Often at trainings we ask participants the question: “What is the difference between an adult and a child?” As a rule, we come to the answer: responsibility.
Child's position
Indeed, the position of a child is the position of a person who is not fully responsible for his life.
When we say that the reason for our bad mood –
- it's the weather
- we are upset
- the boss shouted
- we feel guilty
- Once again we were late due to traffic jams.
All these are examples of “childish” behavior characteristic of the Child’s position.
When something doesn’t work out for us, when we again put things off until better times, when we say “well, I don’t know...” or “I’ll try...” - all this comes from this role. And there is nothing wrong with it: we are all familiar with it.
It is important to simply not get carried away with this role. Because if we are constantly in this hypostasis, those around us have no choice but to take the position of a Parent in relation to us.
Who is a Parent?
First of all, it is a supervisory body involved in the education of a younger comrade. He always knows how to keep a child occupied, what instructions to give him, what to teach him. And, importantly, he always has critical remarks ready.
Remember your childhood: most likely, your mom or dad (or even both) often gave you homework assignments, checked that you completed tasks correctly, checked whether your briefcase was packed, and so on.
Personally, in my childhood, the following items on the “parental menu” were always ready: was the floor washed, were the dishes clean. And what depressed me most was checking my violin homework.
My musical exercises were regulated by time, after which I had to play a “control time”. Sometimes there were several of these control times, because the test was not passed the first time.
What are the consequences of a child not completing a task or completing it poorly? As a rule - punishment, deprivation of something. TV (now a computer), festivities, some gifts, and so on.
What’s interesting is that as we grow up, we still end up in these two positions from time to time.
Wives control their husbands (what they ate, where the money is, why they didn’t come home on time from work) - and thereby become involved in the role of Parent. Husbands, making excuses, fall into the role of the Child. They make stashes and don’t tell the whole truth.
Consequences: the mother has one more child in her family. And if everyone is happy with this, then such a family has excellent chances for a long existence. Sometimes it happens the other way around: instead of husband and wife, “father” and “daughter” live under the same roof.
Adult Position
A fundamentally different position is Adult position.
This is when we are on equal terms, this is when there is trust, this is when we are responsible for our lives and for our contribution to the relationship. In this role, we do not get involved in other people's problems and do not solve them instead of another (like a Parent). We don’t complain ourselves and don’t savor the details of someone else’s “unhappy life, because there are only idiots around” (like the Child).
Here we see reality as it is. And if we are not happy with something, we correct it. Only an Adult can be next to an Adult. This is possible only when the Child has become responsible and when the Parent has turned off total control.
Therefore, choose. Decide what role you want to play in your relationships with people close to you.
The first step is to identify an existing position. And if you are not satisfied with it, change it (this will be the second step). And remember: there is always a place for play in life! Don't always take things too seriously.
Adults can even play pranks!
Expert on the psychology of love
One of the most important factors that shape a child’s harmoniously developed personality is the educational positions of parents, which determine the general style of education.
In the description of the typology of family education, the study of educational parental attitudes and positions is accepted. In general terms, optimal and non-optimal parental positions were formulated.
The optimal parental position meets the requirements of adequacy, flexibility and predictability.
The adequacy of the parental position can be defined as the ability of parents to see, understand the individuality of their child, and notice the changes occurring in his mental world.
The flexibility of the parental position is considered as the ability to restructure the impact on the child as he grows up and in connection with various changes in the living conditions of the family.
The predictability of the parental position means that it is not the child who should lead the parents, but, on the contrary, the style of communication should be ahead of the emergence of new mental and personal qualities of children.
In disharmonious families, where the upbringing of a child has become problematic, a change in parental positions is quite clearly evident in one or all three selected indicators. Parental positions are inadequate, lose the quality of flexibility, become increasingly stable, unchangeable and unpredictive.
