and spoils for them. If you are too trusting, kind to others, if you fulfill all the whims of “good people”, then you are most likely prey. Being a victim for a man is suicide. All your actions will come down to the fact that you will work for others, and not for yourself, and in return they won’t even say “thank you” to you. And if they do say it, it will be such a false “thank you” that it would be better not to hear it at all. But today we will not complain, we will explain to you how you can identify manipulators, of which there are many.
Beat the dog with a stick, starve it, then pet it, feed it, hit it again and tame it again with handouts, and eventually it will start doing any tricks.
— Theodore Dreiser, Titan —
You are reminded of past mistakes
Manipulation is not a subtle art, but it hits such sore spots that sometimes it seems to you that the person is speaking sincerely. One of the most painful substances in your life is the past. Mistakes for which you are very, very ashamed. Perhaps you once behaved like a pig, or acted dishonestly, or ruined your business for the most stupid reasons. We are sure that you have such memories in your life. So, if in a conversation another person remembers your past in a negative (and sometimes positive) connotation, then he is probably manipulating you.
Pressure on your emotions
It's even worse when your emotions are knocked out of you. It doesn’t matter what: anger, compassion, panic, sadness. When a normal conversation makes you feel such emotions, it means that either you are treating the problem incorrectly (why are these worries?), or someone has provoked you, and provoked you on purpose. If this happens often, then you need to learn to control your emotions. For this .
Call for “the right choice”
This is one of the most disgusting methods of manipulating your consciousness. Why? Because the person who calls for the “right choice” switches the places of truth and lies only so that you lean in his direction. It doesn't provide food for thought - instead it offers a ready-made answer. He says: “This is the right thing to do, but this is not the right thing to do, so do the right thing.”
But what the hell? Why do they decide for you what is right and what is wrong? Just think about it and stop being led - you are not a dog.
They say that “it will be better for everyone”
It's a tempting reason to get involved in something that won't do you any good, but be careful. Good intentions, as well as “world peace” or “for all that is good and against all that is bad,” are lousy constructs to use in your own life. We are glad that you are such a kind person, but all this “goodness” may just be an illusion. To realize this, you must step away from the problem three steps to the side and look at it through the eyes of an observer. Ask yourself: “Why should I do this?” or “What will this bring me?” If there is no adequate answer, then don’t do it, and label the person who poured useless thoughts into your ears as a manipulator.
Your interests are not considered
Finally, the surest way to understand that you are being used as a bitch is that your interests are not being considered. It's simple, right? And by interests we mean anything. Their role may be your ideas, your reputation, your authority, money. We live in a world of market relations, but people often appear who continue to dictate our living conditions without offering anything in return. You need to keep such people as far away from yourself as possible.
To summarize: if you are required to take action, then you must be offered a payment or service in return. You should feel grateful for being involved in other people's business. You must understand that your time will not be wasted. If this doesn’t happen, if your interests are ignored, then no matter how holy you are, don’t do it. Firstly, you will do something stupid and you will be used again and again. Secondly, you will instill in the manipulator the idea that you can always do this, but this should not be the case.
If we spend a lot of time with a person, wandering around city cafes or chatting on the phone, this does not mean that we have a real friend next to us. Mistakes in fake friends can cost us dearly - from specific evil in our personal lives to the collapse of our careers, and when we come across the falseness of relationships that were considered friendly, we can experience a sea of destructive emotions: from a slight sobering shock to severe life disappointment. How to determine who is in front of you - a friend or an enemy?
And it’s easier to determine than it seems. The main thing is not to deceive yourself and look at the relationship objectively. If a “friend” brings negativity into your life, if you constantly feel “beaten” morally during communication, if you don’t understand why his mood deteriorates in his presence, and with indirect participation troubles and losses occur - you should think carefully about whether you should continue trusting relationship.
What are the signs of a fake friendship?
True attitude shows in the little things. Observe how the person you consider a friend treats you. Does he push you into negative habits, does he quarrel with your loved ones? Has it ever happened that, thanks to meeting him, you got into trouble - you drank too much, deceived a loved one, experienced real damage, moral or material? Does your friend often break promises? Doesn't he only show up when he needs something? Helped you when you had difficulties? Did you support me in joy? Does he often lie to you? Honest answers to such questions will not allow you to stay.
There is no need to see hidden enemies in all people whose communication brings trouble. It is important to understand who is in front of you - a conscious enemy or an unconscious ill-wisher? Conscious enemy secretive, it is precisely this person who is most difficult to bring out into the open. Such a person has been preparing a trap for another for years if he wants to take revenge for something. Sometimes a secret enemy, cleverly pretending to be a friend, gains so much trust that he can then easily destroy your entire life - both personal and social. With those who unconsciously harm you, you will feel awkward, bad luck and chronic fatigue.
