A frequent case in my practice: a girl comes to me and complains that she looks too young, and therefore no one takes her seriously at work. Meanwhile, I see a girl in front of me who looks exactly her age, and I understand that it’s not a matter of years at all.
Very often the problem lies not in age, but in status.
Status is a series of signs by which people understand what place you occupy in society. (And, in particular, at work).
And very often it is enough to “pull up” your clothes to the required level so that people begin to respect and listen to you (especially if you become a leader).
This does not mean that your clothes should become age-appropriate or deliberately formal.
There are many other ways and means to add charisma and weight in society just by changing your appearance.
Status changes more than once throughout life, and this can also take a person by surprise. After all, we all get used to a certain appearance, and often after changes in life we cannot understand what to wear in a new place of residence/in a new team/as a wife and mother.
I want to throw away all my clothes and buy new ones. But which one is unclear.
A change in status includes marriage, moving to a new place of residence, and moving to a new job (especially if the transition involves a promotion!). Very often people cannot understand how to dress in these cases, and then we solve this problem through image consultations, wardrobe revisions and shopping.
Agree, you really want people to respect you. Sometimes it is even necessary to slightly inflate your status in clothing to make it easier for you to enter a new environment where high status is simply necessary.
In this article I will share with you my observations regarding status. And I’ll tell you what reduces it.
So, the status is reduced:
- Fabrics that do not hold their shape well (especially flabby knitwear).
- A colorful pattern on the fabric (variegated knitwear is doubly dangerous!).
- "Children's" and play prints. In general, you need to be careful with prints and choose things with prints in the premium or luxury segment, preferably from new collections. Print fashion is always changing.
- “Dirty” colors - marsh, mustard, pistachio, faded brown. All things that produce the effect of “faded” and “worn”. The exception is branded items aimed at the category of consumers who love naturalness. And if the things are of very high quality and stylish, and loose textures suit you (every person has their own texture!), then your status will not suffer.
- Cheap bag and shoes (I’m not talking about the price now, but about the appearance - how expensive or cheap it looks). Cheap things are often made from artificial materials, and this artificiality immediately catches the eye: it can be straightforward shine, an abundance of fittings, or obvious leatherette.
- Things are in pellets, stretched and faded. Do you think this is rare? Not at all. People just tend to lose sight of such things as they get used to them.
- Items made from “cheap” fabrics. Again, I don’t just mean the price or naturalness/unnaturalness, but the appearance of the thing. Synthetics are also different. “Cheap” fabrics usually have an unpleasant texture, a very linear or even bright color, and do not drape well.
- Pure sport. Now sport has penetrated into all styles, and sporty chic is at the peak of fashion. But if you wear a tracksuit to the office, then this is not good. Any down jacket will look less status than a straight-cut cashmere coat. Although here you need to carefully study your social niche.
- Shine. I’m generally silent about rhinestones. But any shine requires careful testing for professional suitability. Cheap jewelry goes there too.
- Certain styles. For example, ethnic styles and retro styles (boho, hippie, rustic style), as well as styles of subcultures (metal, rock, etc.). These styles symbolize a decline in status, as their ancestors were people protesting against hierarchies and systems or living in rural areas. For example, hippies demonstratively went to live in the “forests.” This is voluntary downshifting. Retro is no less dangerous - if you don't modernize your retro outfit, you'll be branded as a weirdo. Although, I’ll make a reservation: in creative circles, the choice of such a style can be justified, moreover, it can be a marker that you belong to a certain “crowd”.
- Poorly fitting clothes (bulging, bunching in the chest or in the seams). Wrong proportions. Never buy something if it fits poorly, is short or long. Every centimeter matters. Get your items tailored to fit your body in the studio. There are no trifles in style!
- “Non-staining” clothes. I designate it with this word, because... many will understand what we are talking about. If your only goal is to look inconspicuous and in such a way that you are not afraid to get dirty, then most likely you do not look high-status.
- Clothes not purchased there. Namely - in markets, in tsums and ants (if you are not from Nizhny Novgorod, then you probably also know the places where similar clothes are sold). Well, there are no status clothes there, we checked! Even if it doesn't seem so at first glance. Believe me, it shows. And this is read by people of higher status on an unconscious level.
- A lot of details, pretentiousness. Style is not in the abundance of details, but in their thoughtfulness. One or two accents are enough. I noticed that ladies over 40 often try to wear everything at once. Meanwhile, maturity only benefits from simplicity and quality.
