The past is forgotten, the future is closed, the present is given
(c) m/f “Kung Fu Panda”
To fully live in the present, the past must be left behind.
You probably yourself understand that it is important to stop focusing on failures and old problems, regretting your mistakes, getting angry at past offenders...
In general, remove everything that pulls you back and move forward with joy...
Today we will talk about how to stop living in the past.
Looking only at the past is like walking backwards along the road: you can see nothing but your old footprints. Sometimes a goal may not be realized only because, in fact, you are going towards it simply out of an old habit, but you yourself have long outgrown it and lost interest in it.
7 practices on how not to judge yourself for your past life
1. Decide to work on how to stop living in the past.
“Cure” will not happen on its own - you must make a choice: “” and start acting. It’s good that now you don’t need to “cut the tail piece by piece”, picking and working through each injury for years.
In today's energy environment, healing occurs in a complex manner.
2. Send love and forgiveness to your past self.
Continuing to scold yourself for mistakes, “wrong choices” and actions is a sure way to live in the past all your life.
Just accept that in the past you acted as best you could, based on your “then” knowledge, capabilities, and level of awareness.
Without you, the “previous” you would not be the current you. And in difficult moments in the past you felt very scared or sad, you may have experienced confusion and uncertainty, do not feel anyone's support.
Reach out to your past self. love and sympathy. Just remember yourself in one of the difficult moments and direct there the light of your love, caring attention. Tell yourself the words you needed so much at that moment.
Some people scold themselves for having voluntarily or unwittingly caused pain to others; for having made a “wrong” decision at some point in life.
Others manage to condemn themselves even for the fact that they allowed themselves to be treated poorly in the past - they did not protect themselves from the offender, they did not leave the tyrant man in time.
3. Heal your pain and trauma
It is old, unhealed wounds that stir the soul and force us to live in the past. Some are as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
You need to heal yourself. This - basic action on the way to an easy and free life.
Alena Starovoitova developed it especially for this (video from it complements this article).
4. Thank the past for wisdom.
No matter how difficult the situation was, after going through it, you became better, wiser, stronger.
If right now you are worried about some specific traumatic situations from the past, do the technique "Pearls of Wisdom".
Think and write down a few points - what do you need? this situation taught me, this act, this person, how your life has changed, what you realized and comprehended thanks to that incident.
What you write are pearls of wisdom. Keep them for yourself, present. And the rest of the burden of that situation release with gratitude. You took the most important thing from it.
5 More Ways to Find Pearls of Wisdom from a Traumatic Event.
5. Forgive people from your past
Eternally holding anger at your offenders, you will never stop living in the past.
In fact, those people who hurt you “once upon a time” no longer exist. You have changed, they have changed. In fact, these are already different people.
Those with whom you are angry or offended for the past are no longer them, they are theirs psychological doubles in your consciousness and memory. And you can always come to an agreement with your memory and consciousness.
An important note - if grievances from the past affect relationships with people from your present (family members, friends) - you need to work here especially tactfully, without disturbing their spiritual space.
In the article you will learn how to change the polarity - move from hatred to love and forgive offenders.
6. Recognize and rewrite old scripts
The scenario is behavior “on the beaten track”, riding on old rails. It has registered itself in the subconscious and forces you to step on the same rake over and over again.
Such scenarios are important find and rewrite. There are special exercises for this. For example, at the master class, Alena invited the participants to perform a bright creative action that “replaces a picture.” One of the participants performed a ritual: she melted the ice from the refrigerator, like the ice of a relationship.
You can come up with something of your own.
Scripts are a machine that clicks somewhere inside and forces you to react and act in a pattern over and over again. Traumas from the past cannot simply be erased. But you can consciously work through them. And rewrite ineffective scenarios into more successful ones.
7. Focus on the present!
Just transfer yours attention to the present, right at this moment. How are you dressed? What do you want right now? Is your body comfortable? What is your joy now? What do you value in your current life?
You will see how a lot of energy, joy and possibilities in your present!
