Summary of the parent meeting “Jug of Emotions. The ego and its mechanisms

"Jug" of our emotions

In previous lessons, the image of a “glass” helped us talk about the experiences of children and parents. We compared a calm state with an empty glass, and strong excitement, resentment, anger or joy - with a full or even overflowing glass.

We are now ready to better understand reasons for emotions. In this last lesson we will also remember and summarize much of what we covered earlier. And in conclusion, let’s return again to the answers to the main question of parents: “What to do?”

Let's start with the most unpleasant emotions - anger, malice, aggression. These feelings can be called destructive, since they destroy both the person himself (his psyche, health) and his relationships with other people. They are constant causes of conflicts, sometimes material destruction and even wars.

Let us again depict the “vessel” of our emotions. Let it be shaped like a jug this time (see Fig. 10.1). Let's place anger, malice and aggression at the very top of it. We will immediately show how these emotions manifest themselves in a person’s external behavior. This is, unfortunately, the familiar name-calling and insults, quarrels and fights, punishments, actions “out of spite,” etc.

Rice. 10.1

Now let’s ask, why does anger arise? Psychologists answer this question somewhat unexpectedly: anger is a secondary feeling, and it comes from experiences of a completely different kind, such as pain, fear, resentment.

Let's take a few examples from life. We have already discussed one of them: the daughter returns home very late, and the mother greets her with an angry reprimand. What is behind this anger? Of course, I experienced fear and anxiety for my daughter.

The child is angry with the doctor who gave him an injection. Here it is easy to see how anger arises from physical pain. It also happens that we teach children to get angry when they hurt themselves, for example, to hit “that nasty chair.”

The older brother constantly attacks the younger brother, whom, it seems to him, his parents “love more.” His aggression is the result of unspoken pain and resentment.

The daughter doesn’t want to... (do her homework, wash the dishes, go to bed) - and you get angry. From what? Most likely, out of frustration that your educational efforts remain unsuccessful.

So, we can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, frustration under feelings of anger and aggression as the causes of these destructive emotions (II layer of the “jug”).

Note that all the feelings of this second layer are passive: they contain a greater or lesser share of suffering. Therefore, they are not easy to express, they are usually kept silent about, they are hidden. Why? As a rule, out of fear of humiliation, of appearing weak. Sometimes a person himself is not very aware of them. (“I’m just angry, I don’t know why!”)

Hiding feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood. You have probably heard more than once how a father instructs a boy: “Don’t cry, it’s better to learn to fight back!”

By the way, this “harmless”, at first glance, advice is the beginning of a path along which, if you go without looking back, you can reach the principle of “an eye for an eye”!

However, let’s return to our diagram and ask: why do “passive” feelings arise? Psychologists give a very definite answer: the cause of pain, fear, resentment is in unmet needs.

We thus return to the topic of the needs of a person, including a child.

Every person, regardless of age, needs food, sleep, warmth, physical safety, etc. These are the so-called organic needs. They are obvious, and we will not talk much about them now.

Let's focus on those related to communication, and in a broad sense, to human life among people.

Here is an approximate (by no means complete) list of such needs, which are usually mentioned by the participants in our classes themselves.

A person needs: to be loved, understood, recognized, respected; so that someone needs him and is close to him; so that he has success - in business, study, at work; so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, and respect himself.

If there is no economic crisis or, especially, war in a country, then on average organic needs are more or less satisfied. But the needs just listed are always in risk zone!

Human society, despite thousands of years of cultural development, has not learned to guarantee psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) to each of its members. And this is a very difficult task. After all, a person’s happiness depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which he grows, lives and works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. And this climate and baggage depend on the style of communication, and above all, the parents and the child.

Unfortunately, we do not yet have mandatory communication schools. They are just emerging, and even then they are on a voluntary basis.

So, any need on our list may be unsatisfied, and this, as we have already said, will lead to suffering, and possibly to “destructive” emotions.

Let's take an example.

Suppose a person is very unlucky: one failure follows another. This means that his need for success, recognition, and perhaps self-esteem is not satisfied. As a result, he may develop persistent disappointment in his abilities or depression, or resentment and anger at the “culprits.”

And this is the case with any negative experience: behind it we will always find some unfulfilled need.

Let's look at the diagram again and see if there is anything that lies below the needs layer? It turns out there is!

It happens that when we meet, we ask a friend: “How are you?”, “How is life in general?”, “Are you happy?” - and we get the answer: “You know, I’m unlucky,” or: “Everything is fine with me, I’m fine!”

These answers reflect a special kind of human experience - attitude towards oneself conclusion about yourself.

It is clear that such attitudes and conclusions can change along with life circumstances. At the same time, they have a certain “common denominator” that makes each of us more or less an optimist or a pessimist, more or less believing in ourselves, and therefore more or less resistant to the blows of fate.

Psychologists have devoted much research to such self-experiences. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-evaluation, and more often, self-esteem. Perhaps the most successful word was coined by V. Satir. She called this complex and difficult to convey feeling sense of self-worth.

Scientists have discovered and proven several important facts. Firstly, they discovered that self-esteem (we will use this more familiar word) greatly influences a person’s life and even destiny. Thus, children with low self-esteem, but quite capable, study worse, get along poorly with peers and teachers, and are less successful later in adulthood.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child’s life, and depends on how the parents treat him. If they understand and accept him, are tolerant of his “shortcomings” and mistakes, he grows up with a positive attitude towards himself. If a child is constantly “educated”, criticized and drilled, his self-esteem turns out to be low and flawed.

The general law here is simple:

In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words and attitudes of loved ones towards us.

In this sense, a small child does not have inner vision. His self-image is built from the outside; sooner or later he begins to see himself this way, how others see him.

However, the child does not remain passive in this process. Another law of all living things applies here: actively seek what survival depends on.

A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child constantly seeks and even fights for it.

He is waiting for us to confirm that he is... good, what's his love, what he Maybe cope with feasible (and even slightly more complex) tasks. Let's write all this down as the basic aspirations of a child and every person in general (layer IV in our diagram).

Let's look at how these aspirations show up in children's everyday lives.

Here's a parent in a vehemence throws at his son: "You are a bad boy!", to which the baby, stamping his foot, objects: “No, I’m hot!”

A three-year-old girl, seeing her grandmother’s angry face, demands: “Say: bunny!”“Bunny” in the home language means affectionately: “You are my good one,” and it is absolutely necessary for a girl to receive this confirmation of love at critical moments.

Whatever a child does, he needs our recognition of his success.

Everyone knows how a baby, with his eyes and his whole appearance (when he still can’t speak), and then in direct words, constantly asks: “Look what I did!”, “Look what I can already do!” And starting from the age of 2, he already has the famous: “I myself!” - demand to admit that he can do it!

Let’s place at the bottom of the emotional jug the most important “jewel” given to us by nature – the feeling of the energy of life. Let’s depict it in the form of a “sun” and denote it with the words: "I am!" or more pathetically: “It’s me, Lord!”

Together with basic aspirations, it forms an initial, still poorly formed sense of self. This is a certain feeling of internal well-being or ill-being that the baby actually experiences. Just watch how he greets a new day: with a smile or a cry.

The further fate of this feeling of self is dynamic and sometimes dramatic. Although a child has been fighting for his “sun” since birth, his strength is limited, and the smaller he is, the more he is in the power of his parents.

Let's repeat:

Every address to a child -

in word, deed, intonation, gesture, frowning eyebrows and even silence, we inform him not only about ourselves, our condition, but always about him, and often mainly about him.

Repeated signs of greeting, approval, love and acceptance give the child the feeling: “I’m okay” "I – good", and from signals of condemnation, displeasure, criticism - a feeling of “something is wrong with me”, "I am bad".

Let's try to focus our attention on the baby's experiences in everyday life.

To do this, I will give a story from one child psychologist.

“The father of a one-year-old child comes to me for a consultation and, among other things, talks about this case. His 11-month-old son was left in a crib with a table next to him. The baby somehow managed to climb over the headboard onto the table, where his father found him when he entered the room. The child, rocking on all fours, beamed victoriously, and the father was overcome with fear. He ran up to the baby, grabbed him sharply, put him in his place and sternly threatened him with his finger. The child cried bitterly and could not calm down for a long time.”

“I suggested to the father,” the psychologist continues, “try to get into the skin of your son and imagine that you are 11 months old. And here you are, baby, for the first time in your life (!), having spent heroic efforts, you got out of your boring bed into a new uncharted territory. How would you feel? The father replied: “Joy, pride, triumph.” “Now,” I continued, “imagine that a person dear to you, your dad, appears, and you invite him to share your joy. Instead, he angrily punishes you, and you have no idea why!”

“My God,” said the father, clutching his head, “what have I done, poor boy!”

This example, of course, is not about not protecting the child from falling off the table. It’s about the fact that, while protecting and educating, we must be aware of what message about him We are sending it to him now.

A child most often perceives punishment as a message: “You are bad!”, criticism of mistakes – “You can’t!”, ignoring – “I don’t care about you” and even – “You are unloved.”

