Why do many of us behave cruelly towards people close to us? Relationships with loved ones.

Anna: Changing stereotypical ideas about sexual relationships could keep spouses from having affairs on the side in ninety cases out of a hundred!

Alena: A good remark!

Nellie: I was talking with one of my friends about adultery. Arkady is sure that with his wife he cannot get everything that he can get from his mistress. He actually has a double marriage. As Arkady says, he needs a wife “for everyday life,” and a mistress “for weekends.” With his wife he “fulfills his marital duty,” and with his mistress he “enjoys it.” I was amazed at such selfishness! Why can’t you have fun with your spouse, with your closest and dearest person?

Alena: To do this, you need to give up your consumer attitude towards others! Decide to look for the reasons for your dissatisfaction with your relationship with your spouse. Apparently, Arkady is not confident in himself and cannot decide to change his relationship with his wife.

Vera: How is this connected?

Alena: In order to decide to discuss your dissatisfaction with your marriage, you will have to admit your incompetence. And only a self-confident person can do this!

Julia: Does this only apply to men?

Alena: This applies equally to both men and women!

Alena: Not only Arkady, but also all other spouses who communicate with each other within the “strict framework of marital relations”, it would be useful to remember that spouses are the closest people. With whom, if not with a close and dear person, with a beloved spouse or beloved wife, is it easiest to expand these “frames”? Who, if not a close person, will understand you better than anyone?

Olga: Most likely, such spouses are held back by the stereotype we already know about “shameful sex.” I also perceived life in a “rosy light”. I knew practically nothing about intimate relationships. I sincerely believed that sex was a marital duty.

Alena: Some men and women to this day consider sexual relations in the family a marital duty. Having decided to cheat, they are thereby trying to “go beyond conventions”, “freed themselves from stereotypical ideas about sex.” Confused in their stereotypical ideas about “free sex,” they decide to make changes only in intimate relationships with a stranger, with a lover or mistress. In a word, with that person with whom nothing connects you, with whom you can communicate without any conventions!

Rita: It turns out that many people start an affair on the side in order to, with the help of infidelity, free themselves from their stereotypical ideas about sex as a marital duty? Then wouldn’t it be easier to free yourself from your stereotypes together with your spouse?

Alena: To do this, the spouses need to decide to have a frank conversation! The fear of a frank showdown remains an insurmountable wall for some spouses! During the psychological consultation, spouses are asked to ask each other questions about the most intimate: “What do you feel during intimate relationships? Does intimacy give you pleasure? What touches give you pleasant sensations? What caresses do you prefer?” It turns out that spouses who have lived together for decades almost never ask each other these basic questions.

Vera: My husband and I never talk about these topics for the same reason... It’s somehow awkward for me to talk to him about my feelings... especially intimate ones!

Nelly: My husband and I rarely talk about what doesn’t suit us and what we would like to change in the relationship! I’m not sure that frank conversations will change anything in our relationship!

Alena: In a marital relationship, everything can be changed! Of course, if two people want these changes!

Antonina: Why do spouses prefer to have an affair on the side?

Alena: Mainly because of the consumer attitude towards love. The idea that with a new partner you can move to a new level of close relationships is nothing more than an illusion! To believe that another, new partner will initiate you into the secret of love, teach you everything that your spouse did not teach you, “add” the missing warmth, compensate for gaps in communication, “inspire” you with his love - means being captured by this illusion !

It would be wrong to say that everything in love and family happiness depends only on women! Often, Ladies with Broken Hearts have to admit that they were just toys in the hands of men who dream, thanks to easy love victories, to get rid of their male complexes.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come thanks to you, but not from you. And although they are with you, they do not belong to you.

You can give them your love, but not your thoughts.

You can give shelter to their bodies, but not to their souls. For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, where you cannot visit even in dreams.

You can strive to be like them, but don't try to make them like you.

For life does not go backwards and does not linger in yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children, like living arrows, are sent forward.

The archer sees his target on the path of infinity and bends you with his power to make his arrows fly fast and far.

May your bend in the Archer's hand bring joy. For just as the Archer loves a flying arrow, so he loves a bow that is motionless.

(Gibran Kahlil Gibran)

Fighting at close range

Why do you think it is most difficult to communicate with loved ones? Why do the most serious conflicts and the most intense experiences arise in relationships with loved ones? It is with those people with whom we are close by blood, or with those whom we ourselves have chosen to live with. After all, it is in close relationships that the shadow sides and traits of our personality that cause suffering are most strongly manifested.

- I think this is not surprising, because we spend a significant part of our lives with loved ones. They see us from all sides; we are most open to them. We communicate constantly. And sometimes even if something doesn’t satisfy you, there’s nowhere to go. You still have to be with them.

That's why they are close. You can't escape them anywhere. They are nearby all the time - both in a bad mood and in a good one. You are visible and open, and therefore everything manifests itself very strongly. Somewhere else you can hide something, you can close something inside yourself and not give it a way out, but when you come home, then, most likely, it is there that something will happen that you did not give the opportunity to manifest somewhere in the other place. It is intimacy that creates the intensity of these relationships.

- There is also the fear of hurting loved ones.

Absolutely right. When you see a person who is suffering and consider yourself the cause of his suffering, it becomes even more painful. This is very evident in close relationships.

- Relationships with loved ones are complex, since every person wants to be at home in a more or less comfortable state, and since everyone pursues their own goals and comfort is something different for everyone, he sees a discrepancy between what is happening around him and what is happening around him. what he desires. Accordingly, a person begins to look for shortcomings in the environment, which leads to conflict and unpleasant conditions. And I also believe that close people are not necessarily those with whom you have been for a very long time. Close people, truly close ones, can be those people whom you very quickly understood in a short period of time. If you understand a person very well literally from the first day of communicating with him, then he also becomes close.

Well, what about people like mother, father, relatives? After all, a child is born into a certain family. Although we can say that the child also chooses. There is an assumption, and I think it is correct, that the soul of a child chooses the place where it should be born. It is absolutely no coincidence that each of us is born at a certain time, in a certain place and to certain parents. The conditions in which he is born set and create for him the best opportunity to solve the problems that face him in this life. By solving these problems, we can understand something very important for ourselves. Naturally, it is not easy to understand what is important. Understanding comes through suffering, through torment, effort, but perhaps this is precisely the main meaning of close communication.

- My relationship with my parents was a dead end until I came across the idea that we choose our parents. I blamed everything in the world, was indignant and tormented: “Well, why do I have such a mother? Why am I forced to live like this? And when I came across the idea that a child chooses his parents before being born, I thought: “Why not accept this idea and look from this point of view? If I chose my parents for myself, then I need to think about why I chose them, for what kind of work?” And the very attitude towards the situation became completely different. I stopped blaming, stopped being indignant, stopped being disappointed, and began to think and look for some solutions. I realized that if it is like this, then it’s necessary. I began to take things more calmly.

Do we choose our parents?

You can agree or disagree with the idea that the soul of a child chooses its parents before birth, but even if you just try to accept this idea, you will see how much your attitude towards the situation and towards loved ones will change. You will start looking for answers instead of blaming them and feeling sorry for yourself. You will begin to solve your situation. You will begin to understand why this situation is given to you and what you need to do in it. Maybe this idea will give you a very good inner mood, an inner state for getting out and solving many problems that arise in relationships with loved ones. Let's say we choose parents. What about other close people? After all, there are people whom we choose consciously or subconsciously, making efforts to ensure that this particular person is with us - wife, husband, friend. Most often, such people are not imposed on us on purpose, we choose them ourselves, but we also have a lot of difficult situations with them. Why do we ourselves find such people with whom we then suffer and say that they ruined our lives? “If I hadn’t met you, things might have been different,” you say. Again accusation, again misunderstanding, again dead end. But you met. Why? For what? Why does it often happen that a person finds a wife or husband, then gets divorced, after which he finds another person with whom he repeats the same thing that he had with the previous one, and so on endlessly. Maybe you really need to understand something about yourself? Why do these people come into your life? What needs to be done, what needs to be changed in oneself so that relationships with loved ones become different?

What do you want: to be right or happy?

- I believe that this is just a habit that has already been implanted since childhood, some kind of pattern of behavior, the inability to go beyond it.

Apparent impossibility. We approach a person with a certain pattern. We have rigid ideas about what we should do and what he should do. But real life makes adjustments, and our template does not match what is happening. We try to maintain our pattern, but nothing works: only suffering, only problems. What problems arise in relationships between close people? Please tell us what worries you most?

- All relationships fit into one pattern: everyone wants to be right. Most people always want to be right. They strive to prove that they are right at all costs. If you are right, then you are satisfied. And the other one is also right. And he also proves that he is right. The result is a constant struggle in relationships, instead of trying to side with the other and understand him. That's the whole point.

I would like to ask such people: “Do you want to be right or happy?”

- What is happiness? This is a comfortable state when you realize that you are right.

Everyone is right in their own way. For example, a father tells his son: “You must study, you must clean up after yourself, you must do this, you must do that.” In principle, everything seems to be correct, but at the same time, the life of these people is terrible. And when the father shouts to his son that the son owes this and that, he is right, but neither one nor the other has joy and mutual understanding. Conversations based on demands only lead to both people moving away from each other. Although they live in the same territory, they are very distant, and they are becoming more and more distant. Everyone is right, but there is no intimacy. There is no unity. There is an even greater increase in division.

- I went through this myself. Now it seems to me like two people, each sitting in their own cocoon and not touching each other. Each person has his own life in his own cocoon, and these two lives do not intersect. It seems to me that this is why mutual misunderstanding arises. If happiness for me is mutual understanding, the opportunity to understand another, then perhaps I should abandon my usual views and think about why the other does this, to understand him. Get out of your cocoon and look at what is happening with someone else. Make at least a small hole in your cocoon. This is already a step towards another person.

It is very interesting to see how people evaluate their relationships. Do you think that the fact that people become spiritually closer to each other can be considered as an indicator of improving relationships? And what contributes to the connection of people’s souls, their closeness? What leads to their separation and divergence? We very often use the criterion “who is right”. We are trying to prove or impose our point of view. Yes, we are right in our own way, but does this contribute to our rapprochement? Are we getting closer or, conversely, moving away from each other?