Increased efficiency, perseverance, attention to detail, knowledge in areas that were previously inaccessible - all this came along with the new wave. And it began at the moment when another blockage of old energy was cleared...
P.S. And one of these opportunities is to pass. Three whole hours of exciting, bright and useful work on yourself, together with like-minded people and an excellent coach!
If you are looking for a way to stop living in the past, .
While past troubles affect our lives, we move through it at a snail's pace. The more there are, the slower our movement and the more limiting factors we have. Also, along with past experience, we receive emotions into our piggy bank, which are very reluctant to submit to reason. No amount of conscious orders “not to think”, “not to remember”, “not to worry” will help. All our memories lie at the subconscious level and “turn on” at the slightest hint of repetition. Fear, resentment, anxiety, and aggression diligently continue “their work,” depriving us of the remaining energy and returning us to “that day.”
The encouraging “nothing... time heals” inspires few people, and even a change of environment does not give the desired results. The dream of a “magic pill for memories” involuntarily appears. Today you are lucky! You have found such a pill, or rather a magical technique for “pain relief” from unpleasant memories.
You will need:
- a memory that haunts you;
- the desire to let him go;
- faith;
- precise step-by-step execution.
Please note that this technique only helps if the “painful events” are in the past and haunt you exclusively from the inside, in your thoughts. As an example, take the story of a young woman who spent many years unsuccessfully struggling with her childhood memory.
Take a comfortable position, relax and let's begin...
1. Choose an unpleasant memory.
"I was 10 years old. I lived with my grandmother and mother. They fought often. That night she and her grandmother quarreled, my mother seemed to have been drinking... They shouted very loudly, and my mother began to pack her things. She didn’t look at me, she was like a stranger. I was very scared and grabbed the sleeve of her sweater. She screamed: “Mommy, please don’t leave!” She fell to the floor. She stepped over me and left. I cried all night and never saw my mother again. Grandma didn’t say anything about her until her death.”
2. Select the peak unpleasant moment from the memory.
“I hold my mother by the jacket and ask her not to leave, I try to take things away from her, I look into her eyes, I scream, cry and feel powerless and guilty. I'm really scared".
3. Mentally take a step back from the image, from the picture.
“It’s difficult for me to do this... I’m leaving this girl. It’s like I’m leaving her body...a step back. Now I see everything from the outside."
4. If your memory was like a movie, stop it at the most poignant moment.
“I got a terrible “freeze frame”. It’s very painful... I can’t see it. Here... I’m crying again...”
5. If the picture was in color, apply a black and white filter to it. Remove the colors.
“My “freeze frame” in black and white became like an old photograph. It's easier for me. Now what happened seems less vivid. It’s as if it accidentally fell out of an old album, and I hold this frame in my hands like any other photograph.”
6. If you are right-handed, move the image away from you to your left hand at approximately an angle of 45-60 degrees; if you are left-handed, then to your right.
“I feel relieved that I can control my picture of the past. I moved it to the left hand... It’s strange, I think little about what’s on the image and more about what needs to be done with it.”
7. Move the image away from you 10-15 meters so that it becomes the size of a matchbox.
“When you move ‘this night’ away from you, it becomes much easier. Before, I felt small, and the memory was heavy and huge. Now it seems to me that I am becoming stronger, and the memory turns into a matchbox.”
8. Place thick green glass on a small black and white picture. You can also defocus it and add fog.
“I put the glass on with great relief. It's interesting to see how my memory loses power. It's much easier for me. Resentment, pain, fear remain behind thick glass. It’s almost like a painkiller for me...”
9. Now surround the picture with a wide, thick frame so that the width of the frame is larger than the picture itself.
“I choose a simple and elegant frame made of natural wood. I want my memory to be framed by the “warmth”, “calmness” and “comfort” of the tree.”
10. Mentally place the picture under glass in a museum.
“I have developed a caring attitude towards my memory, it doesn’t hurt, I’m not ashamed of it, I don’t fight it. It just is! I think I feel warm from this painting and am ready to hang it in the best place.”
11. In the museum, standing in front of this picture, say: “I won’t make you angry, sad, or cause negative emotions anymore, I’m letting you go.”
“When I stood in front of my painting, I realized that this was the moment of my farewell to that girl, that night, that house... I thanked them for everything and let them go. Probably for the first time I was able to inhale and exhale so deeply. It seems like I have another lung in my chest. An amazing feeling of relief!”
12. Fence your painting, place velvet ropes and guards in front of it, turn on cheerful music. Observe how your attitude towards this memory has changed.
“I didn’t even expect that I would “look after” my memory with such love. But I was pleased to imagine the most beautiful fence and the most beautiful guards for my picture. Regarding the music... hmm. Remember, the children’s song of the baby mammoth? Of which I am absolutely sure , this is because I was freed from the pain, fear, anxiety, resentment that have haunted me since then. Now I’m not afraid to look “there”. I even remembered many good and funny moments from my childhood. I feel relieved. I no longer need to hide from the past and blame myself for it. It's hard to put into words... I'm happy! The energy is overflowing, the mood is excellent, I’m ready to move on...”
It should be noted that this technique is very careful about your previous experience. Unlike many well-known recommendations, it does not suggest that you completely destroy the negative past. Irreversibly getting rid of memories deletes past experiences and increases the risk of repeating the situation. Using this technique, we remove peak negative emotions, but leave information, i.e. your experience. In this way, you can free yourself from a variety of unpleasant memories and, at the same time, maintain the integrity of your inner world.
Hello, dear readers! Unfortunately, many of us are drawn to the past. It just so happens that previous experience influences the present and the future. Sometimes it can help build a more successful destiny, but more often than not it only complicates the path.
Today we will talk about how to get rid of memories from past relationships. You will be able to understand a lot and not make the mistakes that people so often make when entering a new life.
Where does the heaviness come from?
In general, memories are a typical phenomenon that all people encounter. The process of breaking up means that even after you've seemed to have cooled off, relapses occur from time to time. If you want to learn more about how this process happens, I can recommend the article It’s completely normal that some facts from life with your ex-lover pop up in your thoughts every now and then. You shouldn't blame yourself for this.
How do you feel about these thoughts now? How do they make you feel? Perhaps you are worried about unmet expectations. There is a possibility that you cannot understand the reasons for the breakup and that is why you think about them so often. With bitterness, disappointment and constant attempts to figure it out, to find new versions of what happened.
Try to understand that you won’t be able to learn anything new, and you won’t be able to live the situation in a new way either. I’m sure you understand this now, but you can’t help yourself. Treacherous memories of a once loved one keep creeping into your head.
Unfortunately, you won't get anything good from them. Try to approach this issue rationally. Try to understand that the past remains somewhere behind and you will not get anything new. This will be the first step towards liberation in your life.
Do not speak
In an attempt to gain a fresh perspective on past experiences, we often turn to friends and girlfriends. We are happy to retell our story and are waiting for new comments that will help shed light or simply take a different look at previous realities, figure out why the husband actually left or the girl chose someone else.
Try to prohibit yourself from such conversations. They increase relapse time and bring more negative consequences. You fail to let go of the memories; on the contrary, you begin to obsess over them. All the answers have already been found, the situation has happened.
Remember any major quarrel or conflict that happened a year ago or more. It will hardly take less than 5 minutes before you manage to do this. That event no longer touches you and does not evoke any emotions. This happens because you are not trying to reconnect with the part of the brain that stores memories of this matter.
The more often we think about a fact and try to reconstruct it in detail, the more tightly it penetrates into memory. These thoughts begin to seem necessary to the brain, and it seems to try to move them closer so that they are always at hand: like a mobile phone number or home address. In ordinary life, you are unlikely to be able to remember 9 unrelated numbers, but if this is your cell phone, the situation changes.
It's even worse when you start talking about a relationship with a previous man. These facts seem to mean nothing to you. Ridiculous stories that just happened. Know that this is not true at all. You hurt a person with your words and can ruin everything. Forbid yourself from saying out loud any facts from past history.
All new
There is no need to fight thoughts by force. You won't be able to do this anyway. If a memory comes, then the most you can do is try not to pay too much attention to it and switch in time.
Memories of a previous love are most often triggered by facts that are associated in your brain with your ex. For example, when you are going to cook fish, you pass by cilantro in the store. In general, you don’t like it, but you took it every time because your ex liked this method of cooking. Whether you like it or not, over time these connections will collapse on their own, especially if you don’t pay attention to them.
There is no need to try to avoid encountering such things. Some psychologists even advise hanging a portrait of a former lover on the refrigerator. Thus, you stop perceiving it as evil, get used to it over time, forgive and no longer experience negative emotions.
I would also advise you to add new colors to your life. Help yourself find something to do that will keep you busy and energized. This way you won't have time to reminisce. Get involved in a healthy lifestyle. Prepare yourself healthy food and exercise. Try to realize some old dream or find a part-time job.
You need to change your routine to one that corresponds to your new status; not only will it not be possible to live in the old way, but it will also bring a lot of worries and reminders of past moments.
You can actively search for a new other half. The book will help you find it where and how to find it. “Successful dating, quick marriage, long happy relationship” by Satya Das.
You won’t even notice how there will be no time left to think about the past. See you again and don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter.
“The past can be too heavy to carry around with you everywhere. Sometimes it’s worth forgetting about for the sake of the future.” Joanne Rowling
There are situations and events in life that you don’t want to remember, but as a rule, they take root in the mind and interfere with life... How to get rid of difficult memories of the past? How to forget an unpleasant situation?
1. The first thing to do is accept the situation. To realize that it happened and now there is no way to influence it. Understand that this is already the past, and the unpleasant sensations from memories are caused only by your thoughts and by changing your thoughts, you can change your state.
One of the disciples asked Buddha:
- If someone hits me, what should I do?
- If a dry branch falls on you from a tree and hits you, what will you do? - he asked in response:
- What will i do? “It’s a simple accident, a simple coincidence that I found myself under a tree when a branch fell from it,” said the student.
Then the Buddha remarked:
- So do the same. Someone was mad, angry and hit you - It's like a branch from a tree falling on your head. Don't let this bother you, go on your way as if nothing happened.
2. Get rid of guilt or stop blaming(depending on the situation). As a rule, in negative situations a person either feels guilty himself or blames someone else for what happened. Forgiving you let go of negative memories and emotions that take you back to the past and prevent you from moving on.
There are many techniques for forgiveness. Briefly about some of them:
Empty Chair Technique. It consists of imagining that the offender is sitting on a chair in front of you. First, you bring out all the negativity by remembering and expressing to him everything that has boiled over, and that it still worries you. Then you forgive him. Then thank him for the lessons and send him some love!
It is written using the same principle "Letter of Forgiveness", which does not have to be sent.
Technique "Dissolution of Resentment" by Louise Hay. Sit somewhere quiet, relax. Imagine that you are in a darkened theater and there is a small stage in front of you. Put on stage the person you need to forgive; the person you hate most in the world. This person may be alive or dead, and your hatred may be both past and present. When you see him clearly, imagine something good happening to him: something that means a lot to this person. Picture him smiling and happy. Hold this image in your mind for a few minutes. Then, when the person you want to forgive leaves the stage, put yourself there. Imagine that only good things happen to you. Imagine yourself happy and smiling. And know that there is enough goodness in the universe for all of us.
Technique for forgiving yourself.
Find a comfortable position. Close your eyes and relax. Imagine that you are in a beautiful blooming garden. There are beautiful blooming trees and flowers around you. You hear birds singing. You can breathe easily and freely. You slowly move along the path. A person is walking towards you. And the closer he gets to you, the more you begin to understand that it is you, but only in childhood, you are about 5 years old.