A child’s mental piggy bank works continuously, and the younger he is, the more indelible the impact of what we throw into it. Fortunately, with young children, parents are more affectionate and attentive, although with them it is not always possible to avoid mistakes, as in the case just described. But as the child grows up, the “educational” string begins to sound more and more strongly, and sometimes we stop caring about what accumulates in his “treasury” of self-esteem: the bright gifts of our warmth, acceptance and approval - or the heavy stones of shouts, criticism, punishment.

The following two examples illustrate how differently the life of a child and then an adult develop in extreme cases of acceptance and non-acceptance.

The first I take from personal experience with a wonderful woman, a mother of three children, with whom I was lucky enough to spend several months together. He was an amazingly kind and generous person. She easily shared everything she had, found reasons to give gifts, and helped people with money and deeds. But what impressed me most was her special spiritual generosity. In moments of despondency or grief of another, she always found a kind word or a smile, and in moments of tension - a wise way out. In her presence, problems became simpler and the atmosphere more humane. This gift of hers charmed everyone who came into contact with her.

One day I asked her directly: “Where do you get so much kindness and generosity?” And I received the following answer: “It’s very simple: even in my mother’s belly, I knew for sure that my mother loved me very much and was waiting for me. And then, from the first days of my life, I also always knew that both my mother and father loved me very much and that I was very dear to them. Now I’m just giving back to the world what I received from my parents.”

It is unnecessary to talk about the care with which my friend’s already elderly mother was surrounded at that time.

Another example, unfortunately, is also from real life.

The girl is a 15-year-old teenager whose relationship with her mother is almost severed. Spends his days “in the hallways”, no one knows with whom, no one knows how.

When the girl was 4–5 years old, the following scenes were often repeated: she would go up to the wall and hit her head hard against it. To the mother’s question: “What are you doing? Stop doing that!" - she answered: “No, I will!” I punish myself because I’m bad!”

This story is amazing. By the age of five, the girl no longer knew that she was good. The warm and friendly treatment of her parents could have informed her of this. However, the situation in the family was much worse: the father drank, there was not enough money, a second child appeared... The twitchy mother often took it out on her eldest daughter. The girl's basic desire to be “good” forced her to look for ways to “correct” herself. But she knew only one way of so-called correction - punishment, and did not know at all that this path was hopeless!

“GO AWAY, YOU BAD!”

How children who were rated “good” or “bad” in the first grades fare at school became the subject of one study.

The psychologist regularly attended classes in grades 1–2 at a regular Moscow school. He sat silently in the back desk, explaining to the teacher that he was observing the children’s behavior. In fact, he was interested in how many times and how the teacher addresses “excellent students” and “low students” (for this purpose, 3-4 students from each group were allocated in each class).

The numbers turned out to be amazing. Each “excellent student” received an average of 23 approving remarks per day, such as: “Well done,” “Take him as an example,” “I know that you learned everything,” “Excellent, as always”... and only 1–2 negative comments.

For the “B” students, everything turned out to be the opposite: on average there were 25 critical comments per day (“You again!”, “When will you finally!”, “No good!”, “I just don’t know what to do with you!” ) and only 0–1 positive or neutral treatment.

This attitude was passed on to fellow students.

Usually the kids surrounded the psychologist during breaks and willingly talked to him. They touchingly expressed their affection, trying to come as close as possible, touching, holding his hands, sometimes even sharing his fingers among themselves. When a “failing student” approached this dense ring of children, the guys chased him away: “Go away, you can’t come here!” You are bad!"

Imagine yourself in the place of such a child. 25 times a day you hear only criticism addressed to you from authoritative and respected people, and so on day after day, month after month, year after year! And in between, you are pushed away by your peers or colleagues. What will happen to you? How can you survive?

How children “survive” became clear when the study was continued in a colony for juvenile offenders. It turned out that of all the teenagers placed in the colony, 98% were not accepted by their peers and teachers, starting from the first grades of school!

(Based on materials from the dissertation work of Gintas Valickas)

Punishment, and even more so the child’s self-punishment, only aggravates his feeling of trouble and unhappiness. As a result, he eventually comes to the conclusion: “Bad, so be it! And I’ll be bad!” This is a challenge that hides the bitterness of despair.

Do we always hear this despair?

Life shows that this is not always the case. The dysfunctional child continues to be punished, criticized, and then completely rejected in the family and school (see Box 10-1).

Now we can use the “jug” of emotions to better understand what level of problem we are dealing with in each individual case. At the same time, we will repeat and systematize all our previous answers to the question “What should we do?”

1. The child is angry with his mother: “You are bad, I don’t love you!”

We already know that behind his anger lies pain, resentment, etc. (layers I and II of our diagram). In this case it is best actively listen guess and name his “suffering” feeling.

What you should not do is condemn and punish him in return. This can only worsen his negative experience (and yours too).

It is better to leave your educational words until the time when the situation is calm and your tone is friendly.