The educational positions of parents are the nature of the emotional relationship of the father and mother to the child. The following main types are distinguished:
● an emotionally balanced attitude towards the child (the optimal style of behavior of parents): parents perceive the child as an emerging personality with certain age, gender and personality characteristics, needs and interests. The basis of this relationship is the adult's respect for the child. Parents express their feelings, categoricalness and persistence to the child, but at the same time maintain the degree of freedom and independence necessary for him. The adult perceives the child as an individual. Interpersonal relationships between parents and children are built on the basis of interaction and mutual understanding;
● concentration of parents' attention on the child (undesirable style of parental behavior): the family exists for the sake of the child. Parents show constant overprotection towards the child. They constantly monitor the child’s behavior, limit his social contacts, strive to give advice, and impose communication. In this case, the parental positions are as follows: excessive compliance; inadequate understanding of the child’s personality; communication with the child as with a baby (without taking into account his age characteristics); inability to adequately perceive the degree of social maturity and activity of the child; inability to manage children; spiritual distance between father and mother from the child;
● emotional distance between parents and child (undesirable style of parental behavior). Distance means the psychological distance of adults from children - rare and superficial contacts with the child, emotional indifference to him. The relationship between parents and children does not bring mutual satisfaction, since they are fundamentally oriented by adults to “find control over the child”, without understanding his individual characteristics, needs and motives of behavior.
Family parenting styles are typical patterns of relationships between adults and children in families. Relationships are defined by the degree of tension and the consequences of negative influences on the upbringing of children.
The pathology of family relationships produces a wide range of anomalies in the mental and moral development of the child. Of course, these anomalies that arise in the conditions of dysfunctional family relationships are not a consequence of them alone. They can arise under the influence of a number of side effects that either become the cause of conflict itself or act as a catalyst for it, for example, the low spiritual culture of parents, their selfishness, drunkenness, etc.
A. S. Spivakovskaya offers the following classification of unfavorable types of relationships in the family:
1. “Outwardly calm family.”
In this family, events proceed smoothly; from the outside it may seem that the relations of its members are orderly and coordinated. However, behind the prosperous “facade” are hidden long-term, strongly suppressed feelings for each other.
2. "Volcanic family."
In this family, relationships are fluid and open. Spouses constantly sort things out, often separate, only to soon love tenderly and again treat each other sincerely and tenderly. In this case, spontaneity and emotional spontaneity prevail over a sense of responsibility. Whether parents want it or not, the specific emotional atmosphere of the family has a constant impact on the child’s personality.
3. “Family sanatorium.”
This is a characteristic type of family disharmony. The behavior of the spouses takes on the appearance of a “resort”; efforts are expended on a kind of collective self-restraint. The couple spends all their time together and tries to keep their children close to them. Since the unconscious goal of one of the spouses is to retain the love and care of the other, the child cannot compensate for the lack of love on the part of either parent. The family's limitation to care and internal relationships leads to a constant focus on health, emphasizing all kinds of dangers, and intimidation. The need to keep a child in the family leads to the discrediting of extra-family values, to the devaluation of the child’s communication and preferred forms of spending free time. Petty care, strict control and excessive protection from real and imaginary dangers are characteristic signs of the attitude towards children in “sanitary” type families. Such parental positions lead to excessive overload of the child’s nervous system, which causes neurotic breakdowns.
4. “Fortress family.”
This type is characterized by being limited by the family circle with disharmonious internal connections. The attitude towards children in such a family is strictly regulated; the need to limit connections outside the family leads to the rigid fixation of all kinds of restrictions. In families of the “fortress” type, the child’s love becomes more and more conditional; he is loved only when he lives up to the demands placed on him by the family circle. Such a family atmosphere and type of upbringing lead to increased self-doubt in the child, lack of initiative, and sometimes intensify protest reactions and behavior such as stubbornness and negativism. The “fortress” family puts the child in a contradictory position, a situation of internal conflict caused by a discrepancy between the demands of the parents and the environment and the child’s own experience. The consequence of relationships in such a family is the child’s neuroticism.
5. “Family theater”.
In such families, stability is maintained through a specific “theatrical lifestyle.” The focus of such a family is always play and effect. As a rule, one of the spouses in such families experiences an urgent need for recognition, constant attention, encouragement; he is acutely experiencing a lack of love. Showing love and care for a child to strangers does not save children from the acute feeling that their parents have no time for them, that their fulfillment of their parental responsibilities is a formal necessity imposed by social norms. In the theatrical lifestyle of a family, a special attitude towards the child often arises, associated with the desire to hide his shortcomings and imperfections. All this leads to weakening of self-control and loss of internal discipline. The lack of genuine closeness with parents forms the selfish orientation of the individual.
