Hello, I would like to ask for help, you know the thing is that I have been living with a man for 10 years, I love him and maybe more, but there is one problem that does not allow me to live - aggression.
I have been emotional since childhood, but now it’s only worse, I can reach rage in a second, which recedes quickly after 10 minutes, I’ll cool down and I apologize for my behavior and even states of fatigue and there is no strength that will stop me, a small thing can be any me I accelerate in 10-15 seconds. and if I don’t express this right away, then it only gets worse, it grows more and the anger becomes greater, scandals happen often, I really ask for your advice because I feel sorry for my husband, he loves me very much, but he didn’t deserve such treatment, thank you, I hope for an answer

Answers from psychologists

Hello.

Tarasova Ekaterina Vladimirovna, psychologist Nizhny Novgorod

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Ksenia, good afternoon.

You are right, your man is not to blame for your aggression. Most likely, the anger that you “throw out” at him is not addressed to him (or, in any case, not to such an extent). I think it arose inside you much earlier. It’s just that now it (anger) has accumulated to a critical mass, it needs a way out, so you free yourself from it in this way.
There is an exit. Contact a psychologist in person, work through your negative feelings, solve your internal problems. And then you will stop placing them on your loved one.

Yarovaya Larisa Anatolyevna, psychologist Moscow

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Hello, Ksenia! open manifestation of irritation, short temper, manifestation of verbal aggression - all this may indicate a corresponding excitable emotional state (and here you need to look for the reason, for example, check your hormones - often their failure leads to increased irritability) OR all this indicates an open childish position - those. at some moments, your inner adult fades into the background and a CHILD emerges who cannot control himself, cannot be responsible for his actions and feels his impunity. You need to analyze the situations in which this happens, analyze your behavior and words, and work out the position of an ADULT AND A CHILD - to help yourself adequately assess situations and your reactions in them! Patterns of behavior CAN be changed, you just need to start working on yourself, start observing yourself and managing the situation. You can show yourself that even in problematic situations, YOU CAN choose more mature behavior - your husband is still tolerating the manifestation of an offended and angry child from you - BUT all this destroys relationships!

Ksenia, if you are ready to work on yourself, feel free to contact me - call me - I will be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

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Ksenia, hello!

Aggression or anger is a very natural human emotion, which, however, needs to be skillfully managed.

You are describing a situation where something happening outside can make you angry. That is, events happening outside cause your anger to get the better of you. Emotion begins to control your behavior. You are losing your temper...

To change your current situation, it is very important to learn how to manage your anger. So that emotion will never again be able to take over you, but you will always be able to control your own anger, anger, rage...

To do this, seek help from a specialist. By working with a psychologist/psychotherapist, you will learn what is preventing you from managing your feelings, and most importantly, what to do to regain control over them!..

Good luck to you, Ksenia! Feel free to contact us if you have any questions or need help!

Karamyan Karina Rubenovna, psychologist, psychotherapist, Moscow

Aggression is behavior when another person is humiliated, devalued, and his interests, actions, creativity, etc. are devalued.

It is known that in order for there to be happiness in family relationships, these relationships need to be constantly improved, i.e. work on them, understand what your actions lead to the desired results. In reality, everything is not so, because people live “automatically”: without thinking, they automatically react to what their partner does. For example, a beloved woman, while talking on the phone, did not inquire about the man’s health status, and in response received a serious accusation of selfishness and a demand to behave differently in the future. When accusations and demands to behave in a certain way are poured on a partner’s head, namely in the way that the other partner considers correct, then life together turns into torment. It’s sad, but the practice is that people come to a family psychologist when the relationship is practically destroyed, and if one partner wants to save the relationship (most often a man), then the other side is indifferent to these attempts. The woman is so devastated and crushed by her previous relationship with her partner that she does not believe in his promises to change, does not believe that it is possible to build a different relationship with this man. This disbelief in change is based on the fact that he promised to change many times, but two years, five years, ten years passed, and he continues to do what brings pain and suffering to the woman. Think for yourself whether you can hope for your partner’s promises to change if he has no idea what is happening to himself, what his wife is dissatisfied with, and how she sees a good relationship. If a person does not see the goal, then he will wander and never reach the goal. But a woman, as a rule, believes in these promises, simply because she really wants a warm and respectful relationship, and therefore endures it for as long as she can, some endure it all their lives.

I don't care what you feel or what you want!

I saw several families where a wealthy man (the owner of a business and material wealth) openly said that he would not allow his wife to leave him, despite the fact that the woman is forced to live with a man only out of fear for her life, the life of the child and her future chosen one. The fact that his wife simply does not love him is not even taken into account. The man talks a lot about the fact that his wife is not from “that family”, likes to have fun in clubs, likes to take care of herself, communicate with her friends and does not like to be at home. In general, this is not the ideal of a virtuous wife and mother. He seems to be saying that she is not very good for him, and at the same time he tightly clung to her, who is not as ideal as he would like. When you talk to such a man about the fact that violence is not acceptable, that not only his wife but also his children suffer from violence, the conversation usually comes down to the fact that it is his wife who provokes him to violence, because behaves incorrectly, and if he behaves correctly, then he will not have to resort to violence. It is a myth!

No matter how ideally the wife behaves, the rapist will always find something to complain about. If she wears a beautiful dress to a party, he will be dissatisfied with the fact that she “dressed up like a prostitute, and all the men were licking her lips all evening,” but if next time she wears a modest dress, he will be dissatisfied with the fact that she “ pretends that her husband doesn’t buy her decent clothes.” Most likely, such a man himself was subjected to violence when he was not yet able to stand up for himself. Most likely this happened when he was a child. For a child, violence is a serious trauma, and in order to survive, part of the child’s personality is split off, which allows him not to remember the tragic events for him, and the other part of the personality absorbs the traits of the rapist. And this rapist manifests himself when the victim appears, i.e. obviously a weaker creature (woman, child, animal). Why does a rapist have a death grip on his victim and not let her go, even though she is not very good for him? Yes, because this is an ideal tandem: the rapist and the victim, one cannot live without the other. A victim, properly trained, always attracts the rapist. What to do? The rapist should work with a psychologist to overcome the abuser’s behavior patterns, and the victim should work to overcome the role of the victim. In any case, in order to move the relationship for the better, both partners need to change.

Passive aggression - when you are your own main enemy

Guerrillas do not give up or what is passive aggression?

Don’t say “yes” and “no”, don’t take black and white...” - a children’s rhyme.
“No way, no way.” This saying epitomizes a process that psychologists call “passive aggression.”

A phrase consisting of two processes that contradict each other. Passivity for us personifies the extreme form of inaction, and aggression is nothing more than the embodiment of the active principle.

Thus, we are dealing with two processes that are opposite in direction, but manage to coexist together.

One of my friends told the story of how she found herself alone with a young man in the compartment of a night train and fought his advances all night. Can you imagine? All night long “no way, no way.” How was it necessary to refuse so that the other person would continue not to hear or understand? After all, we were not talking about a deranged rapist, but an ordinary man who showed his desire and was persistent in this.

Another example occurs in my teaching work. A capable and intelligent listener cannot begin the practice. She has everything for this. And we are not talking about self-doubt, this is just a superficial excuse.

In practical classes, she demonstrates good skills and knowledge, asks the right questions and accurately notes deep processes. She has already filed a patent and even rented an office for work. But he doesn’t begin to consult.

To define passive aggression, I want to immediately outline the fact that it can be both a person’s habitual psychological defense and a persistent personal characteristic, an important part of the personality that determines his character and life. Therefore, you can encounter features of the described process both in yourself and in many people at different points in life.

What are the main characteristics of a passive-aggressive personality?

Before us is a rebel, a professional revolutionary, a partisan who does not give up. He is always “against”. Even when it is unprofitable for him. The proverb “to spite my mother I will frostbite my ears” is about them.

When he enters a room (a process, a relationship, etc.) he is the first to notice shortcomings. He immediately sees that this is not the case and will not remain silent. He will say it in a sharp, ironic, caustic manner. Will pry you off. True, he will do this not directly, not personally, but in an indefinite form to a third party. For example: “Well, of course, it never occurred to anyone to ventilate the room before classes.”

