Problems arise in relationships, your partners are similar to each other with their shortcomings, and you just can’t become happy, it’s time to think about whether everything is okay with your understanding of what true love is. Because often relationships are not healthy, but neurotic. And if you continue to do nothing, you can hardly hope that everything will work out on its own. Because it won’t get better and won’t get better until you start changing yourself. Today we decided to talk to you about neurotic relationships, who neurotic people are and what to do if you are in a neurotic addiction.
Which relationships are neurotic?
Any relationship that makes a person suffer and worry is considered a neurotic relationship. They are built on the internal problems that one of the partners experiences. And it is not at all necessary that this be a love relationship; any relationship can be neurotic - love, friendship, with parents, and even with a boss or colleagues.
All neurotic relationships are built on the fact that a person is used to suffering.
What kind of people are neurotic?
When experiencing some feelings, it is important for him to feel sorry for himself. Was he treated unfairly by his boss? Wonderful! He subconsciously got what he wanted. And not at all because he did everything to make it happen, no, it’s just that a person with a healthy psyche will try to defend himself or start looking for another job, and a neurotic person will continue to work. And he will do this until the company closes or he is fired. It is difficult for him to leave, since only this form of relationship, when he is offended, is acceptable for him.
Such neurotic relationships are often observed when one of the friends constantly humiliates or uses the other, and the latter tolerates everything and blames it on her bad mood. One gets from this the satisfaction of some of her needs, and the second gets the necessary feeling of self-pity. Such self-torture is due to the fact that in childhood a person did not receive additional love and attention from his parents and got used to associating normal relationships with people exclusively with that sad experience when his parents were cold, cruel and did not pay attention to him and his needs.
Relationships between parents and children
When neurotic relationships arise between children and parents, children are deprived of the opportunity to achieve their goals. Because parents constantly demand attention, not specific help, but sympathy and obedience. They constantly complain about illnesses or difficult relationships with someone, but they react inadequately to any practical advice to see a doctor or resolve the issue peacefully, expressing resentment and a lot of complaints that the children do not care about them.
They will never support or encourage, on the contrary, they will criticize whatever their son or daughter, even adults, decide to do. Because it is important for them to keep them under control and always at hand, and if they succeed, it will be much more difficult to do this. Therefore, they will never please, no matter what they do, and they perceive any success as a threat to their position in relationships with children.
How to get out of addiction
Getting out of a neurotic relationship with parents is simply necessary if a person wants to achieve something and live the way he likes. And, without constantly looking back and without fearing that you are again to blame for something or have done something wrong.
And the best thing in such a difficult situation would be to live separately, especially with your wife or husband, otherwise family life will definitely not work out. And conversations with parents should be conducted exclusively on banal topics about the weather and their affairs in general. Communication should not include discussion of your plans for the future and what you have already achieved. This will save your psyche from unnecessary worries and injuries, and will not shake your self-confidence and desire to do what you like.
Neurotic relationship between woman and man
But if such a relationship with parents, when a person has grown up, can still be somehow regulated, reducing their negative impact on one’s life, in love this leads to big problems and is fraught with serious disagreements. Why is it so important to fight such manifestations of your psyche? Since it is impossible to call a neurotic relationship between a man and a woman healthy and fulfilling, much less strong. But again, it’s worth remembering that when you yourself have a healthy psyche, but your partner does not, you cannot change him. Only the person himself can do this. You can say that he needs to see a psychologist and that’s it. Although even such interference will be a reason for a scandal.
Until the person understands that there is something wrong with him, he will deny any evidence from your side. At the same time, of course, you should also go to a specialist, because, being in such a neurotic relationship, you may be mistaken that everything is fine with you. Few people can tolerate someone who constantly suffers and complains.
Your loved one is neurotic
If one of the partners is neurotic, and the other has a healthy psyche, he will leave very soon, because he cannot withstand such intensity of passions. If both are neurotic, the relationship can be quite long, filled with suffering, reconciliation, showdowns, betrayal and interest in other people. Because neurotics often light up very quickly and cool down just as quickly, although only if the object of their sympathy reciprocates.