6. “Family is the third wheel.”
It occurs in cases where the personal characteristics of the spouses and the style of their interaction are of particular importance, and parenthood is unconsciously perceived as an obstacle to marital happiness. This is how a style of relationship with a child arises along the lines of hidden rejection. Raising children in such situations leads to the formation of self-doubt, lack of initiative, fixation on weaknesses; children are characterized by painful experiences of their own inferiority with increased dependence and subordination to parents. In such families, children often have fears for the life and health of their parents; they can hardly tolerate even temporary separation from them, and have difficulty adapting to children’s groups.
7. Family with an “idol”.
It arises when caring for a child turns into the only force capable of keeping parents together. The child turns out to be the center of the family, becomes the object of increased attention and care, and inflated expectations of the parents. The desire to protect the child from life’s difficulties leads to a restriction of independence, which is largely facilitated by the unconscious tendency to slow down the child’s growth, since a decrease in guardianship threatens the breakdown of the family group. With such upbringing, children become dependent. At the same time, the need for positive assessments increases; children lack love. Demands for recognition at any cost give rise to demonstrative behavior. Critical awareness of one's own personal qualities is replaced by negative assessments of others, feelings of injustice and harshness of others.
8. “Family Masquerade.”
It is generated by the inconsistency of the life goals and plans of the spouses. Raising a child takes on features of inconsistency, and the world for the child appears different, sometimes with contradictory aspects. The flickering of masks increases the feeling of anxiety. Inconsistency in the actions of parents, for example, the increased demands of the father while the mother is overprotective and forgiving, causes confusion in the child and a split in his self-esteem.
Can you remember the last twenty-four hours of your life?
Have there been times when you felt, thought and behaved like a child?
Or maybe your behavior, thinking, feelings reflected what you once learned from your parents as a child?
Surely, remember also the moments when you directly reacted to events, but did not fall into childhood, but behaved like an adult, which you really are.
If you were able to complete this little exercise, then, of course, you noticed that we are talking about three different ways of interacting with the world. Or, as psychologists say, about various human ego states.
The parental state is characterized by patterns, stereotypes of social behavior, rules and prohibitions learned from parents.
- The state of an adult is a rational, analytical principle, lives according to the principle of “here and now.”
- The child’s state is an emotional, intuitive, instinctive response to life circumstances.
Imagine that you are driving your car. The road is filled with other cars and the traffic is very busy. Every second you are forced to evaluate your surroundings: the speed of other cars, road signs, your condition and the condition of your car. At this moment, you are as attentive and focused as possible, react adequately to everything, and therefore are in the so-called “Adult” state.
Suddenly another driver recklessly overtakes you, flagrantly violating traffic rules. For a split second you feel afraid of a possible accident and reduce your speed. All this time you are in the “Adult” state. The feeling of fear is an adequate reaction of the body to a dangerous situation. It helped you react quickly and prevent a possible accident. When the offender’s car disappears into the distance, you relax slightly and say indignantly: “Such drivers should not be allowed anywhere near the road. If it were up to me, I would deprive him of his driver’s license forever!”
Please note that now you have unnoticeably moved into the “Parent” state. It may very well be that your father once said the same phrase when something similar happened to him.
So, after a while, you drive up to your office, look at your watch and realize that you are late for an important meeting due to traffic jams and crazy drivers. Your heart tightens and for a moment you panic. Now you have moved into the “Child” state (about the same thing you could experience when you were late for school, where punishment from the teacher awaited you).
The feeling of panic is a reaction to old memories, and not to what might happen to you now as an adult. At such a moment, we do not realize that for a moment we find ourselves in childhood.
Then you suddenly say to yourself: “Stop! What’s the matter? Why am I nervous? My boss knows very well what kind of traffic jams there are in the city at this time, and the information that he will now receive from me will make him very happy. It’s time for him to make comments to me.”