You might admire his ability to see inconsistencies if it were all presented in an ethical manner. But the job of a passive-aggressive personality is not to correct shortcomings. She doesn't care about the result. She needs a process. And this process is a struggle. Not an open battle to win. Namely, a struggle, better hidden, but stubborn and endless.

He will fight everything and everyone. If not with anyone outside, then with yourself inside. The price doesn't matter. As I already said, the process is important, but not the result.

These are people of process, fighters on invisible fronts with invisible enemies.

In contact with them, you may be surprised at how simple things turn into insurmountable ones. How an easy step becomes impossible, and a simple action turns into an endless confusing process. You are surprised and outraged by why the task was not completed, although there were no obstacles.

Why, instead of a simple decision and action, does a person continue to ask clarifying questions that lead away from the meaning? Why, having agreed yesterday, nothing happened today.

When you are around him, you will inevitably begin to feel angry. It's as if you are being provoked and teased. And when you break down, they immediately point out your bad character or lack of proper upbringing.

Let's look at each component. Let's start with anger or aggression. It exists, but it is looking for indirect exits. Sarcasm, irony, teasing, provocation. Everything is used to give vent to anger. The main thing is to do this in an indirect way.

So, let’s emphasize the first significant component. There is anger and there is a lot of it. This means that a person has energy. There is a lot of it and it will be enough for everything he needs. Therefore, when our character turns for support and asks for advice, help, support, be careful! Whatever you give him will not be of any use.

My favorite psychological game (Eric Berne, psychological game theory, Transactional Analysis) is called “Yes, but...” It looks like this: you were asked for advice, you gave it, and an objection immediately follows. Yes, says the person asking, but I have already tried it, done it, etc. AND NOTHING GOOD HAPPENED.

If you continue to give other advice and recommendations, then prepare for the same fate to await them. Until a brilliant idea comes to your head, the interlocutor does not need the result. Then what does he need? Now it's time to reveal the second component - passivity.

Passivity in the behavior of a passive-aggressive person is rather not inaction, but opposition, which is expressed in resistance to those actions that will bring results. Outwardly, it seems that a person is simply not doing something for the sake of a goal. But in reality there is a struggle going on inside him.

He wants a result (who doesn’t?) and resists it. And all his energy, and we remember that there is a lot of it, goes towards resisting this action. Why, you ask, and you would be right? This is, to say the least, strange.

To answer this question, we need to delve into the past of such a person, at the time when this part of the personality is formed. We are at the age of active action from the moment we gain our strength. But we can understand our strength and master it only through contact with others.

Case study:

Maxim grew up an obedient boy. His mother was an extremely anxious woman, full of fears related to her son. These fears made her active in her relationship with him. She knew what a good mother’s child should be like, and that’s why she didn’t listen to Maxim much. Well, how can a little boy know what he needs? And mom always knows.

Therefore, her attitude towards the child resembled more violence than care. From feeding to choosing friends. Swallowing the hated porridge, and then playing the hated scales in the hated music school, Maxim began to look for ways against which his mother was powerless.

For example, he could clench his teeth or pull out. He could simply sit silently over the violin without touching the strings. At these moments, my mother exploded and screamed, but Maxim clearly felt his victory. He felt his strength when the teacher was almost sobbing from powerlessness and anger, and he just stood and remained silent at the blackboard.

And in his childish mind he derived the formula: “Strength is not in action, but in resistance.” Since he was not allowed to realize and feel his own strength in what he wanted to do, then the only opportunity he was guaranteed to receive pleasure from his own strength was when he resisted something. Sometimes later, in his adult life, he caught himself thinking that he was not against what he was opposing, but he could no longer do anything.

In childhood, a passive-aggressive person has a dramatic experience of such “soft” and sometimes quite harsh violence in the form of care and control from parents. And they decided to take revenge. To take revenge by preventing the parent from seeing the result. Therefore, the best thing you can do is not achieve the goal and not get the result.

To hurt the parent so that, in secret hope, he understands how bad the child is. To ask what you want, instead of forcibly feeding what seems right to the parent. Isn't the highest level of revenge on parents not to become happy? After all, one of the important results of parenthood is a happy child. And depriving a parent of this reward becomes the very unconscious goal that a passive-aggressive person strives for.

