Question for a psychologist:
I met a young man at work. We started dating. Later I found out that he was married, that his wife was expecting a child. I broke up with him, but he didn’t leave me behind, saying that he loved me at first sight and that he didn’t need anyone else in this life. He claimed that the marriage was a mistake and that he didn’t love her. He said he would get a divorce. He filed for divorce. (This is his second marriage) We don’t live together, we never have. - due to the fact that his mother now lives with him, she is sick. As soon as they were divorced, he said that we would immediately go to apply to the registry office, and my mother would go to live in her hometown. This all really stresses me out, I very often worry that he will leave me later too. But I try to believe in the best and brightest. We have been together for almost two years... his tyranny continues for more than a year - He torments me. I can’t go out with my friends, he keeps an eye on me, and at work he doesn’t allow me to communicate with the opposite sex. Jealous of everything. Even if I’m communicating with someone on WhatsApp, he always asks who I’m chatting with. Yesterday I came home after work, tired, and wrote at 23:00 that I was going to bed, he said that he didn’t believe that I was going to bed. Today he asked if I was really at home? You woke up at 12 noon, as if you were walking somewhere. Don't wear this, wear that. Don't stand here, don't stand here. You can't drink. You can't communicate. You can only stay at home. He accuses me of being too positive, that he does everything for me, and I’m ungrateful. She tried to break up - she said that she would do something with herself. I believe that he has no trust in me, that I am like a bird in a cage. He is always at work (he works two jobs) and I spend all my weekends at home, because if I go to a friend’s house, for example, there will be a scandal. It is unbearable. Is it really impossible to reach a person so that he understands me, understands that I love him and am not going to look for someone else? I can’t convey to him that you can’t build a normal relationship this way... I’m very worried that I spent two years of my life in vain... and I wasn’t married, and I don’t have children of my own, but the years go by.
Psychologist Olesya Anatolyevna Bogutskaya answers the question.
Olya, hello!
In fact, there are no secret methods to convey anything to a person. Everything is very simple - if a person wants, he will try to understand and hear you. If he doesn’t want to, nothing and no one can force him to listen. Draw conclusions. NOW. While you have not yet spent several years, and even more so (!), while you have no children from this person. You are trying to convey, he does not hear - it will always be like this. Don't be under the illusion that things will change for the better. The chances are negligible.
Further. Rough manipulation "if you leave me, I will do something to myself." Are you falling for it? For what? You encourage a sick relationship, an unhealthy attitude towards yourself. Manipulation is not good. I mean, that doesn't mean he won't actually do something to himself. Maybe. But if he does, it’s his life, his choice, his problems. Blackmailing anyone with such things is ridiculous. This should not influence your opinion, position, desires in any way. Ideally. But for this, of course, you need a clear internal position, confidence in your rightness, in yourself... And an understanding that it is possible (albeit unlikely) that he can harm himself. And the main thing here is not to place the blame for the action of ANOTHER person on yourself. We OURSELVES are responsible for OUR actions, understand? Nobody else.
Further. You write about “lost years” and then “I love him.” Please decide. So are you building a relationship with him or not?.. I still couldn’t figure it out... If yes, then open your eyes and ears wide, look and draw conclusions. Who is standing in front of you, with whom you will have to live, what kind of life, etc. You're not even married. You don't even live together! And already a full set of sick relationships blooms and smells - inadequate jealousy, restriction of personal, personal, even physical freedom, rudeness, mistrust, blackmail and manipulation. You must clearly understand that over time this will not go away, but will only get worse. Do you like it? You see, you understand, but you still want it? Please.
If you don’t build a relationship with him and want to end it, then it’s even more unclear what you want to convey to him. And most importantly - why? Break off the relationship, change your phone, leave and that's it. Are you afraid of blackmail and consequences? They will continue as long as he feels a weakness in you that he can play on. As soon as you realize within yourself that you don’t need such happiness in life at all, calmly close this page - it will disappear by itself. It will just calm down and disappear somewhere in the distance. Therefore, start with yourself. Ask yourself a question and answer it honestly, clearly and clearly - what do you want? And then act according to your desire/decision.
We have known for a long time that female and male logic are as different as heaven and earth. And sometimes it’s so difficult to convey to a man what we want to express. It seems like we are speaking in ordinary words, logically and understandably, but he doesn’t understand, that’s all. Or he understands, but distorts the meaning completely. How to communicate with a man so that he listens and hears you?
Don't give hints
Coming from afar, using metaphors, hinting - all this is not for men. They understand only the direct meaning, and no figurative. If you want to ask him for something, or you need to speak out, say everything straight to the forehead. For example, if you’ve been asking him to nail a shelf for a month now, but he just can’t, you shouldn’t use Mashka’s husband, who built a house with his own hands, as an example—it won’t help. You just need to ask him, without any equivocations or detours.
Control your emotions
Men are by nature quite stingy in showing emotions; they prefer to keep everything to themselves, putting it on the farthest shelf. And when we women begin to express our feelings too emotionally, men perceive this as pressure. It seems to us that the more emotionally we express ourselves, the better he will understand - in fact, this is not so. Our emotions, on the contrary, seem to put a protective screen on a man’s perception. Remember for yourself - the more angry we get during a quarrel, the more he remains silent and closes himself off from us.
Don't add too much
If you are discussing one topic, then discuss only it, without jumping from story to story. The male brain is structured differently than ours. We can do several things at the same time, talking with a friend about everything. But for a man, this variety of information simply wedges, and the brain blocks its further receipt. Therefore, do not drag in unnecessary things, but speak strictly to the point.
Repeat several times
Alas, no matter how tired you are of doing this, often in order for a man to hear, you need to repeat everything several times. He does this not because he doesn’t want to and not because he wants to offend you. It’s just that when a man’s brain is busy with some information, he is not able to accept another, so in order to break through the thickness, he will have to repeat it several times.
Give it time to rethink
Men need time to accept and rethink what you want to convey to him. Therefore, in a conversation, do not forget to pause and stop so that he can digest and sort out what he heard. Don't be angry if he doesn't react right away, men are just not as quick and switchable as we are.
Olesya, please tell us how to properly respond to children’s work when the child has done something, and maybe even done it himself, but the quality leaves much to be desired. Those. I know for sure that he can do 3 times better. I know that you can’t criticize, but how can I convey to him that he could have tried harder? (I usually say he could do better)
Answer from theSolution psychologist:
Let's look at the basic principles. These tips will be useful if the child is 5 years old or older. Advice will vary depending on the age, personal maturity and independence of the child.
Does a child need criticism?
The fact is that criticism as such can be both harmful and useful for a child, as well as for an adult. The difference is that an adult person normally relies on himself, his own strengths and judgments, is not as vulnerable to external assessments as a child and adequately perceives the authority of other people.
With a child the situation is different. The child is extremely receptive and vulnerable to the reactions of adults, especially those who play the role of parents and to whom he has an emotional attachment. The assessment of an adult serves as a guarantee of safety and care for him. In other words, a guarantee of life preservation. These mechanisms are inherent in the child by nature. Therefore, he is very adaptive in behavior and is able to adapt to any requirements set by his parents. This adaptability has its results, or consequences.
Hypercriticism leads to the development of a type of neurosis such as social phobia
The child’s personality, his character, is formed under the influence of external factors and thanks to his adaptability. They say about children: “plastic, like plasticine, mold what you want.” This is what happens. The child develops stable habits of behavior, his character, and peculiarities of perception.
Now imagine that a child receives a lot of criticism. What behavioral habits will he form? The habit of not trusting yourself, your assessments, judgments, thoughts and feelings. This is the price of unconditional obedience that children pay. Due to the suppression of assertiveness and demands for absolute obedience, the child develops the habit of. Over time he becomes
The child himself is able to set the criteria for the final result. And your criteria may be very different from his criteria. If you emphasize the incorrectness of his decisions, the child may develop the habit of not making independent decisions. The figure will be extremely low. As adults, such people wait for detailed instructions from the outside: how they should act, think and even feel. There is also a high probability of developing inadequate self-esteem.
When is criticism useful?
When the child himself requests it, and you can help him with advice. For example, a child asks why a flower in a pot that he was caring for began to die. You: “For a flower to grow better, it must be placed in the sun and watered every day. Water is his food. Without food, a flower will die, like a person without food.” And ask your child how his flower is, and rejoice at the changes with him. There is no need to rush to save the flower. Give your child the opportunity to learn to obtain independent results - this is important for development.
Why does my child have low motivation?
Can do it, but doesn’t do it – it means there is no interest in the result. No matter how much you want him to try better, this will not increase his motivation. But it can develop. It is important for a child that he both knows how and wants to. These things are interconnected. The more he can do, the more he wants. As the skill improves, the desire to perform this action intensifies. Children love to achieve results, win, win.
You don't need to want for your child. Help him develop motivation to take action. Ask what goal the child set for himself. Find out if he needs your help. Help shape his own need to do better. So that he can make his own decision to do better.
When it comes to studying, the strongest motivation is the approval and support of parents.
Skillfully praise your child and support his initiative!
Help me understand what is not clear. Children love everything that is fun, interesting, exciting, and for the learning process to be like this, it is important, of course, that the teacher creates such conditions. You can do the same. If a child’s lesson is difficult, scary, uninteresting and boring, where will he get motivation? And if at home he still hears “You can do better,” then he doesn’t understand why he should study, unless it’s so that he won’t be punished with shame and criticism. Therefore, he will most likely maintain some required level of performance so that he will not be touched.