You are again in the “Adult” state. Your body is relaxed and you are smiling. As you walk up the steps, you hum a sweet little song to yourself; you laugh like an adult, not the nervous laugh of a frightened child.
A healthy and holistic personality needs only three ego states.
An “adult” is needed to solve various problems that arise “here and now.” It helps us cope effectively with the difficulties of life.
To fit into the laws of society, we need a set of rules reflected in our “Parent”.
In the “Child” state we find access to childlike spontaneity, intuition, and creative potential.
If we simplify, we get:
"When I think, I am an Adult,
when I feel - I am a Child,
when I evaluate, I am a Parent."
"Parent" and "Child" are echoes or memories of the past.
In the “Child” state, I reproduce the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that I had as a child.
In the “Parent” state, what I have copied in the past from my parents or other authority figures.
And only in the “Adult” state do I respond to what is happening with the fullness of my adult, current personality.
Denis is seventeen years old. He proudly calls himself a "rebel." He excludes the “Parent” from the structure of his personality and tries not to be guided in his life by rules, patterns, attitudes and advice from elders. While this amuses him, those around him notice that in every situation he looks for his own solution and spends too much effort and time on it. It's like living "idle".
Oleg is thirty. He is too serious and responsible. It seems to him that successful people are serious people who smile little. He wants to be like his boss, a respectable elderly gentleman who recently turned 65 years old. Oleg has problems with the “Child” ego state. He gives others the impression of emotional coldness, insensitivity and is not conducive to close communication.
If the “Adult” ego-state is excluded, a person does not analyze life events well and often makes erroneous decisions.
Lena is already twenty-eight. She is educated, sweet and spontaneous. Lives easily and cheerfully. All her life issues are still decided by her parents. Lena herself believes that this is beneficial - she “doesn’t have a headache about anything.” How long she will last in this state is unknown, but, most likely, habit will do its job and, in order not to leave a comfortable role, she will look for a husband who is approximately the same as her father and mother.
From this point of view, it is possible to analyze the interaction of people with each other, to understand the origins of difficulties and conflicts. Each person is in a certain ego state. When one of the communicating receives a response from the expected ego-state of the partner, then the communication can continue for quite a long time. If not, most often at this moment a conflict arises.
"Controlling Parent". A positive manifestation gives the child protection, opens up prospects, and gives recommendations on how to live. Negative manifestation - edifies, implies obedience, limits, commands, controls. He believes that only he is right.
"Caring Parent". Positive manifestation_ - stimulates, supports, inspires, enhances a person’s potential.
Negative manifestation - overprotective, doing for a person what he can do himself.
"Adult". Makes logical conclusions, makes responsible decisions, and brings his ideas to life.
"Adaptive Child". Well-mannered, obedient, disciplined, but lacking initiative, “intimidated.”
"Free Child". Liberated, does what he wants, spontaneous behavior, spontaneous and creative.
"Rebel Child". Disobedient, rude, often goes into conflict and does a lot of things the other way around. It's hard to come to an agreement with him.
This model allows you to look at yourself from the outside, to understand the behavior of your children, husband or wife, and employees. Of course, this is not enough to resolve all situations that arise in life, but understanding is the first step to solving the problem.
Alena came to me with a request to understand her situation. The man she has been dating for seven months has proposed marriage to her. The relationship with him is very good, but Alena noticed a strange tendency: all her ideas, thoughts and actions are meticulously assessed by her fiancé. She can’t do anything on her own, he tries to control everything, demands an account and often repeats that she doesn’t know life yet, their age difference is six years. Alena is a creative person, she feels like an adult and is capable of not only making decisions, but also being responsible for them. She put up with the situation at the beginning of their acquaintance, taking this behavior for concern. Now it has become obvious that he wants to control everything, which in the future can lead to quarrels.
In communication, Alena’s fiancé is constantly in the ego-state of “Controlling Parent,” thereby driving Alena into the “Child” state. Alena, on the other hand, tries to remain in the “Adult” state or automatically falls into the “Rebellious Child”. Hence the disagreements that arise quite often. The best option for a couple is to learn to communicate from the perspective of “Adult” - “Adult”.