- Tights with a pattern and mesh. Even when they come into fashion, you can't wear them to work.
- Explicit sexual appeal. Always bad, always. But thoughtful femininity is always welcome.
- Ungroomed skin and hair, sloppy or excessive makeup. It’s better to buy fewer things, but get proper coloring, a good haircut and high-quality makeup. Skin problems are often interpreted by us as insufficient care, poor nutrition, stress, and lack of self-love. A person who inspires respect often respects himself. Such a person's skin and hair will be fine. In makeup now, the main thing is freshness, not color. If you are over 35, don't paint yourself like you did when you were younger. Makeup fashion is constantly changing, and so is your face. Follow the trends.
- Weight problems. Alas, they also lower their status. For the reasons described above. But it’s quite possible to tighten up your silhouette with the help of well-chosen clothes!
Well, in conclusion, I want to say that not all problems called “People don’t take me seriously” lie in the area of style. Often - in the field of psychology. Your self-confidence, your demeanor and communication skills are also important. But the stylist can understand what kind of problem you have after a short conversation with you.
My clients and I always find the cause and write a plan for the necessary steps to eliminate the problems.
And if you feel that you look “somehow wrong,” you need to figure out what your reason is. This could be some kind of psychological moment, or a status problem, or simply a question of a functional wardrobe.
The main thing is to understand where the problem lies. And finally get rid of this splinter.
© Elena Basheva, 2018
Have you ever noticed that good people are often disrespected? They help others, are patient, do not harbor grudges, but for some reason they constantly feel upset and lonely. Psychologists believe that the reason for this is errors in the behavior of such people. Today we will help you understand them.
Useless self-sacrifice
You ignore your own needs for the sake of others, but the world simply does not notice. And even if people insult you, you consider yourself to blame. This approach will inevitably lead to people frustrating you over and over again. Don't be afraid to tell the world if you don't like something. This will help you attract people with the same interests as you. On the other hand, unnecessary self-sacrifice most often goes unnoticed.
Lack of self-esteem
You don't seem to feel when other people are being rude to you, or you just turn a blind eye to these "little inconveniences." But a naturally rude person will never love or respect you for this. So why do you continue to tolerate this? If someone acts like they don't care about you, then it really is true. Don't make excuses for rude people. Respect yourself.
You depend on the approval of others
People who have a pathological need for approval from others subconsciously give off signals that something is wrong with them. But those around them do not want to communicate with people who are somehow different from them. Stop expecting praise. You don't need to hear about how good a person you are to actually be one. And don't be afraid of criticism. People will criticize you for almost everything for one reason or another. Your opinion of yourself should always be the most important.
You look for the source of problems only within yourself
You automatically assume that everyone around you is right, except when it comes to yourself. You believe that you yourself are responsible for everything that happens around you. Remember that no one will thank you for this, but they may take advantage of you and make your life even more difficult. Finding the culprits is a thankless task. It will bring you neither love nor pity. Instead, focus your efforts on finding a solution to the problem.
Boasting
If you constantly try to emphasize your strengths and ask for respect, then you are in a dependent relationship. The more you try to convince others that you are a good person, the more often you will receive refusal. Even if you really are.
You can show others that you are worth something only if you sincerely believe in it. If you know your worth, you won't need to prove it to anyone.
Fear of Rejection
You don't want to upset anyone, even if it means inconvenience to you. You pretend that everything is fine so that others won't worry if you're not happy with something. As a result, you are very often dissatisfied with what is happening around you.
Don't be afraid to say no. Even the best people in the world can try to take advantage of you if you let them. Help others only if you really want to.
Ignoring one's own interests
You are used to adapting to the needs of other people, so it is difficult for you to understand your own desires. You yourself cannot decide what to do, so you always listen to outside opinions. If you are unable to make decisions and feel helpless, other people are unlikely to respect you. Learn to listen to your own desires and do not be afraid that you may offend others. Most likely, your fears are far from reality, and you can always find a compromise.
You cannot define the boundaries of what is permitted
You always forgive others, because it is easier to do than to stand up for yourself. Even if others disrespect you, you make excuses for them. It is important to define your own boundaries of acceptable behavior so that you do not allow others to cross them with you. People who allow everything do not command respect.
Fear of loneliness
You turn your relationship into a cult, sacrificing yourself. Moreover, doing this makes you feel comfortable. Perhaps this is why you only meet bullies, narcissists and selfish people, because you allow yourself to be used.
