What to do if you are shy. Shyness has a negative effect on others

There are people who, in an unusual situation for themselves, begin to blush, worry, and have difficulty speaking. For such individuals, the question: how to stop being shy is the most pressing. It is extremely difficult for shy people to be in the center of everyone's attention, make new acquaintances, and communicate with unfamiliar people.

In addition, modest people have a very difficult time adapting to a new place, and the emergence of an unfamiliar situation may well cause them to panic.

Reasons for modesty

Knowing the factors that determine such a psychological feature as modesty will help you understand how to get rid of shyness.

The most common causes of modesty are the following:

Congenital character traits. from birth they are more reserved, modest, slow and timid compared to their extroverted peers. Shyness is an integral character trait for them;
Education is also of no small importance in the development of personality. If a child feels that he is not protected in the family, then he will have difficult relationships with the outside world;
Insecure, modest and reserved parents who perceive new people as a danger to themselves pass on their behavioral characteristics to their child. Children always imitate adults. That is why shy parents most often grow up with the same children;
Parents who do not trust the world often introduce a large number of all kinds of taboos and restrictions into the lives of their children. In addition, adults do not let the child go and do not give him the opportunity to independently explore the world around him. Over time, the little person gets used to the idea that it is warm and safe under the parental wing and ceases to strive for discoveries and communication with other people. Such children have difficulty adapting to new circumstances, have difficulty starting to go to kindergarten or school, have difficulty finding a common language with unfamiliar people, and develop shyness;
In addition to unhealthy family relationships, modesty can be caused by low self-esteem. In such cases, people who tend to underestimate their own merits are unable to take decisive and important actions for their own lives and cannot fully communicate. This is explained by the internal fear of doing something wrong or doing something wrong.

Some people with particularly fragile self-esteem try not to do anything new at all, since they only feel good when the work is done perfectly. Unfortunately, in the realities of life, this is almost impossible to achieve. A small mistake for them is a huge tragedy, which makes them feel completely incompetent and useless.

That is why such individuals try not to go beyond what has long been studied and understood. It is not surprising that such people prefer to communicate only in well-known circles.

Modesty itself in this case acts not as a protective factor, but as an obstacle to self-improvement.

Ways to overcome modesty

How to get rid of shyness if nature has endowed you with it in full? First you need to understand yourself, understand the causes of the problem. Only after self-analysis can one begin to take practical action to eliminate modesty.

How to get rid of modesty?

At the very beginning, it is necessary to individualize this feature.

It is necessary to understand the reasons why modesty arose, to determine the situations in which it reveals itself most fully. In addition, you need to understand what the condition is associated with. Only after self-analysis can you give a reliable answer to the question: how to stop being shy;

The next step is self-understanding.

How to get rid of modesty? Understand that the outside world has no purpose to monitor and evaluate your actions. Most people are so busy with their own problems that they don't care about your minor mistakes. You shouldn't compare yourself to others. Only accepting yourself with all your weaknesses and characteristics, understanding your feelings and desires will improve your own life, destroy the barriers that do not allow you to develop;

How to get rid of shyness

Find all your . There are no people who do not have merits. One of the main tasks in everyone’s life is to identify their talent and develop it. You should find what you do best in life and develop this ability.

Determining your strengths will help strengthen your self-esteem and give you the opportunity to go your own way. This measure in the question: how to overcome shyness is short-term. However, it is able to give faith that it is possible to destroy the barrier of fears and limitations;

Modesty itself is not born just like that

It develops from the inability to like oneself. Each person must learn to correctly evaluate himself and love his individuality. Every day you should get to know yourself, your characteristics, pay attention to your habits;

How to overcome shyness if there are a huge number of successful, bright people around?

The main rule is to stop trying to look like everyone else. Each person is individual, and this is the beauty of life. You should not strive to imitate someone.

All attempts to achieve similarity with non-standard personalities will only lead to a series of disappointments, and ultimately to a decrease in self-esteem. You should develop your individual characteristics, strive for uniqueness;

If your surroundings make you feel uneasy, you should try to focus on other people. Under no circumstances should you become isolated in your experiences;
How to overcome shyness in a difficult situation?

Often unforeseen circumstances cause a feeling of fear. In such cases, you can cope with anxiety with the help of proper breathing. The breathing exercise technique is very simple, but very effective. You need to close your eyes and take deep breaths. All attention should be focused exclusively on breathing.

Yoga experts also recommend a certain technique that allows you to cope with anxiety. To do this, you need to count while inhaling and exhaling. Gradually you should even out your breathing. For example, when inhaling, count to 4 and when exhaling to 4. After breathing becomes even, you should add a number to each inhalation. The exercise should be performed for several minutes.

Removing blocked energy is another answer to the question: how to overcome shyness. Exercising helps relieve stress. Another very effective way is meditation;
How to overcome shyness? Imagine yourself as a confident and happy person. Visualization helps to form a positive image;
Modesty itself is nothing more than a software installation. You can overcome it with affirmations. Everyone knows that every word carries power. Repeated repetition of the same attitude affects a person, helping him achieve what he wants;
How to overcome shyness? Pay as much attention as possible to situations that cause unpleasant experiences. To do this, you need to analyze your feelings, and you should answer the questions: “For what reason do such feelings arise in me? What caused these reactions in me? Are there any explanations for the events that happened?”;
Don't be too negative about rejections. Every person throughout his life repeatedly hears “no” in response to his requests or actions. There is no need to make a tragedy out of this. It is necessary to understand that the reason for refusal is not your actions or yourself, but certain circumstances;
How to stop being shy? Say no to perfectionism. It should be remembered that there are no ideal people, things, actions and events in the world;
Social skills training is the best answer to the question: how to stop being shy. Communication experience must be gained in practice. The more social connections there are, the easier it will be to find a common language with people in the future.

Modesty itself is not a negative character trait. However, excessive shyness can greatly ruin the life of even the most talented person. How to stop being shy? Everyone can answer this question. You just need to carefully understand the reasons for your fears.

Difficulties in life for modest people

Modesty is nothing more than an obstacle to achieving success in life.

Shyness can make it difficult to find a good, promising job. In some cases, people deny themselves the desired job only because doing it will require them to do a number of actions that are unpleasant for their sense of self: communicate with a large number of new people, use public transport, be around strangers, and sometimes even unpleasant individuals. .

Modesty isn't just about losing career opportunities.

Shyness leads to the fact that a person becomes timid, he avoids the crowd, he will never be seen in the spotlight. Modest people very often blush when a stranger addresses them. Sweating palms, rapid breathing, nervous squeezing of hands - all this occurs in a modest person in a new situation.

Positive aspects of modesty

Shyness is a psychological trait that helps protect an individual from unjustified risks and danger.

Often modest people are excellent conversationalists. However, they are only able to open up in small companies with people they know well.

The exact opposite of modest people are reckless, aggressive, arrogant individuals. They are quite capable of unpredictable actions, which sometimes lead to sad consequences.

Modesty itself in this context is not something unacceptable. According to evolution, the greatest results in terms of life expectancy are achieved by those individuals who behave the most prudently and do not neglect the norms of behavior. However, excessive shyness can also be a disservice to its owner.

Shyness is a quality that hides our shortcomings and talents from others. At the same time, shortcomings remain noticeable, and talents perish.

Constraint seriously slows down a person’s progress towards success, if not prevents it altogether. A dog with its tail between its legs will not win a beauty contest. And people can be even more insightful towards each other than towards dogs - if you are embarrassed to show yourself, then everyone will immediately suspect that you have something to hide...

There can be no talk of any leadership or harmony with ourselves until we stop being shy in the presence of everyone with whom we exchange words or even glances throughout the day.

Below I will list methods for overcoming embarrassment that few people know, but have proven results. As you know, there is no copying of other people's ideas, and everything you encounter here is unique in content and style.

I do not use “vitamin C in the treatment of myocardial infarction,” so you will not see here affirmations, visualizations, auto-training and other rubbish that theorists write about, who have no idea how to practically help people overcome embarrassment.

Let me warn you, to stop being shy, you will have to go through some discomfort, but the effect will be strong and lasting. I've broken my article down into 3 tips. The first two are preparatory. They are really strong and work, but without a third they are of no use. The third one is the strongest and will work even without the first two.

1. Read aloud. Always

Fact: you are afraid of communication and avoid it. It has already become a reflex (about reflexes in (15 min). Download it for free now and listen later).

Your subconscious associates your voice with embarrassment. Everything here is logical - you are shy when you speak. You have developed one main fear, the actual judgments of others () and other fears that have joined it. Reflexes are always combined into groups. Now you are even frightened by your own voice, because in your memory it always precedes embarrassment.

Go through the three stages of overcoming embarrassment through reading:

Read aloud when you're alone
When there are people around you that you know
When you're surrounded by strangers

This simple method works wonders.

I was shy as a child, but today there is no trace left of complexes and prejudices. I attribute some of the credit to the most powerful exercise for helping one stop being self-conscious: reading aloud. In addition, reading aloud develops good diction, which gives you confidence in any communication.

By the way, I still often switch to reading aloud! Habit. And since I only read in English, you can imagine the reaction of others... By the way, it doesn’t interest me at all. A long time ago.

Conclusion: to stop being shy, read aloud. You will develop good diction, get used to the sound of your own voice and significantly reduce the fear of communicating with others, which we call embarrassment.

2. Don't get enough sleep

Have you ever had a dream in which you know it is a dream? You know that after some time you will wake up, and all this reality will dissolve into a past unknown to anyone. You can do whatever you want in this dream without shame or embarrassment. I'm lucky. I have dreams like this. Now return your perverted imagination to the topic: “how to stop being shy”

If you don't get enough sleep, your life turns into a kind of virtual reality. Fears are dulled, the ability to focus is greatly affected, but shyness is also inhibited. It's like alcohol dulls the mind. Being drunk in the morning probably won't be the best way to overcome embarrassment, but not getting enough sleep is acceptable. By the way, this is one of the strongest ways to rewrite reflexes (habits). This is how North Korean intelligence recruited American soldiers. Well, we are already moving away from the topic.

Conclusion: lack of sleep dulls fears of communication and helps overcome embarrassment.

3. Talk to strangers

High level of difficulty

To stop being shy, talk to strangers. Your job here is just to start a conversation. Even if people are not interested in you, you have already completed the task. Remember the goal - to start talking! By the way, according to my observations, only 10% of people are not interested in communication. Those. if you know what a shower, soap and a clothing store are, then you can already count on a pleasant conversation with as many people as you could write messages to on Facebook or VKontakte.