And the price is not important here. After all, we are talking about the inner Child, to whom he himself is not yet important. The parent is above all, he is the source of life and love. Therefore, you don’t mind freezing your ears.

Thus, two birds with one stone become a trophy in this battle: the opportunity to feel one’s strength (through resistance) and revenge on the parent (through failure to obtain results).

Let me remind you that this process is unconscious. And a person can be sincerely surprised at the lack of results from his actions until he sees that he is his own biggest enemy. That subconsciously he builds the process of action in such a way that the result is impossible. He chooses the wrong people, he does not feel the situation, does not notice important details, does not hear recommendations.

Such people are often late, miss crucial meetings and quarrel with the right people. And they always find justifications and explanations for their behavior. And they even sound convincing. Most often, he sees the reason not in himself, but in other people, in circumstances.

Their problem is to express their needs directly using the power of anger. But they are afraid to show anger, since in childhood this was impossible and dangerous. Therefore, anger, and with it strength and energy, is blocked and turned 180′, that is, against oneself.

Life becomes a continuous struggle to overcome difficulties. Like in the famous video in which the client complains of headaches and problems, while she does not see a huge nail in her head.

Another important trait of the passive-aggressive personality is being stuck in an either/or trap. “Either you eat this porridge, or you are not my son,” my mother said. The parent did not give the child a choice. Either you do as I say, or you lose my love. This trap gets firmly stuck in a way of thinking, which makes the selection process extremely difficult.

Such individuals make good critics and detectives, investigative journalists and satirists. Their keen eye will not miss anything.

They are often good and loyal friends, with a subtle sense of humor and a willingness to help. By the way, humor is also their distinguishing feature. They are extremely ironic. The thing is that anger and humor have one similar function: they relieve tension. And since the passive-aggressive person’s anger is blocked, a lot of energy can come out through humor. So they polish it.

On social media, a passive-aggressive personality is easy to spot. Their area is comments. The fact is that they extremely rarely take the initiative. They are inclined to jump on and ride on “someone else’s horse”, to become noticeable at the expense of someone else. Their comments are critical and sarcastic. They provoke the audience and eventually disappear, confirming that the world and people are imperfect.

As clients, passive-aggressive personality is a test for the counselor. The “Yes, but” game will drive anyone into hysterics. Therefore, the main principle in the work is to give the initiative to the client in determining the goal.

Until you receive an answer to the question “What would you like?”, do not offer anything. The therapist in the transference will become the very parent on whom revenge must be taken. And it will be extremely difficult to wait for changes and progress in the client’s life.

The fact that a passive-aggressive person is often very capable and talented gives hope for quick results. In case a person abandons the idea of ​​revenge and begins to master his power through the direct expression of anger. He will learn to say “no” directly, instead of going into ambush and building catacombs for guerrilla actions.

Instead of “either-or” he will begin to use the pronoun “and”. Both, instead of either/or.

I hope that this information will help you better understand people and yourself, and therefore give you the opportunity to improve your quality of life.

Today I want to talk about such a common phenomenon as aggression in relationships.

This applies not only to physical violence, but also to ordinary anger and rudeness.

As a rule, aggression in a relationship is shown by a man who has this energy by nature. However, a woman who has attracted these relationships into her life has similar qualities and attitudes that cause such behavior on the part of a man.

Aggression is a reaction to fear

Expressing anger or aggression is a basic instinct that is a reaction to fear. This exists in us from the world of living nature: in case of danger, the animal takes on a frightening appearance, shows fangs or even attacks in order to show its strength, scare the enemy and survive. Therefore, if there is anger in a relationship, then there is already fear there. Moreover, if anger can be very noticeable and conscious, then fears may not be immediately recognized if attention has not been paid to this. As a result, anger becomes an automatic response and a habit.