Teach a child to do something well, and he will want to do it! Teaching to do does not mean doing for him. Involve him in the process. Let him find it interesting and fun. Create an environment of trust. Show how fun it can be and how great it is to get good results. Praise him! And you will see how, after some time, the child himself will begin to do this and strive to do it well. Because you taught him.
It must be said that emotional connection and closeness with parents or with people performing their role is extremely important for a child. This means not just saying “You’re great” or “Do better,” but having a heart-to-heart conversation, listening to the child, doing something together, discussing events, sharing your impressions with him, telling the child interesting stories. Answer all your child’s questions, do not brush him off. When there is emotional intimacy, the child will want to share his successes and failures, joys and experiences with you in order to receive your support, help, and advice. The child will begin to trust you.
What will help you get closer to your child and form emotional intimacy?
Trusting communication and emotional closeness with your child is one of the most important issues in parenting. You need to work on intimacy, you need to teach your child intimacy. Closeness with your child will enrich your world and help your child to fully develop.
What will help:
1. Interest in the child’s life. Listening carefully. Questions like “What do you think about this?”, “How do you feel about this situation?”, “What would you like to do?”, “What result do you want to see?”, “Do you need my advice?”, “ Do you need my help?
2. Spend time together. Choose something that will be interesting to both you and your child. Discuss what he would like to do together and in general?
3. Every day, devote at least 30-40 minutes to communicate with your child, when he can share with you his interests, plans, experiences and joys.
4. Answer all your child’s questions, even if they are inconvenient.
5. Tactile contact is important for emotional intimacy - hugs, stroking, etc.
6. Joint hikes, trips, sports.
A passive child benefits not only from confidential communication with parents and their support, but also from physical activity. This will tone his body and improve his mood. He will want to move and do something. Together with him, choose any sports section in which he will participate.
Convey
Convey
1. whom (what). Carrying, delivering somewhere, to something. D. things to take home.
2. What. Make audible (sounds, smell). The wind carried the smell of smoke.
3. as for whom. Make it understandable, clear. D. the meaning of what was said to the listeners.
1. about what. Make a report. Intelligence reported that the enemy was approaching.
2. on whom (what). Make a denunciation.
Ozhegov's Explanatory Dictionary. S.I. Ozhegov, N.Yu. Shvedova. 1949-1992 .
See what “convey” is in other dictionaries:
To swindle, to zinc, to knock, to slander, to prove, to bring, to drip, to banish, to squeal, to report, to slander, to drip, to incriminate, to knock, to drag, to roll, to report, to snitch, to snitch, to swell, to finish,... ... Synonym dictionary
1. BRING, I carry, you carry; brought, carried, carried; reported; hay, hay, hay; St. who what. 1. Carrying, deliver to what point. places. He carried the child home in his arms. D. suitcase. I could barely carry the heavy bag. // Make audible, perceptible (about sounds, smells... encyclopedic Dictionary
REPORT, I will convey, you will convey; past vr. reported, reported. Sovereign to inform 2. Ushakov's explanatory dictionary. D.N. Ushakov. 1935 1940 … Ushakov's Explanatory Dictionary
BRING 1, su, sit; esla, if; esyonny (yon, ena); yes; owls Ozhegov's explanatory dictionary. S.I. Ozhegov, N.Yu. Shvedova. 1949 1992 … Ozhegov's Explanatory Dictionary
BRING 2, su, sit; esla, if; yes; owls Ozhegov's explanatory dictionary. S.I. Ozhegov, N.Yu. Shvedova. 1949 1992 … Ozhegov's Explanatory Dictionary
Convey (s), carry (s), carry (s); carried, carried, lo (s), whether (s) ... Russian word stress
I owls trans. 1. Carrying someone or something, deliver to a certain place. Ott. trans. Make it audible, tangible (sound, smell, etc.). 2. transfer Preserve and pass on to descendants something that has developed previously. 3. transfer Make it accessible and understandable.… … Modern explanatory dictionary of the Russian language by Efremova
Convey, I will report, we will report, you will report, you will report, will report, will report, having reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, report, report, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported, reported... Forms of words
convey- the word is completely finished... Spelling dictionary of Ukrainian language
Books
- , Clayton Mike. Speech and communication are amazing achievements that distinguish humans from the animal kingdom. But very often it happens that when we speak, people do not listen to us, so the book provides...
- How to speak so that they listen to you. Capture attention, hold it and get your point across, Clayton Mike. Speech and communication are amazing achievements that distinguish humans from the animal kingdom. But very often it happens that when we speak, people do not listen to us, so the book provides...