Ask them what time it is, what book they're reading, where they bought those cool mittens, if they looked at the weather forecast for today, if they know any good jokes... whatever.

Medium difficulty level

Or, if you see that your future interlocutor is scared half to death and is very shy, start with simpler things that do not affect their ego. Ask them something about themselves. Ask if they like the way you styled your hair, what they think about the combination of your blouse with a dress, if you have a Rostov accent (or wherever you come from)... Talk about anything that concerns yourself! Just direct your polite request to “I”, “me”, etc.

Easy difficulty level

This method is for those who have a very severe case of shyness, or those who want to complement the high and medium level of difficulty with other techniques. If you still find it difficult to talk to strangers, take this path step by step.

Do you travel by public transport? Be sure to sit next to someone, even when there are many empty seats. Just sit down and be silent. This will prove to your fear that it is useless - no one ate you or started fighting with you...
Look passers-by in the eye (don’t do this with healthy men with scars sitting opposite you).
Have you visited the company's website? Call them and ask additional questions. Have you visited an English-language site? Call them too! Have you visited a Chinese website? ... If you somehow don’t visit a Chinese site by accident, then go to it on purpose!

Conclusion: to stop being shy, you need to prescribe patterns of confident behavior in your consciousness and subconscious, which are formed only in practice.

None of this will be stupid because your goal is to improve your communication skills. And your intermediate goal is to start a conversation without embarrassment.

Understand that everything that contributes to achieving a serious goal is not stupid, no matter how it may look from the outside. I know founders of $100 million-a-year companies who were so comfortable in their comfort zone that they worked as waiters in their friends' restaurants in the evenings to stop feeling shy around strangers.

One client of mine, with already well-developed communication skills, kept himself in shape by asking grocery store employees how they liked their uniforms, and then bargained for a bottle of wine in the same store! Do you think this is funny? And if I say that he was given a lower price for wine, will it be funny to you too? From 1500 rubles to 1200! And money is not important here at all.

Remember, this is most likely the first and last time you will see all those strangers whose judgment you are so afraid of. What are you risking?

If you want to meet a girl or guy, but are embarrassed to approach them because you are shy in front of sexually attractive specimens of the opposite sex, then start meeting scary ones. This will be a good workout.

Suvorov said: “It’s hard in training, easy in battle!” Or as a bodybuilder I know used to say: “Hard in training, easy on the coast!”

When preparing people for new careers and job interviews, I always send them to interviews for positions that aren't even suitable for them so that they build confidence and learn how to make an impression for when the stakes are really high.

Finally.

To stop being shy, you need to... stop being shy. Time after time, day after day.

P.S. I read the last line again and thought: “Either I’m very smart, or this is some kind of primitivism.” I woke up the next morning and loved it! I guess I'm just not ashamed of my thoughts...

P.P.S. Added a year after the article was written

To stop being shy once and for all, you need to learn how to speak in public. It's like running with weights on your ankles - if you can confidently talk to a room full of people, then talking to just anyone turns into a nice conversation for you.

I talk about this in the video

The question of how to stop being shy, withdrawn and insecure worries a huge number of people who want to overcome their inner fear.

Since the listed character traits rarely occur individually, but flow from each other (a shy person is usually withdrawn and unsure of himself), in order to suppress them you will have to do serious step-by-step work on yourself.

Shyness in any form prevents you from being yourself.
A person reveals himself fully only when he feels at ease.
Stefan Zweig. Impatience of the heart

Introduction

The phrase “modesty is decorative” has long been set on edge. Yes, in some situations modesty is needed, because excessive boasting or obvious narcissism does not suit a worthy person. But shyness is something else.

This quality interferes with the life of both the humble guy himself and confuses those around him - they try to help him, understand him, open him up, but this does not always work out. As a result, a shy person drops out of social life, since he is boring and has nothing to talk about. And this gives rise to new complexes and negative emotions in a closed person. And something needs to be done about this.

If you take some action, put in your efforts and back it up with a great desire, then everything will definitely work out!

Finding out the reason is the first step towards success

The ancient sages said: “Find the cause of the problem - and this is already half the solution.” A person becomes withdrawn, shy or insecure as a result of certain experiences, psychological traumas or events that happened in his life.

Based on negative experience, he does not see an alternative to a favorable development of events and does not try to change the usual pattern of behavior. All this leads to even greater problems, including seclusion, passivity, withdrawal from reality into the world of fantasies, illusions, and virtual games.

The most common reasons for shyness, withdrawal or uncertainty in the company of strangers are:

fear;
resentment;
stress;
psychological trauma.

Fear

For example, fear invariably gives rise to distrust of everything unfamiliar. Instinctively, a person withdraws into himself, believing that by doing so he will avoid problems, awkward situations, and possible ridicule.

Often, upon closer acquaintance, a person reveals a completely different side in company, but at the initial stage, fear forces him to be extremely careful in his statements and actions.

Resentment towards the world around us for failures that have occurred also becomes the cause of shyness, isolation, and uncertainty. A person isolates himself from reality, not allowing himself to share his own experiences, emotions, or positive impressions with others.

Unfortunately, over time, resentment only accumulates and if it does not find a natural outlet, then the person becomes aggressive and sometimes even dangerous to society. Therefore, before you stop being shy and insecure, you should definitely get rid of the mentioned feeling.

Stress, psychological trauma

Experienced stress or previously experienced psychological trauma forces an individual to close his inner world from outsiders. According to statistics, more than 40% of respondents experience depression and are dissatisfied with their own lives, and do not make good contact with unfamiliar people.

Usually, the invisible subsides with overcoming stress, restoration of vital energy, and the arrival of positive emotions. As for psychological injuries, everything is much more complicated here, especially when they were inflicted during the period of personality formation (that is, in childhood). Sometimes, to overcome their consequences, the help of a qualified specialist is required.

How to stop being shy: a guide to action

1. Belief in success

The most difficult thing is to take the first step towards a more liberated self. It may even seem to you that this is unrealistic, that nothing will come of this whole venture. Drive away these thoughts! This is wrong. You will definitely succeed. Believing in yourself and your success is very important, so stock up on them to the fullest.

2. You are no worse than others

The next stage is the understanding that you are no worse than other people. You are the same, and in some qualities you are superior to many. Remember all your strengths and skills. Some of them are not a sin to brag about or at least demonstrate to the world.

For example, do you write poetry? Stop hiding them! Join the literary community and show your creations to other people. Although not everyone will like your poems, you will definitely find fans of your work.

Remember: to receive compliments and approval, you need to show people what you can be praised for. If you are closed, then you simply will not be noticed. And learn to love yourself for who you are. Nobody is perfect.

3. Failure is a learning experience.

Criticism or failures in life are not always bad. Perceive your failures not as the end of the world, but as a certain experience that makes you wiser and stronger.

Remember the famous phrase “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”?

It may be hackneyed, but it is very true. This is true! Therefore, you can be a little sad, even cry, and the next day pull yourself together and move on to a better life.

4. Facing your fears

To overcome your indecisiveness, you need to work hard on yourself. You are probably embarrassed to speak in public. Start by at least making a toast. This is a challenge for many people: to find certain words, assemble them into beautiful sentences and pronounce them publicly, albeit in a small company of close people. It’s better to prepare this short speech in advance, think through all your wishes and repeat several times. You will realize that everything is not so scary. Everyone will definitely like it. Try it!

You can also contact strangers on the street more often with various questions. For example, asking how to get to such and such a street. This will also liberate you, you will be less afraid of communication.

5. Become a pleasant conversationalist

Do you think that in order to have a conversation, you need to have some kind of secret knowledge or have a special relationship with a person? This is not always the case. Many sociable people talk with others about mere trifles. It wouldn’t hurt for you to adopt this quality, even if it seems stupid at first.

Start by talking about the weather, no matter how trivial it may be. Next, you can discuss matters that connect you with your interlocutor. If this is a co-worker, you can talk about the problem of parking near the office building. If the neighbor talks about how the rent bills have increased. The main thing is to start, and the conversation can develop on its own, especially if your interlocutor is more sociable than you. Practice! And you will get involved.

6. Give compliments

People love to hear pleasant words addressed to them, even if said in passing. And especially women! Give them compliments. You don't have to be full of praise. Suffice it to say that today the young lady has a good hairstyle or a beautiful dress. You will see how she will immediately become more disposed towards you.

7. The right attitude

Train yourself to be positive every day. A positive state of mind, even from scratch, will help you overcome life's obstacles. Healthy optimism never hurt anyone!

Additional ways to get rid of shyness

Before you stop being shy in companies or when meeting new people, you need to understand that solving this problem depends entirely on the person himself. It will take some time to become more open, relaxed, and sociable. For some, a few weeks are enough to achieve success, while for others it will take several years before all manifestations of the described negative qualities are completely eradicated.

Now there are several effective ways to stop being shy and withdrawn, unsure of yourself.
This list includes:

personal training;
development of communication skills;
performing special exercises (“go ahead”).

The method of personal training has now gained enormous popularity, as it allows you to convince a person that he is no worse or better than other people he doesn’t know well.

Typically, specific guidelines are communicated in the form of a “teacher-student” approach, when an experienced mentor (psychologist) convinces withdrawn and insecure people that no one in the company is trying to ridicule, offend, or humiliate them.

Many of them also experience a certain amount of excitement, but in no way show their own negative feelings. Regular classes with a specialist who knows how to persuade help achieve results, and a person overcomes his fear of communication.

Sometimes it is recommended to develop communication skills by doing certain exercises. One of the most useful options for how to stop being shy in company is to simulate the situation in front of a mirror. It wouldn’t hurt to prepare a few universal jokes that will help defuse a tense situation or give you confidence in your abilities. The more a person “rehearses” alone with himself, the more confident and at ease he will feel in a real situation.

An innovative technique was to perform tasks that require considerable courage from an indecisive, shy person. For example, he should come up and talk to complete strangers on the street, ask for the phone number of an attractive girl (guy), or talk about some event in a public place. After 2-3 such exercises, progress is noticeable, as a person overcomes fear, becomes more open to the world around him, and gains self-confidence.

Several important nuances of achieving success

Psychologists highlight several key aspects of how to stop being shy in company and at the same time win the favor of strangers.