2. “You’re in pain”...

If a child openly suffers from pain, resentment, fear, then active listening– irreplaceable. This method is directly intended for experiences from layer II of our diagram.

If a parent experiences the same feelings, then it is best to express them in the form "I-messages".

However, it is important to remember that if the child’s “glass” is also full, then his ears may not hear you; you should listen to him first.

3. What is he missing?

If a child’s dissatisfaction or suffering is repeated for the same reason, if he constantly whines, asks to play, read, or, conversely, constantly disobeys, fights, is rude... it is very likely that the reason is the dissatisfaction of some of his needs (III circuit layer). He may lack your attention or, conversely, a sense of freedom and independence; he may suffer from neglected studies or failure at school.

In this case, active listening alone is not enough. True, you can start with it, but then try understand what your child is still missing. You will really help him if you spend more time with him, pay attention to his activities more often, or, conversely, stop controlling him at every step.

We have already discussed above that one of the very effective ways is to create conditions that do not contradict, but meet the needs of the child.

He wants to move a lot - to organize the open space well, wants to explore the puddles - you can wear high boots, wants to paint large pictures - an extra piece of cheap wallpaper will not hurt.

Let me remind you that rowing with the current is incomparably easier than rowing against it.

Understanding the child’s needs, accepting them and responding to them with your actions means actively listening to the child. in the broadest sense.

This ability develops in parents as they increasingly practice active listening techniques.

4. “You are dear to me, and everything will be fine with you!” The further down we move through the layers of our scheme, the more significant the influence of the style of communication with him on the child. About what kind of person he is - good, dear, capable, or bad, useless, a loser - he learns only from adults and, above all, from his parents.

If the deepest layer - the emotional sense of self - is made up of negative experiences, many areas of the child’s life are upset. He becomes “difficult” both for himself and for those around him. Great efforts are needed to help him in such cases. Most often you have to start with helping parents; in particular, the training to which this book is dedicated turns out to be very effective.

In order to prevent a child from becoming deeply discordant with himself and the world around him, it is necessary to constantly support his self-esteem or sense of self-worth.

Let's look again at how we can do this.

1. Unconditionally accept it.

2. – Actively listen to his experiences and needs.

4. – Do not interfere with his activities, which he copes with.

5. Help when asked.

6. Maintain success.

7. – Sharing your feelings (means trusting).

8. Resolve conflicts constructively.

9. – Use friendly phrases in everyday communication. For example:

I feel good with you.

I'm glad to see you.

It's good that you came.

I like the way you...

I miss you.

Let's (sit, do...) together.

Of course you can handle it.

It's so good that we have you.

You are my good one.

10. – Hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day.

And much more that intuition and love for your child will tell you, unclouded by grief, which, although they happen, are, by God, completely surmountable!

Good luck and peace of mind!

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Unpleasant emotions - anger, malice, aggression. These feelings can be called destructive , since they destroy both the person himself (his psyche, health) and his relationships with other people. They are constant causes of conflicts, sometimes material destruction, and even wars.

Let us depict the “vessel” of our emotions in the form of a jug. Let's place anger, malice and aggression at the very top of it. We will immediately show how these emotions manifest themselves in a person’s external behavior. This is, unfortunately, familiar to many: name-calling and insults, quarrels, punishments, actions “out of spite,” etc.

Now let’s ask: why does anger arise? Psychologists answer this question somewhat unexpectedly: anger is a secondary feeling, and it comes from experiences of a completely different kind, such as pain, fear, resentment.

So, we can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, frustration under the feelings of anger and aggression as the causes of these destructive emotions (layer II of the “jug”).

And all the feelings of this second layer - passive : They contain a greater or lesser share of suffering. Therefore, they are not easy to express, they are usually kept silent about, they are hidden. Why? As a rule, because of the fear of humiliation, of appearing weak. Sometimes a person himself is not very aware of them (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”).

Hiding feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood. You have probably heard more than once how a father instructs a boy: “Don’t cry, it’s better to learn to fight back!”

Why do “painful” feelings arise? Psychologists give a very definite answer: the cause of pain, fear, resentment - in unmet needs.

Every person, regardless of age, needs food, sleep, warmth, physical safety, etc. These are the so-called organic needs. They are obvious, and we will not talk about them now.

Let's focus on those related to communication, and in a broad sense, to human life among people.

Here is an approximate (by no means complete) list of such needs.

If there is no economic crisis or, especially, war in a country, then on average organic needs are more or less satisfied. But the needs just listed are always in risk zone!

Human society, despite thousands of years of cultural development, has not learned to guarantee psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) to each of its members. And this is a very difficult task. After all, a person’s happiness depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which he grows, lives and works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. > Unfortunately, we do not yet have mandatory communication schools. They are just emerging, and even then they are on a voluntary basis.

So, any need on our list may be unsatisfied, and this, as we have already said, will lead to suffering, and possibly to “destructive” emotions.

Let's take an example. Suppose a person is very unlucky: one failure follows another. This means that his need for success, recognition, and perhaps self-esteem is not satisfied. As a result, he may develop persistent disappointment in his abilities or depression, or resentment and anger at the “culprits.”

And this is the case with any negative experience: behind it we will always find some unfulfilled need.

Let's look at the diagram again and see if there is anything that lies below the layer of needs? It turns out there is!

It happens that when we meet, we ask a friend: “How are you?”, “How is life in general?”, “Are you happy?” - and we get the answer “You know, I’m unlucky,” or: “Everything is fine with me, I’m fine!”

These answers reflect a special kind of human experience - attitude towards oneself, conclusion about yourself.

Scientists have discovered and proven several important facts. Firstly, they discovered that self-esteem (we will use this more familiar word) greatly influences a person’s life and even destiny.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child’s life, and depends on how the parents treat him.

The general law here is simple: A positive attitude towards yourself is the basis of psychological survival.

Basic needs: “I am loved!”, “I am good!”, “I can!”.

At the very bottom of the emotional jug is the most important “jewel” given to us by nature - the feeling of the energy of life. Let’s depict it in the form of a “sun” and denote it with the words: “I am!” or more pathetically: “It’s me, Lord!”

Together with basic aspirations, it forms the initial sense of self - a sense of inner well-being and the energy of life!

Unpleasant emotions - anger, malice, aggression. These feelings can be called destructive, since they destroy both the person himself (his psyche, health) and his relationships with other people. They are constant causes of conflicts, sometimes material destruction, and even wars.

So, we can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, frustration under the feelings of anger and aggression as the causes of these destructive emotions (layer II of the “jug”).

Moreover, all the feelings of this second layer are passive: they contain a greater or lesser share of suffering. Therefore, they are not easy to express, they are usually kept silent about, they are hidden. Why? As a rule, because of the fear of humiliation, of appearing weak. Sometimes a person himself is not very aware of them (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”).

Hiding feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood. You have probably heard more than once how a father instructs a boy: “Don’t cry, it’s better to learn to fight back!”

Why do “painful” feelings arise? Psychologists give a very definite answer: the cause of pain, fear, and resentment is the dissatisfaction of needs.

Every person, regardless of age, needs food, sleep, warmth, physical safety, etc. These are the so-called organic needs. They are obvious, and we will not talk about them now.

Let's focus on those related to communication, and in a broad sense, to human life among people.

Here is an approximate (by no means complete) list of such needs.

A person needs: to be loved, understood, recognized, respected; so that someone needs him and is close to him; so that he has success - in business, study, at work; so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, and respect himself.

If there is no economic crisis or, especially, war in a country, then on average organic needs are more or less satisfied. But the needs just listed are always at risk!

Human society, despite thousands of years of cultural development, has not learned to guarantee psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) to each of its members. And this is a very difficult task. After all, a person’s happiness depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which he grows, lives and works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. Unfortunately, we do not yet have mandatory communication schools. They are just emerging, and even then they are on a voluntary basis.

So, any need on our list may be unsatisfied, and this, as we have already said, will lead to suffering, and possibly to “destructive” emotions.

And this is how it is with any negative experience: behind it we will always find some unfulfilled need. Let's look at the diagram again and see if there is anything that lies below the layer of needs? It turns out there is! It happens that when we meet, we ask a friend: “How are you?”, “How is life in general?”, “Are you happy?” - and we get the answer: “You know, I’m unlucky,” or: “Everything is fine with me, I’m fine!”

These answers reflect a special kind of human experience - an attitude towards oneself, a conclusion about oneself.

Scientists have discovered and proven several important facts. Firstly, they discovered that self-esteem (we will use this more familiar word) greatly influences a person’s life and even destiny.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child’s life, and depends on how the parents treat him.

The general law here is simple: A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival. Basic needs: “I am loved!”, “I am good!”, “I can!”.

Together with basic aspirations, it forms the initial sense of self - a sense of inner well-being and the energy of life!

Yu. B. Gippenreiter

Material for conducting parent education

on the topic

"Jug" of our emotions"

Exercise “My Child”, part 1

Dear parents, on the sheet for 2 minutes continue the phrase “My child...” in different versions. Look at the qualities you wrote. Circle those that are bothering you now, that you don’t like, and that you would like to change.

Leave this work for a while.

Today I would like to invite you to understand reasons for emotions (ours and children's).

