What to do if people are rude at work. Don't discuss rude behavior with others

Hello, my dear readers and blog guests! Since childhood, we have been instilled with politeness and good manners towards other people. Having matured, every person knows how to behave in society among friends, with elders and at work. True, not everyone can calmly react to rudeness in their direction. And if you can answer your best friend with a couple of rude phrases, knowing that he will understand his mistake and will definitely apologize, then at work things are completely different. Rudeness is generally not applicable to a person, since it is an expression of one’s own bad manners, a desire to show one’s rightness and privilege over others. Typically, such rude behavior can ruin the mood for the whole day. How to react to rudeness at work and what to do?

Reasons for expressing boorish behavior at work

If the person sitting next to you is trying with all his might to hurt and insult you, he is an ill-mannered boor. Often such people can rarely answer for their words, believing that they are absolutely right in everything. Rudeness cannot be punished; there is no such article that would come back to haunt everyone who uses rudeness in the work process. This is why attacks occur on a person who cannot defend himself and react correctly. To know what to do in specific situations, you first need to understand the main reasons for boorish behavior at work.

People who were deprived of love in childhood. Those who from a very early age did not feel care and affection may well behave rudely with others. In this case, the person will always try his best to be noticed. As a rule, there is attention deficit and moral childhood trauma. Most likely, such people were not praised, they were only belittled and they were rarely given gifts. That is why after a while a person cannot do anything other than be rude to others.
People who constantly strive to assert themselves. This method of rudeness occurs when a person cannot calmly and adequately answer the question asked. As a rule, this includes humiliation, rude words, and raising the voice. This is the most common self-affirmation. This method is often used from management to employees. Since power plays a significant role here, a person cannot raise his voice against his own boss, and the only reaction to rudeness from him is the fear of losing a good position.
People who are disappointed with everything and very tired. We are all human, and each of us may well be rude to another. It’s good if a person understands that he was rude and immediately apologizes. But what if not? This is where bad manners come into play. Everyone has a different culture of behavior, hence the conclusion - whether a person can be called a boor or not. Usually, a rude person is immediately visible; he does not apologize, but goes into conflict to the last. Often, the boor does not even understand that he is stirring up a real scandal and insulting his colleagues. But the most important reason for this behavior is moral and physical fatigue from work. Such a person urgently needs to take a break, take a vacation, fly to a hot country and gain strength. Most of my work colleagues fall into this category of boors.

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The work process is very complex, and now it’s not uncommon to hear rudeness addressed to you. Often, inappropriate behavior comes from superiors, because this person (or group of people) believes that they have some power over employees. Logically, rudeness for a boss is a tool for controlling people and influencing them. In fact, this is the wrong idea. Many try not to pay attention to words addressed to them from a rude boss, becoming real “victims” on whom they take it out even more. But what if you no longer have the strength to remain silent?

Rudeness from management. The first strong way is to ignore. Any rude word should fly past your ears, but this is only in cases where the position held is very good and highly paid. If there is no desire to work for the company, then ignoring them becomes a failed response to boorish behavior. Then, the second point should be included - this is wit. Those people who are wise beyond their years will always be perceived differently. You only have to give a clear rebuff once in a witty and respectful manner, and the boss will understand that you should not be treated the same way as before, but that it is best to be “friends.” And the third way to respond to rudeness is to talk. Even the most ordinary face-to-face dialogue defuses the situation and clarifies the situation. Perhaps they simply don’t like you, or maybe the boss himself is jealous of your ability to cope with your job.
Rudeness from colleagues. It is much easier for an ordinary employee to answer in the same form, i.e. to rudeness the same. Why not? The positions and salaries are the same, which means the matter is completely different. Someone doesn't like someone, someone does something much faster and better. Behind the rudeness there must be rudeness, if it comes to that. The main thing is that this does not affect the boss, but remains exclusively between the employees. Also, there is another way to respond to boorish behavior - just smile and make a joke. The rude person in this case will certainly understand that dealing with you is a dangerous activity. With an excellent sense of humor you can give a good rebuff to your offender.

Things you shouldn't do at work

These reactions should never be shown, because for a boor they will be the best way to proceed.

Justification. Under no circumstances should you admit your guilt to the person who is bullying you. This is real humiliation, even if you want to prove something. Excuses will be a great way for bosses or colleagues to mock the employee even more. Don’t let yourself belittled because of your own mistake; an excuse is not a way out of the situation in your favor.
Conflict. Even if rudeness can be responded to in kind, entering into conflict is strictly prohibited. Firstly, this is a job where there is no place for scandal. Secondly, for the bosses, such a turn of events will become an expected and joyful moment, because, perhaps, the entire focus of boorish behavior was to ensure the employee’s survival from his position.
Silence. This point should not be confused with ignoring. If in response to rudeness you do not even look at the person, then this action is considered as silence. Be sure to answer the boor, don’t let yourself be offended. A couple of cold phrases addressed to the “hero of the day” is the best rebuff and defense.
Interruption. Often, we ourselves do not notice how we begin to interrupt the speech of a colleague or boss. You can’t do this either, because it looks very ill-mannered. Even if a person is rude to you, let him speak out completely, and only then start speaking yourself.

You shouldn’t take all the words spoken too seriously, because these are just remarks that mean nothing. Negative emotions always spoil the mood, and rudeness will certainly not go unnoticed. It's time to start responding appropriately to this type of behavior. Psychologists recommend coming to work in a good mood and not noticing the negativity around you. Therefore, try to control your own thoughts and communicate with everyone respectfully. Let people know that there is no point in being rude.

Now you know how to respond to rudeness at work. I hope you found the article useful and interesting. See you again!

Every parent invests maximum useful qualities in raising their children. The younger generation is taught to be polite, friendly, and treat elders with respect. Later, when a person moves into adulthood, he already develops certain thinking and habits. But, unfortunately, not everyone has positive qualities, as they say, by nature.

Why are people rude

Lack of love is the most important factor. When a person does not receive enough attention, care, and love from his parents in childhood, he grows up alienated and angry. This behavior manifests itself in the desire to stand out, the individual is trying to be noticed. Lack of attention encourages a person to engage in verbal altercations at every opportunity, to be rude, and to treat people older than himself with disrespect. All this comes from childhood. With improper upbringing and lack of love, the child becomes very capricious so that the parents finally give him a portion of their “precious” time. This behavior carries over into adulthood. Consciousness automatically remembers the method of manipulation as the only option for attracting attention.
Self-affirmation is another criterion that defines a rude person. This scenario is observed only in those cases when an individual is rude to his opponent, who for some reason is inferior to him (in strength, material well-being, etc.). That is, it turns out that the strong offend the weak and due to this they gain strength. Most often, people in positions of power or those who have average weight in a certain social circle behave this way.
The inability to argue one’s position is the third aspect that influences a person’s behavior in society. Often, when a verbal skirmish or discussion begins, someone who simply has nothing more to say resorts to rudeness. Modern society calls this behavior “getting personal.” A person tries to offend his interlocutor by pointing out shortcomings in the latter’s appearance, his material security, and his family plan. When an individual has no arguments, he turns to outright rudeness.
Fatigue is a banal factor that determines a person’s interpersonal behavior and his attitude towards others. Frequent exposure to stress, constant lack of sleep, poor relationships with relatives and many other aspects can involuntarily provoke an individual to be rude at the most inopportune moment. Every modern person faces this, even those with the endurance of a “boa constrictor” and a stable psyche.