- In my opinion, one of the most important problems in relationships between people is that a person believes that he is the one who is right. Then the other must change so that everything becomes good, so that everyone is happy. It seems to me that it is very important to understand and realize that everything starts only with yourself. My happiness starts with me, not with another person who I thought needed to change. I also have this problem. I very often catch myself thinking that everything is fine with me, but he or she must understand something, that it’s all up to them.

Noose for a loved one

Rapprochement can be achieved in different ways. For example, how cowboys catch horses. She runs, and he throws a lasso on her and drags her towards him. Many people try to get closer this way. They throw a lasso around another person, tighten it around the throat and drag it towards them. Then the other, in turn, throws the rope, and now they are both half-strangled, standing opposite each other, rolling their eyes at such “closeness.” What is so good about it? In order for two people to get closer, probably the most correct thing would be for them to move freely towards each other. But people don’t want to take steps themselves, they want to force others to take steps towards them. But real rapprochement is only possible if both people begin to move towards each other. Two people walk towards each other. Some may be slower, some faster, but if they both go in the direction of each other, they will definitely get closer. Because both have the desire. If only one person has the desire, then rapprochement may not happen.

- I liked your comparison to the lasso. We really often throw such lassos and tie each other, believing that this is love. Maybe we should first let each other go and understand whether we have love or just attachments.

Very often, relationships are built on ties and ties to what we want from the other person. At the same time, we bind each other with many ropes-desires. We are tied not only by the neck, but also by the arms, legs and other places. With the help of such a network, we pull the other person towards us. Imagine this. Will it be good for you if you are bandaged and dragged somewhere, while you do not understand anything and cannot move on your own? Therefore, first of all, you need to throw off all the strangleholds. Then, at least, it becomes possible for two people to stand against each other at the distance at which they really want to stand. Look and decide whether to turn their backs on each other or get closer. In this case, their decision is the free decision of free people.

Who can relax in the family?

- I have a problem - irritation in relationships with loved ones. I would like to understand its cause and eliminate it, because you always want peace in the family. You come to your family to take a break from work, from relationships with other people, where there is already enough irritation. I would like to just come home, relax and see normal and kind faces, and not find myself in situations where they start yelling at you over little things, or you yourself start to lose your temper because of problems at work.

We want to come to the family as a place where we can relax. Why do we want to relax? Yes, because elsewhere we are tense. Because elsewhere we were offended, irritated and tried to do something, but to no avail. We bring all this into the family, where other family members brought the same thing. Could the family then be a place where people can relax? After all, everyone needs to get something soothing, but others can only give him what they themselves now have. And if everyone came in an irritated state, then what can they give each other except him? Therefore, we probably need to take a broader look and think about what we bring to our family. Let's say today you brought offense, but for some reason you expect others to bring peace and joy. Everyone else is waiting the same way. They also have a lot of negativity, but they expect you to bring them something good. Therefore, you need to become joyful and calm, first of all, yourself. The question arises: “How?”

We are talking about family now, but in fact it is impossible to separate the place where we are all day from where we come in the evening. After all, we transfer our irritation from one place to another. Often the family becomes not a place where a person is calmed down, but where they irritate him even more. When several dissatisfied people converge on the same territory, their condition intensifies. If at work you did not allow yourself to say something rude so as not to spoil your relationship with your boss, then at home you can no longer restrain yourself. How long can you hold back your irritation? Naturally, it will spill out and, most likely, about some little thing.

- If we come to the understanding that we are still reasonable people, wouldn’t it be better to come to an agreement from the beginning? People come home from work and don’t disturb each other for at least two hours.

If such a possibility existed, then this would probably be a solution to the problem. But is it possible to agree not to be offended, not to shout, if everything inside you is seething with dissatisfaction with the whole world? You come to a family, and there, on the wall in the most visible place, hangs an agreement in which it is written: “No one has the right to swear, shout, break dishes, and so on.” Then you will run to some other place where there is no such agreement, because you simply need to throw out your fortune.

- Let's start with the fact that people never scream so easily, they need a reason for this. For example, a person comes to an apartment, and he doesn’t like something there. I have this situation. Father is deaf in one ear. I come home from work late at night, and his TV is on full blast. I tell him in human terms that I have a headache. I even bought him headphones. And he sits after a glass, and he doesn’t care. How to negotiate with him? We are reasonable people, I understand that, but he doesn’t.

Everything would be different if relationships between people were built only on reason. However, they most often come from emotions. Can you agree, for example, that today at six o’clock I will feel calm and love for you, and then at 20 o’clock I will experience intense tenderness and joy? If it were really possible to solve family problems in this way, it would be very interesting. But it doesn’t work that way, because if you are angry, then you are angry. If you are unhappy, then you are unhappy. And since most people cannot control their emotions, cannot manage them, they become involved in conflicts. A man comes and sees a puddle on the floor. A terrible storm arises, he destroys everything, screams... He screams that everything was terrible in this life, that there can be nothing good in this family. And the apparent reason was a small puddle that the child wrote. But in fact, behind this there is a lot of already accumulated irritation. Therefore, it is in close relationships that everything manifests itself and intensifies. If we do not try to change our condition, we will not be able to change the general climate, the general condition in the family.

- If a person in the house is irritated, there is no psychological comfort, then this is not a house, but just an apartment and that’s it.

If we look into 100 houses, then in 99 of them we will see such a picture. Yet everyone calls this place home. They don't have another home yet. He would be glad to find another Home, but where is it? And the same thing is happening in his house. So let's think about how we can improve the house we have now. You can, of course, run around and look for some other house where it will be better, but you are unlikely to find it in this condition. You have to create your own home. If I come home in a lousy state, then I make one contribution to the psychological climate of the family. If I come calm and joyful, with some pleasant events and offers, then I make a different contribution. The climate in a family is made up of the contributions made by each of its members. The contributions of some people, even negative ones, are so strong that even a few other people with a little positive contributions cannot change the overall atmosphere. What does each of us bring to the place we call home, and how does it change?

Family non-aggression pact

- I tried to negotiate with my mother and sister to bring peace to our home. I tried to come to an agreement with them that let’s not talk in a raised voice, but try to restrain ourselves and respect each other, and not shout. In my experience, this arrangement lasts for two days, no more. Because at first they agree: “Yes, this is correct, this is how it should be, this is normal, let’s try, let’s do it this way.” As a result, the person is either attached to a certain style of behavior in the family, or lacks the willpower to maintain this new position.

Have you noticed that at first people meet very joyfully and love each other, but then something else begins to happen. They begin to cling to each other, swear, and quarrel. Some say: “Why do I need all this horror, let’s get a divorce.” Some get divorced, others remain in their nightmare, but then they realize that this nightmare can lead to them all getting sick, or something terrible happening. Their deteriorating physical and mental condition forces them to isolate themselves from each other. They begin to ignore each other, avoid conversations, and the like. You look at such people, everything seems to be quiet, calm, no one screams, but not because they love each other, but because they realized that if they continue in the same spirit, they will simply kill each other. They are quiet, calm, but there is no love, there is no relationship in reality. There's emptiness there. A person comes into emptiness. He comes simply because he is used to coming to this house, this apartment and being here. Simply because he is afraid to change his life, look for something else, and generally make any efforts. Let it be as it will be. Even if it didn’t work out, thank God there was no screaming, at least; everyone now lives their own lives without interfering with the other. But are these the very relationships that create unity? No, they simply do not interfere with each other's existence.

- I want to say something about the agreement. It seems to me that it would be nice to write a poster like this on the wall: “If I scream, it’s not because I hate, but because it’s hard for me.” If you agree, then it is possible to achieve mutual understanding and love.

Indeed, it is not uncommon for one person to yell at another because the irritation that one has increases the same feeling in the other. Maybe it makes sense to discuss this. Don’t say that you are like this, you offend me, you hate me, you want to make things worse for me. And discuss the state in which everyone is now, and help each other get out of it. But first you need to realize this state in yourself, and then help someone else do the same. If he yells at you, it is not because he hates you, but because he is in a state from which he cannot get out. In a family like climbers, the life of the other depends on each, because they are all in one bundle. If one falls, then the rest will begin to fall. Therefore, it is very important to help others get stronger on their feet. And if in this place, in this house, in this family, people stand firmly on their feet, are confident in themselves and each other, then the ground for conflict disappears. Many conflicts disappear altogether. After all, why do people quarrel, scream and conflict? This does not come from strength, but from weakness and uncertainty. So the main thing is to help each other become stronger, more confident, more independent. A union of two weak people is doomed to be conflicting and unhappy, but a union of two strong people can be very beautiful.

What to do with irritation?

- Let's say a person understands that his irritation is not due to the fact that he hates someone, but to the fact that he is internally unbalanced. But this won’t make it any easier for the person he lives with. Seeing dissatisfaction in him, he will also become dissatisfied. For example, the whole family is in a good mood, but the son comes home irritated. He yelled at his mother, father, sister, brother. Naturally, they will not be able to accept this calmly.

They will not be able to accept this calmly if they themselves are in the same state as him. Then the only difference between them is that he shows his feelings and they don’t. A person who clearly expresses his irritation dramatizes and intensifies the same state in another person nearby. But you can't summon what you don't have. Calmness will come with harmonization of the inner world. We have already talked about this a lot. I remind you of this all the time.

If a person is engaged in harmonizing his inner world, then he can be calm in any situation. Only in this case can it become a support for a person who has arrived in an unbalanced state. If you yourself are restless, then you cannot give peace to anyone. If you yourself are irritated, you will only become more irritated by the presence of someone else. That is why everyone needs to become more harmonious themselves.

- Let’s say a son comes, I want to develop this example further, and starts shouting at everyone. If all family members understand that he screams not because he hates them, but because he has problems, then you can try to give him the opportunity to express them and realize them.

Yes, this is possible, but only if you do not take his dissatisfaction personally. This is a very important point. After all, when a loved one gets irritated, the thought is immediately triggered that he is irritated because of you. But everything could be completely wrong. He is not happy because something is happening in his life that he cannot yet understand and accept. And if you understand that what is happening to him is not necessarily directly caused by you, then you can, being calm, help him understand himself.