You shouldn't have to choose between your relationship and your self-esteem. If you have to make this choice, something has gone wrong. Be bold and don't be afraid of change. Think of solitude as freedom, and you will never be on your own for long.
You think respect has to be earned
You agree that respect should be a result of action or behavior. As a result, you do not feel comfortable if your relationship with someone is equal because you strongly believe that respect must be earned. You think that a person has value only if they have done something.
The truth is that love or respect cannot be “bought.” Learn to love and be loved unconditionally, and your relationships with other people will become much easier.
The last time I flew to Israel, I had an incident. There is not a word about him in the news. The plane, thank God, is all right. And it was like this. After eating and a short rest, I walked around the plane and I offered to put on tefillin to all the men who were not dozing off, who were not being rude, and whose mother was Jewish. All passengers - some immediately, some after some bickering - agreed, except one. He was a young, intelligent man, a native Israeli. He answered my request and all my arguments politely, but very firmly.
His objections boiled down to two statements. The first was that he served in the Israeli army, which, according to him, is much more important for the Jewish people than all this... The second was this: “I respect your choice, so I will ask you to respect my choice too.” . In response to the first argument, I, who was still in the Soviet army, found suitable words. But the second one still besieged me.
Respect a person's choice! It really sounds nice. Moreover, this phrase is very often repeated as the main argument in favor of the fact that all people (bearers of different ideologies) can and should live in peace and harmony. This is a kind of axiom of our time.
As the Jewish wisdom says, oh, if only I before was as smart as my wife after! It turns out that I just needed to read more carefully the beginning of the fifth book of the Torah, Devarim. And it begins with the words: “These are the speeches that Moses spoke to all Israel on the banks of the Jordan, in the desert, in the desert, against Suph, between Paran, and between Tophel and Laban, and Hazeroth, and Dizaav.” By “speeches” here we mean words of denunciation of the Jewish people for violating the commandments of the Creator and showing cowardice in their implementation. And the long list of geographical names encrypts all the places in which the Jews did not show their best side.
It turns out interesting: when the Torah gives a whole list of unseemly things about the Jewish people, they are not indicated directly (exact names, names of participants, appearances and floggings), but only with a slight hint. Why? Rashi answers this question with one phrase: “Out of respect for the people of Israel.”
So it turns out that in the Torah choice is condemned, but people are respected!
For example, I cannot respect the choice of a repeat killer! But to understand his circumstances and the motives behind his crimes, to see in him the strength of the spirit of repentance, to believe his good intentions - it is possible that yes!
Choice always involves the possibility of error. Therefore, if I respect someone else's choice that contradicts mine, then this means that I do not respect my choice.
Yes, I backed down. I could not convince the young man to fulfill the commandment to put on tefillin. But I don't respect his choice in this situation at all. I respect him himself! I respect him as a Jew and believe that sooner or later his Jewish soul will awaken.
If for women the concept of “respect” lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning.
My wife doesn't respect me! I have lost respect for my husband! Respect for each other has disappeared in our relationship...- family psychologists hear such complaints every day.
If you ask any person what they would like from relationships with other people, I am sure that most often you will hear the word "respect".
What is respect and why is it needed?
The need for respect is a top priority for most people.. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, age or gender, we are very sensitive when it comes to respect.
Why? What does respect give us?
To answer this question, let's try to define respect. It is quite difficult to give a simple and understandable definition right away, so let’s try to construct this definition.
1. Respect is the attitude of one person(groups of people) to another person(to a group of people)
2. This relationship is based on mutual recognition of the individual merits of each of these people(groups of people).
3. Recognition of the priority of their safety and non-harm: physical, psychological and moral.
4. Recognition of their fundamental rights to freedom, expression, religion, etc.
As can be seen from our definition, respect is a whole complex of concepts that affects, oddly enough, our instinct of self-preservation!
Now it becomes clear why in personal relationships the problem of loss / restoration of respect becomes one of the central ones.
In order to understand what respect gives us, let's look at the diagram:
As can be seen from the diagram, for men (highlighted in blue) and for women (highlighted in red), the priority qualities in the concept of “respect” are different things.
If for women the concept of “respect” lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning. Understanding these differences becomes especially important when we try to analyze what behaviors and actions inevitably lead to a loss of respect for him or her.
