Our eyes usually follow our thoughts, and sometimes, just by looking into our eyes, other people can understand what we are thinking about. Would you agree that reading another person's thoughts through their eyes is a very useful skill? Thanks to this, everyone will be able to understand whether they are being deceived or determine whether your interlocutor is interested in what you are telling him about. Poker players master this useful skill perfectly.
Eyes to eyes
Such contact with the interlocutor indicates that he is very interested in talking with you. Prolonged eye contact may indicate that the person is scared and/or doesn't trust you. Brief eye contact means the person is anxious and/or uninterested in talking to you. And the complete lack of eye contact indicates the complete indifference of your interlocutor to your conversation.
Man looking up
Eyes raised upward are a sign of contempt, sarcasm, or irritation directed at you. In most cases, such a “gesture” means a manifestation of condescension.
If a person looks at the upper right corner
He visually imagines the picture stored in memory. Ask someone to describe the appearance of a person, and your interlocutor will certainly raise his eyes up and look to the right.
If a person averts his eyes to the upper left corner
This indicates that he is clearly trying to imagine something. When we try to use our imagination to visually “draw” some picture, we raise our eyes up and look to the left.
If your interlocutor is looking to the right
This means that he is trying to remember something. Try asking someone to remember the melody of a song, and the person will definitely glance to the right.
Looking to the left, people make up sounds
When a person imagines a sound or composes a new melody, he looks to the left. Ask someone to imagine the sound of a car horn underwater, and they will certainly look to the left.
If your interlocutor lowers his eyes and looks to the right
This person conducts a so-called “internal” dialogue with himself. The person you're talking to may be thinking about something you said, or they may be thinking about what to tell you next.
If a person lowers his eyes down and looks to the left
He thinks about his impression of something. Ask your interlocutor how he feels on his birthday, and before answering you, the person will lower his eyes and look to the left.
Downcast eyes
We show that we do not feel very comfortable or even embarrassed. Often, if a person is shy or does not want to talk, he lowers his eyes. In Asian culture, not looking a person in the eye and looking down when talking is the norm.
These “rules” are generally followed by all of us. But left-handed people do the opposite: right-handed people look to the right, left-handed people look to the left, and vice versa.
How can you tell if someone is lying to you?
There is no absolutely correct algorithm by which you can determine whether your interlocutor is lying or not. The best option is to ask a basic question, such as “what color is your car?” If a person raises his eyes and looks to the right (or left, if he is left-handed), then he can be trusted. Thus, in the future you can understand whether you are being deceived or not.
For example, while telling you about something that happened in class, your friend looks to the right; When talking about his holidays, he constantly looks up and glances to the right. Most likely, everything he said is true. But when he tells you about the beautiful girl he met the other day, and his eyes are directed to the upper left corner, you can conclude that he is clearly “embellishing.”
Psychologist's answer:
Hello, Daria!
Thank you for your trust and courage. I see that your problem is causing you great distress.
I'll start from the end of your letter. The psychologist does not make diagnoses or prescribe medication. This is done by a psychiatrist or doctor. I do not recommend that you use sedatives without consulting a specialist.
Now let's try to understand your question from a psychological point of view.
I saw 2 problems in your letter:
1. I can’t look people in the eyes
2. looking at private parts
Let's start in order.
1. I would like to clarify with you - are you generally unable to make eye contact or unable to maintain long-term contact? If the latter, then this is quite normal. A long, intense gaze into the eyes is often regarded as hostile and causes people to feel embarrassed and want to quickly look away. A short glance and a slight smile are enough to establish contact. If you, for example, act as a speaker, then it is permissible to periodically look away while thinking about a thought. Otherwise, the narrator begins to get lost.
If, in principle, you cannot look people in the eyes, then let’s try to figure out what the reason is. Have you noticed that little children always look straight into the eyes, smile openly and behave very naturally? They have nothing to hide, they still do not know how to deceive. Having matured and learned to hide something for selfish reasons, it becomes difficult for them to withstand direct gaze. Because it implies honesty and openness. This is how we understand that the child is lying. Think about when you started hiding your eyes? What happened before this?
