or what benefits you).

Rule #6. Take your time when communicating with a manipulator

One of the favorite methods of manipulators is to take their victim by surprise. They try to achieve immediate action or response, because when there is a lack of time, it is easier for them to achieve the desired result and control you.

That is why, when communicating with such people, you need to use the time factor to your advantage - this way you can distance the psychological aggressor, and it will be more difficult for him to achieve what he wants. Try telling him one simple, but very effective phrase in such situations: “I’ll think about it later.” By taking such a pause, you will be able to really assess the situation, weigh the pros and cons, and think through refusal tactics.

Rule No. 7. Warn the manipulator about the consequences of his intrusion

In response to the aggressor’s treacherous or boorish invasion of your personal space or unwillingness to hear “no” from you, tell your opponent about the possible consequences of his actions. Be firm and confident in your statements, convincingly formulate the possible consequences of the current situation. Such a rebuff is very effective in dealing with manipulators and can not only take them out of the game, but also make them treat you with more respect.

Rule #8. Let's fight back the offender

Some of the manipulators can go as far as direct insults, blackmail or intimidation. Typically, they focus in this way on weaker individuals who are passive or compliant.

For all their menacing appearance, all aggressors are cowardly at heart. According to many studies, such offenders were themselves victims of violence, and their offensive behavior is only a mask.

That is why if you show composure, firmness, calmness and self-confidence, the manipulator will most likely retreat. This rule works in any area.

Remember that the manipulator will quickly move away from you if you show him that you are immune to his attacks and influence. Thanks to simple but effective counter-manipulation techniques, you can make him pass you by. The favorable result of their application in practice will give you the opportunity to make the aggressor feel that the boomerang he launched will definitely return to him. As a result, he will secretly be wary of you, respect your personal space, and try to avoid communicating with you whenever possible.

Book fragment Nazar-Aga I. They play on your feelings! Psychological protection from manipulators. M.: Peter, 2013

Who among us has not experienced psychological manipulation by relatives, friends, colleagues and just acquaintances? The disgusting feeling of being forced to do something that you absolutely do not want to do, of being deceptively drawn into yet another dubious story, is familiar to almost everyone. As a rule, we feel that we need to say “no,” but we give in under the pressure of emotions, which is exactly what manipulators count on. They threaten, seduce, press for pity, make you feel guilty, and it seems to you that, despite the arguments of reason, you must give in. How to resist such emotional terror? How to recognize a talented camouflage manipulator? Advice is given by the famous French psychologist Isabelle Nazaré-Aga. Her books on psychological manipulation have become bestsellers in Europe and have been translated into dozens of languages.

Learn to use countermanipulation techniques

The concept of “countermanipulation” most often implies the use of technology nebulae. This technique uses vague and superficial communication techniques and consists of not making commitments. It is widely used by manipulators themselves, as well as by people immune to the manipulations that use it intuitively and are completely unaware of this.

However, this technique allows us to expand the field of our capabilities. The basis of countermanipulation is every second adaptation to the manipulator in order to protect against it. Some points are favorable for an answer with humor, others - for an answer with irony, and others - for a negative answer without comment (but not for an incomprehensible and vague answer). You need to be vigilant when using this technique because its use does not come naturally to most of us and requires a lot of effort from the nervous system. As you probably already understood, countermanipulation is accomplished using verbal means.

Do not think that the practice of countermanipulation was created by my imagination. It is based on observations of those who managed to extricate themselves from difficult situations associated with the presence of a manipulator. I mean people who are immune to manipulation and various provocations. In addition to the fact that these people do not emotionally feel attacks, criticism, threats and other dangerous means of unbalancing, they, as a rule, also respond to them in a similar way. They never read about it in books; they instinctively learned this at a very young age (due to the presence of a manipulator in their environment).

Human relations experts have become very interested in this form of communication (strongly undesirable in other circumstances) for one reason: the manipulator quickly distances himself from people who are insensitive to their influence. At least to their ability to evoke emotions that unbalance. In fact, a manipulator cannot feel important or superior to an insensitive person because he does not react on his provocations, no matter how sophisticated they may be. Remember in the first chapter we talked about a drowning man who can float to the surface only by leaning on the heads of others? The manipulator simply slides off and cannot touch an unresponsive person. Sometimes we even say: “It passed me by,” “I don’t pay attention to it,” or “It doesn’t bother me.” If the verbal and non-verbal behavior of an unresponsive person allows one to avoid suffering from the onslaught of the manipulator, then this technique is effective. We observed it, conducted experiments, reproduced it, evaluated it, and gave it a name: countermanipulation.

The beneficial outcome of using countermanipulation varies depending on whether you are familiar with the manipulator or not. If you start practicing from now on, the first manipulator you meet will immediately feel that the boomerang he throws will definitely return to him. He will secretly fear you, respect you (despite appearances to the contrary) and try to avoid communicating with you as much as possible. Be aware of the negative psychological impact it has on those around you. If you manage to get out of the minefield, do not forget that he is checking the others in the same way as he was checking you. It takes him from five to fifteen minutes to understand who is in front of him.

Sometimes this happens almost instantly - a few seconds are enough.

Manipulators under the guise of a seducer often use their insight and tell you about your personality (at first only about the positive aspects) from the very first minutes of your acquaintance. This stuns you, and you fall under the spell of his promising gift! But at the same time, if you live or work with a manipulator or are constantly near him, he becomes able to predict any of your reactions. If it does not coincide with the reaction of an unreceptive person, if it is defensive or focused on your internal experiences, he will be able to notice the slightest change in your behavior. He won't understand why you suddenly started answering him as if you were confident in yourself. He won't stand it and will force you to react the way he needs. You should be on guard whenever the manipulator tries to create discomfort. For as long as it takes.

This process requires concentration, but it also involves doing personal work on the feelings of guilt that may arise as soon as you accept the appearance unresponsive, which means heartless,inhuman,evil man. All these epithets have nothing to do with the truth, but somewhere deep down you may doubt it. The manipulator will be able to blame you for this so that you will again take up your defensive positions. Therefore, to any of his reproaches (“You have a stone instead of a heart,” “You are selfish,” “You never loved me”) you can clearly answer him: “If this is what you want to believe, so much the worse!” Or use another, no less revealing answer. The words you choose to answer are important. They convey your state of mind.

Your emotional state when you are face to face with a provocation, a strategy of a manipulator, or simply in the presence of him, is not neutral. However, this does not apply to the immune people I mentioned above. You feel an internal discomfort or a trap in which the other person is trapping you, and you only strive to convey to him in an aggressive manner the idea that his behavior and statements are inconsistent, immoral or destructive. A waste of time! The manipulator will answer you in kind, using contradictory, fundamentally false arguments that nevertheless seem logical! This will touch you to the quick, and you will begin to make excuses, trying to return the truth to its rightful place. Anger will take over you, and it will become stronger the better the manipulator manages to turn your arguments backwards and convince you. No (or practically no) positive result will come from this. Ultimately, you will express your point of view that your tension (it arises because you want to protect yourself at all costs) will be evidence of a lack of self-confidence to him.

Countermanipulation is a technique. Your task is to answer so as if you were an unreceptive person. Respond in such a way that he perceives your behavior that way. The manipulator plays with words and the vagueness of their meaning. He believes that he is able to influence others. Start using words and you will go down the same road. In the beginning, the first few months, you will be in constant tension: heartbeat, fever, uneven breathing. But at least your answers will be more confident, appropriate and less emotional. When you are looking for the best counter-manipulation line, pay attention to external criteria and focus on what is best to say in such a situation, not on the emotions that overwhelm you.

The right words do not come on their own in the context of such an abstract conversation; first you need to understand what exactly you can use. If you learn a dozen of these phrases by heart, they will appear in your memory with increasing certainty. It is important not to let the manipulator understand that you are offended by his hidden attacks. Also, don't let him realize that you need to think carefully about your answer before voicing it. He is smart enough to also learn to answer accurately, but without anger and aggression (in this case, irony is an acceptable maximum), although this takes several months. Don't give up, even if your objections aren't perfect. Practice shows that countermanipulation achieves its goals even in cases where it is far from ideal.

Calculating our efforts in countermanipulation does not happen from case to case. It can't be said that countermanipulation doesn't work only because the manipulator had the last word or he remained unconvinced, despite your logical and detached answers! The results of your new behavior will only become visible after several months. Therefore, your primary task is not to give up after two weeks just because the manipulator continues to try to do the same thing to you that he always succeeded in doing before. Only after a certain number of situations does the manipulator realize the presence passive confrontation on your part, which will lead to him unknowingly moving away from you. He may even suddenly become completely indifferent to you, and you will not be able to take advantage of the advantages that he could provide you in some areas. This needs to be understood. If you doubt what you are doing, remember what you can achieve and forget about what you will lose.