- All this, of course, is wonderful, but here is an example that has happened to me probably 100 times. I come home with this positive message, fully aware of everything. I meet my mother leaving the room, who sees that I am in a great mood. She clearly sees that I am in a great mood, and says: “You left this morning, didn’t make the bed, didn’t wash the dishes, didn’t go to the store, didn’t take out the bucket.” I came in a good mood, but no, that’s what they tell me. I understand that these are mom’s problems, but she hits the nail on the head. I know I really didn't do it when I should have. I can no longer take a detached view of this. My mood deteriorates sharply.

You very cunningly set out the position that, they say, these are mom’s problems. This is your common problem. If the whole apartment is littered with garbage, then life will probably not be very good for all of you.

- I understand, but I only irritated my mother because she felt bad. I felt good. Right? Let’s say I come home angry, irritated, ready to kill everyone, and say that the job I took on didn’t work out. Mom, of course, will say that I’m a fool myself for getting involved in something I can’t do. But at the same time, she will immediately offer me something to eat, immediately tell me about some interesting film... I clearly feel that at first they gave me a kick in the ass, but then they immediately warmed me up. After all, it is also very difficult to refuse this.

“I feel bad because you feel good...”

Absolutely right. It often happens that when someone feels good, someone else feels bad. And in Rus' this is generally quite common. Let's discuss how often do such situations arise for you?

- I would like to consider a similar situation. It seems to me that the main reason for the dissatisfaction of people who live together is that their desires and moods do not coincide in time, but in general they want the same thing. They may have the same habits, the same requests, it’s just that at the moment one wants to be alone, the other wants to communicate. And when one of them manifests his condition, the other does not respond to it. Then disharmony arises. I don't know what to do with this.

Do you respect the rights of another person to an individual state, to internal experiences? Are these rights often violated in your family? Are they even recognized?

- I have an interesting situation at home. It turns out that I have to regulate the relationship between my parents. The most striking example is my mother, who is simply terribly depressed in terms of the fact that she cannot want and do anything on her own. This depresses me, because not only am I between them, but also because I see my mother in myself. I feel just like her, and this just makes me feel terrible. I don’t even know how to help them or how to deal with them. Because when they are in a good mood, then everything is fine, but if they are in a bad mood, then something unpleasant will definitely happen. Even if they haven't quarreled, they often still don't talk to each other. A terrible tension arises. I see that mom is simply killed, and dad is so “formidable” hanging over everyone. I don’t know how to deal with such a situation, because I have it too.

The child is often used by parents as a kind of buffer, with the help of which they try to somehow regulate relationships with each other. If they quarrel and cannot start a conversation, they begin to communicate through the child, pouring out everything that they did not express to each other onto him. This is a big trauma for the child.

- The most disgusting thing is that each of them is trying to win him over to their side. They throw, as we said, a lasso on him and pull, tightening his throat more and more. At the same time, everyone pulls the rope towards themselves. It hurts terribly.

The main reason for this is that none of them wants to take responsibility for what is happening. Everyone tries to improve the situation by manipulating the other person. And since the other doesn’t want it, the child is used to force him. Such manipulation through the child leads to the fact that relationships in the family are even more dramatized and intensify the splitting of the child’s psyche. The discord in his inner world is intensifying. After all, a child carries within himself a mother, father and other people close to him. They are all in it. If the conflict between mother and father was not resolved by them, then it will become an internal conflict of their child, who will try to resolve it all his life. He will suffer from it throughout his life. Parents pass on their problems, which determine the fate and life of their children. If they are unable to solve them themselves, then they leave them to the children. Until there is at least one person in the family who is ready to take responsibility for everything that happens and begin to solve problems on their own, doing it within themselves, the situation in the family will only get worse.

If at least one family member takes on such responsibility and says to himself: “What is happening to us is the result of the fact that none of us wants to change ourselves, I am ready to start doing this and I will do it regardless , are other members of my family ready to do this? If such a person appears in a family, then he can do a lot for everyone.

Most people, when asked to take responsibility, say: “Why would I do something if others don’t want to? I have taken so many steps, and no one is coming to meet me.” What can you say to such a person? Only one thing: “Those who start doing this themselves will definitely achieve success. If you don’t or stop doing this, everything will only get worse.” In such a matter, you can only rely on yourself. If you decide that the previous relationship is no longer possible, that you do not want such a relationship, then change the situation within yourself. After all, it is no coincidence that all these close people are next to you. In order for you to see yourself, the conditions in which you are now are the best. They may be very complex and difficult, but for you they are the best for self-knowledge. If you manage to use them correctly, then everything around you will definitely begin to change in the same way. Your changes will definitely lead to the fact that those close to you will begin to change. Just as irritation, for example, is contagious, calm, confidence and the desire to rectify the situation are just as contagious. And if you begin to cultivate, strengthen, develop calmness, then the people around you will not be able to help but feel it. They will also change, perhaps not in a very noticeable way, but this will definitely happen.

- I wanted to mention again the two cocoons in which people live in their families. I thought that if at least one family member tried to understand the interests of those with whom he lives, everything would be different.

- My parents usually get irritated like this: my mother comes home from work and gives everyone a light, bringing aggression. She tells me: “You are bad, you are to blame.” I am silent, and my father is silent. When dad starts to rage, mom is silent. I remember one or two quarrels when they got so angry with each other that it was very scary.

We are now talking about the energetic interaction that occurs when several people are very close to each other. Certain parts of these people activate each other very strongly. At its core, a person is an energy structure. When communicating, people's energies begin to interact. This happens very intensely in the family. For example, when a person screams, a strong wave of low-frequency energy comes from him, and if the same pressure of energy comes towards him, then what happens? An explosion occurs. One person must remain silent for a while, otherwise an explosion will occur. He becomes silent, but what is boiling in him does not disappear because of this, on the contrary, it intensifies. In the future, he will find a moment when the other one who shouted will be weaker energetically, and then he will begin to shout at him. That's what's happening.

- For some reason this scenario came to mind. This happens when there is a child in the family, and irritation usually pours out on him. The child is raised to be a loser, unlucky, so that at any moment when irritation arises, one can reproach him. There was such a scenario in my family. As soon as irritation accumulates, it can easily be poured out on me.

"Favorite" child or "scapegoat"

The child is raised to be a lightning rod for grounding his own negative emotions. Since these people need a lightning rod, they make sure that it functions. If the child is completely falling off his feet, then they will look at him and think where we are going to pour all our anger. Perhaps what I say will seem terrible to someone, and he will say: “No, I never thought about that.” I didn’t think about it consciously, but subconsciously I could do just that. The child, as the weakest member of the family, becomes the scapegoat. People tend to find a scapegoat and dump on him all the negative things they have. If one scapegoat dies, they find another because it is very difficult to live without him. In a family, such a scapegoat can be a child or someone else. This becomes his professional responsibility. The life of such a person is terrible because a huge energy of negative emotions flows through him. Imagine that you are holding a bare wire and high voltage is passing through you. This is how such a person feels. Do people who pass a current of irritation through him think about what he feels? After all, it can “burn out” or “deteriorate”. Therefore, everything is not as simple as we would like, but this does not mean that nothing can be changed here.

You need to understand what is really happening, and, having understood it, begin to correct it. You need to harmonize your relationships. The more flexibility you have in your relationships with people, the easier it will be to establish harmonious relationships with them. Whether to pass the current of irritation through a loved one or not, everyone needs to think about this. After all, most often, when people come to such a state, they no longer think about anything, they just want to throw it away somewhere, throw off what they have accumulated. The first person they come across is most likely a loved one - he is used as a lightning rod. Then this person begins to do the same, but with others. A vicious circle arises. If you do not approach this consciously, then this will continue indefinitely.

Only by understanding what is really happening can a person begin to realize and observe what is happening. If he does something consciously, then at some point everything will change on its own. Try to start screaming, while being aware of what you are doing. I can tell you that everything will change completely for you after some time. You will suddenly find yourself in a completely different state just because you realized what you are doing. Have any of you tried to become aware of yourself in relationships with other people?

- Literally today. True, I didn’t shout, I was just doing a certain thing. I was distracted. The first reaction was the usual - now it’s like naoru. And suddenly I realized: “And if I yell, will it make someone feel better?” I don’t know where my energy transformed, but suddenly I felt very good: calm and comfortable. I realized that screaming is completely unnecessary.

This is a really important question. After all, most people live without realizing themselves. If they feel irritated, they simply take it out on those around them. Tell them that lack of awareness has very big negative consequences for them. To this one of them will answer: “I don’t care about that. I’ll still do it.” Then what happened to him will happen to him, and everything will only get worse. The other person will say, “Yes, I agree with you. I'll really watch what happens. I see how that anger and that aggression that I threw out at loved ones is returning to me. I do not like it. I already understand, but what should I do? I want to fight this, I tried to fight my anger, but nothing worked.”

So you don’t need to fight it, but just observe it. The first thing that is important to understand is that negative outbursts do not lead to anything good. They lead to even greater imbalance of the person himself, the people close to him and the whole situation as a whole. The second step is to start simply observing your feelings, thoughts, and actions. You reach an irritated state unconsciously. But you can begin to become aware of your conditions. You are simply aware of them: “Yes, I am now in an irritable state.” Once you realize this, you can say to the other person: “You know, I’m in such an irritable state right now, and you can probably feel it. Today I had troubles, and now I can’t get rid of the memories associated with them. I came home in an irritated state, but I really want you and I to sit and talk now. In general, I really love the house, you, but I’m in such a state now that I just can’t and don’t know what to do with it.” Even if you just say it, the other person will treat you differently. It is so? He will say: “Yes, this happens to me too. I understand you". If you didn't say anything, he would think that you were annoyed with him, and then he would become annoyed too. It is enough to simply say that your condition is not related to it and that you really want to get out of it. Maybe only this will allow you to change your condition. You can and should go further, that is, constantly watch how, what, to whom and when you say. You cannot immediately get rid of irritation; due to inertia, it continues for some time, but you just watch it. You will see how everything will change due to your awareness of yourself.

- But another person may perceive your words about how irritated you are, your offer to calm down, and everything else as manipulation. He may think that you want to manipulate him.

