Pretty girl, give me your phone number!
- Young man, write 0695671230.
- Hmm... So right away...
- Write, write, don’t be shy. Call tonight at six sharp. We meet at seven for dinner. I don't like to eat later. There will be no sex today. Early. Take the money. I love crabs. No flowers needed. Save money.
Tomorrow we can have sex. I like on top. Is six months enough for you? I can't delay with the children. And you too. Boy. Then the girl. I'll get fat.
You're going bald. You will go to your neighbor's. And I will take your apartment.
- What a fool.
- It's better to spend two minutes than twenty years...
More jokes
During a search, in one of the rural houses, moonshine was found buried in the garden.
“Write an explanatory note,” the district police officer demanded.
- Do you see how old and rusty this one is? - exclaimed the owner of the house, - my father died a long time ago, and apparently he remained after him.
- I do not know anything. “Yes, you will answer before the law,” the district police officer stubbornly said.
“Well then, blame me for all the rapes that have happened in the area in recent years,” the owner sighed wearily.
-And you raped many? - the policeman asked joyfully.
- Nobody. But there is.
Vasily Ivanovich and Petka studied in England to become doctors, return to their homeland, but face fierce competition in the person of a local doctor who is trying with all his might to prove that they are charlatans. To do this, he sends a man to them, they say, pretend to be sick, and when they treat you, say that nothing helps.
So, a man comes to them and complains that the taste has completely disappeared, help.
- Peter, drug number six.
Petka comes in and brings a black pill on a tray. Man trying:
- Yes, this is SHIT!!!
- Peter write: “The taste has been restored!” To the cash register, please.
The man comes again:
- I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember a damn thing.
- Peter, drug number six.
Man /indignantly/:
- SHIT again?!
- Peter write: “Memory restored!” For payment.
The third time the man went, well, he thought, fucked up, now I’ll come up with something that won’t help them:
- I’ve become impotent, it’s not worth it at all.
- Peter, drug number six.
Man, wow:
- Yes, I fucked you and your SHIT!!!
- Peter, write: “Potence restored”! Sick, for payment.
Orchestra conductor before rehearsal:
- Open the sheet music. Write: Bar 58 - three quarters.
Musicians (surprised):
- For what?
Conductor:
- Write, write. Bar 71 is a semitone higher.
Musicians (surprised):
- For what?
Conductor:
- Write, write. Bar 92 is another half step higher.
The musicians are at a loss, but they write.
Soprano singer:
- And should I write?
Conductor:
- No, you should sing exactly like yesterday.
A girl comes to get a job as a secretary. A fancy office, everything is going on, she walks in, the director is sitting there, all busy and businesslike.
Director: So, you are talking about work, right? I do not have much time. Sit down, I read your resume, you are suitable for us. Take a pen and paper, write down your responsibilities and daily routine. I’m a very busy person, I’m rarely in the office, I’ll need you around all the time. So this means: morning, breakfast in a Japanese restaurant or in the office, bacon, 2 eggs, coffee, min@t.
Girl (indignantly a**): Excuse me, please, I didn’t think...
Director (interrupting): Girl, write and write, we’ll sort it out. Lunch at a Georgian restaurant with business partners, soup, main course, fresh juice, min@t.
Girl (even more crazy): No, you will forgive me, of course, but...
Director: Write, I’m telling you, we’ll talk about it later. So, dinner in an Italian restaurant, with partners, but without ties. Maybe a little wine, min@t.
Girl: You know, I didn’t think that I would need...
Director: Girl, let me finish. I am a very busy person, constantly on the move, and my company is very large. I need a secretary who will always be there, so I will have to buy you a car. The salary is, of course, decent. I myself live in the city center, so of course I will have to buy you an apartment nearby. I have to travel abroad a lot, I don’t know languages, but you know, judging by your resume, I will take you with me. We mainly travel to northern countries, Norway, Finland, so we will buy you a good mink coat instead of your light coat...
From under the table: YUM-YUM...and a hat...
Pretty girl, give me your phone number!
Young man, write 0695671230.
Hmm... So right away...
Write, write, don’t be shy. Call tonight at six sharp. We meet at seven for dinner. I don't like to eat later. There will be no sex today. Early. Take the money. I love crabs. No flowers needed. Save money.
Tomorrow we can have sex. I like on top. Is six months enough for you? I can't delay with the children. And you too. Boy. Then the girl. I'll get fat. You're going bald. You will go to your neighbor's. And I will take your apartment.
What a fool!
It's better to spend two minutes than twenty years.
If a woman is shown attention by a person she likes, this is called courtship, and if she is unpleasant, it is called harassment.
Morning. Doorbell. The sleepy husband opens the door. On the threshold is the mother-in-law who has arrived from the station with two suitcases. Silent scene. Then the husband turns around and shouts into the room:
Zin, get up, help with the suitcases. Mom is leaving here!
A lawyer and a doctor talk at a party. But guests always come up to the doctor, interrupt their conversation, complain about their illnesses, and ask for advice.
Doctor to lawyer:
Tell me, why doesn’t anyone ask you for advice when you’re not at work? How do you do this?
If someone asks me for advice, I give it, but then I send the bill.
The doctor really liked this idea. But the next day he received a bill from a lawyer.
The lion called all the animals and said:
Whoever jumps off that high mountain can fuck my lioness.
The animals climbed the mountain, and the Lion stood below and waited. Waiting, waiting, suddenly the dot flew down, grew larger, WHAM - the Bear fell, and immediately climbed back.
Leo says:
Well, Bear, fuck the lioness.
And he climbs and climbs! Lev says:
Hey Bear, where are you going?
First I'll fuck the one who dumped me...
The door swung open and the knight ran into the room to the beautiful princess. The beauty cried sitting on the bed. Seeing him, she burst into tears even more.
Tomorrow they will give me to the dragon,” she told the knight, wailing. - Every year the dragon demands to eat the most beautiful virgin in the city. And this is me! Why am I so beautiful?!
I will save you! - the knight answered passionately.
Will you kill the dragon? - the princess was delighted.
There is a simpler solution,” the knight answered, pulling off his pants.
“Are there no other simple ways?” the princess asked with doubt in her voice.
Well, you can still break your nose and you will stop being the most beautiful,” the knight said thoughtfully.
The princess sighed and began to take off her dress.
Ladies and gentlemen! Now we will hear a laureate of many international competitions and a world-famous virtuoso! He will perform several pieces on his divine violin! - the entertainer announces to the audience.
But I’m not a violinist at all,” the embarrassed musician whispers, “I’m a pianist.”
“Ladies and gentlemen,” the compere continues, “today the performer forgot his violin at home and therefore will play the piano for us, which is even more difficult!”
While in Crimea, Putin threatened Ukraine's common future.
If he wins the election, Donald Trump has promised to expel all illegal immigrants from the United States, including President Obama.
Rospotrebnadzor has found dangerous substances in American wines that, when combined with cheese, can make Russians look uncharacteristically happy.
All vacationers are divided into the following categories:
1) lions - they come to relax with their mistresses, occupy expensive comfortable rooms;
2) wolves - they come angry and lonely, looking for vodka and women, then abandon the women;
3) jackals - pick up what the wolves have thrown;
4) donkeys - they come with their wives, walking with a smart look, arm in arm;
5) rams - let their wives go on vacation alone;
6) goats - on vacation they only play dominoes, cards, read books, are not interested in women;
7) alcoholics - these don’t need either books or women, two bottles are not enough for them, but one woman is too much.