Let's now look at fears. Fear is the opposite energy of love. When a person experiences fear, he is closed to intimacy, he does not trust, love does not flow through him. Typically, we are dealing with fear of intimacy and fear of rejection. They can exist in a person due to lack of love from parents in childhood or mental trauma from youthful relationships. As a result, a person has an attitude that he may not receive love from his partner, that he may leave him. Therefore, defense arises, which often manifests itself in the form of aggression. Aggression will arise if a person does not receive what he wants from his partner: it could be sex, attention, or even something very insignificant, but expected. After all, the more fears, the more expectations a person has from a partner.

Jealousy, which causes subsequent aggression, is also rooted in the fear of rejection. Moreover, jealousy can be hidden and unexpressed, but if its vibration is present, then it will be manifested on the emotional plane sooner or later.

Getting rid of fears

These fears are based in self-doubt or ignorance of the real self, in other words, from an unhealthy ego. Therefore, a good solution to heal relationships is always the path to yourself, establishing a connection with your soul, your original essence. While this connection does not exist, a person clings to relationships, wants to find in them a means to eliminate his fears, causing only problems and depriving him of satisfaction. Full-fledged relationships are born from the fullness of the person himself. Therefore, if the situations described above are familiar to you, it’s time to look inside yourself, accept the presence of fears and ask yourself the question “is this the real me who is afraid and reacts?” How deep this question will take you depends on your desire and readiness for self-knowledge. However, it is always a purifying and transformative journey towards your true self. Of course, in this process we often need guides - teachers and masters who help us pay attention to what we need, change our perception of life, and free ourselves from the burden of programs. However, these helpers always come as you are ready and honest with yourself. Therefore, you don’t need to sit and wait, but rather take the first step on your own - start meditating, turn to the Universe for help and be sincere with yourself.

A horoscope also helps to look deeper at the reasons for difficulties in relationships. Planetary influences are a reflection of our energies and characteristics of consciousness. When interacting with another person, we interact with his energies, which are also reflected in his horoscope. Therefore, astrologers often use techniques for compatibility between two people, but, of course, not in order to say whether you are compatible or not, but in order to see the lessons that the couple goes through, as well as common ground and opportunities for development. You can find out more about horoscope analysis

(c) Valeria Zhelamskaya

Every Saturday, Bill and Sarah leave their son with the nanny and go out to dinner. Sarah dresses up for every date. She hopes this helps keep the spark alive in the relationship. One day Sarah puts on a new little red dress. It is more revealing compared to the dresses Sarah usually wears. She is nervous before appearing to her husband.

When Bill sees Sarah in a new dress, he smiles, shakes his head in surprise and says, “You look...different.” Sarah gets upset, but doesn't talk about it. She feels awkward all evening. Sarah swears to herself that she will never wear this dress again.

Later that evening, in bed, Bill reaches out to kiss Sarah. She casually pecks him on the cheek, rolls over and pretends to be asleep. All week Sarah thinks about the red dress and her husband's remark. When Bill wants to have sex, she pretends to have a stomach ache.

By the following Saturday, Sarah is fuming with anger, but keeps her feelings to herself. She doesn't ask her husband, "What did you mean when you said I look different?" She won't admit that it offended her.

If Sarah would talk to her husband, she would feel better. Bill would tell her the truth: he had never seen her in such an outfit, Sarah had taken him by surprise. But he liked the way she looked.

Sarah's reaction towards Bill is a typical example of passive-aggressive behavior. Passive aggression is an indirect expression of anger. The person feels uncomfortable but is unable to express anger or resentment honestly and openly.

Passive aggression is a learned behavior and can be unlearned.

When both partners have a healthy relationship with anger, they can recognize it, talk about their upset feelings, discuss the reasons, and resolve the situation. Passive aggression is a symptom of fear of conflict.

When a person takes a passive-aggressive position, he tries to avoid an argument. But in practice, he gets the opposite effect - it seems to his partner that they are constantly living in a quarrel. When one or both partners suppress aggression, it is much more difficult to resolve the conflict. Aggression does not come to the surface, partners do not face it directly.

Passive aggression often has its roots in childhood relationships with anger. If as a child you experienced explosive outbursts of anger, a parent yelled at you, or was physically aggressive, you will fear this emotion as an adult. You are afraid not only of seeing someone angry, but also of experiencing anger yourself. Passive aggression can also stem from parents who avoided anger as an emotion. Joy? Yes. Sadness? Of course, everyone feels sad sometimes. Anger? No. He has no place in our home.

Children from such families grow up with the conviction that anger is scary and should not be shown. As adults, this prevents them from recognizing anger in themselves and expressing it in a healthy and relationship-friendly way.

I worked as a family therapist for 35 years and taught anger management classes. During this time, I developed recommendations on how to cope with passive aggression. Passive aggression is a learned behavior and can be unlearned. To help your partner cope with passive aggression, let him know that it is his behavior that is annoying you, not him. If you are passive aggressive yourself, you need to go through the same steps. Remind yourself that you have the power to change your behavior.

What to do in the midst of conflict

When passive aggression occurs in the middle of a conflict, there are seven steps to take:

1. Calm down. You should not start a discussion when both of you or one of you is in the grip of negative emotions. A person prone to passive aggression will close down or, on the contrary, escalate the situation. Take a break to calm down and relax. After this, you can start discussing the problem.
2. Discuss the problem. Don't try to guess what your partner is feeling or thinking. Ask him directly.
3. Collect ideas. For a relationship to be successful, it takes effort from both partners. Together, propose and discuss ideas to solve your problems. Make a list of all possible options.
4. Write down the pros and cons. Once you have a list of options for solving a problem, discuss the positives and negatives of each solution.
5. Choose the best option. The best solution is the one where you both gain the most and lose the least.
6. Go to action. Take the best option and start implementing it. It may take time to figure out if it works. Set a date when you will evaluate its effectiveness.
7. Estimate. Did the solution work? If not, try another option from the list.

How to get rid of passive aggression in the long term

Dealing with passive aggression in the midst of conflict is a last resort. For many couples, passive-aggressive behavior becomes a long-term problem. The best way to change this behavior pattern is to work together on it over time.

To eliminate passive aggression, you need to draw clear boundaries between you and your partner. We need to respect each other's physical and emotional space. Flexibility is also necessary.

Ideally, you and your partner should reach a state in which you feel safe. Thanks to this, you can push boundaries without fear of losing yourself or ruining relationships. You will push boundaries by choice, not because of pressure from your partner.

If your partner tends to be passive aggressive, you need to clearly communicate to him what words and actions upset and anger you. He also needs to know that you love him. Showing anger does not mean ruining a relationship. If you yourself are prone to passive aggression, be open. Listen to your partner: how you can meet his emotional needs. Three steps will help you define each other's boundaries and establish a healthy relationship with anger.

1. Make a list. This exercise is performed by each partner alone. Make a list of problems that have recently arisen in your relationship. Think about the last time you felt angry or upset about something your partner said or did. Write down one thing you would like to change about your other half's behavior. Notice one thing your partner can do to make you feel happier and more confident in your relationship.
2. Draw boundaries. The list will help you figure out how to move boundaries to strengthen your relationship. The request must be as specific as possible. Let's say your husband demands dinner on the table every night, and this annoys you. You shouldn’t say: “It upsets me that you practically don’t cook. I’ll be happier if you cook more.” Be more specific: “It would be great if you started cooking on Mondays. This is my hardest day at work." Moreover, it is not necessary to ask your husband to cook himself. Explain that you do not mind the food ordered. The main thing is that you don't have to think about it.
3. Move gradually. The process of strengthening relationships does not boil down to the fact that one partner corrects himself and tries to become better for the sake of the other. Each of you must make concessions. Take one step and see where it leads. But don't throw away the list. After a few weeks, return to it and analyze your achievements. Then take the next step and exchange wishes again.

If you find yourself in conflict with a passive aggressive person, focus on present and future events. Don't bring up past grievances, even if you're still worried about them. You can't solve current problems if you keep going back to the past. Respect your partner's thoughts and feelings and expect the same from him in return. Your behavior is your responsibility, don't forget about it.

One last thing: Even if your partner is the only one who has a problem with passive aggression, remember that you are not perfect either. Focus on solving the problem, not proving you are right. Each of us has the potential for self-improvement and strengthening relationships.

about the author

(Andrea Brandt) – family psychotherapist.