Save your time. If you find yourself in a situation in which another traffic participant begins to be rude, do not waste your time and health on him. Drivers who cannot pass each other on a narrow roadway and stand hood to hood resemble two sheep. In such a situation, act wisely, let the fool pass, because he is “on fire.” Reassure yourself that you drive perfectly in reverse, and he is incapable of anything except moving in a straight line. At the same time, smile at the boor, providing yourself with peace of mind for the whole day.
Take a break from the road. If your line of work requires you to frequently travel around the city by car, take time to rest. You don't have to stop on the side of the road in the city and sleep. Enough to take a break and do a warm-up for the whole body and eyes. Psychologists give such recommendations because often the driver himself provokes rudeness from other road users. If you start to “slow down” on the road, others will honk and wave their hands. Warm-up and rest should be resorted to when all drivers around are perceived as impatient racers.
Learn to behave in uncontrollable situations. Some drivers, especially young ones, lack tact and restraint on public roads. If you were unable to avoid a confrontation with a boor, do not try to talk to him in normal language. First, close the doors and windows of the car, point the DVR at the offender. This way you will record unlawful actions on the part of another person. There is no need to engage in small talk and try to prove something to the impudent person. Often such rants end in a fight. Try to leave the scene or call the police using the other driver's license plate number.
Be careful while driving. Let's give an example to make it easier to understand what we are talking about. You are the first at a traffic light, you gape, get distracted, and the light turns green. Drivers behind you start honking continuously to encourage you to start moving. The situation seems simple, but causes a lot of irritation. There is no need to honk or wave your hands in response. Pull away and flash your emergency lights at the drivers, apologizing for your mistake. To combat rudeness on the road, you must not be the culprit of this rudeness. At the same time, if you catch the driver in front of you by surprise, do not honk at him as much as you can. Flash your high beams to encourage them to start moving.
Relieve stress from driving. Every modern person has encountered rudeness on the road at least once in his life. After a hard day and attacks from other drivers, an individual feels mentally exhausted, like a squeezed lemon. Psychologists give their advice on this matter. They recommend calling your loved ones and simply complaining in order to relieve stress and call the boor with all possible words. Believe me, you will feel better.

How to deal with rudeness in a store

Appeal to management. If you regularly encounter rudeness from store employees, there is no point in wasting your nerves on direct investigations. Ask for a complaint book, state the situation. Then contact higher management with a request to hold the boor accountable. If the management does not agree to this, write a complaint to the prosecutor's office with the aim of sending an inspection to the specified pavilion. Never leave rudeness unpunished.
Get some universal phrases. If you are not one of the people who will bother with complaints and the prosecutor's office, act differently. When you hear another rudeness from store employees, give him facts that are difficult to dispute. For example, start talking about the reproduction of octopuses or remember the history of Spain. It doesn't matter what exactly you say. The main thing is to do it with a smart look and think philosophically. Try to confuse the seller so that he feels stupid and shuts up.

If your boss is a bossy person and never misses an opportunity to be rude, learn mechanical phrases. Answer him automatically: “Yes, you are right,” “I agree with your opinion,” “Okay, I’ll do it.”
When management is constantly yelling, admit that you get frustrated by the yelling. Try to talk to your boss normally so that he doesn’t take your words as malice.
Let your boss know that his opinion is important to you. Ask not to shout and offer to discuss the situation in a calm environment. Openness to dialogue will unsettle any boor.
Some people make the mistake of starting to make excuses to their superiors. This is of no use. You were told to do it, do it. Don't act like a little child.
Don't be rude in response if you don't want to be fired from your position. It is extremely easy to get involved in a scandal when you are tired of everything and no longer have the strength to work. This recommendation does not apply to colleagues; do not allow them to humiliate you.
Many experienced managers perceive the silence of subordinates as ignorance. So always look for the words to express yourself correctly. Don’t be silent like a fish; if necessary, defend your opinion with reason.
In order not to provoke even greater rudeness on the part of the boss, let him speak. Take into account everything your boss says. Don’t interrupt, answer only after the boss’s monologue has finished.

How to respond to rudeness from work colleagues

Know how to present yourself correctly. If you have just joined a new team, try to seem like a friendly person. At the same time, make it clear that you should not be offended. Always express yourself clearly and clearly so as not to look like a wuss.
Never show your insecurities to strangers. Your loved ones may know this trait, but not your work colleagues. Believe in yourself and don't let boors hurt your self-esteem. Always smile in response to rudeness, express yourself monotonously, but loudly.
At work, be mindful of social relevance. If your colleague is higher in rank, do not become friends with him. When the line between boss and friend is crossed, the manager will begin to be rude to you more often than others (due to friendship).
Show yourself as a true professional in the field in which you work. Don't openly show incompetence. Newcomers always get the worst of it, they are rude to them, they get angry at them. Don't act like one, be professional.
Don't be a black sheep. This rule is suitable for life, but in a work environment it is better to blend in with the crowd and not cause negative emotions. Respect the values of the team so that they come to your rescue when you encounter a boor.

How to respond to rudeness on the Internet

Modern people cannot imagine their life without a global network. Often, leaving comments on social networks and blogs, you can encounter rudeness. People often provoke each other to aggression. This is where the verbal altercation begins. Unfortunately, not everyone is able to respond to rudeness.
Often people sit on forums, and during correspondence, quarrels of various kinds begin. This gives rise to an unnatural interest in who will end up being right. Throughout the day, you can repeatedly check messages and scroll through further developments in your head. You are thinking about how to respond to rudeness and defend your point of view.
In this case, you shouldn’t get upset and beat yourself up, at least it’s not right. Your experiences are of no interest to anyone and are directed into emptiness. It is worth thinking carefully about the fact that overly aggressive people are not entirely healthy. They cannot express their anger anywhere except the Internet. Think that such individuals are insignificant.
Therefore, you should not overreact to rudeness under posts and on forums. A self-sufficient and adequate person can reprimand you and explain where you are wrong; he will not show aggression. In this case, you can continue the dialogue and find out who is behind the truth. Do not respond to rudeness with aggression; as a rule, such meaningless conversations do not end.
There is a way out when communicating with inadequate people. It is recommended to conduct a dialogue with them as with small children. Respond to all rude phrases with calmness and sarcasm. Don't stress and don't worry. All worthless threats will remain within the Internet. Don't waste your nerves on rudeness and empty remarks.
In another case, if a skirmish began between you and your friend, it is better not to continue the dialogue and meet in real life. Discuss problems face to face without public humiliation. Often people who suppress aggression in the real world often splash it out in the form of rudeness on the Internet. In this case, save your nerves, this is not your concern.

Show some pity

If you cannot calmly respond to harsh words and offensive phrases, show compassion and pity the loser. His actions indicate that the boor is unhappy at heart. Most likely, he has problems or simply a worthless life.
In this case, aggressive people try to compensate for the lack of attention with aggression and rudeness. Treat such a person with compassion. Understand that he is weak, then the reaction will change radically. The main thing is not to make excuses.

Make jokes back and load them with philosophy

In response to rudeness, try to throw out a smart and complex phrase. Directly ask the boor a rhetorical question that is difficult to understand. An aggressive loser will not understand what they want from him and will abandon the dialogue.
Try to respond to rude phrases with a subtle joke with meaning. In such a situation, the offender will remain a loser. If you can't make a joke on topic, you should show sympathy. Stick to simple phrases and don’t take harsh words to heart.

Respond with rudeness

This method is not entirely correct. Whether to resort to it or not is your own business. Things may not turn out the way you planned. It is not entirely correct to respond to rudeness with rudeness. Usually this method is the first to come to mind.
If you decide to be rude in response, it is important to understand that you are sinking to the level of the loser who was rude to you.
This way you lose your self-esteem. If you often resort to this method, you will soon turn into a boor yourself.

Know how to take criticism

It is important to understand that criticism and rudeness are completely different things. In the first option, you can conduct a relatively calm dialogue and defend your point of view. In the case of rudeness, you should not respond to such a person at all.
Unjustified aggression is not worth your nerves and attention. Typically, such behavior is not directed specifically at you, but at other participants in the dialogue or strangers. You should respond to rudeness with a sense of dignity; do not stoop to such a level.

Do not mention it

For your peace of mind, you can completely ignore the aggressive person. As a result of such actions, the boor will soon lose interest in you. The person will look for a new object to quarrel with.
Aggressive people who provoke such dialogue always expect a response. The more emotional the conversation develops, the more rudeness you will hear addressed to you. In this case, you should not show your resentment, this is the goal of a boor. Say that such dialogue is unpleasant for you, nothing more.