There is another possible reason. Often, a person cannot look into the eyes of someone who evokes strong emotions in him. These can be emotions of fear or love. The fact is that in terms of emotional coloring, meeting with eyes is stronger than contact with bodies. Sometimes it's easier to shake hands than to look them in the eyes.
Try practicing your unfocused gaze. Place in front of you (at a distance of 50 cm), a book or any other object. And then try to look as if through it. This trick allows you to still look into a person’s face, but at the same time avoid difficult eye-to-eye contact. This may help at the first stage.
2. Now let's try to figure out the second part of your question. You wrote more about it, which means it is more significant for you.
I understand your experience. This makes it difficult for you to communicate with people.
You wrote about concern. What do you mean by this concept?
Unfortunately, you didn’t write about how long ago you noticed this behavior feature? At what age? What event in your life led you to this?
What do you think about when you look not into the eyes, but “there”? Does this only happen to men or to women too?
What's going on in your personal life? Are you in Love?
I wrote a lot of questions because it is difficult to draw any conclusions due to incomplete information.
One of the possible reasons is holding back your emotions and thoughts on the topic of sex. If you severely limit yourself in this matter, your body may react this way. You are 21 years old and this age implies puberty and sexual maturity.
By answering these questions, you can clarify the key points for yourself. Among them, it may be possible to find the reason for this behavior.
If you have any difficulties, I am always ready to support you.
Why doesn't a person make eye contact? There is a widespread belief that he is telling lies and deliberately hiding his gaze so as not to reveal his real intentions. This may well be true, but there are a number of other reasons why the interlocutor specifically avoids eye contact. A person may not make eye contact because of his character, temperament, lack of courage, or lack of self-confidence. The qualities that form the personality in each of us are expressed differently, and this affects how sociable a person is and how he behaves during a conversation.
A person does not make eye contact when talking - the main reasons
Banal shyness
This fact has been confirmed by scientific research. A person knows that a glance can give away feelings, so he deliberately averts it. Many lovers try to hide their increased interest because they are afraid to openly express their feelings or are waiting for the right moment. If at the same time your interlocutor blushes and begins to say some nonsense, then love is obvious here!
Diffidence
These people find it difficult to communicate with others because they constantly worry about what people will think of them. An insecure person rarely makes eye contact, and often does so furtively, because he is very worried about his emotional experiences and thinks about how best to behave during a conversation.
Heavy unpleasant look from the interlocutor
Such people are often called energy vampires, who seem to deliberately “drill” with their gaze, wanting to suppress and show their superiority. The heavy, gaze of the opponent seems to penetrate the interlocutor, causing discomfort and causing unpleasant emotions. In these cases, eye contact is very difficult, so many try to avoid it, for example, by lowering their eyes to the floor.
Irritation
Some people may be tired of attempts at close eye contact on the part of their interlocutors; they think that they are trying to catch them in something bad and experience unpleasant emotions and irritation about this.
What the interlocutor says is absolutely not interesting
If an averted indifferent glance is combined with a yawn, and the person you are talking to often looks at his watch, then you should quickly stop this dialogue, since it is ineffective. In this case, there is no sense of verbal and non-verbal exchange of information.
Intense information flow
In a few seconds of close visual contact, you can get a very large amount of information, which is equivalent to many hours of frank communication. Therefore, even during a confidential conversation, friends sometimes look away in order to distract themselves and digest the information received.
Why does a person close his eyes when talking?
A squinted gaze means precise concentration of attention on a specific object. A narrowed, intense gaze can indicate an increased tendency to criticism and hostility, and also reveal the callousness of the person. Half-closed eyelids of the interlocutor during a conversation indicate his high self-esteem, arrogance, swagger, and complete inertia to current events.
If the interlocutor closes his eyes without much effort, without squinting them, it means that he is trying to abstract himself from external events. Such self-isolation helps to concentrate well on thinking about some task, reflect on upcoming events and enjoy sensual visual images.
Considering the situation as a whole, it is quite possible to understand why a person hides his eyes when talking.