You come up to your little self, take your hands and say: “Hello... Thank you for being you. I forgive you for what you... I forgive you for everything.” You begin to notice how the child turns into a baby. You look at this baby, and you want to take him in your arms, hug him gently and say: “I love you. I love you very much". With tenderness and love, you place him in your heart, where he will be comfortable and calm. Now your inner child is with you. You love him and accept him as he is. You are walking along the road again. You can breathe easily and freely. Your soul is at peace. And now everything in your life will be different, because you are different. You are filled with self-love. Take a deep breath in and out and open your eyes.
3. Take advantage of this situation. We perceive any trouble as injustice, but if you think carefully, then all situations are given to us for a reason. There is a positive lesson to be learned from any situation. Let's try! Write 10 points about how this situation was useful to you.
4. Replace thoughts about the past with thoughts about the future. Take responsibility for your own thoughts. As soon as you find yourself thinking about what happened to you in the past, switch your inner voice to what you intend to accomplish in the future. Change like the slide picture. Prepare in your mind several happy pictures from the future, and as soon as that negative picture appears, quickly cover it with a new one.
And finally, I would ask you to imagine that today is the last day of your life. Would there be a place for these negative memories? So why waste your precious days on them?
It's easy to believe that past events should leave you alone just because they've passed, but letting them go is actually not easy. Experiences that have a strong impact on us, especially negative ones, can affect a person on a neurological level. They can also leave marks on our bodies and minds that can influence our behavior for years, even decades. Memories of these events can affect you on both a neurological and psychological level, and you may or may not be aware of it. Learning to live with these experiences can be difficult, but it is never impossible, no matter how powerful or impactful your experience may be. Although it will take time and effort on your part to let go of the influence of painful memories, there are several ways you can learn to let go of painful memories.
Steps
Cognitive work
- For example, you may experience extreme anxiety when near a lake due to a water-related near-death experience, or you may unknowingly avoid certain activities or places that remind you of your deceased loved one. Whatever your case, you need to understand how these painful memories affect your life in the present so that you can come to terms with them and accept their impact on your daily life.
- To figure out how they affect you, think about how you react to certain things. Think back to any significant changes you may have noticed in yourself between the traumatic events and your current behavior. If you are not sure that you will be able to notice these changes yourself, ask others if you behave differently and if they have noticed any changes in your behavior that may indicate areas of your life that are affected by the memories.
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Deal with anxiety. When you begin to feel anxious in a situation that reminds you of painful memories, work through that anxiety. Identify the memories as such and experiment with what happens, rather than removing yourself from the situation entirely. Psychologists have several different techniques for working with such issues, but two similar and effective methods are mind-sight and mindfulness. In both cases, the goal is to learn to pay attention to when anxiety arises. When it occurs, you need to focus on aspects of the situation that you can control, such as breathing, to slow the situation down to the point where you no longer feel overwhelmed.
Focus on the future. Living in the past and in your painful memories is unhealthy. You will never be able to move forward or enjoy anything new if your mind is constantly stuck in the past. This type of repetitive rumination has been linked to depression, PTSD, anxiety, and many other problems. To get rid of this repetitive thinking, engage in activities that help you focus on the present or future. Make weekend plans with friends, think about vacations you'd like to save for, think about career or life goals you've yet to achieve. Anything positive will help take your mind off the downward spiral of painful memories.
New habits
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Start keeping a journal. Journaling is one of the most effective ways to help cope with painful events from the past. Try taking notes about the past and present to learn more about how painful memories affect you. Putting these experiences into narrative form will give you some control over how you view the importance of these events in your life. It will also help you release emotions associated with these memories that may be difficult for you to access otherwise.
- One day, just sit down and start writing about every experience that comes to your mind, in as much detail as possible. This will help you perceive the effect of painful memories for two reasons. First, it will allow you to see connections between situations in your life and your emotions. Second, writing can be a cathartic experience in which you can experience a sense of creative freedom, which can help you avoid feeling burdened by previous life events.
- If this is difficult for you, start small - just write down what happens to you during the day. If you feel the urge to connect what happened to something that happened to you in the past, allow it to happen, but don't direct your writing in any particular direction.