Example No. 1.
Wife (hugging her husband): “I’m already bringing it, dear. What else should I cook for you?”
The husband is in the Adult ego state (B), the wife is the Caring Parent (CP). The couple has a good relationship. The state (ZR) is associated with help, care and is based on sincere respect for the person. Therefore, if one of the partners occupies the position (ZR), and the second (B), or if they periodically change these roles, harmony and mutual understanding will most likely reign in their relationship.
Example No. 2.
Husband to wife: “I’m terribly tired. Make me some hot tea.”
Wife (in a harsh voice): “I’m also exhausted today, but I’m not asking you for tea. Do it yourself.”
At first glance, there is nothing in the husband’s phrase itself that could cause a negative reaction from the wife. But by the way she reacted, one can judge that in her husband’s words, in his intonation, she hears notes of command. Once upon a time, her parents and teachers spoke to her in this tone, evaluating her critically and commanding her: “Go to bed! Wipe off the dust! Take out the bucket!”
Now an adult woman can no longer tolerate such an offensive tone and does not want anyone to command her. She is waiting for a request that takes into account her interests: “If it’s not difficult for you, please make me a cup of tea. I’ll rest for a couple of minutes and help you with the housework.”
In the example described, the husband, unwittingly, took the position of the Parent-Commander and, instead of a cup of tea, received a rebellious response from a snarling Child. The more often he treats his wife as a Critical Parent (CR), the more often this will lead to stubbornness and conflicts on the part of his wife.
In order to easily communicate with others, it is very important to know your “favorite” ego state.
You can be more clear about this if:
1. Observe how you communicate with loved ones, co-workers, and friends for several days.
2. Determine what reactions you most often have: you argue, take care of someone, “teach someone how to live,” complain...
3. Write down who you are more often - an Adult, a Parent (Controlling or Caring) or a Child (Rebellious, Free, Adaptive)?
4. If you want, for example, to consciously control your Critical Parent and be a Nurturing Parent more often, describe a person who, in your opinion, is in this ego state. Write down the words he says, his reactions to different situations.
5. Compare your behavior with the standard (SR) that you have obtained.
6. Try to implement your plan. Starting tomorrow morning, control your speech, intonation, and behavior.
Very soon you will feel that you are changing your “favorite” ego state: criticism and orders will turn into requests and understanding. For example, why should a spouse respond aggressively and irritably (ego-state of a Rebellious Child), if they address her respectfully and calmly, and are ready to listen and discuss her opinion (Adult).
By changing yourself, you will change the world around you. The reaction of others will be different, behavior will be more flexible and less conflicting.
If you want to analyze your family relationships more deeply, contact a specialist and take a special, professional test that determines the functional ego states of an individual. Study yourself, improve, and let your families be happy and harmonious! I wish you success!
Our consultant is a family psychologist Tatiana VASYLKOVSKAYA
A person’s biological age is not as important as his mental state. American psychologist E. Berne identified three I-states in which every person occurs from time to time: Parent, Child or Adult.
The twentieth century gave the world many outstanding people. One of them is the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne (1910-1970), the creator of transactional analysis. His theory has become a separate popular trend in psychology, incorporating the ideas of psychoanalysis, behaviorism, and cognitive psychology.
E. Berne presented the theory of transactional analysis in a language accessible to readers in several works. Many of them have been translated into Russian and have remained bestsellers for more than half a century. His most famous books are: “Games People Play”, “People Who Play Games”, “Beyond Games and Scripts”.
And in the book “Transactional analysis in psychotherapy. Systemic Individual and Social Psychiatry” contains the entire coherent theory of E. Bern, and not only its main blocks, developed in subsequent publications - analysis of games and scenarios - but also aspects that the author does not set out in his other books.
In a practical sense, transactional analysis is a system for correcting the behavior of individuals, couples and small groups. After familiarizing yourself with the works of E. Bern and adopting his concept, you can independently adjust your behavior so as to improve relationships with the people around you and yourself.
The central concept of the theory is transaction- the act of interaction between two individuals entering into communication, the basis of interpersonal relationships.