The list of such conditions invariably includes:

acceptance of constraint (excitement, isolation) as a given fact;
positive thinking, smile, neat appearance;
lack of comparison of oneself with other people;
training in slow, intelligible speech.

It is necessary to clearly understand that it is quite normal to feel shy, nervous or withdrawn in certain situations. Don't try to hide your emotions, because it always looks unnatural and repulsive. At the same time, the initial impression of a person is influenced by his appearance, facial expression, and voice intonation, so try to always look brand new, exude positivity, and don’t forget to smile.

There is no need to constantly draw parallels with more successful people in the company, otherwise this can lead to negativity, detachment, and the desire to quickly go to a quiet, secluded place. A huge problem for many people is slurred, rapid speech, which not all participants in the conversation can understand. Learn to express your own thoughts clearly, clearly, slowly, which will allow you to attract the attention of others, avoiding caustic ridicule.

Bottom line

Shyness can be overcome - add some effort to your desire and soon you will see a positive result! Be active, decisive and open to people.

You can overcome shyness, self-consciousness, and lack of self-confidence only through painstaking work on yourself, positive thinking, and getting rid of fears or complexes. Fight your weaknesses, prejudices, negativity - and you will definitely become a successful, attractive person!

Hi all. This post is dedicated to how to stop being shy and timid in a variety of situations. In this article, I will explain why you should not be shy and give a number of practical recommendations on how to get rid of this personality trait.

Almost from early childhood, until recently, I was very shy and because of this I experienced many difficulties in interacting with other people and it was difficult for me to achieve many goals.

At the moment, I have achieved good results in the fight against my deficiency and am happy to reap the benefits of getting rid of it.

Why you need to get rid of shyness

The fact is that shyness is a very unpleasant and, moreover, completely unnecessary quality, which should definitely be gotten rid of. It is unnecessary because, absolutely, it doesn’t give us anything, but only takes away. Let’s take, for example, some other human quality, let it be fear of something, fear. On the one hand, because of fear, we risk losing many opportunities, since we will never decide on anything important because of our eternal fear. On the other hand, fear protects us from unnecessary risks: we are afraid of dangerous situations and therefore avoid them, unless we consider the risk justified. Fear has both a negative function and a positive, protective one, I wrote about this in the article.

The same cannot be said about shyness. If we follow this feeling, then we are simply deliberately depriving ourselves of many valuable prospects. We are afraid to approach the person we like and get to know each other. We do not start an unpleasant but important conversation with our friend and, thereby, delay the solution to the problem and aggravate the situation. We are afraid to approach our bosses and demand a reasonable salary increase.

In general, we are simply giving up something: pleasant acquaintances, promising opportunities, achieving our goals and realizing our desires! And for what? For the sake of some feeling that sits inside us. What do we get in return? Absolutely nothing.

Shyness does not protect us from anything bad, it does not help us in any way. It only limits our capabilities and cultivates other harmful personal characteristics: self-doubt, weakness of character, susceptibility to the influence of others. Timid people are easy to manipulate because they are afraid to firmly defend their positions, defend their own opinions and, in the face of a stronger person, become timid, allowing the latter to impose its will on them.

Shyness has a negative effect on others

Your shyness causes both instinctive and conscious rejection in others. Moreover, it may seem to you that you are very sensitive, polite and tactful, you never allow yourself anything unnecessary and do not bother other people over trifles and, thereby, produce the most positive effect on them.

Although, in fact, it turns out that you create exactly the opposite impression. Excessive timidity and shyness are a demonstration of some kind of weakness and, as a result, do not bribe other people. At best, you will simply form a not the best opinion about yourself. At worst, someone will take advantage of your shyness or simply treat you in a less polite manner, since you have already shown that you can tolerate such treatment.

Ingratiating politeness, careful tact, excessive gentleness in communication, ignoring uncomfortable but necessary topics in conversation do not speak of you as an independent person.
For example, girls and women give their preference to those representatives of the opposite sex who show the greatest persistence and even a little arrogance in dealing with them.

Therefore, blushing in front of a girl is not only wrong, from the point of view that embarrassment does not allow you to control yourself, and you can blurt out something unnecessary, but also strategically unacceptable from the perspective of achieving the desired result!

And this is true not only for dating members of the opposite sex, but also for communicating with all people! You should not elevate your shortcomings to advantages. Shyness is a bad quality, it hinders you and creates many problems on your way. How to get rid of it will be discussed further.

Getting rid of shyness

What is shyness? This is an unpleasant feeling that arises in you during what you consider awkward situations. And, in order not to experience this feeling, you may want to avoid those situations that cause it. For example, you always put off an important conversation with a relative, you can’t decide to approach the girl you like, you’re afraid to ask some uncomfortable questions, the answers to which you’d still like to hear.

And all this happens because you do not want to experience the emotional discomfort that, inside your mind, is strongly associated with such moments. That is, shyness is an internal phenomenon, not an external one. Although not everyone fully understands this and unconsciously connects their reluctance to create uncomfortable situations with some external circumstances: what others will think about them, how acceptable this is in society, how they will look, etc.

Thinking like this is a big mistake, and it is because of it that you may experience great difficulties. I'll explain now. First of all, in order to stop being shy, you need to strive not to completely get rid of such a feeling as timidity, but to learn to tolerate it and act in spite of it.