And in conclusion, try to answer the main question: “What to do?”

Let's start with the most unpleasant emotions -anger, malice, aggression. These feelings can be calleddestructive, since they destroy both the person himself (his psyche, health) and his relationships with other people.

Let us depict a certain “vessel” of our emotions. Let it be shaped like a jug. Let's place anger, malice and aggression at the very top of it. In a person’s external behavior, these emotions manifest themselves in the form of name-calling and insults, quarrels and fights, punishment, actions “out of spite,” etc.

Now let's ask: why does anger arise?In the psychology of emotions, anger is a secondary feeling, and it comes from experiences of a completely different kind, such as pain, fear, resentment.

Let's take a few examples from life.

The daughter returns home very late, and her mother greets her with an angry reprimand. What is behind this anger? Of course, I experienced fear and anxiety for my daughter.

The older brother constantly attacks the younger brother, whom, it seems to him, his parents “love more.” His aggression is the result of unspoken pain and resentment.

The child doesn’t want to... (do homework, wash the dishes, go to bed) - and you get angry. From what? Most likely, out of frustration that your educational efforts remain unsuccessful.

So, we can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, frustration under feelings of anger and aggression as the causes of these destructive emotions (II layer of the “jug”).

Note that all the feelings of this second layer are passive : They contain a greater or lesser share of suffering. Therefore, they are not easy to express, they are usually kept silent about, they are hidden. Why? As a rule, out of fear of humiliation, of appearing weak. Sometimes a person himself is not very aware of them.

Why do “painful” feelings arise? The cause of pain, fear, resentment -in unmet needs.

Every person, regardless of age, needs food, sleep, warmth, physical safety, etc. These are the so-called organic needs. They are obvious, and we will not talk much about them now.

Let's focus on those related to communication, and in a broad sense, to human life among people.

Here is an approximate (by no means complete) list of such needs:

A person needs:

To be loved, understood, recognized, respected;

So that someone needs him and is close;

So that he has success - in business, study, at work;

So that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself.

Any need from our list may turn out to be unsatisfied, and this, as we have already said, → will lead to suffering , and perhaps → and to"destructive" emotions.

For example, a child with persistent poor performance at school (discuss: it lasts a long time, the need for recognition, success, self-realization is not satisfied, hence - disappointment in oneself, resentment, and as a result, anger and aggression towards the “culprits”: teachers, circumstances, etc. And outwardly this can manifest itself in protest behavior, demonstrativeness, and disruption of lessons).

And this is how it is with any negative experience: behind it we will always find some unfulfilled need.

Let's look at the diagram again and seeis there anything that lies below the needs layer? It turns out there is!

These answers reflect a special kind of human experience - an attitude towards oneself, a conclusion about oneself.

The attitude towards oneself can be calledsense of self-worth, or self-esteem.

Self-esteem has been proven to greatly influence a person’s life. Thus, children with low self-esteem, but quite capable, study worse, get along poorly with peers and teachers, and are less successful later in adulthood.

The foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child’s life, and depends on how his parents treat him.If they understand and accept him, are tolerant of his “shortcomings” and mistakes, he grows up with a positive attitude towards himself. If a child is constantly “educated”, criticized and drilled, his self-esteem turns out to be low and flawed.

The general law here is simple.

In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words of people close to us..

In this sense, a small child does not have inner vision. His self-image is built from the outside; sooner or later he begins to see himself as others see him.

However, there is another law of all living things:actively pursue what survival depends on(the instinct of self-preservation).

A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child constantly seeks and even fights for it.

He expects confirmation from us that he is good, that he is loved, that he can cope with feasible (and even slightly more difficult) tasks.

These are the basic aspirations of a child and every person in general (sing IV in our diagram).

Whatever a child does, he needs our recognition of his success.

Remember your child, when he did not yet know how to speak, but with his eyes and his whole appearance, and then directly with his words, he constantly asked: “Look what I did!”, “Look what I can already do!” And starting from the age of 2, he already has the famous: “I myself!” - the requirement to admit that he can do it!

Therefore, at the bottom of our emotional jug lies the most important “jewel” given to us by nature - the feeling of the energy of life. Let's depict it in the form of a “sun”.

Together with basic aspirations, it forms an initial, still poorly formed sense of self. This is some feeling of internal well-being or ill-being that the child experiences.

Therefore: with every appeal to a child - in word, deed, intonation, gesture, frowned brows and even silence, we inform him not only about ourselves, our condition, but always about him, and often mainly about him.

From repeated signs of greeting, approval, love and acceptance, the child develops the feeling: “everything is fine with me”, “I am good”, and from signals of condemnation, displeasure, criticism - the feeling “there is something wrong with me”, “ I am bad".

