How often, in a fit of anger, parents say words to their children that penetrate deeply into their consciousness, hurt, leaving a mark there for many years. As a result of the wrong actions of adults, the child becomes aggressive, his self-esteem decreases, and his parents cease to be an authority for him. How to avoid this? Let's look at 7 mistakes that adults make during quarrels with their children, and then try not to repeat them.
1. Focus on personality, not actions
When a child does something bad, parents often tell him that he is bad, saying phrases like “I don’t need such a child!” or “You’re a terrible boy!” With such statements, mothers and fathers hurt their children. It is important that the baby understands that it is not he himself who is bad, but the action he committed that causes disapproval of his parents.
2. Shifting the blame onto children
Sometimes, during times of strong irritation, parents begin to scold their children for something for which, in fact, they are not to blame. For example, a mother forgot to remove a plate or cup from the table, and the baby, running past, touched it, it fell and broke. Or another case - dad allowed me to pet the neighbor’s dog, but it bit the baby. And now the father scolds the child - don’t you know that a dog can bite? Who is to blame in this case? Is it a child? Why should he be scolded or punished? By shifting the blame from themselves to their children, parents can achieve only one thing - over time, their child will begin to do the same, he will not admit his mistakes. I think everyone will remember a situation when we need to scold ourselves, but we scold a child.
3. Demonstrating your superiority
Adults often demonstrate their own superiority to their children, which causes them to feel inferiority and humiliation, annoyance and resentment. This can be explained by the example of a situation where one of the parents, having taken a toy from a child, puts it on the closet or somewhere where the child cannot get it himself. What happens to the child at this time? He is in despair, he feels his own powerlessness and deep resentment, he begins to feel. You need to help the baby cope with his feelings, and the parents make the situation even worse by leaving him alone to think about his behavior.
4. Punishment by deprivation of material benefits
Do you use this technique - having promised to buy your son or daughter a toy, you take your words back if the child behaves badly? This is what most parents do to achieve obedience from their children. But is this right? Undoubtedly, this method helps to quickly put children in their place, but what motivates them to obey - do they think about the feelings of their father and mother? No, in this situation the child is only concerned with his own benefits. When he gets older, he will understand that it is better to please his parents so as not to be deprived of material goods, and not out of respect for elders. At the same time, the teenager will accumulate his own experiences, resentment, anger and irritation within himself. Never punish children by depriving them of material things, but teach them to respect your feelings, explain why they need to do this and not otherwise.
5. Aggression, rudeness, physical punishment
If, during a quarrel with a child, a mother or father loses control over themselves, makes rude statements, shouts, or uses force to educate them, then the children adopt their way of acting. They learn from their parents that in a critical situation, loss of self-control is the norm, that the one who is stronger, who screams louder and expresses himself more rudely is right. While the child is small, it seems that such educational measures work, but in fact the baby is simply afraid of the parents’ reaction, so he behaves well. Little children cannot fight back against adults - hit, shout, but when they grow up, we should expect a similar response from them.
Note to moms!
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6. Demand an apology when parents don’t do it themselves.
To teach children something, you need to lead them by example. Parents will not be able to instill in their child the habit of asking for forgiveness for their actions if they themselves do not do this. Situations happen to everyone when, under the influence of fatigue or irritation, we can say a bunch of hurtful words to children. After a fight, we regret what we said, so why not tell our daughter or son: “Forgive me, I said hurtful things to you, I don’t really think about you that way.” What will happen next? Usually children also apologize for bad behavior by hugging their parents. Ask for forgiveness even when both parties are to blame, do it first, so that the children take an example from you.
I’ll be honest, sometimes I myself lose my temper and say hurtful words to my daughter, which I later regret. But I always try to apologize for them. I tell my daughter: “Please forgive me. I lost my temper and told you something completely different from what I really think.” The daughter usually apologizes at this moment too: “Mommy, forgive me too. I was so capricious and behaved very badly. It was unpleasant for you. Will you excuse me?” And we usually hug.
In situations where we were both good, I usually apologize first. And at the same time, I don’t blame my daughter, I don’t say that she was wrong either. The daughter herself admits her part of the guilt in such situations and asks for forgiveness.
7. Use of humiliating punishments
When a child is guilty, he is punished, but this must be done correctly. When applying educational measures, use the rule - it is better to deprive a child of something good than to do something bad to him. For example, it is better to refuse to let your child watch cartoons or read at night than to raise his voice and spank him. Remember - you cannot humiliate a child by punishing him, so never scold children in the presence of strangers. If you are in a crowded place and your baby is behaving extremely badly, either postpone parenting until later, or step aside and talk to him quietly.
You can make a lot of mistakes in raising children, because we are all human. A simple rule helps greatly to reduce the number of conflict situations: before you say anything to your children, say it to yourself. When the situation gets tense, scroll through this phrase in your head, it will help you stop at the right moment, and therefore avoid mistakes. By applying this rule, you will notice that children will begin to show respect, their self-esteem will increase, and they will begin to control their words.
“School for Young Fathers”: “How to quarrel with a child correctly”
The main mistakes in raising children
Note to moms!
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When we force a child who wants to be a video blogger to become a lawyer or accountant, we are essentially depriving him of a future job. How schools kill the freedom of children, why carry out career guidance from the age of ten, and why a class of 30 people does not socialize a child in any way, but only increases the risk of bullying - KYKY asked the director of IT-Princess Academy Valentina Chekan to answer all these difficult questions.
“Our children see cynicism in the school system”
KYKY: Is there a problem with closed children?
V.Ch.: This is not a problem of closed children, it is a matter of trust. If a child feels good, if he feels safe, he knows for sure that he will be heard, that he is accepted here. A closed child is a child who periodically, virtually or in reality, gets slapped on the head for opening his mouth. The one who realized that his survival strategy was “sit, be silent and don’t show off.” Don't ask questions, don't be inconvenient. Adults don’t like being pestered; to ask is to be a fool, and so on. This is a bullied child.
Valentina Chekan is a teacher with 20 years of experience. In 2016, she opened the IT-Princess Academy school. In essence, this is STEAM education: students at the Academy study design, programming, listen to lectures from visiting journalists and cosmetologists - in a word, they do everything to gain skills relevant to the 21st century and at the same time choose their future profession.
KYKY: Whose fault is this in your opinion? Are these the parents? School? Society?
V.Ch.: It does not happen that the school is separate, parents are separate, and society is separate. It’s a nesting doll – everything is nested inside each other. It is the fault of any adult who touches a child. If you don't know how, don't try it. If you don't like children, don't touch them. Don't know what to do with them? Go study, then give birth. Everything is very tough here. I have been working with children for more than 20 years, and for me it was once a discovery that parents, when they bring their child to school, always ask for the teacher’s credentials. “What is your category? What is your experience? How many of your graduates are excellent students, and how many are not excellent students?” But before having children, we don’t ask each other the question: “How many books on pedagogy and psychology have we read?” Have parents received appropriate training before planning a pregnancy? Or do we sincerely believe that as it was born, so it happened? Parenting is a serious, big responsibility.
KYKY: And school education - how much does it contribute to the “systematic” nature of children? And to what extent - “silencing”?
V.Ch.: Systematicity can be both positive (when we know where to start and how to continue) and negative (when we integrate a person into the system, when we break out pieces of personality, add unnecessary ones, and form an image acceptable to the system). If the system is sick, then the image turns out to be sick. Unfortunately, there is no consistency at school in the best sense of the word. The continuity of generations has been lost, for example, among teaching staff. When I started working, my supervisors taught me to meet the standard of the profession. There was such a thing as “incompetence.” If you, for example, shout at children, you are unsuitable for your profession, leave your profession. I would bring this term back to school to improve staff continuity. So that teachers have pride or at least responsibility from the fact that you work with children. Then it becomes a system, and the child understands that he has come to school with a master who is meticulous about his profession. Unfortunately, our children see cynicism in the school system, and this is the worst thing an adult can show to a child. When an adult does not believe in what he says, when he says one thing and does another, this is corruption. And children get used to it. This cynicism does not make society healthier, and it is very difficult for parents to cope with.
We must understand that society is developing very quickly, and yesterday’s schoolchildren – they are 14 years old today – in six years they themselves can become parents. They will graduate from school, get married in two years and broadcast the same things to their children. Now I go into the children's clinic and see that young mothers, one-year-old children are sitting - and everyone has smartphones in their hands. It’s calmer this way when the mother doesn’t know how to deal with the child differently.
KYKY: Just like a modern school, in principle. Don't you think that this is also a kind of overexposure?
V.Ch.: Overexposure, yes. And the responsibility of parents is very important here. When I hear that parents are unhappy with the school, I say: “Then leave.” Now there are many opportunities to switch to homeschooling. Take care of the children yourself. Okay, the school is imperfect, the state is imperfect, the mass of people around are imperfect. These are your children - take care of them yourself. But this is inconvenient.
KYKY: Does homeschooling deprive children of socialization?
About this theme: “Home” children are not downtrodden. Homeschooling as a way to protect a child from the school system V.Ch.: It's a delusion. What kind of socialization does school provide? Bullying? Aggression? Building the most brutal hierarchies? We can achieve such socialization in the yard or by sending the child to the village for the summer. During these three months he will receive such socialization that we will continue to care for him until the New Year. The issue of socialization has arisen for us for the last 70 years, probably. But if you look at how people lived, how they socialized centuries before you and me, you will see deep communication in the family and in the community. The six-year-old was not allowed outside the door; he was walking in the yard. The apprentice - a boy of 11-12 years old - went to work and socialized closer to adults. He learned to interact in the world in which he would live most of his life - the world of adults. And how do we socialize them? Through the same age? They already know how to communicate with each other, they are socialized. Well, is it necessary to socialize in a team of thirty people? Where are we now working with thirty people? But still, the skill that is most difficult for our girls to learn is the skill of teamwork. When you need, for example, to divide one leaf between two people: you draw on this side, I draw on that. There is a lot of indignation: “Give us two leaves, we can’t agree to draw the same thing from different sides.”
Does a child learn teamwork skills when he has thirty “cellmates”? I do not believe in this. I don't believe they are learning to negotiate. They learn to build an absolutely zoo-hierarchy. Is this civilization?
KYKY: What is civilization?
V.Ch.: Civilization is when a child knows how to safely interact with another person. And he is always brought up in a state of danger. So many parents say: “So what? And that’s how we lived.” - Well, who did this make happy?
It's hard to estimate how long this teamwork skill has been missing. I worked at a school for 10 years, taught at a university for 10 years, and I had absolutely systematic tasks. It never occurred to me to make these observations, since they had nowhere to come from. And now I understand how wrong we are raising children. I'm starting to notice a lot of things that I didn't notice in children before.
KYKY: Teamwork is one of them. And what else?
About this theme: Rooster, Batman and a chessboard - how Zisser, Motolko, Gorvat and other Belarusians were dressed up for children's matinees V.Ch.: Reaction to an adult when a child finds himself in two different systems. They come to us - it’s one system: it’s safe here, we hear them, understand them, teach them. The girls work hard, but it all comes through acceptance, through help. This is a normal learning model. And then they go to school. And I see how many resentments arise against adults for not being able to provide them with such a level of security and trust.
The older girls tell me: “Valentina, we also have a fat director at school, but she doesn’t act like you.” I say: “What is she doing?” “Well, she yells at us all the time.
She is also a director, and you are a director. You sit until night, and she sits until night. Why can you, but she can’t?” And I can’t explain to them why we can and they can’t. Of course, it’s not fair to contrast these two systems, but I’m glad that they have the opportunity to come and study somewhere else.
“Tell her what she could do to make her want something.”
KYKY: Do many children come with a desire to grow in a particular direction?
V.Ch.: Last year, adult young ladies came to us - from 13 and older - and the parents very often uttered a phrase to which I did not know how to react: “Valentina, tell her what she could do, so that she wants something.” I start asking: “What professions did you show her? What professions does she know? - “Knows those he encounters in everyday life.”
I ask the girl: “What does mommy do?” - “Mom works in a bank.” "What is she doing?" - "Well I do not know. Sitting at the computer” – “What is dad doing?” - “Dad is probably a programmer” - “What does he do?” - "I don't know. Programs...” And when I find out from my parents how many professions they were able to show, they say: “What do you mean show? Should we send her to work?” Maybe not. But what if you take her to your place of work for the day?
Children know the professions they encounter: doctor, teacher, salesman. They probably even understand what these people are doing. And if we say “lawyer”, they won’t understand. Designer – this is actually an interesting story.
Every second young lady comes to us and says: “I want to be a designer” - “What is it like to be a designer?” - “Well, I will have a laptop, I will come to a cafe, sit by the window and be beautifully reflected in the glass, sit, work, draw.”
