Question to a psychologist
Hello, I don’t know what to do anymore.
My mom drinks. I’m 17 years old, she’s 39. She’s still young and pretty, and she’s ruining herself.
Moreover, mother does not go on binges, for a week or two at a time. She just buys herself a beer and quietly drinks it alone, while no one sees. Yes, I had thoughts that she was doing this because the man she loved betrayed her, or because her mother died and she felt lonely. But the question arises: what was the argument to justify this before everything happened? She also drinks alcohol and gets drunk, I’m scared for her and I don’t know how to stop her. What is the best thing to say to her to make her think for a minute? After all, I want my grandchildren to have a healthy and sensible woman. She cannot be called a drunk, with a swollen face, who only needs to get drunk and go to bed. She is an ordinary young woman. At the moment, my mother doesn’t work, but even after work she used to buy herself a 0.5 bottle of beer! And I drank one and a half, or even two liters and went to bed, got up the next morning and went to work. There is my dad (they separated about 10 years ago, but they communicate like brother and sister and do not leave each other in trouble, and are not officially divorced, (this is a joy and you need to appreciate this, which mom doesn’t do! Not everyone is so good relationships remain with ex-husbands!) and his sister, who do not leave her in trouble and always help, and when there is no money, or just everyday problems, she is never alone, and I always take care of her like a mother! I am more obliging, than she is, and sometimes I have thoughts that she is my daughter. Even she sometimes says this, and immediately says how lucky I am that I have you, that God has rewarded me with you! Without you, I would be lost. But I don’t see her behavior is something in which I would find confirmation of her words, she acts as if she doesn’t need anything! Sometimes I wonder if it weren’t for my dad (in terms of having someone to rely on and to whom come in a difficult moment, and I’m under control), or I was like some of my peers, lax and walked everywhere, drank and smoked, perhaps then she would have come to her senses and taken control of her life and me. Recently I even wanted to leave home and tell my mother that I was tired of this kind of life, that she drinks and thinks only about herself! I have already agreed with a friend that I will spend the night with her and turn off the phone, just so that my mother will stop behaving like this and not draw attention to herself, like children do at my age, no! And to bring her to consciousness that it’s time to stop drinking and walking, and start living normally! but I couldn’t, because I don’t want dad to worry, he’s not to blame for anything, and if they worry to such an extent that the heart won’t stand it! Maybe I should take her to a psychologist? I already feel resentment when she’s around, I don’t need girlfriends, she and I are best friends, please note. I tell her every little detail about my boys, and she tells me about her life. Not one of my friends has such a close relationship with their mother. And when my mother goes out for a walk, drinking, I feel lonely and not needed by anyone, I can’t sleep, without her, I’m like a chick that fell out of the nest, at such moments. But she doesn’t understand this, she says that I’m already an adult, which makes me even more offended! All my childhood she was next to me, and now she is so torn away from me. I'm desperate. Help me please.
Answers from psychologists
Dear Maria!
It is bitter to read your letter for two reasons: 1. It is impossible to help even a very close person if he himself does not want it, 2. It follows from your letter that thanks to your mother’s drinking, you have developed so-called codependent behavior, when roles in the family are confused when you play the role of a mother, when you are overly responsible for her. Why does this upset me? Because you run the risk of building family relationships in the future by choosing the wrong partner (alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, etc.). I have extensive experience working with addicted people and members of their families, so I know for sure that both she and you need help. For your mother, help will be either a rehabilitation program for alcoholics or self-help groups Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), for you - self-help groups for relatives of alcoholics (AL-ANON), which work successfully in your city. You can type these groups into a search engine and find out where and when group meetings are held and start attending them. If mom doesn't want to do this, attend AL-Anon group meetings on your own, it will be of great benefit to you, believe me. As for your intention to scare your mother with your behavior, you shouldn’t count on it. Remember, addiction is a disease, not a weak will, because it wouldn’t occur to a patient with asthma when he’s coughing to say: “Stop coughing immediately!” He simply won’t be able to do it. It’s the same with my mother, she is not able to cope with her addiction to alcohol on her own. A more effective line of behavior is to communicate your own feelings, for example: “I feel lonely and unwanted when you leave and don’t show up until late at night. Please, Mom, start solving your drinking problem.” Every time it is important to express your feelings and ask for what you want. If you are interested in this topic, read my 3 articles on this topic.
Sincerely, psychologist on problems of addictions and codependency Liliya Volzhenina, Novosibirsk
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0Hello Maria!
Pity won't help. Your mom has an addiction. If you want a healthy grandmother for your grandchildren, take more care of yourself, decide to study in another city, look for yourself.
If you want to help, stop feeling sorry and being a crutch for an addicted person. Better find a rehabilitation center.
Getting rid of alcoholism on your own is almost impossible. Any alcoholic says that he can stop drinking at any time. However, this does not happen. And if it happens, it doesn’t last very long.
In order to truly stop drinking, you need support, self-discipline and will.
Nurture these very qualities in yourself and in your mother.
I sincerely wish you good health and not repeat your mother’s mistakes.
Khudyakova Maria Sergeevna. Psychologist, psychoanalyst. Ekaterinburg
Good answer 5 Bad answer 0Hello, dear readers! Today I would like to raise the topic of relationships between parents and children. The most common question at a psychological appointment is what to do if my mother does not understand me. Conflicts, quarrels, differences of opinions can lead to a breakdown in relationships. But a mother is the closest person in the world. What could be the reasons, how to avoid conflicts, how to build harmony in relationships with parents?
Generation difference
Mutual misunderstanding between generations has existed for as long as people have lived on the planet. Every older generation believes that young people do not know how to think at all, are engaged in some kind of nonsense, do not understand life and are wasting their time. Unfortunately, there is no escape from this.
When I was fourteen years old, I thought that I would never say anything bad about young people. I've always considered myself very understanding. It remains that way. But this doesn’t reduce the number of questions for today’s children. And, being a mother, I understand that the gap between generations is not a myth.
Remember that your mother was brought up at a different time, there were others, the educational process was somewhat different than now. And she does as best she can. She has her own principles and boundaries, beyond which she will most likely never go. If you constantly remind yourself of this, conversation will become easier.
Just tell yourself: mom doesn’t understand this, she grew up in a different time, she has her own history behind her.
If you try to understand the issue of generational differences, it will become much easier for you. Take it more calmly. with parents, trying to gain understanding from them. This method will lead to nothing but a bigger quarrel.
You have to look for the positives in everything. Find what in your mother's system fascinates, attracts and interests you. After all, your mother probably knows something that can be very useful to you in life. She has a lot of experience, she has already gone through so much. Take her experience for yourself and use it. Take advantage of the fact that she is from a different generation.
It's not easy being a teenager
In adolescence, misunderstandings with mothers often reach their peak. Problems arise due to clothing, hobbies, free time and much more. Parents dictate how to dress, what to read and where to go to college. This causes tension in relationships. Screams, scandals, punishments. You constantly quarrel with your mother. How to avoid this and protect yourself?
Try to hear what your mother is telling you. Nobody forbids you to have your own opinion. Remember that your parents have a lot of experience and can tell you the right things that you just don't understand right now. Don't be offended or quarrel with your mother. Enter into a dialogue with her, ask why she thinks so.
There are different parenting policies: the mother acts as a friend; Mom is always right and cannot be wrong; parents provide the right to vote, but also impose responsibility; and others.
In a situation where the mother does not accept the opinions of others, it will be incredibly difficult to come to an agreement with her. You will most likely have to do what you love in your free time. If you want to draw, but your mother is categorically against it, don’t give up your hobby, practice and study, become a professional. Ultimately, when you show your mom the result, she may reconsider her view of your hobby.
It is very difficult with parents who do not give their child the right to vote. The mother of one of my friends still scolds her. There is work - you devote little time to your family. If you don’t have a job, you haven’t achieved anything by the age of thirty. There are relationships - why do you constantly choose such terrible men. No partner - you are an old maid and will remain so forever.
When I ask a friend how she struggles with her mother’s attitude, she says: I just agree with her, there is no point in arguing and proving something, she won’t hear, I can’t change her, but I can take it easier myself.
It doesn't get easier over the years
You have already grown out of adolescence, graduated from college, found a job, and perhaps you have a partner. You are an independent adult. But mother still does not understand you, criticizes you for any decision and...
You can try to explain to your mother what she doesn't understand. But be prepared for counter-arguments, questions, examples of her friends and much more. Prepare for this conversation in advance. Make a list of possible complaints from your mother, predict her questions. Try to lead. Ask counter questions, find out her opinion.
Perhaps your mother doesn't understand your passion for fishing because she had a water-related accident as a child. There are many reasons why your mother may not understand your actions. Sometimes, parents think that they are right and that’s it.
But it happens that behind conflicts there is something more than simple confidence in one’s rightness.
Try to understand why your parents are critical of your actions. If they have had similar experiences in the past, then I advise you to listen and take note. Information is never superfluous in this case. Listen to your parents and collect moments from their lives that are useful to you.
In addition, parental misunderstanding may be due to overprotection and overprotection. Mom wants to protect you from disaster and scolds you in every possible way so that you stop doing something. Or she sees that yours is who you need. Or maybe a friend of hers has already encountered this and she sees history repeating itself with your work. You can directly ask your mother a question: are you fighting because you are trying to protect me?
Another option for misunderstanding on the part of your mother is her desire to fulfill her dream at your expense. As a child, she may have wanted to become a lawyer, but her parents were against it. And she decided to make a lawyer out of you. And you, against her wishes, became an engineer. So she doesn’t understand how this happened and why you don’t see all the benefits in working as a lawyer.
When a mother becomes a grandmother
You already have your own children, but you have not been able to build a relationship with your mother. She still doesn't understand you and you can't achieve balance in your relationship. Try to put yourself in your children's shoes. Do you have an understanding with them?
Parents may think that you are raising your children incorrectly. And because of this, conflicts arise. Try to explain that you are building relationships with the kids in your own way. If parents have complaints, let them explain and tell you what they think you are doing wrong.
You, in turn, listen, think and say thank you for the advice. Nobody obliges you to follow your mother’s parenting advice. But remember that she has been a mother much longer and may know something that will be useful.
You can give your mother the go-ahead to raise your child as a grandmother. And she has every right to do so. And you try to gain wisdom and experience, adopt interesting techniques.
Other people's parents
It often happens that our friends' parents understand us much better than our own. And vice versa. Our mother treats her friends and girlfriends with understanding, but she treats us very categorically. What is the reason for this turn of events?
Put yourself in her shoes. Of course, she doesn't care much about your friends. That is why she is ready to treat their choice with great understanding. She is not responsible for your friend's fate. She doesn't feel responsible for other people's children. Therefore, he can afford to take a simpler approach to their behavior, relationships, choice of work, and so on.
Think about how you feel about other people's parents? After all, you probably judge and criticize them less. But you don’t always understand your mother. The closer a person is to us and the more we love him, the more moments there are for argument.
By and large, we all want our loved ones to be happy. And we try to help as best we can in the ways we can. Sometimes the methods are very harsh, but they mean caring.
Understanding and support
It is very important not to confuse the concepts of “understanding” and “support”. Many parents may not understand their children, but they provide the strongest support. In such a situation, “understanding” itself ceases to play an important role. Yes, your mother doesn’t understand why you dropped out of college, but she supports you, helps you find a job, pays for courses, and gives some advice.
Support is very important in . Without support it is very difficult to move forward. When a child knows that his parents will always be there, will always accept and help, then life is much easier for him.
Consider whether your mother is supportive. If yes, then the question of understanding comes into the background. If you do not feel supported, then you should talk to your parents about this topic. Explain how you feel, what you lack, how you would like to feel their attention and care.
In addition, do not forget that the relationship with your mother is not only her job, but also yours. Mothers also want to feel cared for, supported and understood by you. Be more tolerant, hardworking and calm. Work on your relationships. Try to speak honestly, take an interest in your mother’s life, what’s going on with her, how she feels, what interesting things are happening to her.
When you yourself begin to support your parents, take more care of them, and participate in their lives, only then can you count on achieving harmony in your relationship. Only if you work hard can we talk about mutual understanding.
Career question
Misunderstanding on your mother's part may relate to your line of work or your hobby. This mainly lies in the desire of your parents to provide you with a comfortable life. Mom wants to never experience a lack of money in her life. Thanks to this, professions such as economist and business process management have become popular. It seems that there is always a lot of money in these areas.
But the creative direction almost immediately goes into the trash bin. You can't make a living dancing. Nobody will buy your drawings. Your songs will eventually lead you to the tavern. Parents believe that only talented supergeniuses can make money through creativity. I won’t argue, people with some talent achieve some success. But it’s exactly the same in technical professions.
Success in one business or another does not depend on the direction. It depends on perseverance, hard work,... How many famous top managers do you know? I bet it's no more than a dozen. Why? Because in this area, as in creativity, great efforts must be made.
Thus, if your mother does not understand, first try to explain to her what you like about the profession, what fascinated you, why you chose this particular direction. Tell us about people who have achieved success in this. Share your plans and development path. Don't be offended if your mother still doesn't understand you. Grievances do not unite people, but vice versa. Don't hold it against your parents for misunderstanding.
Do what you love and enjoy it. And believe that mom will understand sooner or later.
Third wheel
Another area in which disagreements arise with parents is the choice of a partner. Mothers very often do not like the passions of their children. It’s not for nothing that there are so many jokes and tales about an evil mother-in-law and an unbearable mother-in-law. Love really often blinds people. And we may not see what mom sees.
You should always listen to her advice. But to follow them or not is entirely your choice.
When I was at school, my desk neighbor fell in love with a girl from a parallel class. The girl was sociable and attractive. The boy's mother was categorically against it. She forbade them to meet, locked her son at home, and punished him. As a result, I transferred him to another school. But all this did not prevent the young couple from getting married at the age of eighteen, secretly from their parents.
Recently there was an alumni reunion at school, where I met my deskmate. It turned out that his wife ran away with the fitness trainer, and at the same time grabbed a large part of the common property. One way or another, mom was right. I can’t say whether it was this or the experience of many years.
Your relationship is your responsibility. But it never hurts to listen to the opinions of your parents.
The main rule is don’t tell your mom about problems in your relationship. Often, the wrong opinion can be formed precisely because you share only the negative, constantly complaining about your husband or wife. Where can your mother’s love for your passion come from in this case?
On the contrary, try to tell as many positive things as possible. Share your joys and happiness. Create the impression of your partner that you yourself want. Then you will not have a question about how to improve the relationship between your chosen one and his parents.
Selecting the key
There are different ways to reach understanding with parents. The main thing is to be ready to work both on yourself and on your overall relationships. Remember that the result will not be achieved if you simply wait for understanding from the mother.
There is a wonderful phrase: nothing brings people together like a common enemy. I'm not trying to say that you and your mother need to find an opponent and fight against him together. There's no need to specifically look for it. Turn that phrase around. A common cause unites.
Find an activity with your mom that you two will enjoy. It can be anything. Cross-stitching, walking around the city, watching TV series, baking. The main thing is that this process captivates you and your mother. When you find a common cause, you can share experiences, brag about results, and discuss.
If you can't think of a common activity that both you and mom will enjoy, then join. Even if you don't like it. For example, your mother loves to dig in the garden, but you hate the soil, all these flowers, seedlings, and so on. You can still try, it won’t hurt you, and mom is pleased that you devote time to her and help her.
In addition, the surest way to achieve understanding is through conversations. As much as possible and as honestly as possible. Don't raise your tone when trying to explain something, don't swear or be offended.
I hope you can reach mutual understanding with your parents. Love each other and remember that we have only one parents.
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The most precious word in life for every person is mother. She was for us the source of the most valuable thing - life. How does it happen that there are children and even adults from whom you can hear the terrible words: “Mom doesn’t love me...”? Can such a person become happy? What consequences await an unloved child in adult life and what to do in such a situation?
Unloved child
In all literary, musical and artistic works, the image of the mother is glorified as gentle, kind, sensitive and loving. Mom is associated with warmth and care. When we feel bad, we voluntarily or involuntarily shout “Mom!” How does it happen that for some people a mother is not that way? Why do we increasingly hear: “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?” from children and even adults.
Surprisingly, such words can be heard not only in problem families, where parents fall into the risk group category, but also in families, at first glance, very prosperous, where everything is normal in the material sense, the mother takes care of the child, feeds him, clothes him , escorts you to school, etc.
It turns out that you can fulfill all the duties of a mother on a physical level, but at the same time deprive the child of the most important thing - love! If a girl does not feel her mother's love, she will go through life with a bunch of fears and complexes. This also applies to boys. For a child, the internal question is: “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?” turns into a real disaster.Boys, in general, having matured, will not be able to relate normally to a woman; without noticing it themselves, they will unconsciously take revenge on her for the lack of love in childhood. It is difficult for such a man to build adequate, healthy and fulfilling, harmonious relationships with the female sex. 
How does maternal dislike manifest itself?
If a mother is prone to regular moral pressure, pressure on her child, if she tries to distance herself from her child, not think about his problems and not listen to his wishes, then most likely she really does not love her child. A constantly heard internal question: “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?” leads a child, even an adult, to depressive states, which, as we know, are fraught with consequences. A mother’s dislike can arise for various reasons, but most of all it is associated with the child’s father, who did not treat his woman properly and was greedy with her in everything, both materially and emotionally. Perhaps the mother was completely abandoned and she is raising the child herself. And even more than one!..
All the mother’s dislike for the child arises from the difficulties she experiences. Most likely, this woman, as a child, was not loved by her parents... It would not be surprising to discover that this mother herself, as a child, asked the question: “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?”, but did not look for answers to it and what... or change in her life, but simply unnoticed by herself followed the same path, repeating the model of her mother’s behavior.
Why doesn't mom love you?
It’s hard to believe, but in life there are situations of total indifference and hypocrisy of a mother towards her child. Moreover, such mothers can praise their daughter or son in every possible way in public, but when left alone, they insult, humiliate and ignore. Such mothers do not limit their child’s clothing, food or education. They do not give him basic affection and love, do not talk heart to heart with the child, are not interested in his inner world and desires. As a result, the son (daughter) does not love his mother. What to do if a trusting, sincere relationship does not arise between mother and son (daughter). It even happens that this indifference is unnoticeable.
The child perceives the world around him through the prism of maternal love. And if it doesn’t exist, then how will the unloved child see the world? From childhood, a child asks the question: “Why am I unloved? What's wrong? Why is my mother so indifferent and cruel to me?” Of course, for him this is a psychological trauma, the depth of which can hardly be measured. This little man will enter adulthood squeezed, with a complex, with a mountain of fears and completely unable to love and be loved. How should he build his life? It turns out that he is doomed to disappointment?
Examples of negative situations
Often mothers themselves do not notice how, through their indifference, they have created a situation where they are already asking the question: “What to do if the child does not love his mother?” and they don’t understand the reasons, blaming the child again. This is a typical situation, moreover, if a child asks a similar question, he looks for a way out with his childish mind and tries to please his mother, blaming himself. But mommy, on the contrary, never wants to understand that she herself was the reason for such a relationship.
One example of a mother’s undesirable attitude towards her child is a standard school grade in a diary. They will cheer up one child if the grade is not high, they say, it’s okay, next time it will be higher, and the other will be neglected and called mediocrity and lazy... It also happens that mom doesn’t care about studying at all, and she doesn’t look at school or in her diary , and won’t ask if you need a pen or a new notebook? Therefore, to the question: “What to do if children don’t love their mother?” First of all, it is necessary for the mother to answer to herself: “What did I do so that the children would love me?” Mothers pay dearly for neglecting their children.
Golden mean
But it also happens that a mother pleases her child in every possible way and raises a “narcissist” out of him - this is also an anomaly, such children are little grateful, they consider themselves the center of the universe, and their mother the source of satisfying their needs. These children will also grow up not knowing how to love, but they will learn to take and demand well! Therefore, there must be moderation in everything, a “golden mean”, severity and love! Whenever a mother, you need to look for the roots in the parent’s relationship with their child. It is, as a rule, distorted and crippled, requires correction, and the sooner the better. Children know how to quickly forgive and forget bad things, unlike the already formed adult consciousness.
Constant indifference and a negative attitude towards a child leave an indelible imprint on his life. To a greater extent, even indelible. Only a few unloved children in adulthood find the strength and potential to correct the negative line of fate laid down by their mother.
What should a parent do if a 3-year-old child says that he doesn’t love his mother and might even hit her?
This situation is often a consequence of emotional instability. Perhaps the child is not receiving enough attention. Mom doesn't play with him, there is no physical contact. The baby needs to be hugged, kissed often and told about his mother's love for him. Before going to bed, he needs calming, stroking his back, reading a fairy tale. The situation between mom and dad is also important. If it is negative, then you should not be surprised by the child’s behavior. If there is a grandmother in the family, then her attitude towards mom and dad is a powerful influence on the child’s psyche.
In addition, there should not be too many prohibitions in the family, and the rules are the same for everyone. If a child is too capricious, then try to listen to him, find out what is bothering him. Help him, show him an example of how to calmly resolve any difficult situation. This will be an excellent building block in his future adult life. And all fights, of course, need to be stopped. When swinging at his mother, the child needs to, looking clearly into the eyes and holding his hand, firmly say that he cannot hit his mother! The main thing is to be consistent in everything, act calmly and judiciously.
What not to do
Most often the question is “What should I do if I am not my mother’s favorite child?” grown-up children ask themselves too late. The thinking of such a person is already formed and is very difficult to correct. But don't despair! Awareness is already the beginning of success! The main thing is that such a question does not develop into the statement: “Yes, no one loves me at all!”
It’s scary to think, but the internal statement that I am unloved by my mother has a catastrophic effect on relationships with the opposite sex. If it so happens that the son does not love his mother, then he is unlikely to be able to love his wife and children. Such a person is unsure of his abilities, does not trust people, cannot adequately assess the situation at work and outside the home, which affects his career growth and the environment as a whole. This also applies to daughters who do not love their mothers.
You can’t lead yourself into a dead end and tell yourself: “Everything is wrong with me, I’m a loser, I’m not good enough, I ruined my mother’s life,” etc. Such thoughts will lead to an even greater dead end. and immersion in the created problem. You don’t choose your parents, so you need to let go of the situation and forgive your mother!
How to live and what to do if my mother doesn’t love me?
The reasons for such thoughts are described above. “But how to live with this?” - the unloved child will ask in adulthood. First of all, you need to stop taking everything tragically and to heart. There is only one life, and what quality it will be mostly depends on the person himself. Yes, it’s bad that this happened to the relationship between mom, but that’s not all!
You need to firmly say to yourself: “I will no longer allow negative messages directed at me from my mother to influence my inner world! This is my life, I want to have a healthy psyche and a positive attitude towards the world around me! I can love and be loved! I know how to give joy and receive it from another person! I love to smile, I will wake up with a smile every morning and fall asleep every day! And I forgive my mother and don’t hold a grudge against her! I love her simply because she gave me life! I am grateful to her for this and for the life lesson she taught me! Now I know for sure that a good mood should be appreciated and fought for the feeling of love in my soul! I know the value of love and I will give it to my family!”
Changing consciousness
It is impossible to love by force! Well, okay... But you can change your attitude and the picture of the world drawn in our heads! You can radically change your attitude towards what is happening in the family. It's not easy, but it's necessary. You may need the help of a professional psychologist. If we are talking about a girl, she must understand that she herself will be a mother, and the most valuable thing she can give to her child is care and love!
There is no need to strive to please your mother, or anyone else. Just live and just do good deeds. You need to do it to the best of your ability. If you feel the edge after which a breakdown may occur, stop, take a breath, rethink the situation and move on. If you feel that your mother is again pressing on you with an aggressive attitude and driving you into a corner, say calmly and firmly “No! Sorry, mom, but you don't need to push me. I am an adult and I am responsible for my life. Thank you for taking care of me! I will reciprocate your feelings. But don't break me. I want to love and give love to my children. They are my best! And I’m a dad) in the world!”
There is no need to strive to please your mother, especially if over all the years of living with her you have realized that any action you take will be subject to criticism or, at best, indifference. Live! Just live! Call and help mom! Tell her about love, but don’t hurt yourself anymore! Do everything calmly. And don’t make excuses for all her reproaches! Just say: “Sorry, mom... Okay, mom...”, and nothing else, smile and move on. Be wise - this is the key to a calm and joyful life!
Family relationships are complex and multifaceted.
If a question arises, what to do if mom doesn't love me, This means we need to understand it comprehensively, since the reasons for this can be different.
What is better: to love or to be loved? find out right now.
Why do such thoughts arise?
It's hard to believe that mother has no feelings for her child. However, in practice this happens quite often.
Dislike is expressed in emotional detachment and coldness. The child’s problems are met with indifference, irritation, and aggression.
In such families frequent criticism and accusations that he is bad, disobedient.
If the parent usually wants to spend time with the child, then the one who does not feel the feeling of love will withdraw. Games and worries are burdensome.
Dislike for their offspring is common among mothers who take alcohol and drugs. In this case, the psyche changes, normal human feelings atrophy, and the need to satisfy one’s needs comes first.
Difficulties in expressing feelings often arise from fanatically religious mothers. In this case, a person develops a distorted idea of the world, family, and his own offspring.
All life is subordinated to one idea, and close people must agree with it and correspond to a certain ideal. If a daughter is imperfect from the point of view of religion and the mother’s internal ideas about correctness, then the parent stops loving her.
For some women, the feeling disappears because her daughter failed her in some way. Moreover, the reason may be completely far-fetched, the child simply does not meet some invented criteria.
There are even more serious offenses when the daughter commits a crime, leads an immoral lifestyle, abandons his own children.
If there used to be love, now it is replaced by distrust, indignation, and the best way to restore peace of mind is to exclude the person from your life.
Resentment towards parents. How to deal with resentment and anger towards your mother:
Is this possible?
Can a mother not love her child? The ability to show emotions is inherent in the type of nervous activity and character. Lifestyle also has an impact.
It seems incredible that a mother does not love her child, but there may be reasons for this certain reasons:
Thus, the main reasons why a mother may not love her child are changes in the psyche, an initially cold mother, and the actions of her daughter, which are difficult to forgive. Of course here rarely is it about a complete lack of love.
Most mothers still feel affection for their child, even without showing it outwardly or expressing anger and irritation most of the time.
Maternal instinct is in our genes. It may not appear immediately, or the person is initially cold in the external expression of feelings, therefore it seems that he doesn't love.
The psychology of hostility towards daughters
Why do they say that mothers don't love their daughters? It is a common belief that mothers love their daughters less.
This is probably due to feeling of competition, the struggle for the attention of the main man in the house - the father.
A growing daughter reminds a woman of her age.
Such inferiority complexes are projected onto the attitude towards your child.
Why are children loved differently? Find out about it in the video:
Signs of maternal dislike
How to understand that a mother does not love her daughter? Let's look at the signs by which you can understand whether your parent really doesn't love you or just seems so.
Signs of dislike are usually are felt from early childhood.
In some cases, the attitude towards a daughter changes in adulthood because of her actions or simply because the mother perceives her age and aging in a negative way.
Mom doesn't love me. The Myth of Holy Motherhood:
What are the consequences?
The mother doesn't love her daughter. Unfortunately, the consequences of parental dislike affect the girl’s entire future life:
Living with the knowledge that your parent doesn't love you is quite difficult. A person is forced to constantly be in tension, looking for confirmation of a good relationship.
Unloved children. The influence of childhood resentment on fate:
What to do?
You will have to realize that in life you are faced with such a difficult situation. You shouldn't blame your mother for not being capable of love. It's her choice.
The main task- live, enjoy life, no matter what.
You are not responsible for how other people treat you, but you are able to control your own mental manifestations and actions.
What to do if your mother doesn't love you? Psychologist's opinion:
How to make your mother fall in love?
First of all no need to beg, demand love. This feeling is either there or not.
Look at your mother from the other side. She also has advantages, interesting aspects of her personality.
Give her the opportunity to open up. The best way to do this is through conversations. Unobtrusively inquire about her past, work, and ask for advice.
It is absolutely not necessary for your mother to love you, but you can become friends with her, close friends.
Her grumbling, nagging, perhaps such a peculiar way to express her love. Simply due to various reasons and character traits she can't say these words out loud.
The daughter's relationship with her mother undergoes various changes. If you thought that as a child you were not loved and appreciated enough, then as an adult everything can change.
Your actions and attitude towards your parents can make your mother finally see you as a person worthy of respect and love. Give her the opportunity to express herself, do not refuse help.
Is it really possible to make a mother love her daughter? This depends on many factors, character traits, the willingness of the woman herself to change, and her daughter accept your mother for who she is.
If, as an adult, you were never able to feel your mother's love, just accept it as a fact and try to maintain smooth, friendly relations as much as possible.
It also happens that family members stop communicating completely.
Here is the choice of each person, and in some cases the only way to solve the problem.
Don't look for love where there is none, do not try to gain attention and favor by any means.
Be yourself, show your individuality, you don't have to be what other people want you to be. But at the same time, do not forget to appreciate your loved ones at least for the fact that they gave you life.
Why are you unlucky in love? you will find on our website.
How to love your mother? Psychology of conflicts: