Surely, no one will argue that communicating with people is a difficult task. Without realizing it, we feel how some people subtly manipulate us, while from the outside, communication does not go beyond the bounds of decency.
A passive-aggressive interlocutor is a person who monotonously “drinks” your strength, feeds on your energy. In turn, this is very difficult to understand, because such people seem polite and do not violate personal boundaries, but this is only at first glance. Upon closer examination, it becomes clear that the person is simply a “vampire.”
Every person needs to learn to detect signs of passive aggression, and estet-portal.com will help you with this.
Features of passive aggression: how to identify
Passive aggressor- this is a person whose main feature of behavior is that under any circumstances he tries to extinguish his anger. Unable and unwilling to express his negative emotions, such a person accumulates resentment and anger. Over time, there are so many of them that the aggressor has to throw out his emotions on other people, while carefully veiling his true motives.
You will never hear obvious criticism or dissatisfaction from a passive aggressor, however, relationships with him, sooner or later, will turn into a real nightmare. You can learn how to recognize this type of personality and learn to resist it from the information provided in this article.
Sabotage is the essence of a passive aggressor
The standard case is that management gives a subordinate a task, but he is in no hurry to complete it, due to the fact that this work is not to his “liking.” A person will delay until the last minute, squirm, avoid solving the task at hand, in the hope that everything will “resolve” on its own, that the task will be transferred to another employee.
To do this, the passive aggressor pretends that he doesn’t have time, that he can’t cope, and in general that he can’t do it, although in reality this is not the case - he just doesn’t want to do any work through force. In any case, the work process will be sabotaged and the aggressor will get his way.
Anger is the hidden emotion of a passive aggressor
Often, passive aggression affects people from families where a hostile atmosphere constantly reigns. Parents who are always arguing, who periodically throw fists at each other, cause protest in the child, which in adulthood results in a desire to avoid open conflicts in every possible way.
But, as we understand, aggression does not go away; it accumulates and grows, periodically transforming and pouring out on others in the form of constant dissatisfaction and critical assessments. Carefully hiding his real feelings, the passive aggressor in any situation will assure you that everything is fine, that everything suits him. But, it is enough just to feel the intonation of the voice to understand that all this is a bluff and the person is dissatisfied.
The people discussed in this article avoid direct confrontation and will never directly say what makes them unhappy. At the same time, they will try to impose on you the idea that you are inadequate, cruel and soulless. It might sound something like this: “Of course, do as you please, why should you think about how I feel? Who cares about my condition?
Provocation is a favorite pastime of a passive aggressor
Passive aggression is a condition in which the aggressor always tries to keep “face.” He will never show his obvious anger and will restrain his feelings and emotions until the end.
Silent is their most favorite game. Passing the buck for the conflict on the shoulders of another person, the aggressor always understands what he is “doing.” His goal is to infuriate you, thereby making himself white and fluffy. As a result, you will hear banal phrases “I told you that you don’t care” - this is pure provocation, which you should not succumb to. You will scream furiously, and the passive aggressor will nod his head and say that he knew what kind of person you were from the very beginning.
Denunciation and passive aggressor: synonymous words
The passive aggressor is filled with a whole bunch of unexpressed negative emotions. This could be anger, envy, hatred and other feelings for which there is no outlet. As a result, a person cannot stand it, and it becomes urgent for him to “drain” all his negativity, to get rid of the accumulated burden.
To achieve this, tricks such as denunciations and gossip are used. You will never hear in your “eyes” that you are wrong or that they are offended at you; you will learn about this from mutual acquaintances or management. You may ask, what is the point of all these actions? The answer is simple - a passive aggressor wants to be attractive and kind in the eyes of others, and for this he will do everything possible and impossible.
If you manage to recognize an aggressor among your colleagues in time, stay away from him, otherwise he may not only choose you as a victim, but his hidden actions can seriously harm even your career.
Passive aggression is the exact antonym of responsibility
In any life circumstances, a passive aggressor avoids responsibility, responsibility for his choice, for his actions. He will blame his parents for not giving him anything, his loved one for depriving him of opportunities. You and only you will be to blame for all his everyday mistakes and work failures.
For everyone, the passive aggressor has his own version of reality, according to which he is a good and unhappy person, and everyone else is a tyrant. Infantile behavior worsens with age, a person begins to believe in his own decency and “exclusivity”. Being next to a passive aggressor and proving the opposite to him, you are simply wasting time, because he does not intend to give up his personal assessment, under any circumstances.
How to resist a passive aggressor
Psychologists say that most people prone to passive aggression are not even aware of their own “illness.” The trauma received in childhood leads to the fact that the child tries with all his might to protect himself in adulthood, but this does not mean that he does not need to resist.
In order to stop passive aggressor, the following steps must be taken:
Fighting tactics. If a person regularly ignores your request not to be late, warn that next time you will leave if he is late for more than 10 minutes, and you should speak respectfully, without insults.
Dialogue. Since the passive aggressor himself does not know what he is doing, it is worth speaking to him in his own language - peacefully, but convincingly. Explain to the person that you are tormented and stressed by his avoidance of the conflict and hushing up the problem.
Logical chain. If your spouse is the passive aggressor, then over time you will learn to notice when a person is out of sorts. You shouldn’t organize a boycott in response, on the contrary, try to understand why your loved one does this, maybe at some points you went too far.
If it happens in your life that you cannot avoid communicating with a passive-aggressive person, then you should understand one golden rule - you are not to blame for anything. There is no need to look for the reason in yourself, for such a person, his behavior is the norm, and he will always find someone to blame, not you, but someone else.
What you need to know to protect yourself
Passive aggression is something that needs to be confronted. Clearly build your boundaries and go to the end if you are confident that you are right. A passive aggressor will stop at nothing and will go to the end to express his secret desires. If you feel that you are wrong in something, accept it and correct it, but nothing more - you should not take responsibility for something you did not do.
There is no need to make retaliatory attacks, this will only provoke a greater intensity of emotions, and only on your part. The passive aggressor will continue to pretend to be an unhappy “sheep”, complaining to everyone about how he is misunderstood and offended.
In particularly severe cases, when a passive aggressor puts pressure on you, you should not endure it; seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will help you see the situation from the outside and get out of it with the slightest loss to your mental health.
In order not to lose faith in your own strength, remember that everything the passive aggressor talks about is not about you, it’s just convenient and necessary for him. Take care of yourself and your personal space by not allowing toxic people to enter your territory. Remember that in this situation, your mental state is a healthy assessment of what is happening and self-control.
Read even more interesting things about emotional and psychological health at estet-portal.com.
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone has encountered it in their lives (and some regularly take it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed very, very rarely in our culture.
A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword. Just without the sword. (joke)
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone has encountered it in their lives (and some regularly take it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed very, very rarely in our culture. More often you can hear something like: “She has a bad character” or “He is an energy vampire: he doesn’t seem to do anything bad, but after communicating with him you feel very bad.” People usually don’t know that no esoteric things have anything to do with it, and no vampires are to blame. It's just that the person you're having such a hard time with actually treats you passive-aggressively on a regular basis.
Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed in a socially acceptable form, while the aggressor does not outwardly go beyond social norms.
(When I was looking for material for the article, I suddenly realized where exactly a lot of passive-aggressive reactions can be found: on forums where daughters-in-law complain about their mothers-in-law. And I collected a number of examples in the LiveJournal community “mother-in-law-ru”). So, examples:
For Christmas my mother-in-law gave me a box with a jar of jam. When I opened the gift, she said that the jam was for all the guests, not just me, and she needed the box back.
During the wedding photo shoot, my mother-in-law turned to the photographer with a request to take a family photo - the four of us and without me. I was ready to simply kiss this small, bald man when he remarked: “Sorry, madam, but your family no longer includes only four. The bride must be present in every photo!”
My mother-in-law once gave me a Bible, a cross necklace, and a cookbook called "How to Cook Pork Chops" for my birthday. The card (with Jesus) said that she hoped I had changed my mind and she could save me. Did I mention I'm Jewish? I told her throughout the 7 years of our marriage that I did NOT plan to change my religion. Her husband told her not to worry about gifts anymore if she couldn't help but focus on religion. He added that he loved me and was thinking about converting to Judaism! He's not planning anything like that, but he wanted to rub it in her nose.
Every Christmas my mother-in-law gives me a broken candlestick. When I open the box we "discover" that the glass is broken. The mother-in-law feigns surprise every time and takes the box to take it to the store and exchange it. The next year I receive the same gift.
The mother-in-law likes to give gifts in order to quarrel between her grandchildren. Last year[...] she gave the kids $35 and said that the oldest two should get 12 and the youngest should get 11. All three of them looked at her like she was crazy, and of course we didn't let that happen.
My ex-husband's family exchanged gifts at Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and we went out of our way to buy gifts for everyone. In return they received very strange things, and always one gift per family. For example, a jar of M&M candies for everyone. This upset the children because all the children received their own gift, and ours received a jar of candy for the family. One day, each grandchild received a really nice gift, and ours received a book worth 89 cents. That was the last time we went there.
My husband's stepmother came over while we were away and stole some potted flowers that were on my porch. Then she said that she did this because we didn’t give them anything for their wedding anniversary. I never received these flowers back. By the way, she never gave us anything for our anniversary.