But this is not work. This is the image she has. Younger girls say: “I’ll be a veterinarian” - “How do you imagine that? What will you do?" - “I will have many animals. I will watch them." On the other hand, when we tell them about the IT sector: “It’s a cool profession. The first programmer was a woman,” the girls answer: “No, I’m stupid. I do not understand anything. My parents tell me that this is very difficult for me.”
About this theme: “Today you are seven years old, and we will tell you about masturbation.” How and when to talk to children about sex These are questions of self-esteem: who can I be? And how many professions fall out of my range of possibilities just because I don’t know about them or I think I can’t do it. It's like a young lady's closet with clothes. Until she tries everything on herself, she doesn’t know what to wear. While we haven’t allowed her to try a dozen or two professions with her hands, how can she choose? We must try to do in this profession what people do every day. So, I’m a designer: this means that I sit down, open Photoshop and methodically, under the dictation of the customer, do not what I like, but what is asked. I fit into the size, color, shape and idea. There is creativity and inspiration in it, but it is still hard work. Someone says: “I will retouch photos. I’ll work in a fashion magazine” - “Okay, come on, we’ll retouch the photos for an hour and twenty minutes.” Then you no longer want to sit down at the computer for 24 hours.
“DJ girl? Are you seriously?"
KYKY: At what age should career guidance begin?
V.Ch.: There is the experience of Holland, where at the age of ten a child makes a choice which field he will go into: technical or humanitarian. Everyone says: “Oh, at ten years old, he still doesn’t understand anything.” Well, he makes a choice, because before the age of ten he was shown everything: what it is to saw, plan, compose, dance, program. He can understand what he has abilities and talents for. We begin career guidance at the age of nine. I always tell my parents: “If she understands at nine years old that she doesn’t want to be a designer, that’s great happiness. If she understands at ten that the field of 3D modeling is close to her, that she “fumbles” in it, that she “tastes” doing it, this will be a great happiness.”
The main thing is for parents to think like this: “I sent you to a music school for seven years. Like it or not, sit and play. You’ve been training for a lot of years, why are you going to quit?” In this case, I always ask: “Will this become a profession? What are we spending our time on now?” If this is just a skill, then you need to clearly hear as soon as the child says: “I don’t want to, I’m tired,” and switch it to something else. Until you leave your parents' wing, you can try a million professions. And maybe you shouldn’t force the child to go all the way?
I think parents should be more flexible and listen to their children. And ask yourself an important question: “Is what my child is doing what he wants, or is it something I haven’t finished playing?
We must understand that the biggest manipulators are parents. A parent will always find a way to convince a child why he should (or shouldn’t) go somewhere. For my sake, this is an impeccable argument. I don’t think this is right, I am for talking with the child. Learning should not be forced.
KYKY: You said: “If a child understands that this profession is not his, this is happiness.” Do your parents share this belief?
V.Ch.: Now - less often. Now they come for the skill. Many parents say that they would not want their daughter to be a programmer, but they are in favor of their daughters having skills - this makes it easier to integrate into a million new professions. She can be a marketer and know how to work with Photoshop, Premiere Pro, and make websites. We are talking not so much about a profession, but about areas and skills that can now be integrated into any profession. We have an interesting girl, she is 10 years old, and she says that she will be an astronaut: “But, I need to know a little bit of everything. You need to understand how everything works." Some skill can become a profession, but this is not necessary. She can now dance and study media design. And when she stops dancing, and she is not so old, she can turn her experience and skills into creating a show, into producing, into directing, into media design.
“60% of students study for professions that will soon disappear due to the development of technology”
KYKY: Is there any misunderstanding between parents, children or schools about modern professions? Do parents understand that what they may not even consider a profession now will become very relevant in a few years?
About this theme: A good nanny is not afraid of video cameras, but she won’t wash the floors either. How to distinguish a professional from a quitter V.Ch.: Yes, most parents coming to us may agree with design as a profession, but they may say: “DJ girl? Are you seriously?" Mom wouldn't want the girl to be a DJ. Or: “She wants to become a video blogger, but it won’t be like that, right?” When coming to us, not all parents understand that the same lawyer, in our usual understanding of this profession, will not be needed after a while. But if they do not share our futurological view of professions (“What are you talking about, an accountant will always be needed!”), they understand that without our skills even an accountant will not be able to. We bring you to how professions are changing. Mom laughs: “She wants to be a veterinarian.” We say, “Listen, a few years ago a veterinarian on the coast of Australia found a penguin with its leg cut off by a fishing net. She took him in, went out, healed the wound, but the paw was still gone. The girl downloaded a 3D modeling program, built a model of his paw and printed out a plastic prosthesis for him.” Simple story, right? But this is a veterinarian who already exists.
60% of students study for professions that will disappear in the next 10-15 years due to the development of technology. 70% of young people are now starting careers in jobs that will be “radically affected by automation.” The higher the creative component of a profession, the higher the chances that it will survive - all professions that are amenable to mathematical algorithmization will disappear. More than 600 professions have disappeared in just 100 years!
Someone says: “I want to be a fashion designer. I will draw figures and model clothes with a pencil and pen.” And we say: “Look how virtual and augmented reality works. You see the fitting room of the store - they scanned you in it and dressed you. And you see in the mirror what you would like to leave with. Who will do this? Professions are changing, and we need to talk about it.
Recently, a poster from one school was discussed on Facebook, where professions in demand in Minsk were indicated. 24 professions: driver, builder and so on.
This is something you shouldn’t show to children. It is wrong to lower their ceiling. Someone will say: “Okay, I’ll become a driver.” Or maybe you'll start drawing cars? Or, understanding how technology works, will you learn to incorporate new algorithms into it? Things will be different in the future.
Examples of professions that will change radically:
Cashiers, waiters, bank operators, postmen.
Office managers, sales managers, travel agents.
Agricultural workers, drivers, truckers.
Accountants, tax and other inspectors.
Diagnosticians, ultrasound specialists, radiologists, psychotherapists, therapists, surgeons.
Masons, machine operators, printing workers, turners.
Journalists, reporters, librarians.
Oil and gas industry workers.
KYKY: So what should parents do?
1. We need to talk to children, show them at least our professions, read with them what is happening in the world. Not scary news, but news about technology development. If you can have fun at your job, your children will pick up on your passion. Maybe they won’t take over the sphere, but they will definitely understand that it’s cool to be like this. This is important so that their curiosity is not suppressed.