Yes it is possible. But if you are really sincere, then you can find understanding on the other side. He will understand that you are not manipulating him, that you really want to change something about yourself, but now it is difficult for you. After all, habitual relationships have great inertia, and in the family this is very evident. If people have treated each other in a certain way for 10 years, 5 years, a year, even several months, then it is difficult for them to change their minds right away. Therefore, the moment when the realization comes that it is impossible to continue like this, that this is a dead end, is very important. Habitual stereotypes, these well-trodden paths do not lead to anything good, but going through the period of their changes is also not easy. Changes are painful, but the main thing is that they happen. As a result, you will have completely different, new, harmonious relationships.

Everything good or bad has its own inertia. There are, for example, good friends who communicated a lot in childhood and treated each other very well. Life scattered them, and, let’s say, they met 15–20 years later. They meet as kind to each other as before. Here is an example of the inertia of a good relationship.

- I would really like to comment a little on the situation that Andrei described in connection with his mother. When he comes home in good condition and they start telling him about what he didn’t do. When he comes tired and exhausted, everyone does something to support him. I realized that his mother manipulates him very well, and it’s not for nothing that he talks about manipulation all the time; apparently, she has been doing this since birth. It seemed to me that she had a lot of unfulfillment, which forced her to make of him what she herself could not do. It is clear that his mother has big problems, and when she sees him unhappy, she thinks: “Today I will support him so that he feels good.” And when he arrives in good condition, she thinks: “I supported him, now let’s get down to work, now we’ll make sure he’s the way I want him.” She just doesn't know how to do otherwise.

In fact, it turns out that in his face she reacts to herself. When she sees her son, that is, herself, in an upset state, she begins to calm him down. When she sees him in a joyful state, she begins to do something to make him move to another state. After all, this is how she treats herself. That's why we say that the world is a mirror, and close people are big mirrors that reflect us and our attitude towards ourselves. Trying to change another person, we move away from the most basic task - changing ourselves. Through close people we can clearly see how we really feel about ourselves, what doesn’t suit us about ourselves. From here, the task of each person becomes clear and precise - to change himself in order to treat others the same way as he treats himself. This principle has been known in Christianity for a very long time, but how many people implement it? Treat others the way you treat yourself, but at the same time love yourself, because if you don’t love yourself, then you will treat others the same way you treat yourself, that is, badly.

- I want to say that I saw this situation this way. Mom took on a lot and got very used to it. When she says, “You didn’t make the bed, you didn’t wash the dishes, you didn’t take out the trash,” she understands that she will have to do it herself. And she may not want to do this, but she does it anyway. She obliged herself and will continue to do so. Maybe you should try not to do this to your mother.

Also an interesting question about who does what in the family. Very often, cleaning the dishes or some other everyday problem is the main thing through which people communicate. In the end, untidy dishes are not the worst thing. The worst thing is the terrible relationships between people that arose as a result of constant squabbles over clearing dishes or mopping the floors. What is more important: to have cleaner floors in the house or to have clean and calm relationships? This is often the choice that arises.

- It turns out that family relationships are manipulative. We try to manipulate in order to force the other to fulfill our demands. For example, I took over my mother’s behavior pattern a long time ago, doing it unconsciously. If someone feels good, then I try to hit him harder.

“I will never be like my parents!”

What is conflict between fathers and children? At a certain age, a child tells his parents: “No. I will never be like my father, I will never be like my mother." But time passes, and he has his own family, his own children, and he becomes the same as his parents. This happens very often, almost always. And it continues until a person realizes his relationship with his father and mother. Even if they died. Even if they live elsewhere. After all, they are in the child himself, now an adult. What was in the family remained in him.

- The more I listen, the more I realize how much like my mother I am. I perceive other people as something unfinished, as something that needs to be completed. They need to be given a good lesson in the form of a kick in the ass or, conversely, supported when a person hits his head hard after such a kick.

This is why it is very important to love, really love, your mother and your father. This attitude towards parents is enshrined in some traditions as a style of relationship. Is it possible to love and understand, for example, God, the Earth on which we live, if you do not love and understand your father and your mother. If you do not love and understand your father and your mother, then can you love at all? For a small child, parents are God, a great being who knows everything. Maybe later he will understand that in fact they know and understand little, but at the beginning he does not think so. In fact, any small child treats his parents as something divine, knowing and guiding him through life. At least for a short period in his life, this is exactly what happens. A person who did not love, could not love his father and his mother, will not be able to love anyone else. He will transfer to him the same conflictual relationships that he had with his parents. Why is the idea of ​​God as a kind of strict father so rooted, evaluating every action and punishing misdeeds? If you do something bad, he punishes you, if you do something good, he encourages you. After all, this is a projection of common relationships in the family. Most people don't know any different. Therefore, loving and understanding loved ones is very important from the point of view of spiritual development.

- Is it because the atheist Pavlik Morozov pawned his father because he did not believe in God and, accordingly, could not treat his father normally and love him.

He had a different god. God, which is called communism.

- What is the most important thing in a family? Those goals pursued by its members, or the people themselves? As a rule, dissatisfaction in the family arises due to the fact that family members pursue different goals. I am now faced with such a situation and realized that I am forced to manipulate my own parents. My parents became like pieces on a chessboard for me.

It is in the family that a person learns what relationships between people are. Then he transfers these relationships to other people and to the world as a whole. If everyone in a family manipulates each other, then he will never believe that there can be any other relationship. If such a person becomes, for example, a politician or has some kind of power over other people, then he will embody the style of relationships that is familiar to him. Therefore, it is very important to understand why people connect, what unites them, what their goals are. Is there something common that unites all people, a single goal that can unite everyone? All fathers, mothers, children, all nations, states.

- That's what's interesting. When I get together with my old friends to drink beer, the only thing we do is remember the good times when we had a common goal, common interests. Now we don’t have them, and we can only remember. The overall goal is really important.

What is the goal? If this is a goal that divides people, then it will lead to conflicts between them. If this is the goal that unites, then it will lead to the unity of people and a change in their relationships towards goodwill. It is very important. What goals do you set? For what reasons do you connect with each other, why do you create a family? Why, in particular, do you want to start a family or find a loved one?

"Want to get married!" - "What for?"

- Marriage is just a certain ritual. You must get in the car and go to the registry office. There you will be ringed, and you will live happily ever after. In the end, everything ends. Since I went through this, I can say that it did not give me anything good. I just got divorced.

What were you looking for? After all, you met and wanted to be together. Another question is, in order to be together, do you need to go through the registry office, have a ring, and be called husband and wife? Maybe it's not necessary. But did you still want to be together? Why did you ultimately decide to be alone? What united you and what arose later, as a result of which you separated?

- Well, on my part, most likely rejection, unwillingness to put up with what I don’t like and not do anything about it.

Was there something you didn't like about her?

- Yes. And about this, there is a reluctance to do something, or rather a desire, but maybe a lack of strength, I don’t know.

What did you expect from this relationship? What was the impulse? After all, many people get divorced. It's not a secret. Many people know that family life is not all sugar, but, nevertheless, they still get together. This means there is some kind of impulse, which means there is something that makes people do it. What is it?

- Most likely, the need to come home and cry into your vest.

That is, find a place where you can relax, where, perhaps, you will be understood, where, perhaps, you will be consoled?

- Yes, most likely.

Who else would like to speak out about what really could or has led you to connect your life with another person?

- By and large, it seems to me that there is no difference whether people are married or not, but marriage has responsibility. It seems to me that if people just live together, say in a civil marriage, they can quarrel and separate for good. And people who are scheduled, even if they quarrel and separate, then there may be a high probability that they will find the strength to get back together again.

In fact, the stamp is a formality. But often formality is a very serious point, because, let's say, your parents do not consider it as a formality. In general, they talk about the need for everything to be like people’s: “Why do you live like this? Why don't you sign? Why did you get divorced now? What it is? Everything is not like with people. It should be different." And then it becomes a serious moment. If there are close people who believe that this procedure is something serious, that it obliges you to do something, then they can influence the situation quite strongly. Do you think it is necessary to cement your relationship in a formal way?

- No need at all.

But if people do not formally seal their relationships, then what does this give them? Greater ease of consumption? We met for two nights, for example, and will spend the third separately. Nobody owes anything to anyone. In principle, this is what happens often now.

How to better equip your “social unit”

- It seems to me that sometimes this formality is needed to make it more convenient to live in society. People live together, then something happens to them and problems arise because they did not put a stamp. In that case, they go and do it. Although they could easily do without it.

Do you think that when two people get together, they should take some responsibility or should it not be done at all? Responsibility may vary. You can go to the registry office and do it as is usually done, that is, secure your relationship with signatures, rings and all that. You can simply agree by making an informal agreement. Is close relationships something where people take responsibility, or is it not necessary at all?

- It is better to agree without any cliches.

What to agree on? That you will come at one time, to one place, and this will be called your common home?

- Agree that each respects the wishes of the other and accepts him for who he is. Here's what to agree on.

Or maybe this is not necessary? Maybe love is something that exists today, but may not exist tomorrow. What kind of agreements can there be? After all, feelings change. Or is it somehow different for you? Maybe you are starting from the following thoughts: “Yes, I know that I need to get married. I know that usually the result is children, and therefore there needs to be some formality in all this.” Then we need an agreement. After all, we take responsibility for ourselves: for ourselves, for what we do, for the children we may have, and for many other things. Or, on the contrary, all these are just emotions, feelings. I want to be with you today, but I don’t promise you anything. Tomorrow I may not be there, but today we will be very good.

- I wanted to talk about the stamps in the passport. There is a strange opinion, I don’t know where it came from, that I can live as I please, this is my life, and I have the right to dispose of it. That is, I can date anyone with a stamp in my passport or without a stamp, but for some reason, if I want to have children, I have to get married. I don’t remember anyone telling me this, but for some reason it’s true that my child will grow up in society, and I don’t have the right to decide for him. I must create conditions for him so that he is normally adapted to society. I don’t know how he will decide to live further, but for some reason I have such a conviction.

What does “normally adapted to society” mean? What is important to you about this? The fact that your child can say that he has a father and mother, that is, he is not a foundling, that he was born as a result of a legal marriage? Or do you mean something deeper, related to the feeling, for example, of a child growing up in a family where there is no father or mother. Do you think this leaves some imprint on the child if there is no other half in the family?

