Loneliness is a feeling that has haunted me for many years. How to get rid of the feeling of loneliness, how to be needed by someone, to matter... I won’t go into the origins of this feeling, but I will say that not everything was smooth in the family where I was born.
And this desire to be needed haunted me for many years. I got married and gave birth to three children. BUT.. she remained lonely. Due to the fact that I tried to give myself completely to my loved ones, I began to forget about my own needs, desires, and dreams. I gave up my career. Beautiful dresses. A trip to the sea. She subordinated everything to pragmatic ideas: not to spend too much, not to want too much. First buy a house. Then repair it and build more. No wishes for yourself, your beloved. Only pragmatic goals. Earn more. To spend less.
What did I get? I got the exact opposite result: my husband moved away, as did I from him. Everyone had their own social circle... and we became strangers. This is the feeling of loneliness! Children are growing up, demanding attention, and I seem to be trapped: no time for myself, no desire to change anything. This is really sad!!!
I’ll say an important thing now: girls, you will be lonely as long as you strive to please someone. While they are ready to do anything to keep their loved ones. While you sacrifice important things for more important goals. No joy. No happiness. Emptiness arises.
Now imagine how difficult it is now to get out of such a routine! When you have a lot of responsibilities, many years of marriage behind you and a boring, monotonous relationship with your husband!
Need to light up. Love yourself. Forget about what you MUST and remember what you WANT. Do you want to be a woman? Beautiful, captivating, desirable. You want to drive me crazy, be interesting, successful. You want love, admiration, affection. BUT.
This will not happen until you love yourself. Learn to see the sparkle in your eyes again. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Wish yourself happiness. Buy yourself new clothes, get yourself in order. And just be yourself.
I suppressed my desires for so long that I simply forgot how to desire! You cannot enslave your Self. One day you will feel terrible loneliness. Watch your favorite movies, read interesting books, develop yourself every day. Strive, burn, achieve greater and greater results. And know that you don’t owe anything to anyone. Only then will your relationship with someone become complete and you won’t have any thoughts on how to get rid of loneliness. Because it won't exist! As long as you are happy with yourself and your achievements, you are in harmony with yourself and do not need to constantly be with someone.
And then another law comes into play: you attract other people, light them up, give them joy and they want to be around. It works!
To not be lonely, start loving yourself and do it with pleasure, confirming every day with your attitude towards yourself: you are the highest value for yourself! Then only you will be able to burn and delight others with your warmth. Be self-sufficient and you won't be alone.
Do you return home every day, where no one is waiting for you, and have almost lost hope of organizing your personal life? Or maybe you have a family, a husband and children, but even with them, you are left alone with your problems? It's time to understand yourself, think about how to get rid of loneliness and change your life for the better.
When a loved one is not there, sooner or later you begin to feel empty. Emptiness in the soul. Some people begin to feel apathy and depression, others throw themselves into work, being home only at night, others plunge into the world of television or the Internet. But everyone’s condition is the same – it’s mental discomfort.
Some will say that they like being single and will give a lot of arguments in favor of this state. For example, no responsibility and complete freedom. Or maybe self-sufficiency and lack of time for personal life. In fact, hiding behind these excuses, a person allows himself to be lonely.
Why are people lonely?
The cause of this condition is most often simple fear. Perhaps there have already been failed relationships in the past, and the person is afraid to start all over again so that it doesn’t hurt. Or is it an inferiority complex, which is based on the same fear. An insecure person is afraid of not living up to the hopes of his future chosen one. Or he even gives up helplessly: no one gets to know me. At the same time, he usually does not think about the fact that he himself does nothing to interest someone.
Statistics show that there are much more lonely people in megacities. Big cities divide people rather than unite them. This is because large cities have a small percentage of indigenous people. The bulk are migrants from other cities or even countries who were brought up in the spirit of their local traditions, where they have their own norms of behavior, words, and gestures. Once in a metropolis, such people usually experience difficulties in communication.
to contentsVideo about the classification of feelings of loneliness
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How to get rid of loneliness in life
to contentsLet's look the problem in the eye
First, you need to recognize the problem. Having removed all excuses, tell yourself: yes, I am lonely. And set a goal to get rid of this condition. You need to analyze your behavior, think about what you are doing wrong. Perhaps you should reconsider your communication style, maybe you should change your wardrobe or give up some habits.
to contentsWhat kind of loneliness are we going to get rid of?!
To get rid of the feeling of loneliness, the first step is to figure out and determine what kind of impressions and information are missing to fill this particular deficiency, because everyone’s needs are different and people are lonely in different ways. Is it possible to compare a person who is left alone in the world, without relatives and friends, with a “lonely” housewife living with her husband, children, dog, cat, hamster and her husband’s parents in addition? Of course not. Therefore, it is stupid and completely useless to advise a lonely person to go to a club or get a new girlfriend or friend if he needs something completely different. Moving in the wrong direction, an attempt to get rid of the feeling of loneliness turns into an escape from loneliness, which can further intensify unpleasant feelings and even lead to disastrous consequences: promiscuity that never fills the void, deep depression, apathy, alcoholism and even suicide.
Trying to get rid of the oppressive feeling of loneliness, many begin to act according to a given pattern - they hang out in noisy companies, change boyfriends and girlfriends like gloves, cheat on their spouses, but bad luck - the feeling of loneliness remains. And all because we are feeding the wrong animal. So, if you don’t have enough tactile sensations, it’s enough to sign up for dancing, massage courses or wrestling; visual – we visit exhibitions, shows, theaters; we need to give someone love and care - let’s get a dog or a cat. It is important that the “psychological hunger” is satisfied before entering into a new serious relationship, otherwise new communication will be subordinated to the same hunger.
to contentsIncrease self-esteem and change your view of the world
How can you get rid of loneliness if you yourself consider yourself unworthy of friendship, respect and love. Such negative attitudes will not work, because often we ourselves subconsciously fence ourselves off from people, close invisible doors, without saying a word, and drive everyone away. The reason for loneliness is not in the world around us, but in ourselves. How often it seems to us that the whole world is against us, but in reality it is us against the world. Love yourself and the world will love you! Open the doors, take a step and climb out of the shell into which you have driven yourself.
Whether we like it or not, we always find what we are looking for, consciously or unconsciously. It seems like we wish with all our hearts and souls not to be lonely, but at the same time we send the message that we are not worthy of something more.
An interesting parable was cited in one of his books by the famous doctor and writer Deepak Chopra:
One day, in a village where an old gray-haired Sufi sage lived, a traveler appeared and went straight to the sage.
“I really don’t know whether I should go through your village,” he said to the old man. – Tell me, what kind of people live here, what can we expect from them?
- And where you came from to our region, what kind of people lived? – the Sufi asked.
“Only liars, swindlers, and highway robbers,” the traveler complained.
“It’s the same with us,” the elder answered, shrugging his shoulders.
There was no trace of the traveler. Less than an hour later, another wanderer wandered into the village. He also found a wise Sufi and turned to him for advice:
“I don’t know these places well and don’t dare go through the village.” Could you tell me what kind of people live here?
—What are the people like in your native land? - asked the sage.
“Oh, my fellow countrymen are the most hospitable, the most humble, the kindest, the gentlest and most compassionate people on earth. I miss them so much!
“The people here are the same,” the elder answered without hesitation.
This is how, by looking into the mirror of our relationships with people and the world, we really get to know ourselves.
to contentsReconsidering existing relationships
It happens extremely rarely that a person is completely alone, because there are relatives, colleagues, classmates, friends and comrades, and perhaps even a loved one. Where does loneliness come from in this case? Most often from our own selfishness and unwillingness to accept people as they are. Perhaps we don’t get what we want from them because we ourselves don’t give them something important and necessary. If you want to receive, learn to give! If you want attention, be careful! If you want love, love! Loneliness is when, talking to a person, you understand that he does not hear you, that he himself is trying to tell you something, but you do not hear him either. Hear to be heard!
to contentsSecrets of transformation
As you know, water does not flow under a lying stone. There is absolutely no sense in self-criticism. It is better to do something and fail than to do nothing at all. Change yourself, and the world around you will change too. The transformation must be both external and internal. First, we go to the hairdresser, beauty salon, change our wardrobe. They still meet you by their clothes, and only then look into the depths of their souls. Well, while we were running back and forth, thoughts of loneliness disappeared somewhere, and my mood noticeably improved. Next comes more serious and painstaking work - learning to be an interesting, positive and pleasant person to communicate with. Psychological trainings and courses on personal growth and development will help with this, where new acquaintances, knowledge, impressions and emotions also await you.
to contentsLet's go out in public
If there really aren’t enough people and you need to expand your social circle, let’s go to the people! Not to the notorious cafes and clubs, but to theaters, museums, presentations, and just to a city park for a walk. There will certainly be people for the company. These could be friends or co-workers, neighbors or virtual acquaintances.
How often in response to an invitation to a party, wedding or somewhere else you can hear: “I have no one to go with. What will I do there alone? Is it better to sit at home alone, or what? Go! Be sure to go, and then you’ll see, maybe someone interesting will show up.