A child most often perceives punishment as a message: “You are bad!”, criticism of mistakes - “You can’t!”, ignoring - “I don’t care about you,” and even “You are unloved.”

A child’s mental piggy bank works continuously, and the younger he is, the more indelible the impact of what we throw into it.

Based on materials from the dissertation work of Gintas Valickas,Head of the Department of General Psychology at Vilnius University, Dr. Ps. Sc., professor.

“GO AWAY, YOU BAD!”

How children who were rated “good” or “bad” in the first grades fare at school became the subject of one study.

The psychologist regularly attended classes in the 1st and 2nd grades of a regular Moscow school. He sat silently in the back desk, explaining to the teacher that he was observing the children’s behavior. In fact, he was interested in how many times and how the teacher addresses “excellent students” and “low students” (for this, 3-4 students from each group were allocated in each class).

The numbers turned out to be amazing. Each “excellent student” received an average of 23 approving comments per day, such as: “Well done,” “Take him as an example,” “I know that you learned everything,” “Excellent, as always”... and only 1 -2 negative comments.

This attitude was passed on to fellow students.

Usually the kids surrounded the psychologist during breaks and willingly talked to him. They touchingly expressed their affection, trying to come as close as possible, touching, holding his hands, sometimes even sharing his fingers among themselves. When a “low student” approached this dense ring of children, the guys chased him away:

“Go away, you can’t come here! You are bad!"

Imagine yourself in the place of such a child: 25 times a day you hear only criticism addressed to you from authoritative and respected people, and so on day after day, month after month, year after year...! And in between, you are pushed away by your peers or colleagues. What will happen to you? How can you survive?

* * *

Now we can use the “jug” of emotions to better understand what level of problem we are dealing with in each individual case and systematize the answers to the question: “What to do?”

1. The child is angry with his mother: “You are bad, I don’t love you!”

We already know that behind his anger lies pain, resentment, etc. (I and II layers of our scheme). In this case it is bestactively listen, guess and name his “suffering” feeling.

What not to do - is to condemn and punish him in return. This can only worsen his negative experience (and yours too).

It is better to leave your educational words until the time when the situation is calm and your tone is friendly.

2. “You’re in pain”...

If a child openly suffers from pain, resentment, fear,then active listening- irreplaceable. This method is directly intended for experiences from layer II of our diagram.

If a parent experiences the same feelings, then it is best to express them in the form"I-messages".

3. What is he missing?

If a child’s dissatisfaction or suffering is repeated for the same reason, if he constantly does not listen, fights, is rude... it is very likely that the reason is the dissatisfaction of some of his needs (III layer of the diagram). He may lack your attention or, conversely, a sense of freedom and independence; he may suffer from neglected studies or failure at school.

In this case, active listening alone is not enough. True, you can start with it, but thentry to understand what your child is missing. You will really help him if you spend more time with him, pay attention to his activities more often, or, conversely, stop controlling him at every step.

Understanding the child's needs, accepting them and responding to them with your actions means actively listening to the child in the broadest sense.

4. “You are dear to me, and everything will be fine with you!”

If the deepest layer - the emotional sense of self - is made up of negative experiences, many areas of the child's life are upset. He becomes “difficult” both for himself and for those around him.

In order to prevent a child from becoming deeply discordant with himself and the world around him, you need to constantly support his self-esteem or sense of self-worth and pay attention to the style of your communication with the child.

Under no circumstances should you hide, let alone accumulate, negative feelings towards a child or spouse.You need to express your aggression, but expressed in a special way:

You can express dissatisfaction with individual actions, but not with a person as a whole.
You can condemn actions, but not feelings, no matter how unwanted or “inadmissible” they may be. If they arose, then there was a reason for it.
Dissatisfaction with the actions of a child or adult should not be systematic, otherwise it will develop into rejection.

The aggressiveness of a civilized person arises from the fact that his basic aspirations are not realized: “I am,” “I am able,” “I am good,” “I am loved.” Because our needs are not met: for love, attention, understanding, freedom, self-esteem, knowledge, and the realization of our own potential. This lack of fulfillment causes pain, resentment and fear. And pain, resentment and fear give rise to aggression, negative behavior woven from anger or malice.

It's no secret that with the improvement of emotional well-being, a person begins to show a natural interest in knowledge, development, and cooperation.

Exercise “My Child”, part 2

Now look with a new eye at the phrase that you continued at the very beginning of our meeting. How does it make you feel now? You have the opportunity to look at your child and your relationship with him from a slightly different side...

Questions, receiving feedback.

LITERATURE:

Gippenreiter Yu.B. Communicate with the child. How? - M.: “CheRo” 2004. – 240 pp.: ill.
Parent meetings with a psychologist. 1-11 grades. Meeting developments. Test material. Handouts for parents. / O.K.Simonova. – M.: Planeta, 20011.-128 p.