It is difficult to literally translate the word “transaction” from English, but in terms of its meaning it is most often interpreted as “interaction”, although transaction– this is not the entire interaction, but only its element, a unit of communication. Human interactions consist of many transactions.
A transaction includes a stimulus and a response. One person says something (stimulus), and the second person responds something (response).
A simple transaction example:
- Can I help you? (stimulus)
- No, thank you, I'll do it myself. (reaction)
If interaction were based only on the “stimulus-response” scheme, there would not be such a variety of human relationships. Why does a person behave differently with different people and reveal himself in a special way in his interactions?
The fact is that when communicating, one individual comes into contact with another person as a person with a person, or more precisely, some part of his personality with a part of the personality of another person.
Self-state theory
E. Berne defined the personality structure as a composition of its three components or parts - I-states(Ego states).
Parent
All the norms, rules, prohibitions, prejudices and morals that a person learned in childhood from parents and other significant adults add up to what is called the “inner voice” or “voice of conscience.” When conscience awakens, the inner Parent awakens.
Most people know what it means to be a parent, to care for, care for and raise a child. In the Parent ego state, a person strives to manage, control, lead. His position in communication is condescending or contemptuous; he is categorical, emotional, uses life experience and wisdom, loves to teach, instruct, and moralize.
E. Berne divided this Self-state into the Helping Parent, who mainly provides support and care, and the Critical Parent, who scolds and blames.
Child
Every person was a child and in adulthood sometimes happens to return to a childish style of behavior. The child behaves naturally, naively, spontaneously, he fools around, enjoys life, adapts and rebels. In the position of a Child, a person often thoughtlessly follows his own desires and needs.
In the relationship between Child and Parent, the Child depends on the Parent, obeys him, shows his weakness, lack of independence, shifts responsibility, is capricious, and so on.
A child “wakes up” in a mature person when he is creative, looks for creative ideas, spontaneously expresses emotions, plays and has fun. The Child's position is a source of spontaneity and sexuality.
The Child’s behavior, posture, facial expressions and gestures are not contrived, but lively and active; they express true feelings and experiences. The Man-Child will easily cry, laugh, lower his head if he feels guilty, pout his lips if he is offended, and so on. His speech is rich and expressive, filled with questions and exclamations.
Adult
The Adult I-state is called upon to regulate and adapt the impulses of the Child and Parent in order to maintain mental balance. This is a state of balance, calm, restraint. When solving a problem, an Adult will consider it from all sides, analyze it, draw conclusions, make a forecast, draw up an action plan and implement it. He communicates not from a position “above” as a Parent or “from below” as a Child, but on an equal basis, as a partner. An adult is confident in himself, speaks calmly, coldly and only to the point. He differs from the Parent in his dispassion, insensibility and emotionlessness.
Each of the three ego states can be defined as a strategy for influencing another person. The child manipulates, taking the position “I want!”, The parent – “I must!”, The adult – combining “I want” and “I must”.
For example, in a married couple where the husband occupies the position of Parent, the wife can consciously manipulate him by taking the position of Child. She knows that she only has to cry for her husband to do everything she wants.
If the I-states of two people complement each other, that is, the transactional stimulus entails an appropriate and natural reaction, communication will go smoothly and last a very long time. Otherwise, misunderstandings, misunderstandings, quarrels, conflicts and other communication problems arise.
For example, Adult-Adult or Parent-Child communication will go smoothly. If the first interlocutor addresses the second from the position of an Adult and expects that he is also an Adult, but receives a Child’s response, difficulties may arise.
For example:
- We're late, we need to hurry up. (Adult to Adult)
- This is all because you are disorganized! (Parent to Child)
There are much more complex and confusing transactions. For example, when communication occurs at the verbal level at the Adult-Adult level, and at the non-verbal level Adult-
Child. If the phrase “I don’t agree with you,” characteristic of an Adult, is pronounced with offense, this is the position of a Child.
Transactional analysis begins with the designation of the I-states of the participants in the interaction. This is necessary in order to determine the nature of relationships and the influence of people on each other.
