Systemic constellations are a relatively new, but already well-proven method of professional assistance. This technique allows you to find solutions to personal internal problems an individual and families in general, to find and eliminate the subconscious conflict that is the cause of chronic or psychosomatic diseases. Also, the method of systemic arrangements allows diagnose problems of relationships and interaction in work teams and any other groups of people. The basis of the method is the general, collective subconscious, discovered by Carl Gustav Jung. Bert Hellinger (the founder of the method) calls this phenomenon the “knowing field.”

At present, no one will deny the fact that a person’s actions and motives are controlled, among other things, by various unconscious (subconscious) scenarios. The method of systemic family constellations allows us to see these scenarios, work through them in order to get out of those dead ends and traps that we cannot consciously get out of.

Hellinger, creating the method of family constellations, was based on the study and synthesis of various schools of psychotherapy. In particular, he successfully used the findings of the school of psychoanalysis, hypnotherapy, "primal therapy", traditional family therapy and other areas. Also, the method is based on the scientist’s own unique discoveries.

One of Bert Hellinger's discoveries is the awareness of the fact that within this family-tribal system certain laws. According to these laws, any family system exists, develops and lives (yours too). By understanding these laws, we can explain the seemingly inexplicable actions of people and events. Also, knowing them, we can correct the situation in our lives. Read more about the four main laws of the family system below. You can see methods for correcting the situation and “resolving phrases” in the videos provided and read in Bert Hellinger’s books.

What are systemic disorders and systemic therapy in psychology? How the arrangements are carried out (video):

How Bert Hellinger himself conducts constellations (video from his seminar)

The arrangement is carried out according to the principles of the systemic-phenomenological approach and represents a unique rapid therapy method oriented towards solution existing problem. It allows you not only to diagnose any difficult life situation, but also to find the reasons for its occurrence - to see what is actually happening in the depths of the Soul. And knowing the cause of the existing problem, you can eliminate it...

4 laws that are used during constellations

These laws are well explained at her seminar by ELINA ZITSER, family systems psychologist, constellation specialist:

More deeply and in detail about what happens in a person’s soul during constellations.

Just by watching this video you can understand the causes of problems in your life:

Why is my child constantly sick?

A visual illustration of the theory of laws discovered by Bert Hellinger:

What are formations in the classic format of B. Hellinger? What types of arrangements are there? Where did the arrangements come from? What methods were the ancestors? How do Hellinger constellations differ from the psychodrama method?

Interview with the founder of the method - Bert Hellinger

Family constellation method- how did he appear? What are arrangements? How are they made? Examples from the constellations (why the child did not want to study, how past relationships of parents influence the behavior of children and what parents need to do to free their children from this influence, how abortions affect living children and what can be done to prevent this influence from happening).

Spiritual aspects of family (systemic) constellations, conscience, orders of love. Where are arrangements used? How does love work between a man and a woman?

There are several iconic names in the history of psychology and psychiatry: Freud, Jung, Pavlov, Rogers, Grof... Today our guest is Andrei Ermoshin (host of the TV show “Adult Games”), a man who is among this number of pioneers in the field of psychotherapy. This is a professor from Germany, author of the family constellation method, Bert Hellinger. The interlocutors discuss the spiritual dimensions of his work, those almost mystical phenomena that are observed in the practice of constellations. The conversation also touches on aspects of the relationship between a man and a woman, why conflict arises, and how to make relationships truly close.

Do I need to do an arrangement or use another method? What does the result depend on?

At the very beginning, a short consultation is held with the person about his problem, questions are asked and it becomes clear how adequate the arrangement method is for the given situation. If the problem is “strange”, its causes are not visible in a person’s current life, then it is better to make an arrangement. Sometimes it's done diagnostic setup- to see what is happening in the system. In order for the arrangement to work better, the client must have a strong need and personal deep desire to solve a problem. When someone brought a person or is pushing a person to do it, then there is no point in doing the constellation, it will simply “freeze” and be interrupted by the constellation due to the lack of dynamics (energy for change), the person himself must “ripe”.

What are “permissive phrases” in constellations?