You can encounter rudeness at work, on public transport, on the way home, and even on the Internet. In order not to waste your nerves, you need to react to rudeness correctly. Never stoop to the level of the offender, this is exactly what he expects. Have self-esteem, do not be shy in front of a boor.

Video: how to respond to insults

Rudeness at work is, unfortunately, not a rare phenomenon. The majority of people interviewed stated that they had directly encountered this phenomenon in one form or another. Have pity on the boor - he has problems with self-esteem. But don't let him raise it at your expense...

Who's being rude

People who are deprived of public attention, but are in dire need of it, can become boors. If they cannot achieve it through personal merit, they will try to stand out by humiliating others.

Primitive people who are not trained in communication skills behave boorishly. They do not know how or do not want to communicate differently. It’s easy to be rude, but to react constructively, you need to make an effort.

People with psychological and emotional problems are rude. Rudeness and the aggression that accompanies it gives them the illusion of self-affirmation. By humiliating and intimidating other people, they increase their self-esteem.

How to respond to rudeness

If the boor is a bus passenger or a saleswoman, you can get out of an unpleasant situation by leaving the bus or store. But what if the boor is your colleague or boss?

Ignoring- one of the methods in the fight against rudeness (which often accompanies mobbing).

It is important for a boor not only to let off steam, but also to provoke a response from you. Your emotions are energy food for such a person. Don’t “feed” him, don’t give in to provocation. Instead of snapping back, show calm. In order to let your feelings subside, start looking at the boor. Look not into the eyes, but just above the eyes. Or count the buttons on his shirt.

Calmness will also help you if your boss is rude to you. However, psychologists advise not to hold on to a job where a boss who does not respect his subordinates commands.

Even if you don’t want to lose your job, you shouldn’t patiently endure the impudence of your bosses either. Don't let yourself be yelled at. During the first incident, let the boorish boss understand that he should not raise his voice at you. Stick to this position in the future.

Perform your duties to the best of your ability., gain connections and experience, and at the same time look for a new job.

If the boss called you to the carpet, don't make excuses, this will only add fuel to the fire. Record all the claims made against you and say that you will respond to all points - in writing. Wait until your boss calms down and give him the report.

By the way, if there is a higher management over the boorish boss, inappropriate behavior can come back to haunt him. As a rule, HR service employees become wary when competent employees leave the company one after another, and if they find out that this is caused by the boss’s rudeness, they report this to the CEO.

Do not look within yourself for the reasons for your colleague’s or boss’s boorish behavior. These are their internal problems, not yours. Minimize direct communication If possible, interact with such a person in writing so that you always have evidence of boorish behavior on the part of the manager. Ham understands that it is no longer easy to express himself in a letter using the same words that he is used to in live communication. His internal “brake” begins to work, since a boor is usually a coward and afraid of responsibility.

If the manager ignores your desire to communicate via email or ICQ and allows himself to insult you in public, then it is best to answer him absolutely calmly and without unnecessary rhetoric in front of everyone: “I will give you a written answer to your comment, but I am not at all happy with your tone.” and the expressions you use. Since I believe that this manner of expression is contrary to the corporate principles of such a serious company as ours, and, accordingly, damages its image, I will report this to the human resources department today.” In this case, you really need to go to the personnel department, preferably taking witnesses with you - colleagues. The best thing write a memo or memo, which clearly states the essence of what happened and a request to take measures to prevent a recurrence of a similar situation. Naturally, this only makes sense if there really was rudeness, otherwise you, and not the boss, will be under suspicion.

Of course, if all other options have been exhausted, you can sue. Although in our country it is often easier to quit.

Based on materials from Rabota.ru

The Labor Code of the Russian Federation does not contain an article providing for dismissal for inappropriate behavior of an employee. But what should an employer do if, due to boorish behavior, rude attitude or scandals of an employee, clients, colleagues, and ultimately the common cause suffer? This can be regarded as a violation of labor discipline, for which dismissal will be lawful.

We will tell you in this article how to dismiss a boor by legal means, so that later there will be no problems with the case being considered in court.