You can go to a resort or sanatorium. You shouldn’t ask an equally lonely friend to accompany you. It's better to go alone. It's easier to get to know each other this way. When meeting someone, don’t be afraid to show your interest in communication. The main thing is not to confuse it with obsession. How to stop being lonely in a foreign city? Throw away your complexes, shyness and bashfulness and spend your evenings in public places.
In order for new people to appear around you, it makes sense to enroll in some courses - driving, foreign language, personal growth or ballroom dancing. It is preferable to choose courses that really interest you and where you will have the opportunity to communicate with the opposite sex. In this case, the likelihood of finding a like-minded person increases, and free time is filled with pleasant and educational pastime.
to contentsPath to God
For many, especially those who feel unnecessary and lonely, having everything they can dream of, the only way to solve the dilemma is faith in God, who fills the life of every person with meaning, to whom you can entrust all your joys and troubles, who will always listen and understand . When the fire of faith and love burns in the heart, even being absolutely alone, a person will not be lonely. After reading the last paragraph, many will grin cynically, but often this path is the answer to all questions.
To change your life for the better, you just need to want it.
The feeling of loneliness is a condition familiar to almost every person. In everyone’s life there are periods of temporary voluntary or forced refusal to communicate, and if for some such “withdrawals” are associated with the need to “take a break” from social activity, then for others loneliness becomes a constant and depressing companion of life. How does it happen that, previously sociable and open to others, a person suddenly closes himself within four walls, depriving himself of the joy of communicating with people close to him and giving up the usual pleasures of life?
Causes of loneliness: external and internal factors.
Oddly enough, many people not only do not suffer from loneliness, but also consider it a natural and comfortable way of life. As a rule, these are representatives of creative professions, whose work requires maximum concentration and at the same time gives a person pleasure. They say about such people: “He devoted himself entirely to his favorite work.” Creative individuals fully realize themselves in their hobby, without experiencing a feeling of deprivation in communication, so being can rather be called conscious solitude.
True loneliness means a complete limitation of a person’s contact with the outside world due to the presence of a deep internal conflict or traumatic experience of human communication. Here are the most common reasons that prompt a person to close himself off from the world and others.
Mother Teresa wrote the following words: “To be unwanted, unloved, unwanted, forgotten by everyone means to be much hungrier and poorer than a person who does not have food.” It doesn’t matter where you feel out of place (at a party, at a meeting, or at school), it’s difficult to come to terms with the feeling of rejection. Everyone finds it difficult to bear the feeling of being useless. Scientists have found that feelings of social rejection affect the same area of the brain as physical pain. Being extra is not easy, but there are ways to cope with this feeling. You should learn to deal with this feeling, develop relationships with people and learn more about social rejection.
Steps
How to deal with feelings
- Self-acceptance is possible if you are not afraid to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses and accept all that you have, without trying to immediately change yourself.
- Tell yourself this: “I accept myself. I turned out to be unnecessary, but that’s normal. I’m ready to come to terms with what happened. I can get through it.”
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Think about the positives of the current situation. If you think about the positive aspects of the situation, it will be easier for you to cope with rejection. Perhaps you have skills that have allowed you to realize that you are considered the odd one out. People who can read between the lines quickly realize that they are not needed. Thanks to this, such people are able to recognize fake smiles and feigned joy. In addition, there is an opinion that rejected people become more creative due to the feeling of being different from others.
- Analyze all aspects of the situation and make a list of positives. Perhaps loneliness causes you to spend more time alone, which allows you to understand which people are worth continuing to communicate with and which you cannot trust.
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Stop thinking bad about yourself. Feelings of worthlessness often give rise to negative thoughts like “no one loves me” or “I’m not good enough.” Such thoughts lead to harmful emotions such as shame and humiliation. To get rid of negative thoughts, learn to look at yourself more realistically and think positive thoughts.
- Analyze what thoughts are coming to you and change them to positive ones. For example, if you feel like no one likes you, tell yourself something more realistic: “Some people like me, but this person didn’t like me. That’s normal, I don’t.” "I have to please everyone. I still remain a good and important person."
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Develop your defense mechanisms. People who are able to defend themselves are better able to handle rejection. Their levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) are lower even in difficult situations.
Pay attention to what you are thinking. If you have self-doubt or low self-esteem (you constantly think negatively about yourself), start controlling what you pay attention to.
- Stop thinking about being rejected and start thinking about school, work, or other things.
- Do something to distract yourself from unpleasant thoughts. You can play sports or go shopping.