Each self-state has both a positive and a negative aspect. It’s good when a person knows how to combine all these three positions: to be a cheerful Child, a caring Parent, and a reasonable Adult.
What self-state do you notice in yourself most often?
According to the concept of relations by V.N. Myasishchev, a position means “the integration of a person’s dominant selective relations in any issue that is significant to him. It determines the nature of the individual’s experiences, the characteristics of the perception of reality, the nature of behavioral reactions to external influences.”
Theoretical analysis showed that the terms “parental position, attitude, attitude, education” are often used as synonyms in the scientific literature
Thus, A.S. Spivakovskaya considers the parental position as a real orientation, which is based on a conscious or unconscious assessment of the child, expressed in the methods and forms of interaction with children. From the point of view of A. S. Spivakovskaya, parental positions are manifested in interaction with the child and represent an interweaving of conscious and unconscious motives. She believes that, as a set of attitudes, parental attitudes exist on three levels: emotional, cognitive and behavioral. The author characterizes parental positions according to the following parameters:
- * Adequacy is the degree of orientation of parents in the perception of the individual characteristics of the child, his development, the relationship between the qualities objectively inherent in the child and the qualities visible and recognized by the parents. The adequacy of the parents’ position is manifested in the degree and sign of distortions in the perception of the child’s image. Thus, the adequacy parameter describes the cognitive component of the interaction between parents and child.
- * Dynamism - the degree of mobility of parental positions, the ability to change the methods and forms of interaction with the child. Dynamism can manifest itself:
- a) in the child’s perception: creating a changeable portrait of the child, or operating with a static portrait created once and for all;
- b) the degree of flexibility of forms and methods of interaction in connection with age-related changes in the child;
- c) in the degree of variability of the impact on the child in accordance with different situations, due to changing conditions of interaction.
Thus, the dynamism parameter describes the cognitive and behavioral components of parental positions.
* Predictiveness - the ability of parents to extrapolate, foresee the prospects for the further development of the child and the ability to build further interaction with him.
Thus, predictiveness determines both the depth of the child’s perception by parents, i.e., describes the cognitive component of the parental position, and special forms of interaction with children, i.e., the behavioral component of the parental position.
The emotional component is manifested in all three parameters (adequacy, dynamism, predictability) of the parental position. It is expressed in the emotional coloring of the child’s image, in the predominance of one or another emotional background in the interaction: parents - children.
From the point of view of T.V. Arkhireeva, parental positions are realized in the behavior of the father and mother in one or another type of upbringing, i.e. in certain methods of influence and the nature of treatment of the child. She identified three main factors characterizing parental positions: “overprotection - lack of parental care”, “lack of democracy in relations with the child - democracy”, “diktat in upbringing - rejection of authoritarianism.
A. A. Chekalina points out that parental positions are a system of parental attitudes that determine the strategy and tactics of parental behavior. In turn, parental attitudes are defined by the author as the willingness of parents to act in a certain situation on the basis of their emotional and value-based attitude to the elements of this situation.
The parental position can be conscious, when there is a relationship and interaction with the child, reflected by the parent, and unconscious, when the interaction between the parent and the child is subject to the influence of the parent’s unconscious motivation.
Summarizing the content of the components of parental positions, M. O. Ermikhina notes the following. The cognitive component includes ideas about the real and ideal image of the child, about the existing positions of the parent, about one’s own parental position. The emotional component represents the dominant emotional background, judgments and assessments regarding the real image of the child, their parental positions and regarding the interaction between parents and children. The behavioral component contains the communicative positions of parents, the prognostic aspect (planning) of further interaction with the child.
A typical parental position is the “above”, “on top” position. An adult has strength, experience, independence. In contrast, a child is physically weak, inexperienced, and completely dependent. The ideal parental position that spouses should strive for is equality of position. It means recognition of the active role of the child in the process of his upbringing. In most cases, the attention of researchers is directed to the study of unfavorable parental positions that develop in functionally insolvent families and have negative consequences for the formation of the personality of adolescents
R.V. Ovcharova considers the parental position as an integral system of parental relations: attitude towards parenthood, attitude towards the parental role, attitude towards oneself as a parent, attitude towards the child and attitude towards educational practice.