Shyness is just a feeling

And for this to work, you need to learn to recognize shyness solely as a phenomenon of the emotional world, your body’s reaction to an external situation, an ordinary feeling of mental discomfort that will pass just as it began.

Before you get an injection against any infection, you understand that it needs to be done. You do not run or hide from the doctor just because you have to be patient a little, since it concerns your health. In short, the expectation of unpleasant sensations does not force you not to do what you absolutely need to do. Then why can shyness make you timid and cower in the face of an uncomfortable situation? After all, the feelings of awkwardness and shame that are so familiar to you are just some kind of sensation of discomfort, the same light and quick pain, only mental, which you must learn to endure if you want to achieve your goal.

It can be difficult for you to deal with shyness, because you think about it not as a feeling that you will experience in an unpleasant situation, but as a chain of some external phenomena: what if I seem funny, what I will look like, but is it really so? possible, etc.

These external events turn into obstacles for you to achieve your goals. And in order to mentally remove these obstacles, it is necessary to mentally reduce all the awkwardness of the situation to a banal emotional reaction to some event!

How to stop being shy about girls or guys

As an example, I will take a situation in which a lot of people might feel awkward. Do you want to meet a girl or guy, but are embarrassed to come up and talk. If you start to doubt, “what if she/he doesn’t like me”, “what if I look stupid”, “what if...”, “what if...”, then you will never approach and miss your chance.

The right attitude should be: “I will approach her/him because I want it, and no matter how insignificant the chances of success may be, the attempt is still not torture, and I have absolutely nothing to lose, I just might experience a feeling of awkwardness in this situation, which is nothing more than an unpleasant emotion, but for the sake of the likelihood of achieving the result I need, I am ready to tolerate this feeling a little.”

Add to this: “I shouldn’t be shy, it scares people away and reduces my chances of success.”

If your mind continues to doubt, continue to reduce everything only to your sensations, and not to the properties of the external world:

“I will look stupid in someone’s eyes...” replace with “I will have the feeling that I look stupid, which is just an unpleasant feeling that will pass just as it appeared.”

“They will laugh at me” replace with “Even if suddenly someone finds something funny in my attempts to get acquainted (why at all?), so what, I will be unpleasant because of this, but it’s worth tolerating this slight mental discomfort for the sake of what I want to achieve.”

Shyness is deception

Do you know what important metamorphosis took place here? You have reduced all the variety of supposedly unsolvable problems that your mind draws to you (the likelihood of looking stupid, unfavorable views of others, the imaginary groundlessness of your claims to someone’s attention, etc.) to one problem that can be solved simply by ignoring it!

This makes it much easier to decide on something! Moreover, I did not propose here some clever method that is designed to trick your brain and force you to do something that you do not want to do. It is obvious that timidity, shyness, in its essence, is nothing more than a fear of unpleasant emotional sensations, disguised by the mind as a fear of something external, objective.

Rather, you are deceiving yourself when you build some inflated barriers on the basis of this feeling, not wanting to see it as simply reckless fear. In short, you do not act wisely and correctly when you follow the lead of your timidity (after all, you are in absolutely no danger in these awkward situations!) and, in order to calm yourself down and lull the vigilance of your mind, you instinctively come up with a bunch of excuses for your indecisiveness. This is deception!

And to get rid of it, you must perceive shyness for what it really is - an unpleasant emotional reaction to external circumstances and that's it! Always think of it this way. I must say that in this way you can learn to manage many negative feelings, and not just shyness. And I already wrote about this in my article, here I dwelled on this again, in more detail.

Before you get rid of a feeling, you need to learn to tolerate it. And when you are able to tolerate some emotion, act contrary to it, not pay attention to it, this emotion will manifest itself weaker and weaker with each new situation in which it arises, since you will not give way to this feeling.

If you have always been shy before, and now you decide to use the recommendation I gave above, then, at first, in awkward situations you may feel difficulty and great internal resistance.

But if you, when everything is turning upside down inside you, still act despite your shyness and get acquainted, start a conversation, then two very pleasant feelings are born in you. The first is relief, the second is the consciousness of power over yourself, the understanding that you were able and did what you wanted to do in spite of everything! It was as if they had accomplished a feat.

And all this happens at one moment: you just have to start, and then everything goes like clockwork. You just need to cross that control line at the beginning of an awkward conversation, a moment of pain and relief! Really a “prick”! And then you realize that this unpleasant moment was just a moment, and everything turned out to be not as terrible as you imagined at the beginning and was really worth all the effort!

If you were able to endure this short-term “pain”, “prick”, then next time it will be much easier, because tolerating any pain increases the pain threshold. And with each repetition of this situation, it will be easier for you not to follow this feeling, until you stop feeling anything unpleasant at all.

Those awkward events that could have previously caused a storm of unpleasant emotions in you will, over time, be perceived by you calmly, and you will not even need to make an effort to somehow properly set yourself up and prepare yourself.

If you stop obeying your shyness, then later you will not have any problems having a serious conversation with a loved one or asking something from a stranger, just as now I don’t have such problems.

So learn from mistakes and don't give up.

Get rid of unnecessary thoughts, tune in to your goal

Often, in situations where we just need to take it and do it, our thoughts are our enemies. Therefore, if you feel shy before any important conversation, focus on your goal and get rid of everything unnecessary from your head. Together with the previous recommendation, this helps a lot in awkward situations.