It was difficult to even choose specific examples from the many stories: judging by the complaints of women, mothers-in-law are extremely inventive in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law. They interfere in the affairs of a young family (“I wish you well!”), give gifts bordering on offensive (and pretend that they didn’t mean anything like that), extort certain actions from their son and daughter-in-law (gratitude for a cheap trinket or so that they Definitely, DEFINITELY go on vacation there and as the in-laws say)…. Well, the classic: breaking into the young people’s room at every opportunity, even in the middle of the night (“I have things there, in the closet” or “I’ll just adjust the blanket on them - they sleep like doves!”). At the same time, it is noticeable that daughters-in-law (and sons) are not very happy with interference, unsolicited advice and gifts, moralizing and barbs. Because people fully feel that they were treated aggressively, an uninvited company was imposed on them, and personal boundaries were broken into.
Was there any aggression shown in these cases? Without a doubt. The daughters-in-law in all the stories cited were outraged, although they reacted differently (not everyone was led to a scandal).
Was aggression expressed openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: such an aggressor never crosses the boundaries of what is socially acceptable. After all, it’s customary to give gifts to relatives? Well, the mother-in-law will do it quite socially. Ah, the gift was unsuccessful - well, not all gifts are successful. But from the bottom of my heart, accompanied by “maternal advice.” (In fact, unsolicited - but also socially acceptable; after all, it is quite customary for an older woman to give good advice to an inexperienced and younger one).
That is, due to the fact that social norms were not grossly violated, it is difficult to find fault with a passive aggressor. But the victim, the victim understands perfectly well how they treated her! The victim is not happy and is not very easy to persuade: “Never mind, it’s okay.” She felt full-fledged aggression directed at her: she (or her children) were placed lower than others, an adult woman was treated like a childish fool, or, by distributing material values, she was demonstratively deprived of status. This is what it is – aggression, only expressed in a passive form.
How to recognize passive aggression?
Oh, when someone is passive aggressive towards you, you will notice it instantly. You may not have known this term before, but you will feel a painful prick. A passive aggressor usually is not rude and does not enter into open confrontation. He doesn’t raise his voice or start scandals himself, but conflict situations often flare up around him. For some reason, many people just want to be rude and yell at this innocent person. And even after short-term communication with such a person, you want to take your soul away - it becomes so unpleasant and difficult, your mood deteriorates so much.
Such people often themselves know that there are many “ill-wishers” or simply bad, malicious people around them. The passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate being mistreated and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who won’t “send” it back).
Passive-aggressive people do not demand anything - they complain and reproach; they don’t ask - they hint casually (so that they won’t find fault later). They are never to blame for their troubles - well, at least they don’t believe it themselves. Others are necessarily to blame, evil fate, a bad education system, “everything in this country is structured this way,” etc. (By the way: one of the effective methods of psychotherapy is to gradually bring a person with passive-aggressive behavior to an awareness of how he himself and his actions influence the reactions of others.
In fact, most often it turns out that this is not a person surrounded by malicious, stupid scum, but ordinary, normal people for some reason are not happy when receiving a dose of passive aggression. But it’s usually not easy to get to this point, and “psychologically treating” people without their direct request is also, by the way, a form of mild aggression, so please don’t try to “re-educate” anyone with the best intentions, okay?).
Here is a short list of manifestations of passive aggression:
They do not speak directly about their desires and needs (they hint or silently expect others to understand them without words). They will never say openly what they like and what they don’t - you always have to guess. They say about such people: “you can’t please him”;
They are not the first to start a scandal, although they often provoke it;
In especially severe cases, they can even start a “guerrilla war” against the one who is ill-wishing - gossip, plot against the unsuspecting “offender”;
They often break their obligations: they promise and then don’t fulfill them, they sabotage, they masterfully shirk. The point here is that the passive-aggressive person was initially against it and did not want to do what was agreed upon with him, but he could not say “no”. So he said “yes” and simply did nothing. And I didn’t intend to right away;
They are often late: this is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where you didn’t want to go;
What is promised is often postponed for a long time under a variety of pretexts. They do it reluctantly, poorly and at the very last moment. Yes, by the way, procrastination, which is fashionable today, can also be a form of passive aggression;
Often unproductive, they use the so-called. “Italian strike” - that is, they seem to be doing it, but there is still no result. This is another way to indirectly say: “I don’t like this, I don’t want to do this!”, without entering into open conflict;
By the way, passive-aggressive individuals often have a reputation as unreliable people who cannot be relied upon - precisely because of the above characteristics;
They gossip, complain about others (behind their backs), and get offended. They are often indignant and dissatisfied that those around them behave badly, the world is unfair, the state is structured incorrectly, the bosses are clueless, they are under terrible pressure at work and are not appreciated, etc. They see the cause of their troubles externally and do not connect them in any way with their own actions. They reproach others for unreasonable demands, for the authorities’ injustice towards them, for the fact that their efforts are not appreciated (they especially love to blame and pour contempt on authorities of any rank behind their backs);
Critical and sarcastic. They reach great heights in their ability to “put down” a person with one poisonous word and devalue his achievements or good intentions. They actively criticize and practically do not praise - since this will allow the other to “gain power” by learning what the passive-aggressive person likes or does not like;
They masterfully avoid direct discussions of problems. “Punished” with silence. They stubbornly do not explain why they are offended, but non-verbally make it clear that the offense is strong and it will not be easy to atone for it. They provoke the interlocutor to express dissatisfaction and take the first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it was not the passive-aggressive person who started it, which means that it is not he who is to blame, but the opponent);
During open disputes, the passive-aggressive person gets personal, recalls the old things, finds something to blame the opponent for, and tries to the last to shift the blame onto others;
Under the guise of caring, they behave as if the other person is disabled, stupid, inferior, etc. (a classic example is when a daughter-in-law finishes cleaning the apartment and discovers that her mother-in-law is crawling with a rag, wiping the newly washed floor. In response to the young woman’s surprised questions, the mother-in-law carefully says: “Oh, baby, don’t worry about it, it’s just customary for us to the house was clean.” Naturally, after such a display of passive aggression, the daughter-in-law will quietly fly into a rage, but it is not customary to be rude to a polite tone and ostentatious “concern” - well, that means there will be a scandal in the young family in the evening).
Where does this come from? The Origins of Passive Aggression
Like almost all personality traits, passive aggression comes from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one of the parents (or both) was unpredictable and domineering, it is difficult for him to express his demands, wishes, and indignations. This gives rise to an underlying feeling of danger, severe anxiety.
If a child is punished for displaying anger or assertiveness, he learns to achieve his goals in roundabout ways, and not to express disagreement and anger outwardly, but to show it in passive ways.
For example, on one of the forums, while discussing passive-aggressive behavior, a participant stated: “Oh, it was exactly like that in my family! It was dangerous for us to be indignant and not just demand something, but also ask for it - mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, punish me... I remember, even to get a tape recorder for the New Year, I didn’t ask my parents, but built complex schemes: how with hints and circumstance, to make them guess...” In fact, such a child grows up in conditions where open resistance is impossible (due to economic and physical dependence on parents), and usually masterfully masters the skills of “guerrilla warfare.”
Passive-aggressive people are sure that the world is a dangerous place, and that opening up in it and trusting people is more expensive for themselves. And if others find out what exactly frightens you, angers you, or is especially desirable, then they will also gain control over you. Control games are another form of passive aggression. To demand or ask something from another means to expose yourself, to show your weakness and dependence. This means that people can play on your desires (and the world, according to passive-aggressive people, is hostile and fighting it is deadly). Therefore, to openly want something or directly refuse something means giving control over your life to someone else’s hands. Therefore, passive-aggressive people do not directly express their desires, but answer “yes” to any other person’s request, after which they become gloomy, angry inside themselves and do not do it, making the excuse of forgetfulness and the fact that they “didn’t have time.”
By the way, I note that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: it is girls who are more often stopped from displaying stubbornness, energy and anger. Therefore, many women grow up confident that if they are “correct, truly feminine” (delicate, always sweet, non-assertive), they will definitely “come to them and bring everything.” And if they don’t, then you’re doing something wrong, for example, you’re brazenly demanding a lot; a loving man must figure it out himself and please his beloved woman; and her job is to gradually lead him to the right idea. If you can’t put your desires into another person’s head, then suffer in silence, like a partisan, and let your loved one listen: “figure it out for yourself,” “is it really not clear,” “if you loved me, you would know,” and “do as Want". Yes, this is also a hidden struggle for power and games of control; if you openly say: “Do me such and such, I want it,” then you can hear a direct refusal (“Not now, I don’t have time”), and even, having received what you want, make sure that it is not happiness brought. And what does it mean that whoever demanded it is himself to blame? No, it’s better to hint, get (or not get) what you want, and if there is no satisfaction, then all the blame is on the one who read the thoughts incorrectly.
Numerous courses today “How to become a feminine woman” often provoke and support the development of a passive-aggressive personality in their students. In courses with the typical title “become desirable in a weekend” they teach: a woman cannot, in no way, take initiative - you need to be gentle, helpless, alluring, and everything in your life will work out right on its own. After all, when a strong and active man sees that a feminine woman is suffering, unable to get something she needs, he will definitely understand everything and will do everything for you, get it and give it to you! But doing something yourself: demanding, achieving, giving up unnecessary things, asking and taking care of yourself on your own - is under no circumstances possible. Well, this is unfeminine! So either suffer for what you didn’t bring, or twist the hands of those around you: hint, gradually lead to your idea, “create conditions.” In general, passive aggression is what it is.
What to do if you meet a passive-aggressive type on your way?
Firstly, it is worth knowing that a passive-aggressive person provokes others, but does not start a conflict himself. Do not succumb to provocations - your “explosion of emotions” will not help clarify the relationship, but will only give you a reputation as a brawler in the eyes of others. Take your soul elsewhere, complain to friends and family, but do not give such a gift to the passive-aggressive person, do not show yourself as “bad” and “scandalous.” Do not trust a passive-aggressive person with your secrets and information that could harm you if disclosed.
Call what is happening and your feelings by your own names. Don't blame the other person, just say, "When such and such happens, I usually get upset." For example: “When the whole department leaves for lunch and forgets to call me, I feel sad.” There is no need to blame (“you do it on purpose!”), no need to generalize (“you always!”). Tell us about your feelings, how sad and bad you feel. The passive-aggressive person himself is afraid as hell of being blamed for other people’s troubles, and it’s better for those around him to know that for you it’s not “nothing happened,” but something upsetting.
Do not expect that such a person will understand you and re-educate you (even if you retell this article to him). Most likely, this will not happen on its own. Passive-aggressive individuals usually do not come to psychotherapy because there is something wrong with them: usually they complain about bad people around them (who, of course, are to blame for everything), or about other psychological problems (for example, depression) , or they are forced to appear by loved ones who cannot bear to live together. published
Some people think that passive aggression is the best way to resolve conflicts. But that's not true. Not only does this tactic lead to enormous frustration, but it is also an incredibly counterproductive action on the part of the passive-aggressive person because he or she does not gain any real insight from it.
“And for the person who is the target of passive aggression, experiencing this type of treatment can make you feel crazy,” explains Scott Wetzler.
Wetzler, PhD, is chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center, and the author of Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man. “You are told that everything is fine, but you feel tension in your relationship. You know something is going on, but the other person is hiding it from you.”“At its core, this behavior is embellished hostility,” Wetzler explains. “So, for example, instead of directly denying your request, these people... indirectly do not do what you expect them to do.”
Passive-aggressive behavior, expressed in many ways, has the same root: it is based on fear and an attempt to avoid direct conflict, coupled with feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. Result? A silent power struggle that can be expressed in different ways, for example:
- Sarcasm
- Silence
- Avoiding direct contact
- Lack of praise
- Criticism
- Sabotage
- Lateness
- Failure to comply with a request
“Sometimes this passive-aggressive behavior is intentional because the passive-aggressive person wants the other to be the first to engage in conflict, but often the behavior is completely unintentional,” says California psychiatrist Andrea Brandt, MD, author of “ 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness and Mindful Anger: The Emotional Path To Freedom. “They find people who give them a boost,” Dr. Brandt explains. “They direct passive aggression at people who cannot give them an answer and who are easily angered.”
Brandt believes that sometimes people are passive aggressive because of their upbringing. For example, people who grew up in a family where one parent is dominant over the other are more likely to be passive aggressive. “They learn that strong and unstable people cannot be approached directly, but they you can lie or keep things secret from them to get what you want, she explains. - For example, we all heard the following phrase in childhood: “We won’t tell this to your father.” It's passiveaggressive behavior".
While we all express passive aggression from time to time (just remember the last time you said “yes” when you meant “no”), there are some people who are more prone to this behavior. People who avoid or fear conflict are more likely to engage in passive-aggressive behavior, as are people with low self-esteem and self-confidence, “because you haven't been given permission to express your feelings, especially anger,” says Andrea Brandt.
What's the best way to communicate with a passive-aggressive person?
1. Call the behavior by its real name: hostility.“Recognizing and recognizing this behavior for what it really is means recognizing that it is a type of hostility and not being fooled by its harmlessness and subtlety,” advises Wetzler. “When you recognize it as a type of hostility, you have the opportunity to deal with it.”
The biggest mistake people make is that they are condescending. Once you give in to passive-aggressive behavior, you lose the ability to resist it: it is important to see that it is a power struggle and use typical fighting tactics.
2. Set limits and follow them."Clearly d Please understand that you will not tolerate such behavior» , says Wetzler. If a person is constantly late and it bothers you, let him or her know that the next time he or she is late to, say, a movie, you will just go alone. "It's a way of setting a limit," Wetzler explains. “It’s also a way of saying you’re not going to put up with this or back down.”
3. Speak specifically, not generally. If you are going to confront a passive-aggressive person, be clear about the problem. The danger of confrontation is that your statements may sound too general. For example, phrases such as “You always do this!” will get you nowhere. Therefore, it is important to talk to the person about a specific action. For example, if his silence begins to get on your nerves, explain it with a specific example where he remained silent, but for you it looked like a manifestation of hostility. “Call a spade a spade,” advises Wetzler.