How to evaluate rudeness from the point of view of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation

There are no special norms in the labor legislation of the Russian Federation that would require employees to “behave well” in the workplace. This is implied as if by itself. However, since rudeness involves a subjective assessment, it cannot be documented.

The character of an employee and his methods of communication are his own business as long as they do not conflict with the requirements of official documents, such as:

job descriptions;
employment contracts;
internal regulations of the organization;
Law of the Russian Federation.

From the point of view of labor legislation, rude behavior, depending on its form and consequences, can be legally classified as:

non-compliance with labor discipline, the rules of which are fixed in the internal policy of the company (Article 81 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation);
failure to perform or improper performance of duties due to the fault of the employee (Article 192 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation).

IMPORTANT! A violation is considered such from a legal point of view if the corresponding norm was adopted in writing and the employee is familiar with it, which is recorded by his signature.

It matters in what area the rude person works and to whom his rudeness is addressed. For example, incomparable incorrect communication with clients in the service sector and dialogues between general workers.

Possible punishments for rudeness at work

Behavior that goes beyond accepted norms always entails consequences. The legal framework provides for three possible types of punishment that an employer has the right to apply to its employees:

remark (oral);
reprimand (with execution of an order);
dismissal as the final disciplinary measure.

Part 5 art. 189 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation allows in certain situations to apply other sanctions to certain categories of personnel.

NOTE! The degree of punishment must be adequate to the violation: thus, dismissal for a single manifestation of rudeness would be unlawful: from the point of view of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation, one minor disciplinary offense is not yet a reason for dismissal from office.

Instructions for employers: how to fire a boor

To exclude the possibility of challenging the dismissal and the forced reinstatement of the rude person in his position, the employer is recommended to comply with all points, documenting each step:

Establish the normative behavior of employees in a local act, employment contract, job description, Regulations on internal labor regulations - document disciplinary norms.
Familiarize all staff with the rules of conduct for a personal visa.
If unacceptable behavior has led to an impact on the work process, it is necessary to draw up a report documenting the violation of the disciplinary norm. The basis may be a review from a dissatisfied client, information from a “complaint” book, a memo from a line manager, etc.
If you experience rudeness, abuse, scandal or other unacceptable behavior from an employee for the first time, you can limit yourself to a verbal remark (strict reprimand).
A written complaint or repeated incident of rudeness is grounds for disciplinary action (Article 81 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation).
The management must request an explanatory note from the offending employee. If he does not provide it within two days, a statement of refusal is drawn up, which is certified by two signatures.
Having written evidence of inappropriate behavior and the employee’s own explanations (or refusal of them), management issues a reprimand order. The culprit should be familiarized with the order, and his signature should be obtained. The refusal to sign is also documented in an act - this is evidence of the good faith of the employer who familiarized the employee with the order.

IMPORTANT! The order should mention the troubles or damage caused by the employee’s rude behavior: loss of a client, disadvantages to the company’s reputation, damage to the production process, etc.

An employee who has a valid disciplinary sanction has the right to be dismissed if he receives at least two more: not necessarily for rudeness, the offense can be anything that violates the requirements of regulations. Even a few delays are enough.
A repeated reprimand for rudeness is equated to repeated violations of labor discipline, which is a legal basis for saying goodbye to an unsuitable employee.

Don't forget about important nuances

The first thing a manager should remember when formalizing such a dismissal is the timing of the reprimand. A penalty can be imposed no later than a month after the violation is committed. If during this time the culprit went on vacation or sick leave, the terms are slightly delayed, but not longer than six months.

The second important circumstance is that punishment for an offense cannot be double. If you have reprimanded a brawler, he can no longer, for example, be deprived of bonuses, and vice versa. You also cannot fire an employee who has already been punished for misconduct in another way.

Boorish colleague: who is to blame and what to do

It is not uncommon for a situation to arise where one employee engages in unacceptable behavior towards another colleague. The offended person asks for protection from his superiors, and when he doesn’t receive it, he quits. Is management to blame in this case?