For example, you want to ask your boss for a salary increase. Thousands of vile thoughts can creep into your head, all the notorious “what if...”. But we already know that all these “what if...” are irrational creations of the emotional world that pretend to be something reasonable and fundamental, these are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” that live inside your psyche.

With this consciousness, of course, it is easier, but all sorts of unnecessary thoughts can continue to overcome you. Get them out of your head and think about your goal. “I need to get a salary increase, I’m sure there are chances, I don’t care about the rest.” And without thinking about anything other than this, boldly enter the boss’s office. Just clear your brain. This helps a lot.

Avoid excessive politeness and introductory phrases, be confident in yourself

In conversations there is no need to be more polite than the situation requires. Avoid any phrases overloaded with unnecessary politeness phrases, like “excuse me, please, but could you, if it wouldn’t be particularly difficult for you to answer the question.”

You should not think that people are doing you some great favor by answering your question or satisfying your request. Often they are just doing their job (“Could you please, be so kind, do your job” – you must admit, it sounds funny), and often it simply costs them nothing. Be polite, but in moderation; excessive tact does not indicate good upbringing, but a lack of self-confidence, which can only push people away.

You seem to be telling everyone “I’m meek and don’t know how to fight back and demand what I really deserve.” Rest assured, some people will definitely take advantage of this.

The same applies to introductory phrases: “But I have one question here, I don’t even know how to start, it’s just that the matter is so inconvenient, the situation is that...”.

There is no need to overdo it with introductory phrases. Always get to the point quickly, but not too abruptly. To do this, prepare in advance for an important conversation so that you know what to say and not mumble.

Be confident in yourself or, at least, portray this confidence, do not give others a reason to think that you doubt yourself. In all uncomfortable situations, act in the opposite way of the behavior that sets shyness: meek and uncertain. This does not mean that you need to be impudent and rude.

Final comments

If, suddenly, everything didn’t go as you expected. Maybe during some meeting you were not as confident in yourself as you wanted, you said something wrong and now you are ashamed. Don’t bother yourself with this, just tell yourself that you will continue to work on yourself and learn not to be led by the emotions that arise in you in all sorts of difficult situations.

There is no need to be ashamed and lamented, remember, shame is just an unpleasant emotion that needs to be endured, and this is an internal phenomenon, not an external one, and, therefore, it must be perceived accordingly.
So everything that I said earlier is also true here: get all the unpleasant moments of communication out of your head, don’t think about them. What happened, happened.

When you learn to act against your shyness, you take a decisive step toward understanding the nature of your emotions and managing them. Your character and personality will also develop, since you will have to overcome yourself, not paying attention to what is happening inside.

I want to say that the way to get rid of shyness and timidity is an effective exercise for self-development that will help you get rid of not only the above-mentioned shortcomings, but will also allow you to strengthen and develop many useful life skills! By starting with something seemingly small, you will achieve a lot.

Once you start working on yourself and make the first successes in this matter, new horizons of self-improvement immediately open up for you, which you had never even imagined before. I hope that, with or without my help, this truth will be revealed to many of my readers, if it has not already been revealed.

Read my blog and good luck!

Shyness in front of people and fear of communication is a common problem. Most often, introverted people and teenagers encounter it. It is for them that it is extremely important what impression they make on others and whether others like them.

What is shyness? In psychology, this is a person’s state and the behavior caused by it, the main features of which are uncertainty, indecision, awkwardness, constraint in movements and manifestations of one’s own personality.

Different psychological schools explain the root causes of shyness in their own way and, accordingly, offer different solutions to the problem. Each person decides for himself which of them are closer to his personality, character and life experience.

Differential psychology. According to this theory, shyness is an innate quality and is inherited. Confidence cannot be learned. A rather pessimistic view of the problem, because... an innate personality trait cannot be changed.
Behaviorism. According to the theory of behaviorism, any human behavior is a reaction to incoming stimuli, which, under certain circumstances and the strength of emotional involvement, becomes part of the personality. So it is with shyness - people were unable to master the feeling of fear in response to the stimuli of the social environment, which ultimately led to pathological uncertainty in communicating with people.
Psychoanalysis. Psychoanalysts explain shyness by the presence of an unconscious conflict in the personality structure. In their opinion, this is a reaction of the unconscious to unsatisfied instinctual needs and a conflict between moral standards, reality and instincts.
Individual psychology. Followers of this trend actively studied shyness and the closely related “inferiority complex” that appears in childhood, when a child begins to compare himself with his peers, often encounters his own imperfections and begins to be embarrassed about his appearance, his abilities, his family, etc. If a child does not have enough self-confidence, he becomes fearful, withdrawn, and passive. However, it is in this direction of psychology that special attention is paid to the possibilities of personal self-development, i.e. Shyness is not a predetermined problem, which means that it is possible to get rid of it by working on yourself.
The theory of "high reactivity". According to her, the tendency to be shy is the body’s reaction to overload. In this case, the consequences of this reaction can be of two options:

the child tends to “avoid”, does not like to communicate and get to know each other, becomes insecure and fearful in public;
the child enters into a fight and is overly self-confident.

Shyness can be based on two reasons: natural and social. Natural means character, temperament, type of nervous system. Social influences include the influence of upbringing, the environment, and communication within the family.