4. Practicepositively-affirmative communication.« There is aggressive communication, there is passive communication, and there is passive-aggressive communication. None of these types of communication are positive» , says Andrea Brandt.
Positive-affirmative communication means that you respond in a positive, non-hostile, respectful tone. “You're confident, collaborative, and there's a sense that you both want to solve the problem in a way that everyone wins,” says Dr. Brandt. It is also important to listen and not make the conversation worse with accusations. “You're not just trying to get your way, but you're taking the other person's point of view. Acknowledging this person and their feelings does not mean you have to agree with them.”
Okay, everyone is passive-aggressive sometimes. But how to stop if you find that you have already started to behave this way?
1. Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness,advises Brandt. By listening to yourself and your feelings, you can identify when your actions are inconsistent with your feelings and thoughts (this is how passive aggression begins), she says.
Making people aware that this behavior is also a form of self-sabotage means giving them a solution to the problem. “The fact that they didn't turn in a project on time or didn't get a promotion doesn't correlate with them engaging in passive-aggressive behavior,” Wetzler says. “They think, ‘Oh, my boss is tyrannical and unfair,’ but they don’t think that this could be related to their job.”
It is also important to understand that anger, which is the root of this behavior, is not an inherently negative emotion. "Anger has many positive qualities: it tells you something is wrong, it can help you focus, evaluate your values and goals, and strengthen your relationships and connections," Brandt explains. So when you feel angry for some reason, don't be afraid to express your emotions and direct them towards those concerned (just use a positive-affirmative form of communication).
Confronting the fear of conflict can minimize passive aggression. According to Dr. Wetzler's observations, more often than not, trying to mitigate this behavior can lead to even greater conflict. “It’s good if the open conflict can be resolved. However, it will inevitably grow because of what was swept under the rug, because there was disagreement between the two sides in the first place, he explains. -You will have to bring your feelings to the surface and clarify the situation. Therefore, positive-affirmative communication, the desire to engage in confrontation and conflict, resolving them in a constructive manner, will require somewhat more effort.”
Ultimately, stopping passive-aggressive behavior requires figuring out what you want and getting rid of everything else. Some people are so aware of what other people think of them and expect of them that they simply go along with it, to their own detriment. “They do not think about what they themselves want, but only about what others want from them.”
So the solution is to listen to your own voice. "Get rid of external voices," Wetzler says. “Then you will understand which direction to move in.”
Don’t say “yes” and “no”, don’t take black and white..."
children's counting rhyme.
"No way, no way." This saying epitomizes a process that psychologists call "passive aggression."
A phrase consisting of two processes that contradict each other. Passivity for us personifies the extreme form of inaction, and aggression is nothing more than the embodiment of the active principle.
Thus, we are dealing with two processes that are opposite in direction, but manage to coexist together.
One of my friends told the story of how she found herself alone with a young man in the compartment of a night train and fought his advances all night. Can you imagine? All night "no whoa, no." How was it necessary to refuse so that the other person would continue not to hear or understand? After all, we were not talking about a deranged rapist, but an ordinary man who showed his desire and was persistent in this.
Another example occurs in my teaching work. A capable and intelligent listener cannot begin the practice. She has everything for this. And we are not talking about self-doubt, this is just a superficial excuse.
In practical classes, she demonstrates good skills and knowledge, asks the right questions and accurately notes deep processes. She has already filed a patent and even rented an office for work. But he doesn’t begin to consult.
To define passive aggression, I want to immediately outline the fact that it can be both a person’s habitual psychological defense and a persistent personal characteristic, an important part of the personality that determines his character and life. Therefore, you can encounter features of the described process both in yourself and in many people at different points in life.
What are the main characteristics of a passive-aggressive personality?
Before us is a rebel, a professional revolutionary, a partisan who does not give up. He's always against it. Even when it is unprofitable for him. The proverb “to spite my mother I’ll freeze my ears off” is about them.When he enters a room (a process, a relationship, etc.) he is the first to notice shortcomings. He immediately sees that this is not the case and will not remain silent. He will say it in a sharp, ironic, caustic manner. Will pry you off. True, he will do this not directly, not personally, but in an indefinite form to a third party. For example: “Well, of course, it never occurred to anyone to ventilate the room before classes.”
You might admire his ability to see inconsistencies if it were all presented in an ethical manner. But the job of a passive-aggressive personality is not to correct shortcomings. She doesn't care about the result. She needs a process. And this process is a struggle. Not an open battle to win. Namely, a struggle, better hidden, but stubborn and endless.
He will fight everything and everyone. If not with anyone outside, then with yourself inside. The price doesn't matter. As I already said, the process is important, but not the result.
These are people of process, fighters on invisible fronts with invisible enemies.
In contact with them, you may be surprised at how simple things turn into insurmountable ones. How an easy step becomes impossible, and a simple action turns into an endless confusing process. You are surprised and outraged by why the task was not completed, although there were no obstacles.
Why, instead of a simple decision and action, does a person continue to ask clarifying questions that lead away from the meaning? Why, having agreed yesterday, nothing happened today.
When you are around him, you will inevitably begin to feel angry. It's as if you are being provoked and teased. And when you break down, they immediately point out your bad character or lack of proper upbringing.
Let's look at each component. Let's start with anger or aggression. It exists, but it is looking for indirect exits. Sarcasm, irony, teasing, provocation. Everything is used to give vent to anger. The main thing is to do this in an indirect way.
So, let’s emphasize the first significant component. There is anger and there is a lot of it. This means that a person has energy. There is a lot of it and it will be enough for everything he needs. Therefore, when our character turns for support and asks for advice, help, support, be careful! Whatever you give him will not be of any use.
My favorite psychological game (Eric Berne, psychological game theory, Transactional Analysis) is called “Yes, but...” It looks like this: you were asked for advice, you gave it, and an objection immediately follows. Yes, says the person asking, but I have already tried it, done it, etc. AND NOTHING GOOD HAPPENED.
If you continue to give other advice and recommendations, then prepare for the same fate to await them. Until a brilliant idea comes to your head, the interlocutor does not need the result. Then what does he need? Now it's time to reveal the second component - passivity.
Passivity in the behavior of a passive-aggressive person is more likely not inaction, but opposition, which is expressed in resistance to those actions that will bring results. Outwardly, it seems that a person is simply not doing something for the sake of a goal. But in reality there is a struggle going on inside him.
He wants a result (who doesn’t?) and resists it. And all his energy, and we remember that there is a lot of it, goes towards resisting this action. Why, you ask, and you would be right? This is, to say the least, strange.
To answer this question, we need to delve into the past of such a person, at the time when this part of the personality is formed. We are at the age of active action from the moment we gain our strength. But we can understand our strength and master it only through contact with others.
Case study:
Maxim grew up an obedient boy. His mother was an extremely anxious woman, full of fears related to her son. These fears made her active in her relationship with him. She knew what a good mother’s child should be like, and that’s why she didn’t listen to Maxim much. Well, how can a little boy know what he needs? And mom always knows.
Therefore, her attitude towards the child resembled more violence than care. From feeding to choosing friends. Swallowing the hated porridge, and then playing the hated scales in the hated music school, Maxim began to look for ways against which his mother was powerless.
For example, he could clench his teeth or pull out. He could simply sit silently over the violin without touching the strings. At these moments, my mother exploded and screamed, but Maxim clearly felt his victory. He felt his strength when the teacher was almost sobbing from powerlessness and anger, and he just stood and remained silent at the blackboard.
And in his childish mind he derived the formula: “Strength is not in action, but in resistance.” Since he was not allowed to realize and feel his own strength in what he wanted to do, then the only opportunity he was guaranteed to receive pleasure from his own strength was when he resisted something. Sometimes later, in his adult life, he caught himself thinking that he was not against what he was opposing, but he could no longer do anything.
In childhood, a passive-aggressive personality has a dramatic experience of such “soft” and sometimes quite severe violence in the form of care and control from parents. And they decided to take revenge. To take revenge by preventing the parent from seeing the result. Therefore, the best thing you can do is not achieve the goal and not get the result.
To hurt the parent so that, in secret hope, he understands how bad the child is. To ask what you want, instead of forcibly feeding what seems right to the parent. Isn't the highest level of revenge on parents not to become happy? After all, one of the important results of parenthood is a happy child. And depriving a parent of this reward becomes the very unconscious goal that a passive-aggressive person strives for.
And the price is not important here. After all, we are talking about the inner Child, to whom he himself is not yet important. The parent is above all, he is the source of life and love. Therefore, you don’t mind freezing your ears.
Thus, two birds with one stone become a trophy in this battle: the opportunity to feel one’s strength (through resistance) and revenge on the parent (through failure to obtain results).
Let me remind you that this process is unconscious. And a person can be sincerely surprised at the lack of results from his actions until he sees that he is his own biggest enemy. That subconsciously he builds the process of action in such a way that the result is impossible. He chooses the wrong people, he does not feel the situation, does not notice important details, does not hear recommendations.
Such people are often late, miss crucial meetings and quarrel with the right people. And they always find justifications and explanations for their behavior. And they even sound convincing. Most often, he sees the reason not in himself, but in other people, in circumstances.
Their problem is to express their needs directly using the power of anger. But they are afraid to show anger, since in childhood this was impossible and dangerous. Therefore, anger, and with it strength and energy, is blocked and turned 180,” that is, against oneself.
Life becomes a continuous struggle to overcome difficulties. Like in the famous video in which the client complains of headaches and problems, while she does not see a huge nail in her head.
Another important trait of the passive-aggressive personality is being stuck in an either/or trap. “Either you eat this porridge, or you are not my son,” my mother said. The parent did not give the child a choice. Either you do as I say, or you lose my love. This trap gets firmly stuck in a way of thinking, which makes the selection process extremely difficult.
Such individuals make good critics and detectives, investigative journalists and satirists. Their keen eye will not miss anything.
They are often good and loyal friends, with a subtle sense of humor and a willingness to help. By the way, humor is also their distinguishing feature. They are extremely ironic. The thing is that anger and humor have one similar function: they relieve tension. And since the passive-aggressive person’s anger is blocked, a lot of energy can come out through humor. So they polish it.
On social media, a passive-aggressive personality is easy to spot. Their area is comments. The fact is that they extremely rarely take the initiative. They are inclined to jump on and ride on “someone else’s horse”, to become noticeable at the expense of someone else. Their comments are critical and sarcastic. They provoke the audience and eventually disappear, confirming that the world and people are imperfect.
As clients, passive-aggressive personality is a test for the counselor. The game “Yes, but” will drive anyone into hysterics. Therefore, the main principle in the work is to give the initiative to the client in determining the goal.
Until you receive an answer to the question “What would you like?”, do not offer anything. The therapist in the transference will become the very parent on whom revenge must be taken. And it will be extremely difficult to wait for changes and progress in the client’s life.
The fact that a passive-aggressive person is often very capable and talented gives hope for quick results. In case a person abandons the idea of revenge and begins to master his power through the direct expression of anger. He will learn to say “no” directly, instead of going into ambush and building catacombs for guerrilla actions.
Instead of “either-or” he will begin to use the pronoun “and”. Both, instead of either/or.
I hope that this information will help you better understand people and yourself, and therefore give you the opportunity to improve your quality of life.
Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve you in interaction with them.
For example, on a plane a man sat next to you and couldn’t sit down. He doesn’t tell you anything directly, doesn’t ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignations, grumbling and grumbling.
Or on the subway there will be someone who likes to listen to loud music or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push you.
Or maybe among your friends there is the King of Irony and Sarcasm, who is not averse to making jokes or making caustic comments on every convenient occasion?
Or among your colleagues there is someone who is always late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely try!) that everyone will pay attention to him.
Or maybe you have a friend for a long time who is trying and trying to start some business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result gets nothing, feeling and expressing mainly irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being you sincerely try to help him, to find a way out of the impasse, you save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying form, or simply give up on him!
Or one of your friends, at every meeting, will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?”, then sigh sympathetically and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”
Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!
What unites all these different people?
What these people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.
Term “passive-aggressive” first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.
And it was used in relation to soldiers, during World War II, who sabotaged orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, they were playing for time... But they never openly expressed their anger or reluctance to do so.
Shortly thereafter, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical manual - DSM, but due to insufficient clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.
But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term has remained and continues to be used to describe a special type of individual behavior.
In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.
How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself?
- In refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott” that “makes” the person to whom it is addressed feel guilty);
- In devaluation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you should be upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do this”);
- In accusation or criticism: (“You can’t do anything because you’re not doing it the right way!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
- In a constant invasion of privacy, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom her adult son still lives, picks out his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
- Control through third parties (for example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter pants for himself, because it’s already cold outside);
- Scolding oneself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. The grandmother gives them to her, but then begins to scold herself for not noticing that her granddaughter’s feet are cold and not giving them socks before)…
In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And that's not all of the possible options.
The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to express yourself openly, not to express your needs directly, not to defend your boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least somehow express yourself and stay in a relationship.
As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in a similar way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable about expressing his life. There may be a desire to justify one’s actions or to hide them altogether. Not uncommon feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.
How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?
The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that arise in him.
The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Speak about them directly (For example, in response to your mother’s excessive concern for your diet, you can say: “Thank you, Mom! I am very pleased with your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in this!” ).
Do not forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grumbling with the question: “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how far you can realistically accomplish this without sacrificing yourself.
Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, do not hoard them (As an example, after your partner’s broken promises for the umpteenth time, it is important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).
Noticing someone's unexpressed feelings (for example, the wife washes the dishes very loudly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it's important to make it clear , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting it to dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Did something happen? Will you share?”).
And most importantly, it is important to clarify what such behavior is formed from, what is behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings lie at its basis. Naturally, an experienced specialist will safely help you figure this out during psychotherapeutic work with your request.