Your friend is a loser or a gray person, he doesn’t aspire to anything in life? Such people often have unconscious envy, jealousy, or a desire to lower your “rating” in order to balance out their inferiority complexes. If a friend emphasizes your lack of ambition, know that he will try his best to subtly lower your self-esteem and pull you down. Such friends often contribute to making you the same gray, uninteresting loser; it’s easier for them to communicate with you.
Dangerous quiet envious people. Does your friend keep his eyes on your date or companion? Does he say flattering compliments to your significant other out loud, emphasizing his loyalty during small misunderstandings or temporary discord? Admires the car, the house and at the same time says that he would like the same benefits, but “not with his happiness”? You should be extremely careful in dealing with such people. It is precisely such quiet people who take away girls and boys, “sit on” at work, blurt out the secrets you have entrusted to your ill-wishers, or start gossiping and talking about you behind your back.
A true friend- not necessarily a comfortable person. He may be indignant if he feels inequality in the relationship and will demand help using all your capabilities and connections in order to become equal. He will not discuss his “other half”, comparing him with yours, and will not tear you away from your family and detain you over a glass of beer if you are expected at home. Your success will be perceived with undisguised joy and admiration, despite the humorous caustic remark that you do not deserve such luck. A true friend can cause a scandal for you if he feels inattention and ignorance, and tells you the truth to your face - but he will do it in private, and not in public. Criticizing the fruits of your activities, he will definitely tell you how to improve the situation. He is not sorry for his time if you are in trouble, although outwardly this is sometimes accompanied by grumbling. He may have a bad character! But this person has the main quality: he will never betray you.
At all times there were skilled counterfeiters who tried to counterfeit banknotes. Technologies for making money do not stand still, but scammers do not sleep either. What do you need to know in order to avoid getting into an unpleasant situation and be able to distinguish counterfeit banknotes from genuine ones?
You will need
- - glasses or magnifying glass;
- - banknotes of different denominations.
Instructions
There are several degrees of protection for banknotes. It is enough for an ordinary person to know the basics of genuine banknotes from counterfeit ones. The considered signs of the authenticity of banknotes relate to a 1000 ruble banknote. The easiest way is to hold the bill up to light. Watermarks duplicating printed ones must be clearly visible on the paper.
No, not me. One user (whose name, of course, I won’t say) who wrote me this message:
Hello! In general, I have the following question for you (one might say, a cry from the soul). Judge me! It seems to me that my friends are using me for their own purposes. They always ask me for help, almost every one, and sometimes I just withdraw into myself and say that I will no longer provide services to them. But I still continue to do the same thing. WHAT DID THEY DO TO ME? WHY SHOULD I HELP THEM? These are questions from my head. Forgive me for my nonsense, but I have no one to turn to. Bye!
I just recently talked about the free distribution of goods and must make a reservation.
First, doing good should never be a limitation. You cannot force yourself to do good deeds. To my great happiness. If you don't want to help, don't. It’s better to refuse help than to help solely out of the feeling that if you don’t help, you’ll be an asshole. As a rule, such help only leads to harm.
I often help friends (and sometimes strangers or people I barely know), but I never make it a reason to judge those who are not so responsive. Yes, you have to be kind, come to the rescue and blah blah blah, but everyone has freedom of choice. I believe that helping others is good, but for me it is more important to follow my own choices. And it is entirely my business how I make this choice. And it's just wonderful!
Paradoxically, if I didn't have the freedom to send a person and refuse help, I wouldn't help people so often.
Secondly, helping a friend once or twice is OK. But personally, I don’t have friends who need help all the time. I don’t know, maybe I’m subconsciously trying to get away from such people, I didn’t pay attention. Maybe my subconscious is keeping a list of losers? After all, to be fair, a person who needs help for a long time can be called that, right? Or maybe I'm just not interested in communicating with such people. In short, you need to choose your friends more correctly somehow.
This smoothly leads me to the third thought: if you have been called a mare three times, put on a saddle.
I mean, if everyone around you wants to take advantage of you, then you should think about why they are doing this. Perhaps your low self-esteem is, unnoticed by you, looking for a way to assert yourself? Maybe you don’t say it directly, but do your eyes or voice reveal you as a good-natured, trouble-free simpleton who will do whatever you ask?
And, finally, if it’s your destiny to help everyone left and right and you can’t do anything about it, at least don’t lament about it. I would like to believe that no one has ever died from excessive responsiveness.
I really hope that my thoughts on this topic will help the girl who asked me the question. And if dear readers have other advice on the topic, I will be happy to read them.
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“People exist for each other,” said the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius. That is, we all give and receive something from communication and relationships. And that's okay as long as the boundaries remain reasonable. When an unequal exchange occurs, it ultimately drains the one being manipulated.
website I have collected tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of acquaintances who are looking for profit in everything.
1. Get rid of guilt
To achieve their goals, manipulators often pretend to be offended and offended. You feel guilty, believing that you really seriously hurt the person's feelings. As a result, you try to “make amends” for your actions that led to such a reaction, and now you are ready to fulfill all requests, conditions, and sometimes demands, even if they go against your interests.
What to do? If your guilt really exists, analyze its degree: what exactly did your actions lead to? And eliminate only these consequences. For example, you accidentally pushed a colleague, he spilled coffee on the floor. Apologize and call the cleaner. In addition, he asks you to complete a difficult task assigned to him for him? This seems like too much.
2. Don’t be fooled by compliments
At first they tirelessly admire you: “Oh, you are so sociable! You have a wonderful social circle. What a wonderful job you do! You probably make good money. And do you drive a car? It’s good that we live close to each other.” That's it, your “protection threshold” has been lowered. Then follows a list of instructions: introduce him to that “star” over there, lend him so much money and give him a regular ride home.
What to do? To give a compliment or not is a person’s independent decision. You didn’t ask anyone to praise you in every possible way. So don’t rush to agree and make promises that you will later regret. Thank you for the kind words addressed to you. Feel free to reject requests that contradict your principles. If there are ones that you can do under certain conditions, discuss them with a cool head.
3. Don’t be afraid to name the price
If you are a professional in some field (for example, you write excellent texts, or do massage, or translate from Chinese) or you have some interesting hobby (for example, paint pictures, compose music, knit scarves), there will definitely be people who want to get results your labor for nothing. If it is difficult for you to refuse them, you risk becoming a “free” master and spending all your time on “charity” in favor of those who are not in need, but simply arrogant.
What to do? Of course, in response to the statement that this work costs so much, the manipulator will immediately accuse you of commercialism. Parry that any work must be paid, provide justification for the price you named. Does the person continue to insist on his own? As a last resort, ignore and distance yourself so as not to lead the situation to a conflict.
4. Leave if the decision is made
A similar situation occurs in friendships or romantic relationships. A friend/girlfriend or partner ignores you, or even behaves in an inappropriate, offensive way. But as soon as you decide to interrupt such destructive communication, they try to get you back with all their might. Which, naturally, flatters vanity. You feel that you are needed, that you are the master of the situation. And so on in an endless circle of self-deception.
What to do? In fact, you are not the master of the situation. Most likely, you are trapped by a manipulator. Sit down at the table, write down the pros and cons of this relationship. Are there more moments that dissatisfy you? Then finally bring to its logical conclusion what you started. Explain your position clearly and calmly and do not return to this conversation or to this person.
5. Balance the volume of requests
You are approached with a quid pro quo deal. You, considering the personality very useful for you, agree. They really help you - in something minor. But in exchange for this they want much more. For example, an event manager gets an inexpensive and quite affordable concert ticket for an economist. From an economist - a new business plan for an event management company. Is the exchange equal?
What to do? Before you exclaim “Yes!” in admiration, find out exactly what services you will need to exchange and compare their sizes. If necessary, take a break and find out everything about the offer that the manipulator is trying to “promote” to you. Bonus: universal advice
If you are constantly being used, in global terms it is a consequence of low self-esteem. As soon as self-confidence increases, those who want to profit from your resources will disappear on their own. Understand your strengths, remember your merits, decide on your dreams, desires, and goals.
Inability or fear to say “no”- one of the forms in which problems with self-esteem manifest themselves. Try to overcome yourself several times, relying on facts, not emotions. In the end, you can’t live all the time with someone else’s tasks, and therefore with someone else’s life.
Every day we interact with different people. Some of them become true friends and can be relied upon, while others try to benefit from their friendship with us. How can we understand that a friend is using us?
A “friend” only contacts you when he needs something
This is the main sign of a fake friendship: a person who is only interested in the benefits that he can get from you appears in your life only when he needs something. It could be something as simple as borrowing a book or giving you a ride. Or maybe something much more significant, for example, borrowing money.
Of course, helping friends is a sign of caring and love, but if you understand that a person appears in your life only to get something, perhaps such a “friendship” should be stopped.
He meets your friends without you
It's completely normal to want your friends to get to know each other and become friends too. But if a new person in your circle starts meeting your friends without inviting you and actually avoiding you, this could be a bad sign.
In such a situation, it is very important to be objective. Try to analyze the situation as carefully as possible before moving away from such a person.
A friend is using your personal information for their own benefit
Some fake friends build trust only to get some information about you and then use it for their own benefit.
This can manifest itself in different ways, so it is very important to be. Perhaps this person is trying to get your contacts in order to get a job or otherwise use them on your behalf. This could put you in an awkward situation. , without having the slightest idea of what happened.
He refuses to help you
True friendship is sincere and selfless. But sometimes we need the help of our friends. Sometimes you need someone to listen to you, help you, or give you practical advice. But if in such cases your friend constantly refuses to help, the friendship is probably not that sincere.
This has a lot in common with the first sign: often fake friends ask you for help, but disappear on their own when you need help.
Of course, not all people you encounter in life want to use you or harm you. But it is very important to be vigilant in order to avoid trouble with those who try to do this.
Illustrations: wrangler