Why is shyness dangerous?

Shyness and fear of people have common roots.

the second is more related to personality pathologies and manifests itself in the experience of a feeling of fear in the presence of strangers and in the process of communication;
the first is considered a common phenomenon and does not cause concern among parents if their child is inclined to be shy in company and avoid strangers, and is afraid to meet others. An adult considers this quality a character trait and a specific temperament that one does not need to do anything about, but just has to come to terms with.

Pathological fear of people is dealt with with medication or through sessions with a psychologist, but shyness is most often ignored. However, this is not entirely true.

In the context of life, shyness and inability to communicate can sometimes bring a person many problems and missed opportunities if you do not start working with it.

Shyness in most cases leads to:

narrowing your circle of contacts. It is difficult for a shy person to make acquaintances and communicate freely. Typically, such people limit themselves to interaction within the family circle. At the same time, most often they suffer because of this - because they actually need diverse communication;
Shyness affects the objectivity of the perception of the situation. When a problem or stressful situation arises, a shy person often becomes illogical and forgetful;
a shy person can rarely speak openly and defend his opinion;
shyness is the cause of depression and reduced emotional background; shy people tend to feel dissatisfaction;
The poor emotional and social life of a person who tends to be shy leads to physical weakness and fatigue, muscle tension, and stooping.

Based on the consequences of shyness listed above, it becomes obvious that it needs to be dealt with.

Shyness not only leads to negative experiences of fear and uncertainty, but also reduces social adaptation and significantly affects the mental and physical level of personal development.

What to do?

Psychologists have developed exercises that, when completed, will help a person understand how to stop being afraid of people, reduce the overall level of anxiety and the tendency to be shy in relationships with people, and overcome their shyness.

In any communication situation, when you begin to be afraid of others, remember that shyness is an ordinary feeling that has no objective reasons. It arises on the basis of a chain of thoughts that follows the feeling - I will be funny, I will look ugly, I will not be able to speak decently, I am afraid to answer, etc. And all this happens in your mind, although in reality everything may look exactly the opposite. Always keep this in mind when you start to feel shy or afraid of people.
Act despite the feeling of shyness that appears. Try to meet new people more and talk openly about your feelings.

Each time you act to overcome your fears, you add a new positive experience to the “piggy bank” of your consciousness, on which your courage and confidence in relationships with people will subsequently be built.

Learn to talk and respond, thinking only about your purpose of communication, discarding all other thoughts. Forget all the “what if.” Keep in mind only your goal and options for achieving it.
When communicating with people, avoid excessive politeness and a large number of introductory phrases. Construct your conversation clearly and do not mumble. Learn to speak a little, but to the point.
In moments of particular anxiety and fear, use breathing techniques. In yoga, they are actively used and help manage your condition and minimize embarrassment.

How to “remove” shyness from your life

In addition to certain exercises that reduce situational shyness, allow you to manage your condition and not be shy in communication, psychologists have outlined rules for relating to life, yourself and other people. By building your lifestyle according to them, the question of how to stop being afraid of people will be closed:

Understand (on your own or with the help of a psychologist) the reasons for your shyness. Where did it come from? Why should you be shy and afraid and what benefits do you have from this? Write down the realizations you gain and refer back to them periodically.
Live with the understanding that people are primarily concerned with themselves, and there are no spotlights on you.
Know your strengths and weaknesses. Don’t forget that there are no ideal people, they are not divided into “good” and “bad” and you are not alone with your problem.
Always find reasons to praise and thank yourself. This needs to be done regularly.
Strive to communicate more, get acquainted with new opinions, take an interest and study others, less “digging” into your own experiences. The tendency to reflect is an important quality, but only in moderation. Excessive self-analysis drives you in circles, moving you away from reality and interaction with others. Strive to do, not dream.
Exercise regularly. Movement is the basis of life. Sport allows you to release accumulated negative energy of fear and anxiety.
Always be prepared that you may be refused or not appreciated. Figure out why this scares you and what is the worst thing that could happen? You should learn to accept the word “no”, don’t try to please everyone.
Give yourself the right to make mistakes. Perfectionism will be a bad thing for you. Remember, it is impossible to learn something without mistakes.

Only those who do nothing make no mistakes.

Don't miss out on the opportunity to practice your social skills and communicate more. Learn from those who you think have overcome their shyness. Go to trainings on communication skills or public speaking from time to time, where you can learn not to be shy and speak openly about your feelings and desires.
Find comfortable communities for yourself. You shouldn’t do like everyone else - if the majority of people around you like to have fun in clubs and socialize at parties - this does not mean that you should do the same.
Always be careful what you say and how you say it. Notice people's reactions. Forget and distract yourself from your fear. In moments of anxiety, repeat: “I’m not afraid of people, they won’t do anything bad to me, I don’t have to please everyone.”

Final comments

Shyness reduces our life potential and deprives us of many opportunities. This personality quality has long been recognized as a problem in psychology and is being actively researched. The ability to communicate is the key to success in social life.

Based on most psychological theories, shyness is not a congenital defect or a disease.

You can deal with it on your own if you regularly work on yourself. By doing certain exercises when you need to communicate with other people, it is possible to cope with shyness here and now, and by making the above rules the basis of your life, you can enjoy communication and forget about the problem of shyness.