When the one they liked does not respond to them or is disappointed and decides to break off the relationship, then the partner does everything to be together, this is especially true for women. For them, such behavior of a man, no matter what caused it, becomes a signal to action: to conquer him and bring him back. It becomes a kind of obsession for them. After all, this goes back to childhood, when dad was not there or he did not show much participation in his daughter’s life, and she now needs to win his love at all costs. She transfers the image of an unattainable father to a man.
A person who is not neurotic knows how to love himself first, and then everyone else. His love for others is built on his love for himself. He will not do more for others if he is not willing to do it for himself. Therefore, he always loves those who love him. If this is not the case, then he has no feelings. They disappear, no matter how strong they were at the very beginning of the relationship. He just gets bored when he doesn't get anything in return.
For a neurotic, this is a signal to action: to win attention, capture, conquer. And when he succeeds, he begins to suffer in a different way. He transfers all his grievances against his parent to his partner. Women make complaints to men that he does not love her, does nothing for the family, does not care, is selfish, does not pay attention to children, drinks, plays, etc.
True, all this can often be true, because she subconsciously chose someone who is not suitable for family life at all. But instead of running away from him without looking back, she connected her life with him in order to be a victim and again return to that feeling of love, filled with suffering, as in childhood. For her, this is precisely the state that means love. It is difficult for a neurotic to imagine that true love should bring joy and tranquility, fill the soul with confidence and faith in the best, and not with self-pity and resentment.
Love is a wonderful feeling that should bring joy to everyone who experiences it. But this is ideal; in life it often happens that when people fall in love, they begin to suffer. No matter what anyone tells them, no matter how much they write that true love is never unhappy, much less unrequited, they don’t want to hear it. Because they are neurotics who are deeply convinced that love can only exist with suffering and nothing else.
What to do?
And you won’t be able to convince them, no matter how hard you try. They can only change their lives on their own, realizing that something is wrong with them and their understanding of love brings them pain. At the same time, they must understand that this can and should be changed, the main thing is that they want it themselves.
It’s not easy to cope with this; usually you can’t do it without the help of a psychologist, because you have to get rid of childhood grievances and traumas and learn to love yourself. But you can always take the first step by asking yourself, “What would I like to do now?” and do it. And stop doing what you don’t like, no matter what the reasons force you to do it, getting used to receiving joy from yourself and your life.
No matter how strong a person’s feelings are, no matter how strong the passion, sense of duty, fear or fear of being rejected, for one’s own sake one cannot indulge in neurotic relationships that bring pain and suffering. This is not normal, wrong and dangerous.
St. Petersburg is a city of strong, but very nervous women, weak, but intellectually developed men and neurotic relationships between them. In the matter of improving the health of the townspeople, we turned to the most sought-after psychologist in the country, Mikhail Labkovsky.
Mikhail, you just conducted a two-hour lecture-consultation “How to get out of neurotic relationships” with yourself, your partner, your parents and your children. There were two hundred women and ten men in the hall, and you sorted out about twenty cases. Does the “general temperature in the hospital” in St. Petersburg differ from Moscow, for example, or other cities where you performed?
There are almost no differences from Moscow. From London, Riga and Kyiv - yes. Women are more in demand there, there are more married people there than in St. Petersburg. Mostly unmarried women with complex relationships came to this lecture, although many had already been married two or three times. This has to do with demographics. Russia historically has a shortage of men. That's why our women spend a lot of effort trying to please. A friend told me how at the Cannes Film Festival one of our famous women walked along the beach in 12-centimeter heels. He asked her: “Natasha, why are you doing this?” And she replied: “We don’t even go to the bakery without heels.” The competition in the Russian bride market is really tough. Because of this, our women are the most beautiful - they take care of themselves because they want to get married.
In Russia, everything is normal with sex: in couples it happens one and a half times a week.
There is no need to woo anyone. I like him, he likes me - that's how it should be.
Why do some people get married and others don't? Three things do not affect this: appearance, age and character. But what influences it is a more complex question. In Europe, where the gender ratio is different, men with such an approach as ours will not find a bride. There the woman will choose. And in China there are generally two times fewer women than men - so they are carried there in their arms. And immediately the men turn out to be so active - their eyes light up, and they like everything.
There is such a marker of a native resident of our city - he cannot move out of his father’s house in time or emotionally disconnect from his parents. Do all neuroses come from relationships with mother and father?
Not really. Also from psychological trauma: an infant can end up in the hospital without mom and dad and come out completely psychotic. But in general, yes, parents are more traumatic if they themselves are neurotic. At the same time, they can be good people, love the child, but not be friends with their own head at all. I'm not a fan of classical psychoanalysis. And what difference does it make what the causes of your neurosis are? We need to solve problems and get out of neurotic relationships.
Neurotic relationships are those in which you feel stupidly bad.
Many reflective St. Petersburg residents constantly experience melancholy, fall into existential crises, most often on the eve of big dates, and experience difficulties in communicating with people. How to determine that this is not just a difficulty, but a neurotic relationship?
Neurotic relationships are those in which you feel stupidly bad. You are suffering, you are unhappy. If you have a neurotic relationship with someone, the most important thing you need to understand is that you have a neurotic relationship with yourself. Speaking Russian, you don't like yourself very much. You can talk about it, you can remain silent, but when you start acting, it becomes clear that you don’t love yourself at all. You may think: “Well, I’m nothing like that. But stupid. Blonde". And also to note this with self-irony. And self-irony is self-aggression, not a sense of humor. So, when you don't love yourself, the world doesn't love you either. Because people read how you feel about yourself. This is how the psyche works at the level of sensation from communicating with someone. If you don’t love yourself, you develop neurotic relationships with your partners. Because you choose a person who does not suit you in everything.
When you don't love yourself, the world doesn't love you either.
For example, you are drawn to those who are not available: married, living in another city or country. This means that for you, love is also suffering. But love, it should be about happiness, not about pain. Of course, everyone can fall in love with the wrong person. In this case, you tell your married boyfriend to leave the family - but nothing changes. What to do in this case? The third rule from my “Labkovsky Method” - immediately say what you don’t like - has an addition: if you said it, but nothing changes, then you must jump out of this relationship. Otherwise, it will turn out: you don’t like it, but you don’t say “goodbye” either. It's as if you press the gas with your right foot and the brake with your left.
While you are young, such behavior is still possible, but with age, such affairs can lead to psychosomatic illnesses, because the body cannot be in a state of constant stress. You don’t do anything: you don’t leave, and you don’t accept the situation. And I am against the practice of “working on yourself” - there is an element of violence in it. And I encourage you to do only what you want.
You talk a lot about marriage, but you yourself are not married.
I have been married for thirteen years. I have a child and a good relationship with my ex-wife.
Clients don’t protest; how can you advise about married relationships if you yourself are not in one?
No. Do you think that I should definitely be married?
It is so established, especially in Russia, that marriage is a criterion for a happy life, the realization of a woman’s ambitions, a man’s financial viability, as well as normality and what not.
I agree with it. If I met a person whom I loved and wanted to have a family, I would be married. But I can’t get married for the reason why women do it - only because I’m already so many years old, so I already need it.
So this is purely female logic?
Yes, purely female. Men approach marriage differently. Men take responsibility for women. A woman’s status in marriage increases, but a man’s status does not.
Then why does a man get married at all?
He loves a woman. And humans are also social creatures. We have a biological need to live in pairs. I don’t adhere to the norm that if you don’t have a family, then you’re sick, or you don’t have children, then you’re sick. That's bullshit. If a person does not complain, then everything is fine with him. End of story.
You formulated your method at the age of about fifty. Did they specially make personal rules in order to achieve the status of a star in Russian psychology, travel around the world giving lectures, and giving interviews?
“Labkovsky’s Six Rules” is thirty-seven years of continuous work. I myself try to live by these rules - they work like clockwork. If I don’t like something about a girl, I immediately jump out of the relationship. And I don’t bother myself that the best thing in my life could have happened to her. And if you still need to achieve it, then immediately not. One young lady, simply lovely, told me: “Mikhail, I never meet men I like.” Well, that’s the kind of psychotrauma she has. She refused me a date. And according to my rules, I can’t even propose to her a second time. That's all, the issue is closed with her. It is important to always behave the same with everyone. And then it works.
Labkovsky's six rules
1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Immediately talk about what you don’t like.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.
Text: Natalya Nagovitsyna
What is a "neurotic relationship"? To put it simply, this is a relationship where you do not get joy and pleasure. Although Freud would joke about this, saying that a person, even when he suffers, also derives pleasure from it.We know that many people are in similar difficult relationships. But at the same time, judging by the fact that they continue to be in this relationship, they apparently receive some kind of masochistic pleasure there.
And this is not just a boy-girl relationship. This could be relationships between loved ones, relationships with parents or relatives, and even with work colleagues. In general, your relationship with the world is either healthy or unhealthy.
Those who are unhealthy are called neurotic.
How are they formed? The child loves mom and dad, or whoever he has. Not just loves, but, especially up to three years of age, loves uncritically, considers them a part of himself, and himself a part of his parents.
But, for example, the mother sent the child to the grandmother, and she herself went to work. Or dad drinks and they yell all the time. Or he has cold parents, and he feels unwanted, misunderstood, and so on.
In all such cases, he associates love very strictly with a certain suffering: fear, a feeling of loneliness, misunderstanding, and so on. When he grows up, he looks for relationships in which this love can manifest itself, and it can only manifest itself if he suffers.
Love is the experience of childhood emotions. And therefore, when a person is really touched by something, when some feelings arise, these feelings are absolutely similar to his childhood experiences.
In order for him to experience them, he needs two things: a person who will awaken these feelings in him, and a relationship with him in which he would begin to feel sorry for himself. Because a child, suffering and loving his parents, first of all feels sorry for himself.
He feels sorry that he is treated so unfairly, that he is not loved, that he is treated poorly, that his brother is loved more than him, that another child is valued more than him, that he is not accepted for who he is, that he is a poor student, and in general, he will grow up to be a complete freak, because he hunches his back and puts his elbows on the table, and holds the fork with the wrong hand. This all remains with him, unfortunately, for the rest of his life. So, neurotic relationships are it.
You met a young man. You started an affair, you even slept with him, after which he stopped calling altogether. For a healthy girl, this is the end of the relationship, she, of course, can cry after this, but she is no longer interested in it.
And for a neurotic this is the beginning of great love. Since her love lies in the fact that she should feel sorry for herself. It’s funny for you, girl, but not for your neighbor: her dad forgot about her birthday, and she’s making it up now.
She cried a lot, and her mother said: “No, he’s just on a drinking binge now, he’ll remember later, daughter.” But in fact, he was sober, he just had another family, and he forgot about everything else. So she will bother.
In fact, there are such married couples at the reception. But these people often live in conflict. Moreover, they live a long time, 20 years, 30 years. They are not satisfied with the way they live, but they do not change it.
How many women contact us about their drinking husbands? We have to upset them, tell them that their husbands are healthier - they just drink. And the fact that they send them to doctors, psychologists, treat and save them, say that they will leave and slam the door - this is a much bigger problem. My husband is just drinking.
The biggest problem in neurotic relationships is that the person does not enjoy life. Not from children, not from spouses, not from life in general. This is the whole tragedy of neurotic relationships. Because a child who, as it seems to him, unrequitedly loves his parents, loves, already beginning to suffer.
What does a healthy relationship look like? A person loves someone who loves him. He’s not interested in anything else at all, end of story.
Who is to blame and what to do
You grew up in a loving family, but you still became neurotic. Who is to blame for this? Parents should not be blamed for two reasons: if they were bullies about you and drove needles under your nails, then they are simply sick, inadequate people from whom there is nothing to ask.If they are just such people - neurotic, aggressive, cold, insecure - what is the point of being offended, it is not their fault. Parents are who they are, and no matter how offensive it may be to you, they cannot offer a different childhood.
And then, a child could end up in a box without a mother at the age of one and a half months with some illness and come out completely neurotic. Mom has nothing to do with it again.
The child could be afraid of the dark. These are children's stories that are not related to parents at all, but related to illness, leaving a child alone, whatever.
Living beings are very fragile mentally. Our neuroses are not necessarily the consequences of our parents' actions. There are genetics, heredity and so on.
You have admitted that you are neurotic, that your parents are neurotic, that your relationships are neurotic. What to do?
First: try to do what you want. When you are faced with a choice of what to do, you have different motivations: this is right, this is what I promised, this is in good faith, this is logical, and this is what I like.
You should always choose the option you like, no matter what the consequences. This will bring pleasure to you and other people. But if you know that you have some pathological tendencies, then you need to go to the doctor.
Second: don't do what you don't want to do. This means that you cannot endure anything for the sake of anything: not for the sake of marriage, not for the sake of peace on earth, not for the sake of money.
Third rule: you should always say if you don’t like something, don’t keep anything to yourself. True, here it is worth mentioning that it is worth saying about yourself: “I don’t like it.” We must avoid the phrases: “You’re a goat” - this is an attack and “Why are you doing this to me?” - this is a complaint.
Neither one nor the other is suitable. Only literally “I don’t like it”, “it hurts me”, “it’s unpleasant for me”, “I don’t want it” is suitable.
Love and libido
Our ancestors created a family where emotions were not included at all. The family is a religious institution that is designed to support the community. And the criteria for choosing a husband and wife were: health, wealth, background, and so on.But in the Middle Ages, the choice to marry for love first appeared. What has happened so far?
Of course, you are happy that you are marrying for love, even to a complete freak, you love him. Unfortunately, love, unlike rational choice, is an unstable sphere, and marriage is completely unsuited to such instability.
As we say today: I love him, I want to have a family with him. And then everything depends on the psyche. This is the question that interests you all: why some families live long, while others separate. It all depends on how stable your psyche is.
Some say the secret to their long marriage is compromise. Bullshit. Compromise is bad for your health. Compromise is doing something you don't want to do.
And the real reason is this: when a person has a stable psyche, then he has a stable relationship. If he is internally stable, structured, his psyche is not like that of a neurotic, but absolutely healthy and mature, then he can live his whole life with a healthy person, he will not be bored, and the attraction will also be there all his life. And due to mental instability, today I love one person, and tomorrow another. That is, everything depends on the psyche of both in a couple.
In addition to love, we also have libido. This attraction is completely unconscious, in no way connected with the qualities of another person. Girls can relax about this.
Three things do not play a role when choosing a partner: age, appearance and character. Because all this has nothing to do with libido at all. Otherwise, someone bothers, makes breasts for themselves, but it’s all to no avail.
If you apply logic when choosing a partner, then you get a rational choice. But your emotional sphere is not involved. And such marriages, unfortunately, are flawed; no one loves anyone there.
But if a man is generally such that he does not need these feelings, then the woman will still look for how to fall in love on the side. That is, rational choice of a partner is not an option.
But changing libido, that is, changing attraction, is a very difficult task, but solvable. What is it about?
A person is constantly drawn to something bad. Women are attracted to some kind of scum, men are attracted to bitchy women. Everyone understands everything with their heads, but they still pull. Attraction occurs only to this type of people. Something can be done about this, but it is a very difficult process.
Questions for Mikhail Labkovsky
How can I explain the situation when a person appears in my life who shows sympathy, and this makes me feel afraid and want to run away?This means that you are afraid of relationships; you were apparently abandoned as a child. There is no need to fight this fear, you just need to be prepared for the fact that everything can end in different ways, including sadly. Wider shoulders, higher nose.
Deep down, I really like strong, status men. But I am very afraid of them and choose the weak and unworthy as partners. And I’m afraid to approach a strong man.
One thing you need to understand is that what matters in life is what a person does and feels, not what he thinks. It's a strange idea, but it's true. Your actions are what you really want.
And what you speculatively imagine has nothing to do with reality. What we choose is what we really need.
If neurotic relationships are a diagnosis, does that mean it needs to be treated?
No need. It doesn't work in the "I'm sick and I have to get better or I'll die" format. These are not diseases, but so-called behavioral problems.
Although neurosis, of course, does not lengthen life, I would not use the word “should”. You have to want to change it yourself. The correct question to ask is: “Can I get rid of this?” You can.
By the way, many oncologists believe that cancer is a consequence of repressed emotions. True, cardiologists will say that if you constantly yell, it will lead to a stroke, and it is not known which is worse.
When a person is anxious, his blood pressure begins to increase at the moment of anxiety, which increases pressure on the blood vessels, which become more fragile with age. Cardiological diseases are congenital only in a small percentage of patients, and all the rest receive their strokes only from neuroses, that is, from a mental problem.
Are neurotic relationships necessarily mutual, and is it possible to get rid of the neurotic nature of a relationship while remaining in it?
If both of the couple are neurotic, there are no options. A healthy person will not be in a relationship with a neurotic person. When I do therapy, one of the couple seems to be cured, his psychology changes.
And, as a rule, he becomes uninterested in neurotic relationships. If they are both cured, then the couple can maintain the relationship; if someone is alone, he, as a rule, leaves it.
I really like to love those who live in another city or even country.
You join the sad ranks of lovers of married men. You have the same problem: loving what you don't have. You love speculatively, hypothetically.
There's a whole bunch of possible reasons here. This is a story about people who either did not have a father, or who may have had a father physically, but was not present in their lives. You can’t do anything about it, but you have to do it with yourself - change your psychology.
A healthy person wants a normal relationship, and no matter what anyone says, with normal love people want to live together. If things are different, it is a neurotic relationship. If you want to change the situation, you need to realize that this is not love, not a relationship, but how other TV shows are watched, and you call and text back, this is your entertainment.
I grew up in a loving family, then calmly fit into a loving family with my husband. How can I stop being afraid that I will be abandoned, and what should I do then?
This is infantilism. You need to grow up. If you have a difficult relationship with your mother, you call her not because you want to talk, but because “she is a mom,” then there is only one thing hidden behind this. The fact that mom will die before you do, and then you have to live with it.
And you, out of fear that you won’t be able to withstand this feeling of guilt, are ready to endure and call and nod your head, although you don’t love your mother. When you talk to her, you are afraid of her death. But your parents want you to talk to them not because they will die soon, but because you have a real need to talk to them. That is, so that you call them not because you are afraid of them, but because you feel a desire to talk to them.
But to do this they need to be outgrown. When we talk about “mama this, mom that” claims, you behave like a child who is full of grievances, full of complaints and really is not in the mood to talk to his mother. And after an unpleasant procedure, when you put your parents in their place a little, forcing them to communicate according to your own rules, after that you are already an adult, and your mother is an elderly woman. And not “I’m a five-year-old child, and this is a mother who bullied me as a child and now won’t let me go.”
When you outgrow your father and mother and become a real adult, you have a great relationship, soul to soul, call each other five times a day, and are not afraid of anyone, are not offended by anyone.
What should I do if my mood is spoiled at work and I bring it home?
If someone gets on your nerves, he is stronger than you. The only person you can accept this from is your child. Everything else should raise the question: “Am I that weak?”
When you are a strong person, when you are confident in yourself, it is very difficult to get angry. That is, no one will get on your nerves at work. That is, there will be some people who will try to shake you up emotionally, manipulate, provoke, but this will not affect you.
He makes me hysterical, and I'm smart and beautiful. How can I force myself to leave him?
People never give up what they like. I quit smoking when I told myself that I don't like smoking, but I'm addicted. So you have to tell yourself that this is not a relationship, not love, but this is the problem. As long as you think that you like it, you have such a difficult relationship, there is no point in quitting, because you like it.
My method is to develop healthy reactions and life skills in a person with psychological problems using six rules that regulate his behavior.
These are the rules:
1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Immediately talk about what you don’t like.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.
How it works
Every person, even in childhood, develops stereotypical reactions to repeated stimuli. For example, if parents are constantly in conflict, talking in a raised voice, the child gets scared and withdraws into himself, and since this happens all the time, the child is constantly in fear and depressed. It grows, the behavior continues to be reinforced year after year. Thus, a flawed psychology of an adult is formed, which is characterized by lack of initiative, apathy, inability to take responsibility, to realize oneself, and most importantly, the inability to enjoy life. During this time, strong neural connections are created in the brain, the so-called reflex arc - nerve cells arranged in a certain way, which force them to react in a strictly defined, habitual way to any similar stimulus.
To help a person overcome fears, anxieties, uncertainty, low self-esteem - this arc needs to be broken. And create new connections, their new order. And there is only one way to do this “without using a lobotomy”: with the help of ACTIONS that are unusual for a neurotic. When a person begins to act in a way that is not neurotic, and therefore uncharacteristic for himself, changes in his psyche occur at the biochemical level. Following new neural connections, new, previously unusual emotions arise in the brain: confidence, calm, a sense of stability. And, as a result, the psychology of a person with high self-esteem, who loves himself, and, most importantly, enjoys life, is gradually formed.
Therefore, we need to start acting, breaking our behavioral stereotypes. And when there are clear instructions on how to behave in each specific situation, change is real. Without thinking, without reflecting, without turning to your own (negative) experience. And in accordance with the rules of Mikhail Labkovsky.
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Ecology of consumption. People: If you realize that your psyche is constantly looking for reasons to shake up and greedily rushes to any reason to panic, when you understand how it works...
90% of our worries concern what will never happen, Margaret Thatcher accurately calculated.
And Zhvanetsky suggested "Let's deal with troubles as they come", – and this is the healthiest and most effective scheme.
Neither be afraid in advance, nor get upset later and mentally return, but just like that - as you arrive.
But that’s exactly how it doesn’t work out.
- Constantly worried about something - this is our normal state. At the same time, what we know is that anxiety does not help, but greatly hinders solving problems. But we don’t know what we’ll do if we stop freaking out and worrying, right? Some kind of emptiness forms inside, where does it go? This is the problem.
- Anxiety is fear without an address. They are most intense at dusk - a scientific fact. And so parents worry about their children, girls worry about boys, boys worry about money... Some people think that this is how the world works. Nothing like this. This is how only the world of neurotics works, who create hell in their heads every minute.
- Anxious for no reason or for an insignificant reason – this is what it means to be neurotic. In our country these are the majority.
- How do mentally healthy people differ from neurotics? The fact that they, of course, are also nervous, but experience real emotions that have real, compelling reasons - these are specific events, stimuli in the outside world. Neurotics, on the other hand, continuously generate the causes of their irritation within themselves.
- For anxious people, life is just a series of problems, that need to be resolved and worries that need to either be drowned out (with alcohol, for example), or realized (to throw a full tantrum), for example. So you look, and the day has passed.
- A neurotic always needs that fly in the ointment in any, the biggest barrel of honey. Discomfort, frustration, anger, resentment - feelings with which they are familiar, they are always at home with them. And what is typical is that they themselves do not know how to enjoy life and do not let others enjoy it.
- When the psyche is sharpened by excitement, there will be no reason for the matter: an unwashed cup in the sink, a toilet seat that hasn’t been lowered, the dollar exchange rate, drunks on the subway... And off we go in the morning. After all, if a person has a need for constant experiences, he needs to lean into some kind of negativity in order to “calm down” and say to himself: “I’m not just worried, I’m worried about it!” Do you understand what a substitution is? At first you are afraid of everything and only then find something to put your fear into.
By the way, many, with all the desire and opportunity to live abroad, nevertheless remain in the country - here we have a lot to be nervous about, but in old Europe there are no reasons for worry to the usual level - and it’s boring, and sad and all that.
- One day, try to stop and find out for sure: What are you nervous about? How adequate is your reaction to the available stimuli? Or are you still neurotic and nervous, not because your child has an Unified State Examination, there is a crisis in the country, or there are layoffs at work, but solely because you can’t help but be nervous. As Sigmund said: “The scale of your personality is determined by the magnitude of the problem that can piss you off.” So what is your scale?
“In addition, many people in childhood develop such a stable and life-damaging emotion as self-pity. I advise you to think about the topic - why are you feeling sorry for yourself now? Are there serious reasons for self-pity? Why do you feel inferior, feel like a victim? Or maybe all this happens by inertia? Maybe it’s better to try not to feel sorry for yourself, but to act to eliminate the causes of your disorders?
If you realize that your psyche is constantly looking for reasons to shake up and greedily rushes to any reason to panic, when you understand how this works, you will have a chance to move into the category of normal people and remember that anxieties, worries, fears, neurotic reactions do not allow you to develop, grow, realize oneself - neither in personal relationships nor in work.
When I was at school, above the blackboard in our class there was a poster with Lenin’s statement: “We will take a different path!” So for centuries we have been following some other path, perpendicular to the whole world. And this pose, and this enormous resentment towards the whole world, which is supposedly up in arms against us, and this aggression, as a consequence of the resentment - all these are factors that seriously influence the psyche of an entire nation, an entire country. “Be vigilant - the enemy is not asleep”, “A chatterbox is a godsend for a spy”, “Have you passed the GTO standards?” Where can I relax here?
Also interesting:
- The origins of anxiety as a way of life again and always lie in childhood, in the fears of parents and of course, in genetics. Our grandmothers, great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, and I suspect all this goes back centuries, were forced to live with caution and certainly none of them lived as they wanted. Therefore, such a lifestyle is not natural for us. But someone has to start... published