- I talked a lot with families where one of the parents, mostly the father, is missing. I even conducted some tests and found out whether the mother had a conscious or unconscious sexual attraction to her son. Many boys end up running away from home from such things. They often hear from their mother: “I fed you, I clothed you, I worked 20 hours to raise you.” These guys then have a lot of problems, in particular, some of them become “blue”.

What does parental “failure” lead to?

Well, it’s up to everyone to choose what they want to become: blue, green or red; but in fact there is actually a very significant aspect here. In my opinion, it lies in the fact that if, for example, a mother is raising a child alone, then she usually has a very strong concentration on him. She becomes very attached to him. If she had a husband, then she would give part of her energy to him, and then her relationship with her children would be different. In this case there is some kind of insufficiency.

There is a certain deficiency in a family without one parent. After all, a child is born from the union of two people, even if this union took place over an hour or two, a year or several years, but precisely because two people united, a child was born. Every child has a male and a female part. Every person has masculine and feminine. In a woman there is a male part, in a man there is a female part, and when some part is missing in the family: either the father or the mother, then the child becomes deprived in the sense of the development of the corresponding part. Have you paid attention to this? For example, a girl who was raised only by her mother may have difficulties in relationships with men, because there was no man nearby who could give her masculine energy and strengthen the masculine part in her.

- I am just an example of how a girl was raised by her mother without a father. I completely agree with you that complete concentration on the child leads to the desire to escape. Every moment of my life I felt the absence of my father, first unconsciously, then consciously. But I also took a positive side from this situation. As for relationships specifically with men, it seems to me that the absence of a father in the family played a positive role for me. I didn’t get my mother’s attitude towards men. There were no men in the family at all.

But were there any conversations about them? Are you saying that you don't even know how your mother felt about men? You can't even imagine this?

- Now I know this, but what I am saying is that it was not passed on to me. My attitude towards men is completely different, because it…

Maybe it’s the same for you, but in reverse?

- May be.

And you say that it was not passed on to you? This can't be true. Everything that is laid down in childhood cannot remain without consequences. It may be the opposite, but you still rely on what was. You either take what your mother had or what is the opposite of it.

- Maybe this gave me experience on how not to treat men, because I treat them completely differently, and I am happy with this attitude.

The man and woman inside you

- For some reason, from birth I performed a male role. My mother saw in my face a kind of man, and already in my teens I did almost all the men’s work at home. Accordingly, sometimes I feel a man in myself more than I should. This causes big problems in relationships with men. I very often take on a male role; I often catch myself thinking that if I were a man, I would know how to treat a woman. It's very hard.

In this world, everything is the interaction of two energies. The Chinese call them "Yin" and "Yang". Everything in this world is created through their interaction. If we take, for example, what is called Spirit, the Highest principle, God, this is masculine energy. And the Earth is feminine energy. Man and humanity are generated by the interaction of the male and female principles. Harmonization is only possible when these energies interact correctly with each other. You've probably seen the symbols "Yin" and "Yang", when black and white, one is born from the other and intertwines, like two hands that wash each other. There is no master and subordinate, but there is simply interaction of one with the other.

This principle must be realized in every person, and then he will be happy and harmonious. A person is born from a man and a woman. It has both masculine and feminine principles. When one thing begins to prevail to the detriment of the other, an imbalance arises, which manifests itself in many problems. Violation of the principles of correct interaction between male and female leads to very large distortions, which cannot but manifest itself in the family. If the masculine or feminine principle is excessively reduced or, on the contrary, prevails, then in the child this leads to an inharmonious movement of his energy. Some people need to strengthen their masculine part, and others need to strengthen their feminine part, in order to harmonize their interaction within themselves. There are people who take away from family life in their father's house a dislike for a man, for a father, a lack of acceptance of a father. Someone doesn't accept their mother. Some people don't accept both. Many of them suffer because of this all their lives. Everything that happens to them is the result of the conflict between father and mother within himself. It is very important to understand this. After all, you cannot love yourself until you love your father and your mother. It is impossible to throw them out of yourself. Nobody can do this. You can separate physically, but you won’t be able to throw them out of yourself. Therefore, the only opportunity for all of us is to love our mother and father. Sometimes it is difficult, very difficult, but possible. Without this nothing will work.

- You need to understand that your mother and father were also someone’s children and were abused by their parents in the same way. The word “bullied” came out of me involuntarily. But this is often what happens. We are all victims of upbringing, and our parents are also victims, and their parents...

How long will we be victims? As long as we consider ourselves victims, we will not be able to change anything. Realizing your old programs of thoughts, feelings, actions is the only way to accept your father and mother within yourself. Fall in love and find a place for them in yourself.

- How about falling in love, calling on all your mind and feelings to help?

The mind does not love, the heart loves. The mind can find advantages or disadvantages, analyze, by the way, it is what separates. You cannot love with your mind, you can only love with your heart. The heart is a synthesis. The heart integrates everything. It unites what to the mind may look like something incompatible. The mind cannot unite father and mother. If you approach your loved ones with your mind, you will definitely find as many shortcomings in them as advantages. Then you will be perplexed all the time. Why should I love him if he has so many shortcomings? The heart doesn’t look like that, it just loves and that’s all. It accepts everything and everyone.

- But how to observe?

In every person there are, as it were, three worlds. On the one hand, this is a single world, but it consists of three. Three in one, one in three. The human world is the world of thoughts, feelings and actions. What brings people together, why do they want to be close, to connect? Perhaps their bodies are attracted to each other, or their minds are in tune, or their hearts beat in rhythm?

I love - I hate

I'd like to clarify what I mean. When I talk about the heart, I talk about the “deep heart.” About the spiritual center of man, and not about the physical. The physical heart is highly susceptible to all sorts of external influences: today it likes one thing, and tomorrow it likes something completely different. Today I love you, and tomorrow I hate you. The physical heart is very contradictory, just as the mind is contradictory. When I talk about the heart, I mean the deep, spiritual heart. If we get to the place where it is, then all people become one for us. We feel love for all people, not just one person. Perhaps what I am saying now is not entirely clear, but it is impossible to explain it in words. You can only feel it. When a person goes deep inside himself, sooner or later he will definitely get to the place where the spiritual heart is, where he feels real, true love. Usually, when we talk about our feelings, we refer specifically to those contradictions that exist in our physical heart. I love it - I don’t love it. I want - I don’t want. Like it or not.

- So you need to turn off your mind?

Mind and thought are unemotional. The mind simply determines what is beneficial to it. Recently you said that the happiest marriage is a marriage of convenience, but this is not the happiness that can be if you are in the area of ​​the spiritual heart. Yes, a marriage of convenience can be the most convenient marriage, the calmest, most comfortable in the sense of all the advantages that living together can give. You satisfy needs related to things, sex, security, the need to have a family, children... There are many benefits here, but there is no true love. So why do we connect with each other? Maybe you connected in order to have comfort, then that's all you get. Most people are looking for love without even understanding what it is. They find someone and tell them, “I love you very much.” After a while they start shouting at each other: “I hate you!” But this same man just talked about his love. The physical heart is impermanent, changeable, dual. If we talk about the relationship between two people at the mental level, it looks like business. Just as if two people came together to create an enterprise, a company. They have a certain goal, they perform the necessary functions to achieve it, and this suits both of them. But when a man and a woman are united by inner attraction, the most important thing is the feelings they have for each other. This is where all the problems we talked about arise.

- Heartfelt affection, is that what they call it?

Yes, but it is what people call heartfelt affection that later creates huge problems for them. What is the depth of your feelings? On the surface everything is very unstable. But the deeper a person goes inside himself, into the depths of his heart, the more he touches what is unchangeable, eternal. He begins to feel exactly what really unites him with all people. But you can enter into the depths of the heart only by solving those problems that are on the surface, that is, in the physical heart. It is in the physical heart that there is pain from unresolved problems in relationships with loved ones.

Why are many people afraid to go deep into their hearts? Because on this path they encounter their unresolved problems: hatred of the mother, dislike of the father... And if you do not see this, do not go through them in order to get out of the vicious circle, then it is impossible to reach your spiritual heart.

As much as we can accept our father, our mother, sister, brother, husband, wife, we can love them. But what do we have now, how do we feel about them? If we cannot now see how we treat them, then we will not be able to change our relationships. If this relationship is difficult for you, then you simply don’t want to think about it, you don’t want to return to it. But without returning to them, you cannot go further. And then everything that happens to you will be determined by these unresolved problems.

- There is also the memory of the heart, because the heart has memory. Over time, something dulls, and it seems that everything has disappeared, but this is not so. Everything remains in the heart, but we don’t want to touch and remember, especially what brought us pain.

Yes, the heart remembers everything. It remembers every insult, every disappointment. But it is through the conscious experience of this pain that we come to see what is most important. By returning to the suffering that is in our hearts, living them again, but now consciously, we go beyond pain and cleanse our hearts of it forever. I invite you to become aware of what is in your heart right now.

- Like the last moment before death?

Yes. Remember what happened to you as a child. Your relationship with your parents.

- What if I know my negative feelings towards my parents, but I can’t force myself to love them? I feel sorry for them, yes, I have pity, contempt, hatred, but I cannot force myself to love them. How can I commit an act of violence against myself?

Pain is the result of delusion

It is impossible to force yourself to love. I am not calling for this. I'm talking about something completely different: about feeling them and feeling what they feel for you. After all, the fact that they caused and are causing you pain is a consequence of their delusions. They do this out of misunderstanding. Being mistaken, they create pain: both for you and for themselves. After all, when parents do something that hurts their children, they do it not out of conscious malice, they do it out of misunderstanding. After all, their parents did the same to them, and now they do the same to their children. All this is done unconsciously.

- No, he understands everything. He tells me this directly. I talked to him about these topics, although with great difficulty. After which he usually slams the door and goes to drink. He says to me: “Why should I treat you differently? That’s the only way they treated me, so that’s how I’ll be.” He is 73 years old, and I tell him: “Listen, but by your age, you should understand something in this life?”

Look, you say the same thing: “You must.” Why do you think he owes something? True Understanding cannot be the result of coercion. You said that when a conversation like this comes up, he goes drinking. After all, he doesn’t do this out of a good life. All this torments him no less than it does you. He simply does not see new opportunities and therefore insists on the usual, old, which in reality does not bring him anything good.

- He doesn't even look for them. He doesn't even try to comprehend and understand his life.

But this is not his fault, but a misfortune.

- But I think it’s his fault, because he married out of irresponsibility and had children because that’s what he was supposed to do.

But you will never be able to love him if you continue to think that it is his fault.

- Why? Isn't irresponsibility a crime?

This is again his problem, not his fault. A person who understands that irresponsibility does not lead to anything good will not remain irresponsible, but, on the contrary, will take responsibility. But if he hasn’t done this yet, it’s only because he hasn’t realized how terrible it is, first of all, for himself. Many people are simply mistaken, including your father. He acts, perhaps, with the best intentions, as it seems to him, and if this does not lead to good results, it is only because he is mistaken. He just doesn't understand. He doesn't harm you, he doesn't understand. And if you see something better from the outside, then you should not blame, but help him understand it.

- How can I help them if they don't want help?

You keep blaming him. When you begin to truly understand yourself and him, then you will stop blaming.

- I understand perfectly why he drinks now.

- No, I understand why he drinks, but I can't help it.

Can't or don't want to?

- But as? I can't bring him a wife or anyone else.

You cannot do this, but you can help him understand that the ways he tried to get out of his own internal conflict, given to him, by the way, by his parents, and now transmitted through him to you, lead to a dead end. Everything is already so confused that if we continue to blame, we will never get out of the impasse. We will continue to bang our heads against the wall, only increasing our irritation and hatred towards those close to us. This will happen if we do not follow the path that leads to a way out of this nightmare. And only one thing leads to the exit - understanding yourself through other people. By understanding other people, you can understand yourself. After all, their problems are your problems. The problems of our parents are our problems, and if we do not want to understand them, then it means that we do not want to understand ourselves. And if we do not want to understand ourselves, then we cannot change anything either in ourselves or in our lives. Close people are given to us so that we can understand and love ourselves. And if we can understand them, then we can love ourselves and through this we will change their attitude towards us. Not in a volitional way, not through “shoulds,” not through manipulation, but with that real feeling that arises in us. After all, they still simply haven’t found this feeling, but if we can find it, then they will see that it exists. Why does some person scream, drink, swear and fight? Only because he has not yet found a better way out of his internal conflict. If this person sees another person who has found a way out of the same situation as his, he will listen to him. And we are all in a similar situation: this is a dream, a delusion about oneself, only with different variations. When a person is in the dark in a small enclosed space, he rushes around like crazy. He hits everything around and hits his head against the wall because he doesn’t see anything, but if he suddenly sees at least some light, he will stop doing this and go towards the light. Even if this light is still very weak, even if it is barely visible, but it already knows where to go. When a person does not see anything bright around, he just rushes about, not knowing what to do. Until the light of awareness appears in at least one of their close people, they all do not know what to do, but if the light of the heart appears in at least someone, then they all have the opportunity to understand where the way out of the dead end is.

“Once I managed to understand him...”

- I would like to illustrate with my own example what you just talked about. I have the same situation with my father, and one day I managed to understand him. I came home, and he yelled at me very much for no particular reason. In such cases, anything, any nonsense, can serve as a reason. I felt very bad, I left and walked around the room back and forth for half an hour and tried to understand what was happening. Eventually the anger went away and suddenly I felt love for him. Literally a minute later he looked into the room, wanting to add something, and I met him with a completely different reaction than before. Dad was surprised. He looked at me carefully, then went out, closed the door and left. I was very pleased that I finally succeeded.

Yes it is possible. See, if one person changes, then the other cannot continue what he did before. Maybe he went and thought about something he had never even thought about before.

- I was raised in a family where there was no father. I have an older brother, me and my mother. My older brother got married very early and left the apartment where we all lived together and began to live separately. I was left alone with my mother. My mother put a lot of effort into raising me, she took care of me, and I was very attached to her, just as she was to me. And at some point, about six years ago, I wanted freedom, at least not to be asked where I was going and what time I would arrive, what and where I was doing, to be allowed to hang things the way I wanted, and not just the way she needs it. I wanted to have at least a minimal amount of freedom, and since I didn’t get this, at some point I rebelled and simply left home. During these years, I either lived with my mother or didn’t, and our relationship was extremely difficult. When I came home, we could coexist peacefully for a fairly short period of time, as a result of which everything ended in some kind of scandal, because we irritated each other very much. My mother was sick for a long time, but I still didn’t show up at home, because I thought that she was sick because I left and wanted to bring me home this way. At some point I began to understand her, because it was also very difficult for her. She had been attached to me all her life, and then suddenly the child, who was “private property,” went somewhere. As I myself changed, our relationship became better. I first began to understand myself: why I left and what I want from myself, and later I began to understand my mother. After all, I was her only support and connection with close people, because my brother got married a long time ago and left. He has his own family and has little contact with his mother. She did not marry a second time. I am the only person with whom she has an emotional connection, but it has acquired some kind of pathological character, and it has become impossible to refuse it. To give up this connection means to give up everything. And as I understood myself, I began to understand her. Sometimes I disagree with her, sometimes I agree. Now, for this period, I have moved and live with her. I can say that my freedom has increased, probably not just by 100%, but by 200%, because I already tell when I will leave and when I will come. We are talking about something, but my mother does not pester me about everything, and neither do I to her. I may not be satisfied that there are a lot of shoes in the corridor, and they should be removed, but I don’t show it now. I am calm. I felt better because I understood myself and understood her. I used to get very angry and couldn’t even talk to her on the phone. I could go weeks without talking to her. I accused her of tying me to herself, and I feel bad about it, but now I understand some of her problems. I can’t say that completely, but the more I understand and accept myself, the more I accept her.

Why is a person born on this earth? We say - in order to change something in ourselves. After all, this is really so, because it is here that we need to change. Then it will be very difficult or even impossible to change. After all, with the death of the body you do not disappear. While you are in the body, you can change something in yourself, but there it is no longer possible. If you have unresolved problems, then they remain there too. And you can solve them only by being here - in the body. If you still have grievances and condemnations, then figure out how they arose and transform them. Do it here and now. It is here and now that we have real opportunities to do this. Katya told us about her mother. After all, she, like any person, wants close relationships, wants warmth and understanding. But many people reduce all their desires to one specific person, for example, their daughter or son. They do not know how to love everyone and everything, and therefore they concentrate only on their children. The destruction of this narrowly concentrated feeling causes pain for both of you, but at the same time it is impossible to improve the condition of this person unless you give him the opportunity to understand that closeness, warmth and love can come to him from all sides, not just from you. Too many people are focused on one thing, not realizing that the whole world is overflowing with love, it is everywhere. And maybe a child, having left his parents and realizing this, can come back to them, but completely different. And then it is he who will help his loved ones expand their understanding and sense of love. But this is the most important thing.

“Six years ago I left home...”

- The fact that I left my own home six years ago and did not live with my mother brought me a very wide experience of what kind of relationships exist among people in general, including among close people. I was able to look at myself from the outside, at how I lived before, at what the environment requires of me and what I demand from it. Understand that many of my desires lead nowhere.

Moving away from what is familiar, a person begins to experience the world in a broader sense. This applies to a very large extent to children. When a child grows up in a family, he believes that everything in the world happens the same way as in his family, but then he begins to see and feel something different. Then there is a desire to separate and go find out. He goes off to find out what he doesn't already know. Then he may come, but completely different, and bring his new understanding to his parents. Just because a person is older does not mean that he understands more. This is not true, so it is children who can teach their parents new things. This means that not only the parents are responsible to the child, but the child is also responsible to the parents. What I'm talking about now is the responsibility for understanding life as it really is.

- A short excursion into history. At the age of 17, in the prime of beauty and youth, I was hit by a truck. She received quite serious injuries and spent three months in Sklifosovsky. At first, when I was young, I somehow didn’t feel the consequences of this trauma, but later, over the years, I began to feel that irreparable damage had been caused to my psyche and everything else. First romantic love in ninth grade. I am marrying this man. I soon realized that I had made a mistake, but I continue to live with the memories of my romantic youth. This marriage was unsuccessful. I realized that I needed to free myself in the name of the child. A lot of effort went into this. The divorce was very difficult, because my husband resisted in every possible way, he probably loved me, in general, he still says that I am his only love in life. May be so. In any case, I tried to break this rather strong connection. After the divorce, we still dated for ten years, and I didn’t have a man. Then I realized that I had to move on and live a full life in the name of the child. The child grew up, and I was very interested in him, I enjoyed every minute of communication with him and watched his development. It was terribly interesting. I don’t understand mothers at all who say that if there is no father, then the mother is attached to the child. It happens the other way around, she simply abandons the child to the mercy of fate and gives it to grandparents or some acquaintances. I have heard a lot of just such confessions of little girls who were abandoned by their mothers. After all, such mothers are still young, healthy, they need a man, but living conditions did not allow them to meet with them, so they sent the children to their parents. I was somehow so fixated on my child, because some smart man told me that a mother is the closest person to a child, and there’s no getting around it. I had very difficult relationships with men, probably as a result of my character: difficult and demanding. In the end, I raised myself a friend, and it seemed to me that this was the only person who would truly understand me. She told me: “Mom, you are the only person who loves me.” Of course, the time came when she turned 17 and wanted to go somewhere “hippie” from home. I was somehow calm about it. The child has grown up and wants to go for a walk. There were trips to St. Petersburg for three days and almost marriage. I somehow also took it calmly. I thought it was meant to be. But when it really came, I kind of panicked. I thought it was very difficult. I think that a cordial attitude towards this situation will help me.

You are two people who helped each other in the sea of ​​life, and, of course, now it’s hard to part. It’s hard if you don’t see anyone or anything around you except her and your feelings. But there is a lot around, and if you open up to life, then it gives you not one, but many close people. And perhaps this closeness will be of a completely different kind. A closeness that never goes away.

- I would like to, and she would like to. We went through it all and always came back to each other.

But you were left with the conviction that only you can understand each other, and no one else in this world can understand you.

- Yes, I have that feeling. This is probably wrong.

It's so hard to live. Of course, you can live like this, but it is very difficult. Why are we gathering here? Maybe by opening up to each other, we become closer and see that there are other people who can understand you and yourself. These people may not be our parents, may not be our husbands, lovers or anything else, but perhaps they are even closer in spirit than those people. And there are many such people. Anyone can become such a person. After all, we are all in a spiritual relationship with each other, we just forgot about it. And if you know this, not just heard someone say that, but really understand it, then life becomes completely different. And then parents will not be so attached to their children. They will do everything that is necessary and possible for them, but will calmly let them go when the time comes. And they will calmly go where they should go. This is a different relationship based on self-understanding, when everyone feels, understands and loves all people, and not just one or two friends or relatives. After all, we are all people - one big family.

- Ava can imagine and understand the experiences of a person who was hit by a car at the age of 17 and then fell into Sklifosovsky. After all, they were talking about cutting off my leg. How can you understand this without experiencing it yourself? I can not imagine.

Each of us is given our own experiences. You have such an experience. Everyone is given those experiences that can lead him to an understanding of the most important thing, to the level of the spiritual heart. This can happen to you through something that happened to you. It will be different for someone else, but that's what we're all heading towards. We go through different experiences, different paths, different trials, but all towards the same thing.

- I understand that this did not happen by chance, but isn’t this experience too harsh, isn’t it too traumatic and tragic for further developments?

“Why do I suffer more than others?”

I can't say that this is true. Life is very wise, infinitely wise. However, we can understand her wisdom only by moving to another state of consciousness - into a state of experiencing the unity of everything with everything. We must move into this state consciously. Life is very wise and gives us exactly what we need to enter a unified state of consciousness. Everyone has their own test, and it is the best for them. We evaluate everything that happens only by external effects. One person is given one thing, another another. One person experienced clinical death, another had his leg taken away, a third became a drug addict... You begin to look at this from an external point of view, and not from the one I’m talking about. Until you simply understand that all your trials are the path to the spiritual heart, to the very depths of your inner center. Yes, if a person’s leg was taken away, his life became physically more difficult. Yes, if he is sick, then life is more painful for him. But what is the most important thing in everything that happens to you? The main thing is that this is what leads you to the center. We come here only to return to our true center. Not in order to live a respectable or more or less prosperous life, that would be stupid in my opinion. Why then is all this needed? Why all this evolution? Is it really just so that some people can live a comfortable life? Why all this civilization? Is it really so that someone has a fur coat, a car, a dacha, or a bank account? What is all this for, is it really for this? Living just for this, in my opinion, makes no sense. There is something much deeper and more beautiful. Perhaps what each of us is experiencing now leads us to the most significant. But we continue to evaluate our life from the point of view of the most insignificant things: comfort, some dubious well-being, and so on. If you look from this point of view, then some are more lucky, some are less fortunate, but this is a superficial view. After all, deep down we are all going towards the same thing, but each in our own way. And everyone is given exactly what is best for him, in order to understand himself and come to his center. Why do you need this test? This means it is the best, the most correct for you. Why do I need this test? So it's the best for me. And if I grumble and say: “Why did they take away two of my legs, and he only had one?”, then that means I don’t understand anything. So I continue to support my delusion. According to human strength and test.

- I wanted to ask. So you said: “Can another person understand me without going through the same thing that I went through?” What exactly should he understand, and why do you think that only after going through this can a person understand you? Wouldn't he understand it any other way? People shouldn't understand each other at all. Everyone has their own life, everyone lives it the way they live it, and we are all very different. Then, in theory, we should not understand each other at all. After all, some people experience situations that are much more serious and complex than yours. This means that we must constantly conflict with each other, and there cannot be such things as love and friendship.

It is very interesting that you are now focusing on this. You asked: “How can another understand me?” He may not be able to understand you if he has not gone through your experiences. But is his main task to understand you? Maybe the most important task for him is to understand himself? What do parents usually try to do? They are trying to make the child understand them. To do this, they begin to create for him the same situations that happened in their personal lives, so that they can then point out and say: “Look, you went through this. Now do you understand how bad I feel?” But the main thing for every human being who comes to Earth is to understand himself precisely through what happens to him. If we begin to limit his life and create only those situations from which we ourselves cannot get out, then we are actually replacing his life with our own, and a failed one. In doing so, we are committing the biggest crime. Each person must live his own life. It is his own life that will help him, if, of course, he wants to understand who he really is. And if he understands who he is, he will see that all people are one. He will learn the most important thing that will allow him to understand all people, and you in particular. Only by knowing himself can a person understand others. Therefore, the task of loved ones is not to make the other understand why they feel so bad, but to allow him to go through his life path, his trials so that he understands himself. Having recognized himself, he will understand everyone and everything.

The other side of great love

- Alexander Alexandrovich, can I tell you my situation? I remember how as a child, with the abundance of parental love, I often felt some kind of unconscious fear of life. I looked around, and it seemed to me that I was very weak and could not do anything, and if I lost my mother, I would die immediately. Somehow all the time I was internally preparing for something, for some kind of test, that I would end up in the desert and I would have nothing to eat...

I want to say that I am very lucky with my mother, she is a very courageous woman. With all her affection, she always turned on her mind and gave me a lot of freedom, probably so that I would not fall into life abruptly, “off a cliff,” but gradually get used to it. Recently I felt a very strong desire to test my strength: whether I can do something or not. This overcoming of fear suddenly happened. It seems to my mother that it is her fault that I want to run away from her, and I try in every possible way to explain to her that it is my inner desire to learn to live. And it’s not about her at all, I am very grateful to her for the courage with which she accepts all this, because the process of separation of parents from the child is inevitable and should happen to everyone. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship: warm or cruel. It seems to me that even if I had a bad relationship with my mother, it would be easier for me to move on with my own life. This is another extreme. On the contrary, it is very difficult to move away from great love.

Many children say that their parents did everything to ensure that they left home. They are offended by them and believe that they simply wanted to kick them out. But look, everything has two sides. Let's say you were very attached to your parents, and they were very attached to you, and suddenly they die, because in life anything can happen. You are left completely alone. Your affections remained, but those to whom they were directed died. This shock is similar to what a baby experiences at birth when its umbilical cord is cut. After all, he lived in the shell of his mother, she nourished him, and now he is thrown out into life. The cutting of the umbilical cord is a material reflection of this fact. Of course, there is a very strong energetic connection between the child and the mother; it lasts quite a long time and is transmitted through feeding, touch, and words. But a fact has already occurred - the cutting of the umbilical cord, showing that this person has come into life, and here he must separate. Two bodies can no longer exist in one. This separation occurs in the material world, and therefore parents must prepare their child to begin to live his own life, that is, independently. Here's the other side of the coin. You need to learn what independent life is, and those parents who, perhaps, were somewhat harsh, harsh towards you from childhood, actually contributed to your preparation for independent life, although, perhaps, without even realizing it. Here's the other side. Thanks to this behavior of your parents, you became independent earlier. Perhaps later you will need to work through what you were deprived of at the beginning, that is, warmth and care. Yes, you were quickly thrown into life and immediately began to take care of yourself, but you were deprived of affection, and therefore you will look for it. Those who were not deprived of it in childhood will still have to make up for the other side, that is, they will have to learn the state of loneliness, learn to be independent. Anyway, sooner or later we all go through each of these stages, faced with all the dualities that we must connect within ourselves. It’s just that some first meet the left side of this “coin”, and then the right, while others vice versa. Life is wise. Life is very wise, and what happens to us is correct and necessary for us to know ourselves. But if you focus only on one side of what is happening to you, and do not try to know the other, then you have a one-sided perception and therefore continue to suffer. Why blame your parents for not giving you the other side of the “coin”, because it very rarely happens that parents can give you both. Usually people fall for one thing, and if they are attached to you, then they are only attached. If they're trying to get rid of you, that's all they're doing. To give the opportunity to understand both - perhaps this is precisely the art of education. So that the child knows that he is loved and feels this relationship. And at the same time, he would be given the opportunity to learn to be independent. Because if he does not become independent, he will not be able to build relationships with people as equals with equals, he will always be dependent on someone. Each of us got what we got. Most likely, it was only one side, now you need to understand the other side, and then integrate them into yourself. This is the path to your own integrity.

- Yes, Alexander Alexandrovich, life is indeed wise, and the heart is a faithful teacher, so we need to turn to it more often. It will tell you exactly what you need. I myself was born in a small town in Kazakhstan and lived there for 19 years. There is silence all around the steppe. I was born into a family where we had 5 children: 3 boys and 2 girls. Mom raised us according to the principle: turn to your heart more often. Even in her speech, she constantly used the following words: “A mother’s heart tells me... Tanya, turn to your heart too.” At the age of 19 I ended up in Moscow and I won’t say that there were any pre-conceived plans to stay here. It happened somehow on its own. For the first year I lived with my mother's sister. Now, having already lived through this period, I realized that it was a test. She often told me: “Tanya, you live according to the dictates of your heart, you can’t live like that, because you have nothing. You don't even have a residence permit. You won't succeed." This was hard. I am now very pleased to realize that I have endured and I can say with complete confidence that your heart really tells you what you need to do. I have met wonderful people and truly am fully reaffirmed that you should always turn to your heart.

Can you see the Man in the Man?

Some people are carriers of thoughts, ideas, some ideologies that actually contribute not to the unification of people, but to their division. Having such thoughts, people begin to treat each other as something that interferes, threatens, and so on. And only when a person himself sees that he is not this ideology, is not these thoughts, will he be able to look from the outside at everything that happened to him and understand that someone gave these thoughts, ideas to him, but he did not Understanding what he was doing, he took them. It is divisive thoughts that lead us to a terrible state of internal and external discord. When this fact is realized, we begin to see who we really are and understand that we are all very close people, that we are all one.

- Yes, I also wanted to say that changes have begun in me. When it was no longer possible to hate anymore, this feeling fell away, and it turned out that there really was that main feeling that had always been there, for one’s own mother. Let's put it this way: a pleasant feeling.

I think this happens in many people's lives, or at least has the potential to happen. The child first perceives his parents as something unshakable, very significant, big, strong, then suddenly he sees that they are weak people, that they themselves do not understand what they are saying. But you can go even further and see each of them as just a person and love him. Because everything that separates us is connected only with the illusory, false ideology that we have unconsciously absorbed. But if you separate man from this ideology, you can see Man. To see that being who wants and craves love, but simply does not know how to get it. By the way, it often happens that it is the child who sees this more than his parent, and perhaps he will be the initiator of a new understanding. Perhaps the changes that occur with a son or daughter can lead to them starting with their parents.

- I am not saying that something has been exhausted once and for all. I believe that everything will be repeated, perhaps more than once. Conflicts, quarrels... But now I see both sides, now I know them. And if earlier I tried to treat this calmly and could not, because I did not see myself, now I am really calm. I began to eliminate my attachments to situations. I can now kind of move away from what is happening, because I see myself from the outside. I see that everything is not outside, but inside me.

Seeing the Human in a person is the most important thing. After all, we are all one, and we are only mistaken about our own division. And certain ideologies convince us of separation and support this illusion. It is very important to separate a person from such an ideology. To see the Human in a person, you need to see in yourself and understand that the ideology that divides us is based on our addictions. When we really want or don’t want something, we begin to be afraid, and then we are not able to see the person and the situation as they really are. We simply feel the fear of loss, the possibility of loss. If we weaken the addiction, remove it, then we will be able to see ourselves and other people clearly. Maybe this is the most important thing we all strive for.

- How scary it is to see a person open up, because then you have to open up yourself, this is the ideology that “sits” in my head. When people open up to me, I suddenly feel scared because I have to open up too. I want to always be open, but I'm scared. These two sensations always fight within me. I'm still honestly scared of the full disclosure situation with my mother. Probably the most difficult thing to come to open up with is your own parents.

At the same time, this is the greatest opportunity to achieve liberation. Whatever seems the most difficult is also the biggest opportunity.

- Regarding openness. When two closed people communicate: I am closed and he is closed - everything is fine, but when one begins to open up, the closedness of the other becomes clearly visible. And from here, I think, acute discomfort arises when a person begins to feel closed in relation to someone who opens up to him. This difference is very noticeable.

How can you tell what you're wearing? Just seeing a naked man. The frankness of the disclosure cannot leave you indifferent. If another person begins to open up, then everything changes. You can no longer play the role you played before. Either you leave or something happens to you. Many people want their friends and relatives to open up and be sincere, but this cannot be forced. You can only start doing it yourself. You can only begin to open up yourself, then something will happen to them. This is the only way it is possible, and no other way. And if you are very unhappy that your child is deceiving you, then the reason is not in him, but in you, because it is you who taught him this. But admitting this to yourself is very difficult. But if you are sincere with yourself, then the other person will not be able to do what he has always done. Therefore, a lot depends on the person himself, on how ready he is to change himself. Your changes will definitely be accompanied by changes in the people around you. If you try to change other people without changing yourself, then nothing will work. The problems you had will only get worse. If you find the strength to change within yourself, then these same forces will change other people nearby. It won’t work out any other way; you can, of course, indulge yourself with an illusion, but this is stupid, this is a dream.

Close people are parents, brother, sister, friends... Naturally, relatives are treated with respect. Parents take care of their children from early childhood, and friends support them in difficult times. Of course, I also respond to their requests and do not remain indifferent to their problems. But the main thing for me is family, and I understand that my parents need my attention and help.

In the epic novel "War and Peace" L.N. Tolstoy shows different families. Reading the novel, you pay special attention to the sincere, warm relationships in the Rostov family. I would like to remember the episode when Natasha tirelessly takes care of her mother, who fell ill with grief when the Rostov family received news of the death of their youngest son Petya. I think that this is exactly how relationships between close people should be.

Unfortunately, in life there are all sorts of well-known cases when children who have grown up for years do not communicate with their parents; they are completely indifferent to the fate of their mother and father. And this is reflected in fiction. For example, in the story “Telegram” by K.G. Paustovsky's young woman Nastya shows indifference towards her mother, who lives out her life alone in the village of Zaborye. For three years, she never came to see her mother, even when Katerina Petrovna first asked Nastya in a letter to come and see her, Nastya did not respond to this request, although she felt internally uneasy, showing indifference to her mother.

This story makes you think: Do we always treat loved ones properly? Why are we so morally deaf towards our loved ones? Why don’t we feel how difficult and lonely it is for our loved ones, as Natasha Rostova and Marya Bolkonskaya feel? These heroines from the novel “War and Peace” by Leo Tolstoy are an example of a sensitive, kind, merciful attitude towards loved ones.

Effective preparation for the Unified State Exam (all subjects) - start preparing

Updated: 2017-12-02

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The attitude towards close people sometimes depends on your mood, although they may not be involved in the situation that affected you. I want to discuss the topic of relationships with loved ones, with relatives. Each of us has had moments of misunderstanding in our relationships with our family. Sometimes it seems to us that we know better what to do and what not to do.

What determines our attitude towards loved ones?

There is a key question I will ask. It will give you important thoughts, and maybe it will allow you to take back responsibility for what is happening, that is, give you back your own power. And the question is: are you a kind person in relationships or are you a strict person?

There is an idea that it would be good if your close and dear people supported you in everything, would always be for you, and would forgive you some mistakes. But there is reality, which sometimes differs significantly from ideal ideas. And sometimes, in fact, we are as strict as possible with our loved ones. It happens that they get the most. And if suddenly they are guilty of something, then for some reason our reaction sometimes does not correspond to the degree of seriousness of what happened. Only because they are not as perfect as you would like. Or they do not fulfill the role or function in your life that you believe they should perform. And this creates a very large number of problems, a lot of pain arises.

Sometimes, instead of supporting a loved one, we begin to condemn him or somehow interfere with him, because his opinion or ideas about something differ from ours. Why are you a strict person towards your mother, but you don’t notice your mistakes? Why can’t you forgive your father for something, but you easily forgive yourself for intemperate words?
In fact, the support of loved ones is very important to each of us. And the easiest way to get it is to give it yourself. Once again I remind you that if there is something missing in your life, then you need to start experiencing it or doing it as much as possible. Do you want to be loved by your loved ones? Start loving and accepting them as they are, without trying to change them or set them on the right path.

Is it better to be strict with yourself or be strict with your loved ones?

In fact, it is better to be strict with yourself. For example, keep your word. And the attitude towards loved ones should be kind, honest and loving. It is very important to support a loved one when necessary. So, whatever you want to get from your family, give it yourself. Your care and your understanding can work wonders because your loved ones give you strength. By loving them and receiving love in return, you become stronger.

There is a wonderful film based on the novel by Eleanor Porter “Polyanna”. If you haven't watched it, be sure to check it out. The main character is a cheerful, brave girl who loved her relatives no matter what, and in the end received an award. Her playing “for joy” enlivened the whole city.

Just think about your attitude towards loved ones. Should you be strict or should you just love and accept them?

One of the most common and discussed topics is the attitude of man to man. Even schoolchildren write essays about this. Although this topic is included in the high school curriculum. And this is correct, since talking about relationships before adolescence (that is, until children have formed at least some kind of consciousness) is practically pointless.

The main thing is to understand the essence

So, what is it - the relationship of man to man? It is not very easy to write an essay on this topic if you want to express your thoughts so that they are understood and, most importantly, felt by others.

The essence of human relationships has long interested thinkers. They tried to find as many ways as possible to achieve balance and harmony with each other. But this topic will never lose its relevance. No matter what advice Freud, Dostoevsky, Socrates or Solomon gives, relationships will always be difficult. Sometimes, especially at the beginning, it doesn’t seem so, but practice shows the opposite - everyone has difficulties.

Well, to write a truly interesting essay with meaning, you should think about the very essence of the topic. Identify her problem for yourself, analyze life cases and situations, try to put them on paper in a draft version, and then draw certain conclusions from this, preferably even with advice.

Decor

It is necessary to follow the traditional structure of the essay, but it will be original if the main part is composed of several mini-essays. To make it clearer, we can give an example. So, the introduction is written, now we need to get to the main thing.

It was said just above that in order to better express your thoughts, it is worth describing specific life situations. You can briefly talk about something, for example, that sometimes even the strongest relationships, tested for decades, collapse due to the fact that one of the couple stopped listening to the other. Say how important it is to listen to the opinion of a loved one, to make compromises, otherwise, because of your own selfishness, you can destroy everything.

Here's an example. Writing an essay on such a burning topic should be approached not from the point of view of practicing syllables or literacy. A psychological approach is needed here. It is necessary to think, remember, analyze and put yourself in certain situations, looking at them from different angles. Then the essay “Attitude towards People” will become not only interesting, but also, possibly, instructive.

Subtleties of psychology

The vast majority, when they hear the word “relationship,” immediately think of “man + woman” couples. This is logical, since this topic concerns almost everyone. But it is worth noting that this word also refers to many other interpersonal contacts.

There are a lot of terms in psychology. The types of relationships to a person are numerous - identical, dual, tonic, relaxing, stimulating, parallel, opposite, mirror - and this is only a small list of terms under which a detailed and diverse characteristic is hidden. But all this is not needed for writing. Even if a student knows the terminology and can explain the essence of each concept, the essay will turn out to be too lengthy. And not everyone will be able to understand it. So the theme of love, friendship, family, camaraderie, friendship, work is quite suitable for an essay. All this corresponds to such a theme as “the attitude of man to man.” An essay, of course, is written most often about one’s friends or parents, less often about lovers, due to age. However, you can also write a discussion about something in which you do not yet have personal experience, but you have some thoughts on this matter.

Presentation of thought and its specificity

“The attitude of man to man” is an essay that should make you think. The topic is very suitable for reflection. You should not fall into despair if at first glance it seems that there are no thoughts. They exist because there is a lot of material to write about, even too much. He is all around us.

Every day we observe from the outside the attitude of people towards each other, we ourselves take a direct part in interpersonal contact. In order to write about this, you just need to make some effort and remember what impressed you. This could be a good situation in which kindness and philanthropy were demonstrated, or something that hurt the soul in a bad sense of the word - this also needs to be covered.

By the way, essays on such moral and ethical topics are remembered better if they commented on something immoral and inhuman. Such texts make you think and sometimes reconsider your attitude towards something. But this is the main reward for the author.