REMINDER

1. Unconditionally accept it.

5. Help when asked.

6. Maintain success.

Psychologist and Me®

REMINDER

How to maintain a child's sense of self-worth?

1. Unconditionally accept it.

2. Actively listen to his experiences and needs.

4. Do not interfere with his activities, which he copes with.

5. Help when asked.

6. Maintain success.

7. Sharing your feelings (means trusting).

8. Resolve conflicts constructively.

9. Use friendly phrases in everyday communication. For example: I feel good with you. I'm glad to see you. It's good that you came. I like the way you... I miss you. Let's (sit, do...) together. Of course you can handle it. It's so good that we have you. You are my good one.

10. Hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day.

And much more that intuition and love for your child will tell you, unclouded by grief, which, although they happen, by God, is completely surmountable!

Good luck and peace of mind!

“When a child experiences unbearable pain, he begins to develop pathological defense mechanisms. For him, this is the only way out of a life-threatening crisis, however, defensive forms of behavior lead to social isolation if, in the process of communication, they are not adequately understood by others. If the pathological reaction is not understood by anyone, then the message of the victim, like a cry for help in the mountains, returns to him, already scared to death, as a useless echo. The teacher’s task is to understand the personal meaning of the defense mechanism and share it with the child in need of protection, so that his actions as a lonely being become social actions...” Christel Manske « »

In her book, Christel Manske describes the observations she has accumulated over many years (more than 20 years) of experience working with children. This is a unique path of long rethinking and new perception of the child. Christelle came to the deep conviction that...The more pronounced behavioral deviations from the norm are in a child, the more we have to learn from the child!Understanding the meaning of a child’s defensive reactions and sharing it with him is the most important task of a close adult.

Wonderful psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter in his article “About the causes of emotions. "Jug" of emotions" provides a scientific basis for the causes of destructive emotions, compactly placing them in a vivid and memorable metaphor of a “jug.” This diagram helps to understand the mechanism of negative behavior of both an ordinary child and a child with special needs. I invite you to go inside this “jug” to try to understand and feel what a special child experiences while in our society.

So, we sink to the bottom of the emotional jug.( Ι∨ level). It is formed sense of self-worth (in the terminology of V. Satir). This is the most important “jewel” given to us by nature - feeling the energy of life: "I am!" or “It’s me, Lord!” Together with basic aspirations (“I am loved!”, “I am good!”, “I can!”), it forms the initial sense of self - a sense of inner well-being and the energy of life!

Being in the cold conditions of our society, a special child loses the most important thing - sense of self-worth!

Christel Manske compares the life of a special child in society with the life of a hedgehog in hibernation: in order to survive, he needs to reduce cellular activity to a minimum. « Our society does not want to accept them. The parents understood this. The teachers understood this. The teachers understood this. The judges understood this. The children understood this. Every day they roll the stone of prejudice up the mountain. Having reached the top, they fall down, because they have no opportunity to plan their future life. None of us can withstand the daily neglect and indifference of society without losing something...”

The first thing a child loses is opportunity. meeting the needs associated with life in society (ΙΙ Ι level of emotional jug). We are talking about satisfying such vital needs as the need V love, understanding, recognition, respect. Yu.B. Gippenreiter writes about this: “Human society, despite thousands of years of cultural development, has never learned to guarantee psychological well-being (not to mention happiness!) to each of its members.”. For children with special needs, this statement is 200% true. “Special children face an insoluble problem: no one is waiting for them in our society, since they are considered mentally handicapped, writes Christel Manske. - No one wants to notice or acknowledge their heroic and desperate attempts, despite their “inferiority,” to develop at least a little bit.”.

If at least one of these needs (for love, understanding, recognition, respect) remains unsatisfied,pain, resentment, fear, frustration (ΙΙ "jug" layer). All these feelings are passive: they contain a greater or lesser share of suffering. Most often, the child cannot directly say about his suffering and what he wants. Most often, to communicate this to us, he resorts to the use of various defense mechanisms and the destructive emotions that accompany them.

This is what comes to the surface, what is directly visible and observable to us ( Ι level): anger, malice, aggression (protective mechanisms by type of behavioral deviations), as well as protective mechanisms depressed and autistic type of response.

It is pointless to fight a child’s inappropriate behavioral reactions until we restore his sense of self-worth, until we give him a chance to rehabilitate himself, to become an independent and self-confident person. " This is exactly what we must convey to a special child., - says Christel, - we hope he will be okay. And every problem he solves is a path to his rehabilitation. "

What prevents us from treating a special child in this way?!