Dialogues with examples of countermanipulation

Read the above dialogues with manipulators (each of them has at least fourteen characteristics, some have up to twenty-five) and identify common points in the behavior of various people who have adopted the countermanipulation technique. Some situations are not given in full, however, none of them has lost its essence. Each dialogue begins with a remark from the manipulator (indicated by the letter M). Dialogues unfold around four areas: social, professional, marital and family.

Social sphere

The manipulator is a friend, acquaintance, colleague or stranger.

Dialogue No. 1

M: This person is not suitable for you.

- That's your point of view. The rest of my friends don't think so.

Do your friends know him?

Certainly.

Why didn't you introduce me to him?

The opportunity just never presented itself.

I still think you deserve better.

This is also just your opinion!

But that’s how it is! You're such a smart girl... and some kind of musician, really!

- He can’t be smart because he’s a musician?

No. I did not say that. I think you deserve someone of your caliber.

That's your opinion.

Okay, after all, it's your life.

That's it.

Dialogue No. 2

M: All lawyers are scammers.

What a stereotype!

This is not a stereotype. Look at your friend...

And what happened to him?

Listening to him, you might think that he is extracting money from his clients.

- But he protects them well.

He protects them! The number of lawyers who defend criminals and...

- Wait! This is about my friend. And not about other lawyers. My friend doesn't defend criminals.

Yes, I'm not talking about your friend, I'm talking to you about lawyers in general.

- Then, it's OK!

Yes... after all, your friend may be different from them, I don’t know anything about him.

- Yes, you don’t know anything about him.

In any case, I am convinced that all lawyers are scammers.

- You can believe it.

Dialogue No. 3

M: People who aspire to become government employees are not very hardworking.

That's your opinion.

This is not just an opinion. This is true.

- I have several such acquaintances; on the contrary, they are very conscientious.

I'm not saying that they are unscrupulous: I'm saying that they are not hardworking.

It's the same thing in terms of work.

Not at all!

As you say.

Dialogue No. 4

M: Oh! Do you have a new dress?

Did your grandmother give it to you?

- Certainly! My grandmother loves dresses from Cerutti. This style suits her very well!

And they sell this at Cerutti?

Well, yes!

It is unlikely that this fact would make me want to wear such a dress!

- And that’s great, otherwise we would always look the same!

Dialogue No. 5

M: Tell me, can you do me a favor?

Which one?

I'm just in a very difficult situation right now.

Which one?

I have... how to say... my friend is supposed to come spend the night with me, he will come by train. He has a lot of suitcases, but I don't have a car. I think it will be quite problematic to travel by metro with such luggage.

Yes, I understand. And when?

- You can just offer him to take a taxi and...

You see, he doesn't have much money.

- But I don’t know him, try to meet him yourself.

It doesn't matter, I'll go with you.

- Meet him, and you'll take a taxi together, that's all.

Yes, but like I said, he's not very good with money, so it's quite problematic.

- I understand, but tomorrow I’m busy, and you’ll have to come up with...

What are you doing tomorrow?

I need to do a lot of things.

Important.

Well thanks, girlfriend! When you find yourself in... I will remember this.

- I think all circumstances must be taken into account.

You take into account the circumstances, but you don’t take into account the fact that I am your friend.

I'm doing you a favor.

- But just like you, I do it under the conditions that suit me too.

Until today, you haven't provided me with many services.

- Come on! Of course, if the services I provided to you are not very meaningful to you, then I...

No, they are insignificant because you did not provide them to me, that’s the point!

- And now you, therefore, expect me to repay your debt and...

I'm not waiting. I’m just making a request to you... if you want to fulfill it, of course. After all, I know you are an altruist. And you say that you like to help people... And so, I have problems with money, and so does he. He took a lot of suitcases with him, and it won’t be possible to get there by metro and...

- Wait…

It will only take you five to ten minutes...

- Wait: I have to tell you something. From today, my altruism has limits... Here.

Okay, now I'm in the know.

- It's simple. Under other conditions, I might have agreed to do you a favor, but tomorrow I can’t. I hope you respect my business.

Dialogue No. 6

The manipulative friend is constantly depressed. She often calls late at night, without thinking that it may be inconvenient for others. She is trying to detain me, although I already need to leave (I’m going to the theater).

M: You don’t care about my problems. You calmly go to the theater.

- I think some things should not be confused. On the one hand, if you continue to call me every two days and tell me about your misfortunes, it means that I am a very attentive listener. On the other hand, it won't be very good if I don't do what I want.

Yes, I realized: you don’t care about other people’s lives.

- I care. But if you are so convinced of this, you can understand it all exactly like that.

Yes, I'm convinced of it.

Well, so much the worse for you.

But Blandine, I’m telling you, I’ve just been dumped, and you’re calmly going to the theater!

Sure sure.

I would answer differently if I were you!

That's just what you say.

I don't leave my friends in trouble.

- If you consider the fact that I am leaving for the theater just when you call me to talk it out, a mistake to the extent of making me feel guilty, you are right: we react differently to what is happening around us. But I really have to go because I'm late. I'm sorry. I can't listen to you now. Try to do something good for yourself.

Professional area

The manipulator is the owner of the company, manager, colleague or client.

Dialogue No. 7

The two participants in the dialogue have just completed complex negotiations to sign a contract.

M: What are you writing?

This is for me. This way I won't forget anything.

You do not trust me?

On paper it is still more reliable.

But it seems to me that you are only writing this down because you don’t trust me.

I'm sorry you think that way.

After all, my word is my word. It's my honor.

I hope for this reason it will not be difficult for you to sign here.

Dialogue No. 8

Director and his secretary.

M: How did it happen that you did not come to this meeting, although I asked you to?

- You know me, I write down everything they tell me. You must have forgotten to warn me.

You are not infallible and perfect!

- I have shortcomings, but I don’t let them show at work. And the fact that we have been working together for three years is only possible because I am sufficiently worthy of your trust. You know that I write everything down so that you don’t forget anything. But don't be angry. We need to verify information about important meetings if you need my presence so that this doesn't happen again.

Dialogue No. 9

The secretary asks the manager to approve the work schedule.

M: I don't have time. I have an important meeting and I need to go.

- Yes, I know that you are in a hurry. The thing is, I have a question about the meeting on Wednesday, which...

Yes Yes Yes.

You yourself asked me...

Convene.

So what?

If I do not agree with you on the start time...

Can't we discuss this tomorrow? Because now I'm very late...

- Please, I know that you are trying to improve the efficiency of our work, so if you want everyone to come to the meeting on Wednesday, tell me what time suits you.

Can I schedule it for three o'clock in the afternoon?

Look, I don’t know, I don’t have my diary with me...

- Three PM. I looked through your diary. You will have time at three o'clock in the afternoon...

Good good…

Three hours, three o'clock?

Yes, set it for three o'clock.

- Fine. Thanks a lot. Will you write this down in your diary?

Yes, I'll remember that.

I’ll write it down myself and remind you of this.

Dialogue No. 10

The manipulator regularly convenes meetings with colleagues, but their opinions constantly differ. This time he acts as a demagogue.

M: Madame Darmon, you seem to disagree.

I have a different opinion. Well, express it to us.

- Usually I like to express my opinion when it is appreciated.

But that's what we're here for.

- I’m very glad that you reminded me of this.

Sphere of marital relations

Spouses living together or apart.

Dialogue No. 11

M: You only think about yourself.

-You might want to think before you speak.

What's your new craze - going somewhere on Saturdays when I'm not working?

- If you feel abandoned because I started going to the pool on Saturday mornings, this is an alarming sign.

You've never done this to me before!

- There is no need to feel deprived because I started doing what I like.

Don't you like being with me and the children?

It's not the same.

What do you mean - it's not the same?

- I devoted a lot of time to you all. Now the children are thirteen and sixteen years old, and I can devote some time to myself.

What should we do?

- But each of you has your own affairs, regardless of my presence. Now I do the same as you: I take care of my own. I will only take good things out of this for myself.

Who turned you against me?

“I’m upset that you don’t think I’m capable of making decisions on my own.” I didn’t say anything before not because I didn’t think. On the contrary, I had time to think everything over in detail. I don't want to be alone. It will be more interesting for you if your wife develops, right?

Yes, sure.

Dialogue No. 12

M: All women are liars.

- Aren’t there any men? (Without showing that she was offended.)

Men have other disadvantages. But women are special precisely because they are liars.

- Indeed, when a woman communicates with several men at the same time, it is better that she does not talk about everything.

They are cowardly.

Maybe.

Dialogue No. 13

M: You look like your mother.

Thanks a lot.

But this is not a compliment!

And I consider it a compliment.

As you say. You'll see that I'm right.

Wait and see.

Dialogue No. 14

M: You are always right.

Yes, sometimes.

You always want to be right.

- It often happens that I turn out to be right. You don't have to really want it for it to happen.