Before talking about the reasons for the disappearance of respect in relationships, let's think about how this concept is formed in a person in principle.
In order for a person to be able to respect others, he must have an appropriate upbringing based on mutual respect between men and women, children for parents, parents for children, as well as for other people. And one more important addition - this a person must respect himself!
There is a very close connection between self-esteem and the respect of others. Surely many people know the axiom that it is impossible to achieve respect from others without respecting yourself. It is believed that a person’s self-esteem is divided into two components:
emotional- how I view myself from the perspective of “good and evil”, my assessment of myself as a “good” or “bad” person, and
rational- an indicator of my competence, professionalism, success. Note that both components that form self-esteem in men and women are different.
Let's look at the picture:
From the figure it becomes clear that we call respectful an attitude towards us that strengthens or, at a minimum, maintains our self-esteem.
Accordingly, I will regard “unfriendly” behavior that questions my competence or my assessment of myself as disrespectful. In relationships between a man and a woman, respect is closely related to gender-role behavior, or more precisely, to the expectation of certain behavior.
Let's look at a simple example.
A man and a woman are driving in a car. We stopped.
The man got out of the car, opened the door on the woman's side and helped her out of the car.
The man showed respect for the lady (helped her out of the car), the woman showed respect for the man by waiting for him to come up to help her out, thanking him, thereby showing that she was confident in his good manners.
Respect breeds respect.
Unfortunately, manifestations of disrespect begin with “little things”, the most typical of which are: lack of elementary gratitude at the thank you level,” inattention, failure to fulfill one’s promises, raising one’s voice.
Of course, some will react to this, and some will not. Are you sure you know the saying that “small lies breed great mistrust”? The same can be said about respect - Small acts of disrespect grow into big problems over time..
Signs of chronic disrespect in men and women are presented in the following figure:
It is important to note that respect is lost not only when such behavior is shown directly to this person, but also to his relatives, friends or colleagues.
My husband doesn't respect my mother! My wife doesn't respect my friends!
From time to time, at a reception, I hear one or another client talk about the loss of respect for his wife/husband because of her/his disrespectful attitude towards relatives or friends.
Indeed, we often associate ourselves with people close to us and tend to take into account what is not always directed directly at us.
Why is this happening?
Belonging to a group (and family, friends, colleagues are a group) gives us an additional feeling of security and comfort, so disrespect for this “our” group automatically extends to us. In disconnected families, where there are no close emotional connections, this does not happen.
There are a number of behaviors that almost always cause long-term(if not final) loss of respect.
They are well known: betrayal (treason), humiliation, insult, lies, violence.
Regardless of gender, a person who encounters such manifestations on the part of a partner instantly loses respect for him. It is extremely difficult to restore respect after such actions. This is due to the fact that each of these actions deeply wounds the self-esteem of the victim and causes him pain. Pain and respect are incompatible.
The peculiarity of respect is that earning it is much more difficult than losing it. In this sense, respect as a concept is close to trust.
What to do if you feel a loss of respect for yourself from your loved ones?
Here's a simple step-by-step guide that can help you regain lost respect.
1. Look at yourself.
Analyze your behavior as “possibly wrong” towards the person. Maybe you violated his “boundaries”, doubted his value, or simply offended him...
Not everyone is able to openly and immediately declare an incorrect attitude towards themselves. Unexpressed grievances do not go away.
Having admitted the wrongness of your behavior, do not rush to immediately ask for forgiveness, but rather try to understand why (?) you did this.
Without understanding the motives for your behavior, you risk repeating it in the future. The next stage of your analysis will be to find another way of acting that will not be perceived by your partner as disrespectful.
2. Start a dialogue.
Tell your partner how important his respectful attitude is to you and how you feel when such respect is not given. Don't make excuses or shift the blame from yourself to him.
Admit your mistakes by simply listing them. Recognize a person’s right to be offended by you and change their attitude towards you.
3. Ask for forgiveness.
It is forgiveness, not apology.
Not many people know that there are big differences between these two terms.
Apology is a more formal, secular term. Its essence boils down to asking to take the apologetic person out of the “state of guilt.” Forgiveness is a more personal, if not intimate, term - its essence is a request to accept repentance.
4. Take action.
Regardless of whether you have been forgiven or not, your awareness of your mistakes must be transformed into new attitudes and actions.
Remember that you first need to regain your respect for yourself and you are on the right track. published If you have any questions about this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet