Good day to you, dear readers! Perhaps many people have one strange and illogical quality - other people’s opinions are important to them. Other people's approval is important. It's important to please everyone. And you can’t even imagine how this quality complicates life!
This global belief “I need the approval of others” is embedded very deeply in us. And the more we believe in it, the heavier our load. Pointless cargo! How not to depend on the opinions of others?
What's bad about it?
There's nothing wrong with liking someone. But if you try to please someone, if you need approval, you put yourself in chains.
The thirst for approval causes something like the following in a person:
- we do not accept that part of ourselves that others may not like, we increase internal conflict, we move away from ourselves instead of studying;
- we don't allow ourselves to be sincere. We cannot build sincere relationships. We’re just trying to present ourselves better. In such relationships there is little intimacy, little joy;
- we can do something to our detriment for the approval of others;
- we are ready to neglect our values for the sake of others;
- we cannot stand criticism, we become very touchy;
- we spend too much energy communicating with strangers;
- we carry with us the fear of not being liked by another person, the burden of disappointments and unfulfilled hopes;
- since it is very difficult to please everyone all the time, your self-esteem is always under attack;
- you make your happiness dependent on other people.
Of course, some people have a stronger desire for approval, while others have a weaker one. And all these symptoms may or may not be vivid. But in any case, these are unpleasant symptoms.
People often come to me with similar requests. Therefore, I want to offer you one of the good options for working on this topic, to show how you can let go of this belief on your own. It’s not a fact that it will go away completely, but at least it should get easier!
Removing false belief
So, first answer this question: why is it important for you to be approved? Why do you need to please everyone?
One way or another, you will come to the conclusion that this is necessary to be happy. We all ultimately want to be happy. And for example, I’ll take the belief “I need the approval of others to be happy.” You can change this phrase a little as you want. How do you feel? But I will analyze this particular example as the most illustrative.
Attention! Do not read this article just for information. Read - and do it right away! Don't move on to the second step without working through the first. And so on.
If you first read everything to the end and then decide to do it, this will reduce the effect. To complete the exercise you will need only 5-7 minutes. You can take long breaks between steps. This is fine. But don't start the next step without working on the previous one.
First step
Ask yourself objectively: is this true? Is it true that you need the approval of others to be happy? Is it true that you can't be happy if no one likes you?
Take your time. Think objectively. Let your experience tell you that this is true, but answer yourself honestly... Can you know for sure that happiness is impossible without the approval of others? Can you really know what is the essential element of happiness?
Answer only “yes” or “no”. Without any “buts” and “maybes”. Only “yes” or “no”. And answer honestly, objectively! You want to know the truth, right?
Second step
Now imagine in every detail how you live when you believe this crazy thought, “I need the approval of others to be happy.”
How do you communicate with others when you are craving approval? How do you behave among friends or strangers when you are sure that everyone needs to like you? How do you react to children’s public tantrums, to your appearance, to something else when other people’s approval is important to you?
How do you perceive criticism addressed to you? How do you feel before visiting unfamiliar places and meeting new people? How does this affect your relationships, your self-confidence, your well-being and your happiness?
And what happens if suddenly someone doesn't like you? What if someone doesn't approve of you? What are you experiencing? How are you behaving? How is your condition changing? How does your bad state affect the rest of your day?
The better you feel this, the more powerful the effect of the exercise will be.
Third step
Now try to imagine how you would live if you didn’t have the thought “I need the approval of others to be happy.” Just try to imagine what it would be like if you didn't have to please everyone. If only I didn't have to earn someone's approval.
Don't try to dismiss this thought. Just imagine. If...
Imagine that you communicate with people, but you do not feel that they need to like you in order to be happy. How would you feel? How would you communicate? Would it be easier for you? Could you become more sincere?
Perhaps, without the thought of needing someone else's approval, communication would give you more joy? Perhaps, without the desire to please others, you would radically change your life, your activities, your principles? Feel it... What would happen if you forgot how to think, “I need the approval of others to be happy”? What if it became as absurd to you as “I need to become president to be happy?”
Would it be easier for you to hear yourself? Love yourself? To be in harmony with yourself?
Imagine if you were disapproved of, but you didn't have the idea that you needed the approval of others to be happy... How would you feel?
Try to feel all this in as much detail as possible... If you didn’t have this crazy thought “I need the approval of others to be happy”... Would your life be easier, freer, more joyful? Would you be happier without wanting to please everyone?
Fourth step
And now that you have really felt all this, not speculatively, but thoroughly realized and felt it... You can draw a logical conclusion.
If you did everything right, you have a good feeling that without the thought “I need the approval of others to be happy,” you would be much happier.
So... Look what happens! You believe in a completely crazy thought that is not true, which ruins your life... But the opposite statement is true! Which one do you think?
“To be happy, I need the disapproval of others” or “To be happy, I need not everyone to like me.”
Once again... You don't need the approval of others to be happy. On the contrary, you will benefit from being disapproved of. And it will be better for you if everyone doesn't like you... Why do you think? Give yourself a minute. Can you explain yourself why everything is this way?
You just felt that when you try to please everyone, you are much more unhappy than when you don't try to please everyone. Because you don’t need the approval of others to be happy. You are much happier when you are in touch with yourself. In order to be happy, you must like yourself. You must love yourself and accept yourself. Can you feel it?
And when you are in touch with yourself, don’t hide your shortcomings, don’t try to please everyone, openly express your position... Someone may not like you. It is impossible to please everyone while remaining yourself! It is impossible to gain the approval of all people without adapting like a chameleon!
And even if you manage to please all people... You will be unhappy, because for this you will have to betray yourself, give up sincerity and think a lot about what impression you will make.
And if you give up the idea of winning everyone's approval, not everyone will like you. Perhaps you will become inconvenient for someone. Sometimes you won't be approved. However... You will be happier.
So I will repeat it again. “To be happy, I need to be liked by everyone around me” is a blatant, absolute lie. This lie prevents you from being happy. But the truth is the opposite. “To be happy, not everyone around me needs to like me. I need to like myself"
Homework
To help you fully understand all of the above, I suggest this exercise. Repeat step three regularly. Visualize how you would live if you didn’t have the idea of earning someone’s approval. And slowly get used to this role. When interacting with people, ask yourself: “What if I didn’t think that other people’s approval would affect my happiness?” And gradually act like this, gradually try it on yourself. This task is not for one day. But it can seriously change the way you perceive other people.
And the most interesting thing... Without the desire to be liked, we can build real relationships. Only there will there be sincere close relationships. And this is so wonderful!
Dependence begins at birth, with physical lack of independence, and then turns into an inability to make decisions, the inability to free oneself from the strings of the “puppeteer” without experiencing mental torment and internal conflicts. It may seem easier to a person to live according to the script written for him, in an uncomfortable environment and regret what he has done, to be disappointed in the chosen path, but still not be able to achieve success.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW! Fortune teller Baba Nina:“There will always be plenty of money if you put it under your pillow...” Read more >>
Dependence on other people's opinions
Evaluation is the attitude of one person expressed in relation to another, vocally or non-verbally, in the form of approval, criticism, advice, swearing.
Before taking an action, a person worries about how others will treat him, fearing their criticism. In the absence of approval, with a negative assessment, his emotional state changes, discomfort is felt on a mental and physical level, muscles tense, the pace and depth of breathing changes, and the reactions of the pupils become different.
Only if the situation is under control does a person feel comfortable. People tend to maintain composure when confronted with someone else's assessment of their appearance, work performed, or demeanor. This reveals a peculiar dependence of the individual on public opinion; an intention appears to comply with the stated standards in order to receive exclusively positive assessments.
Dependence on the opinions of others is a state caused by the subordination of one’s own “I” in favor of the beliefs of others. The formation of this quality begins in early childhood, when parents evaluate the child, and he, instead of being himself, tries to please them.
Such dependence usually occurs in weak-willed people who are unable to make independent decisions. They are born with ready-made principles and “norms” of how to live. They make the mistake of trying to achieve success and at the same time meet society's expectations: their individuality is lost, they are fixated on what others think.
The impact of addiction on life:
- Loss of self: a person did not receive enough warmth in childhood, is not able to love himself, fight and defend his own opinion.
- To gain self-confidence, he needs approval from others. He tends to “beg” for it, so it is very important for him to attract attention.
- It is important to look “like everyone else”, to know that he is no worse than the rest. He has low self-esteem.
- The need for development disappears. Life comes down to admiration for authority.