Principles of countermanipulation

The principles that can be used for countermanipulation are very precise. The result depends on this accuracy.

Use short phrases.
Be unclear.
Try to use ready-made phrases, sayings and proverbs.
Give preference to impersonal offers.
Use humor if the context allows.
Smile, especially at the end of a sentence, if the context allows it.
Express yourself self-ironically (talk about yourself with humor).
Stay polite.
Don't engage in a discussion if it leads nowhere or if it leads to humiliation.
Avoid aggression.
Use irony only if you are responding to a remark and are completely confident in yourself.
Don't try to justify yourself. In short, act as if you were immune to manipulation person. In addition to the rules, which are guidelines for liberation from all negative emotions, self-control is also necessary.

A few phrases in the countermanipulation technique

This is just (your) opinion.
You can continue to think like that.
You can continue to believe in it.
This is just (your) interpretation.
You can see it (it can be viewed) from this angle.
You can take it however you want.
You have the right to think so.
I can tell you yes if that's what you want to hear.
If you say so!
If you really think so!
It's just a point of view.
Oh! People often talk about things they know nothing about.
You only see part of the picture, that's normal.
If you don't know, you can always figure it out.
You can make it up.
I have a different opinion.
It's possible.
It's possible... from your point of view!
This is true.
This is true.
Is not it?!
This happens to me.
Happens.
I don't have exact information.
Sometimes you need to be able to do this.
And yet, you are not omniscient!
I should have used someone as an example...
It just amuses me to do the same thing as everyone else.
Everyone knows this.
Depends on the circumstances.
Obviously, I'm not saying this.
It's too easy!
Are you saying this to me?
This doesn't happen every time!
Every man to his own taste. Everyone has their own tastes.
Everyone needs this, regardless of tastes.
Personally, I love it, but does that really matter?
Appearances are deceptive.
And I don't feel any discomfort.
It all depends on who we are talking about.
It really doesn't annoy you.
I love to be original.
Oh yes! I don't do anything, just like everyone else!
This is my charm.
My friends (my husband) love me the same way.
Nobody's perfect, right?
Everyone has their own style.
ABOUT! This is a very interesting idea!
Don't worry about me.
Advice is always useful.
The future will judge.
Wait and see.
Sometimes it gives something.
Everyone has their own experience.
He who strives for nothing receives nothing.
Yes, I didn't think about that!
I wouldn't be wrong about that.
I am calm.
Thank you!
Thanks for reading.
Thank you for giving me a choice.
Really, do I have a choice?
As usual.
It's very nice of you to take care of me.
It's nice of you to allow me to do this.
Apparently.
It does not matter.
There's nothing really serious. But there are many important things.
I use a different ethic.
This is a moral issue!
I have no doubt about it.
Of course.
I see.
OK then!
Uh-huh.
Definitely.
Really often.
Without a doubt.
I really hope.
We understood each other well.
You know this very well.
It is sad.
So much the worse!
I'm sorry for you.
This time yes.
You can't be wrong all the time.
I didn't think you noticed that.
I'm glad to hear this from you.
Naturally, there are reasons.
Are you talking about yourself?
We are talking about different things.
You think so?
I don't understand who you are talking about.
I have the impression that you are adding fuel to the fire.
We are not here to add fuel to the fire.
Why do you say such things?
Everyone develops in their own way.
Yes, but there is some development within the profession.
You can't solve everything with your mind.
What do you do with love (friendship)?
When they love, they don’t count.
Is this your problem? (Instead of: “This doesn’t concern you.”)
Did it bore you that much?
Why?
Why not?
And you?
What do you think about this?
Why are you asking me this question?
You understand, I know what I'm doing.
It gives me pleasure.
Who said that?
Where did you find out about this?
Are you telling gossip now?
What do you think?
What do you mean by that?
What else should I have done?
Why are you saying this?
Can you be more precise?

Now close your eyes and try to reproduce ten of the above expressions from memory. Then emphasize in the list of expressions that you were able to remember.

Now I suggest you highlight the most commonly used countermanipulation responses.

It is your opinion.
You can believe it.
You have the right to think so.
It's possible.
This happens to me.
Everyone has their own tastes.
Don't worry about me.
I am calm.
I have no doubt about it.
What are you trying to say?

Learn these ten expressions by heart.

The one hundred and eighteen expressions above are responses to defend against situations in which the manipulator is present, or the comments of the manipulator. There are others, they need to be formulated depending on each specific case.