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Develop fun habits. To help yourself cope with painful memories, try to create new, more pleasant memories and form new habits. Painful memories can eat you up inside if you spend too much time alone and ignore your own inner desire for relationships with other people. Surround yourself with people and activities that bring you joy. Humans are social creatures by nature, so to find a sense of pleasure and joy we are likely to need relationships with other people, especially those that involve touching or other forms of intimacy.
- This doesn't mean you have to hang out with everyone you know. It will likely take some effort on your part to figure out what truly brings you joy. But when you find such an activity or group of people, try to reorganize your daily life to maximize your enjoyable time.
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Shake up your routine. If you get caught up in the drabness of everyday life, it gives you too much time to think about the past. Try experimenting with your environment and social groups to shake up your routine a little from time to time. This is especially necessary if you feel a lack of pleasure in your daily life. If you notice that you are largely preoccupied with painful memories from the past, you may need to step out of your comfort zone and put yourself in an environment you have never been in before.
- If you constantly feel isolated from others and unable to meet people who will support you, perhaps it's time to experiment and connect with completely new people in situations you wouldn't normally find yourself in. This can lead to you meeting the right type of people who can support you in the way you need. It will also help you worry less about the past, leaving you with more interesting things to do and more interesting people to do in the present.
- Try taking a mixed martial arts or yoga class. You can even just go for a walk in the park. The key here is to simply put yourself in a situation you wouldn't normally find yourself in, or with people you wouldn't normally spend time with. Painful memories can become part of a psychological loop that otherwise becomes part of your daily routine and habits.
Help from outside
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Ask others for their opinions. If you feel like you need outside perspective or are having a hard time getting out of your own head, ask your loved ones if they have noticed any changes in you since the experience that left you with painful memories. This will require some courage on your part as they may tell you something you don't want to hear. However, another person, especially one who is very close to you, can often notice something that you failed to notice.
- Ask someone you trust, such as a best friend, a sibling, a parent, or a close colleague, without any preconceived notions.
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Join a support group. If you can't find people who will support you on your own, or want to talk to someone who is not close to you, try joining a support group that focuses on your problem. There are many such groups and they focus on a variety of issues, such as substance use, domestic violence, bereavement, anxiety and depression.
See a mental health professional. If you are unable to cope with your painful memories on your own, find a therapist who specializes in trauma. It is also worth seeking professional help if painful memories become too much to bear. Mental health professionals, such as psychologists or psychotherapists, are trained in a variety of necessary skills and use therapeutic techniques that are designed to help people become more productive and constructive in their daily lives, despite painful experiences they may have had in the past. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is no need to feel like a failure or embarrassed to ask for help.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is a popular method for treating past trauma. CBT is typically a short-term, problem-focused approach to anxiety and depression in which a therapist helps you adjust your beliefs and thought processes. It helps you build them so that they better suit your desires. CBT is more active than other forms of therapy, requiring effort on your part to change your behavior and thoughts. A therapist will help you work through problems, give you exercises and routines to do at home, and help you change your overall behavior.
- Look for a mental health professional who specializes in this method if you think it may be effective in your particular situation.
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Ask about eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). Your doctor may also try eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR uses your body's natural responses to past experiences, using eye movements to unlock memories and allow you to more easily cope with them. This method uses repetitive eye movements along with cognitive behavioral therapy to help bring up traumatic memories so you can cope with them instead of repressing them. This method treats mental health in the same way as physical health. If you have a traumatic memory that is eating away at your mind, it will never be able to heal, despite your brain's natural healing abilities.
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Physical signs of emotional trauma. Sometimes particularly powerful memories can leave noticeable physical marks that indicate emotional trauma. If you have certain symptoms, your painful memories may be related to some kind of emotional trauma that is affecting your physical health. Each person reacts to trauma differently, so it is important to consider your specific situation, perhaps in dialogue with a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Realize the impact. The first thing you need to understand is exactly how painful memories can affect your current life. Because particularly powerful experiences from the past can affect you at the most subtle neurological and psychological levels, you are not always aware of how they affect your behavior in the present. Because all of your current ideas and behaviors are influenced to some degree by your past actions, those actions that left painful memories often affect you more than others.