- He doesn't know how to lead a discussion. Instead of removing the underlying fear, he prefers to agree with the opinions of others.
- A person cannot stop being afraid, as a result of which he does not know how to take responsibility. For the work team, such an employee is extremely undesirable; he will not advance in career growth.
- He is unable to contradict his family and create his own family.. He remains tied to the thoughts of his parents, is unable to exist independently, and throughout his life he cannot stop depending on the opinions of others.
In psychology, the state of dependence is characterized as dangerous, since it does not allow one to achieve higher goals due to internal oppression.
How to stop depending on other people's thoughts
The experience of others is useful for development, for example, in scientific activity: it is important not to repeat mistakes, to rely on the stages passed in order to move forward. Also, public opinion is the guardian of decency. But sharing experience does not at all mean following someone else’s standards. The advice should remain at the level of advice, not coercion.
It is important to understand that the decisions that other people make for a person will play a negative role in his future life. The opinions of relatives can also be biased. Advice and opinions should be taken into account, after which you should take time to think and make your decision.
It is impossible to influence the thoughts of others, so you just have to choose real goals for yourself and stop depending on other people’s opinions. If you can’t please everyone, then there’s no point in wasting energy on it.
How not to depend on other people's opinions:
- Practice self-reflection. The underlying principle is awareness; Having learned to understand one’s thoughts, a person sees their origin; awareness eliminates self-judgment.
- Learn to be alone. This will allow you to create harmony within yourself, eliminate the fear of loneliness and teach you independence.
- Learn to refuse. Personal interests are more important than the demands of manipulators.
- Remember your uniqueness. Every person is unique, even popular personalities cannot please everyone. You need to allow yourself to be yourself.
- Understand the fact that you can only foresee all opinions by being a telepath. Consequently, there is no talk of any responsibility for individual choice.
- Realize that following your own path will lead to success, and deviating from it will only lead to pleasing others. And the opinions of others are also fickle.
- Surround yourself with those who will support you in your dreams.
- Keep a personal diary where victories and awards for their achievement will be recorded.
Behavior model
There is a model of behavior in which a full sense of self is maintained. For this purpose, it is useful to plan or tune in to certain emotions, then you can easily track those that were not planned. Just like emotional ones, you need to track behavioral gestures, then it’s easy to identify destructive ones among them.
And then create a list of edifying statements for yourself:
- “Ratings vary in degree of importance.”
- “I am an independent person and I choose on my own how to react to what is happening.”
- “If I plan emotions, this is possible.”
- “If an unplanned emotion is displayed during my interactions with people, I eliminate it in order to maintain emotional comfort.”
- “Worrying about the evaluations of others creates obstacles for me, so they are meaningless.”
Preparing the correct reaction
The following preparatory steps should be noted:
- Distribute people's opinions into categories of importance: very important; importance is medium; low importance; indifference.
- Work through the emotion by expressing it verbally: “This is not about me”; “I don’t take other people’s negativity”; “What would the doctor say about this?” The manifested emotion is: interest; indifference or another reaction appropriate to the occasion: “I’ll think about it later”; "What time of day is it now?"; “I’m glad to take care of myself”; remain silent with an air of deep knowledge.
Training in presenting the planned emotion:
- 1. To do this, you should visualize the situation with your own reaction to it in accordance with certain categories of people. An emotion for the category of increased importance is to be felt mentally and physically.
- 2. For each type of situation - live the desired state at least three times. For particularly difficult cases - five or more times. This will help get rid of fear and uncertainty in reality.
Exercise: Attaching a Shortcut
For each person who activates characteristic behavior patterns, it is necessary to create a “label” that describes the essence of the “character”, but in a modified form that is convenient for perception by the consciousness. A playful, symbolic name will evoke the necessary emotions and associations with a person on every occasion. Therefore, it will be much easier to control your reactions.
In the future, when giving an assessment on the part of another person, you should consider everything said by him, passing through his own “label filter”. To do this, you need to fix words in your memory, when mentally voicing them, the intended situation will be played out. And to begin with, in order to learn not to pay attention to the assessment, you will need to spend time living it virtually.
Categories can be combined by identifying common features in several of them and assigning new labels. There are no limits to creativity; topics for creating labels can be: appearance, intelligence, lifestyle.