Resolving phrases are phrases aimed at resolving the situation in the arrangement, eliminating intertwining. They reveal what really is. For example, the daughter’s recognition of the hierarchy and her place in the system: “Mom, you are big, and I am small. You give, and I take” (some action can also be performed to consolidate, in this case there could be a bow). Or: “I do with my son the same way you did with me, dad.” Also: “I was born at the cost of your death. I accept and will do something good with my life in memory of you.” Permissive phrases depend on the context, on what is happening in the system. For a therapeutic effect to occur, it is necessary that the phrase is not just spoken, but felt.

• Here is a good article with answers to many questions: bookpower.rf/book/268
• Books by Bert Hellinger (easy to find and download on the Internet)

How to learn constellations, subtle spiritual moments, review of constellation techniques and principles

This amazing interview with Elena Veselago (a student of B. Hellinger, a constellation with extensive experience and the founder of her school) touches not only on “constellation” topics, but also on applied ones, presented from the point of view of systemic principles. For example: How psychologists can more effectively find clients. "People come to psychology when there is something inside that needs healing." Who is a constellator - a shaman or a psychologist? “I use both methods and do not see any contradiction in this.” About problems in some areas of psychotherapy. "Many have forgotten about the soul."

Psychologists from various schools today offer a variety of ways to get rid of difficulties in relationships and to overcome physical ailments. However, most methods require a very long period of communication between the patient and the therapist, which, of course, is unacceptable in many cases. An interesting and effective solution to the problem, as many have already become convinced of, was proposed by Bert Hellinger, a famous German psychotherapist. In this article we will talk in more detail about the arrangements.

What is the Hellinger arrangement?

Constellation is a psychological practice based on the idea of ​​a person as part of a system and on vicarious perception.

How is the work going?

It was not by chance that Hellinger’s method acquired the name “arrangement”. This method is one of the forms of group psychotherapeutic work, in which the client (who came with a request to the therapist) arranges the people present who replace real people (representatives of his family, colleagues or other objects). Afterwards the client takes a seat on a chair.

The arrangement made helps the therapist determine the position of people in relation to the client himself, as well as to each other.

Next, the static model on the “stage” begins to come to life (move), and this allows the therapist (and the client) to visually examine the dynamics, interactions, and also see who initiates the problem (with which the client came) and who does not.

The therapist simply allows some processes to happen when necessary, and makes adjustments to others (for example, using enabling phrases). The experience of the arranger, as well as the patience of the deputies, is important here.

Substitutes may experience new sensations while occupying the role; They will also benefit for themselves in the arrangement process. Free at our center.

Topics you can work with:

I) Working with symptoms of diseases, hereditary diseases.

• Diagnosis and resolution of difficulties in the family and at work: relationships with children, parents, family conflicts, adopted children;
• unborn and early-dead children, their influence;
• restoration of the feminine flow, harmonization of relationships with the opposite sex;
• marital relations; what is necessary for Love to take place;
• difficult fates in the family, unfinished relationships with the dead;
• identification of hereditary negative patterns of behavior, liberation from such patterns;
• depression, anxiety, fears, heaviness, resentment, guilt, anger, depression;
• drug addiction, alcoholism, other addictions;
• arrangement of internal parts.

ii) Cash flow, finding solutions to work problems.

III) Finding your calling.

About the founder of the method

Bert Hellinger, a German philosopher and psychotherapist, is the founder of one of the most informative and effective methods called “Hellinger constellations.”

Family constellations according to Hellinger

We all live within certain systems (groups of people united by something) in which we interact with other participants.

The systems are:

• working team;
• the company as a whole;
• parental family;

For a long time, sociologists, psychologists and other scientists have noted certain laws, relationships between individual members of the group and the system as a whole, but it is too early to talk about a specific doctrine. The Hellinger constellation method is the use of system patterns to identify and solve the problem of a specific individual within the system.

The nature of man is such that he draws conclusions based on his picture of the world. A problem or a specific task sometimes goes beyond the framework of the model that our picture of the world “encloses”. We (our behavior) can be influenced by factors that we are not aware of. Systemic constellations are aimed at revealing hidden “unknown factors”.

Classes are held in a group. A clear formulation of the problem is mandatory. For example, if there are difficulties in your family relationships, then you need to specify the task. For example, reduce it to the question: “Should I get married?”

How long does it take for the arrangement to take effect?

Creating image solutions in an arrangement releases quite large forces that will make themselves felt by appearing within 2 weeks (plus or minus) after the arrangement. It must be taken into account that mental processes “flow”, so the result will manifest itself at different times for everyone. But, of all the known methods, constellation is the kind of work that allows you to solve many problems in a short time and lays the foundation brick for a better future client.

"PEOPLE ARE LIKE SHIPS... EACH HAS THEIR OWN COORDINATES, OWN SPEED, OWN TAILWIND..."

During the session, a “replacement” system is formed from the group members, for example, the family of the patient whose problem is currently being dealt with. Then each of the “family members” begins to answer the host’s questions. The phenomenon of constellations is that outsiders begin to feel those feelings that were formed in real relationships, in the patient’s real system. This allows the presenter to reveal all the “unknown” systems, that is, to make the problem solvable.

Experiencing another person's emotions

In general, the very existence of phenomenology suggests that there are a number of facts in the world that cannot yet be contained within the framework and laws that are familiar to us. One such phenomenon is the perception of another person's emotions under certain conditions. This is exactly the phenomenon that Hellinger constellations use.

More about this method

The systemic-phenomenological approach in psychological and therapeutic practice makes it possible to clearly identify the causes of problems typical for representatives of a particular gender.

Constellation is a unique method in which the client’s problem is viewed through the prism of family history. Understanding the essence of a family problem that is repeated from generation to generation, as well as finding an effective way to solve it, comes within a short time, often directly during the constellation process. Having found the reasons in the past, a person has the opportunity to qualitatively change his present in all areas: improve interpersonal relationships, find inner harmony, get rid of health problems, find the right solution in difficult life situations.

The effectiveness of the method has been confirmed by a large number of constellations carried out and the growth of their popularity in Moscow and other large cities over the past few years. Practicing psychologists recognize that this method is one of the easiest to use today and shows high effectiveness in solving a wide variety of human problems.

How often do we hear terms that are not entirely clear. For example, “Hellinger arrangement” - what is it? Let's start with the fact that the author of this method, Bert Hellinger, is a famous German psychologist, philosopher, teacher and practitioner. His works are relatively young and aimed at solving human problems.

What did Hellinger study?

The scientist formulated some laws and patterns that lead to undesirable events and conflicts between spouses or colleagues. Hellinger worked for a long time on the following questions: “How does the adoption of feelings occur? How does conscience (personal or family) influence an individual’s lifestyle? Is there a system that governs the relationship?” In fact, these are just a few of Burt's many teachings.

Today, his arrangements are becoming more and more in demand. Using this method, a large number of people were able to find the origins of their troubles and eradicate them. Many practicing psychotherapists are increasingly using Hellinger constellations in their work with groups, couples or individually.

“Arrangement” is the individual’s place in space. The method itself resembles a game of chess. That is, each participant is assigned a specific role, which reflects his subconscious image in a situation that requires elaboration. This can be not only a family situation, but also problems in the team, failures in business.

Arrangement method according to Bert Hellinger. Start of session

So, a man comes to a psychotherapist with a pressing problem. To begin with, the specialist has a short conversation with him, during which he decides whether he needs an arrangement or whether everything is much simpler. After all, you can guide a person with ordinary everyday advice - and his life will return to normal. But when the situation is complicated, a more detailed conversation is held with the client.

To begin with, the problem itself is highlighted. For example, in this case, a man drinks, his wife nags him every day and believes that all family problems are related to alcoholism. The man, in turn, does not think so. After all, before his marriage he did not drink so much alcohol.

The therapist asks the client to talk about his lifestyle. Hellinger constellations require a systematic consideration of the problem. That is, it is important to understand what each spouse does all day, what kind of relationship they have in general, and what causes conflicts. Finally, individuals appear as themselves in family life or play someone else’s roles.

The specialist examines the parents of the husband and his wife separately. How did they behave with each other in the family? If it turns out that on the man’s side, the father and mother lived in perfect harmony and there were no problems with alcoholism, then the greatest attention is paid to the wife’s relatives.

Having previously sorted it out during the first conversation, the specialist recommends that the man come to the next appointment with his wife. After all, the root of evil is most likely in her, and it is impossible to get rid of it without her participation.

After all, she didn’t have a good family life, and she always asked her daughter: “Look, all men are the same. Your father is just like everyone else. He drinks and brings home pennies.” With these imposed thoughts, the daughter grows up and involuntarily notices only negative traits in the men around her.

Nevertheless, the girl begins to date a guy she likes. Soon our heroine marries him, but after a while it seems to her that her husband is not “her man” at all. No matter what he does, everything seems negative to her.

It would seem that the chosen one is not so bad, his positive traits outweigh his shortcomings. But the woman continues to maintain internal aggressiveness and sends him negativity at the energetic level. The man catches this signal, realizes that his partner despises him, and gradually begins to seek solace in alcohol. This helps him forget for a while, but the problem remains.

The following actions

The Hellinger method of constellations involves playing roles. The psychotherapist suggests that the couple play out a certain situation. For example, he asks a woman to describe how she behaves in the workplace. The patient comments on her work behavior, communication with colleagues, and it turns out that at work she is “white and fluffy.”

What changes when she crosses the threshold of the house? Why does a husband irritate a woman just by his appearance? A couple re-enacts a fight in front of a therapist. The wife tells her husband her usual phrase: “If only I would stop drinking, and everything would get better.”

From this point on, the specialist asks the couple to stop. Systemic-family constellations according to Hellinger require timely concentration on an important point. In the case of this couple, that time has come.

The therapist says to the couple: "Let's try to understand the source of the problem that forces one of you to drink." Next, all the reasons contributing to this are crossed out. For example, the following are excluded: big money problems, conflicts in the workplace for men, health problems. What remains?

The patient openly admits that he is oppressed by the eternal dissatisfaction of his wife, who constantly finds fault with something or, conversely, remains silent and avoids marital intimacy. In this case, the partner suffers from a lack of feminine energy.

Often, due to a lack of love for their partner or out of a sense of resentment, female representatives punish their chosen one in this way. They actively sublimate their energy into caring for children or burden themselves with household responsibilities. While the spouse is trying to get some kind of positive attitude by drinking alcohol. A vicious circle arises.

In the future, Hellinger constellations imply an in-depth study of the problem. In this case, the psychotherapist will try to instill in the woman the idea of ​​​​the need to eradicate the attitude that her mother unwittingly set.

By her behavior, the wife provokes the man to drink alcohol; in fact, she forces him to play the role of her alcoholic father. If, along with this, the woman still has some kind of resentment towards her husband, then during the session it is proposed to get rid of it. “It is important to free yourself from negativity,” emphasizes Bert Hellinger. Family constellations offer many techniques in this regard.

In fact, the whole process is not as simple as it seems at first glance. In the story of this married couple, the specialist will have to give the heroes new “roles”, and so that there is an even exchange of energies between them.

The impact of egregor on humans

After a constellation session, you may wonder: “How did it happen that I began to play a role that was not my own in life? Why did I speak with someone else’s thoughts?” In fact, few people think about whether they really do what they want and whether they live the way they want.

In most cases, it turns out that we borrow our daily thoughts, feelings and actions from the people around us: our own family, team and society as a whole. In other words, a certain energy-information space (egregor) has a direct impact on the personality.

Each society (collective) is subject to a certain value system. The influence of egregor can be both positive and negative. Everyone develops their own value system. For example, a church egregor seeks to influence people through sermons.

And any terrorist organization creates its own egregor by manipulating the consciousness of participants with a certain theory. Sometimes stronger individuals can create their own egregors and influence others. Such an individual should be the most energy-intensive, since his task is to lead and influence, that is, to manage many energy flows. Egregors are written in detail in one of Bert’s works called “Arrangements according to Hellinger.” The book tells us that often the root of the problem can be in the values ​​of life that are passed down through the family.

Life stories

The family clan is a system that has its own specific tasks. And family members (mother, father, son, daughter) are elements that must perform their functions. What happens if someone gets knocked out of the system? For example, the son did not want to become a military man despite the family dynasty. And my father really wanted this.

In this case, the son’s function may be redistributed among other family members or replayed: the daughter marries an officer. The father is incredibly happy, tries to establish strong contact with his son-in-law and shares plans for the future to continue the military tradition.

The German psychotherapist’s method deeply touches on the problem of the older and younger generations. Can the Hellinger constellation help everyone? Reviews about this vary. However, most agree that generic egregors can have a negative impact on descendants.

For example, a young woman is deeply unhappy in her marriage. It would seem that all methods of resuscitating relationships are ineffective, rudeness and violence reign in the family. There is only one way out - divorce. But the older generation of this woman unanimously repeats: “There were no divorced people in our family. This is not accepted among us and is considered a disgrace.”

That is, this woman’s generic egregor dictates its principles to her and demands submission. Only a complete rethinking and rejection of the role of “victim” will help such an individual make an important decision and start a new life.

Aggression is inherited

Systemic constellations according to Hellinger help many couples and individuals deeply understand the origins of evil. Let's give a simple example of a problem with which men often turn to psychotherapists.

So, a pretend young man came to see a psychologist. He could not understand his behavior towards women. After numerous divorces, he was faced with the fact that his chosen ones were leaving because of his unmotivated aggression.

In all other areas of life, the man seemed positive. During a conversation with a specialist, it turned out that the man had once “unconsciously” tuned into a program of revenge. How did this come about?

As a rule, in such a situation it turns out that the patient grew up in a family where the father was constantly humiliated and suppressed by his wife. The boy could not resist his mother to protect his father. Thus, as he grew older, the young man developed his own plan (a program of revenge).

This led to the fact that, while in relationships with girls, he periodically felt fierce hatred towards them. Whenever the right opportunity came, he took out his anger on them with his fists. Bert Hellinger's arrangement should show the man that these feelings do not belong to him. They are inspired and fixed in the mind from distant childhood. But the client’s situation is different, and the girls have a different character than his mother.

And most importantly, he can become happy only when he realizes this and begins to change. This is a gradual process. Much depends on the natural temperament of the individual. For some, 2 sessions are enough, while for others, several will be needed. The method of arrangement according to Bert Hellinger is unique in that by knowing family systems (orders), a person can not only avoid failures in life, but also protect the future generation from them.

How does the group method work?

We will be talking about group sessions. The phenomenon of these sessions is that a group of people experience the roles of actors in a client's problem. The situations can be different: a person cannot find a partner, is constantly sick or experiences financial difficulties, although there are no good reasons for this.

The Hellinger arrangement method is difficult to explain in detail, but it happens according to the following scenario: appropriate roles are distributed among the participants. And they begin to feel similar emotions of the person asking for help. The phenomenon received the term “substitute perception”.

That is, there is a transfer of internal images from the client to all participants and to the space in which the arrangement takes place. People selected for specific roles are called "deputies." During the session, they evaluate their condition out loud, trying to restore the problematic situation.

Systemic constellations according to Hellinger help the main person to unravel the tangle of his conflict situations, build the correct hierarchy and restore energy balance. The work is built by moving “substitutes” into the field of arrangement thanks to various rituals.

The session can be considered successful if all participants do not feel discomfort. And - most importantly - the client should experience physical and psychological relief. The arrangement method according to Bert Hellinger forces you to fully activate different levels of perception: emotional, mental, auditory, tactile.

What does this method do?

As a result, the individual receives a new look at his problem, acquiring a different model of behavior. Of course, the best way to evaluate the technique is to take part in a group session yourself. It is real experience that will help you find out how it works in practice.

Nowadays, many have already heard about such a method as Hellinger arrangement. There are also negative reviews about it. But despite this, the popularity of this method is growing. After all, the range of sessions is quite extensive - it includes psychotherapy, medicine, pedagogy, and even esotericism.

All information received during the sessions is confidential. In order to take part in group work, there must be motivation and a conscious desire. Today it is not difficult to find a Hellinger arrangement group. In Moscow, the number of fans of this method is constantly growing, as it is recognized as professional.

Constellation using Tarot cards

Finally, we come to the part that leaves an esoteric imprint on the method of the German psychotherapist. The fact is that not every person can come to a group of people and openly talk about their problem. In this case, the person can participate in a group session, but at his request, a hidden arrangement takes place. That is, the client himself controls the openness of information. An excellent way out of this situation is Bert Hellinger's arrangement using Tarot cards.

In this case, the deck serves as a tool for diagnosing the ongoing process. The client is asked the question: “What is the essence of your problem?” A person selects a card without looking and describes what he saw on it. “Deputies” are also selected following the selected arcana.

According to his problem, the client, with the help of the facilitator's prompts, shows each participant where to stand and what to do. The next stage is the emotional experience of the situation. “Deputies” exchange impressions: “I just thought that...”, “I got the feeling that...”

At this moment, the client is also included in the process. He listens to the opinions of all participants and takes the place of the one who hurt his emotions the most. And, based on the new role, he pronounces the words that he considers important.

The arrangement ends with a survey of each participant. Despite the fact that the client’s problem is being played out, the “substitutes” are also under the close attention of the psychotherapist. It is important for him to know how this or that person felt in someone else’s role, what he experienced and what conclusions he drew.

Also, the specialist can evaluate the diagnostics on the cards - was it possible to fully provide assistance to the client or did the system not fully disclose the situation? After all, the customer is not immediately able to objectively evaluate the session. He will need time for this.

Individual arrangement

Is it possible to conduct a similar session yourself? It's possible. After all, not everyone has the opportunity or desire to work in a group. In this case, it is possible to perform Hellinger placement independently.

True, for this you should become closely acquainted with the theory of the Bert Helling method. And it is important to understand the interpretation of Tarot cards at a professional level. So, the problem is identified, and the role of “deputies” will be played by cards. The work is divided into three stages.

First, you should choose cards: yourself and “deputies”. Next, you need to lay out the remaining cards as your intuition suggests. Then open them one by one and collect information from each, putting it together into the overall picture.

The second stage depends on the question posed. If it concerns a family, then the cards of ancestors should be laid out on top, descendants - on the bottom. If necessary, you can take additional cards if in doubt. During the process, it is necessary to move "deputies" as would happen with real people. It is recommended to listen to your physical and psychological sensations.

The third stage is completion. This happens when a person experiences satisfaction from a lost situation. Based on the result of the interpretation, only the client can decide whether he has worked through his problem.

To a less-initiated person it may seem that this was a fortune-telling session. But this is far from true. The individual method of arrangement using Tarot is shown only to professionals. Others are advised to use this method under the guidance of a qualified psychotherapist.

Alina Farkash presents a new column, the heroines of which anonymously (and therefore frankly) tell how they managed to solve their personal problems with the help of psychologists and psychological techniques.

• PROBLEM: CHILDREN'S RESULTS AGAINST MOM.
• METHOD: HELLINGER ARRANGEMENTS.
• HOW MANY SESSIONS: ONE.
• COST: 3,500 RUB.

You know, everyone always thought that I had an ideal mother... She is beautiful, cheerful and modern. My friends always ran to her for advice and to talk about life. But I never told her anything. I am, in general, a quiet phlegmatic, and the only person in the world who can drive me into hysterics and slamming doors in ten seconds is my mother.

How we couldn't talk

My prosperous mother beat me throughout my childhood. I was a homely girl, whose happiness in life was to hide in a corner with a book, I studied well, never left anywhere without calling, until now (until I was 29 years old!) I have not tried either vodka or cigarettes... Why beat me?

I needed a reason. I pestered my mother with this “why?”, my mother shouted in response about my indifference and the fact that I never understood her. I screamed that I didn’t know how I could help her at three years old, when she first…

Despite everything, I love my mother. And she me too. But the resentment was stronger: the question “for what?” burned out my brain, I didn’t know what answer I wanted to get, and I continued to ask it with the tenacity of a maniac. Mom exploded with the same persistence. I went to psychologists, some called for forgiveness, others - to stop “soul-destroying communication with my mother,” but no one answered why the hell my mother beat me.