Not long ago, through a series of experiments, British scientists found that in just one second, when people meet their eyes, they exchange a volume of information comparable to what is obtained in three hours of live communication. Psychology says that because of this, some people find it difficult to look into the eyes of their interlocutor for a long time.
Practice not looking away when speaking. This will help you make new friends faster and also build favorable business relationships
Another reason lies in the person whose eyes they look into. This can be very annoying, irritating, and make you nervous. It seems that the interlocutor is trying to “read” you, listening to every word and creating his own personal opinion. Such moments hardly evoke positive emotions, and a person tends to quickly look away.
It is very difficult for men or women who seem to deliberately glare with their heavy gaze in order to show, for example, their superiority over their interlocutor. From the very first seconds of such communication it becomes uncomfortable, there is a strong desire to lower your eyes to the floor.
Uncertainty and boredom
Very often, looking away when speaking can be a sign of shyness. With the help of a glance, you can express your attitude towards an object, show interest, and demonstrate a feeling of falling in love. Also, one can read in the gaze that it is difficult for a person to find words to talk, his nervousness, etc. Therefore, they avert their eyes to the side so as not to tell too much about themselves ahead of time and show themselves not at their best.
Uncertainty and lack of composure also often cause people not to look their interlocutor in the eyes. Sometimes it can be difficult to find a common language with this or that person, which is why the interlocutor lowers his eyes, begins to nervously finger something in his hands, tug at his ears or hair, thereby betraying his excitement. Such people are simply not sure that they behave and speak correctly.
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I hear this question at every training I do. Everyone knows that eye contact is important when speaking. But when I ask myself, where should I look, there is silence.
Let's figure it out.
In most cultures, eyes should not be hidden when speaking. If a person does not take off his sunglasses or hides his face, he is clearly hiding something. But the main thing is that eye contact is important for the best. The people you look at immediately feel your personal attitude. You are talking to them. This means that when speaking in front of a small or medium audience, look at each of your interlocutors. You talk to everyone. And we must convey our thoughts to everyone.
Therefore, no “theatrical advice” like “looking over your heads.” Moreover, discard stupid advice like “you need to choose one person in the room and tell him everything.” Don't just need one, tell everyone. Otherwise, they will feel abandoned and will quickly find something to do while you talk.
Technique:
Your speech consists of a kind of “modules” - semantic units: words, phrases, sentences. Say one module - look at someone present. We moved on to the next module and looked at another person. So, in one sentence you can reach a sufficient number of people with your gaze. And these people will be firmly included in your dialogue.
Question from the audience:“And if you had to speak in front of a large audience, how should you watch it?”
Answer: Similar. Moreover, a large audience is easier to reach due to the distance between the speaker and the viewer. You look at several people at once, that's all. Of course, the intellectual sensitivity of a large audience is weak, but that’s another story.
Question from the audience:“And if we have a one-on-one dialogue, where should we look? They say there is some kind of “third eye,” right?”
Answer: There is a nuance here. Looking below eye level (for example, at the lips) is perceived by a person as intimate if the interlocutor is of the opposite sex. If one - as an attempt to “hide his gaze” (see above). Therefore, you need to look into the eyes. But it happens that you or someone you communicate with has a heavy look. Then we look at the picture for the post and mentally draw an equilateral triangle. Two points at the level of the eyebrows, one - yes, let's call it the “third eye”, if you really want to. Sliding along the sides of this triangle, you simultaneously look into the eyes of your interlocutor (this is how he feels) and do not strain him with your piercing gaze.
This trick is actively used by photographers. Remember when they told you: “Look not at the lens, but at the camera nameplate”? Or in a photo studio were you asked to look somewhere in the ear of a photographer standing behind a box-shaped camera? And the point is precisely that the output is a look, as it were, into the camera, but a little clearer and cleaner, because the eyes are more open. The same goes for dialogue. Use the triangle and remain a pleasant conversationalist.
Dark side of the force:
They say there was one legendary policeman who knew how to masterfully “stab” suspects. Standing and interrogating, he looked at the crown area. The look seemed to pierce through and through. So be careful with your gaze: it is a powerful tool of influence.