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- Try to think about the strong relationships you have and let go of people who ignore you or treat you poorly.
Working on Positive Relationships
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Analyze your behavior. Perhaps some of your actions contributed to this situation? For example, scientists have found that children who are rejected by their peers have a more difficult time communicating with other children (for example, starting a conversation), fighting back in response to provocations (in cases where someone does something to anger the child - for example, throws paper rolled into a ball at him) and cope with failures.
Don't expect rejection from others. If you constantly think that you will be the odd one out, you will behave in ways that make people not want to communicate with you (for example, you will refuse to communicate yourself or act nervously). This phenomenon is called self-prediction.
- You shouldn’t tell yourself this: “They won’t invite me, I know that for sure.” It’s better to formulate the thought differently: “I don’t know how they will behave, but I’ll be happy with any option.”
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Think about yourself. If you learn to think about yourself, accept and love yourself, it will be easier for those around you to do the same. If you are confident, it shows in your behavior.
Communicate with nice people more often. Meet new people and develop relationships with supportive friends. People who ignore you are not worthy of being with you, and they will most likely treat you badly in the future.
- Tell someone you trust how you feel. It's completely normal to talk about emotions in a calm and safe environment. A close friend or family member may be able to stand up for you if someone treats you unfairly. It is important to have allies who care about your well-being.
- Surround yourself with people in whom you are confident and who will not abandon you.
- Get close to people who do not bully or bully others, as they are unlikely to behave differently towards you.
- It can be useful to talk to people who find themselves in the same situation as you. This will help you get closer.
- If you continue to have problems with your peers, talk to your school counselor or administrator. Ask how you can resolve the conflict.
Reasons for social rejection
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Identify possible reasons for society's rejection of you. Understanding the reasons will allow you to set goals for yourself and begin to combat unwanted thoughts and feelings. Analyze possible reasons for feeling useless.
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Think about the feeling of rejection. There are two types of social rejection. In the first case, rejection is hidden. For example, a friend doesn't invite you to a party. In the second case, rejection is expressed openly, that is, the same friend himself tells you that you are not invited.
- Think about the reason for your feelings. For example, you may be worried that your friends went somewhere together and didn’t invite you. Look at the situation differently. Maybe your friend wanted to invite you but forgot? Find out the whole truth before jumping to conclusions.
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Be aware of the negative consequences of feeling unwanted. If you know how feeling worthless affects your physical and mental well-being, it will be easier for you to change for the better. People who are rejected by others, refusing to work or communicate with them, have significantly increased levels of cortisol in the blood, which indicates severe stress. In addition, such a person becomes prone to inflammatory processes. Stress caused by communication problems can provoke inflammation. Feelings of worthlessness also cause depression and aggressive behavior towards others. People who feel excluded also spend more money than they should.
- Think about what happens to you when you feel abandoned. Are you upset? Are you worried? Are you behaving aggressively?
- If you and your friends aren't invited to the party, find something else to do. If everyone is talking about the party, you can talk about what you did.
- Don't let others get you down. If these people's greatest weapon is rejection of you, it means they have very little power.
- If you feel abandoned, tell your friends about it. If this doesn't change anything, find another company.
- On the day of the party, try to occupy your thoughts with something else. Visit friends or family or host your own party!
- If someone doesn't want to invite you, don't waste your time on that person. Find something else to do so you don't have to think about anything.
Warnings
- A minus for a minus does not give a plus. Don't reject someone if you suddenly become popular. You know what it is!
Sources
- www.mrsmaude.com/uploads/3/8/4/3/38438551/social_acceptance_and_rejection.docx
- http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/mothertere158109.html#sC6hfYZooluHhSDt.99
- http://www.pnas.org/content/108/15/6270.long
- http://intl-scan.oxfordjournals.org/content/7/3/322.full
- http://intl-scan.oxfordjournals.org/content/7/3/322.full
- http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Michael_Bernstein5/publication/222561606_A_preference_for_genuine_smiles_following_social_exclusion/links/0f317534fd5be1da54000000.pdf
- http://digitalcommons.ilr.cornell.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1622&context=articles
- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2926175/
- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2926175/
- http://blackhartlab.etsu.edu/Dr._Ginni_Blackhart_files/Blackhart,%20Eckel,%20%26%20Tice%202007.pdf
- http://blackhartlab.etsu.edu/Dr._Ginni_Blackhart_files/Blackhart,%20Eckel,%20%26%20Tice%202007.pdf
Accept yourself and the current situation. People with low self-esteem react extremely painfully to refusal of communication. If you learn to accept yourself as you are, you can increase your self-esteem and reduce the influence of emotions.