Exercise: “Watching a movie” and others
If a person wonders how to stop depending on other people’s opinions, his work on himself has already begun from that moment. Psychologists suggest doing the exercise “Watching a movie”, “Reading a book”. A person forms his own opinion about the moments he likes and learns to conduct discussions without changing his point of view, his self-confidence grows.
It is necessary to write down the goals to strive for and note the results step by step. Actions to move towards your plans and implement the plan will greatly affect self-esteem and will certainly increase your sense of confidence.
It is necessary to learn to refuse strangers and loved ones, to say “no”. If this is a friend’s usual proposal to go for a walk, then you just need to move it in time by a few minutes and so on.
The realization of freedom from other people’s opinions will not come soon, perhaps in a month or a year, before you can develop the right attitude towards it. Then a person will take the right position regarding the thoughts of others and get rid of internal conflict about this.
It seems that everyone you meet deliberately wants to hurt you - to push you, to look at you disapprovingly. You feel like you're being targeted. And you kind of understand that you can’t please everyone. But reproaches do not allow you to breathe easy. Are gentle and kind people really doomed to suffer? How can we put up a shield so that condemnation cannot break through and wound the heart? How not to depend on other people's opinions?
You can’t take a step without looking back. And people just try to inject. It is bitter and insulting to receive a negative assessment. And you kind of understand that you can’t please everyone. But reproaches do not allow you to breathe easy. Are gentle and kind people really doomed to suffer? How can we put up a shield so that condemnation cannot break through and wound the heart? ?
This article is not going to teach you not to care what others think. We will talk about what unconscious processes govern a person who is afraid of any comments addressed to him. Understanding the underlying causes of a problem is the most important step towards liberation from shackles. The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan will help you gain inner core and self-confidence, even if your opinion differs from the judgments of others.
How to stop depending on the opinions of others for the most fragile and vulnerable
It seems that everyone you meet deliberately wants to hurt you - to push you, to look at you disapprovingly. You feel like you're being targeted. Even a turtle has a protective shell, but a sensitive person has nothing to hide from negative influences from the outside.
This is how nature intended - some people do not have “claws”. They are very sensitive to the opinions of others about themselves. But they have their own special techniques to succeed in life and stop feeling constant danger from other people. To do this, you first need to understand your characteristics.
The desire to please, to be liked, to receive praise comes from childhood and is natural for a child with an anal vector. He is dependent on the opinion of the main person in his life - his mother. However, the mother does not always understand how important praise is for the child, and therefore she rarely praises. But without receiving evaluation from the mother for a job well done, without receiving approval from her, the child becomes unsure of himself. He experiences fear of doing something wrong, fear of making a mistake. In the presence of an emotional visual vector, all experiences receive a special emotional intensity.
“Mom will love you if you clean the room quickly.” “Of course, go for a walk! “I don’t mean anything to you if you can leave when mom has a fever.”. Small mother’s manipulations lead to big psychological problems for the child in the future, up to and including the “good boy/girl complex.” If you do not recognize the problem, the relationship of an adult person with society will be built according to the same infantile model.
A person who values quality in everything. And he makes the same demands on himself. He wants to be the best, do everything perfectly, have an impeccable reputation, family, and be known as a professional in his field. His natural desire is to be respected at home and at work. If he is not appreciated, his whole life seems to go wrong.
The owner naturally strives to touch the heartstrings of those around him; he wants to be the brightest and most impressive, loved by everyone. But if, according to a child’s algorithm, you want to be good for everyone as an adult, then difficulties arise. Such people treat any criticism very sensitively. For them, this is a manifestation of the dislike of others. And this is unbearable.
How can you not depend on the opinions of others and align your inner state?
The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan shows that every person has natural desires. By implementing them for the benefit of society, we gain a feeling of inner comfort and joy of life.
But often we don’t know our desires and rush around at random in search of the right path. To gain at least some support in life, owners of the anal vector ask others for advice. They have special respect for their elders and their life experience. Even when choosing new boots, they want an expert opinion: “What would you recommend?”.
But no one except ourselves can tell us what to do with our own lives. After all, each “helper” looks through the prism of his values and desires, and they may have nothing to do with your desires.
Thus, blindly following the advice of a mother with a skin vector will lead a person with the properties of an anal vector to a joyless dead end. A fast, resourceful, dexterous mother, wanting the best, but focusing only on her abilities, will advise you to become a lawyer, economist or entrepreneur. Whereas a person with an anal vector does not have any internal resources for these professions, and such work will only bring him stress and a feeling of worthlessness.
When we understand ourselves, we cease to be plasticine in the hands of others. We choose our path unerringly, relying on accurate knowledge of ourselves and the human psyche as a whole.
What to do with your opinion?
Owners of the anal-visual ligament vectors consider themselves soft and incapable of simply saying “no,” even if they don’t want to agree at all. With such an internal state, life proceeds under the slogan: “I will do as you say. Just don’t judge me!”.
This is due to two natural characteristics of such people:
owners of the anal vector are afraid of disgracing themselves,
Those with the visual are the most fearful of all; at the root of all their fears is the fear of death.
Unconscious fears rule us. You can change the situation by realizing your fear and realizing the potential of your innate properties.
When a person does not go against his nature, he can express himself as effectively as possible for society and himself. For example, a person with the anal vector, who has excellent memory, diligence and attentiveness, does not go to work as a sales manager, following advice, but becomes an analyst, teacher or artist following an inner call. If he studies, acquires skills and becomes an increasingly good specialist in a field that suits him by nature, he is not paralyzed by the fear of disgracing himself.
Those with the visual vector are born with the fear of death. They are not able to give a tough fight back. But they have their own means of achieving internal comfort - realizing themselves in culture. Yuri Burlan, at the “System-Vector Psychology” training, reveals that culture appeared thanks to people with a particularly sensitive soul.
Visual people, experiencing fear for their lives, managed to transform it into sympathy for others. They are the first who learned to feel compassion, rather than hostility, towards another person. They teach this to all of humanity to this day - through their creativity, medical and charitable assistance. When there is a big goal, all efforts are devoted to its implementation. The ability to help someone and the joy of self-realization leave no room for fear of those who do not understand either themselves or anyone else.
A clear idea of life, other people and oneself is formed at the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan. And then the question of how to stop no longer bothers you.
Those who completed the training talk about how they freed themselves from the fear of doing something wrong:
“I was no longer bothered by other people’s opinions and fears of “what people will think.” The habit of mentally justifying yourself to someone, explaining, painfully proving has disappeared. Such internal dialogues took me so many sleepless nights, they simply exhausted me.
“I gave myself permission to live, even if I made mistakes, the excellent student complex is slowly gluing my fins together! And I carried it on myself for as long as I can remember.
I am slowly freeing myself from the fear of what people will think or say about me. I went to learn competitive swimming (I dreamed of it for many years, but was afraid). Because Now I don’t focus on other people’s opinions, there is no tension, and everything works out the first time!
I took out brushes and paints that had been abandoned after art a hundred years ago and began to paint. Previously, there was always a fear that I wouldn’t do it beautifully, that I wouldn’t do it well, so I didn’t even sit down. And now I sit down and enjoy the process.”
Critics and brawlers
You can build joyful relationships with most people. But there are also those from whom you really need to be able to protect yourself.
It happens that the owners of the anal vector, created to pass on skills and abilities to younger generations, did not have adequate conditions for development and did not receive proper education. Such people continue to stubbornly stand on their limited idea of how it should be, without delving into the essence of the issue. Then the main thing for them is not to “clear the fly of ointment from the ointment,” but, on the contrary, to criticize, denigrate and devalue.
Arguing with such people is like butting heads with an oak tree. Understanding that for a person, criticism is the only way to temporarily relieve tension, you can not take his attacks seriously.
Another category of people dangerous to health are those with an oral vector who failed to develop and acquired. Such people can put others under extreme stress. Their scream is like an injection of adrenaline. Some people fall into a stupor from him, others flee. Having acquired the skill of systems thinking, you will be able to avoid unwanted contact by anticipating the danger in advance.
How to choose your path in life
Experience the taste of pleasure from fulfilling your desires. Without tinsel and your own old traumas. Awareness of your own characteristics and the principles of human-human interaction will allow you to consciously choose your path through life and enjoy every moment of it.
“Before, at the whim of the boss, of course, unreasonable, I fell into a stupor, the meaninglessness, unappreciation, undiscovered OWN HUGE potential was instantly covered with a copper basin, I waited for someone to knock on my copper basin and apologize, then I could leave. Surprises now happen when I create them for myself.
It’s not even a matter of total control over your every step, but of understanding, simple awareness of possible results, just a couple of steps forward.”
“My own thinking appeared, and codependency on people, on their opinions and moods disappeared. And even those whom I, in my opinion, were unworthy of, became very pale and pale, and a craving for completely different people and events appeared. I think it just increased my self-esteem, which was sorely lacking all these years.
Some childish naivety and immaturity has gone, and confidence has emerged that something can be changed for the better. Relationships with people in general have improved. My relationship with my mother has become better: she finally realized that I am a different person, unlike her. I think my behavior has changed and, as a result, her reaction to me has changed.”
Proofreader: Natalya Konovalova
The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»No matter how independent we are, the opinions of others are still important to us. This opinion can greatly influence our lives if we pay a lot of attention to it. Human nature is such that we want to be loved and respected. But is it worth constantly looking at everyone for this? The main thing to remember is that you shouldn’t worry about what others think and fill your head with thoughts about it. Nobody says that you need to give up on everything and do whatever you want. Listen to the opinions of people important to you, think about it, and only then decide what to do. After all, your family is not always right either. If you still cannot get rid of the oppression of public opinion and censure, then let's develop a mindset that will help you get rid of it.
People don't pay attention to you as often as you think
The people around you, for the most part, are passionate about their own affairs and concerns. They have their own life, which worries them much more than yours. If your interests and views intersect in some area, then this does not happen as often as you think. Just think, do you often pay attention to what those around you are wearing? Is their shirt dirty? Did a girl passing by have a puff on her tights? I'm willing to bet that you either don't think about it at all or spend no more than a couple of minutes on it. So those around you do the same.
It shouldn't worry you
What others think about you is their business. This should not concern you in any way. Even if you find out someone else's opinion about yourself, it still will not make you a different person and will not change your life, in most cases. The opinions of others can influence you only when you allow this opinion to become decisive in your life. But this shouldn’t happen. You can't control the opinions of others, so don't pay so much attention to them and focus on yourself.
You are unique like no other
Remember this once and for all. Don't adapt to those around you. As soon as you let this house of advice into your head, you cease to be yourself. Only there are a lot of people around you, and you are alone. You won't be nice to everyone. And, in pursuit of society, you will give birth to Frankenstein, which everyone likes at least a little.
Instead, just be yourself and remember that you are the only one in the whole world. You won't find exactly the same one. Cherish your uniqueness. Respect yourself. Then those around you will begin to respect you.
Why do you still listen to them?
Would your life change much if someone disagreed with you or said you were saying something wrong? Are you willing to change every time someone says you're doing it all wrong? I think no. The next time you become very sensitive to the opinions of others, just think about whether it will be just as important in a week. If a remark in your direction worries you for no more than an hour, then it’s all empty.
You are clearly not a telepath
If you don't have any superpowers and the magic ball doesn't show you anything, then you hardly know what people are thinking about. If you are an ordinary person, how do you know what is going on in the minds of those around you? The only problem is that you believe that all the thoughts of people around you are fixated only on you. Selfish and smacks of something unhealthy, don’t you think? You should not worry about the opinions of others until you have learned to read their thoughts.
Be honest with yourself and live in the present.
It's up to you how you feel every day. Do you want to experience constant fear and anxiety from the thought that society will not approve of your action? Stop thinking about it. Don't worry about whether someone has reprimanded you in the past or that people will think badly of you. Live here and now and don't look around. Breathe deeply and do not forget that only you are responsible for your thoughts and actions. This is the only way you can be happy. Only in this way will you understand that every person has their own opinion and only you can choose whether it will affect you or not.
Surround yourself with people who will accept you
It's just wonderful when you have friends who agree with you and will support you in any endeavor, even if your family is against it. Remember that to maintain physical and spiritual health, you must choose: either give up your dreams on the advice of others, or surround yourself with people who can inspire you to find your path.
People around you are also concerned about public opinion
You are not paranoid and you are not the only one. People around you also care what people think of them. So the next time someone criticizes you, put yourself in their shoes. Perhaps you did something that this person has long dreamed of and did not dare to do. And now they just want to bring you back to earth. Remember this, and then it will become easier for you to endure criticism and understand the motives of the actions of others.
Just be yourself. Be honest with yourself and admit that you are surrounded by people just like you. They also have problems, they also worry about criticism, they are not perfect either. There are no perfect people who never make mistakes. It’s just that someone, once he stumbles, stops for the rest of his life, and someone, having stepped over his mistake, follows his dream. Let public opinion not become a stopper in your development, and you will still show this world where crayfish spend the winter.
Are you dependent on the opinions of others?
Before doing anything, people often ask the question: “What will friends, relatives, co-workers, passers-by think about me?” Every person has had situations when he completely succumbed to the influence of others and reacted painfully to the opinions of others.
For example, you dreamed of becoming a programmer, but your parents insisted on entering medical school because your grandmother was a doctor. You were engaged in ballroom dancing, and a friend called this hobby unfashionable and suggested going to the gym with her. You wanted to watch a new film with your favorite actor, but your work colleagues said that the movie was disgusting and not worth wasting your time on.
So many, to the detriment of their desires and interests, become completely dependent on the opinions of others. Such people can no longer take an independent step and are constantly waiting for someone else’s approval or praise. However, they do not realize that such dependence greatly harms their personal development and prevents them from building their own lives.
CAUSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF DEPENDENCE ON OTHER OPINIONS
In childhood, parents decide absolutely everything for the child. Without taking into account the baby's opinion, they choose food, clothes, toys. Despite the fact that even a baby has his own preferences. For example, some children like fruit puree, while others prefer vegetable puree. Parents often criticize their child’s friends and, pointing out their shortcomings, demand that they stop communicating.
They can also force their son or daughter to become friends with certain children: “Mashenka from the second entrance is a good student and dances. You need to meet her." Under the influence of such pressure, the child becomes secretive. He doesn't tell anyone about his experiences because he is afraid of hearing criticism and disapproval. But in adolescence, he openly conflicts with his parents, trying to defend his own opinion. Of course, adults can be understood, because they wish only the best for the child.
However, pursuing good intentions, many parents impose their personal opinion on their children as the only correct one. First, they buy things to suit their taste, then they find the “right” friends, choose a prestigious university and, in their opinion, a suitable life partner. At the same time, parents do not think that a person who is dependent on others for everything is a potential loser.
After all, friends once imposed may turn out to be dishonest people. A specialty obtained at a prestigious university does not arouse interest. The person has no desire to work in his profession. And the excellent student Mashenka, the one that her parents liked, turned out to be a caring wife, but absolutely not the woman with whom she would like to live her whole life.
Such a person is unhappy and not satisfied with the current situation. At the same time, he cannot change anything, because he depends on the opinions of others and does not know how to live with his own mind. In addition to parents, friends are also able to impose their hobbies and behavior. They advise buying things in certain stores, purchasing the same car and choosing resorts where they themselves once vacationed. Colleagues at work may begin to evaluate professional qualities and even make comments about appearance.
How does this type of addiction affect a person’s life:
- Loss of self. One gets the impression that others are putting pressure on and suppressing the individual’s personal opinion. Under such influence, one loses the ability to independently build one’s life and make decisions on one issue or another.
- Need for external assessment. Such people need comments and approval of their actions. Different reactions are regarded as guidance on the right path. A person who has such an addiction is influenced by absolutely everyone around him.
- The unquestioned opinion of parents. A child, for whom even in childhood his parents always made decisions, already in adulthood often depends on their opinion. Such people remain attached to the assessment from their relatives and are unable to contradict them, although they have the opposite view. Such attachment may result in the inability to exist independently.
- Inability to defend your position. If in childhood the child was constantly subjected to pressure from peers or elders, as an adult he will not be able to lead a discussion. He will no longer have the desire to prove his point of view. It will be easier for him to agree and relegate his opinion to the background.
- The desire to be like everyone else. A person with a similar position is afraid to stand out from the crowd and tries to live according to the principles of the herd. It is always important for such people to know that they are not worse than others, but like everyone else.
- Avoidance of responsibility. Individuals who have these qualities are capable of deception; they cannot be relied upon, because they avoid responsibility in every possible way. A person who avoids solving serious issues is not welcome in the work team.
With the advent of the Internet dependence on other people's opinions is clearly demonstrated on social networks. People post photos of various topics on their pages: weddings, babies, travel, gym, food, shopping, pets. All this so that others can see what a rich life a person has.
It gets to the point of absurdity when photos of breakfasts, lunches and dinners are posted on social networks. Photos can be accompanied by comments: “My morning yummy” or “Delicious shrimp for dinner.” People expect approval, reciprocal comments and, of course, likes from others.
They constantly visit the page to check who else has liked their post and rejoice like children after reading positive comments from friends. Such people are haunted by the thought: “What will my friends say if I post a photo of my new car?” or “Let everyone see our wedding.” A person wants to assert himself, show his importance, and misses the moment when he becomes painfully dependent on other people’s opinions.
Reasons for dependence on outside opinions:
- Weak character. People with this trait are easily influenced from outside.
- A man driven by his essence. Such individuals avoid responsibility and are unable to make decisions on their own.
- Bad experience. Appears in childhood, when parents suppressed the child’s initiative to do something on his own. With age, the need to manage your life disappears, and this feature is transferred to the shoulders of friends or relatives.
- Low self-esteem. This quality does not make it possible to defend one’s interests, but, on the contrary, forces a person to withdraw so as not to provoke outside condemnation.
- Lack of love in childhood. In adult life, an individual longs to attract attention to himself, begging approval or condemnation from strangers. These actions help him feel that he is not an empty place.
- Created stereotypes. If a child is praised for all his actions (eating, waking up, going to the toilet, etc.), he lives in fear of doing something wrong and therefore is always guided by other people’s advice.
People are born into a world with established principles and moral standards. The whole future life is about conforming to society. But some people believe that someone else’s opinion will set them on the right path and help them not get out of line. This kind of dependence can ultimately lead to loss of individuality and the inability to make decisions independently.
Thus, a person subject to the influence of others changes his behavior in order to please others. Such changes contradict internal beliefs. However, a person is much more worried about what colleagues will say, what friends will think and how parents will react.
HOW TO GET RID OF ADDICTION?
Simple enough. You need to understand yourself, understand the individual reasons for such painful dependence on other people’s opinions.
And a simple exercise will help with this, specially invented in order to separate what you really need from what was imposed on you, and you meekly carry around - like someone else’s baggage.
This exercise is simple, but, like everything simple, it is brilliant. Try it and you will be surprised at the results. To perform this exercise, teamwork in group psychotraining is not required; it is performed alone.
All you need is a blank sheet of paper, a pen and an hour of free time. So…
Divide the sheet with two vertical lines into three columns, and then divide this sheet with horizontal lines into lines - as many lines as you like.
The first (left) column will be called " I am Real". Second (middle) column - « I'm Ideal" . The third (right) column will be called " What for? »
Real and ideal self
After thinking, make a numbered list of those qualities and characteristics of yours that you consider to be shortcomings. For example: “I have 6 extra pounds” or “I’m afraid to speak in front of people,” etc.
Once you've made your list in the left column, take each statement and restate it as if you were continuing the following phrase: “And ideally I...” and then you will get something like this: Ideally, I weigh 70 kg! Or: Ideally, I would be happy to speak in front of a full hall and inspire people to perform great deeds!
Look at what happened. You see, the results of this exercise reveal your goals and desires. Realistic goals or unrealistic ones? Yours or not yours? In order to accurately answer these questions, you need to fill out the third column “Why?”
What for?
Why do you need to lose weight? Why be able to speak in front of people (if, for example, you are an accountant)? How does this or that quality, skill, or shortcoming hinder you in life? And do they interfere? You can put question marks if it suddenly becomes clear that you can live well with this “shortcoming”.
Column “Why?” must be filled out thoughtfully and honestly. Those places where your hand itself puts down eloquently perplexed question marks are unrealistic and unnecessary goals for you. Most likely they are simply not yours. It happens that you can’t put anything on a line except a series of questions...
Remember your childhood. A tired and capricious child reaches for the 25th typewriter in a store. “I want it!” the child shouts.
"For what?" - a calm adult asks him stoically, “Why do you need this toy?”
So you think, do you need this toy or maybe you can be absolutely happy without it?
If you want to become an independent person, then listen to yourself more often. You need to go your own way, and not copy the lives of friends and relatives. Let your children make choices so they are not dependent on other people's opinions.