Thus, according to the researcher, the attitude towards parenthood in general can be characterized through the prism of its perception by parents as happy, bringing pride and joy; heavy, causing trouble; requiring efforts for self-development, self-change in the personality of the father and mother; promoting their self-realization.
The attitude towards the parental (paternal, maternal) role is manifested in acceptance, rejection, or ambivalent attitude towards both one’s own role and the role of the other parent; adequate acceptance of one’s own parental role (father or mother). In this case, it is important not only to accept your own role, but also the role of your partner. Failure to accept the parental role by the father leads to a change in the parental position of the mother, and vice versa.
The attitude towards oneself as a parent is manifested in the dichotomies confident - insecure, compliant - dominant, kind-hearted - demanding, trusting - distrustful.
The attitude towards the child can be emotionally balanced, or with an excessive concentration of attention on the child, distantly indifferent. It is possible for parents to have a contradictory attitude towards their child, the variability of which is determined by the child’s achievements or failures, the parents’ mood and many other factors.
Attitude to educational practice is manifested in the responsibility or irresponsibility of parents; consistency or inconsistency of their educational influences on the child; in their educational confidence or uncertainty.
According to the results of research by O.A. Karabanova identified the following most characteristic features of parents’ ideas about themselves as a parent.
“I am real. 1. Parents in the overwhelming majority of cases highly assess the level of their emotional acceptance of the child, but quite often it is realized only at the level of experience and awareness and does not find adequate expression in the communication and joint activities of parents with the child. The inconsistency between the affective and objective-effective (behavioral) levels of a child’s emotional acceptance is due to various reasons. In the case of a problematic parent-child relationship, they are as follows:
- - parents’ orientation towards socially desirable examples of the parental role due to the hypersocialization of the parent and his desire for perfectionism in the absence/deficiency of deep parental feelings for the child;
- - low communicative competence in relation to the development of operational and technical means of communication (verbal and non-verbal), inability to express love and acceptance of the child in an effective form;
- - parents’ orientation towards authoritarian stereotypes of upbringing, structuring parent-child relationships according to the type of dominance - submission, where the parent’s open expression of love and acceptance of the child is considered as an undesirable manifestation of the “weakness” of the parental discipline system. This type of orientation is typical of the traditional understanding of paternal rather than maternal love.
- 2. Low criticality of parents in assessing their parental qualities and level of parental competence. As a rule, only the low efficiency of the family education system and the existence of difficulties in understanding, interaction and cooperation in child-parent relationships are recognized.
I am perfect. Characterizes the characteristics of parents' ideas about the standard of qualities and role behavior of a parent. Parents attach great importance to the block of characteristics of emotional acceptance and interaction with the child and the block of communicative qualities. When building relationships with a child, according to parents, it is necessary to proceed from the principles of equality and respect for his personality, to recognize his right to freedom to choose his own path of development. At the same time, most parents believe that the principles they declare can be implemented only when a certain level of “independence and responsibility” is achieved by the child, and until that moment they must retain the function of unconditional leadership, guardianship and control.”
“A distinctive feature of the relationship between the images of the real self and the ideal self of parents experiencing difficulties in the process of raising children was the disharmony of their assessment of their real parental qualities and ideas about the desired “ideal” qualities. Based on the works of K. Rogers, K. Horney and R. Burns, three types of disharmony in the relationship between the real Self and the ideal Self were identified. Firstly, the replacement of the real Self with the ideal Self - the parent evaluates himself as perfect and impeccable in fulfilling his parental role, the image of “I as a parent” distorts reality. Secondly, the replacement of the ideal Self with the real Self - the parent is uncritical of fulfilling his paternal or maternal role, is completely satisfied with his behavior as a teacher, his orientation towards self-development and self-improvement is weakly expressed, there is no psychological readiness to work on himself. And thirdly, there is a significant gap between the ideal self and the real self, which leaves no opportunity for setting specific realistic goals for improving the parental position. The described types of disharmony in the relationship of images “I as a parent” (I-real and I-ideal) determine the incongruence (K. Rogers) of the parent in communicating with the child and significantly complicate the communication process.