2. No need to evaluate. There is a sad experience when parents come into the office and say: “Well, the colors don’t match.” The child thinks: “Okay, it doesn’t go together.” And if I can’t, that means I won’t. And then he again has to be inspired and motivated. Parents often want to evaluate rather than support. And we ask parents to take the child’s side, to say: “Do you like what you did? And if you did it tomorrow, would you do it the same or differently? Did you do everything you could or did you save it for another time? The way you did it is good, but if you did it professionally, you could correct this and that.” This is not an assessment. The child is on his own, the result is on his own. The result can be discussed without including the child's personality. And here we have a balance: a C student means a fool.
3. Be proud. “Your work has gotten better! The 38th attempt is absolutely fire!” Children always sense lies. I really love this detector. Kids are always responsive to praise, but older ones feel everything. They don't just want praise. They expect a detailed analysis and respond very well to it. The main thing is honesty. They expect point-by-point assessments and questions: “How did you do it? What did you do? Do you like it? Did you have enough knowledge? Do you need some advice? Nobody wants to be lied to. Honesty works well.
“English girls’ schools are still popular, everyone wants to go to them”
KYKY: As far as I know, when you opened up, you were faced with misunderstanding, both from representatives of the IT sector and feminists. This is true?
V.Ch.: The idea of separate education is always very difficult to understand. You always want to look for behind-the-scenes reasons: what really stands behind this or that idea. We are accustomed to standards - no one is surprised by the Suvorov School. No one is surprised that this is separate training. Nobody asks: “Why don’t you take girls?” They don’t take it, and God be with them.
About this theme: The cancellation of exams in gymnasiums scares you not because of a decrease in the quality of education, but because “rednecks” will come to schools But when we opened, we had to answer a lot of all sorts of questions. “Why only girls?” – they still ask me. “Why do you think they should be taught separately? Do you really think that just because you collected them separately, they will be successful in the IT field? Doesn’t this offend girls?” By and large, it's all trash. These are attempts to attribute something that is not in the program. There are studies: separate training leads to better results. In a homogeneous environment, we build the learning process for a specific target audience. Does this work in marketing, for example? It's exactly the same here. Teenage girls learn faster and better. When a guy understands the case, he still has 48 hormonal tasks of his own - and by the time he understands the process, she has already done everything, and she is bored. And competition - teenagers already doubt themselves and the world, so forcing them to compete with each other or for someone means breeding insecurity, external and internal aggression towards each other. As soon as there is no one to compete for, it is a wonderful environment, there is nothing to divide. By collecting only girls, we understand that we can rely on their creative component. On the other hand, girls traditionally fall behind in technology. Therefore, when we can assemble them all from scratch, no one has a complex. Traditionally, by the age of 11, boys have already played online games, have some kind of community, terminology, they have already assembled and disassembled the system unit. It's a bad story when both sit together. Some are afraid to ask, others feel too confident. They will still have the opportunity to communicate, and we are talking about education, creativity, entering the profession. There is no other background or ideology here.
KYKY: Will it be better if we apply separate education within school education?
About this theme: Kari says the hall is going wild. The main thing from the speech of a top Finnish teacher in Minsk V.Ch.: We have one school in the Leninsky district where separate education has been introduced - a separate class for boys and girls. There is a gymnasium in Zhodino where there are only girls. I once met with representatives of the Zhodino gymnasium. They say: “Everything is great with us. And in terms of results and everything.”
My dad studied at the men's gymnasium here in Romanovskaya Sloboda. Immediately after the war. My father once said that when girls came to their concerts, these post-war shaven-headed boys themselves cleaned the school - they had so many special expectations.
I don't have an answer for what would be better in male education. English girls' schools are still popular, everyone wants to go to them. If we take foreign research, we will see that a sociological study by the London Institute of Education showed that graduates of girls' schools have a much greater chance of succeeding in life. Scientists interviewed 13 thousand people whose school years occurred in the 1970s, when the idea of separate education was especially popular in Great Britain. This system was then practiced in a quarter of all secondary schools in the country (versus one eighth today). After analyzing respondents' answers about how their lives turned out, sociologists found that graduates of girls' schools on average earn 10% more than other peers - most likely because, in the absence of the "strong" half in the class, girls are more actively studying traditionally male disciplines : physics, mathematics and so on. But I think it's a question of self-esteem: what can I claim? It seems to me that indirectly this even greatly affects family life. But these are just my assumptions. In any case, I believe that there should be a choice.
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“Mom, you’re bad” - 5 ways to react
Mothers, having heard such statements, most often get very scared and begin to swear. Some even punish the child for such words by putting him in a corner or depriving him of sweets and TV. This is a disaster for mom. In their opinion, the child has now done almost the worst thing in his life - he insulted his own mother!
But such statements from the lips of a teenager and a preschool child are filled with completely different content. And it’s unlikely that the baby puts into these words the very meaning that, according to his mother, is contained in them. But let’s leave adolescence to school psychologists, and we ourselves will pay attention to our preschooler.
In fact, there may be a dozen reasons that prompted the child to say this.
Perhaps now he is trying to tell you something very important, but he does not know or does not know how to do it. The only words he found to express his feelings were “Mom, you’re bad!” Maybe he is asking for help or is in pain; he has another stage in development or a crisis of three, seven and beyond; he was ready to spend the evening with his dad, and then you came home from work early; just wondering how you would react to something like this; The child might have heard such a statement on the street or in kindergarten, or he wanted to do something important, and you interfered?
Remember one thing - such statements do not mean at all that the child does not love you and no longer needs you. He just said something the best he could, or repeated what he heard somewhere. In the first case, you need to understand his message, and in the second, you need to change yourself or smooth out the street consequences. Therefore, there are only two options on how not to react to such words - do not scold and do not punish.
Here are the ways how to react correctly maybe several. First, breathe out and, if you are hearing this for the first time, congratulate yourself on the fact that there is a new round of development in your relationship. If this is not the first time this happens, then think about why and why the child is saying this.
In both cases, try the following:
1. First, you can simply say - “okay, clear, I understand”, “okay, so be it” and keep doing your thing. If your child was testing your strength, trying a new word, or expecting some kind of violent reaction, he will be disappointed and, most likely, will not want to talk like that again. In general, calmness is one of the most correct options for responding not only to such, but also to other “unusual” statements.
2. Calmly ask in an interested (!) voice that does not break into hysterics: “Why am I bad?”, “Why do you think so?” It is very likely that the baby will answer your question himself, explaining the reason for his anger - I want candy, I want to play and I don’t want to sleep!
3. Help him understand himself: “Are you offended? Angry? You wanted to, but I made you put away the toys?”, “Did you want to be with dad?” In this case, try to explain to the child why he cannot continue to do something pleasant for him, but be sure to tell him when he can return to it or offer an alternative. For example: “We need to go to the store, otherwise we will all remain hungry, let me read to you or will you watch another cartoon in the evening when we get back?” “Daddy has to go on business, but when he gets back, he’ll play with you again.” Need I add that you should keep your promise?
4. Show empathy: "Yes, I know what you mean! I also told my mother that when I was a child,” “And I would be upset if they called me home from the street so early,” “I can imagine how angry you were.” It might seem like a small thing, but children also need sympathy and understanding.
5. Talk about love. It often helps if at the end of your statement you add, “I still love you.” Or say this instead of all of the above. Sometimes it works flawlessly.
Don't be alarmed by statements like this. Use them as a cue to think about what's going on. Now, while the child is small, it is much easier to build a trusting relationship with him and fix something than to wait until he grows up and the scale of the “catastrophe” grows with him.
“I don’t love you!”, “You are bad!”, “I’ll go live with my grandmother!” - many parents have probably heard these phrases from their children. The heart is filled with resentment: how can this be, we do everything for him, but he says such things! The question arises: why, oh why did he say that? Does he really not love you? Does he really think he's bad? Does he really want to live with his grandmother? This is a test that probably every parent must pass. Someone knows how to build a relationship with a child in such a way that these phrases are very rare, and in some families, unfortunately, they are a common background of communication. In order to properly deal with such unpleasant behavior of a child, you need to understand why he says these phrases? Does he want to achieve something or is he just letting off steam? What are the reasons for this behavior? This behavior most often occurs:
- after the child was not given what he wanted, i.e. did not fulfill his desire;
- after punishment or promise of it;
- as a reaction to truly unfair or cruel treatment of a child (accumulated or one-time);
- as a repetition (perhaps humorously) of those phrases that he heard from adults;
- as habitual behavior towards a certain person, in the event that the child’s closest people are in conflict with him.
Almost all of these reasons (except for “jokes”) may or may not lead to your child saying cruel words to you. “I don’t love you” is just one way to express resentment or rejection of a person, along with other ways (offended silence, crying, throwing toys). But expressing resentment is not the only motive for a child’s uttering cruel words. The child is small, and there is a great temptation to think that when he says cruel phrases, he “does not know what he is doing.” But actually it is not. In the behavior of even children 2–3 years old, the goals they want to achieve are clearly visible. What are the main motives for this behavior and what to do in each case?
When and how
To say “I don’t love you!”, you must, at a minimum, be able to speak, put words into phrases and understand their meaning. Does this mean that such phrases can only be heard from children who have crossed the threshold of 3-4 years? Yes, but it starts even earlier. Up to 2 years There is no verbal manifestation, but there are aggressive actions. While the child can act, but not speak. If at this age you learn to react correctly to actions such as hitting, causing pain, spitting, biting, etc., then the problem of cruel phrases may not arise. In many ways, this behavior is a study of the boundaries of what is permitted and clarification for oneself of how parents react to such provocative actions, as well as a reaction of resentment. 2–3 years . The child learns to speak, quickly accumulates a vocabulary and begins to use it. He generally understands the meaning of phrases. You can already hear short but emotional phrases from him: “You are bad!”, “Mom-byaka!”. At this age, this is a direct emotional reaction to the prohibitions of adults or repetition (“practice” in speech) of phrases that he hears from adults. The child can already join a “support group” and pronounce these phrases in relation to the family member who has a conflict, for example, with his mother. 3.5–5 years . Beginning of manipulative behavior. The child begins to understand that certain actions entail a certain reaction (gain or sanctions). What brings gain is fixed in behavior. This is the age of unconscious manipulation. All other reasons (expression of resentment without the goal of influencing an adult, membership in a “support group”) also remain. 5.5–7 years . The rise of manipulation. The child begins to use manipulation more consciously and less “straightforward.” But not all children of this age manipulate using cruel words. Just like kids, they can use them simply as a reaction to insults. The “support group” motif also remains relevant.
How not to react to a child’s hurtful words
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Story one: “I’m so offended!”
Little Danilka, who recently turned 2 years old, is a very active and inquisitive child. And sometimes his mother Oksana has to limit this activity, not allowing him near anything dangerous and not giving him certain objects. Danilka reacts to this very violently: she begins to cry, stomp her feet and shout to her mother: “Bad!” Oksana’s heart aches because she loves her son so much. So why is he so unfair to her and doesn’t understand that this is for his own safety? The first and earliest manifestation of the motive for cruel words addressed to parents is immediate emotional reaction, expression of resentment. In this way, even the smallest children can express resentment, 1.5–2 years . When a child is not given what he currently wants, he protests. Children, especially under 3 years old, have difficulty controlling their emotions, and some interesting object can completely captivate them, and the desire to play with it is almost irresistible. This is why children react so violently if they are not given something or if something “forbidden” that they got themselves is taken away. They also react if an adult decides to punish them. Resentment and protest are very strong feelings, and it is difficult for a child to express them correctly (not every adult knows how to cope with them). Without thinking at all, the baby says what he feels: “You are bad!” He's really angry with you at the moment. And words are way to express grievances. We adults learn to “mask” feelings and “swallow” grievances. The child does not yet have developed social skills, so he says what he thinks. A similar, but slightly different motive is the desire to convey to parents that they are wrong, a demonstration of resentment. It may seem that this point is similar to the previous one. But in fact, expressing resentment and demonstrating resentment are two different things. “To be” or “to appear” – that is the question! If a child expresses resentment, he does so honestly, with an open heart, even if his words hurt you. But demonstrating resentment, he is already acting, overacting, exaggerating his feelings, wanting to prove to his parents that they are wrong for doing this to him. If in the first case the child wants to throw out the feeling, it is impossible for him to keep the resentment inside, then in the case of demonstrating resentment, the goal is to influence the parents. Some children will express their resentment through “pouting” silence or crying, and from some you will hear those very cruel words. Children begin to show resentment as they age about 3.5 years , further improving in this “art”.
What to do? Do not be offended and remain calm, after a while the child will calm down and your mutual love will return. How quickly this happens depends on the child’s temperament, as well as many factors: fatigue, physical well-being, and also your own mood. Some may cry and “sulk” for 10 minutes, while others may need half an hour for the intensity of emotions to begin to subside. Your task is to help the baby calm down. To do this, you can hug the child if he allows it. If he breaks out, don’t insist. Just sit down next to him so that you are level with his face. Next, express his feelings, for example: “I know that you are very upset that I took the iron from you.” Expressing feelings is especially important in the case of demonstrating resentment, because the purpose of such behavior is precisely to convey one’s feelings to parents. Talk through your child's feelings several times. It is important that his “I don’t love you” turn into “I’m upset.” Then continue: “I cannot allow playing with the iron because it is dangerous. I love you and want you to be healthy." Repeat several times. Try to distract your baby, for example, by massaging his fingers. If you yourself remain calm, then after some time, not too long, you will understand that the baby is calming down. Let him calm down until the end, and then tell him again that you love him very much and are trying to protect him from danger. He will smile at you, and this will mean that the conflict is over.
Story two: “Hidden manipulation”
Larisa, mother of 5-year-old Ksyusha, says: “My daughter has been frustrating me lately. Like any child, she is mischievous, and sometimes you have to punish her. Usually the punishment is that I don't let her watch cartoons. At first she cried, and recently, just a little, she began to say: “You are bad, it would be better if I lived with dad!” My husband and I have been divorced for two years, but he communicates with his daughter on Sundays. When I heard this for the first time, I was taken aback and, out of surprise, even canceled the punishment, just so that she could be convinced that her words were wrong. But now, it seems to me, she is using this to influence me.” In this case, uttering cruel words, the child can achieve his own goals. Very often, children use such phrases to manipulate their parents so that they allow something that was previously prohibited, or to cancel punishment. Manipulation must be distinguished from the expression and demonstration of resentment, because in this case, the child skillfully uses phrases that can change your “no” to “yes.” Manipulations do not appear “out of nowhere”; more often than not, they are a well-established stereotype of behavior. When parents first hear from a child, for example, the phrase “You don’t love me!”, they are afraid that the relationship with the child may be destroyed, and... they allow what they have forbidden. A child who did not initially pursue this goal, but simply expressed feelings, suddenly understands that “no” can change to “yes” if “magic words” are said. But not “thank you,” but “you’re bad!” Several times he checks whether this is really so, and then it becomes a “button” that he habitually presses to control his parents.
What to do? Most likely, at this stage you hear similar phrases from your child with unpleasant regularity. But if this is so, then the “button” works. And your goal is to make it stop working. To do this you need to break the stereotype. Previously, for example, when you heard “I don’t love you” from a child, you got angry, but fulfilled his whim, even though you were sure that you shouldn’t do this. Now you will need to be firm and stand your ground to the end. You can’t have candy now, which means you can’t. You can't take your cosmetics, so you can't. You will be able to watch the aggression become stronger. The child will use all the “tools” from his proven arsenal to insist on his own. It’s similar to how we, adults, when we can’t turn on a broken device, press the button to turn it on with increasing irritation. It will take some time and several such “sieges” for the child to become convinced that the past behavior has stopped working. And now your goal is for a new stereotype to form in the old place. You can show your child (for example, in a game) that some requests can be fulfilled immediately, but you just need to ask well; Some need to wait to be fulfilled, but some will not be fulfilled, especially if they are related to security. Be consistent in your behavior: weigh everything well before prohibiting or allowing something, so that there is no temptation to change your decision.
Story three: “Support Group”
Irochka is only 3 years old. Her mother Lyuda loves her daughter very much. But Lyuda does not have a good relationship with her mother-in-law. This relationship cracked a long time ago, even before Irochka was born, and there is a lot of mutual misunderstanding and reproaches. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law live separately, and Marina Leonidovna rarely comes to visit. Lyuda often discusses her relationship with her mother-in-law with her friends at the playground, and Irochka really likes to listen to adult conversations. Her mother does not hesitate to speak in front of her, thinking that she “doesn’t understand much.” But recently an incident occurred that proved the opposite. Marina Leonidovna came to visit to congratulate Irochka on her birthday, but the girl sat in her mother’s arms the whole time, not even wanting to approach her grandmother. And when she asked why she didn’t want to approach her, the girl frowned and said: “Because you are evil!” I must admit that at that moment Luda experienced inner gloating: now, even a child understands who is right and who is wrong, she was able to take revenge on her grandmother for offending her mother! And Marina Leonidovna, after sitting for another 10 minutes, left. This event aggravated the problems in the relationship; Lyuda’s mother-in-law decided that she was deliberately turning the child against her... So, another reason why children say cruel words is shared aggression, being in a “support group”. If there is a conflict in the family (between spouses, between representatives of different generations), then the child may say cruel words to those who are on the “opposite” side. For example, a child can tell his grandmother: “Get out of here, we don’t need you,” if he is on the side of his mother, who is at enmity with her mother-in-law. In this case, the child does not express his own feelings, he simply joins the one who is closer to him. The baby is still too small to correctly assess the situation and maintain neutrality; he needs to be with someone. And if this someone is fighting, then the child will be drawn into this fight. Children are more outspoken creatures, and it is from their lips that you can hear those cruel words that adults would like to say to each other, but cannot.
What to do? It is useless to scold a child for this, although this is exactly what parents want to do. If you “conspicuously” scold a child, feeling inside satisfaction that he is on your side, then such “educational” measures will not only not lead to the disappearance of the behavior, but will also reinforce it. There is only one way out - you need to deal with your adult problems. As soon as the tension goes away, the baby will no longer offend his loved one. But it is impossible to quickly solve problems that have been accumulating for a long time. Therefore, for now, you need to separate the child from these problems, stop making him an “accomplice.” Don’t think that the child is too young and doesn’t understand anything. Do not talk in front of him about the conflict with one of your relatives. Try to show more respect when telling your child about the person with whom you have a conflict.
Story four: “Cruel mother”
Every day the same thing happens on one of the sites. When 4-year-old Vlada and her mother Lena go for a walk, the calm ends. Whatever Vlada does (whether she runs, decides to jump off a log, or takes someone else’s toy to look at), everything is accompanied by her mother’s screams. What kind of epithets does a “loving” mother not reward her daughter with? In addition, Lena spanks the child with all her might. If Vlada falls, she doesn’t even run to her mother, because she won’t feel sorry for her, and the girl doesn’t want to receive a new portion of spankings and screams. Recently, the girl also began to shout at her mother, loudly declaring: “You are bad! Evil! Leave!" And he “gets” for it again and again. So, another internal motive for cruel children’s words is expressing true feelings for a person. Perhaps the most painful motivation for both parties, especially if the adult is aware of it. It is not uncommon for parents to be cruel to their children. Some use inappropriately harsh punishments (often physical or intimidating). Some constantly “communicate” with the child in a raised tone, and in anger destroy toys dear to his heart. If this happens constantly, then the child completely loses trust in the adult and love turns into hatred. And then the phrase “I hate you!” - this is a statement of this sad fact, when the baby does not hope to “get through”, does not manipulate, but expresses the accumulated pain that is in his heart.
What to do? The main difficulty is realizing that the child really means what he says and has a reason for it. Of course, the easiest way is to blame the child, to list all your “achievements” (“I sing to him, feed him, buy him toys, and he says this!”). But first of all, it is important for a child to be loved and to show this love in affectionate touches, words, and looks. He needs his dignity not to be humiliated, especially in front of strangers. Of course, every parent has episodes of fatigue when he may shout at his child or punish not quite fairly. But if this happens infrequently, if later you feel remorse, this is a good sign. But if you are constantly irritated, yell at your child, and do not do things together, then those words that you may hear may be hard-won truth for him. Changing the situation is difficult, but possible. And the biggest work must happen inside the adult. Often this requires the help of a psychologist. So, we looked at the motives behind the behavior of a child who says cruel words and gave recommendations on how to react in each case. The most important thing is to learn to forgive the baby and not accumulate resentment against him. A child’s cruel words are only a consequence of the mistakes that parents make (inattention, rudeness, excessive softness). We wish you to be attentive parents. There is no need to fight the words themselves, you need to look “deeply” at what is hidden behind them. And then you will hear words of love and tenderness from your baby much more often.
Hello.
I'm soon 18. And I have problems with my family.
The problem is that no one cares about me.
I am not the only child in the family, I have an older brother. Even when I was a child, I noticed that no one paid attention to me. I remember when I was 6, I fell on purpose so that my mother would somehow take care of me. Although, you know, it hurts because they care, but they do it as if it is their responsibility, as if someone is forcing them to do it.
I have always been an exemplary girl, I always studied well, behaved correctly, did everything right, always won school competitions, was an excellent student to the end, and now I study for free at a prestigious academy (I entered on my own). It’s already a session and I don’t care anymore, I don’t want to study well anymore, I don’t want to do everything right so as not to disappoint my parents. Tomorrow is a history test, I don’t know anything and I don’t want to know, I don’t want to prepare, I’m tired. My dream is to move to New York and become a vocalist/actress. But as soon as I start talking about my dream, my mother starts screaming, yelling and saying that I dream about the impossible and, in general, I can’t leave, I have to stay, I don’t care about the dream, the main thing is family, but I don’t need to change the world (and I want to change the world , at least a little). My parents say that they will help me leave only when I finish my studies at the academy. But I can’t wait 3 years; I won’t be able to earn that much myself, because in our country you can’t work without a diploma and experience. And our family is rich, our parents do not allow us to work. I live alone, my parents live in another city with my brother, his wife and newborn child. My brother is 23. He is a real bad person. Dad complains about him all the time, but Mom adores him. My brother doesn’t work, he entered college (with the help of his father) and doesn’t study, dad spends money so that the institute gives him grades and at the end they give him a diploma, in general, dad does everything for him, bought him cars (more than one), gave him money for the wedding to take place, constantly buys clothes, food and everything else for him. No, don’t think, I’m not jealous, because my parents also give me money and a lot, but, damn it, why do they only give me money? Where is the love, care, understanding? Where is it all? Why do they call only once a day to find out if she died or killed herself? It happens that they don’t call at all, they don’t remember. I do everything myself all the time. I wouldn't be angry if my parents understood and supported me. Their fake smiles are killing me. First they smile, then they yell or they don’t care about me at all.
I have no friends. I have no one to talk to about my problems, no one supports me.
I don't know how to deal with this problem. Ignore the situation? Become a stone?
Don't know. It's hard to be nobody.
Rate:
Alex, age: 17 / 05/25/2014
Responses:Alex!Who are you studying for? What does it mean not to disappoint them? Will you respect yourself if you slip up? You are a fully grown person, develop yourself, study, since God gave you good abilities. As for New York, if you are lonely in another city, in another country it will be a thousand times worse. As for brother, but you probably don’t want to be like him, you want to be more independent, so you live your own life, make decisions; read the letters here, young people are grieving that there is no freedom, there is dictatorship from their parents, there are no funds. So everything is fine with you. BUT .There is one thing. It is necessary to establish an emotional connection with the family, with each family member. Call yourself, this is not a guy, but your relatives, they can also say that you rarely call. Of course, living in the same house, everything is easier. But apparently, your family is good. Most likely, they don’t even realize that they are doing something wrong. They can rely on you, you are smart, this is often the case with such daughters, since an independent, reasonable person, you can not control, switch to a problem child... Try to build communication in such a way that there would be more warmth, care, interest in them on your part. Ask for advice, open up your needs for support. When you carry and give birth to a child, you will understand that it is very difficult not to love your child and they love you. And there are difficulties with the ability to express love. There are many articles on the site about parents, read. They don’t kick your brother out of the house, they don’t force you to work, they let you finish your studies ?They want him to have an education? But it’s as if he was sick with a fever, and people fussed around him more than around a healthy child. This is no more and no less love. I think they respect you more than him. And he may envy you: the girl is younger, but she has achieved everything herself, lives on her own, studies. And he’s on his parents’ neck, and even with his family, and even at his dad’s expense. He may not be ashamed of this, but objectively, everything is much better with you, just establish an adult connection with your family, it’s time not to look for care, but manifest it.
Natasha, age: 35 / 05/27/2014
Alex, good evening. Good luck at the session - first of all. And secondly, study well for yourself, not for your parents. Although I agree with them that education is necessary in our time. Neither in New York nor in Tokyo is a higher education diploma ignored. Sometimes, of course, people without education, self-taught people become successful, but their number is negligible. So don’t give up studying, especially since you’re so smart and you’re good at studying.
And I would also advise you to work as a volunteer. A variety of people need help and attention. Your efforts in their direction will pay off handsomely for your soul. You can help old people, children in an orphanage.
My friend, a veterinarian, works several hours a day for free in a nursery for homeless animals. I myself, as a translator, help with the translation of documents in one charitable organization, of course, for free. In winter, several of my friends helped prepare lunches and distributed them in the canteen of a special service for homeless people.
The choice is yours, but it seems to me that such an experience will be useful to you.
And don't judge your parents harshly. Do you want to change the world and the people around you? Begin with yourself!
Lyubasha, age: 35 / 05/28/2014
Hello!
If you stand in the shoes of your parents, you will see their problems. That they also have a difficult life, problems at work, problems at home, disagreements in relationships, they probably sometimes quarrel among themselves, probably something is not going well in their relationships with children, maybe they are no longer so young, they get tired a lot, there are also psychological difficulties , just like others. With all these problems, can they always be very sensitive and friendly, attentive to you? Of course, they sincerely treat you well, but there is simply a burden of problems (external and internal) that interferes, so it seems to you that they are smiling at you falsely, but in fact this is impossible, they are your parents and cared a lot about you and continue how much strength they have. If they can tell you anything, how is it possible for them to smile falsely? How might they be trying to benefit themselves from smiling at you?
Forgive me for these words, but you are a big selfish person. Because you think that your parents owe you and owe you, but you don’t owe them anything. You want to leave them for New York (leave them) for their own money. and you perceive their feasible manifestations of kindness incorrectly and completely devalue the good things they do for you.
In fact, it seems to me that this is a very wrong and indifferent attitude towards them on your part in many ways. And in this case, how can they show sincere and full-fledged love in response to this? The fact that they can smile at you in such conditions is already a lot, when the daughter practically does not love or appreciate them, and sees only shortcomings.
Look, of course, I could easily be wrong, but besides you, who else can honestly understand your heart. To be honest, you look at your feelings for your parents. Do you have respect and love for them? Do you value them, do you have enough warmth for them that they can see it? And it could warm them and somehow support them. And how, in this case, can they be so kind and rejoice when they do not see a good attitude on the part of their daughter, but mostly displeasure with them.
But nothing. Of course you have all these feelings, but weak.
It seems to me from your letter that your parents love and care for you, but it seems to me that you do not understand this and deny in many ways. They have given you a lot since childhood, raised you, paid for everything, and you basically have everything you need, at least even in material life - this is also a lot, how they can express their love, this is not just an obligation, they do it voluntarily, No one is forcing them. If they consider it their duty, then it is still their sincere attitude towards you, how can you not sincerely consider something good as your duty? Because you are not a stranger to them, they think so, that’s why they do what they do. Our parents have already given us everything they could, all their basic potential, we also need to give them something in return.
why don't you dream of a good relationship with your family, is this dream worse? After all, in New York you can find happiness, or you can easily not find it (given the very strong Western propaganda against Russia and especially Russians, there may be many obstacles there because of this. I read and think about this a lot, and although this is not the case the same thing as going and seeing, but it allows us to draw a certain conclusion that it is not easy for Russians to succeed there, and there is a lot of evidence about this). But even if you can become a successful actress, you will not be able to feel good and happy while there is a conflict with the people closest to you. Many successful actresses and models use drugs, this is actually the finish line of their lives, they use because they have success, which makes them dizzy, but there is no real peace, joy, stability, because there is no basis - good qualities and relationships with others , to other people, so there is a lot of excitement but there seems to be no happiness. And all these emotions and experiences make it very difficult for them, even though they seem to be popular. They use drugs to relieve tension, and then everything gets worse. To be happy, you just need to become better yourself. To change the world, you also need to become better, and without good relationships with loved ones this will not happen. I also want to change the world. I, too, like you, am an idealist. An idealist needs to be realistic. Dream about good things, about things that are highly significant for others, set high good goals for yourself, but you need to move towards them not through just fantasies and dreams that are not related to their reasons, but through those actions that actually bring you closer. If you become a better and better person, then you will change the world a little, and you will become one more good person. If you don't treat your loved ones well, how can you? And without changing ourselves, we cannot bring anything outside; there will be nothing to give to others. Respect and gratitude to parents are very high ideals, it changes the world in the fact that if you have these qualities, which are truly high and very good, then you can set an example and help others. Globally putting something in the world on its feet is very difficult, almost not a realistic goal at all, but if everyone little by little brings something good into the world, then the world will change. If there are many good people in society in all countries, then inevitably there will be good politicians and all leaders. because they are all, in the end, people from society. If the society is healthy, there are many correct views in it, everything will be fine everywhere. Therefore, everyone needs to start with themselves. This is how the world changes realistically. And as you become better, you will have more and more strength and perhaps later, if you want, you will be able to do something more significant, you will have clear, correct views and motivation and purpose, and you will have strength. Otherwise, this really won’t work.
don’t judge your parents strictly, please understand them, of course, they made and are making mistakes, everyone makes mistakes, but they always tried their best for you - that’s a lot in fact, forgive them and help on your part too, you won’t lose anything , you will acquire many valuable qualities (it’s like real gold), which will later bring a lot of relief to you and will benefit others. external gold - because of it there are conflicts and wars. Internal gold never provokes conflicts and wars; on the contrary, the more of it, the fewer problems there are everywhere.
All the best to you! Excuse me for criticizing you here, but I would just like this to help you better understand yourself and your life and not make big mistakes, find more correct decisions that are good for yourself and useful to others, which you won’t need to make later regret. In fact, I respect you very much. And your dream of changing the world is a good dream, just please be realistic. And be a good person. And a good daughter - this is very important. Not so as not to disappoint your parents (it’s more of a fear), out of love for your parents, out of a good attitude towards them. It’s just that your life is worth a lot and there’s a lot of meaning in it, it’s useful.
All the best!
Sergey, age: 34 / 05/30/2014
Who are you living for? If your parents don't support you, you can do it yourself. You can get money without even going to work. There are many ways. For example
create your own blog on YouTube. This will help you with both money and talent. And if you don’t want to do that, if you want to go to work and earn money there
then learn patience. Those who wait achieve a lot. I myself am only 13 years old. And I live in a small village. My dream is to become a famous actress. I have
I have relatives in Moscow and I’m going there this year. I earned my own ticket and so on. I really want to change this world for the better. Well, I'm done.
Stranger, age: 13/05/29/2016
In my opinion, people can do anything, but you are just talking nonsense. How many people have not become great because of these (impossible, etc.), how many talents have we lost?! She is looking for support, not lessons and teachings
which her parents give her.