How everyone shed tears

I found myself at Hellinger constellations by accident. I read stories on blogs, saw an announcement that deputies were invited to the formations, and decided to take a look. Everything took place in the center of Moscow: a small room with sofas around the perimeter, ten people, a psychologist-presenter. The person for whom the arrangement was being done came to the center and talked about his problem. And the presenter offered to choose from those present deputies for the participants in the conflict. Sometimes these were real people, sometimes already in the process of arrangement the psychologist asked to add the hero’s dead grandmothers or unborn children to the action. Then everything was very strange: the newly appointed relatives walked around the room, quarreled, refused to communicate, blamed each other and tried to get closer again. The presenter gently guided the deputies, asked them questions, and asked them to describe their feelings. The one for whom the arrangement was done sat and shed tears: “Yes, yes, dad always talks to me like that!” Or: “How do you know that grandma’s brother died in prison?” And then everyone stood hugging each other and sobbed in unison. I looked and thought that everything was far-fetched. That people see what they want to see. And it is not clear how this can help.

How mom got a substitute

I don’t know why during a break I approached the presenter and asked her to do the arrangement for me. I was shaking to the point of nervous stuttering. I was scared to hear from the deputy what I was always afraid to hear from my mother. I noticed someone who could play her role a long time ago - a beautiful plump blonde with a gentle face. Amazing resemblance to the original!

Then miracles began: the little brunette, who was me, ran around the room and hid in a corner (how did she know?), “Mom” chased her and tried to hug her. “I know she likes to be alone, but I can’t help it, I really want to hug her!” - “Mom” explained, and I began to sweat from how similar everything was to my reality.

“You see,” said the presenter, “she really loves you, even too much. Yes, she violates your boundaries, but she doesn’t know any other way.” I already knew that she loved me: “Ask her why she beat me.” “Mom” began to tell how tired she was and how no one loved her - in frighteningly familiar expressions and intonations. The presenter asked the girl portraying me to sit down, and me to stand in her (in my!) place. More precisely, climb onto a chair and look at “mom” from above. “From this position, do you also want to ask her similar questions?” I felt embarrassed: “mom” seemed small and defenseless. But the desire to find an answer was stronger than the awkwardness. I was shaking, I repeated, as if wound up: “Why! You! Me! Bila! “Mom” screamed back at me. “I wanted it, and I beat it,” the presenter suddenly interrupted our hysteria. I choked mid-sentence. And she continued: “Tell her that you are her mother and that you know better how to treat your child. That you were in a bad mood or PMS... That’s none of her business.” “Mom” obediently repeated this to me. And at that moment I suddenly felt better. Then, when I thought about everything that had happened, I realized that the presenter had relieved me of the burden of responsibility. It wasn't me who did something so bad that my loving and loving mother had to beat me while she was having PMS. Or she just wanted it that way. I have nothing to do with this. I was small and could not influence the situation in any way.

But at that moment I stood on a chair, looked stunned at “mom” and repeated: “Why did you want this?” She suddenly said: “I never wanted other children, only one like you. And you... You never let me get close to you.” And she added in a whisper: “I still want to hug you.” And suddenly a puzzle came together: my mother always said that she dreamed of a short, gray-eyed brunette, how she was afraid of giving birth to the “wrong” child, how happy she was when I turned out exactly as she had imagined. How I dreamed of a brother, but she refused to give birth to someone else: either we are undergoing renovations, then grandpa has a heart attack, then she needs to defend her dissertation∂, then we are saving for a car... I got off the chair and hugged my mother’s deputy. The stranger's blonde and I stood and cried. I raised my head: everyone was crying. It seems that this story was relevant not only for me.

How we went for a manicure

I was asked not to discuss anything with anyone for two months. I didn't discuss it. But on the way home, I dialed my mother’s number, and for the first time in many years we had a normal conversation. It was as if she had been bewitched - she never once accused me of indifference. And I didn’t remember her childhood insults. We even agreed to go for a manicure together! And they went. I don’t know if what I was told at that session is true; I even think that from the outside it seemed just as far-fetched and far-fetched as the other arrangements. But I got the answer to my question. And I felt better. And mom felt better: we actually love each other very much.