From a universal point of view, it is possible, since the internal atmosphere is a consequence of the employer’s attitude. But from a legal position there are no grounds for the employer’s guilt. Guilt is a violation of certain legal norms. The Labor Code of the Russian Federation does not require the employer to provide the employee with comfortable psychological conditions for work.

The only exception is Art. 22 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation on labor protection requirements. If rudeness directed at a specific employee causes health problems and this can be proven, the company may share responsibility for compensation for moral damage. In practice, such precedents are extremely rare in courts.

REFERENCE! It is easier to recover damages from the offender himself, but this is already the competence of the Civil Code.

When faced with rudeness from colleagues or superiors, it is not always worth using the letter of the Law to help. First, try to find the reason for such behavior, because understanding largely means stopping it in the future. Most often, rudeness towards other people is caused by:

personal troubles of the offender;
desire to assert oneself, envy;
the desire to defend oneself, often even before an attack;
thirst for attention.

There are several behavioral tactics that have proven themselves in such situations.

When colleagues are rude:

ignoring – especially helps with the rudeness of “energy vampires” who simply lack attention;
humor - cutting off the offender with a joke can be very effective;
understanding - maybe you will feel sorry for the unfortunate rude person, looking at the situation through his eyes.

When the boss is rude:

disconnect from the form, paying attention to the content of criticism;
Under no circumstances should you respond with retaliatory abuse;
self-respect - it usually does not allow another person to be rude to you;
collective confrontation - if the boss is constantly rude to the staff, you can contact him with the whole team, because he will not punish or fire everyone.

Exemplary dismissal is not the best way to deal with rudeness, but if you have to use this powerful measure, it is better to do it correctly.

How to deal with rudeness? At the bus stop, in a nearby store, in the office, on an airplane, at a parent-teacher meeting, and even in line for theater tickets - it seems that we are being rude everywhere. Rudeness has long become a characteristic feature of our society, like a chronic disease that cannot be cured. We asked experts how to protect yourself from the consequences of this disease.

Step 1: Understand

“The first reaction to rudeness can be emotional, but if you abstract yourself, you almost feel sorry for these boors - that’s how much negativity you need to carry within yourself,” shares Andrey, 25 years old.

In order to develop the optimal tactics for communicating with a boor, you must first understand the reasons for his behavior. The motives may be different, but they almost always indicate a lack of self-esteem, a desire to assert oneself or prove one’s strength to others.

“A boor compensates for internal weakness, conquers living space through clashes with others,” explains Nadezhda Kazarinova.

Or he tests the boundaries of what is permitted.

“This is how little children behave towards their parents: “Is this okay with you? And like this?" At first glance, this is a demonstration of strength, but it comes from self-doubt,” says Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

People often use rudeness to “run away” from situations of uncomfortable communication - they avoid clarifying relationships, claims from superiors, or awkward moments.

Why should we understand the boor instead of defending ourselves from him? The fact of the matter is that understanding protects us in many ways - and allows us not to take rudeness too personally.

“You need to remember that many cases of rudeness do not relate to you personally. Then, first of all, why be upset? And secondly, it’s easier to respond to an impersonal attack,” explains Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

Step 2: Gain Distance

“When faced with rudeness, I always feel confused; I don’t know how to respond to rudeness,” says Valeria, 37 years old. “The understanding of how to behave comes much later.”

Most people feel this way. A witty retort comes to us when the boor has already disappeared around the corner. This is a painful blow to self-esteem, but responding to the aggressor at any cost should not be an end in itself.

“The fact is that rudeness does not imply dialogue; it is destructive for relationships. Rudeness indicates a lack of contact, warns Ekaterina Dubovskaya. “Two people who try to resolve a conflict in this way are heading down parallel paths.”

A preventive cure for other people's rudeness is to develop self-esteem and, first of all, self-respect.

You shouldn’t be afraid of boor, much less show him your fear.

An effective tactic is the right distance.

“You shouldn’t be afraid of a boor, much less show him your fear. Remember that his main goal is to involve you in a dialogue built according to his rules. The boor feels unpunished because his “victim” cannot immediately break these rules,” comments Nadezhda Kazarinova.

“The ability to build boundaries that cannot be violated is an important characteristic of an adult,” notes Ekaterina Dubovskaya.

Step 3: Change the script

Before you “teach” a boor good behavior, think about what you want to achieve with your reaction. Show him how disgusting his behavior is? This will put you in the cycle of rudeness.

It is unlikely that a stranger will say: “Thank you for noticing my tactlessness. I won't do this again."

In this case, the main thing is to clearly convey to the boor the idea that he has no right to behave in this way towards you. Of course, without aggression and attacks.

Psychologist Anna Mstislavskaya suggests considering this situation from the point of view of transactional analysis:

“According to transactional analysis, each of us has 3 states of “I” - Parent, Adult, Child. From the position of a Parent, we are accustomed to teaching others, showing what is good and what is bad. But do not forget that the Parent not only criticizes (Critical Parent), he also cares about others (Caring Parent).

The reaction to rudeness from the position of a Critical Parent will be: “What are you allowing yourself to do? How can you treat me like this?” Such a reaction does not lead to further constructive dialogue. A caring Parent wants to help another, tries to understand his needs. This is a more constructive approach.

From the position of a Caring Parent, we can say: “I see your dissatisfaction with my behavior / my actions, I am very sorry” or use a somewhat manipulative phrase: “How can I help you?”

This way we show our strength and at the same time do not stoop to rudeness.”

The desire to protect ourselves will provoke us to aggression

An adult, when confronted with a boor, is more likely to avoid direct conflict - remain silent or apologize (depending on the situation), without excuses. Being in an Adult state, we are able to understand what motivates a person, why he is so rude to us.

From a childhood state (Child), we are unlikely to be able to resist the boor: the desire to protect ourselves will provoke us to aggression. And this will only lead to an escalation of the conflict.

Therefore, if we want to show another that we cannot be rude, it is better to focus on the position of an Adult or a Caring Parent.”

Don't have the strength to remain silent?

In the manual “How to protect yourself from rudeness. 7 simple rules,” psychologist Vladinata Petrova describes verbal self-defense techniques in dealing with boors. Here are some of them:

1. All situations when you are attacked are similar: the aggressor arrogates to himself the right to judge us and invade our lives.

Any aggressor, no matter how high a position he occupies, can be put in his place by pointing out to him the discrepancy between his real status and the role he has assigned to himself: “On what basis are you asking me these questions?”, “On what basis are you asking me?” Are you taking an exam?

2. If you were told something clearly unpleasant, but you find it difficult to find the words To express what exactly hurts you and what exactly you disagree with, ask: “Is this a question?”, “Is this a statement?” or “Is this an indication?”, depending on what the remark with unpleasant content is more like;

3. What to do if unpleasant communication drags on and the aggressor doesn't leave you alone? “In this case, you should ask the rude person a question with a verb in the passive voice, for example: “What made you say (do) that?”

This technique is a variation of the “Put a boss over the aggressor” method. With such a question you will show the attacker that he has become a toy of his own passions that control him;

4. If you want to make a comment to those who behaved disrespectfully with you, do not reproach the enemy for actions and qualities that cannot be imagined with the help of sight or hearing. If you say, “You shouldn’t raise your voice at me,” that’s a substantive remark. Or, for example: “Please do not talk about me in the third person if I am in the same room.”

If you say: “Stop talking boorishly,” you will attribute to your interlocutor actions that are not visually representable, abstract, the real content of which can be debated. The fact that your offender behaves “ugly” or “boorishly” is only your personal opinion.

Priority - relationships

In general, all our experts agree on one thing: verbal aggression as a response to rudeness is an extreme and not the best solution. And it only acts in situations that are excluded from life. By putting a rude waitress or a boor on the subway in our place, we can feel satisfied for a moment - and we will never see the offender again.

But in a situation of long-term relationships - with colleagues or relatives - such methods are not constructive. You need to understand that a conflict situation always means poor mutual understanding. In this case, you need to step aside for a while to understand its reasons.